The Great Gonzo
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Quotes for
The Great Gonzo (Character)
from "The Muppet Show" (1976)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Muppets from Space (1999)
Gonzo: Rizzo, come here, my Cap'n Alphabet is sending me a message: R U There.
Rizzo: Are you sure it didn't say "you need help"?

Gonzo: People of Earth, do not be alarmed!
Miss Piggy: Oh brother.

Gonzo: I had that weird dream again.
Rizzo the Rat: You mean the one with the goat and the dwarf and the jar of peanut butter?

Gonzo: Hey, Rizzo, come here! I think my Kap'n Alphabet is sending me a message.
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah, I know what you mean. I had some guacamole last night, and it's still speaking to me.

Noah: What are you, anyway?
Gonzo: Oh, uh, good question. Now technically speaking, uhh, let's say, put me down as a... 'Whatever'?

Gonzo: Rizzo?
Rizzo: No, it's Santa, but I forgot my reindeer.

Kermit: You know what you are, Gonzo?
Gonzo: What?
Kermit: Distinct.

Gonzo: I'm an alien!
Rizzo: What, have you been tap-dancing on the barbecue again?

Gonzo: Remember, I built this new Jacuzzi for my alien family, so please, no eating in the spa.

Gonzo: Well, it's just that I'm sick and tired of being a one-of-a-kind freak, that's all.
Kermit: Gonzo, you are not a one-of-a-kind freak. You're a, uh... uh...
Gonzo: A whatever?
Kermit: Well... yeah.

Miss Piggy: What are you doing here?
Gonzo: I'm making contact. What are you doing?

Gonzo: Rizzo?
Rizzo: Gonzo?
Miss Piggy: Kermy?
Kermit: Piggy?
TV Producer: What is going on here?

Gonzo: Come on, fellas. Take me to my leader.

Agent Barker: We feel your pain, Gonzo.
Gonzo: They feel my pain!
Rizzo: I've got a paper-cut that's a doozy. You feel my pain, too?

Ed Singer: Forgive me my Earthly manners, but, uh, do you have any idea what it's like to be laughed at?
Gonzo: Yeah, sure I do.
Ed Singer: To be called names, like 'wacko.'
Gonzo: Uh-huh.
Ed Singer: And 'freak-boy.'
Gonzo: Oh, yeah.
Ed Singer: And 'paranoid delusional psychopath'?
Gonzo: Got me there.

Ed Singer: They are coming to Earth, aren't they?
Gonzo: I don't know.
Ed Singer: How many of them are there?
Gonzo: I don't know.
Ed Singer: When will they be here? And don't you *dare* tell me that you don't know.
Gonzo: I know not?

Ed Singer: I'm afraid we're going to have to perform an invasive quadrilobal brain probe on you and pluck it from your head.
Gonzo: The information?
Ed Singer: No, your brain.

[Gonzo appears on live TV]
Clifford: Hey, you better get down there, Kerm.
Kermit: Relax. No one is going anywhere, okay?
Gonzo: [on TV] You see, I was contacted through my breakfast cereal, and then it was confirmed to me by the Cosmic Fish that I am definitely from outer space.
Rizzo: So you want to go now, or wait for the commercial?
Kermit: Now.

Dr. Phil Van Neuter: Feeling a little nervous, are we?
Gonzo: Of *course* I'm nervous.
Dr. Van Neuter: Well, don't worry. Everyone is before having their brains sucked out.

Gonzo: Now we can go meet my alien brothers at Cape Doom.
Kermit: Uh, what makes you think that aliens are landing there, Gonzo?
Gonzo: Oh, a sandwich told me.

Ubergonzo: Gonzo, by surviving and thriving on this alien planet, you have proven yourself audacious, courageous, and distinctly one-of-a-kind. We welcome you back with our most ceremonious of ceremonies.
Gonzo: What's that?
Ubergonzo: We gonna blow you up, baby.

