Jerry Helper
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Quotes for
Jerry Helper (Character)
from "The Dick Van Dyke Show" (1961)

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"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Punch Thy Neighbor (#1.17)" (1962)
Alan Brady: [on TV] "The Alan Brady Show" is a Jeff Greg Barb Lou Ben Ray Polly production.
Millie Helper: Where did they get that name, Jeff-Greg-Barb-Lou-Ben-Ray-Polly?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, Jeff and Greg are the kids, Barb is his wife, Ben is his lawyer, Ray is his brother, and Lou is his manager.
Jerry Helper: Who's Polly?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, that's his bird.

Jerry Helper: Well, one closing clinker can make a whole show clank.

Jerry Helper: Everyone knows I'm kidding.
Laura Petrie: Are you?
Jerry Helper: Nope.

Millie Helper: When are you gonna learn that kidding and teasing aren't fun?
Jerry Helper: Well, it IS fun. I LIKE it.
Millie Helper: Well, you're the only one.

Jerry Helper: What are you doing with those scissors?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: What am I doing with those scissors? I was planning on cuttin' my throat with them, that's what!

Laura Petrie: Rob, are you all right?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [pinned to the floor by Jerry] Oh! There's a... a pressing pain on my chest.
Jerry Helper: What's the pain feel like, boy?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Feels like a hundred eighty pound dentist sittin' on it.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: How would you like it if I went around saying, uh, "Jerry Helper's gold fillings turn green in my mouth! He's a rotten dentist!"
Jerry Helper: Hey, be quiet, will ya? The door's open; I got three patients in this block!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm sorry.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [goes to the open door and shouts] Hey, everybody! Jerry Helper is a rotten dentist!
Jerry Helper: [rushing to close the door] HEY, CUT IT OUT!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Ballad of the Betty Lou (#3.10)" (1963)
Jerry Helper: Rob, you know, for a guy who knows something about everything, you sure know nothing about boats.
Rob Petrie: Well, when you're brought up in the mid-west, it's a long walk to the beach, Jerry.
Laura Petrie: [popping her head out from the kitchen] Hey, Rob? I prefer the beach.
Rob Petrie: Get back in the galley.

Rob Petrie: Look, the only area of a conflict is when there's a difference of opinion, right? I don't know the first thing about boats, so that I don't have any opinion at all; Jerry knows everything about boats. See? He could be the commodore, and I'd be the first mate.
Jerry Helper: Uh, no, no, Rob. I'll be the captain and you'll be the seaman.
Rob Petrie: FIrst class?
Jerry Helper: Third.
Laura Petrie: Fellas, it took you a long time to build this friendship. Don't kill it.

Jerry Helper: Listen, Laura, Rob's complete lack of maritime knowledge is a valuable stupidity.

Jerry Helper: Hey, Rob, I know you're only kidding, but don't get in the habit of touching a superior officer.

Rob Petrie: [as they shake hand and embrace in anticipation of their first sea venture together] I wish our wives could see us now. Boy, this friendship ain't gonna break up.
Jerry Helper: Never. But, remember, Rob, don't touch me on the boat.

Jerry Helper: Only yesterday, a patient of mine was in the office who has a gaff-rigged yawl.
Rob Petrie: Ooo, that sounds painful. Did you use novocaine?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Vigilante Ripped My Sports Coat (#4.4)" (1964)
Millie Helper: I am goin' to that dinner party tonight whether YOU go or NOT. I'm gonna wear my new dress, and my new shoes, and - I'll tell ya somethin' else, Dr. Helper - I'm gonna have fun.
Jerry Helper: No you're not, 'cause I'm goin' with you.

Jerry Helper: Listen, uh, where are your mother and father?
Ritchie Petrie: They went out.
Jerry Helper: Out? Where?
Ritchie Petrie: I don't know. They just left.
Jerry Helper: Huh, you see that?
Millie Helper: Come on. Don't jump to conclusions. Ritchie, are they coming back?
Ritchie Petrie: Oh, sure.
Millie Helper: Ya see?
Jerry Helper: Well, how do you know they're coming back?
Ritchie Petrie: They have to. They live here.

Jerry Helper: Millie... Millie, will you tell him to get outta here before I do something I'll be sorry for.
Millie Helper: Rob will you get outta here before Jerry does something he'll be sorry for.

Millie Helper: Jerry, tell her to get outta here before I do something I'll be sorry for.
Jerry Helper: Laura, I think you better get outta here.

