Paul Buchman
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Quotes for
Paul Buchman (Character)
from "Mad About You" (1992)

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"Mad About You: Natural History (#2.7)" (1993)
Paul Buchman: What, how, how was that different?
Jamie Stemple Buchman: Because it was. When we met, it was fate.
Paul Buchman: Don't, don't start with the fate thing.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: Well, that's what it was.
Paul Buchman: How-Who-Who told you that?
Jamie Stemple Buchman: Nobody told me that.
Paul Buchman: See, because they're not helping you.

Paul Buchman: She already said she was busy.
Ira Buchman: When?
Paul Buchman: In front of the pterodactyls and then again she said she was busy in front of the paleozoic mollusks.
Ira Buchman: So what?
Paul Buchman: So must you be humiliated era by era?

Jamie Stemple Buchman: What is that?
Paul Buchman: That, ooh, that's 200 million years of plaque.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: Well, put it back.
Paul Buchman: You know how long this guy survived before us?


"Mad About You: The Good, the Bad and the Not-So-Appealing (#4.4)" (1995)
Paul Buchman: Okay, ma, what's going on? What's the trick?
Sylvia Buchman: What? No trick. Thank God, the dish.

Sylvia Buchman: She suggested I should gather the family and have them decide now who will get what of mine after I go over.
Paul Buchman: Go over.
Sylvia Buchman: Pass on.
Burt Buchman: Die. You're not gonna pass on. You're gonna die.

Burt Buchman: Let me tell you something. No matter when I die, it's gonna piss me off.
Paul Buchman: Hey, listen, me too.


"Mad About You: Met Someone (#1.11)" (1992)
Jamie Buchman: [When Paul first asks her out] You do realize if this doesn't work out, I'll have to blow my brains out.
Paul: Well, just as long as there's no pressure.

Paul: This is me having a great time.
Jamie Buchman: Really? And you never been with a man?
Paul: Why? What did you hear?
Jamie Buchman: I'm just making sure.

Jamie Buchman: How do I know you are not some axeman?
Paul: [shows Jamie his hands] Do these look like hands that have ever held an axe?
Jamie Buchman: How do you know I'm not a married woman?
Paul: No ring.
Jamie Buchman: How do you know I'm not a married woman who'd just been mugged?
Paul: Oh boy, you're making this very hard.
Jamie Buchman: What would you do if you were at work and some woman walked in with your dry cleaning?
Paul: I'd say 'ma go away'!


"Mad About You: The Painter (#1.21)" (1993)
Paul Buchman: You had a jealous fight and he threw you through the door! Are you all right?
Jamie Stemple Buchman: Now why do you assume he would throw me through the... why wouldn't I throw him through the door?
Paul Buchman: Physics.

Paul Buchman: Who's reading Surfer Digest?
Dr. Mark Devanow: I am.
Paul Buchman: Log Cabin Living. Soldier of Fortune?
Dr. Mark Devanow: See these guys? See this guy here, right here, with the ammo belt? That's me.
Paul Buchman: You have a tattoo that says "Meet your maker"?


"Mad About You: Up in Smoke (#3.23)" (1995)
Paul Buchman: You think the gods are up there everyday saying, "Let's screw with the Buchmans today and see if they pass the test?"
Jamie Stemple Buchman: What test?
Paul Buchman: The test.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: What gods?
Paul Buchman: The gods, the gods - Zeus and Jicama.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: Jicama is the white stuff in salads you don't like.
Paul Buchman: What do I mean?
Jamie Stemple Buchman: Hecuba.
Paul Buchman: Hecuba. Zeus and Hecuba.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: Hecuba wasn't a god. She was the Queen of Troy.

Paul Buchman: Alright, so here's what I'm thinking: a, I've gone insane, or 2, the gods are really screwing with us.


"Mad About You: Mad Without You (#3.17)" (1995)
Paul Buchman: But excuse me, it's my bed.
Sister Dorothea: Not anymore.
Paul Buchman: No, but you have a whole lot of beds coming from British people.
Sister Dorothea: When?
Paul Buchman: When? Whenever.
Sister Dorothea: Well, I can't live on faith.

Paul Buchman: Warm, warmer, hot, cold.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: How can I be hot and cold at the same time?
Paul Buchman: Malaria.