Kermit: So... you'll write?
Gonzo: Oh, yeah, sure I'll write. There's probably a mailbox every couple of light years.

Gonzo: Kermit, you're the best friend any alien could ask for.

Kermit: Oh, hey Gonzo! I thought you were performing at a bar mitzvah?
Gonzo: No, I got the Electric Mayhem to cover for me.
Dr.Teeth: Shalom!

Gonzo: What a great day.
Kermit: Mm-hmm.
Gonzo: That was probably the best day of my whole life. There's just one thing I still don't understand.
Kermit: What's that, Gonzo?
Gonzo: Why did they ask me to build a jacuzzi?
Rizzo, Pepe: [snickering]

Gonzo: [Gonzo wakes up from a bad dream and sits upright, accidentally sending a hammock-sleeping Rizzo flying out the window] I don't wanna be alone!
Rizzo the Rat: You're not alone.
Gonzo: Who said that?
Rizzo the Rat: Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's the rat who's hanging out of the window!

Gonzo: [as Rizzo is hanging out the window] Rizzo?
Rizzo the Rat: No, it's Santa. But I forgot my reindeer.

Gonzo: I had that weird dream again.
Rizzo the Rat: The one with the goat and the dwarf and the jar of peanut butter?


Muppet Treasure Island (1996)
Rizzo: What's wrong?
Gonzo: It just feels so weird.
Rizzo: You mean that Mr. Arrow's dead?
Gonzo: Yeah, that... and my pants are filled with starfish.
Rizzo: You and your hobbies.

Rizzo: Terrific. Captured by crazed wild pigs and sacrificed hideously before a pagan altar.
Gonzo: Are we lucky or what?

Gonzo: One leg, Jim, count'em, one.

Rizzo: He's some kind of a blind fiend.
Gonzo: I believe they prefer visually challenged fiend.

[Billy Bones has apparently died]
Rizzo: He died? And this is supposed to be a kids' movie!
Billy Bones: [Billy Bones suddenly wakes up and, without opening his eyes, grabs Gonzo's nose to pull him closer] Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim! You've always been a decent sort to old Billy Bones.
Gonzo: I'm not Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim.
[Nods at Jim]
Gonzo: *He's* Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim.
Billy Bones: [Billy Bones grabs Jim's shirt and pulls him closer] Jim?
Jim Hawkins: Yes, Captain?
Billy Bones: Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim!
Jim Hawkins: Yes, Captain, what is it?

Jim Hawkins: [sung] I look around here and I want to cry.
Rizzo: Ah, me too.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] I feel like the world is passing me by.
Gonzo: It is.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] And I just can't help but wonder am I doomed to wash and dry? And is it a curse I'm under to do it till I die.
Gonzo: Oh, I hope not.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] When I could be an explorer...
Gonzo: Sure you could.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] ... sailing off to distant lands...
Gonzo: Wait! Not so fast.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] ... 'stead of spending every afternoon just getting dishpan hands. My future looks like nowhere that I want to be.
Jim Hawkins, Rizzo, Gonzo: [sung] There's got to be something better, something better...
Jim Hawkins: [sung] There's got to be something better than this for me.

Captain Abraham Smollett: Where to, Captain Hawkins?
Jim Hawkins: To wherever the wind may take us!
Gonzo: Off to Zanzibar to meet the Zanzibarbarians!
Rizzo: Oh, brother! Here they go again!

Dr. David Livesey: [looking at the treasure map] Say, I know what's happening here. You chaps are planning to sail to this island, aren't you? To dig up this treasure.
Jim Hawkins: Yes, but we must be quiet about it.
[whisper]
Jim Hawkins: There are pirates looking for this map.
Gonzo: [normal voice] Yeah, and they want to KILL us for it! Isn't that exciting?

Gonzo: Look at this! I'm taller. This is so cool; I may even have a future with the NBA!
[laughs]

[Jim and Gonzo have been listing the different directions of the compass and what lies that way]
Mrs. Bluberidge: To the northwest dirty dishes!
Gonzo: How does she do that?
Jim Hawkins: Might as well start. I'll wash.
Rizzo: I'll dry.
Gonzo: I'll break.

