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: It appears to be a group of fellas.
: Look, it's a school of whales. Ringo
: They look a little bit old for school. Paul
: University then. Ringo
: University of "Wales". John
: They look like drop outs to me.
: Break the glass. George
: We can't! Paul
: It's Beatle proof. John
: Nothing is Beatle proof!
: It's blue glass. Ringo
: Must be from Kentucky.
] Nothing you can make that can't be made. No one you can save that can't be saved. Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time. It's easy. All You Need is Love. All You Need is Love. All You Need is Love, love. Love is all you need.
[Jeremy is writing with his foot
: The footnotes for my nineteenth book. This is my standard procedure for doing it. And while I compose it, I'm also reviewing it! George
: A boob for all seasons. Paul
: How can he lose? John
: Were your notices good? Jeremy
: It's my policy never to read my reviews.
: Hello, there, blue people! Won't you join us? Hook up, and otherwise co-mingle? What do you say? Chief Meanie
: Max. Max
: Yes, your Blueness er, your newness? Chief Meanie
: It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go? Max
: Argentina? John
: Are you with us? Will you join? Chief Meanie
: Shall we? Max
] No! Chief Meanie
] Aargh! Max
] N-n-y-y-y-y-Yes, your Newness! Chief Meanie
: Yes, Max! Jeremy
: Yes! Ah, yes is a word with a glorious ring! A true universal utopious thing! Engenders embracing and chasing of blues, the very best word for the whole world to use! Chief Meanie
: Yes, let us mix, Max. I've never admitted it before, but my cousin is the blue bird of happiness!
: Move over, I'm driving. George
: No, I got here first. Ringo
: We'll drive if you like. George
: No, you sit in the middle. John
: No, I'm sitting in the middle. George
: Who said you were driving? Ringo
: I am driving. George
: I'll get in the back, then.
[they drive off camera
[opening a door to find King Kong abducting a woman
: Do you think we're interrupting something? John
: I think so.
: Well, lads, what do you think? George
: I think that... Old Fred
: Remember, there'll be rough seas ahead! What do you think? Paul
: Well, um... Old Fred
: Pounding overwhelming waves! What do you think of that, eh? John
: Well, I think that... Ringo
: As a matter of fact, I think that... George
: I think... Old Fred
: Well? George
: I've forgotten.
: Do you ever get the feeling? John
: Yeah. Paul
: That things aren't as rosy as they appear to be under the surface?
: Well, in my humble opinion, we've become involved in Einstein's time space continuum theory. George
: Oh, right. John
: Relatively speaking, that is.
: Maybe time's gone on strike. Ringo
: What for? George
: Shorter hours. Ringo
: I don't blame it. Must be very tiring being time, mustn't it? George
: Why? Ringo
: Well, it's a twenty four hour day, isn't it? John
: You surprise me, Ringo. Ringo
: Why? John
: Dealing in abstracts.
: It's time for time!
[after Ringo ejects himself from the submarine
: Poor Ringo. George
: Poor lad. Paul
: Never did no harm to no one. John
: Hey, lads, now that Ringo's gone, what do we do? Old Fred
: Learn to sing trios. Paul
: Naw, let's save the poor devil.
[being swallowed by the vacuum monster
: The motor's packing in! Old Fred
: By all the sea nymphettes! We're losing power! George
: We're being swallowed! Paul
: What should we do? John
: Serve tea? Paul
: Let's show him our motor. John
: Steady on! I mean, you don't want to be showing your motor to just anybody.
: Ok, men all aboard. Lets go somewhere. Ringo
: [Indicating Jeremy
] What about him? John
: He's happy enough going around in circles. Ringo
: Aw, poor little fellow. Paul
: I don't know. Ringo's just a sentamentalist. Ringo
: Aw, look at him. Can't he come with us?
[he goes over to Jeremy
: Hey, Mr Boob! You can come with us if you like. Jeremy
: You mean you'd take a nowhere man? Ringo
: Yeah, come on. We'll take you somewhere.
: Groovy! How do you start this thing? Old Fred
: It starts with a Blue Meanie attack. John
: Well, supposing there are no Blue Meanies in the neighbourhood? Old Fred
: Oh, er, well, then you, um, start looking for a switch. Ringo
: [Ringo pushes a button that starts playing the first few notes of the song "All Together Now"
] Perhaps this is it.
: Hey, Jeremy, what do you know about holes? Jeremy Hillary Boob, PhD.
: There are simply no holes in my education. Paul
: You mean you haven't composed a "hole" book?
: It's quite uncanny, your faces. Paul
: We're quite cute, really. Lord Mayor
: You could pass for the originals! John
: We are the originals.
: [seeing the Chief Meanie for the first time
] Hey, he reminds me of my old English teacher. John
: Look, if you must shout, shout quietly!
: Okay, instruments at the ready. John
: Okay, on the beat of one, a-two, a-three, a-four, a-five, a-six. Ringo
: Hey, can't you make it three? John
: Oh, all right, on the beat of three: A-one, a-two, a-three.
