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Quotes for
Crypto (Character)
from Destroy All Humans! (2005) (VG)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Destroy All Humans! 2 (2006) (VG)
Pox: Crypto the mothership has been destroyed, and I've been blown to smithereens! Luckily I was able to download a incredible copy of perfect mind into this "Holopox" just before the ship blew up!
Crypto: Wow, that IS lucky!

Coyote Bongwater: [when he first sees Crypto] Aaah! Goddamn flashbacks!
Crypto: Guess again, sunshine. Nice setup you got here. Guns, drugs, bra-burning hippie chicks... A man after my own heart, if I had one.

Pox: The scriptures say Arkvoodle will return when enough people believe in his image.
Crypto: You mean like Tinkerbell?
Pox: Er... something like that.

Pox: They're working from an abandoned prison island in the middle of the bay.
Crypto: Prison island? The KGB are holed up in Australia?

Crypto: For God's sake Pox, the name of the game is Destroy All Humans, not 'play some record and keep the kids off drugs.'
Pox: Do you think you might be able to, maybe, for the next thirty seconds... Concentrate!

Pox: This is the great Furon Leader Orthopox...
Crypto: Yeah, that was the great hot air bag and this is Cryptosporidium.
Pox: Crypto... did you just call me an airbag?
Crypto: Hot being the operative word baby... you're hot... hot!

Crypto: So, modern art? Jackson Pollack pees on a canvas and sells it for fifty grand?
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Ha! Oh... you're serious. Well, I suppose it takes an educated eye to make sense out of it.
Crypto: Educated eye? What a crock! I don't need a masters in art history to know what I like.
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Yes, but as conceptual art becomes more abstract, it helps to understand what the artist had in mind...
Crypto: You do realize the player's in the kitchen making nachos right now.
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Well, you did that whole "Blue Rider" thing in the first game, so I thought...
Crypto: Yeah, I know. Lead balloon city.

Orthopox-13: Here we are, scene 1. I looked pretty good that day.
Crypto: You're a
[bleep]
Crypto: hologram, you look like crap.
Orthopox-13: Crypto, watch your language you
[bleep]
Orthopox-13: [bleep] !

Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: I'm glad you're here sir. The Soviets appear to be up to some mischief.
Crypto: What sort of mischief cos if she says she's eighteen you can't just call her a liar.

Crypto: So you're a secret agent huh? Well I got got a 'package' that needs delivering. For your eyes only.
Natalya Ivanova: I have four knives concealed on my body and I'm lethal with all of them. Concentrate!
Crypto: Oooh... I think I'm in love...

Crypto: Hey, Pox, you know, I've been thinking and, well, I bet that all of this really cuts back on all of your practical jokes, don't it?
Orthopox-13: Oh, sure, point out that I'm dead again! It just gets funnier every 50th time you do it, doesn't it?

Crypto: [talking about his cult] This will be the greatest thing in your life since you found out that boil on your butt was just a marshmallow.

Crypto: [Ponsonby has drugged Crypto] So sleepy... you... I'll
[he passes out]
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Lower life forms. When will they ever learn?

Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Now tell me all the good things you remember about your mother.
Crypto: You mean, you're not my mother? Or are you?

Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: We know you have it! Tell us where it is or it's the Ludwig treatment for you. Eyelids peeled back, excruciating torture, endless hours of Ludwig Van!
Crypto: Oh God! Not Beethoven! Anything but Beethoven!

Crypto: What was... What was that all about? Oh, my freakin' head... This gas is noxious. Smells like Pox's underwear. Don't ask me how I know that. Hey... Hey, what the... Damn dirty apes! Where the hell am I?
Natalya Ivanova: You're in the ABCESS Mental Reconditioning Facility, under the streets of Albion. Looks like I got here just in time. Now come on, spaceman, move your ass!
Crypto: I don't get it. Why are you helping me?
Natalya Ivanova: Because I know now, you're the only one I can trust. Anyway, who else is going to rescue you?

Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: How are you feeling?
Crypto: Well I could do with a martini. After a hard day of being drugged and kidnapped nothing else seems to hit the spot.

Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: [dying] You bastard! You finally did it... M16, the last of the Majestic Agencies... The French... The Mongolian Station... The Argentineans. All destroyed by... aliens.
Crypto: That last round must have scrambled your synapses, I only destroyed the American Majestic... Silhouette's Majestic...
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: You think this is all about you? Oh the irony.

Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: You honestly think you're the only... the only...
Crypto: The only what?
Orthopox-13: Leave it, Crypto. The man was in the throes of a violent demise and obviously in no state to talk. You've had your fun, now let's get out of here quick!

Crypto: Cryptography, huh? So they finally wised up and started studying yours truly.
Natalya Ivanova: Sorry, tovarisch, but cryptography is the study of secret codes.

Orthopox-13: The White ninjas have pieces of our precious mothership and their planning to blow them up!
Crypto: Ninjas again? What are ninjas doing in 1969?
Orthopox-13: Just go with it. Who doesn't love ninjas?

The White Ninja Leader: We will defend you to the death o' Furon Lord, but first we must compose our death haikus.
The Black Ninja Leader: Kill them all and take their precious articfact.
Crypto: Hey, no one screws with my cult but me!

The White Ninja Leader: In the beginning, great ninja sensei wear grey, and his students wear grey.
Crypto: Yeah I saw the movie, old master dies, his students split and eventually oppose each other like black opposes white, am I right or am I right?
The White Ninja Leader: Wrong, the guy stop selling grey fabric. We wanted to be black, but those bastards put their order in first!

The White Ninja Leader: Sensei, tell us what to do. Show us a sign. Should we sacrifice evil temptress demon?
Crypto: Now what's all this crap about an demon temptress?
The White Ninja Leader: We caught her stealing food from the er...
Crypto: You kidnapped a women from the supermarket?
White Ninja: No! No! Of course not!
The White Ninja Leader: Well, yes, definitely. But you do it all the time, what about Miss Rockwell in first game?
Crypto: That's different!

