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Quotes for
Greg Montgomery (Character)
from "Dharma & Greg" (1997)

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"Dharma & Greg: Pilot (#1.1)" (1997)
Greg Montgomery: [Dharma has unexpectedly shown up at his office] H-how...
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Ho-o-ow did I find you?
Greg Montgomery: [sheepishly] Yeah.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: [holding up a newspaper] "Greg Montgomery, Assistant U.S. Attorney, files Mob indictment." See, that's you right next to the guy with the coat over his head.
Greg Montgomery: This is amazing.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: I know. Is this a wild universe or what?
Greg Montgomery: [laughs] Yeah!
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: [holding out her hand] Dharma. Dharma Finkelstein.
Greg Montgomery: "Dharma Finkelstein"?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Yeah, I know. My dad was Jewish, but he wished he was the Dalai Lama.

Greg Montgomery: Uh... Dharma, there's a naked woman in your apartment.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Abby, I have someone I want you to meet.
Abby O'Neil: What? Oh, I'm sorry.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: [to Greg] She always takes her clothes off when she paints.
Greg Montgomery: Is she your roommate?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: No, it's my mother.
Greg Montgomery: [slightly freaked out] The naked woman is your mother. Do you have any Tums?

Greg Montgomery: I wouldn't have pegged you for a baseball fan.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: No, I'm not. I just love to listen to organ music and scream. You know, you can scream anything you want at a baseball game, and it doesn't even have to make sense?
Greg Montgomery: No.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Yep, watch this.
[Dharma stands up]
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Come on, big guy, drive your coffee table to Idaho! Whoo!
[she sits back down]
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Try it, it's fun.
Greg Montgomery: No, that's okay.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: [standing up again] Whoo! Nectarine time! Comb your frog!
Man: Hey, Gidget, shut up.
Greg Montgomery: Excuse me?
Man: I'm not talking to you.
Greg Montgomery: Well, you are now.
Man: Oh, yeah? Who the hell are you?
Greg Montgomery: Greg Montgomery, Justice Department. You have two options. Either you can apologize to the lady, or we'll take a little ride over to Customs and have a chat about these Cuban cigars of yours.
Man: Oh, man. Sorry.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: It's okay.
[Dharma turns to Greg]
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: God, that's so sweet. Nobody has ever intimidated someone for me before.

Greg Montgomery: So, what do we do now?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: I don't know. What do you usually do?
Greg Montgomery: Me? Well, I definitely don't fly to Reno for pie. I mean, I'd usually exchange phone numbers with you. We'd start dating. Things would go pretty well at first, until I started calling you too much... then you'd get annoyed, start screening your calls. So I call you really late 'cause I know you'll be home. You pick up, I hang up, you star-69 me. I'm too embarrassed to ever talk to you again, so we break up.

Greg Montgomery: How can marriage not be about love?
Kitty Montgomery: I don't know. Ask your father.

Pete Cavanaugh: When are you gonna stop moping?
Greg Montgomery: I just can't stop thinking about that girl on the train. I'm an idiot! I should have gone after her. I should have talked to her.
Pete Cavanaugh: No, no, no, you shouldn't have, and I'll tell you why. You would have gone over, you would have said something nice, like... "You were looking at me. I know you want me." Next thing you know, you're rolling around on the floor with a face full of pepper spray.
Greg Montgomery: [sarcastically] Good talkin' to you, Pete.
Pete Cavanaugh: Hey, anytime. I'm here for you, man.

Greg Montgomery: What took you so long?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Shut up!
Greg Montgomery: No, you shut up!

Kitty Montgomery: So, how long have you two been dating?
Greg Montgomery: Actually, we're not dating. We're married.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Hi Jane!
Jane: [Destroying a motorbike with a baseball bat] Hey Dharma.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: What are you doing?
Jane: Breaking up with Ivan.
Greg Montgomery: Is that his motorbike?
Jane: It used to be. Now it's garbage.

"Dharma & Greg: Old Yeller (#1.14)" (1998)
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Greg, come here. Check out my new ride.
Greg Montgomery: What do you mean your new ride?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Me and Larry and Jane went to the city auction, and we made a killer deal.
Greg Montgomery: Which one is it?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: The one right in front of the building.
Greg Montgomery: Behind the big yellow school bus?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Nuh-uh.
Greg Montgomery: In front of the big yellow school bus?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Nope.
Greg Montgomery: Please tell me your car is under the big yellow school bus.

Greg Montgomery: Hey.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Hey!
Greg Montgomery: What's going on?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: You're here! Jane and I went back to the auction.
Greg Montgomery: Oh, no.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Check it out.
Greg Montgomery: I see a fire truck, an ambulance, a street sweeper, and a cherry picker.
[Dharma makes the nonverbal gesture of zipping her mouth]
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: You gotta guess.

