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: I don't think I know any Dr. Johnson. Look, the one who treated me for the flu was Dr. Allen and then for my sinus, I had Dr. Miller, then that time my knee went out of joint, I had Dr. Smith. Wait a minute, who... who took out my appendix? Rochester Van Jones
: I did. Jack Benny
: Oh yes - - yeah that's when my knee went out of joint.
Dr. E. Johnson
: He doesn't remember who he is. Jack Benny
: Well, what's that got to do with me? Dr. E. Johnson
: Well, in all his mumblings, the only name he keeps mentioning is yours. Jack Benny
: Well, I mean that could... could be anybody. I have millions of fans. Dr. E. Johnson
: From what he's been mumbling, I don't think he's a fan.
: Do you think you can make a good violinist out of me? Prof. Pierre LeBlanc
: Well uh... I think I can do something, but it will take time. How old are you? Jack Benny
: Why? Prof. Pierre LeBlanc
: How much time have we got left?
Prof. Pierre LeBlanc
: Monsieur Benny, perhaps if you held the violin upside down? Jack Benny
: Upside down? I wouldn't be able to play it that way. Prof. Pierre LeBlanc
: Let us try anything.
Prof. Pierre LeBlanc
: Monsieur Benny, could I have some water please? Jack Benny
: Water? Yes, there's some in the cooler out in the hall. Prof. Pierre LeBlanc
: That is not enough. I would like to drown myself.
: Hey! I've got an idea. Supposing I take his violin and prove to him that I'm a good violinist? Dr. E. Johnson
: Maybe if he hears you play well, the shock will bring him back to reality. Jack Benny
: I didn't like the way you phrased it, but that's the idea.
Prof. Pierre LeBlanc
: Pardon me, I... I lost my temper Monsieur Benny. Jack Benny
: Oh. Prof. Pierre LeBlanc
: I wish it was my hearing.
: I just can't understand why you have to make all that racket with the hammer. Chuck
: Because the hammer is made out of metal and the pipe is made out of metal. Jack Benny
: Well, can't you do something to muffle the sound? Chuck
: Yeah, if you'll be kind enough to help me. Jack Benny
: OK, what is it you want me to do? Chuck
: Put your head between the pipe and the hammer.
Rochester Van Jones
: Oh, by the way Boss, the man from the pet shop called and the cheapest he'll be able to take care of the parrot for is 75 cents a day. Jack Benny
: Oh, I meant to tell you, I took Polly someplace else. Rochester Van Jones
: You did? Jack Benny
: Yeah, well here, put this in the drawer so it won't get lost. When we get home, I'll need this to get Polly back. Rochester Van Jones
: Boss, a pawn ticket? Jack Benny
: She'll be well fed and taken care of. That's the law.
: Oh, you're going all the way to Chicago? Mr. Kitzel
: Yes, and I can see my wife's face now, whoo! will she be surprised! Jack Benny
: Oh, she doesn't know you're coming? Mr. Kitzel
: She doesn't know I'm going.
Rochester Van Jones
: Uh oh! Jack Benny
: What's the matter? Rochester Van Jones
: I can't fasten the suitcase, the lock is broken. Jack Benny
: Go out on the back porch and bring some rope. Rochester Van Jones
: Yes Jack Benny
: You know, Don, I'm going to take my violin with me because I'll... you know I'll have three days on the train to practice. Rochester Van Jones
: Say boss, on second thought, if you gonna play your violin, we'd better not have any rope around.
: Oh Mister... Mister. Ticket Agent
: YYYesss? Jack Benny
: Are you the ticket agent? Ticket Agent
: If I'm not, I made two thousand dollars today.
: [as Jack plays his violin
] Gobble gobble gobble. Jack Benny
: Oh shut up!
: You know Mister Benny, I play the violin too! Jack Benny
: Oh Really? Tommy
: I've been playing for two years. Jack Benny
: Oh, well how well do you play? Tommy
: Pretty good. Jack Benny
: That's wonderful. Do you play like me? Tommy
: I used to.
: Hey, wait a minute! Why did you make such a drastic cut in the alphabet soup? Clerk
: Because we just discovered that the alphabet soup in these cans is in Latin. Jack Benny
: In Latin? How could they make a mistake like that? Clerk
: It was no mistake. When this soup was made, that was the language.
: I want a pound of frankfurters, that's all. I don't want a pound and two ounces. Meat Vendor
[bites off one frankfurter
] Meat Vendor
: One pound of frankfurters.
: I think I'll get the corn first. Oh Mister... Mister Clerk
: Yyyyesss Jack Benny
: Pardon me, but where is the corn department? Clerk
: I'm looking at it.