"Mad About You: The Unplanned Child (#2.6)" (1993)
Paul Buchman: Alright, it was years ago, but it was on Halloween, right? So I was dressed up like Superman. So I'm dressed as Superman. I was standing there, minding my own business, as Superman is wont to do, and all of a sudden, the Escobar brothers, they come out of nowhere...
Jamie Stemple Buchman: The Escobar brothers?
Paul Buchman: Yes, the Escobar brothers: Matty, Felipe and Jesus. So they, they'd just turned 10, so they were like a reign of terror.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: I thought you were Superman.
Paul Buchman: They don't respect the uniform.

Jamie Stemple Buchman: It's a love story about two gymnasts.
Paul Buchman: What's the matter with you?
Jamie Stemple Buchman: What?
Paul Buchman: Why, why would you want to see a bad movie?
Jamie Stemple Buchman: You know what? You're homophobic.
Paul Buchman: Why would you insist on seeing a bad movie?
Jamie Stemple Buchman: You've never even seen it.
Paul Buchman: I never will see this movie.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: That's because you're homophobic.
Paul Buchman: No.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: It's the same reason you won't let a man give you a massage.
Paul Buchman: No, that's because I, no, that's not true at all. I don't think if a stranger, if a stranger is rubbing oil on my buttocks...
Jamie Stemple Buchman: That is not it. The word penis makes you uncomfortable.


"Mad About You: Escape from New York (#3.1)" (1994)
Paul Buchman: What does that say?
Jamie Buchman: What?
Paul Buchman: That sign back there.
Jamie Buchman: What sign?
Paul Buchman: Right back there.
Jamie Buchman: I don't know, it's back there.

Jamie Buchman: Maybe we should have a baby right now.
Paul Buchman: Those are our options? I pull into a Chevron or we have a baby?
Jamie Buchman: Look at it logically. I get pregnant now: September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May... Boom! The kids out before it gets hot again. Pull over!
Paul Buchman: What?
Jamie Buchman: You have to admit it makes sense! You don't want me pregnant for all that humidity.
Paul Buchman: It doesn't make any sense!
Jamie Buchman: Why not?
Paul Buchman: It makes no sense! First of all... First of all, you're still on the pill. Second of all, and maybe this is just me, I don't think you bring a child into the world just to beat the heat.


"Mad About You: I'm Just So Happy for You (#1.6)" (1992)
Paul Buchman: [speaking to Murray] Because you have no thumbs. You see, that's, that's like a big structural flaw. You'll find that most, most documentaries are made by, uh, higher primates, while, uh, you people, you just sniff each other socially.


"Mad About You: Home (#3.2)" (1994)
Paul Buchman: What, you want a puppy?
Ira Buchman: Yeah, sure, they'd probably make a great mix.
Paul Buchman: Sophie and Murray - how do you figure?
Ira Buchman: Come on, Sophie's a show dog: classy, sophisticated, smart? Murray's a big good-natured slob. 'd be like if you two have kids.
Paul Buchman, Jamie Stemple Buchman: Thank you.


"Mad About You: The Final Frontier: Part 1 (#7.21)" (1999)
[last lines]
Jamie Buchman: Thank you for a wonderful engagement.
Paul Buchman: It has been my pleasure.


"Mad About You: A Pair of Hearts (#2.9)" (1993)
Paul Buchman: You know what? I will, I will go with the Ziegfried. Alright, thank you, that's it.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: And Fran wants a shrimp cocktail.
Paul Buchman: Oh yes, and one shrimp cocktail. Two. I'm sorry, make that two shrimp cocktails. And that's it.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: And crab legs.
Paul Buchman: What are you, a sea lion?


"Mad About You: The Procedure (#4.19)" (1996)
Dr. Mark Devanow: You see? What you're seeing there, very common syndrome, very common. You learn about this first year in med school.
Paul Buchman: What, what's that?
Dr. Mark Devanow: The doctor as God, as Deity. You see, the thing is, the patient comes in here with this fragile psyche, and they have to build the doctor up, to, uh, to almost God-like status, ascribing to him superhuman qualities so that in their mind, they can trust the doctor with the operation.
Paul Buchman: It's just a minor procedure.
Dr. Mark Devanow: You know what I'm saying.
Paul Buchman: Yeah.


"Mad About You: The Couple (#4.8)" (1995)
Paul Buchman: You know who I am? I'm a U.N. peacekeeper, babe. I am Boutros Boutros-Ghali... Buchman.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: So you cleared it up with Ira?
Paul Buchman: Yes, I did. We sat down, I was very honest, I was very forthright. I'm a very impressive young man.