White Ninja: [during Crypto's speech] 1100!1250! 1200! 1250!
Crypto: Stop that!
White Ninja: 1350! 1500! Do I have 2000?
Crypto: Stop that! Who started this?
White Ninja: [whistles nonchalantly]
Crypto: Yeah well, just remember, you mock Arkvoodle and you get one up the ass from yours truly!

Crypto: My name is Luke... Crypto and I'm here to rescue you.
Dr. Go: You... you are Furon!
Crypto: That's right and today is the greatest day of your life.

KGB Agent: We cannot contain the virus! We must destroy the cure!
Crypto: Way to mix those cliches. Whose translating this anyway? You oughta get your money back, lat me show you how it's done. Yippee-ki-ya Mother Russia!

Crypto: Centuries of history all destroyed for revenge. Warms the cockles of your heart, don't it?

Crypto: You know, I did save your life, the least you could do is thank me.
Dr. Go: Thank you? This is insult! I will not say those two words!
Crypto: How about these three? Don't kill me!
Dr. Go: [flatly] Don't kill me.
Crypto: Come on, say it like you mean it. If you want some extra motivation...
Dr. Go: Ah don't kill me, please don't kill me!
Crypto: That's more like it, now you just keep saying that and it might just save your life.

Dr. Go: The gaijan who stole Yuki from me has the final code. He is KGB head called Sascha Soychorski.
Crypto: Now that's what I call a subtle gag...

Crypto: So, you me, jacuzzi, chocolate syrup... what do you say?
Natalya Ivanova: I'm allergic to chocolate.
Crypto: No kidding... that's gotta suck.
Natalya Ivanova: Eh, soviet chocolate tastes like mud anyway. And I have to fit into this outfit.
Crypto: And on behalf of oversexed aliens everywhere let me just say thank you.

Natalya Ivanova: What are the codes?
Crypto: Eye... Love... Ewe.
Natalya Ivanova: Not now Crypto, we have work to do. Tell me the secret codes.
Crypto: Those are the codes. Also, who's on first, what's on second and I don't know's on third.

Crypto: You're the most infuriating female monkey I ever met.
Natalya Ivanova: See that's the problem with you. To you I am always female monkey. Why can't I just be monkey?
Crypto: Be whatever you want, I just don't want you to be a dead monkey!
Natalya Ivanova: Crypto... that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
Crypto: Well I just don't wanna lose my shot at the pink ball that's all.

Orthopox-13: I'm picking up a signal in the ocean to the south.
Crypto: Yeah? What kind of signal?
Orthopox-13: A radiation signature, emanating in gamma waves from the creature's tortured brain.
Crypto: Tortured?
Orthopox-13: Yes. It's as if the monster is crying out, "Kill me! Kill me!"
Crypto: That's gotta be the most pathetic thing I ever heard. So, you want me to hunt down this monstrosity and put it out of its misery?
Orthopox-13: Actually, I want you to read its mind and enter it the source of its cognitive distress, so we can get it some help and over time teach it confidence and self-esteem.
Crypto: You've gotta be kidding me.
Orthopox-13: [shouting] Of course I am, you mutation! Now go kill that thing!
Crypto: Okay, okay, but how do I find it?
Orthopox-13: Do I have to... You get in your saucer and fly to the spot marked on your radar. Look for bubbles on the water. That's a pretty good sign there's a MONSTER!
Crypto: So, then, what? I just drop some fat boys into the water and blow it up?
Orthopox-13: Unfortunately, no. Your saucer's weapons are ineffective underwater. You'll have to figure out some way to get the beast to surface first.
Crypto: And then I play a little whack-a-lizard. Got it.

Crypto: Hey, Nat, if i said you had a great body would you hold it against me?
Natalya Ivanova: Crypto, I like you. but I will neuter you if I have to.
Crypto: Fair enough.

Crypto: Hey Pox, I had something I wanted to ask you but I guess it's kinda 'immaterial' now.
Orthopox-13: Oh, yes have your fun. But my time and my new clone body will come.
Crypto: Listen, I hate the KGB as much as the next guy but don't we have any other enemies.
Orthopox-13: Not on Earth. Besides, they've been roughing up some of my Yakuza poker buddies. I want you to find all the KGB agents in the Yakuza headquarters and destroy all of them. Are you in?
Crypto: Poker reference, nice. You're quite a card.
Orthopox-13: Let's just stop right there.

Crypto: Attention Blisk. I am Cryptosporidium of the Planet Furon. This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire. And your asses belong to me.

Dr. Orlov: Excellent hand-eye coordination. You should try new game I am developing on computer in spare time.
Crypto: Games? On a computer? You're wasting your time doc.

Crypto: Have you seen the blonde babushka? She was supposed to meet me here.
Orthopox-13: No I haven't. As a matter of fact you haven't even properly introduced us.
Crypto: Yeah well I'm trying to impress her.

Natalya Ivanova: Crypto! Thank Lenin you're here! The worst has come to pass! Sergei is infected!
Crypto: Aw, for cryin' out... Tell me you used protection! Or don't they teach sex-ed in the Young Pioneers?
Natalya Ivanova: Kakaya zadnitza! I'm not talking about STDs! He's has been infected with alien spores!

Crypto: [disguised as a hippie] So I kill the Sergeant but avoid the crates... Hey, wait a minute... ain't I a pacifist?
KGB Agent: Once you are returning all the crates, we will be paying you the agreed-upon fee.
Crypto: Ah, the sweet smell of political principles being compromised.

Orthopox-13: And why don't you... torture some hippies?
Crypto: For information?
Orthopox-13: No, for prosperity. Of course for information you dolt! Now get out there and cause some trouble!