Gonzo: I thought pirates had talking parrots as pets.
Long John Silver: Talking... parrots?
Polly Lobster: What an imagination. First pirates, now talking parrots, what's next - a singing, dancing mouse with his own amusement park?

Jim Hawkins: I hate my life.
Gonzo: I hate your life, too.
Rizzo: If I had a life, I'd hate it.

Jim Hawkins: Kill Captain Smollett, and you'll have to kill me.
Gonzo: Kill Jim, and you'll have to kill me.
Squire Trelawney: Kill Gonzo, and you'll have to kill me.
Rizzo: Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo, and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously.
[Silver turns to try to escape only to run into Benjamina and a gang of pigs]
Benjamina Gunn: Going somewhere, John-John?
Long John Silver: Well, Master Hawkins, it seems your little family has come together against me.

Gonzo: Off to Zanzibar, to meet the Zanzibarbarians!

Gonzo: We'd be out searching for that treasure. Sailing the seven seas on a five-year mission. Boldly going where no man has gone before! Say, that's catchy.

Gonzo: [singing] Every storm we ride is its own reward.
Rizzo: [singing] And people die by falling overboard.

Rizzo: [after Jim and Long John leave] Well, it looks like the human beings wanna hang out together. Don't wanna hang out with a rat and a... uh... um...
Gonzo: Whatever.
Rizzo: Yeah!

Gonzo: To the southeast, multi-armed Zanzibanian short women and their exploding wigs of death!

Gonzo: Rizzo! You lost all the bullets!
Rizzo: Well, you're losing the powder!


The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Gonzo: Hello! Welcome to the Muppet Christmas Carol! I am here to tell the story.
Rizzo the Rat: And I am here for the food.

Rizzo the Rat: Light the lamp, not the rat, light the lamp, not the rat! Put me out, put me out, put me out!
Gonzo: Oh! My apologies! Um...
[Suddenly spotting a barrel of water below the lamp post]
Gonzo: Rizzo!
Rizzo the Rat: What?
["Mr Dickens" pushes Rizzo so he falls into the water barrel]

[Gonzo and Rizzo are flying over London]
Gonzo: [Thrilled] Hello, London!
Rizzo the Rat: [Scared] Goodbye, lunch!

Rizzo the Rat: There are two things in this life I hate: heights, and jumping from them.
Gonzo: Too late now. Come on, I'll catch you.
Rizzo the Rat: God save my little broken body!
[Jumps and falls to the ground. He looks at Gonzo]
Gonzo: Missed.
Rizzo the Rat: Oh wait a second... I forgot my jellybeans. Um...
[Slides through the bars to retrieve them, and joins Gonzo back on the other side. Gonzo stares at him]
Rizzo the Rat: What?
Gonzo: You can fit through those bars?
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah...
Gonzo: You are such an idiot.

Sam the Eagle: Tomorrow, you become a man of business!
Young Scrooge: I'm looking forward to it, Headmaster.
Sam the Eagle: Mm, you will love business. It is the AMERICAN WAY!
Gonzo: [whispers] Sam...
[whispers in Sam's ear]
Sam the Eagle: Oh... It is the BRITISH WAY!
Young Scrooge: Yes, headmaster.

Rizzo the Rat: Rats don't understand these things.
Gonzo: You were never a lonely child?
Rizzo the Rat: I had twelve hundred and seventy four brothers and sisters.
Gonzo: Boy! Rats don't understand these things!

Gonzo: It was the afternoon of Christmas Eve and Scrooge was conscious of a thousand odors, each one connected with a thousand thoughts and hopes and joys and cares long, long forgotten.

Rizzo the Rat: [a nearby clock strikes the hour] Oh, what was that?
Gonzo: Two o'clock.
Rizzo the Rat: Is it too early for breakfast?
Gonzo: Yes.
Rizzo the Rat: Oh good, suppertime!

