Jerry Helper
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Quotes for
Jerry Helper (Character)
from "The Dick Van Dyke Show" (1961)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Punch Thy Neighbor (#1.17)" (1962)
Alan Brady: [on TV] "The Alan Brady Show" is a Jeff Greg Barb Lou Ben Ray Polly production.
Millie Helper: Where did they get that name, Jeff-Greg-Barb-Lou-Ben-Ray-Polly?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, Jeff and Greg are the kids, Barb is his wife, Ben is his lawyer, Ray is his brother, and Lou is his manager.
Jerry Helper: Who's Polly?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, that's his bird.

Jerry Helper: Well, one closing clinker can make a whole show clank.

Jerry Helper: Everyone knows I'm kidding.
Laura Petrie: Are you?
Jerry Helper: Nope.

Millie Helper: When are you gonna learn that kidding and teasing aren't fun?
Jerry Helper: Well, it IS fun. I LIKE it.
Millie Helper: Well, you're the only one.

Jerry Helper: What are you doing with those scissors?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: What am I doing with those scissors? I was planning on cuttin' my throat with them, that's what!

Laura Petrie: Rob, are you all right?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [pinned to the floor by Jerry] Oh! There's a... a pressing pain on my chest.
Jerry Helper: What's the pain feel like, boy?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Feels like a hundred eighty pound dentist sittin' on it.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: How would you like it if I went around saying, uh, "Jerry Helper's gold fillings turn green in my mouth! He's a rotten dentist!"
Jerry Helper: Hey, be quiet, will ya? The door's open; I got three patients in this block!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm sorry.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [goes to the open door and shouts] Hey, everybody! Jerry Helper is a rotten dentist!
Jerry Helper: [rushing to close the door] HEY, CUT IT OUT!


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Ballad of the Betty Lou (#3.10)" (1963)
Jerry Helper: Rob, you know, for a guy who knows something about everything, you sure know nothing about boats.
Rob Petrie: Well, when you're brought up in the mid-west, it's a long walk to the beach, Jerry.
Laura Petrie: [popping her head out from the kitchen] Hey, Rob? I prefer the beach.
Rob Petrie: Get back in the galley.

Rob Petrie: Look, the only area of a conflict is when there's a difference of opinion, right? I don't know the first thing about boats, so that I don't have any opinion at all; Jerry knows everything about boats. See? He could be the commodore, and I'd be the first mate.
Jerry Helper: Uh, no, no, Rob. I'll be the captain and you'll be the seaman.
Rob Petrie: FIrst class?
Jerry Helper: Third.
Laura Petrie: Fellas, it took you a long time to build this friendship. Don't kill it.

Jerry Helper: Listen, Laura, Rob's complete lack of maritime knowledge is a valuable stupidity.

Jerry Helper: Hey, Rob, I know you're only kidding, but don't get in the habit of touching a superior officer.

Rob Petrie: [as they shake hand and embrace in anticipation of their first sea venture together] I wish our wives could see us now. Boy, this friendship ain't gonna break up.
Jerry Helper: Never. But, remember, Rob, don't touch me on the boat.

Jerry Helper: Only yesterday, a patient of mine was in the office who has a gaff-rigged yawl.
Rob Petrie: Ooo, that sounds painful. Did you use novocaine?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Vigilante Ripped My Sports Coat (#4.4)" (1964)
Millie Helper: I am goin' to that dinner party tonight whether YOU go or NOT. I'm gonna wear my new dress, and my new shoes, and - I'll tell ya somethin' else, Dr. Helper - I'm gonna have fun.
Jerry Helper: No you're not, 'cause I'm goin' with you.

Jerry Helper: Listen, uh, where are your mother and father?
Ritchie Petrie: They went out.
Jerry Helper: Out? Where?
Ritchie Petrie: I don't know. They just left.
Jerry Helper: Huh, you see that?
Millie Helper: Come on. Don't jump to conclusions. Ritchie, are they coming back?
Ritchie Petrie: Oh, sure.
Millie Helper: Ya see?
Jerry Helper: Well, how do you know they're coming back?
Ritchie Petrie: They have to. They live here.

Jerry Helper: Millie... Millie, will you tell him to get outta here before I do something I'll be sorry for.
Millie Helper: Rob will you get outta here before Jerry does something he'll be sorry for.

Millie Helper: Jerry, tell her to get outta here before I do something I'll be sorry for.
Jerry Helper: Laura, I think you better get outta here.