"Mad About You: Mad About You: Part 2 (#3.14)" (1995)
Paul Buchman: I didn't know. I didn't know. People apparently, before a wedding, they give each other a thing. I didn't... who invented this?
Ira Buchman: The Incans.
Paul Buchman: Seriously.
Lenny: Yeah, sometimes they give earrings, sometimes a necklace, or cloth.
Paul Buchman: I had no idea. I just...


"Mad About You: Virtual Reality (#2.15)" (1994)
Paul Buchman: You figured out what you wanna do?
Jamie Stemple Buchman: Yeah, I've narrowed it down.
Paul Buchman: Yeah, to what?
Jamie Stemple Buchman: Whatever
Paul Buchman: Cuz I, I hear that convent thing is spectacular.


"Mad About You: Guardianhood (#5.21)" (1997)
Paul: Boy, we haven't, haven't seen you around here in ages.
Ursula Buffay: Yeah, I got thrown out of my apartment.
Jamie Buchman: Oh. Where have you been staying?
Ursula Buffay: With friends.


"Mad About You: Riding Backwards (#1.9)" (1992)
Jamie Stemple Buchman: I thought I'd never get over it. And then after those three weeks in the convent, I ran into him...
Paul Buchman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry - convent?
Jamie Stemple Buchman: It wasn't an actual convent. It was like a preparatory thing for novices.
Paul Buchman: You were going to be a nun?
Jamie Stemple Buchman: Yeah, I was very confused.
Paul Buchman: I'll say. You're not even Catholic. Gee, see this is why I don't like to leave the apartment.


"Mad About You: Cake Fear (#3.21)" (1995)
Paul Buchman: See, this is what I never would've seen coming.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: Just hold on.
Paul Buchman: Seriously, who would've thought, the tragedy of natural selection.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: This is not a tragedy.
Susannah: Excuse me.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: I mean for him.
Ira Buchman: Look, I, I thought they could've been friends.
Susannah: It's a cat and a bird. Figure it out.
Ira Buchman: So now I know.


"Mad About You: The Birth: Part 2 (#5.24)" (1997)
Paul Buchman: [asked why he is in the toilet] I'm voting.


"Mad About You: The Apartment (#1.8)" (1992)
Paul Buchman: You know what? It's not that bad. It's like waiting for a bus on a cold night. Try it.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: I told you, I'm being cremated. I can't believe you don't want to die with me.
Paul Buchman: Hey, don't take it personally. It's not that I don't want to die with you. I just, I don't, I don't want to die, period.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: So we're breaking up.
Paul Buchman: I guess so. You know, you're off to the furance, I'm off to the freezer.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: We said, "'til death do us part."
Paul Buchman: Well, you'll be dead.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: But you won't.
Paul Buchman: Well, then come with me. Come on, we'll get, there's a family plan. We'll get a discount if we just freeze our heads. Come on.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: Look, I believe when you go, you go. All good things must pass.
Paul Buchman: Like my apartment?
Jamie Stemple Buchman: Like your apartment.


"Mad About You: Storms We Cannot Weather (#2.22)" (1994)
Jamie Stemple Buchman: I'm flirting?
Paul Buchman: Yes.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: Is it that obvious?
Paul Buchman: Yes.
Jamie Stemple Buchman: I'll give you $20 to go to a movie.


"Mad About You: Purseona (#3.18)" (1995)
Jamie Buchman: Why don't you use Ira's passport?
Paul: Oh, there's a bad idea.


"Mad About You: The Late Show (#2.14)" (1994)
Paul Buchman: How stupid are we?
Jamie Stemple Buchman: [holding her arms out as wide as she can] Thiiiiiiiiiiiiis stupid.


"Mad About You: Paul Slips in the Shower (#6.21)" (1998)
Paul Buchman: I... I just want to win, Lord. I just want to win.
God: What if you can't?
Paul Buchman: How's that?
God: What if you can't win? Do you still want to live?
Paul Buchman: Yes... but not as much.


"Mad About You: I Don't See It (#4.5)" (1995)
Paul Buchman: Hey, you would know. Lance Brockwell. Who is that?
Ira Buchman: Lance Brockwell.
Paul Buchman: Yeah.
Ira Buchman: Oh no. He played for San Diego in the sixties. Remember the whole thing with the, with the young girl?


"Mad About You: Murray's Tale (#2.1)" (1993)
Lisa Stemple: I guess I got hungry.
Paul Buchman: So basically you brought me a bag?
Lisa Stemple: Whatever happened to "it's the thought".
Paul Buchman: Here's a thought...