Jerry Russo
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Quotes for
Jerry Russo (Character)
from "Wizards of Waverly Place" (2007)

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"Wizards of Waverly Place: Who Will Be the Family Wizard? (#4.27)" (2012)
Jerry Russo: How often does Uncle Kelbo come around? A couple times a year. Aunt Megan - never. You know why? Because we let the competition come between us. Promise you'll stick together no matter who becomes the family wizard.
Justin Russo: I promise, dad.
Alex Russo: I promise.
Max Russo: I promise.
Jerry Russo: Not to me - to yourselves.

Theresa Russo: He's studied the hardest. He's stuck by the rules. My son hasn't been a stick-in-the-mud all these years for nothing.
Jerry Russo: I'm rooting for Alex. I mean she's defeated the dark angels, save the world from an asteroid, plus Justin can *easily* get a job if he doesn't win - we'd be stuck with her forever.

Max Russo: I can't believe this. I-I-I prepared myself - knowing that the next time I walked through that portal, one of us would be the family wizard - not none of us would be the family wizard.
Justin Russo: And not just us - any Russo from now on. Alex just cut down our family tree and *burned* it!
Alex Russo: I told you I though we would come back in time.
Theresa Russo: Come on, Justin. Now's not the time to point fingers.
Jerry Russo: Remember you promised each other not to let the competition come between you.
Justin Russo: There is no competition. So the deal's off - because of *her*.

Jerry Russo: I'm selling the business
Justin Russo: What? Why?
Jerry Russo: Well, I always loved the Substation because it was a family business. But we're not much of a family anymore.
[Jerry leaves]
Alex Russo: Well, dad, aren't you rushing into this? Wha - dad?
Max Russo: Mom, what's going to happen?
Theresa Russo: I don't know. But your father is... heartbroken.

Alex Russo: Max, will you forgive me too?
Max Russo: Alex, of course I forgive you. Any sister of Justin's is a sister of mine... None of you can say that didn't make sense.
Jerry Russo: Now *this* is my family.
Harper Finkle: Yeah, a bunch of people selling barely edible food to an unsuspecting public. Ah, those are the Russos I know.

Jerry Russo: That's my girl, the Russo family wizard.
Theresa Russo: We were this close to becoming a normal family.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Report Card (#1.17)" (2008)
Alex Russo: [Professor Crumb, about to take Alex's powers, is turned into guinea pig] Don't look at me, I don't have my powers!
Jerry Russo: [shocked] Justin?
Justin Russo: ...I panicked!

Justin Russo: I don't know why you guys even bother taking the tests. We all know that I'm the one that's gonna win the family wizard contest and keep my powers.
Jerry Russo: That's not for a long while, Justin.
Alex Russo: And what if they change the rules so only girls keep their powers? Oh, wait, you still might win.
Justin Russo: Oh, Alex, you're so transparent. You know that I'm better than you at magic, so you have to lash out and make fun of me. And you don't take any of this magic seriously.
Alex Russo: I can't take *you* seriously. You use big words like "transparent". What are you, British?
[Professor Crumbs suddenly appears]
Professor Crumb: No, but I am.

[Alex's parents have just seen her report card]
Jerry Russo: Hey, what's that?
Alex Russo: [hastily] Uh...
[takes out her wand]
Alex Russo: These parents are now not...
Jerry Russo: What are you doing?
Alex Russo: ...two guinea pigs should fill their slot.
[instantly, Jerry and Theresa are turned into guinea pigs. Alex is shocked]
Alex Russo: What did I just do? I panicked! I needed to buy myself more time.
Report Card: To do what?
Alex Russo: To panic!

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Captain Jim Bob Sherwood (#3.22)" (2010)
[first lines]
Justin Russo: Guys! Guys, is the mail here yet?
Theresa Russo: Ah, Justin. You have been so anxious about the mail all week, honey. It's just a dollar twenty-five rebate on maple syrup. Give him two fifty to get him to stop talking about it, Jerry.
Jerry Russo: I don't carry that kind of cash! How 'bout half a banana?