Crypto: Hey dollface, you seen my new weapon yet?
Natalya Ivanova: Da Crypto. Very impressive.
Crypto: Well, you know what they say, big guns, large arsenal.
Natalya Ivanova: Crypto, that may be the clumsiest piece of innuendo you ever attempted.
Crypto: Thanks, I wrote it myself.

Crypto: Hey Pox, you got a cushy job here, I do all the work and you sit around eating bon-bons.
Orthopox-13: In case you hadn't noticed Cryptosporidium... I have no body!
Crypto: And nobody cares about you... heheh, get it Poxy?
Orthopox-13: I loath you.

Crypto: What do we know about the Blisk, aside from they're ugly as sin?
Orthopox-13: They are indeed a most repulsive race, and incredibly vicious. Further, they treat their workers very badly and have offensively short tempers.
Crypto: Any resemblance to present company is completely coincidental.

Orthopox-13: Oh, we're doomed! We'll never get that pure DNA back to the home world now! Our race will clone itself right into the genetic trash bin of history! Oh, tragedy!... Unless...
Crypto: Unless...?
Orthopox-13: If we overload the laser guidance system, the weapon might veer off target!
Crypto: Laser guidance system? What laser guidance system?
Orthopox-13: The dishes, Crypto. Overload the dishes!
Crypto: Do the dishes, protect the Earth, save the Furon DNA, got it. Man, whatever happened to destroying all humans?
Orthopox-13: Let this be a lesson to you, Crypto: the best laid plans can be derailed by an unexpected case of the crabs! Now, go!

Orthopox-13: Crypto! You need to increase the intensity of those radar emissions! Perhaps if you cross the beams... Oh, no, wait, that would be bad.
Crypto: I'm a little fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing.
Orthopox-13: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously, every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. Total protonic reversal.
Crypto: Right, that's bad, got it.
Orthopox-13: No, no, there's no use for it. We're just going to have to take the risk. Do it, Crypto! Cross the beams! Cross them for all your worth!
Crypto: You asked for it!

Crypto: [to Milenkov] You two-bit, tinhorn, petty tyrant! I fart bigger than you! You think just because you can keep a few depressed peasants in line, you can go toe-to-toe with me? I'm the king of the world! The master of disaster! The baddest dude in the whole damn town! King Kong ain't got nothin' on me!
Milenkov: King Kong died, Cryptosporidium. I wonder, would you be so sure of yourself if you knew our "fiendish master plan"?

Crypto: [Milenkov is boasting about his "fiendish master plan"] Geez, you guys just gotta have your monologues, don't you? Okay, I give. What's your damn master plan? Lemme guess, you and the Blisk are gonna spread those spores and enslave humanity? Commies and crabbies, a match made in heaven.
Milenkov: [laughs] Small minds, no imagination. It's nothing so mundane. We don't give a damn about humanity, Cryptosporidium. What we want from Earth is the same thing you want: survival.
Crypto: So the crabbies want a new crib. What's wrong with Mars?
Milenkov: Mars is a desert! An acid wasteland! You Furons saw to that! But Earth... Earth is three-fifths water. All it lacks is massive radioactivity, to become a new Eden, an irradiated ocean paradise for Blisk!
Crypto: But what about the Russians? Your people can't live in that.
Milenkov: My people?
[laughs]
Milenkov: Oh, you really aren't very bright, are you? Why do you think we've waged Cold War? Encouraged the buildup of nuclear arms? Good God, what sane human would pursue such obvious suicide? 1908: Blisk warship crashes; 1917: October Revolution. Do the math. You, of all creatures, should know aliens walk among us, da?
Crypto: You're not suggesting...
Milenkov: Suggesting? I'm telling you: Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev...
Crypto: Trotsky?
Milenkov: Please, don't be ridiculous. It helped that Russian is so close to the Bliskish. No coincidence, of course. The Furons aren't the only race who ever used Earth for "shore leave". Face it, Cryptosporidium, you Furons have been out-schemed. The history of the Soviet Union *is* the history of Blisk on Earth! The loss of our spores is a blow, but in the end, it makes no difference! Soon, Earth will be ours! No more humans! No more Furon DNA! And there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it! Lestrovya, Cryptosporidium.

Crypto: Hey, Poxy, what's it like being one of the floating dead?
Orthopox-13: It's quite peaceful actually. No distractions, certainly no violence or destruction. Frankly it's boring the phlegm off me. Aaaah! I want a new clone body!
Crypto: I almost feel sorry for the poor guy. Almost.

Orthopox-13: Using Poxlab, I've created a new virus that will infect and kill the Blisk.
Crypto: Catchy.
Orthopox-13: Let's hope so. I've arranged for it to be delivered to the moon by a courier company... Oh, what's the name? The North American Shipping Association. Anyway, everyone else calls them NASA. You wouldn't believe the cost of shipping to developing galaxies. I should mention, though, there have been some, er, complications.
Crypto: Okay, I'll bite, what kinda complications?
Orthopox-13: The delivery men are refusing to land without clearance from their master, a fellow called "Houston". They're just hovering there, waiting for orders.
Crypto: And lemme guess: we're gonna give them those orders, right?
Orthopox-13: Exactly.
Crypto: Yeah, I'm a regular Rich Little. Okay, let's get contagious.

Crypto: The Blisk are...
Natalya Ivanova: Planning to turn Earth into an irradaited waterworld? I know.
Crypto: Oh. Well the good news is Pox has...
Natalya Ivanova: Developed a virus to use against the Blisk?
Crypto: Yeah, how d'ya know?
Natalya Ivanova: I'm a spy, it's what I do.

Crypto: Hey Nat, I got to ask, how do you get into that suit?
Natalya Ivanova: Shoehorns and vaseline baby.
Crypto: Aaah... if that's a pick-up line then we're a match made in heaven.