Laura Petrie: [angrily] I think you two ought to know something. Rob was against sending that invitation to you but I insisted, and now I'm sorry I sent it.
Millie Helper: You're sorry ya sent it?
Laura Petrie: You don't know how sorry I am. I think it's one of the stupidest things I've ever done.
Jerry Helper: Then you, uh... you DO think it was a stupid thing?
Laura Petrie: [near tears] Well, let's just say this, Jerry - I will never send you another one like it, and you can bet on that.
Jerry Helper: You MEAN that?
Rob Petrie: [through grit teeth] Oh-h-h, you BET she means it.
Jerry Helper: [greatly relieved] Well, okay.
Rob Petrie: Okay, what?
Jerry Helper: We accept your apology.
Laura Petrie: You accept our...?
Millie Helper: Yes, and... we... forgive you.
Rob Petrie: You forgive US?
Millie Helper: [happily] You bet we do.
Jerry Helper: Uh, well, uh, we were both being very stubborn, and I'm happy to see that you took a first step to clear the air.
Rob Petrie: [thoroughly perplexed] Now wait a minute. Wait just a minute, Jerry. There's a misunderstanding here...
Laura Petrie: [cautiously] There certainly is, darling, and I think it's the kind of misunderstanding we should try very hard NOT to clear up for a little while.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Man's Teeth Are Not His Own (#2.13)" (1962)
Jerry Helper: You may have grown them, but those teeth in your head belong to me.

Rob Petrie: How do you figure that you're the best dentist in the whole world?
Jerry Helper: Simple logic. I consider you one of the smartest and brightest people in the world.
Rob Petrie: Oh, thank you, kindly.
Jerry Helper: And who does your dental work?
Rob Petrie: You do.
Jerry Helper: See?

[Finally meeting Jerry after avoiding him for a week, Rob wants to keep the conversation serious so he won't smile and show Jerry his teeth]
Jerry Helper: Hey, Rob, I'm glad the girls are gone. I heard a couple jokes at the convention I gotta tell ya. Come on, sit down.
Rob Petrie: Uh... Jer... I'd... d'I'd... I don't think we ought to be telling any jokes right about... Hadn't you been reading the papers?
Jerry Helper: What, what?
Rob Petrie: Well, there's a lot of... FAMINE and DROUGHT and PESTILENCE.
Jerry Helper: Where?
Rob Petrie: Well, it's around. A lot of it's going around, Jer.

Jerry Helper: I been busier than a centipede's mother tryin' to diaper a baby while puttin' their shoes on.

Jerry Helper: Ordinarily you're a very smiley guy. I haven't seen you smile once since I came in.
Rob Petrie: Well, J-Jerry, uh, b'yah, it's the... it's FAMINE and DROUGHT and PESTILENCE.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Nice, Friendly Game of Cards (#3.18)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: He just thinks Rob is a crook.
Sally Rogers: Well, why does he think he was a crook?
Jerry Helper: Well, because he accused Rob of slipping a deck of marked cards into our poker game.
Sally Rogers: Marked cards? Well, why would he think that?
Buddy Sorrell: Because that's what Rob did.

Lou Gregory: Oh, I always advise people never to play cards with anybody excepting their friends.
Jerry Helper: In that case, I pass.

Millie Helper: I fold.
Jerry Helper: What do you mean you "fold?" What happened to your new system?
Millie Helper: That's my system: ante up, take two cards, and fold.

Jerry Helper: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. I just broke up a pair of queens to go for a straight. If this is another queen, I'll shoot myself.
Ritchie Petrie: [reading the back of Jerry's card] Well, Uncle Jerry, you got another queen. You gonna shoot yourself?

Sally Rogers: Hey, uh, what was going on? Who was that?
Laura Petrie: Oh, his name is Lou Gregory and he's a very ungracious man. Hi, Sally.
Sally Rogers: Oh.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: A little suspicious, too. Hi Sal.
Sally Rogers: Oh.
Jerry Helper: Well, you can't blame him. He used to be an assistant district attorney. Hi, Sal.
Sally Rogers: Hi, Jer. Well, what was he doing here?
Millie Helper: He's a patient of Jerry's and we invited him over for a nice, frienly evening. Hi, Sal.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: All About Eavesdropping (#3.5)" (1963)
Jerry Helper: Hey, Rob, let's play "Who Am I", huh? Who am I?
Rob Petrie: We gave you that vase, too.
Jerry Helper: I know, I know, thanks. Who am I?
Rob Petrie: You're not Eleanor Roosevelt, I'll tell you that for sure.
Jerry Helper: Come on. Who am I? Let's play. What do you say, Rob?
Millie Helper: [long, uncomfortable pause] Let's play charades!
Jerry Helper: Charades! Everybody loves charades! Hey, I got it. Laura, Rob and I, we'll be on one team, and Millie, Sally and Buddy, you're on the other.
Millie Helper: Charades all right, Rob? Laura?
Laura Petrie: It's your house.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You didn't give them the house?