Greg Montgomery: This was your father's idea, wasn't it?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: No, actually Larry thought it was a little impractical.
Greg Montgomery: Dharma! Larry thought it was impractical. Doesn't that tell you something?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Yeah, he's jealous.

Greg Montgomery: Wow!
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Wow good or wow I have something hanging out my nose?
Greg Montgomery: Wow good.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Come on, we gotta gas up the bus.
Greg Montgomery: Dharma, we can't take the bus to an art opening.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Oh come on Greg, just picture the look on your mother's face when we roll up in Old Yeller.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: There's the face!
Greg Montgomery: It's a good face.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: It's not the "hey mom, I married Dharma" face but it's right up there.

"Dharma & Greg: Like, Dharma's Totally Got a Date (#2.8)" (1998)
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: [explaining why she accepted Donald's invitation to his high school dance] Come on, Greg! He's only 16 years old, and he's really awkward with girls.
Greg Montgomery: Well, how's it going to help him to walk into a dance with a tall, blonde... never mind.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Plus, I was home schooled. You know, I never got to go to one of these things. It'll be fun!
Greg Montgomery: Far be it from me to let our marriage get in the way of your dating.

Donald: [upon seeing Dharma in her dress for the homecoming dance] Wow.
Greg Montgomery: [annoyed] Yeah, "wow."

[Greg tells Dharma that he persuaded his mother to drop her $1.5 million lawsuit against Dharma's father on the condition that he submit to a binding arbitration hearing at their apartment on Saturday]
Greg Montgomery: Oh no, Greg, Saturday's no good. Donald just invited me to the big homecoming dance.
Greg Montgomery: Well, I hope you said yes, 'cause my life isn't weird enough.

Greg Montgomery: Mother, I'm not representing you.
Kitty Montgomery: Well, "thank you for sending me to law school!"

[At the beginning of an arbitration between Greg's mother Kitty and Dharma's father Larry, with Pete as the arbitrator, Larry begins his opening statement with a reading of the U.S. Constitution and begins to read the Magna Carta]
Greg Montgomery: I object!
Larry Finkelstein: On what grounds?
Greg Montgomery: On the grounds that you-you, you scared my mother, she fell down, went boom, end of story! Why are you making this so complicated?
Larry Finkelstein: Your honor, that's not an objection. That's a speech!
Pete Cavanaugh: That's quite right, Mr. Finkelstein. Objection overruled.
Greg Montgomery: Uh, permission to approach the bench?
Pete Cavanaugh: For what purpose?
Greg Montgomery: To kill you.
Pete Cavanaugh: Denied. Continue, Mr. Finkelstein.

"Dharma & Greg: And Then There's the Wedding (#1.4)" (1997)
Greg Montgomery: I keep feeling like there's something I should be doing.
Edward Montgomery: Gregory, relax. You're supposed to feel useless on your wedding day. It prepares you for the rest of your married life.
Greg Montgomery: [sarcastically] Oh, thanks, dad. That's nice. I hope that's part of your toast.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Yippee! Hi stranger! How's it going?
Greg Montgomery: Great, couldn't be better.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Me too, I'm having such a wonderful time - can we go home now?
[hears Kitty calling for her]
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: . Ah! In here, quick, it's the queen of pain!
Greg Montgomery: I thought I was the only one who called her that.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Greg, this is unbelievable. Ok? Now I know why people elope.
Greg Montgomery: Dharma, we eloped.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: I guess we're just a couple of overdressed idiots then.
Greg Montgomery: It's almost over.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: It hasn't even started yet! Why can't we just leave?
Greg Montgomery: Because we'd never be able to face these people again.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Ah, you promise?
Greg Montgomery: We gotta go out there, it'll get better, I promise
[hears Kitty calling for Greg]
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Oh god, it's her. Oh god, if she finds out I'm in here there's no telling what she'll stick in my head!

Society Dave: Let's welcome to the dance floor the newly weds, Donna and Craig!
Greg Montgomery: Odds are he means us.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Who thought hell would be catered.