Jerry Russo: [to Alex and Justin] It looks like you're both winners.
Theresa Russo: Jerry, I don't think you understand; now they have to work together.
Jerry Russo: Oh my gosh, we're all losers!

Jerry Russo: Look, before you guys start working together, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: Do not come to your mother and me with your problems.
Theresa Russo: That's right. It's not that we don't care; it's just that this seems like a regular brother and sister kind of problem, not 'there's a black hole in the Sub Station sucking in the universe' kind of problem.
Alex Russo: When are you gonna let that go?
Theresa Russo: When someone finds my storage box, full of my Christmas sweaters.
Alex Russo: I don't think the black hole got rid of those.
Jerry Russo: No, it was the black hole.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: You Can't Always Get What You Carpet (#1.6)" (2007)
[first lines]
Jerry Russo: Ha ha ha! Alex is going to love her room. The flowery thingies are perfect for my little princess.

Jerry Russo: What kind of cloud should you fly into?
[stops Alex answering]
Jerry Russo: Heh, trick question; none of them. Because it's very easy to become confused in a cloud. Which way's up? Which way's down? I don't know. Crash!
Alex Russo: What'd you crash into in a cloud?
Jerry Russo: A confused wizard on a carpet going the other way.

[last lines]
Jerry Russo: I don't know what you did, but thanks.
Justin Russo: I didn't do anything.
Jerry Russo: Really! I was watching the Mets game the other day, and there was a fly ball that went up and never came down. Want to tell me something about that?
Justin Russo: I, uh, I...
[he flees the room]

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Pop Me and We Both Go Down (#1.10)" (2008)
[first lines]
Theresa Russo: He-e-y, how was school? Max, why are you carrying Alex's backpack like that?
Max Russo: She told me my backpack was bending my spine, so she gave me hers to even it out.
Alex Russo: Let's check.
[takes her backpack]
Alex Russo: There, all straight. You're welcome.
Jerry Russo: Alex, your brother is not your pack mule.
Max Russo: Yeah, I'm not your pack mule.
Alex Russo: I'm sorry, Maxie.
[hands him her backpack]
Alex Russo: Could you take this upstairs for me?
Max Russo: Sure.

Justin Russo: In walks this brand new girl, and she is the hottest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Jerry Russo: Eva Longoria goes to your school?
Theresa Russo: [offended] Eva Longoria?

[last lines]
Theresa Russo: So, how long have you been in this line of work?
Trophy Man: Well, since the first Olympics, but I was just on a medal back then. I've done all kinds of trophies.
Alex Russo: What about tennis?
[Trophy Man poses as tennis player]
Justin Russo: World's fastest typist?
[Trophy Man poses as typist]
Trophy Man: Yeah. Oh, you know what other trophy I've done?
[leans toward Theresa]
Trophy Man: World's greatest kisser.
Jerry Russo: All right, all right, it's past everybody's bedtime. It's time for you to get back on the pedestal. Alex.
Alex Russo: Garybay eemobilitay.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Quinceanera (#1.20)" (2008)
[first lines]
Jerry Russo: Okay. Before I start class, I want to remind you all that your grandmother is coming for a visit. And since she's your mother's mother and not my mother she doesn't know anything about all of this.
Max Russo: You mean how you won't turn on the AC in here?
Jerry Russo: No, I'm talking about magic. And when grandma's here no-one uses magic or talks about magic.

Jerry Russo: You did all this for your mother, and look how happy you made her.
Alex Russo: I'm glad we did this too, dad.
Jerry Russo: You really are turning into a wonderful woman, just like her. I am so proud of you, honey.
Alex Russo: Even when I break the rules and use magic behind your back?
Jerry Russo: Even then. Oh, honey, are you crying?
Alex Russo: [nods] Yeah, but why aren't you? You've been crying for days.
Jerry Russo: Well, I think I'm all cried out.
Alex Russo: Really? What if I told you how much this quinceañera cost?
Jerry Russo: [starting to cry] Oh my gosh, here it comes again.

