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Quotes for
Stanley 'Stan' Zbornak (Character)
from "The Golden Girls" (1985)

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"The Golden Girls: The Audit (#3.10)" (1987)
Stan Zbornak: They could put us in jail!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Good! I want you to go to jail, and I want a big bald inmate named Bubba to pick you for his girlfriend!

Stan Zbornak: [bawling] Oh my God, we're going to jail Dorothy!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's right, Stanley, and please, let me know where you and Bubba are registered for your china.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Stan's carrying a trash bag] Hello Stan, so nice of you to bring garbage.
Stan Zbornak: This is all of our receipts from five years ago, our entire future is in this bag.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: How appropriate.

Stan Zbornak: Hello Sophia, you're looking younger everyday.
Sophia Petrillo: Hello Stan, that's a beautiful tupee.
Sophia Petrillo: [to Rose and Blanche] See that? Now we're both liars!

"The Golden Girls: Bang the Drum, Stanley (#4.5)" (1988)
Dorothy Zbornak: [Blanche and Rose are just coming home] How did the auditions go?
Rose: Great. Oh, you should have tried out, Dorothy. Everybody was really stinky. You might have gotten a part this year.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, don't be silly. Dorothy couldn't get a part. We're doing the award-winning musical "Cats". You have to be agile, graceful, and sensual.
Dorothy Zbornak: You're right, Blanche. I mean, how could I possibly compete with you? I mean, you've given some of your best performances in back alleys.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy Zbornak, I resent that remark. Have you been talkin' to Ed Tyler? That man has *such* a big mouth. Which reminds me. I oughta go give him a call.
Stanley Zbornak: [later, after Sophia is injured by a fly ball at the baseball game, Stan comes by to check on her] I just came from the hospital. They told me Sophia was discharged. Is she here?
Dorothy Zbornak: No, I haven't taken her out of the trunk of the car yet.
Stanley Zbornak: Oh, there you are, Sophia. Are you OK?
Sophia Petrillo: Hey, I just spent two days in the hospital, naked under a sheet, with strange men inspecting my body with cold, metal instruments.
Blanche Devereaux: Which reminds me, has Ed Tyler returned my call?

Stanley Zbornak: [after Sophia is hit by a fly ball at a baseball game, Stan starts scheming] What would you say if I told you I have come up with a great way to make some fast money for us, and all you have to do is lie on your back?
Sophia Petrillo: I'd say you're about fifty years too late on that one.
Stanley Zbornak: I'm talking about a lawsuit. If we can show that you're severely injured, we can sue the ball club and the ball park for a lot of money.
Sophia Petrillo: I'm not severely injured.
Stanley Zbornak: Well, yeah, you can fake it. I have a good doctor friend who will back you up.
Sophia Petrillo: I'm appalled. Shocked. Disgusted. How much money are we talkin' about?

Stanley Zbornak: [after Sophia's injury, Stan cooks up an insurance scam] The doctor's coming.
Dorothy Zbornak: What doctor?
Stanley Zbornak: He's a friend of mine.
Dorothy Zbornak: We're going to the hospital.
Stanley Zbornak: Dorothy, this guy is good. He's probably the most learned, respected, important neurologist in the state of Florida.
Blanche Devereaux: How'd you ever meet a man like that?
Stanley Zbornak: We were judges at a wet T-shirt contest.
Dorothy Zbornak: I'm calling the hospital.
Stanley Zbornak: No, Dorothy, stop. Look, I - I really feel like this is all my fault. That's why I'm getting him. He's the best. And I'm gonna pay for it.
Rose: [astonished] You paying for something?
Stanley Zbornak: What are you saying, I'm cheap?
Dorothy Zbornak: Well, *of course* she's saying you're cheap. You're the only man I know who owns a time-share dog!
Stanley Zbornak: [Sophia, buying into the scam, tells everyone a vision told her to trust Stan] Y'see, babe, it's all part of the Big Guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.
Dorothy Zbornak: Mr Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley. You're a horse's ass.

Stanley Zbornak: Everybody, this is Dr... Jerry.
Rose: Dr Jerry. Oh, it must be great having just one name. You don't have to worry about people misspelling your last name all the time.
Dr. Jerry: Is your last name difficult to spell?
Rose: Yes. But I'm getting better at it.

"The Golden Girls: Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas (#5.12)" (1989)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Stan, do you remember the Christmas we were so broke, you convinced the kids that Christmas was actually the 26th? You went out and got a Christmas tree from somebody's garbage and you trimmed it with gum wrappers and pull tabs. Then you turned on Jim Thorpe, All American and told them it was King of Kings.
Stan Zbornak: And they believed it too.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Right up until Jesus got His medals taken away for playing professional baseball.
Stan Zbornak: Yeah, kind of got to be a tradition for us.

