Bernie 'Mac' McCullough
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Quotes for
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough (Character)
from "The Bernie Mac Show" (2001)

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"The Bernie Mac Show: Hot, Hot, Hot (#1.9)" (2002)
[first lines]
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: Look at this. I mean, I just went outside to get the newspaper I'm talking about 30 seconds, and look at me. It's so damn hot. California,in the middle of winter it's 95 degrees! "Bernie Mac, why don't youget in your pool?" I can't; it's being drained. But I'll tell you one thing, America, Bernie Mac is going to sit right here and chillfor the rest of the day.

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: Oh, it's on!

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: It's called punishment, not funishment.

Vanessa: Man, it's like a prison in here!
Bernie Mac: Oh, you think it's like a prison, huh? Well I got news for you. It ain't. Because in prison, there's HOPE!


"The Bernie Mac Show: If I Were N-Riched Man (#1.17)" (2002)
[Bernie and Wanda are sitting in the living room looking at their mail]
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: Hey baby, the phone bill kind of high this month. Look at that.
Wanda McCullough: Vanessa was doing good in school so I let her call some friends.
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: Vanessa?
Wanda McCullough: Mmm-hmm.
Wanda McCullough: You still got to watch her, baby. I mean, she already think we rich.
Wanda McCullough: Well, compared to where she's from.
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: Yeah, but she think we're old country club rich - old money rich. Shoot, we just nigger rich.
[Wanda pokes Bernie]
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: What?
[the camera angle changes and we see that, unbeknownst to Wanda and Bernie, Bryana has been listening to their conversation]

[Jordan, who wants to go out and play, has just put a dent on Bernie's car]
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: Jordan, what's wrong with you? Are you blind, huh? What do I gotta do to put some sense into your head, Jordan? Beat you in the head with a dictionary? It ain't gonna do no good? 'Cause you ain't gonna see it coming? Your big thick pop out glasses you got on? Jordan, I swear, you make me so doggone angry, I just wanna wring your neck, you stupid little beetle!
[Bryana and her teacher, who just heard this, are looking critically at Bernie]
Bryana 'Baby Girl' Thomkins: Hi, Uncle Bernie.
Joan Lefco: "Stupid little beetle"?

Joan Lefco: Bryana, did you just say that Billy was a pain the...
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: ...ass?
[teacher shakes her head yes]


"The Bernie Mac Show: The King and I (#1.11)" (2002)
Jordan Thomkins: [grimacing holding a spoonful of wet hot cereal] Do I have to eat this?
Bernie "Mac" McCullough: Yes!!
Vanessa "Nessa" Thomkins: [shakes her head]
Jordan Thomkins: Good bye.
[leaves]
Bernie "Mac" McCullough: Hey!

Bryana "Baby Girl" Thomkins: But I don't want to take a bath.
Bernie "Mac" McCullough: No bath! No movie! Now the choice is yours.
Vanessa "Nessa" Thomkins: [nods]
Bryana "Baby Girl" Thomkins: Okay.

Bryana "Baby Girl" Thomkins: [puts socks on chest] Look I have boobs.
Girls: Aw.
Jordan Thomkins: Oh, that's nothing.
[stands on bed]
Jordan Thomkins: Look what I got.
[takes down pants and underwear]
Jordan Thomkins: [girls gasp, scream, and run out of room]
Bernie "Mac" McCullough: [returns with Vanessa and sees Jordan still standing nude] Jordan, I told you to keep that in the barn.


"The Bernie Mac Show: Night of Terror (#5.6)" (2005)
[about the Night of Terror movie]
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: Not uh. You're not watching this movie. Its rated R. Its got cussing and stuff in it.

[about Jordan staying up an extra hour]
Jordan Thomkins: But Uncle Bernie, you promised when I turned 13 I could stay up an extra hour.
[flash to Bernie's room with him talking to America]
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: He's right, America. I did promise him that. The only problem was that I didn't think he'd still be here when he turned 13.


"The Bernie Mac Show: Prison Break (#5.9)" (2005)
Mablean Ephriam: You don't have any evidence against that girl.
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: Judge, I have my gut and that's all I need.
Mablean Ephriam: Your gut doesn't stand up in a court of law.
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: My gut's above the law.

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: [as he looks around in Jordan's room] Alright, Jordan. Where is it?
Jordan Thomkins: I don't know what you're talking about.
[Bernie opens Jordan's vent and found a DVD]
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: [gasps] You goin' to the hole, Jordan!
Jordan Thomkins: What's the hole?
[later, Jordan is locked up in the basement]
Jordan Thomkins: [sobbing] Why? Why me?


"The Bernie Mac Show: Pilot (#1.1)" (2001)
[first lines]
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: [smoking a cigar] Damn! That's a good Cuban cigar.


"The Bernie Mac Show: Here to Stay (#1.6)" (2001)
Bernie "Mac" McCullough: Stop eating my Famous Amos!


"The Bernie Mac Show: Sweet Home Chicago: Part 1 (#1.21)" (2002)
Bryana 'Baby Girl' Thomkins: [Ahead of the funeral] When you die, Uncle Bernie, I'm gonna say my respect.
Jordan Thomkins: Uncle Bernie, when you die can I have your house?
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: [Irritatedly] I'm gonna outlive y'all.