Greg Montgomery: [Having crept out of the wedding reception] Ah, freedom!
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Ah, Clifford!
Greg Montgomery: Will you cut that out?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Ok, don't take this the wrong way but this is absolutely the last time I'm gonna marry you.
Greg Montgomery: You know, some day our parents will be gone and we'll look back on this day... and not miss them so much.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: That's a terrible thing to say - say it again.
Greg Montgomery: It's scary. 30 years ago my parents stood in front of a minister and said the exact same words we just did and now look at them.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: That won't happen to us. I, Dharma Freedom Finkelstein, promise never to become my mother.
Greg Montgomery: Or mine.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Like that's possible.
Greg Montgomery: I, Gregory not saying the middle name Montgomery, promise not to bottle up my feelings for 30 years and then spew them like a volcano at our children's wedding.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: I promise to always let you be you and me be me, as long as we get to get naked now and then and switch.
Greg Montgomery: Will you promise to always look at me with that light in your eyes?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: If you'll promise to always brush my hair off my face like that, and kiss me like that.
Greg Montgomery: And make me feel like the luckiest man in the world.

"Dharma & Greg: And the In-Laws Meet (#1.2)" (1997)
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Hey, Greg, what do you think we would have done if we hadn't run off and gotten married?
Greg Montgomery: I don't know. Had a second date?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: I made you a breakfast smoothie.
Greg Montgomery: Oh, I-I usually just have a couple of eggs and juice.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: It's in there.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: THAT'S IT! Here's what we're going to do. The ceremony will be at the Country club. With a Macrobiotic buffet.
Greg Montgomery: The men will wear tuxedos.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Or formal dashikis. Any further arguments, disputes or points of contention will be arbitrated by the bride and groom, ergo Greg and myself. And anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my shiny, white, bridal hiney.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Promise me something?
Greg Montgomery: Anything.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: When we have babies, we will never tell any of those people.

"Dharma & Greg: Shower the People You Love with Love (#1.3)" (1997)
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Did you cut yourself?
Greg Montgomery: [Gleefully] Yes! Several times!

Greg Montgomery: By the way, hot means cold and cold means hot.

Greg Montgomery: Thank you for sharing this with me. This is the first place I've lived in my whole life that feels like home.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: I love it when you say that goopy stuff!

"Dharma & Greg: The Cat's Out of the Bag (#1.20)" (1998)
Greg Montgomery: Did you guys even try to work this out? Have you consider therapy?
Edward Montgomery: I *told* her to go.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: I took your mom to the dirty store.
Greg Montgomery: For what?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: You might want to reconsider that question, cause you know I'll tell you.

[last lines]
Greg Montgomery: Dharma, the dogs are real, right?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Stinky is.

"Dharma & Greg: A Girl Can Dream, Can't She? (#2.23)" (1999)
Greg Montgomery: Larry, you have *got* to fix the wall.
Larry Finkelstein: You mean the hole. Because the wall around the hole, that's okay.

Greg Montgomery: [falls through ceiling because of Larry's "test holes"]
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Greg, are you okay?
Greg Montgomery: I'm just laying here trying to decide if your father is a hole surrounded by ass, or...

Abby O'Neil: Greg, anger is like a little puppy, and it will piddle on the carpet of your soul.
Greg Montgomery: Yeah, I have all my carpet Scotch Guarded.

"Dharma & Greg: The Ex-Files (#1.5)" (1997)
Greg: As unusual as this may sound, I'm not really into picking up guys for my ex-girlfriend, with my wife.

Edward Montgomery: Gregory I appreciate you taking a moment to settle this little thing.
Greg: No problem dad. That's why the FBI built the crime lab, to get to the bottom of these critical Gin Rummi disputes.

Greg: Dharma, it doesn't matter if there's somebody out there who on paper is perfect for me because I love you.
Dharma: Yeah, well, a dog can love a chicken
[Greg gives her a funny look]
Dharma: But eventually he's gonna want another dog 'cause chickens don't chase cars and all the love in the world won't change that.

"Two and a Half Men: Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous (#4.21)" (2007)
Greg: So Charlie, I am guessing by the stack of racing forms next to the can, you bet the ponies.
Charlie Harper: Hey, I'd bet on rabbits if you could get 'em organized.

Charlie Harper: How 'bout you? Do you, you hit the track?
Greg: Yeah, it's actually my second biggest expense, after alimony.
Charlie Harper: So... all your money goes to the nags, huh.

"Dharma & Greg: Dharma & Greg on a Hot Tin Roof (#2.14)" (1999)
Greg Montgomery: [Kitty enters living room in sunbonnet and stocking feet] Mom, where are your shoes?
Kitty Montgomery: Oh, darling... I can't do the accent AND wear shoes at the same time!
[Edward enters room, dressed as Colonel Sanders]
Greg Montgomery: [seeing Edward] MAYDAY!

Greg Montgomery: [to southern gentlemen] We're all out of grits.
Dharma Finklestein Montgomery: Greg ate the last two.