Cosmonaut 1: [during Crypto's speech] Why are we not being allowed in area just northeast of here?
Cosmonaut 2: Da, what are you having to hide?
Crypto: Because Milenkov thinks you're too drunk and stupid to go over there without getting lost, that's why.
Cosmonaut 2: Drunk, okay, but STUPID? Why, that zhopa!
Cosmonaut 1: Da! We can no longer be trusting Premier Milenkov!
Crypto: Oh, it ain't just Milenkov, kids. The Blisk think you're a bunch of morons, too.
Cosmonaut 2: Bliskeviks, also? But they're always telling us Soviet Union will be ruling world!
Cosmonaut 1: Da, Leonid! What evidence are you having to mistrust Bliskeviks?
Crypto: *Evidence*? They're controlling your mind!
Cosmonaut 2: Tsk, tsk... I am thinking Comrade Cosmonaut Leonid is drinking too much Revelade.
Crypto: They've taken over your entire government!
Cosmonaut 2: Tsk, tsk... Comrade Leonid is perhaps watching too much American television.
Crypto: They're giant freakin' lobsters! From outer freakin' space!
Cosmonaut 2: Tsk, tsk... we are seeing long-term psychological effects of space travel. Poor Leonid.
Crypto: They're taking away your vodka!
Cosmonaut 1, Cosmonaut 2: [gasps]

Shama Llama: All you need to do is broadcast a signal from your saucer as you fly over Takoshima.
Crypto: Why does this sound suspiciously like a mission I did say... ten years ago!
Shama Llama: Oh no, this is much more sophisticated. This is an eight track.
Crypto: [dryly] Groovy.

Crypto: And they're still gonna shoot me, right?
Shama Llama: Most assuredly yes. But remember, you are a pacifist.
Crypto: Yeah and you're Billy Jane Kane.

Crypto: I think I hear Arkvoodle calling for a sacrifice right now.
Shama Llama: I don't hear anything and I am listening with my third ear.
Crypto: What's that, Arkvoodle, you want a monkey burger? One monkey burger coming right up.
Shama Llama: Oh, that calling. I hear that quite clearly.

Crypto: It is I, your benevolent yet sociopathic alien overlord.
Shama Llama: Oh yes, the little green toddler. Do you have an appointment?
Crypto: I need an appointment to see an indignant hippie with a crappy Indian accent? Not to forget I pulled your ass out of the gutter dozens of times!
Shama Llama: And yet I am the face of the Arkvoodle cult! Coincidence?
Crypto: Well I just voided your contract. Prepare to make the ultimate sacrifice.
Shama Llama: Arkvoodle will protect me.
Crypto: I wouldn't hold my breath.

Natalya Ivanova: Alright spaceman, you line them up, I'll knock them down.
Crypto: No offence dollface but shouldn't it be the other way around?
Natalya Ivanova: Crypto, I was the best shot in my class and I once fought my way out of an East German football riot wearing a West German jersey. I'm not a sidekick. No offence taken.

Crypto: Okay hippies, hand over Coyote Bongwater, or I heat me up some hippie smores!
Prudence Kane: Whoah... we got ourselves a narc over here! Hey Narc, why don't you go back to Narc Central?
Crypto: Ouch... that hurts.
Prudence Kane: Just the kind of answer I expected... from a narc!

Police Dispatch: Police headquarters, Officer Johnson!
Crypto: Yeah, I'm lookin' for Mr. Jass. First name Hugh.
Police Dispatch: Please call back when you have an original joke, sir.

KGB Agent: KGB Headquarters. How may I directing your call?
Crypto: I'm looking for Shoodovodickshmearnov.
KGB Agent: He is not being here, may I be taking message?

Crypto: The sonic cell's connected to the focal beam... I know you want me to sing that damn song but I have standards... they may not be high... Also, we couldn't get the rights...

Crypto: Okay simians, here's the deal, tell me where Coyote Bongwater is or I start cooking up some hippie smores!

Crypto: What! Park full of hotheads and none of you ever had erectile disfunction?
[pause]
Crypto: Last time I open up to you people...

Orthopox-13: Crypto, what if it's true? What if you are... The One?
Crypto: Well, I did take a red pill this morning.

Crypto: Pox we got a problem. Bongwater must be drinking his own revelade because the Freak says he's planning to fumigate Bay City with giant blimps.
Orthopox-13: Great galaxies! That's so moronic it might just actually work.

[Crypto is dillusional because Ponsonby has poisoned him ]
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Now, tell me all the good things you remember about you mother.
Crypto: Mommy? No, not the hot iron treatment again! I'll be good, I promise.

[during the Kojira Kaiju battle]
Orthopox-13: Crypto, let that creature have it with everything you got!
Crypto: Arkvoodle-dammit! What's the deal here Pox? The more stuff that thing knocks down, the more it regenerates!
Orthopox-13: Well, it HAS to have a weak spot somewhere! Find it and hit it hard! You don't want to lose the big one in front of your little ninja groupies, do you?
Crypto: I don't give a damn about my little ninja groupies! I'm worried about getting my ass stomped!

Crypto: Hey, Pox, it just occurred to me. Who's running the country while I've been away? Hasn't anyone noticed the President missing?
Pox: Well, you never did spend much time at the oval office anyway, so I installed a limited mechanism to keep the humans alive while you were away.
Crypto: What kind of mechanism?
Pox: Oh, just a limited functional machine. It smiles, waves, occasionally spouts inspiring patriotic speeches about world peace and other such nonsense.
Crypto: Heh, guess the monkeys wouldn't know the difference.
Pox: Actually, your Approval Rating has tripled since I made the switch.

KGB Agent: [confronting Crypto] Greetings, comrade. Mother Russia sends her regards.
Crypto: You expect me to beg, human?
KGB Agent: No, little Furon, I expect you to die.
[pulls a gun on Crypto, who pulls his own gun on the agent]
Crypto: Mine's bigger.