Laura Petrie: [angrily] I think you two ought to know something. Rob was against sending that invitation to you but I insisted, and now I'm sorry I sent it.
Millie Helper: You're sorry ya sent it?
Laura Petrie: You don't know how sorry I am. I think it's one of the stupidest things I've ever done.
Jerry Helper: Then you, uh... you DO think it was a stupid thing?
Laura Petrie: [near tears] Well, let's just say this, Jerry - I will never send you another one like it, and you can bet on that.
Jerry Helper: You MEAN that?
Rob Petrie: [through grit teeth] Oh-h-h, you BET she means it.
Jerry Helper: [greatly relieved] Well, okay.
Rob Petrie: Okay, what?
Jerry Helper: We accept your apology.
Laura Petrie: You accept our...?
Millie Helper: Yes, and... we... forgive you.
Rob Petrie: You forgive US?
Millie Helper: [happily] You bet we do.
Jerry Helper: Uh, well, uh, we were both being very stubborn, and I'm happy to see that you took a first step to clear the air.
Rob Petrie: [thoroughly perplexed] Now wait a minute. Wait just a minute, Jerry. There's a misunderstanding here...
Laura Petrie: [cautiously] There certainly is, darling, and I think it's the kind of misunderstanding we should try very hard NOT to clear up for a little while.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Man's Teeth Are Not His Own (#2.13)" (1962)
Jerry Helper: You may have grown them, but those teeth in your head belong to me.

Rob Petrie: How do you figure that you're the best dentist in the whole world?
Jerry Helper: Simple logic. I consider you one of the smartest and brightest people in the world.
Rob Petrie: Oh, thank you, kindly.
Jerry Helper: And who does your dental work?
Rob Petrie: You do.
Jerry Helper: See?

[Finally meeting Jerry after avoiding him for a week, Rob wants to keep the conversation serious so he won't smile and show Jerry his teeth]
Jerry Helper: Hey, Rob, I'm glad the girls are gone. I heard a couple jokes at the convention I gotta tell ya. Come on, sit down.
Rob Petrie: Uh... Jer... I'd... d'I'd... I don't think we ought to be telling any jokes right about... Hadn't you been reading the papers?
Jerry Helper: What, what?
Rob Petrie: Well, there's a lot of... FAMINE and DROUGHT and PESTILENCE.
Jerry Helper: Where?
Rob Petrie: Well, it's around. A lot of it's going around, Jer.

Jerry Helper: I been busier than a centipede's mother tryin' to diaper a baby while puttin' their shoes on.

Jerry Helper: Ordinarily you're a very smiley guy. I haven't seen you smile once since I came in.
Rob Petrie: Well, J-Jerry, uh, b'yah, it's the... it's FAMINE and DROUGHT and PESTILENCE.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Nice, Friendly Game of Cards (#3.18)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: He just thinks Rob is a crook.
Sally Rogers: Well, why does he think he was a crook?
Jerry Helper: Well, because he accused Rob of slipping a deck of marked cards into our poker game.
Sally Rogers: Marked cards? Well, why would he think that?
Buddy Sorrell: Because that's what Rob did.

Lou Gregory: Oh, I always advise people never to play cards with anybody excepting their friends.
Jerry Helper: In that case, I pass.

Millie Helper: I fold.
Jerry Helper: What do you mean you "fold?" What happened to your new system?
Millie Helper: That's my system: ante up, take two cards, and fold.

Jerry Helper: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. I just broke up a pair of queens to go for a straight. If this is another queen, I'll shoot myself.
Ritchie Petrie: [reading the back of Jerry's card] Well, Uncle Jerry, you got another queen. You gonna shoot yourself?

Sally Rogers: Hey, uh, what was going on? Who was that?
Laura Petrie: Oh, his name is Lou Gregory and he's a very ungracious man. Hi, Sally.
Sally Rogers: Oh.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: A little suspicious, too. Hi Sal.
Sally Rogers: Oh.
Jerry Helper: Well, you can't blame him. He used to be an assistant district attorney. Hi, Sal.
Sally Rogers: Hi, Jer. Well, what was he doing here?
Millie Helper: He's a patient of Jerry's and we invited him over for a nice, frienly evening. Hi, Sal.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: All About Eavesdropping (#3.5)" (1963)
Jerry Helper: Hey, Rob, let's play "Who Am I", huh? Who am I?
Rob Petrie: We gave you that vase, too.
Jerry Helper: I know, I know, thanks. Who am I?
Rob Petrie: You're not Eleanor Roosevelt, I'll tell you that for sure.
Jerry Helper: Come on. Who am I? Let's play. What do you say, Rob?
Millie Helper: [long, uncomfortable pause] Let's play charades!
Jerry Helper: Charades! Everybody loves charades! Hey, I got it. Laura, Rob and I, we'll be on one team, and Millie, Sally and Buddy, you're on the other.
Millie Helper: Charades all right, Rob? Laura?
Laura Petrie: It's your house.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You didn't give them the house?