"Dharma & Greg: Daughter of the Bride of Finkelstein (#1.18)" (1998)
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: [in his old bedroom] Did you ever get any action in here?
Greg Montgomery: You mean with someone else?

Greg Montgomery: Jane, what are you doing here?
Jane: Larry was looking for Abby at your place. I offered him a ride since I was coming over to do my laundry.
Kitty Montgomery: Why on earth would I let you do your laundry here?
Jane: Kitty, look around. I'm the least of your problems.

"Dharma & Greg: A Night to Remember (#3.18)" (2000)
Donald: Guess who's gonna have sex!
Greg Montgomery: If it's not me I don't need to know.

[last lines]
Greg Montgomery: Hi Larry, what's up?
Larry Finkelstein: [goes over and sniffs the dog] Jiffy Lube! I left the van at Jiffy Lube!
[runs back out]

"Dharma & Greg: Let's Get Fiscal (#4.12)" (2001)
Greg Montgomery: [about their plaintiff] What happened to the pictures of the stripper before she was injured?
Pete Cavanaugh: They're... uh... at my apartment.
Greg Montgomery: Why?
Pete Cavanaugh: Isn't that a person question?

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: I love you and I don't care if you make a dime.
Greg Montgomery: Well we're there...

"Dharma & Greg: Mr. Montgomery Goes to Washington (#1.8)" (1997)
Greg Montgomery: [announcing his candidacy for Congress, unaware that his fly is open] I certainly didn't expect this exposure. My, uh, opponent, Earl Washburn, is evasive on the issues. But I have nothing to hide. I want everyone here to see exactly what Gregory Montgomery is bringing to the party.

Dharma: Say you were a Congressman, okay? How many guys would have to die before you become president?
Greg Montgomery: [thinking for a moment] All of them.

"Dharma & Greg: Do You Want Fries with That? (#1.13)" (1998)
Greg Montgomery: [to dazed office staff] I have finally realized that this job is strangling the life out of me, and I'm not going to stand for it, so I quit. Goodbye.
Greg Montgomery, Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: [they walk out, then back in]
Greg Montgomery: She forgot her purse.

Greg Montgomery: What's important to me is getting up in the morning and doing what makes me happy.
Kitty Montgomery: Oh my God, he's going into entertainment law.
Greg Montgomery: No, I'm going to be a chef.

"Dharma & Greg: Yoga and Boo Boo (#1.6)" (1997)
Dharma: Greg, don't you understand? This injury is the universe's way of telling you to slow down.
Greg: Any universe that talks to me through my groin can go around the corner and kiss my butt.

"Dharma & Greg: Indian Summer (#1.7)" (1997)
[Greg has to miss dinner with Janet Reno to bail Dharma out of jail]
Greg Montgomery: You gotta cover for me. Janet Reno can't find out why I missed the dinner.
Pete Cavanaugh: What am I supposed to tell her?
Greg Montgomery: Pete, you're a lawyer. Lie.
Pete Cavanaugh: But I'm a bad lawyer!

"Dharma & Greg: Midwife Crisis (#4.5)" (2000)
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: [reading for midwifing book] Set aside time each day to dialog with your vagina.
Greg Montgomery: Is that the new Harry Potter book?

"Dharma & Greg: Run, Dharma, Run (#2.17)" (1999)
Greg Montgomery: Pete, if you took all the mistakes you've ever made, it wouldn't fill up the belly button of this mistake.

"Dharma & Greg: The Best Laid Plans (#3.19)" (2000)
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: [about their sex life] You mean you sat down one day and made up that schedule?
Greg Montgomery: Oh god no, it took me a week.

"Dharma & Greg: Dharma's Inferno (#3.3)" (1999)
Business Man: You should know that your mother is very proud of you.
Greg Montgomery: My mother?
Edward Montgomery: His mother?

"Dharma & Greg: Much Ado During Nothing (#1.22)" (1998)
[last lines]
Dharma: Hey, you know what, Kitty? Greg and I worked really hard, but I think you guys deserve this.
Kitty Montgomery: What is this?
Greg: It's a duck.
Edward Montgomery: That's not a duck; it's a goose.
Dharma: Yes. But Captain, my Captain, 'goose' does not rhyme.

"Dharma & Greg: She's with the Band (#5.17)" (2002)
Greg: Dharma, your coffee gets cold
Edward Montgomery: What are you afraid of, son?
Dharma: Honey, guess what. I joined a band
Greg: That

"Dharma & Greg: He Ain't Heavy, He's My Father (#1.9)" (1997)
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: [for Greg's background check] Just one more thing. When I was 13 I stole a bra from Sears, because my mom wouldn't buy me one.
Greg Montgomery: Uh, put me down for that one too.