: If I could come in, here, I think the theory put forward by Einstein. Paul
] Einstein, Einstein, any any any old Einstein. John
: Could well be applied here. The people in the ball are obviously extensions of our own personalities, suspended, as it were, in time, frozen in space. George
: Uh, John. John
: According to the now-famous theory of relativity. George
: John. John
: Which, briefly explained. George
: John! John
: Is simply a matter of taking two eggs. George
: John! John
: Beating lightly, and adding a little salt and pepper to taste.
: As a matter of fact, there's a war on. John
: Then brothers in war, to the skirmish must we hence! Shall we hence? Paul
: Oh, let's not waste any more time sitting on the hence! Beatles to battle! Charge!
: All together, now!
: Hey! There's a Cyclops! Paul
: Can't be. It's got two eyes. John
: Must be a "bicycle-ops" then. Ringo
: There's another one. John
: A whole "'cyclopedia"!
: Yes, dey do look very nice, don't dey? Ringo
: Yes, dey do. John
: Dey do dough, don't dey? George
: Yes, dey do. Ringo
: Don't dey, dough? George
: Fa-la. Dat dough!
: [in the Sea of Holes
] This place reminds me of Blackburn, Lancashire. Paul
] Oh, boy!
: George, what are you doing up there? George
: [driving in Ringo's car
] Now, what is it, Ringo? Is there a matter you'd like to take up or down? Ringo
: [indicating Fred
] This chap, here. Old Fred
: [crazy gibberish
] Submarines! Explosions! Ringo
, Old Fred
: Blue Meanies! George
: Aww, you're nuts, the pair of you.
: Hey, that's my car, lad. George
: How do you know it's your car, lad? Ringo
: I know it anywhere. Red with yellow wheels.
[the car changes colors
: I mean blue with orange wheels.
[the car changes colors again
: It's all in the mind.
: [they're hiding from the Meanies in the gazebo
] Do you think they heard us? John
: I hope not. Paul
: Shhh! George
: What did you say? Paul
: Shhh! George
: Good plan.
: I am the ego man, goo goo g'joob
: Hey, he looks wrong. Paul
: He doesn't look at all well. George
: In fact, he's horrible. John
: He's so ugly. All
: Really ugly!
: [George tries to fix the sub's motor, receiving a huge electric shock instead
] What do you think? George
: I think I burnt me finger.
: [as Jeremy disables the Chief Blue Meenie with flowers
] First time I saw that Nowhere Man, that Nobody, "I" knew he was Somebody. John
: You're right.
: [Frankenstein's monster has turned into John Lennon
] Hey, Ringo, I've just had the strangest dream. Ringo
: I warned you not to eat on an empty stomach. Now listen to Old Fred. Old Fred
: [speaking gibberish
] Submarine! Explosions! Blue Meanies!
] Old Fred
: What do you think? John
: [to Ringo
] I think he needs a rehearsal.
[the Beatles have finally arrived in Pepperland
: Pepperland! George
: Looks a bit salty around the edges.
: Not a Meanie in sight. John
: Not even a teeny Meanie. Paul
: Not even a teeny weeny Meanie. Ringo
[the Beatles just saw duplicates of themselves in a second yellow submarine
: Maybe we're both part of a vast yellow submarine fleet. Ringo
: There's only two of us. John
: Well, then, I would suggest that yonder yellow submarine is none other than ourselves... Old Fred
: Going backwards. John
: In time.
[as the sub travels through the Sea of Time, the Beatles and Old Fred turn smaller and younger because the time is traveling backwards
: [as they reduce in size
] Hey, look, everything's getting bigger! John
: It's not. It's us that are getting smaller.
[seeing John looking through a telescope, concerned
: What's the matter, John Love? Blue Meanies. John Lennon
: Newer and bluer Meanies have been sighted in the vicinity of this theatre. There's only one way we can go out! George
: How's that? John Lennon
: That's not your grandfather! Paul
: It is, you know. George
: But I've seen your grandfather! He lives in your house! Paul
: Oh, that's my other grandfather, but he's my grandfather, as well. John
: How do you reckon that one out? Paul
: Well, everyone's entitled to two, aren't they?
: Hullo. John
: He can talk then, can he? Paul
: 'Course he can talk. He's a human being, isn't he? Ringo
: Well if he's your grandfather, who knows! Ha ha ha!
[the boys are listening to the radio
] Man on Train
: And we'll have that thing off as well, thank you. Ringo
: But... Man on Train
: An elementary knowledge of the Railway Acts would tell you that I'm perfectly within my rights. Paul
: Yeah, but we want to hear it, and there's more of us than you. We're a community, like, a majority vote. Up the workers and all that stuff! Man on Train
: Then I suggest you take that damned thing to the corridor or some other part of the train where you obviously belong. John
: [Leaning over to the man
] Give us a kiss.
: The place is surging with girls. John
: Please, sir, sir, can I have one to surge me, sir, please, sir? Norm
: No, you can't!
[Huge stacks of fan mail is delivered
: None for me, then? Norm
: Sorry. John
: [handing Ringo one letter
] Here, this'll keep you busy.
[Ringo gets a large pile of fan mail
: Must have cost you a fortune in stamps, Ringo. George
: He comes from a large family.