Jerry Helper: Well, let's face it, Honey, Rob is no Albert Schweitzer either.

Buddy Sorrell: I know what's bothering them.
Sally Rogers, Jerry Helper: What?
Buddy Sorrell: They need on-the-spot relief from acid indigestion.

Jerry Helper: Do, uh... do you say nasty things about us?
Rob Petrie: Well, let me, uh, put it this way, Jerry - we say less nasty things about you than we do about any of our other neighbors.

[in a game of Charades, Laura pantomimes violent antics for teammates Jerry and Rob to guess a song title]
Jerry Helper: The whole thing? Okay. Uh, march!
Rob Petrie: Yeah. Walk. Stomp! Stomp all over people! Walk all over people! Goose step! Treachery. Treachery. Two-faced. Two-faced. Stab! Stab in the back, stab in the back!
[Laura points to Millie and Jerry]
Jerry Helper: Uh... Uh, point! Point! Finger! Finger!
Rob Petrie: Accuse, indict, uh, malicious accusory.
[Laura grabs Millie and Jarry's faces]
Rob Petrie: Two-faced, that's right. Pearl Harbor! I GOT IT!
Jerry Helper: What is it?
Rob Petrie: "On the Street Where You Live."
Laura Petrie: Right!
Jerry Helper: [snatching up the paper with the answer] Hey, that IS right!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Your Home Sweet Home Is My Home (#4.25)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: How could you talk us out of something we didn't want?
Jerry Helper: Well, to make you fell better. If you wanted it, we wouldn't have talked you out of it. I mean, we don't go around talking people out of things they want.

Laura Petrie: Oh... oh, Rob, ask him if it has a service porch.
Rob Petrie: [on the phone] Uh, does it have a service porch?
Millie Helper: Are the colors the same?
Rob Petrie: [into the phone] Are, uh... are the, uh, colors the same?
Rob Petrie: [to Laura and Millie] Uh, yes and no.
Laura Petrie: Uh, yes to who?
Rob Petrie: Yes to you?
Millie Helper: What to me?
Rob Petrie: No.
Millie Helper: I forgot what I asked.
Jerry Helper: The colors.
Millie Helper: Oh, yeah. Are the colors the same?
Jerry Helper: No!
Millie Helper: How do YOU know?
Jerry Helper: He just told ya.

Laura Petrie: Oh, ask him how many closets in the master bedroom.
Jerry Helper: Yeah, and any storage closets in the basement.
Rob Petrie: [on the phone] Okay. How many closets in the master? Are there any storage closets in the basement?
Millie Helper: How many baths?
Rob Petrie: Uh, none?
Millie Helper: No baths?
Rob Petrie: [to Millie] No storage closet. I didn't ask him yours yet.
[back into the phone]
Rob Petrie: How many bathrooms? Uh, okay.
[to the group]
Rob Petrie: One walk-in...
Millie Helper: What is THAT?
Rob Petrie: Closets in the bedroom. Let's wait your turn.
Jerry Helper: Yeah, with one bathroom, you have to.

Rob Petrie: Look, no matter what he said, we want both of those houses, right? If there was no fireplace, no trees, and then there was... surrounded by a pig farm.
Millie Helper, Laura Petrie: Right.
Jerry Helper: [simultaneously] Right, Rob.
Rob Petrie: Let's close the deal.
Millie Helper: I don't know about the pig farm.
Jerry Helper: There's no pig farm.
Millie Helper: Well he just said...
Rob Petrie: No, the pigs are a symbol of our friendship.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Don't Trip Over That Mountain (#2.22)" (1963)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: How are you, Jer?
Jerry Helper: Oh, I'm all right, I got off cheap. Just a sprained wrist. What'd the doctor say you had?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Same thing, it's a, uh, sprain.
Jerry Helper: A sprained what?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: A sprained body.
Jerry Helper: A sprained body? I never heard of a sprained body before.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well that's what I got.
Jerry Helper: Well, where does it hurt?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [Slowly pointing to the left side of his upper lip] You see that?
Jerry Helper: Yeah...
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: It's the only place it doesn't hurt.