Blanche: [watching the poor and homeless come in] I just never thought there'd be children.
Rose: [nods, sees a Santa come in with them] What's Santa doing here?
Blanche: Oh they pay these out of work guys 10 or 15 dollars to stand on a corner and ring their bell, most of them can't afford the price of a meal.
Stan Zbornak: [Santa goes over to Dorothy] Hello.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Hello, Santa.
Stan Zbornak: [pulls off his beard] Dorothy, it's me, Stan.

Stan Zbornak: [explaining to Dorothy why he's broke for Christmas] I figured with the drought and the risk of fires, the big selling novelty item this year would be a little plastic Santa wearing sunglasses and driving a fire engine. I sunk all my money into the idea and ordered 12 gross from my manufacturer in Germany. EVERYTHING is getting out of East Berlin except MY fire engines. They didn't get here until last night.

"The Golden Girls: Brotherly Love (#3.8)" (1987)
Stan Zbornak: Morning ladies. Hey the way you leave that back door open any idiot could walk in here.
Sophia Petrillo: Any idiot did!

"The Golden Girls: If at Last You Do Succeed (#6.3)" (1990)
Dorothy Zbornak: [Stan is telling the Girls about his latest invention] What is it this time, Stanley? Whoopee cushions for the hearing-impaired?
Stan Zbornak: It's not a novelty, it's a Zbornie!
Rose Nylund: What's a Zbornie?
Dorothy Zbornak: I put up with it for thirty-eight years, Rose, you don't want to know.
Stan Zbornak: It's not that, Dorothy, I just used the same name.

"The Golden Girls: The Stan Who Came to Dinner (#2.13)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [after Stan confessed his affairs] I always assumed this would happen, but I always thought that it would be with that secretary you had. You know, the blonde one that couldn't type or take shorthand.
Stan Zbornak: You're wrong on two counts, Dorothy. One, she could take shorthand. And two, I did have an affair with her.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I'm shocked. That airhead could take shorthand?

"The Golden Girls: My Brother, My Father (#3.17)" (1988)
[in an odd situation, Sophia's brother Angelo is visiting, Rose and Blanche are dressed as nuns, and Dorothy and Stan are pretending to be married]
Rose: I'm Sister Rose!
Blanche: And I'm Sister Blanche. We're... uh, going...
[looks at panties in her hands]
Blanche: ...door to door collecting lingerie for... needy sexy people.
Stan: [Stan comes in] I just saw on TV that there's a big hurricane on the way to Miami, and the airports are closed!
Blanche: Aw, *Jesus*!
[catches herself]
Blanche: ...protect us, in this time of great need.
Dorothy: Amen!

"The Golden Girls: There Goes the Bride: Part 1 (#6.16)" (1991)
Dorothy Zbornak: [Stanley has proposed over dinner in a restaurant] I don't know what to say.
Stan Zbornak: [struggling for words] Don't you see? We belong together. We're an artful complement of individual tastes, enhanced instead of concealed by each other, and served in our natural juices.
Dorothy Zbornak: You got that from the menu.
Stan Zbornak: It was the special. Cajun prime rib. But I think it applies.

"The Golden Girls: Mother Load (#7.6)" (1991)
Dorothy: Put the marriage back together? You told me we were coming here for closure!
Dr. Halperin: Stan, I'm confused. Is this true?
Stan Zbornak: Doc, we're both men. Let's not do this to each other.
Dr. Halperin: Stanley.
Stan Zbornak: Okay, okay. I lied, but so what? You never have?
Dorothy: Only once, Stanley. The night I told you it was good for me, too.
Dr. Halperin: [laughs] And you said she didn't have a sense of humor.

"The Golden Girls: All That Jazz (#5.10)" (1989)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Stanley, why are you here?
Stan Zbornak: Michael and I made plans to see each other tonight, y'know, a real father-son evening where we can rap, and share our feelings, and create good vibes.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [mocking] I can dig it. Where are you taking him?
Stan Zbornak: The Hacienda Hut. Thought I'd show the kid the town, give him some quality time. Maybe it'll make up for never teaching him how to ride a bicycle.
Blanche Devereaux: Stanley, how come I've never seen you at the Hacienda Hut?
Stan Zbornak: I never have to stay long. I'm a chick magnet. That's why they call me Mr Lucky.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You mean for thirty-eight years I was Mrs Lucky, and never knew it? Uh, what about the, uh, present Mrs Lucky. Does she know what a maggot you are?
Stan Zbornak: Magnet, Dorothy. *Magnet.*