: [referring to half-dressed room service waiter hiding in the wardrobe
] Any of you lot put a man in the cupboard? George
: Nah! Paul
: Don't be soft! Ringo
: Well, someone did. George
: [George gets up, walks over, looks in the cupboard, then sits back down
: He's right, you know John
: There you go.
: How did you find America? John
: Turned left at Greenland.
: [as TV Director walks away with PA
] There he goes. Look at him. Bet his wife doesn't know about her. John
: If he's got one. Look at his sweater. Paul
: You never know, she might have knitted it. John
: She knitted him.
[the Beatles are late for a rehersal
] T.V. Floor Manager
: They'll be here. T.V. Director
: Yes, well, if they aren't on this stage in precisely thirty seconds there'll be trouble? Do you hear me? Trouble.
[exactly three seconds after he stops speaking, the Beatles calmly amble on stage
: [to director
] Standin' around, hey? Some people have it dead easy.
: Ringo, what are you up to? Ringo
: [Ringo is sitting under a hairdryer wearing a beefeater's bearskin hat and reading a magazine
] Page five! John
: You always fancied yourself as a guardsman, didn't you?
: We know how to behave! We've had lessons.
: Control yourself. You'll spurt.
: Hey, look at the talent. Let's give them a pull. Paul
: Should I? George
: Aye, but don't rush. None of your five-bar gate jumps and over sort of stuff. Paul
: What's that supposed to mean? George
: I don't know, I just thought it sounded distinguished-like. John
: George Harrison, the Scouse of distinction!
: Hey he's reading the Queen... that's an in joke, you know.
: [repeated line; to Norm
] You're a swine.
: I just have one thing to say to you, John Lennon. John
: What's that? Norm
: You're a swine.
: You should have gone west to America. You would have been a senior citizen of Boston. But you took a wrong turn, and what happened? You're a lonely old man from Liverpool. Grandfather
: But I'm clean. John
: Are you?
: [John is combing a fake beard in the mirror; girlish voice
] My name's Betty.
: We've broken out! Ah, the blessed freedom of it all! Have you got a nail file, these handcuffs are killin me! I was framed, I'm innocent, I don't want to go! Paul
: Sorry for disturbing you, girls! John
: I betchya can't guess what I was in for!
: [sees Paul's grandfather for the first time
] Hey! George
: [in unison
] Who's that little old man? Norm
: Well, who is he? Ringo
: He belongs to Paul.
: Now, look. If you think I'm unsuitable, let's have it out in the open. I can't stand these backstage politics. John
: Aren't you tending to black-and-white the situation somewhat? T.V. Director
: Well, quite honestly, I wasn't expecting a musical arranger to question my ability picture-wise. John
: [to the others
] I could listen to him for hours.
: And we're looking after him, are we? Grandfather
: I'll look after myself. Paul
: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. John
: He's got you worried, then? Paul
: Him? He's a villain, a real mixer. And he costs you a fortune in Breach of Promise cases.
: I don't snore. George
: You do, repeatedly. Ringo
: Do I snore, John? John
: Yeah, you're a window-rattler, son. Ringo
: That's just your opinion. Do I snore, Paul? Paul
: With a trombone hooter like yours, it would be unnatural if you didn't. Grandfather
: Now, Paulie... don't mock the afflicted. Paul
: Ah, come off it, it's only a joke! Grandfather
: Aye, it may be a joke to you, but it's his nose. He can't help having a hideous great hooter! And his poor little head, trembling under the weight of it!
: [cuts tailor's tape measure with scissors and in girly voice
] I now declare this bridge open!
[Paul, John and George come out of the studio, looking for Ringo
: Let's split up and look for him!
[Paul walks away, George and John follow him. Paul turns around
: We've become a limited company.
: Now look, I've had a marvelous idea. Just for once, let's all try to behave like ordinary, respectable citizens. Let's not cause any trouble, pull any strokes, or do anything I'm gonna be sorry for. Especially tomorrow at that television theater, because...
[looks at John, who is holding up a bottle to his nose
: Are you listening to me, Lennon? John
: You're a swine. Isn't he, George? George
: Yeah, a swine. Norm
: Now you've got about an hour, but don't leave the theater. Where are you going, John? John
: [with a dancing girl
] She's gonna show me her stamp collection. Paul
: [also with a girl
] So's mine. Norm
: John, I'm talking to you! This final run-through is important, understand? IMPORTANT!
[John snorts like a pig, then leaves
: I want a cup of tea! Norm
: Uh, Shake? Shake
: [reaching for a guitar
] Um... I've got to adjust the decibels on the imbalance, Norm. Norm
: Clever. George?
[George puts his fingers in his ears
: Ringo, look after him, will you? Ringo
: Ah, Norm! Norm
: Do I have to raise my voice? Ringo
: All right. Come on, Granddad.
: I'm a drummer, not a wet nurse, you know?
: I won an award. John
: A likely story. T.V. Director
: It's on the wall in my office.
: Come on, you lot! Get your pens out! George
: Why? Norm
: It's homework time for you load of college puddings. I want this lot answered TONIGHT! Ringo
] Aww... I want to go out. Norm
: Now, I'll brook no denial! John
: You couldn't get a pen in your foot, you swine. Norm
: Ooh! Chatter on, son. Chatter on! A touch of the writer's cramp will soon sort YOU out!