Jerry Helper: [after Rob concludes his phone call] Boy, Rob, you know, you were pretty rough on her. Are you really that angry with Laura?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [physically sore all over] No, I'm not, but I want her to think I am.
Jerry Helper: Why?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: If she makes up with me immediately, she's gonna wanna hug me.
Jerry Helper: Oh, I see.

Jerry Helper: Good night, Rob. And good luck hiding the body.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Love Thy Other Neighbor (#5.29)" (1966)
[Millie interrupts Jerry with a patient for important news]
Jerry Helper: What is it, Millie?
Millie Helper: Well, if you really wanna know, Laura doesn't have any cream for your coffee.

Jerry Helper: Well, I gotta hand it to ya, Millie. That was one of the rottenest dinners you ever cooked in your life.
Millie Helper: Sure, be funny. We're losing our best friends and you're tryin' to be funny.
Jerry Helper: Millie, I'm not being funny. I'm-I'm really... I'm nauseous. What did you put in that gravy.
Millie Helper: Oh, who cares?
Jerry Helper: Well, I do. I may need an antidote.

Jerry Helper: You think we're so childish to be hurt by anything so childish?
Laura Petrie: Then how come Millie's been in the shower all day?
Jerry Helper: Well, you know how childish Millie is.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: That's My Boy?? (#3.1)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: Jerry, that nurse gave Laura the wrong jewelry, she called him a her, she didn't even know our name, and everybody, including me, thinks it looks like a different baby.
Jerry Helper: Rob...
Rob Petrie: Look, even Laura thinks the baby looks different. His own mother!... I think.

Rob Petrie: Who, uh... who do you think the baby looks like?
Jerry Helper: You know, I don't know. How can you tell at this age? I mean, their looks change every day. Now, that first day, he looked like you.
Rob Petrie: Yeah. Then a little later he looked something like Laura.
Jerry Helper: Mm-hm.
Rob Petrie: Then, the day comin' home in the cab, he looked a lot like Ralph Martoni.
Jerry Helper: Who's Ralph Martoni?
Rob Petrie: The cab driver. Didn't you see his picture on the license plate? Little pudgy bald guy.
Jerry Helper: Rob, listen, all newborn babies look like Ralph Martoni. I mean, the hospital could give you any kid and you wouldn't know the difference.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Jealousy! (#1.7)" (1961)
Jerry Helper: Hey, why can't you be home to give me a kiss like other wives do?
Millie Helper: What other wives have been giving you kisses?

Rob Petrie: Have you had your coffee?
Jerry Helper: Are you kiddin'? Millie hasn't gotten up to fix me coffee since we're married. She's gotta get her "fifteen hours."

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Gesundheit, Darling (#2.12)" (1962)
Jerry Helper: Well, Rob, I'm not a psychiatrist, but didn't you notice that every time you lost a game you sneezed?
Laura Petrie: Well, I lost too, Jerry, and I'm not sneezing.
Jerry Helper: Yeah, but, Honey, you don't take defeat as emotionally as Rob. You see, he's suppressing his anger and that anger had to go someplace.
Millie Helper: So it came out his nose?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I think I'm allergic to Jerry.
Jerry Helper: What?
Millie Helper: You're not making any sense.
Millie Helper: [to Laura] He's not making any sense.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Jerry, gimme a hug.
Jerry Helper: A HUG!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Come on.
Jerry Helper: No... Rob...
[Rob hugs Jerry]
Jerry Helper: ROB...!
[Rob sneezes]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh. Oh, good, good. Oh... All right, Millie, you're next.
Millie Helper: What?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Gimme a hug.
Millie Helper: Laura!
Laura Petrie: Do as he says.
Jerry Helper: Hey!
Millie Helper: Laura says I have to.
[Rob hugs Millie and sneezes]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, boy, now we're gettin' somewhere!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is Not a Drunk (#2.6)" (1962)
Glen Jameson: [to Jerry] When I snap my fingers, you'll assume the personality of the person you most admire. I repeat, the person you most admire.
Sally Rogers: [to Millie] Who's it gonna be?
Millie Helper: His hero.
Jerry Helper: San Francisco is the home of my birth. 441 and a half O'Farrell Street. I went through grade school and high school as a star basketball player. Early in life I wanted to become a dentist, which I now am. I'm highly proficient in root canal work. Yes, I am. I feel...
Sally Rogers: [to Millie] Who's he talking about?
Millie Helper: His hero - HIM.