Crypto: [as he battle Kojira Kaiju] Oh, sure! Giant lady-lizard grows a new femur anytime she destroys something! While Crypto has to go and drain vehicles like a sissy! Game designers... sheesh.

Crypto: Alright, hit me again with the part about Bongwater's blimps.
The Freak: What?
Crypto: Bongwater! He has blimps full of Revelade.
The Freak: He does? Far out!
Crypto: No, you're the one who said so! You just said he's gonna cover Bay City in Revelade gas!
The Freak: Oh. Really? I said that?
Crypto: Focus, Freak! Does he or doesn't he?
The Freak: Does who what?
Crypto: Does Bongwater have Revelade blimps preparing to attack Bay City?
The Freak: [alarmed] Bongwater has Revelade blimps preparing to attack Bay City?
Crypto: See, kids? This is why you shouldn't do drugs.

Crypto: Hey, Pox, do you ever notice? There seems to be a lot of crates lying around. Just random crates. I mean, what could they all be for? You can't tell me anybody needs this many crates just lying around. I guess if they were being used for something, then... then I could understand. So many crates...
Pox: I think they got the hint, Crypto.

[a disguised Crypto has warned the Cosmonauts that the Blisk plans to rob them of their vodka]
Cosmonaut 1: This... This is being outrage! Anything else can being endured, if we're having enough vodka!
Cosmonaut 2: Da! Without vodka, Russia would have been democracy 200 years ago!
Cosmonaut 1: This will not be standing! There is being no such thing as free lunch, Bliskeviks!
Crypto: Yeah! Give me vodka or give me death!
Cosmonaut 1: Da!
Crypto: Yeah! So what does this mean for the Bliskeviks?
Cosmonaut 2: Bad news for the Bliskeviks!
Crypto: That's the spirit! Now get out there, find the Blisk and kill them crabbies dead!
Cosmonaut 2: For vodka!

Crypto: Get this through your monkey brain, Milenkov: we own that planet, and there's not a damn thing you or your Russkie pals can do about it.
Milenkov: Such bluster, such overconfidence, yet still, you can't see the big picture. I wonder, would you feel so arrogant if you knew the full scope of our "fiendish master plan"?

Coyote Bongwater: [to Crypto] Join us! We are about to free the people of this city. Soon they'll see the truth and embrace our beautiful utopia, the Bay City super-organic, communal, collective and organic compost farm! Are you with us, man?
Crypto: Am I with you? Dude, you're bogarting the brain-stems. I'm gonna have to kill you!
Coyote Bongwater: You're gonna kill me?

Crypto: Mornin', Ponsonby. You rang?
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Hmm?
Crypto: This better be good. I was this close to second base with Princess Margaret.
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: I appreciate your coming on such short notice, sir. This is of the greatest importance.
Crypto: Important to whom, me or you?
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: To both of us, I think.

Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: We know you have it! Tell us what it is! Tell us, or it's the Ludwig treatment for you! Eyelids peeled back, excruciating torture, endless hours of Ludwig Van!
Crypto: [drugged] Uncle Orthopox, he said I'm not supposed to talk to strange lifeforms.
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Good. Calibration complete. Now then, get some rest, Cryptosporidium. We can continue in the morning.

Shama Llama: [to Crypto] I'm sorry, do I know you?
Crypto: Shama, it's me! You know, your benevolent yet sociopathic alien overlord!
Shama Llama: Oh, yes, the small green toddler. I forget your name. Do you have an appointment?
Crypto: I need an appointment to speak to an indigent hippie from Bay City with a crappy Indian accent. Not to mention whose ass, need I remind you, I literally dragged out of the gutter!
Shama Llama: And yet now it is I who am face of the Arkvoodle cult. Coincidence? I don't think so!
Crypto: Yeah, well, I just voided your contract. You're about to make the ultimate sacrifice!
Shama Llama: Arkvoodle will protect me!
Crypto: I wouldn't hold my breath.
[the battle with Shama begins]

British Policeman: Scotland Yard here. State your emergency.
Crypto: Is your fridge running?
British Policeman: So YOU'RE the bastard who shut off our electricity!

Cosmonaut: Secret Soviet Moonbase Solaris!
Crypto: Did ya hear about the phone that worked on the moon, despite the fact there's no air?
Cosmonaut: Shut upski!

Japanese Woman: Moshi moshi! Takoshima Defense Force!
Crypto: How many Takoshamise does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Japanese Woman: Silly prank caller, we use neon!

Milenkov: Hello, Cryptosporidium.
Crypto: Milenkov, sorry to rain on your Communist Party, but in case you haven't noticed, your little base looks like Keith Moon redecorated. You've lost.
Milenkov: Such bluster, such arrogance. You're beginning to sound like real American. Soon you'll be wearing cowboy hat and speaking in monosyllables.
Crypto: Says you!

Crypto: Ponsonby was right about one thing: everybody cracks.

Crypto: [about Kojira] Look, Pox, explain this monster to me. The Ivans can't even make a decent wristwatch. How the hell did they come up with the technology to turn a summer intern into that?
Orthopox-13: I've been trying to figure that one out myself, and I keep coming to the same conclusion. They did it.
Crypto: What are you suggesting?
Orthopox-13: I'm not sure, but there's more than good, old-fashioned, Russian can-do spirit working.
Crypto: You're telling me. Those people have all the initiative of a normal convention.

Crypto: Milly, I'm gonna probe you so hard, you're gonna be wearing diapers for a month.
Milenkov: I already take a weekly high colonic, but thank you for the offer. On the other hand, I wonder, would you be so bold if you knew our "devilish master plan"?

Orthopox-13: Don't do anything rash.
Crypto: Rash? Me? Nah, I got a cream for that; cleared it right up!

