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Quotes for
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel (Character)
from "Dalziel and Pascoe" (1996)

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"Dalziel and Pascoe: Bones and Silence (#3.3)" (1998)
Detective Superintendent Andrew Dalziel: Did you find any drugs?
DC Seymour: No-one mentioned anything about looking for drugs.
Detective Superintendent Andrew Dalziel: No-one mentioned anything about Barbary apes, but if you'd seen a couple of them fornicating on the kitchen table, likely you'd have mentioned it.

Detective Superintendent Andrew Dalziel: Who said that?
Det. Insp. Peter Pascoe: Henrik Ibsen. You know him?
Detective Superintendent Andrew Dalziel: I saw him play once... he scored a hattrick against Leeds

Detective Superintendent Andrew Dalziel: Who said that?
Judge Brack: Henrik Ibsen. You know him?
Detective Superintendent Andrew Dalziel: I saw him play once... he scored a hattrick against Leeds.

"Dalziel and Pascoe: An Advancement of Learning (#1.2)" (1996)
[a student has written "Awww Dalzeil" on the evidence board]
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: I before E except after C and especially after the Z in my name.

Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: And you, do you take any responsibility in any of this?
Franny Roote: God no! I'm a child of the 80's, there's no such thing as society

Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: And who organized the bus crash?
Franny Roote: Well that really was an act of God.
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: What, you believe that there is a superior being? Superior to you?
Franny Roote: Maybe... But if the post falls vacant, I'll gladly apply

A Pinch of Snuff (1994) (TV)
Insp. Andy Dalziel: Are you a naturalised citizen?
Maurice Arany: Yes.
Insp. Andy Dalziel: I bet you'd like to go back to Hungary after all these years, eh. Take a little look.
Maurice Arany: You cannot deport me.
Insp. Andy Dalziel: [grinning] I wouldn't dream of it. Not while I can violate your human rights over here.

[Dalziel tells Pascoe how Haggard used to get the boys in his school to beat him with a cane; Pascoe looks po-faced]
Insp. Andy Dalziel: What's up, Inspector? Miscalculated a fart?

[discussing an interview with a suspect]
Insp. Andy Dalziel: So, Godfrey Blengdale's a member of the Cally Club. And him a clean-rectummed Alderman and Justice of the Peace with a class-act "county" wife. Well, well, well!
Det Sgt Edgar Wield: According to Mr Arany's statement...
Insp. Andy Dalziel: It took him long enough to deliver. You didn't bounce him off t'wall hard enough, did you?
Det Sgt Edgar Wield: [pompously] We observed the correct procedures, Sir - at all times.
Insp. Andy Dalziel: No wonder he messed you about. There's a moral there, Sergeant.
Det Sgt Edgar Wield: Anyroad, according to Arany he left Mr Blengdale with Dr Haggard at about 11:15 on the night of the murder.
Insp. Andy Dalziel: Then some stupid sod best have a word with Godfrey "Call Me God" Blengdale... hadn't he?
Det Sgt Edgar Wield: Meaning me, Sir?
Insp. Andy Dalziel: No, Sergeant, modestly I was alluding to myself.

"Dalziel and Pascoe: Exit Lines (#2.4)" (1997)
PC Wayne Hector: I'll need to take a statement from you and Mr Bancroft.
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: Don't worry about the spelling, otherwise we'll be here all night.

Det. Insp. Peter Pascoe: You really shouldn't be drinking.
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: I am moved by your concern for my liver.

Det. Insp. Peter Pascoe: We think you should take a holiday 'till this all blows over.
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: "We"? Is that the royal "we"? I always knew you were posh, Peter.

"Dalziel and Pascoe: Dialogues of the Dead: Part 1 (#7.5)" (2002)
[Jax Ripley has invited Dalziel and Pascoe out for a drink, to placate them about her latest campaign]
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: If you continue with this campaign, I will come down on you so hard, you'll wish you'd never been born!
[he walks off]
Det. Insp. Peter Pascoe: I'd take that as a no!

[Dalziel and Pascoe visit the aquarium where Jax's sister works]
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: Get me a shark butty, and make it snappy!

"Dalziel and Pascoe: Under Dark Stars: Part 1 (#12.5)" (2007)
[a man's body has been found. The pathologist reports that the fatal blow has come from something like a rod with a ball on the end of it]
DI Peter Pascoe: Could have been a priest.
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: Clonked him with a loaded rosary? Three Hail Marys and one How Do St Peter?

"Dalziel and Pascoe: Heads You Lose: Part 2 (#9.2)" (2005)
[last lines]
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: Hey, you know what she told me, Mansfield? She said... there's more funding in this country for leprosy research than there is for epilepsy. Have you ever met a leper?

"Dalziel and Pascoe: The British Grenadier (#4.4)" (1999)
Det. Supt. Dalziel: If words were cricket balls you'd bowl half of them wide

"Dalziel and Pascoe: A Clubbable Woman (#1.1)" (1996)
[to Pascoe who has just met Dalziel, a surname which is pronounced Dee-ELL]
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: The first time you walked in, you said "Good morning, Mister Dee-ELL". First bugger that ever got my name right. First time. Unforgivable, that is. "Smartarse", I thought. I was right.

"Dalziel and Pascoe: Time to Go (#4.3)" (1999)
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: [about his former wife] She's got a tongue as sharp as a fillet knife dipped in arsenic.

"Dalziel and Pascoe: The Cave Woman: Part 1 (#11.1)" (2006)
DC Parvez Lateef: We tried our best sir
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: Bollocks!

"Dalziel and Pascoe: Project Aphrodite: Part 1 (#12.3)" (2007)
[Dalziel has been on holiday to Australia and has come back with a face like a beetroot because he didn't use any sun cream]
Aidan Scarman: Ouch! That looks nasty. I warned you to be careful out there.
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: As far as I know, the definition of "concern" is to be worried about or interested in. It does not mean taking the piss.