[last lines]
Jerry Russo: Well, guys, you managed to refrain from using magic the whole time grandma's been here.
Alex Russo: You're welcome.
Max Russo: It wasn't easy.
Justin Russo: Took a lot of restraint.
Jerry Russo: Well, you should really pat yourselves on the back.
Magdalena: Well, I've never been in *this* room before.
Jerry Russo: Uh, ah...
Magdalena: Wow, is this room what I think it is?
Max Russo: What room do *you* think it is?
Magdalena: Hmmm.
[grabs Max]
Magdalena: The wrestling room.
Max Russo: Two out of three!

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Disenchanted Evening (#1.5)" (2007)
Jerry Russo: [sees the catwalk] Oooo! A catwalk!
[he starts strutting down the runway]
Alex Russo: Well, this is awkward.

Jerry Russo: You are in so much trouble, young lady!
Alex Russo: [happily] I know.
[hugs her father]

Jerry Russo: Hey! Look what I found in a plastic bag upstairs. My old bowling shirt. I thought you threw this out.
Theresa Russo: Jerry, when you find something in a bag with used floss and empty shampoo bottles, it *was* thrown out!

Wizards of Waverly Place: The Movie (2009) (TV)
Jerry Russo: A full wizard there can be but one. all power to a daughter or son. to an ancient battle transport us three where one will emerge in victory

Jerry Russo: Ready... Set... MAGIC!
Alex Russo: [Justin starts running. Alex pauses slightly] Oh, right. We're starting.

Jerry Russo: Alex, if one day possibly you pass and/or show up to an exam, you can use the spell book and the family wand, too. It's just they're extremely powerful, and it takes a certain level of responsibility.
Alex Russo: But I'm responsible enough! I can be trusted! I think this is completely unfair to me and Max. Right, Max?
[sees Max with Justin's enchanted messenger bag over his head and body]
Alex Russo: Dude! Max!
[pulls bag off Max]
Alex Russo: Dude, you are so not helping right now!
Max Russo: And I am so getting one of those!

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Little Sister (#1.12)" (2008)
Theresa Russo: Oh, Justin, sweetie, I'm so sorry I forgot you!
Jerry Russo: What kind of mother forgets her own son?
Theresa Russo: What about you?
Jerry Russo: What? I'm a dad. Before my cup of coffee, I'm lucky if remember one of these kids.
[to Max]
Jerry Russo: Come on, Bobby, bedtime.

Jerry Russo: Lesson number two is about genies that live in a lamp. And they are the con artists of the wizard world.
Alex Russo: Con artists? I thought they were supposed to grant you three wishes.
Justin Russo: They do. But they take your wish and they twist it around into something you wish you never wished for.
Max Russo: Is Alex a genie?
[Justin laughs]
Jerry Russo: No, she's just your older sister. But good, Max, you understand the concept.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: The Crazy 10 Minute Sale (#1.1)" (2007)
Jerry Russo: [looking at wand] There's a lot of great memories wrapped up in this wand.
Theresa Russo: And a lot of stories I'm tired of hearing.
Max Russo, Justin Russo: [laughs, then immediately stops when dad looks at them]
Justin Russo: She said it. We didn't.

[Jerry sees Max trying to hold up Alex's duplicate]
Jerry Russo: What are you doing?
Max Russo: Dancing. With my sister. Practicing for that new reality show...
Max Russo: "Dancing With My Sister".

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Curb Your Dragon (#1.8)" (2007)
[first lines]
Jerry Russo: [as a goat] OK, Alex, change me back.
Alex Russo: Oh, but, Daddy, you look so cute as a goat.
Max Russo: Let's make him eat a tin can.
Jerry Russo: Not funny, Ma-ax. Alex, change me ba-a-ak.
Alex Russo: OK, OK. Huminoza espinoza.
Jerry Russo: [Jerry returns to human form] Oh!
Justin Russo: We really got your goat, huh, Dad.