Jerry Helper: Well, let's face it, Honey, Rob is no Albert Schweitzer either.

Buddy Sorrell: I know what's bothering them.
Sally Rogers, Jerry Helper: What?
Buddy Sorrell: They need on-the-spot relief from acid indigestion.

Jerry Helper: Do, uh... do you say nasty things about us?
Rob Petrie: Well, let me, uh, put it this way, Jerry - we say less nasty things about you than we do about any of our other neighbors.

[in a game of Charades, Laura pantomimes violent antics for teammates Jerry and Rob to guess a song title]
Jerry Helper: The whole thing? Okay. Uh, march!
Rob Petrie: Yeah. Walk. Stomp! Stomp all over people! Walk all over people! Goose step! Treachery. Treachery. Two-faced. Two-faced. Stab! Stab in the back, stab in the back!
[Laura points to Millie and Jerry]
Jerry Helper: Uh... Uh, point! Point! Finger! Finger!
Rob Petrie: Accuse, indict, uh, malicious accusory.
[Laura grabs Millie and Jarry's faces]
Rob Petrie: Two-faced, that's right. Pearl Harbor! I GOT IT!
Jerry Helper: What is it?
Rob Petrie: "On the Street Where You Live."
Laura Petrie: Right!
Jerry Helper: [snatching up the paper with the answer] Hey, that IS right!


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Your Home Sweet Home Is My Home (#4.25)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: How could you talk us out of something we didn't want?
Jerry Helper: Well, to make you fell better. If you wanted it, we wouldn't have talked you out of it. I mean, we don't go around talking people out of things they want.

Laura Petrie: Oh... oh, Rob, ask him if it has a service porch.
Rob Petrie: [on the phone] Uh, does it have a service porch?
Millie Helper: Are the colors the same?
Rob Petrie: [into the phone] Are, uh... are the, uh, colors the same?
Rob Petrie: [to Laura and Millie] Uh, yes and no.
Laura Petrie: Uh, yes to who?
Rob Petrie: Yes to you?
Millie Helper: What to me?
Rob Petrie: No.
Millie Helper: I forgot what I asked.
Jerry Helper: The colors.
Millie Helper: Oh, yeah. Are the colors the same?
Jerry Helper: No!
Millie Helper: How do YOU know?
Jerry Helper: He just told ya.

Laura Petrie: Oh, ask him how many closets in the master bedroom.
Jerry Helper: Yeah, and any storage closets in the basement.
Rob Petrie: [on the phone] Okay. How many closets in the master? Are there any storage closets in the basement?
Millie Helper: How many baths?
Rob Petrie: Uh, none?
Millie Helper: No baths?
Rob Petrie: [to Millie] No storage closet. I didn't ask him yours yet.
[back into the phone]
Rob Petrie: How many bathrooms? Uh, okay.
[to the group]
Rob Petrie: One walk-in...
Millie Helper: What is THAT?
Rob Petrie: Closets in the bedroom. Let's wait your turn.
Jerry Helper: Yeah, with one bathroom, you have to.

Rob Petrie: Look, no matter what he said, we want both of those houses, right? If there was no fireplace, no trees, and then there was... surrounded by a pig farm.
Millie Helper, Laura Petrie: Right.
Jerry Helper: [simultaneously] Right, Rob.
Rob Petrie: Let's close the deal.
Millie Helper: I don't know about the pig farm.
Jerry Helper: There's no pig farm.
Millie Helper: Well he just said...
Rob Petrie: No, the pigs are a symbol of our friendship.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Don't Trip Over That Mountain (#2.22)" (1963)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: How are you, Jer?
Jerry Helper: Oh, I'm all right, I got off cheap. Just a sprained wrist. What'd the doctor say you had?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Same thing, it's a, uh, sprain.
Jerry Helper: A sprained what?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: A sprained body.
Jerry Helper: A sprained body? I never heard of a sprained body before.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well that's what I got.
Jerry Helper: Well, where does it hurt?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [Slowly pointing to the left side of his upper lip] You see that?
Jerry Helper: Yeah...
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: It's the only place it doesn't hurt.