Crypto: [encountering the Blisk for the first time] Hold the phone, what do these freaks want?
Orthopox-13: Wait a minute... Now that I think of it, that machinery looks suspiciously familiar... Oh my... HOLY HOOKERS OF ARKVOODLE! Crypto! Do you know who these "freaks" are?
Crypto: They're not Commie cabbage-heads?
Orthopox-13: Great galaxies, no! They're not even human! They're the enemy - OUR enemy! The enemy we Furons defeated in the Martian War! Crypto... THEY'RE BLISK!
Crypto: Blisk? Wait a minute, I thought we wiped the Blisk out!
Orthopox-13: I have no explanation! I can barely believe my sensors! But a few of them must have somehow survived!
Crypto: Not for long. Attention, Blisk: I am Cryptosporidium of the planet Furon! This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire! And your asses belong to ME!

Crypto: I bet I could tell you that I'm an alien from the Planet Furon, here to harvest your brain stems, and you wouldn't even care...
British Hippie: Cool! Do it! At least that will take care of my headache.

Crypto: Okay, what about the cosmonauts?
Pox: Well, they're just humans, of course, albeit the cream of Soviet citizenry. They think their leaders here represent some sort of shadowy Kremlin cabal. Of course, the Blisk have been playing them like puppets - not that they realize it. They're so proud! If they knew how the Blisk were using them, they'd be furious!
Crypto: Sounds to me like we need to send the cosmonauts a little wake-up call.
Pox: Hmm. Not a bad idea. A crowd seems to be assembling in the cosmonaut base. Why don't you check it out? I think it's time the puppets met their masters, hmm?
Crypto: Okay, I got it: turn the cosmonauts against the Blisk! This is gonna be fun!

Crypto: Hey, HoloPoxy, long time no see! Where ya been? Oh, that's right.
Pox: Listen, Crypto, I haven't time for your jive talkin'. We've business to tend to!
Crypto: Bark all you want, Poxy, you don't have a mothership. Hell, you don't even have a hand to slap me with.
Pox: Don't cross me, Crypto! I'm still your superior officer. And, I have friends in high places.
Crypto: If you have so many friends in high places, how come they ain't sent us another mothership yet?
Pox: That ship we'll be here very soon! And I can't talk bunk!
Crypto: Ha! If I don't make you another clone body, you're not getting *any* bunk, so there!

Crypto: [Crypto meets Pox after escaping from Ponsonby's custody] Pox, man, I have never been so glad to see you! Actually, I've never been glad to see you, but I am now.
Pox: Serves you right for trusting a human. What in the musky name of Arkvoodle happened down there?
Crypto: Well, I, uh, I ran into a little static with Ponsonby. Nothing major, a little wham, bam, thank you ma'am, and he was history and I was outta there.
Pox: Is that so? Then why didn't I hear you shooting back at him?
Crypto: Moronic monkeys, probably took the rifle apart to wipe their monkey butts with.
Pox: Or study it. Looks like they tried cracking it open with brute force, and succeeded only in breaking it. Well, have no fear; this, I can fix.


Destroy All Humans! (2005) (VG)
Silhouette: Fool... do you think America is the only civilization on this planet?
Cryptosporidium: Well, all the Americans seem to think so. At least, the ones I scanned.

Cryptosporidium: [referring to the Majestic and the army] If any of those monkeys lay one hairy finger on me, I'll rip 'em a new asshole!

[in reference to a cow]
Cryptosporidium: But they're covered with nipples!

[Crypto is attempting to communicate with a cow]
Cryptosporidium: [to himself] They eat with their mouths? Ugh! I think I'm going to be violently ill!
[he then speaks to the cow]
Cryptosporidium: Attention, Earth creature. This planet is now part of the Furon Empire. Your benevolent masters welcome you.
Cow: Moooooooooooo.
Cryptosporidium: At this time, we wish to abduct you for the purpose of scientific research. The procedure will be protracted and invasive. Do you have any objections?
Cow: MOOOOOOOOOOO.
Cryptosporidium: Earth creature, I am addressing you! Respond or be vaporized!
[cow unloads its bowels]
Cryptosporidium: I don't care how many stomachs you have, I don't have time for this!

Cryptosporidium: Attention, humans: I am Cryptosporidium of the planet Furon. This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire...
[steps on Silhouette's face]
Cryptosporidium: Resist THIS.

Silhouette: Credit is where credit's due, you defeated my beautiful Robo-Prez and I bet right now you're fantasizing about "destroying all the humans". Typical. Sure, you handled the boys: Armquist, Huffman... Ooh, that was a challenge.
[laughs]
Silhouette: But everybody knows which sex dominates *this* planet, and there's plenty of time to get your asses handed to you. That is, if you're not afraid to fight a girl.
Cryptosporidium: No, no, I'm not hung up on the whole pudenda thing.
Silhouette: So come on, Crypto. Let's dance. I'll even let you lead. I'm at the Octagon; don't keep me waiting.

Cryptosporidium: [to Orthopox] You're a smart cookie. But there's a time for thought and a time for action! And this is one of those times!
Orthopox: Which?
Cryptosporidium: The second one!

Cryptosporidium: [to Orthopox] What's shakin', Pox? You look a little... what's the word... constipated.

Cryptosporidium: Don't get mad, get sadistic.

[if a mission is failed]
Orthopox: Crypto!
Cryptosporidium: [agitated] What?

[Silhouette is revealed to be a female]
Cryptosporidium: You're a *chick*?
Silhouette: I'm a patriot. If you had to put up with politicians playing grab-ass all day long, you'd wear a mask, too.
Cryptosporidium: Me, I get my kicks the old-fashioned way: beatin' up bad monkeys.
Silhouette: Funny. That's what Crypto-136 said. Of course, he was "a real cut-up", too.