Laura Petrie: Okay, what say we eat first and then get hypnotized?
Jerry Helper: Good.
Millie Helper: Eat first?
Laura Petrie: Sure, we always do it that way.
Buddy Sorrell: Not with my wife's cookin'. Better you should be hypnotized first.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Forty-Four Tickets (#1.11)" (1961)
[Rob, Laura, Jerry and Millie are playing bridge when Rob discovers he's forgotten to order 44 tickets]
Rob Petrie: I'll bid, uh, four no tickets.
Jerry Helper: "Four no tickets"?
Rob Petrie: Did I say that?
Rob Petrie: I meant 44 no trump, or, uh... 44 no tickets.
[laughs again]
Rob Petrie: Oh, bad... Let me say that again. Uh, by'uh, four no trump.
Jerry Helper: Neighbor, do you really think you're gonna make four no trump?
Rob Petrie: I bet a lot easier than I'm going to make 44 no tickets. Let's play tickets!
Jerry Helper: [kicked under the table by Laura] Ow!
Jerry Helper: [to Rob] I got another message for you.
Rob Petrie: [kicked under the table by Jerry] Ow! Let's play cards!

[Rob has forgotten to get tickets for the PTA to visit his TV show's studio]
Millie Helper: You haven't forgotten about the PTA coming to your studio?
Rob Petrie: [stammering] Well...
Jerry Helper: [Laura kicks Jerry under the table] Ouch! I think she meant this for you.
Rob Petrie: [Jerry kicks Rob under the table] OW!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Cat Burglar (#2.15)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: [discovering Jerry outside his bedroom window carrying a rifle] What in the devil do you think you're DOIN'?
Jerry Helper: Well, uh, Rob, I didn't want to ring the bell and wake up Ritchie.
Rob Petrie: So you decided to shoot a gun off in the room.

Jerry Helper: Boy, oh, boy, every year she gets more and more nervous.
Millie Helper: That's 'cause you keep bringin' explosives into our bedroom.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is a Check-Grabber (#2.21)" (1963)
Jerry Helper: Say, uh, Rob, does Laura really have a headache or is she mad at you?
Rob Petrie: Both, and how did you know?
Jerry Helper: Just wishful thinkin'.
Rob Petrie: Whadda you mean "wishful thinking?" You want Laura to be mad at me?
Jerry Helper: Sure. Millie's mad at me, and I hate to think I've got the only rotten marriage in the neighborhood.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Long Nights Journey Into Day (#5.30)" (1966)
Jerry Helper: Come on, Rob! Hey, Millie, where're you going? Oh, I just get one and I lose the other!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Boy #1, Boy #2 (#4.19)" (1965)
Jerry Helper: But really, Rob, this stuff was priceless.
Rob Petrie: Yeah. It isn't worth anything.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Bank Book 6565696 (#2.4)" (1962)
Jerry Helper: Hey, it's a bank book.
Rob Petrie: [reading] "Mrs. Laura Petrie." Isn't that cute? She got a little nest egg of her own.
Jerry Helper: Cute. You, uh... you really think that's cute, huh?
Rob Petrie: Well, so she has a few dollars in a little private bank account. How much could it be?
Jerry Helper: Okay, okay. How much?
Rob Petrie: Well, I don't even have to look. It can't be more than just a little pittance. $378.
Jerry Helper: A LITTLE pittance?
Rob Petrie: So, she has a big pittance. It's her pittance. Look, maybe she's just setting aside a little for a rainy day.
Jerry Helper: $378? Boy, that's enough for the monsoon season.
Rob Petrie: Oh, come on. Now a lot of wives put aside a little for a rainy day. What's wrong with that?
Jerry Helper: Well, nothin', but why is the money just in her name? I mean, uh, listen, if it rains, doesn't she care if you get wet?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Talented Neighborhood (#1.19)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: Coffee?
Jerry Helper: Why, what've you got to go with it?
Laura Petrie: Fresh cheese and crackers or stale doughnuts.
Jerry Helper: I'll have the stale doughnuts. It'll give me an excuse to dunk.
Rob Petrie: Me too, honey.
Laura Petrie: [heading off to the kitchen] All right. I hope I didn't throw them away.
Rob Petrie: [to Jerry] She's got a lot of class.