: just a pound of raw liver Meat Vendor
: [weighs liver on the scale
] One pound three ounces Jack Benny
: I don't want any three ounces. I only want a pound of raw liver. Meat Vendor
: OK, Here Rover!
[dog barks while he takes the liver behind the counter
: [serving Jack's drink at his table in the club
] ... and one Shirley Temple. Jack Benny
: [sips drink
] Wait a minute! You put Scotch in this Shirley Temple! Waiter
: She's a big girl, now.
: [revealing his big 'secret'
] I'm not 39. Bobby Darin
] Well, Mr. Benny, how can you keep a thing like that from your Doctor? Jack Benny
: I don't have to! He just thinks I'm in bad shape!
: Waiter, could I have the check please? Waiter
: Don't show off! I already gave it to him.
: Bobby, I'm... I'm really not 39. Bobby, Bobby, there's a tear in your eye. Bobby. Bobby Darin
: I haven't been so disappointed since I found out Dean Martin drinks.
: I sprained my arm, Jack. Jack Benny
: Well, you didn't fall that hard. Sammy
: I know, but it's the same arm they slammed the door on in the patrol wagon.
: For those of you who are worried when Sammy the drummer, you know, when he fell over the drums there. He actually... he did not break any bones... he broke a bottle. Believe me, he would rather have broken a bone.
: Jimmy, how... how old are you? Jimmy the 5-year-old Drummer
[Jack is soaked
: Is it rainin' outside? Jack Benny
: No, Rochester, I was eating a grapefruit and it got out of control.
: Going somewhere? Jack Benny
: Listen, Phil, there's a train leaving for the east tonight. I'm going to be on it if I have to sit on the engineer's lap. Phil Harris
: Well, we just got here. You know what Brenda said... this place grows on you. Jack Benny
: Well, it'll have to grow on somebody else!
Rochester Van Jones
: [brings in groceries
] I think next week I'm going to have to shop at a different market. Jack Benny
: Why? What's wrong with our regular market? Rochester Van Jones
: Well, you know how they always charge less for cans that are bent? Jack Benny
: Yeah? Rochester Van Jones
: Well, this morning they caught me bending them.
: [admiring a photo
] What a dollface! Such a beautiful complexion, lovely lips, sparkling eyes... Rochester Van Jones
: Yeah, boss. That's the best picture you ever had taken. Jack Benny
: I'm looking at Miss Livingston, for heaven sake! How could I say that about my picture? Rochester Van Jones
: Without your glasses on, you could say that about a garbage truck.
: George is my oldest friend. I've got hundreds of friends... but George is the oldest.
: I love your singing. I think you've got a style that's your own - you got a great voice! George Burns
: You do? Jack Benny
: Sure! I've never told you this, but after a golf game when you take a shower at Hillcrest Country Club, I always take the shower next to yours. George Burns
: Just to hear me sing? Jack Benny
: I don't even turn on the water. George Burns
: Really, Jack? Jack Benny
: George, many a day I've come home to Mary dirty but happy!
: You did go to high school didn't you? Jack Benny
: Well, no. I could have gone, I owned the building.
: Oh, you mean that you're not freshmen any more? The Lettermen
: No, no, we're sophomores. Jack Benny
: Oh, I guess I'm the youngest one in the room. The Lettermen
: How old are you? Jack Benny
: Nineteen. The Lettermen
: Nineteen? You look about thirty-nine.
[Betty has invited Jack to see her live performance at Hollywood's Moulin Rouge
] Betty Grable
: Why don't you come back here tomorrow night and watch it from out front? Jack Benny
: Well, tomorrow night I have a very important engagement, and I don't... Betty Grable
] You can be a guest of the house. Jack Benny
: Well, I don't see why I can't break it. Um, may I bring someone? Betty Grable
: Anything you want. I'll see that you get a very nice table, and there'll be no check. Jack Benny
: Well, that isn't important - I mean whether there's a check or not. Although, my tuxedo does look better without a wallet bulging out.
[a waitress hands over a Polaroid photograph, which she shot of the pair a minute ago
] Jack Benny
: Hey! That looks pretty good, doesn't it? Miss Kim O'Day
: Yeah! You know, you look a lot younger in the picture, and it was only taken a minute ago. Jack Benny
: At my age, a minute is a long time.
: [Looking over the hotel register
] Gee, Mr. Benny, you certainly had a lot of celebrities staying here. Mr. and Mrs. Steve McQueen, and Mr. and Mrs. Kirk Douglas, and oh! Sheik Ben Abdul Fouad and wife and wife and wife and wife and wife. Jack Benny
: That was such a busy week! And those camels walking around the pool drove me nuts.