: It's my considered opinion that you're a bunch of sissies. John
: You're just jealous. Norm
: Leave him alone, Lennon... or I'll tell them all the truth about you. John
: You wouldn't. Norm
: Oh, I would, though.
: He's sex obsessed! The older generation's leading our nation in a state of galloping ruin!
: Yeah, where's the old mixer? Grandfather
: Here, Paulie. Paul
: I've got a few words to say to you, two-faced John McCartney. John
: Oh, leave him alone. He's back, isn't he? He can't help being old. Paul
: What's being old got to do with it? He's a trouble-maker and a mixer, that's good enough for me!
: Hey! Have you seen Paul's grandfather? John
: Of course. He's concealed about my person. Norm
: [rolls his eyes
] Now, he must have slipped off somewhere! Paul
: Have you lost him? Norm
: Don't exaggerate. Paul
: You've lost him! Shake
: Put it this way, Paulie: he's mislaid him.
: I thought I told you lot to stay here. When I say stay put, I mean stay put. John
: [drops to his knees
] Don't cane me, sir! I was led astray. Norm
: Shut up, John!
: Oh, wait a minute, don't tell me who you are. John
: No, I'm not. Millie
: Oh, you are. John
: I'm not. Millie
: Oh, you are, I know you are. John
: I'm not, no. Millie
: You look just like him. John
: Do I? You're the first one that's said that ever. Millie
: [motions to the mirror
] Yes, you do. Look. John
: No, my eyes are lighter. The nose. Millie
: Oh, your nose is very. John
: Is it? Millie
: I would have said so. John
: Oh, you know him better, though. Millie
: I do not! He's only a casual acquaintance. John
: That's what you say. Millie
: What have you heard? John
: [leans in, lowers his voice
] It's all over the place. Millie
: Is it? Is it really? John
: Mmm, but I wouldn't have it. I stuck up for you. Millie
: I knew I could rely on you. John
: Thanks. Millie
: [puts on her glasses
] You don't look like him at all.
[John walks away, pouting
: [to himself
] She looks more like him than I do.
: [to Grandpa as he sulks
] Don't worry son, we'll get you the best lawyer green stamps can buy. Paul
: Oh ho, it's a laugh a line with Lennon! Paul
: Anyway, it's your fault.
[points to Ringo
: Why me? George
: Why not you?
[pause, he looks around baggage holding, pats the dog next to him
: God, it's depressing in here, isn't it? Funny. They usually reckon dogs more than people in England. You'd expect something more palatial.
[turns back to Paul
: Let's do something then. Paul
: Like what?
[John takes out a pack of cards
: Okay. George
: [as the schoolgirls arrive to watch
] Cor, there's the girls. Ringo
: I'll deal 'em. John
: [Ringo separates the cards into two even piles and simply flicks through them
] Aye aye, the Liverpool Shuffle. Ringo
: [after montage of them playing with 'I Should Have Known Better' in background, Ringo has won
] Mine, all mine! John
: He's wearing his lucky rings.
: It's the Circle Club. Paul
: [reads aloud the invite
] "The management of the Circle Club takes pleasure in requesting the company of Mr. Richard Starkey - that's you - to their gaming rooms. Chemin de Fer, Baccarat, and Champagne buffet". Ringo
: They want me. John
: It's gotten around you're a big spender. Norm
: [snatches the card from Paul
] Well, you're not going. Ringo
: Aww! Grandfather
: [snatches the card from Norm
] Quite right. Invites to gambling dens full of easy money and fast women. Chicken sandwiches and carts full of caviar. Disgusting! Ringo
: That's mine!
: Gear costume. Actor
: Swap? John
[Ringo's hand is trapped in the sandwich dispenser
: Hey someone's got hold of me finger! John
: Are you trying to attract attention again?
: Stop dragging things down to your own level, it's immature son. Ringo
: I thought, Well I... I thought she was a sandwich, 'til she went spare on me hand.
[after a failed attempt to steal Ringo's ring
: Hey! You've been messing about with me in my kip! John
: Eh? Ringo
: No, I mean, you know, with a fishing rod. John
: I wouldn't touch it with a plastic one. What are you doing on the floor? Ringo
: I'm tired.
: [offering a bagful of gold
] Psst! Hey, Be-a-tle! You shall have fun, yes? John
: No thanks, I'm rhythm guitar and mouth organ.
: What was it that first attracted you to me? John
: Well, you're very polite, aren't you?
: [to Ringo whose arm is trapped inside a mail box
] What are you doing? Ringo
: Posting a letter.
: There's more here than meets the eye! George
: Ho ho. John
: Ho. George
: Ho ho. John
: Ho. George
: Ho ho ho John
: Ho ho! George
: Ho ho. John
: Huh ho.
[to an Indian man standing on his head
: Doesn't the blood rush to your head Sir?
[In the restaurant kitchen
: Doesn't the eastern flavor come rather expensive?
[Paul to belly dancer
: Doesn't the blood rush to your stomach?