Theresa Russo: So Dragon is really a dragon? Amazing!
Jerry Russo: Actually, there are a lot of secret dragons.
Theresa Russo: No, that in a family of wizards I didn't see that coming. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

"Wizards of Waverly Place: The Supernatural (#1.15)" (2008)
Justin Russo: I never liked baseball, anyway.
Jerry Russo: Then why did you try out for the team?
Justin Russo: To impress Kari Langsdorf.
Jerry Russo: Oh. I get it. You know, when I was your age, I tried using magic to impress a girl. Turned into a total disaster.
Justin Russo: What happened?
Jerry Russo: I married her.
Jerry Russo: I'm just kidding.
[becomes serious]
Jerry Russo: Seriously, I'm just kidding. Don't even say I said that, even as a joke.

Jerry Russo: I know what you did, Alex. You broke the rules and used magic because you wanted Riley to ask you out
Alex Russo: I did no such thing! And it totally worked.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Helping Hand (#2.14)" (2009)
Jerry Russo: This is Justin's spell. It's called Helping Hand.
Alex Russo: Will it slap him?
Justin Russo: No.
Alex Russo: Well, then it's no help to me! Pfft!

Jerry Russo: This is Justin's spell. It's called Helping Hand.
Alex Russo: Will it slap him?
Jerry Russo: No.
Alex Russo: Well, then it's no help to me! Pfft!

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Wizards vs. Finkles (#3.23)" (2010)
[first lines]
Justin Russo: Hey, guys, how's it going? So, check it out. Mom sent more photos of possible beaches for this year's family photo.
Alex Russo: Wait. We're supposed to go to a place we never go and put our arms around each other like we never do just to have a picture we can send to people we don't like anyway?
Jerry Russo: And this year there's a record number of families we don't like to send them to.

Harper Finkle: Do you even know where Romania is?
Alex Russo: [Scoffs] Yes, it's in Rome, duh! I know my states!
Max Russo: She's right, you know.
Jerry Russo: [Slaps Max upside the head] No she's not! Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. D in Geometry!

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Wizards vs. Werewolves (#3.9)" (2010)
Jerry Russo: [Watching Justin] He's making a mashed potatoe girlfriend out of my leftovers. Make him stop!

Jerry Russo: Oh and now I'm losing a customer. You love it when I lose customers. There he goes.
Alex Russo: That poor man. What did he ever do to you, dad?
Jerry Russo: Wow. Your heart must really be broken.
[Jerry hugs Alex]
Jerry Russo: Honey.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Family Game Night (#2.20)" (2009)
Theresa Russo: Honey, I got rid of that thing for a reason. Family game night nearly destroyed this family. Don't you remember? The fighting, the cheating, the crying when someone lost.
Jerry Russo: But that's because the kids were young. I think they're old enough to handle it now.
Theresa Russo: They weren't the ones who were crying.

Jerry Russo: Alex, you're just in time for Family Game Night.
Alex Russo: Oh, sorry I don't play games, especially ones that end with crime scene tape.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: The Good, the Bad, and the Alex (#3.15)" (2010)
[last lines]
Jerry Russo: [chanting] I've got me some pudding. For dinner. Hm, hm. Are you jealous?
[Max steps back]
Jerry Russo: A bearded lady! Oh, man! Trade ya.
Max Russo: Take a walk, pudding-face.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Credit Check (#1.18)" (2008)
[first lines]
Jerry Russo: Okay, everybody, gather round. Time for the semi-annual new sandwich idea meeting. Okay, Max. Go!
Max Russo: The crust-lover's special. It's a sandwich made out of only bread crusts.
Jerry Russo: Well, what do you do with the middles?
Max Russo: It'd be nice if you pitched ideas rather than problems, once in a while.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: First Kiss (#1.2)" (2007)
Max Russo: [tasting sandwich] Its close but this one has too much teriyaki.
Theresa Russo: Honey, we didn't put any teriyaki on it.
Max Russo: Then it needs teriyaki!
Jerry Russo: [frustrated] This one has too much cheese. This one needs barbeque sauce. And this one tastes like armpit! How do you even know that?
Max Russo: Wrestling
[with a "duh" look on his face]