Orthopox: This human "Whither" says the President will appear before his subjects today. This "President" must be more integral to their social society than I expected. I have noticed a significant increase of activity surrounding the White House.
Cryptosporidium: Right, just tell me where he is and what he looks like.
Orthopox: I... er... the mothership's tracking system is broken. I think he uses those convoys of long black vehicles for transit.
Cryptosporidium: You think?
Orthopox: I can't exactly pinpoint the President from orbit, Crypto. It's not as if he walks around with a big red arrow over his head. I need you follow those vehicles so we can identify him!

Cryptosporidium: [disguised] Aren't you jumping the gun here Armquist? That fire could have been started by rowdy teenagers. I did as much or worse in my day.
Head of the Marines: He's right General. Kids these days lack discipline, but they're not Communists. I think you're making too big a deal out of this.

Cryptosporidium: So, waving the white flag, huh? All the monkeys got together, scratched their heads, accepted the inevitable?
Silhouette: That sense of humor, just like your...
Cryptosporidium: Like my what?
Silhouette: Er, file. Your dossier, Crypto; Said you were quite the joker.
Cryptosporidium: I think I never told you my name.
Silhouette: No, I suppose I have your brother to thank for that.

Cryptosporidium: Man, I love the smell of presidential brains in the morning.
Orthopox: Just shut up and remember who set that presidential foetus of destruction upon you!
Cryptosporidium: Riiight...
Orthopox: You know who I mean.
Cryptosporidium: Oh, that Silhouette guy, right? Or chick?
Orthopox: Would you do me a favor and NOT creep me out?
Cryptosporidium: Sure.

Cryptosporidium: A Cryptosporidium captured by a bunch of monkeys! We gotta go in, we gotta crack some craniums. I've gotta rescue me - him - he's gotta rescue me - I mean we gotta - I gotta - brains, man - WHEN DO I GET TO BLOW THINGS UP?

Silhouette: You're probably watching... gloating.
Cryptosporidium: Pretty much.
Orthopox: It seems only fair.

Suburban Crazy: Pardon my impertinence but uh, are you an alien?
Cryptosporidium: How'd ya guess?
Suburban Crazy: Oh my prayers have been answered! On behalf of all the nations of the Earth let me welcome you, brother from another planet!
Cryptosporidium: Thanks, it means a lot to me.
Orthopox: Enough chit chat! Where is Bert Whither,crackpot human?
Suburban Crazy: You want Bert Whither? I'll take you to him.
Cryptosporidium: Perfect.

Farmer's Wife: [seeing Crypto] Aaagh! Little green space men!
Cryptosporidium: I am not green.

Worker 1: L-L-Little green men!
Cryptosporidium: Not again! Colorblind morons.
[he aims his disintegrator ray gun at the worker]
Cryptosporidium: Die, pea-brain!
[but the gun doesn't work]
Cryptosporidium: Hey, where's the... What did you do with my clip, monkey boy?
Worker 1: Phew!
Cryptosporidium: So much for wholesale carnage. I guess I'll just have to settle for ripping your limbs off one by one with my bare hands, until I find it. With my bare hands!
Worker 1: AAAAAAAAAAGH!

General Armquist: So you didn't want to destroy us?
Cryptosporidium: No, we were as scared as you. Deep in our hearts I think we wanted to be just like you.
General Armquist: I guess... at the end of the day we really are just... human beings.
Cryptosporidium: Psyche!
[he shoots Armquist]

Orthopox: Now that their President is dead, the human senators are voting for a new President and the vote is agonisingly close!
Cryptosporidium: Doesn't the Vice President automatically become President?
Orthopox: Just shut up and kill those senators before they get to the Capitol!

Orthopox: Oh no, they're at the main gate again!
Cryptosporidium: What's the good news?
Orthopox: Er... this time they're more heavily armed?
Cryptosporidium: Oh goody...

Orthopox: [to Crypto] Shall I tell you a secret? Few of our people know this, but the DNA patterns in our cloning banks are becomming more and more degraded with each new clone.
Cryptosporidium: That's bad, right?
Orthopox: Only if we want to attain our immortality through cloning. OF COURSE IT'S BAD!

Orthopox: Now, Crypto, to ensure this invasion runs smoothly it is imperative we identify the dominant life forms on this world. Those lactating bovoids are likely candidates.
Cryptosporidium: Surely you don't mean those foul-smelling gasbags beyond the fence?
Orthopox: Yes, I'm afraid I do.
Cryptosporidium: But they're covered in nipples!

Cryptosporidium: Snack time!

Cryptosporidium: It's probin' time!

Cryptosporidium: Silhouette, I presume. You don't look like a general.
Silhouette: You don't look like a little green man.
Cryptosporidium: *Thank* you.

Orthopox: Alright Crypto. I've analyzed the data that you've collected, and I've found the perfect candidate for you to...
Cryptosporidium: Probe and vaporize?
Orthopox: No, abduct and bring back to the mothership.
Cryptosporidium: My way's more fun.
Orthopox: Abduct. Not vaporize.
Cryptosporidium: Okay, but humanity ain't gonna annihilate itself, all I'm saying.
Orthopox: Can I finish?
Cryptosporidium: Can I stop you?

Orthopox: I've sent Crypto-136 in search of a planet we visited many eons ago. A planet seeded with Furon DNA. But I lost contact.
Cryptosporidium: Let me get this straight: you sent me... er, him... Crypto-136 to a "hostile planet", and he's disappeared. Maybe captured. Maybe even being tortured as we speak.
Orthopox: Well, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.
Cryptosporidium: I bet you wouldn't.

[Crypto has defeated Silhouette]
Silhouette: [weakly] You BEAT me... I can't... believe... you actually... BEAT me!
Cryptosporidium: They never do. You know, you don't look so hot.
Silhouette: Majestic will... never give up... the struggle... to RESIST... YOU... ALIEN... FREAKS!
Cryptosporidium: Struggle's over, babe. Furons: one; humans: zipperooni.