: [finding a season ticket in his soup
] What's this? Ringo
: A season ticket. What do you think it is? John
: Oh. I like a lot of seasoning in me soup.
: There's somebody been in this soup.
: How do you feel?
[puts light bulb to Ringo's mouth like a microphone
: I used to use my hands. John
: [speaks into "microphone" in funny voice
] He used to use his hands.
: Voltage, Voltage! Up up. Up up Paul
: Up, up. John
: Up Ringo
: Are you sure I'm earthed? Algernon
: Oh no! Er, hold on, thank you.
: [referring to Ringo's finger
] Hey, there might be some insurance. John
: I wouldn't think of such a thing!
: Find out, eh?
: Get me the Home Office. He's wrecking my home!
: [George has just passed out from seeing the size of Ahme's hypodermic needle
] Now see what you've done with your filthy Eastern ways! Ahme
: No! It is Clang, the high priest, who is filthy in his Eastern ways. John
: How do we know you're not just as filthy, and sent by him to nick the ring by being filthy when you've lulled us with your filthy Eastern ways? Paul
: What filthy ways are these?
: So this is the famous ring? Ringo
: I'm in fear of me life, you know! Superintendent
: And these are the famous Beatles? John
: So this is the famous Scotland Yard, eh? Superintendent
: And how long do you think you'll last? John
: Can't say fairer than that. The Great Train Robbery, eh? How's that going?
[At Scotland Yard
: Hold on, it's them! Only me and Paul know we're here. George
: I know we're here.
[Hypnotism attempt over the phone from a public phone box
: Go to the window. John
: Hey! It's them!
[the Beatles block their ears
: Go to the window, Go to the window, Go to the window, Go to the window.
[Ringo is trapped in a cellar with a tiger
: Good lord, it's Rajah, the famous Bengal man-eater who escaped from London Zoo this morning. John
: Good Lord! So it famous is! Superintendent
: Oh, don't worry, he's absolutely harmless. All you have to do is sing Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" from the famous Ninth Symphony in D minor. John
: Of course! Why didn't you think of that you twit!
[In disguise at the airport. Newspapers have discovered their destination
: Okay, who let it out? John
: Nobody'll know! Paul
: We're not going there. John
: We just put it 'round we're going there. Paul
: We're not going there! John
: We just put it 'round we're going there! George
: Just so everybody'd think we were going there. Ringo
: I'd like to go there. John
: You wouldn't like it. Ringo
: Where are we going, then? John
: Never you mind.
[Paul tracking foot prints
: Easterner with greasy feet speak with fork tongue. John
: Does he? What's he say? Paul
: Passing this way, hot foot, many moons to temple. George
: Don't encourage him. You've got the part Paul! John
: Dare we ask how you know? Ringo
: How? Paul
: How? I saw these footprints and this guide book which points out places of local worship. John
: To the temple!
: Oh come on now lads, don't be windy, where's that famous pluck? John
: I haven't got any, have you George? George
: Did have. Paul
: I have had. Ringo
: I will have! Lead on!
: The Fire Brigade once got my head out of some railings. John
: Did you want them to? Ringo
: No, I used to leave it there when I wasn't using it for school. You can see a lot of the world from railings.
: Oh, why don't you chop it off, Ringo? Ringo
: Look John, I've had some great times with this finger.
: And how do you know I wouldn't miss it? Paul
: You're a rat underneath, aren't you?
: [to Ringo, holding a syringe
] This will make your finger shrink. Be brave. John
: Don't look. Ahme
: [into the camera
] Alas, if he were brave, this would not be necessary.
: Boys, are you buzzing? John
: No thanks, I've got the car! Cameo
: No no no. I'll have to play it back. You'll have to do it again!
[He plays the recording back so they can hear the buzzing sound
: Is that you? Paul
: No. George
: Well don't look at me.
[Ringo and his drums crash through the sawn-through floor to the room below
: That was you buzzing! You naughty boy!
: [in the Indian restaurant, referring to Ringo
] Excuse me, sirs, but if he is to be sacrificed before the dread Kaili, why is he not painted red? John
: That's a question I'll never be able to pluck up the courage to ask but as he's me best friend I will.
: [referring to a drill coming through a painting
] What's that? Austrian Waiter
: What's what? George
: That little whirly thing coming out of his stomach. Austrian Waiter
: I can't look!
[a hose comes through the whole the drill made
: It's only a hose.
[the waiter faints as the Beatles investigate the hose
: [listens into the hose then hands it to John
] It's for you. John
: Who is it? Paul
: The gardener.
[One of Clang's men is choking John
: Get off!
[George jumps in to help, but Clang's man falls aside. George ends up choking John
: It's me, you fool! George
: [Still choking John
] Oh, sorry! John
: Well, stop it!
[Stu has just been badly beaten
] John Lennon
: You alright, Stu? Stuart Sutcliffe
: How do I look? John Lennon
: Put it this way - you'll get better. I'll always be ugly.
: How can you be such an asshole? John Lennon
: We're gonna be big Stu, we're gonna be too big for Liverpool, we're gonna be too big for Hamburg, we're gonna be too big for our own bloody good.