Jerry Helper: [after Rob concludes his phone call] Boy, Rob, you know, you were pretty rough on her. Are you really that angry with Laura?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [physically sore all over] No, I'm not, but I want her to think I am.
Jerry Helper: Why?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: If she makes up with me immediately, she's gonna wanna hug me.
Jerry Helper: Oh, I see.

Jerry Helper: Good night, Rob. And good luck hiding the body.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Love Thy Other Neighbor (#5.29)" (1966)
[Millie interrupts Jerry with a patient for important news]
Jerry Helper: What is it, Millie?
Millie Helper: Well, if you really wanna know, Laura doesn't have any cream for your coffee.

Jerry Helper: Well, I gotta hand it to ya, Millie. That was one of the rottenest dinners you ever cooked in your life.
Millie Helper: Sure, be funny. We're losing our best friends and you're tryin' to be funny.
Jerry Helper: Millie, I'm not being funny. I'm-I'm really... I'm nauseous. What did you put in that gravy.
Millie Helper: Oh, who cares?
Jerry Helper: Well, I do. I may need an antidote.

Jerry Helper: You think we're so childish to be hurt by anything so childish?
Laura Petrie: Then how come Millie's been in the shower all day?
Jerry Helper: Well, you know how childish Millie is.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: That's My Boy?? (#3.1)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: Jerry, that nurse gave Laura the wrong jewelry, she called him a her, she didn't even know our name, and everybody, including me, thinks it looks like a different baby.
Jerry Helper: Rob...
Rob Petrie: Look, even Laura thinks the baby looks different. His own mother!... I think.

Rob Petrie: Who, uh... who do you think the baby looks like?
Jerry Helper: You know, I don't know. How can you tell at this age? I mean, their looks change every day. Now, that first day, he looked like you.
Rob Petrie: Yeah. Then a little later he looked something like Laura.
Jerry Helper: Mm-hm.
Rob Petrie: Then, the day comin' home in the cab, he looked a lot like Ralph Martoni.
Jerry Helper: Who's Ralph Martoni?
Rob Petrie: The cab driver. Didn't you see his picture on the license plate? Little pudgy bald guy.
Jerry Helper: Rob, listen, all newborn babies look like Ralph Martoni. I mean, the hospital could give you any kid and you wouldn't know the difference.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Jealousy! (#1.7)" (1961)
Jerry Helper: Hey, why can't you be home to give me a kiss like other wives do?
Millie Helper: What other wives have been giving you kisses?

Rob Petrie: Have you had your coffee?
Jerry Helper: Are you kiddin'? Millie hasn't gotten up to fix me coffee since we're married. She's gotta get her "fifteen hours."


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Gesundheit, Darling (#2.12)" (1962)
Jerry Helper: Well, Rob, I'm not a psychiatrist, but didn't you notice that every time you lost a game you sneezed?
Laura Petrie: Well, I lost too, Jerry, and I'm not sneezing.
Jerry Helper: Yeah, but, Honey, you don't take defeat as emotionally as Rob. You see, he's suppressing his anger and that anger had to go someplace.
Millie Helper: So it came out his nose?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I think I'm allergic to Jerry.
Jerry Helper: What?
Millie Helper: You're not making any sense.
Millie Helper: [to Laura] He's not making any sense.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Jerry, gimme a hug.
Jerry Helper: A HUG!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Come on.
Jerry Helper: No... Rob...
[Rob hugs Jerry]
Jerry Helper: ROB...!
[Rob sneezes]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh. Oh, good, good. Oh... All right, Millie, you're next.
Millie Helper: What?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Gimme a hug.
Millie Helper: Laura!
Laura Petrie: Do as he says.
Jerry Helper: Hey!
Millie Helper: Laura says I have to.
[Rob hugs Millie and sneezes]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, boy, now we're gettin' somewhere!


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is Not a Drunk (#2.6)" (1962)
Glen Jameson: [to Jerry] When I snap my fingers, you'll assume the personality of the person you most admire. I repeat, the person you most admire.
Sally Rogers: [to Millie] Who's it gonna be?
Millie Helper: His hero.
[snap]
Jerry Helper: San Francisco is the home of my birth. 441 and a half O'Farrell Street. I went through grade school and high school as a star basketball player. Early in life I wanted to become a dentist, which I now am. I'm highly proficient in root canal work. Yes, I am. I feel...
Sally Rogers: [to Millie] Who's he talking about?
Millie Helper: His hero - HIM.