Orthopox: [Crypto has bent all of the television antennae] Cross your pods. Here we go. Beginning transmission...
[the antennae start to shake]
Orthopox: Furon signal downlink successful! Oh, this is smashing! All right, I'm increasing the power...
[the antennae now shake very fast and more violently]
Orthopox: Wait! Crypto! The signal is too strong! Humans are weak! Their minds can't take that kind of amplitude! Quickly, Crypto, you've got to bend the antennae before they...
[suddenly, the humans' heads all explode]
Orthopox: Oh, that has to hurt. Eww. Disgusting!
[the humans' heads continue to explode]
Orthopox: Crypto? Crypto! Where did you go?
Cryptosporidium: [running down a street as the screen goes black] Snack time!

Cryptosporidium: [discovering that the crashed UFO is gone] The monkeys must've hitched the ship up to their donkeys and dragged it back to their mud village so they could worship it as a god.


Destroy All Humans: Path of the Furon (2008) (VG)
Orthopox: [on a holiday ad] Welcome to the Fourth Ring of Furon. Science, industry and leisure amongst the stars with a Furon twist. It is a vacationer's paradise for fun in the simulated sun. Ogle at the wild weird ways of Earth monkeys in our human habitat, enjoy our unique games and diversion, then gaze upon the blinding unapproachable splendor of the Emperor's Summer Palace.
Cryptosporidium: Unapproachable splendor of the Emperor's summer palace? You sound like the cruise director on Love Boat.
Orthopox: Well I have a bit of history here. Giving tours was one of my duties.
Cryptosporidium: What was the other?
Orthopox: That's... classified. And nothing you say can make me tell you.

Saxon: So old man... this is the end. With the help of my new friends, my White Dragon Kung Fu Society will roll over the Earth, starting with your beloved Shen Looooong...
Cryptosporidium: [bursting in] No!
Saxon: Stay out of this slug!
The Master: Yes, this is between the pupil and his master.
Cryptosporidium: [the Master is wounded by Saxon]
[in slow motion]
Cryptosporidium: Nooo!
The Master: If you strike me down Saxon, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imag...
[he is hit]
The Master: GUURK! You son of a...
Saxon: Hahahaha!
Cryptosporidium: Why Master?
The Master: This is the way of things. The flower must die for the fruit to live.
Cryptosporidium: Who are you calling a fruit, old man?
The Master: Crypto, the full power of the fist is already in you. When you truly need to use it, you will know how.
[hands him a medallion]
The Master: Keep this with you always. You are the son... I never had... mostly because I lacked the necessary genita...
Cryptosporidium: Noooo!

Cryptosporidium: [saucer phone rings] What? I told you not to give out this number!
Orthopox: Crypto... it's him!
Emperor Meningitis: What? Who's there? I already told you I don't like cookies! Pox! What have you done with your body? Why are you here?
Orthopox: Er, well uh... most high Emperor Meningitis, we were sort of tooling around the neighbourhood and thought we'd drop by.
Emperor Meningitis: And and... what's that with you? Oh, your little house boy... Klepto.
Cryptosporidium: Crypto!
Emperor Meningitis: Whatever! What are you doing away from your post puppet? Why aren't you out collecting Furon DNA?
Cryptosporidium: Why aren't you sucking my blaster Methuselah?
Orthopox: Don't make him angry!
Emperor Meningitis: Sucking your blaster? What is that, some kind of innuendo?

Cryptosporidium: Enough chit-chat! I want payback jerkwad!
Emperor Meningitis: Jerkwad?

Cryptosporidium: You're a crook Meningitis.
Emperor Meningitis: I am not a crook! Besides, I'm Emperor, if I do it, it's not illegal.

Cryptosporidium: So Pox, I've been waiting on the generic shield tutorial. When are you gonna hit me with some random damage so we can watch my shield bar recharge?
Orthopox: Please Crypto, I've long since abandoned such childish behaviour.
Cryptosporidium: Well that's a change. It's not like you to skip any any oppurtunity to smack me around.
Orthopox: You're right.
[hits him]
Orthopox: There! Now do you feel better?

Murray: You ain't getting crap outta me!
Cryptosporidium: Murray, Murra, I have so many ways to get crap out of you you wouldn't believe... but this is new shag. Why don't you spill your guts before I do?

Orthopox: As it happens, I have just finished upgrading your Jetpack.
Cryptosporidium: Does it make far out sounds like in the cartoons on TV?
Orthopox: No, I omitted silly sounds in favour of performance upgrades. Your new Jetpack has more manoeuvrability and greater thrust than ever before.
Cryptosporidium: I like the silly sounds.

Veronica Stone: [on tv] Bigfoot... the Loch Ness Monster... alien invaders... do they exist? I'm Veronica Stone, and forty-two of the next sixty minutes, we'll be "in search of aliens".
Cryptosporidium: Bigfoot, what a crock. These humans'll believe anything.

Cryptosporidium: You know Poxy old pa sometimes you can be a real bummer.
Orthopox: Oh? I wonder if that has anything to do with me not having a body!
Cryptosporidium: Boo hoo, I'm a hologram! That crap was sad for the first five years or so but now it's starting to get on my nerves.
Orthopox: I suppose that explains your lackluster productivity of late. I think you're going native! I warn you Crypto, you have become too invested in your life among these humans.
Cryptosporidium: What invested? I'm just runnin' a little business on the side.
Orthopox: Oh I'm sure our lord and master Emperor Meningitis, the supreme ruler of the Furon Empire, will understand you setting aside your duty to collect Furon DNA from human brain stems!
Cryptosporidium: How about I cut you in for 5%?
Orthopox: Done.