The Kid
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Quotes for
The Kid (Character)
from Bad Santa (2003)

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Bad Santa (2003)
Hindustani Troublemaker: I am not gay!
Willie: What the hell, buddy.
Hindustani Troublemaker: Buddy? I said I am not gay!
Willie: Are you off your fucking meds or something?
Hindustani Troublemaker: Yes. But that isn't what this is about. You're as queer as a ten dollar bill.
Willie: Let me tell you something, motherfucker. My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam. So I want you to look at me. I want you to look at my face one last fucking time. This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I...
Hindustani Troublemaker: [grabs Willie and pins him against the car] Elf fucker! Motherfucker. Elf fucker! Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Faggy Claus! Faggy...
Kid: Leave Santa alone!
Hindustani Troublemaker: Little boy, don't interfere. I am doing this for all of us.
Kid: Leave Santa alone!
Hindustani Troublemaker: [Willie pulls free. Hindustani Troublemaker turns to leave] Ass clown.

Kid: Your beard's not real.
Willie: No Shit!It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out.
Kid: How come?
Willie: I loved a woman who wasn't clean.
Kid: Mrs. Santa?
Willie: No it was her sister.

Kid: Candy corn?
Willie: Well they all can't be winners!

Kid: Good night, Santa. Good night, Mrs. Santa's sister.

Kid: Should I fix you some sandwiches?
Willie: I don't want any fucking sandwiches. What is it with you and fixin' fucking sandwiches?

Kid: I wished for a purple elephant, but now I want a pink elephant!
Willie: Well, wish in one hand, shit in the other; see which one fills up first.
Kid: OK.

Kid: It's a wooden pickle.

Willie: Is Granny spry?
[Wille and the kid enter the house]
Kid: Grandma, are you spry?
Grandma: Roger, you're home, let me fix you some sandwiches!
Willie: Are you fucking kidding me?

Willie: [the kid on his lap stares blankly at him] Well, what do you want? Great. Another fucking Mongoloid. Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me, all right? What the fuck are you doing, Don't fuck with my beard.
Kid: Its not real.
Willie: No shit.
Willie: Ya see, it was real, but then Santa got sick and all the hair fell out, so I have to wear this fucking thing
Kid: How did you get sick?
Willie: I loved a woman who wasn't clean.
Kid: Mrs. Santa?
Kid: No, it was her sister

Willie: That's the seven dwarfs!
Willie: You're shittin' me? Fuck, kid; i just call them you know like hey bub or chief, i tell them to make the god dammed toys
Willie: What the fuck is wrong with you? I can't remember this shit. Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?
Kid: How old are they?

Kid: [while Willie is trying to sleep] Want cookies?
Willie: No.
Kid: Want milk?
Willie: No.
Kid: Want me to fix you some sandwiches?
Willie: What the fuck is it with you and fixin' fuckin' sandwiches?

Kid: Why do you need a car?
Willie: What the fuck are you talking about?
Kid: This car.
Willie: Which turn is it?
Kid: Sage Terrace. Where's your sleigh?
Willie: It's in the shop, getting repaired.
Kid: Where are the reindeer?
Willie: I stabled them. Is it left or right?
Kid: That way. Where's the stable?
Willie: Next to the shop.
Kid: How do they sleep?
Willie: Who? The reindeer? Standing up.
Kid: But the noise. How do they sleep?
Willie: What noise?
Kid: From the shop.
Willie: They only work during the day, all right?
Kid: I thought it was always night at the North Pole.
Willie: Well, not now. Right now it's always day.
Kid: Then how do they sleep?
Willie: Oh, shit. Sage Terrace. What is it with you, anyway? Somebody drop you on your fucking head?
Kid: On *my* head?
Willie: Well, yeah. What, are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head?
Kid: How can they drop me onto my own head?
Willie: No, not *onto* your... Would... God damn it! Are you fucking with me?

Kid: Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids?
Willie: No, thank the fuck Christ.
Kid: What about the elves?
Willie: Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa. I get them on the weekends.

Willie: Is that your underwear?
Kid: Part of it.
Willie: Where the hell's the rest of it?
[the kid opens his mouth to speak]
Willie: Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know. What do you want?
Kid: I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink. But now I changed my mind.
Willie: Yeah? What?
Kid: Now I don't want an elephant at all. I want a gorilla named Davy for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear. And he can take his orders from the talking walnut, so it won't be my bad thing.
[Santa looks at the kid in confusion]
Willie: Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no fucking gorilla. And I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did?
Kid: He made it all better?
Willie: No, he kicked my ass. You know why?
Kid: Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?
Willie: What the fuck? No!
Kid: He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?
Willie: No. It's because he was a mean, drunk, son of a bitch. And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've gotta take what you need when you can get it. You've gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You have to stop being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something.
[the kid stares at Santa]
Willie: Or don't. Shit. I don't care. Just leave me the hell out of it.
Kid: Okay. Thanks Santa.

Kid: What's the North Pole like?
Willie: It's like a suburb.
Kid: Which suburb?
Willie: Apache Junction. What the fuck do you care? Now get off my lap you sit there like a fuckin retard.

Kid: Santa!
Willie: Yeah.
Kid: You're bringing my present early?
Willie: No
Kid: But I never told you what I wanted.
Willie: I said I didn't bring it, dipshit.

[last lines]
Skateboard Bully: Hey, loser. I hear your buddy's not here to protect you any more. See ya got me a new bike. Thanks a lot. I'm talking to you, fat-ass.
Kid: Aaah!
[kicks bully in the balls]

Willie: [to the Kid after asking about the Elves names]
[Yells]
Willie: What the fuck is wrong with you? I can't remember this shit. Does everything with you gotta be a fuckin test?
Kid: How old are they?

Willie: Is daddy home?
Kid: He's on an adventure, exploring the mountains. He's been gone a long time.
Willie: Exploring mountains, huh? How long is he gonna be gone?
Kid: Until next year.
Willie: Yeah? What about mommy?
Kid: She lives in God's house; with Jesus and Mary and the ghost and the long eared donkey and the talking walnut.
Willie: Well, who the fuck takes care of you then?
Kid: Grandma.
Willie: Yeah, what's her name?
Kid: Grandma.
Willie: Is Granny spry?

Kid: OW... OW... OW... I cut my hand, by mistake OW... OW... OW...

Kid: You are really Santa, right?
Willie: No, I'm an accountant. I wear this fucking thing as a fashion statement, alright?

Kid: What are their names?
Willie: Who?
Kid: The Elves.
Willie: Shit, I can't remember, I think one of them is Sneezy and there's a Dopey...
Kid: That's the seven dwarfs!
Willie: You're shittin' me? I thought... I was thinking there was a... I don't know! Fuck, kid; I just call them you know Bub, I call them... I say hey Bub or Chief or whatever the fuck, I tell them to make the god dammed toys.
Willie: What the FUCK is wrong with you? I can't remember this shit. Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?
Kid: How old are they?


Bad Santa 2 (2016)
Thurman Merman: I'm 21, officially a man.
Willie: You're 21 already? That's creepy.
Thurman Merman: Are you still gonna pop my cherry?
Willie: What? Fuck, no! I said I'd get it done, by somebody else.