Laura Petrie: Okay, what say we eat first and then get hypnotized?
Jerry Helper: Good.
Millie Helper: Eat first?
Laura Petrie: Sure, we always do it that way.
Buddy Sorrell: Not with my wife's cookin'. Better you should be hypnotized first.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Forty-Four Tickets (#1.11)" (1961)
[Rob, Laura, Jerry and Millie are playing bridge when Rob discovers he's forgotten to order 44 tickets]
Rob Petrie: I'll bid, uh, four no tickets.
Jerry Helper: "Four no tickets"?
Rob Petrie: Did I say that?
[laughs]
Rob Petrie: I meant 44 no trump, or, uh... 44 no tickets.
[laughs again]
Rob Petrie: Oh, bad... Let me say that again. Uh, by'uh, four no trump.
Jerry Helper: Neighbor, do you really think you're gonna make four no trump?
Rob Petrie: I bet a lot easier than I'm going to make 44 no tickets. Let's play tickets!
Jerry Helper: [kicked under the table by Laura] Ow!
Jerry Helper: [to Rob] I got another message for you.
Rob Petrie: [kicked under the table by Jerry] Ow! Let's play cards!

[Rob has forgotten to get tickets for the PTA to visit his TV show's studio]
Millie Helper: You haven't forgotten about the PTA coming to your studio?
Rob Petrie: [stammering] Well...
Jerry Helper: [Laura kicks Jerry under the table] Ouch! I think she meant this for you.
Rob Petrie: [Jerry kicks Rob under the table] OW!


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Cat Burglar (#2.15)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: [discovering Jerry outside his bedroom window carrying a rifle] What in the devil do you think you're DOIN'?
Jerry Helper: Well, uh, Rob, I didn't want to ring the bell and wake up Ritchie.
Rob Petrie: So you decided to shoot a gun off in the room.

Jerry Helper: Boy, oh, boy, every year she gets more and more nervous.
Millie Helper: That's 'cause you keep bringin' explosives into our bedroom.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is a Check-Grabber (#2.21)" (1963)
Jerry Helper: Say, uh, Rob, does Laura really have a headache or is she mad at you?
Rob Petrie: Both, and how did you know?
Jerry Helper: Just wishful thinkin'.
Rob Petrie: Whadda you mean "wishful thinking?" You want Laura to be mad at me?
Jerry Helper: Sure. Millie's mad at me, and I hate to think I've got the only rotten marriage in the neighborhood.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Long Nights Journey Into Day (#5.30)" (1966)
Jerry Helper: Come on, Rob! Hey, Millie, where're you going? Oh, I just get one and I lose the other!


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Boy #1, Boy #2 (#4.19)" (1965)
Jerry Helper: But really, Rob, this stuff was priceless.
Rob Petrie: Yeah. It isn't worth anything.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Bank Book 6565696 (#2.4)" (1962)
Jerry Helper: Hey, it's a bank book.
Rob Petrie: [reading] "Mrs. Laura Petrie." Isn't that cute? She got a little nest egg of her own.
Jerry Helper: Cute. You, uh... you really think that's cute, huh?
Rob Petrie: Well, so she has a few dollars in a little private bank account. How much could it be?
Jerry Helper: Okay, okay. How much?
Rob Petrie: Well, I don't even have to look. It can't be more than just a little pittance. $378.
Jerry Helper: A LITTLE pittance?
Rob Petrie: So, she has a big pittance. It's her pittance. Look, maybe she's just setting aside a little for a rainy day.
Jerry Helper: $378? Boy, that's enough for the monsoon season.
Rob Petrie: Oh, come on. Now a lot of wives put aside a little for a rainy day. What's wrong with that?
Jerry Helper: Well, nothin', but why is the money just in her name? I mean, uh, listen, if it rains, doesn't she care if you get wet?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Talented Neighborhood (#1.19)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: Coffee?
Jerry Helper: Why, what've you got to go with it?
Laura Petrie: Fresh cheese and crackers or stale doughnuts.
Jerry Helper: I'll have the stale doughnuts. It'll give me an excuse to dunk.
Rob Petrie: Me too, honey.
Laura Petrie: [heading off to the kitchen] All right. I hope I didn't throw them away.
Rob Petrie: [to Jerry] She's got a lot of class.