: I had a word with Van Gogh last night. He said if he could do it all again he'd be down here shaking his bottom to "Blue Suede Shoes." I gave him your regards.
: Ahhh, Liverpool. John Lennon
: Home of... Stuart Sutcliffe
: ...Liverpudlians. John Lennon
: You know what it is I like about Liverpool, Mr. Sutcliffe? Stuart Sutcliffe
: No, what is it you like about Liverpool, Mr. Lennon? John Lennon
: I was hoping you'd tell me.
: I like the blonde but I prefer the brunette. John Lennon
: Blondes have more fun. Stuart Sutcliffe
: Says who? John Lennon
: Hello, Ladies and Genitals. We're the band. You'll be happy to know we keep our clothes on. On drums, Mr. Pete Best! On guitar, Mr. Paul McCartney. On bass, recently arrived from the dark side of the moon, Mr. Stuart Sutcliffe. And on guitar, Mr. George Harrison. He's only just on solid food. My name is Lennon, John Winston Lennon. My parents named me after Churchill, John Churchill, the wet fish man. They were thinking of naming me after my father, but Dad's such a stupid fuckin' name, don't you think?
: Green tea, anyone?
: I liked your show. You had fun. John Lennon
: Fun? You call that fun? Klaus Voormann
: What do you call it? John Lennon
: I call it three days and nights without sleep. I call it too long between drinks. I call it dying for a piss. I call it hard fuckin' day's night. Klaus Voormann
: Is he always like this? Stuart Sutcliffe
: No. You'd be surprised. He can be quite bitter and twisted.
: There goes Stuart Sutcliffe. He coulda been in The Beatles.
: Did ya shag her? Stuart Sutcliffe
: She's a photographer. John Lennon
: You'll never shag her.
: You can't do your solo spots any more, Stu. Stuart Sutcliffe
: Why not? John Lennon
: Because it's shite. Stuart Sutcliffe
: Give it to me straight. Let's not beat around the bush.
: You don't say much, do you? Pete Best
: Drummers don't talk. You must have noticed that. Just might as well be deaf and dumb, drummers. When was the last time you heard a drummer say anything?
[John looks at Pete, then turns away
] Pete Best
: See? You know why, don't you? I'll tell you why. 'Cause nobody ever fuckin' listens.
: Tell me something, John Lennon. When you are rich and famous, when you are number one, when your name is in lights and everybody wants to be your friend, when somebody asks you, "Do you remember Astrid in Hamburg?" what will you say? John Lennon
: I'll say she was the girl I always wanted. The girl of me dreams, like Brigitte Bardot with better manners. I might have fallen in love with her. But she fell in love with me best friend. And that was the end of that. Astrid
: I love him, John.
: I do. John Lennon
: Yeah. Don't we all?
[a scuffle breaks out on the floor of the Kaiser Keller while the Beatles are playing. One of the patrons pulls a switchblade. John jumps off the stage and confronts him
] John Lennon
: Listen, you! If you wanna fight someone, fight me! If you don't wanna fight, then listen to the fucking band. If you don't want to listen to the fucking band, fuck off and choke to death. Do you understand me? Do you get me meaning, mate? Pimp
: I can't fight you. You are wearing a dress.
[the Beatles are being deported from Germany after it is discovered that George is underage. The police are escorting them to the train
] John Lennon
: [to one of the police officers
] You wouldn't pull me leg. It really is the showers you're taking us to, isn't it, Mr. Goebels?
: She thinks I'm queer, Astrid. Stuart Sutcliffe
: Bollocks. John Lennon
: You heard her. She thinks I fancy you. Stuart Sutcliffe
: That's not what she said. What she said was she thinks we love one another. John Lennon
: And what did you say? Stuart Sutcliffe
: I might have grunted.
: There is little difference between the one who bows and the one who is bowed to. Paul McCartney
: Ooh, very "I am the Walrus."
: [offering Paul McCartney the chocolate, and quoting "Revolution 9"
] Take this, brother. May it serve you well.
: I knew it all along! John Lennon
: What? Paul McCartney
: You... pretendin' you didn't know me music. John Lennon
: Come on, Paul. You're the biggest bloody thing since The Beatles! Paul McCartney
: Oh, mmm... whatever became of them? John Lennon
: They all grew up and became lawyers.
: Where are we going, Johnny? John Lennon
: Straight to the top, boys! Paul McCartney
: Oh yeah? Where's that? John Lennon
: The toppermost of the poppermost!
: You're getting old, mate. Paul McCartney
: Speak for yourself, dad. I've still got me pretty face, you see? John Lennon
: That you have.
: I heard you let your recording contract run out. Somebody told me that you might never make another record. John Lennon
: It's no skin off my teeth. Paul McCartney
: Off your nose, you mean. John Lennon
: No, off me back. Paul McCartney
: You're not serious. John Lennon
: No skin off me back. Paul McCartney
: No, I mean about... John Lennon
: You thought it was off me nose. Paul McCartney
: Seriously, John. John Lennon
: Seriously, Paul. Paul McCartney
: What? John Lennon
: I gaurantee you, when he finally gets the nerve to come over here, it'll be, "My Connie adores you, and my Carla thinks you're fabulous." Paul McCartney
: My Heather likes you. John Lennon
: Her too, yeah. Paul McCartney
: No, I mean *my* Heather. She thinks you're all right. No accounting for taste, but she seems to have a bit of a crush on you. John Lennon
: What, Linda's girl? Paul McCartney
: Hey, she's my Heather too. I legally adopted her a long time ago. John Lennon
: How old is she now? Paul McCartney
: She's thirteen. Can you believe I've got a teenage daughter?