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Potion Commotion (#1.11)" (2008)
Jerry Russo: Today's lesson is about potions that make you have emotions. Emotion potions. Not potions that make you move quicker or slower; those are Motion Potions.
Jerry Russo: You see what I just did?
Alex Russo: Yeah, that was a crime of rhyme. Wow, that was lame, and I'm ashamed.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Hugh's Not Normous (#2.18)" (2009)
Jerry Russo: You can't get away with treating people like this, Alex. You know, sometimes you're just not a nice person.
Alex Russo: I'm a nice person!
[Jerry looks at her questioningly]
Alex Russo: Well, nice enough,

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Wizard School: Part 2 (#1.14)" (2008)
[last lines]
Theresa Russo: Isn't this the strangest thing you have ever seen?
Jerry Russo: No. It's a dream come true. Giant things eating what they are. C'mon, who hasn't had that dream?
Max Russo: If a giant claw comes out of the sky and grabs one of them, then I've had that dream.
Jerry Russo: That's weird.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Alex Charms a Boy (#3.8)" (2010)
Jerry Russo: As a great poet once said: "Don't go changin' to try to please me."
Harper Finkle: Mr. Russo, are you quoting Billy Joel?
Jerry Russo: I've never heard of that person.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Delinquent Justin (#3.21)" (2010)
[last lines]
Alex Russo: I'm so sorry. I should have never created that duplicate in the first place. I guess I was just scared that I really wouldn't have anybody to fight with when you went off to college.
Justin Russo: We've had a lot of pretty good fights, huh? I think we've still got a few good ones left in us. What d'you think?
Alex Russo: I hope so.
Theresa Russo: You guys are hilarious. Just say you love each other.
Alex Russo, Justin Russo: No, we don't!
Alex Russo: Sorry I interfered with your college plans.
Justin Russo: It's all good. When I had that college brain in my head I realized that I knew all that stuff anyway; now it's time to get on with the real learning. Medical school, here I come.
Jerry Russo: How expensive is that?
Theresa Russo: If I told you, you'd need a doctor.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Art Museum Piece (#1.21)" (2008)
[last lines]
Jerry Russo: Now, what you are about to see I normally don't condone, but it's a heck of a lot of fun.
Theresa Russo: Okay, kids, watch this.
[she walks into the door]
Theresa Russo: Ow!
Max Russo: I guess we found out how long the spell lasts.
Theresa Russo: I hate living with wizards.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Movies (#1.9)" (2007)
Jerry Russo: [trying to teach spells] Okay, you haven't eaten for days and you're starving and in desperate need of a sandwich. What do you do?
Alex Russo: I go down to the sandwich shop and ask Mom to make me a sandwich.
Jerry Russo: Yes, but Mom's not there.
Justin Russo: Where's Mom?
Jerry Russo: She left the country.
Justin Russo: Left the country! Why? Is she okay?
Jerry Russo: She's fine!
Alex Russo: Well if she's fine I don't see why she couldn't make me a sandwich.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Alex in the Middle (#1.16)" (2008)
[first lines]
Justin Russo: And that's when the great Chinese wizard Lee first used dragon scales to build an impenetrable box for safeguarding one's wand. And then in the twelfth century there were nine native...
Jerry Russo: Time! You're supposed to keep your oral reports *under* forty-five minutes; otherwise, you start losing people.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Baby Cupid (#2.10)" (2008)
Alex Russo: Dad, where's mom? She's supposed to turn up to my marriage and family class.
Jerry Russo: Well, we lost her by the cupcakes.
Alex Russo: Dad? Cupcakes?
Jerry Russo: OK, I got lost in the cupcakes.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Wizards vs. Vampires on Waverly Place (#2.26)" (2009)
Jerry Russo: [on the Van Heusens] They're like shaved wolves... that can vote!