"Dharma & Greg: Dharma's Tangled Web (#1.19)" (1998)
Greg Montgomery: This is your opening argument? You-You can't say this to the jury.
Pete Cavanaugh: Why not?
Greg Montgomery: Pete, it... it rhymes. The whole damn thing rhymes.
Pete Cavanaugh: It's the only way I can remember it.
Greg Montgomery: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I was born in a small town in Missouri." It's not even true!
Pete Cavanaugh: Well, you try rhyming "Michigan".

"Dharma & Greg: Are You Ready for Some Football? (#2.12)" (1998)
Greg Montgomery: It's like you say, failure is the compost in which we grow all success.

"Dharma & Greg: Papa Was Almost a Rolling Stone (#5.3)" (2001)
[last lines]
Edward Montgomery: [about his gaudy jacket] Son you know your mother, she'll eventually get use to it.
Greg Montgomery: I guess...
Edward Montgomery: And then I'll take it off.

"Dharma & Greg: Talkin' About My Regeneration (#3.20)" (2000)
Dharma Finklestein Montgomery: One time, when we were having sex, I pretended, you know, that I didn't have an orgasm.
Greg Montgomery: You faked, not having one?
Dharma Finklestein Montgomery: Well, I wanted to go again and I didn't want to have to wait in line. I'm sorry.

"Dharma & Greg: The Official Dharma & Greg Episode of the 1998 Winter Olympics (#1.17)" (1998)
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Hey honey, where've you been?
Greg Montgomery: Me and the guys flew to Tahoe and sailed a canoe backwards down a mountain.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Good for you!
Greg Montgomery: How about you?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: We put your mom in a black wig and took her down to the Navy base to party with a bunch of drunk sailors.
Greg Montgomery: Good for her. What are you watching?
Jane: Two man luge.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: It doesn't look that hard.
Jane: We could do that.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: We could definitely do that.
Greg Montgomery: Let me give you some pointers. The shuttle to Tahoe leaves on the hour, drink heavily, face forward and no matter what you may think, a canoe is not just as good.

"Dharma & Greg: It Never Happened One Night (#2.21)" (1999)
Pete Cavanaugh: Now I know who my friends are.
Greg Montgomery: Pete, I'm not her lawyer.
Pete Cavanaugh: Right. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an appointment with the doctor. He checks my prostate because he enjoys it.

"Dharma & Greg: One Flew Over the Lawyer's Desk (#3.1)" (1999)
Dharma: Whatcha doin'?
Greg: Reading all your books on spiritual enlightenment.
Dharma: Really?
Greg: This stuff is incredible! Do you realize these guys spent most of their lives figuring out who they are and what their true purpose was?
Dharma: Yeah, it's pretty amazing isn't it?
Greg: Unbelievable! I mean, if you buckle down, it shouldn't take more than a month!
Dharma: Did you really read all these books?
Greg: I skimmed - I got the gist! Walden: Simplify. Tibetan Book of the Dead: We're all going to die. Be Here Now: Well, - du-uh! And next I'm going to read the Bible.
Dharma: Oh... Well, - let me save you some trouble: First half: don't mess with God; second half: Be nice to people.
Greg: [grateful] Thank you. That's a couple of days right there.
Dharma: I think I need some coffee.

"Dharma & Greg: See Dharma Run (#2.16)" (1999)
Greg Montgomery: The San Francisco Board of Supervisors does not wage war.
Larry Finkelstein: Of course not, they send our young boys.

"Dharma & Greg: A Closet Full of Hell (#2.6)" (1998)
Greg Montgomery: You didn't really play with dolls much when you were growing up, did you?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: No. I wasn't allowed to. My parents believed that dolls forced the motherhood paradigm on little girls.
Greg Montgomery: So, what did you play with?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: A lot of things. I had a dump truck. I dressed it up, named it Barbie, so they took her away from me. Poor ant farm Ken had to go to the prom alone.

"Dharma & Greg: Dharma Drags Edward Out of Retirement (#2.20)" (1999)
Greg Montgomery: [luring her away from day trading] It's a beautiful day out there.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: I know, maybe I should jump out the window and enjoy it for a minute.

"Dharma & Greg: Sexual Healing (#5.4)" (2001)
Greg Montgomery: [Kitty has interpreted Dharma's coded conversation] My mom said we can have sex again.
Pete Cavanaugh: My mom won't even have dinner with me.

"Dharma & Greg: Play Lady Play (#3.4)" (1999)
Dharma: [holds up ice cube] Look, Greg, it's your mother's heart!
Greg: Melt it and we'd have your father's brain!