: Good afternoon, sir. You have a visitor. John Lennon
: Friend or foe? Concierge
: I believe he is an old friend, sir. He says he wishes to surprise you. John Lennon
: How do I know he is who he claims to be? Concierge
: I'll vouch for him, sir. He is a familiar face. John Lennon
: Check him for drugs and send him up.
[John hangs up
: Take Mr. McCartney up to see Mr. Lennon. Elevator Attendant
: It's an honor to meet you, sir. Paul McCartney
: Oh, thank you.
: [greeting Paul
] The ghost of Christmas past.
: So we're alone? John Lennon
: Yeah, you, me, and everything between us.
: You look very thin. John Lennon
: Mother's got us on the macrobiotic diet. Paul McCartney
: Mother? John Lennon
: Kind of an interesting aroma lingering. John Lennon
: Yah, yah, vat is that? Paul McCartney
: Vat is that? John Lennon
: Possibly eminating from your ass. Paul McCartney
: From your horse. Yah, fine-looking, beautiful creatures. John Lennon
: Tell me, are those genuine jackboots? Second Officer
: Looks like we've landed one with a real attitude. You fellows wouldn't be indulging in any illegal substances now, would you? John Lennon
: Oh, nein, nein. Paul McCartney
: Just enjoying some good music, yah, yah.
: Luckily for us, they were pretty harmless, those two. John Lennon
: Yeah right, just like the harmless cop who drove his harmless little car over me harmless mum. He was pretty harmless, wasn't he? They're all bastards. Paul McCartney
: Come on, John, you're living in the past. One cop in Liverpool twenty years ago's got nothing to do with those two just now. John Lennon
: Look, cops is cops, New York or Liverpool! Paul McCartney
: You're just exploiting them as scapegoats for all your repressed and pent-up anger. John Lennon
: Piss off. Paul McCartney
: You know I'm right.
: [John grabs Paul and kisses him. Paul pushes him away
] Get off! God... just cause Yoko's away doesn't mean you have to stop brushing your teeth. John Lennon
: You know you wanted it, you tart. Paul McCartney
: Is my name Brian?
: [Answering the Intercom System
] Help me, I'm trapped inside this little box.
: There's just no point hating someone you love.
: Why couldn't God make me Elvis? Julia
: 'Cause he was saving you for John Lennon!
: Why do you know so much?I mean you don't seem like the rock and roll kind of guy Paul McCartney
: What you mean because I don't go around smashing things up and
] Paul McCartney
: acting like a dick? John
: Yea Paul McCartney
: No.It's the music.That's it,just music.Simple
: [Paul strums Banjo softy
: What is this?Fucking group practice?I don't think so. Pete
: John it's your mum's! John
: She's fucking dead!
[headbutts pete and storms out
: [shakes fist humorously at the air
] Oh i'll get you back for that God!
: Is nowhere full of geniuses, sir? Because then I do probably belong there.
: Could you sign this please? Mimi
: Where do I sign? John
: Where it says 'Parent or Guardian.' Mimi
: But which am I? John
: Want a beer? Paul McCartney
: I'd love a tea.
: I find you an engaging and remarkable man, Brian. I've never met a man like you. I don't really want to have it off with you. Brian Epstein
] But you've never ruled it out? John Lennon
: Well, that would be putting you in an awful place, wouldn't it? Brian Epstein
: It has to be better than what I've been feeling lately. John Lennon
: If you don't fuck me, who will you fuck? It's a cold, cruel world out there, Brian. Everyone thinks we're off humpin' the weekend away. That really fuckin' pisses me off.
: The lads are probably having a big party without us. Brian Epstein
: You're not allowed to think about them. Doctor's orders. John Lennon
: Dr. B. Epstein, Certified Faith Healer and Proctologist. What a shitty job that must be. No pun intended.
: I was surprised you brought up what you brought up just now. Why is it so awkward when we talk about it? John Lennon
: Don't know. Brian Epstein
: It puts me in a very awkward position. You see, I get the feeling I'm supposed to bring it up and then I'm damned for doing so. John Lennon
: I enjoy hearing about your conquests - this lorry driver, that docker. Brian Epstein
: Yes, well, that's all very well, but it's when it comes closer to home - I just don't know what to say when that happens.
: You know what Jung would call you? Brian Epstein
: What's that? John Lennon
: One queer Jew.
[John is in the bath, playing the harmonica
] John Lennon
: Alright, Eppy? Brian Epstein
: Sounds like you're having fun. John Lennon
: Been waitin' for you to scrub me back.
: Sometimes I want a woman to push me like the wind. Sometimes I want a woman to eat my shit.