: [Assigning rooms, turns to Harry
] And you'll have Room 19 in that wing over there. It's a little more expensive, but it's worth it. Harrison Otis 'Harry' Carter
: Well, uh, if it's more expensive I don't think... Jack Benny
: It overlooks Raquel Welch's patio. She takes sunbaths every day. Harrison Otis 'Harry' Carter
: I'll take it! Jack Benny
: It used to be my room, but I had to give it up. Doctor's orders.
: You know, I got a black eye once for kissing the bride. Miss Mills
: Why, I thought it was customary to kiss the bride after the ceremony. Jack Benny
: Yeah, well, this was two years after.
: Say, your mother likes you, doesn't she, Gonky? Algonquin Jones
: Oh, yes, sir. Jack Benny
: Oh, so she's the one!
: [reading the introduction written by Peter Lorre
] Ladies and Gentlemen, at this time I am proud and happy to present one of the sweetest men in show business, a man, whose emotional sensibilities are touched equally by the cry of a lost child, the chirp of a wounded sparrow, or the silent protest of a crushed petunia.
: Aren't you Jack Benny? Jack Benny
: Yes. Dr. Heinzinger
: I thought I recognized that face. Are you sure you don't want plastic surgery?
[George turns on his TV and spies on Jack Benny
] Jack Benny
: George, have you got me on that silly television set of yours? George Burns
: That's right, Jack. Jack Benny
: But I'm not on tonight, I'm on Sunday night. George Burns
: I know, but my set is a day slow. Jack Benny
: Oh. Well, as long as I'm here, my fee for a guest appearance is...
[George turns off the TV
] Jack Benny
: Now, cut that out! George Burns
: Remember, if he sues me, you didn't see him. I can't afford it.
: Come on, now. I never get fresh... at first.
: What are you gonna do? Babyface Bogart
: [aiming handgun at Benny
] I'm gonna put a red eye between them two blue ones. Jack Benny
: Where'd ya get the gun? Babyface Bogart
: You didn't frisk me so good when I came in, did ya? Jack Benny
: No. No, when I put my hand in your pocket, I found a dollar bill, and got so excited I didn't look any further.
: [looking for eggs in refrigerator
] Oh, yeah. Well, they couldn't have been in here very long. One of the eggs is still warm. Rochester Van Jones
: Put on your glasses. You've got the light bulb.
: Look, Rochester, if you must sleep during a television show, why does it have to be mine? Why don't you sleep when - when Bob Hope is on? Rochester Van Jones
: I tried that, but the laughs kept waking me up. Jack Benny
: Oh, the laughs kept waking you up, but during my show tonight... Rochester Van Jones
: - Slept like a baby.
: I'm honest- if any other comedian has a bad show, I'm the first to admit it.
: Let's see what this summons says. Oh, there's no trouble here. I can get you out of this, just like that. Jack Benny
: Why? What are you gonna do? J.B. Willoby
: Well, we'll go into court, and you'll plead insanity. Jack Benny
: Insanity? But I'm not insane! J.B. Willoby
: Yes, I know it, and you know it, but we'll never get twelve jurors to agree.
: I just can't control myself. When I'm near you, I'm crazy about you. Jack Benny
: Well, I'm - I'm crazy about you, too, Jayne, but it's so ridiculous. I mean, look at the difference in our ages. Jayne Mansfield
: There's not that much difference, Jack. I'm twenty-six, and you're thirty-nine. Jack Benny
: I know, but I was thinking. Twenty-five years from now, when you'll be fifty-one, and I'll be thirty-nine.
: If I wanted philosophy, I'd go to Bertrand Russel or Jack Paar!
: [During a mock "You Bet Your Life" skit
] What is your name, sir? Jack Benny
: Forsythe. Ronald Forsythe. Groucho Marx
: Ronald, huh? It was Rodney during rehearsal.
: Danny, it was just wonderful having you on the show, and I want to tell you, you are not only a fine artist and really a great comedian, but you are a great guy. You know, I understand that the check that I'm giving you for this show, that you are donating to charity. Danny Thomas
: Well - yes, Jack, I was going to donate it to charity, but then I changed my mind. Jack Benny
: Why? Danny Thomas
: Well, after I found out how much you're paying me, I was ashamed.
: [at the lunch counter
] Oh, waitress, waitress! Miss, may we have some menus, please? Abby - Waitress
: We ain't got any. Jack Benny
: No menus? Then how do we know what to order? Abby - Waitress
: [pulls up sleeve
] It's tattooed on my arm. Jack Benny
: Well, what happens when they change the bill of fare? Abby - Waitress
: It hurts! What do you think?