: [to John Lennon
] I'm sick of you being so dark when I'm so impish and whimsical! I'm sick of it! John Lennon
: Hey everyone! I've got a brand new mantra. Ommm Paul's a big fat cunt!
[Dewey meditating with the Maharishi and The Beatles
] The Maharishi
: Only through meditation can we begin to understand our role. Paul McCartney
: We're nothing but... grains of sand. Dewey Cox
: That was freakin' transcendental, Paul McCartney. Don't you agree, John Lennon? John Lennon
: Yes, Dewey Cox. With meditation there's no limit to what we can...
[glares at the camera
] John Lennon
: *imagine*. Dewey Cox
: What do you think, George Harrison of The Beatles? George Harrison
: I don't know. You know? I'm just trying to get more songs on the album. Ringo Starr
: And as Ringo Starr, I'm not so interested in meditation, I just like to have fun.
[holds up peace sign
] Dewey Cox
] I like the little one.
: [to Paul McCartney
] I wonder if your songs will still be shit "When I'm Sixty-four."
: [high on LSD with Dewey as a cartoon
] Just keep thinking happy thoughts, Dewey. I'd hate for this to turn into a bad trip. Dewey Cox
: [scary music plays
] Uh-oh! John Lennon
, Paul McCartney
: 'Uh-oh'? George Harrison
: What's that scary music? Dewey Cox
: I had an unhappy thought! George Harrison
: It's a bad trip. Paul McCartney
: Bad trip, bad trip! Dewey Cox
: [a machete walks up to him
] Help! Trippy machete!
[the machete cuts him in half
] Dewey Cox
: Aw, fuck me! I can see my large colon! Dewey Cox
: [wakes up frightened
] Ahh! I guess I do got some demons! George Harrison
: You alright Cox? Dewey Cox
] I don't know! Ringo Starr
: Do you want some more LSD? Dewey Cox
] Yeah, I think I do!
: But I have to say, I like your stuff. It's pretty good, and most of your records, I really enjoy. Paul McCartney
: Well, we're big fans of your records, too. We like to think that "Hard Day's Night" is our "Guilty As Charged". John Lennon
: [in a hard, Liverpool accent
] Great record! Paul McCartney
: Excellent album! We learned a lot from ya. John Lennon
: Great record. Theo
: Well, we're real big fans of y'alls! Dave
: Huge fans! You guys are almost as good as The Monkees. You guys are great.
: I just sit here while my guitar quietly wimpers. Paul McCartney
: Well you are the quiet one, so why don't you shut the fuck up? Ringo Starr
: I've got a song about an octopus. John Lennon
: Jam it up your ass. You're lucky we still let you play drums!
[Robo-Santa chases the reindeer away
: It's a miracle! John
: No, Ultrasuede is a miracle. This is just good timing.
: Homer, I won your respect, and all I had to do was save your life. Now, if every gay man could just do the same, you'd be set.
: Homer, look! It's a TV Guide owned by Jackie O! John
: You should see the crossword puzzle! She thought Mindy lived with "Mark." Homer
: Give her a break! Her husband was killed! John
: Oh, I know! Wasn't that awful? Hi, I'm John! Can I help you with anything? Marge
: Yes, I have something that I'd like to sell. John
: Please tell me it's your hair. Marge
: No, it's an heirloom my grandmother passed down to me. A very rare, old figurine from the Civil War. Lisa
: Please don't construe our ownership of this as an endorsement of slavery. John
: Hmm, well see, here's the thing on this. It's a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1970s, one of the J & R Liquor lads. Two books of green stamps, if I'm not mistaken. Marge
: Oh, no! Oh no! No, no, no, no! It's a very, very old figurine! John
: No, it's a liquor bottle. See?
[Unscrews the cap and pours himself a drink
: Ah, that'll make your bull run!
: [Signing an album for Mark David Chapman
] Is that all? Mark David Chapman
: [Stunned and shaky
] Yeah. Thanks. John Lennon
: You sure? That's all? Mark David Chapman
: Yes. That's all. Thanks John. John Lennon
: You're welcome.
[Turns and leaves
: You got a pen? Thanks.
] John Lennon
: Is that all you want? Mark David Chapman
: Yeah. Thanks. John Lennon
: You sure? That's all? Mark David Chapman
: Yeah, that's all. Thanks, John. John Lennon
: You're welcome. Mark David Chapman
: [inner monologue
] That was really him. He spoke to me! You know he wasn't real.
: In the land of China, people hardly got nothing at all. John Lennon
: No possessions? Forrest Gump
: And in China they never go to church. John Lennon
: No religion too? Dick Cavett
: Ah. Hard to imagine. John Lennon
: Well it's easy if you try, Dick.
: Ahhhh Hollywood, isn't it wonderful? I heard someone say once that behind the phony glittering tinsel of Hollywood, you can find the real tinsel of Hollywood.
: I've got a present for you, do you know what it is? Nichola
: No. John
: Have a guess. Nichola
: No. John
: Go on, have a guess. Nichola
: No. John
] Have a guess! Nichola
] No! John
: [stares at the camera
] Well, you're going to get it anyway.
[blows the balloon
: Do you want to blow it? Nichola