: I don't really drive a Maxwell. I drive a 1932 Essex!
: [loudly arguing
] Don, this does it. You're through! You're finished! You're fired! Don Wilson
: Oh, yeah? Jack Benny
: Yes, and I'll thank you to leave the house and never darken my doorstep, again - and brother, you can darken it!
: Boy, I could sure use a massage. You know, these television shows - they're hard work. Rochester Van Jones
: Yeah, it's tough on both of us. Jack Benny
: What do you mean "both of us"? Rochester Van Jones
: Boss, you only tell the jokes. I have to sit out there and laugh at 'em.
] Jack Benny
: And now for our fantasy, as we did it on radio, "The New Tenant or Goodbye '55, Hello '46 - Hello, '56"... I'm going backwards, like my age.
[crawling through a horde of women shoppers
] Jack Benny
: Christmas shopping gets worse every year
: Now, wait a minute, Jack. You can't talk to me that way. I've got pride - self-respect. Jack Benny
: Don, if you had any self-respect, you wouldn't work for the salary I pay you.
: [describing Main Street Shelter
] You know, Rochester, it really got me when I saw that place. You know, there were broken tables, and backless chairs, no rugs on the floor, no heat, no glass in the windows. You know what I mean? Rochester Van Jones
: I should - you just described my room.
: [in Venice, complaining about the sightseeing tour being cut short
] I'm gonna have 400 lira's worth of sightseeing! I know my rights. Afterall, I'm an American citizen. Mary Livingstone
: Jack, you promised the State Department you wouldn't tell anybody. Jack Benny
: I didn't promise. I said I'd think about it.
: Everyday it's work, work, work, and I don't know - what does it get us? Rochester Van Jones
: Nothin' but money. I got plenty of nothin', and you've got plenty of money.
: [in the dressing room
] George, did you find Gracie? George Burns
: Not yet. Jack Benny
: I can't understand it. Gracie was here yesterday for rehearsal. She knew the show was on today. Now, where in the world could she have gone? George Burns
: Don't you try to understand Gracie. She might be in Montreal, by now. Jack Benny
: In Montreal? George Burns
: When she left the house this morning, she said she was going out to buy some Canadian bacon. Jack Benny
: What? Grace thinks to get Canadian bacon, you have to go to Canada? George Burns
: I once told her I liked Philadelphia cream cheese - I didn't see her for two weeks.
: You know, I think that it's about time I answered his wild accusation. See, Burns claims that I stole his opening joke and that it was a very good joke. Well, that isn't true. That's the worst joke I ever stole in my life!
: What's on tonight's menu? Liberace
: Cuisses de grenouilles a la José Ferrer. Jack Benny
: What's that? Liberace
: Frog legs sautéed in a kneeling position.
[Jack is convinced he can steal an upcoming leading role, which has already been promised to Vincent Price
] Jack Benny
: It looks as though I'm going to take your place in this picture. Vincent Price
: You're taking my place? Oh, that's ridiculous, old boy. Jack Benny
: Oh, no it isn't. You see, at rehearsal tonight you and I are both going to read the parts, and, uh, the best man will win. Vincent Price
: The, uh, *best* man? Jack Benny
: Yes. Vincent Price
: Mr. Benny, when two people are involved in a statement, the comparative is used. You don't say 'the best man will win', you say 'the better man will win'. Jack Benny
: Oh. Vincent Price
: But when three or more people are involved, then the word 'best' is the correct adjective. Jack Benny
: I see. Vincent Price
: So, before we compete for this part, Mr. Benny, it might be well if you first learned to speak English.
: What is your suggestion? Tennessee Ernie Ford
: Well, uh, you play the violin, and I play the violin, and I thought maybe that you and I... Jack Benny
: Wait a minute! You play the violin? Tennessee Ernie Ford
: Oh, yes, sir. Of course, I don't play it like you do. Jack Benny
: Oh, Ernie, you're just being modest. Tennessee Ernie Ford
: I thought I was braggin'.
Rochester Van Jones
: What's the matter, Boss? Jack Benny
: Rochester, I just answered the phone. Who was ever on the other end hung up! Rochester Van Jones
: How do you know they hung up? Jack Benny
: How do I know? I heard the click. I distinctly heard the sound of a click. Rochester Van Jones
: Well, maybe they were using a payphone, and that sound you heard was the dropping of a dime. Jack Benny
] Oh, the dropping of a dime - I've known that sound since I was two years old.