Rizzo the Rat: Boy, that's scary stuff! Should we be worried about the kids in the audience?
Gonzo: Nah, it's all right. This is culture!

[Scrooge has met the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come]
Rizzo the Rat: Oh, this is too scary. I don't think I wanna see any more!
Gonzo: When you're right, you're right.
[turning to face the audience]
Gonzo: You're on your own, folks. We'll meet you at the finale!
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah!

[Rizzo and "Mr. Dickens" are sitting on the window ledge outside Scrooge's bedroom]
Rizzo the Rat: [looking around] Um, are you sure it's safe for us to be up here?
Gonzo: Scrooge is saved. What can happen now?
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah.
[Scrooge opens the window, knocking Rizzo and "Mr. Dickens" off the ledge]

Gonzo: He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scr...
[noticing the smudged window of Scrooge's office]
Gonzo: Boy, this really *is* a dirty city!
Rizzo the Rat: Heh, you're tellin' me!
[Gonzo grabs Rizzo and uses him to wipe off the window pane]
Rizzo the Rat: [sarcastically] Thank you for makin' me a part of this!
Gonzo: [dropping Rizzo] He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge: a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, clutching, covetous old sinner.

Gonzo: Once again, I must ask you to remember that the Marleys were dead, and decaying in their graves.
Rizzo the Rat: Yuck!
Gonzo: [whispering] That one thing you must remember, or nothing that follows will seem wondrous.
Rizzo the Rat: Why are you whispering?
Gonzo: It's for dramatic emphasis.

Rizzo the Rat: [falls down a chimney ignoring Gonzo] Hey! I'm stuck! Get me out of here!
Gonzo: I knew you weren't suited for literature.

Gonzo: My name is Charles Dickens.
Rizzo the Rat: And my name is Rizzo the Rat... wait a second! You're not Charles Dickens!
Gonzo: I am too!
Rizzo the Rat: No! A blue furry Charles Dickens who hangs out with a rat?
Gonzo: Absolutely!
Rizzo the Rat: Charles Dickens was a 19th Century novelist! A genius!
Gonzo: Oh, you are too kind!
Rizzo the Rat: Why should I believe you?
Gonzo: Well, because I know the story of A Christmas Carol like the back of my hand!
Rizzo the Rat: Prove it!
Gonzo: All right! Um, there's a little mole on my thumb, and um, a scar on my wrist from when I fell off my bike...
Rizzo the Rat: No, no, no, don't tell us your *hand*, tell us the *story*!

Rizzo the Rat: I fell down the chimney and landed on a flaming hot goose!
Gonzo: You have all the fun!

Rizzo the Rat: How do you know what Scrooge is doin'? We're down here and he's up there!
Gonzo: I told you, storytellers are omniscient; I know everything!
Rizzo the Rat: Hoity-toity, Mr. Godlike Smarty-Pants.
Gonzo: To conduct a proper search, Scrooge was forced to light the lamps.
[the lamps come on]
Rizzo the Rat: How *does* he do that?

Rizzo the Rat: Oh, Gonzo, speak to me! I mean, Mr. Dickens. Charlie! Are you hurt?
Gonzo: [gets up] To say that Scrooge became startled would be untrue. Still the moment had passed, and the world was as it should be.
Rizzo the Rat: He ain't hurt. Didn't even lose his concentration.


The Great Muppet Caper (1981)
Gonzo: Stop the presses!
News Editor: Why? What happened?
Gonzo: I don't know. I just always wanted to say that.

Kermit: We were wondering if you could recommend a nice hotel. Actually, a cheap hotel.
British Gentleman: How cheap?
Fozzie: Free.
British Gentleman: Well, that narrows the field a bit.
[reading from his guide]
British Gentleman: Let's see. "Places where you can park your carcasses." Bus terminals... River banks... The Happiness Hotel...
Kermit: Happiness Hotel? That sounds great.
Gonzo: What's wrong with bus terminals?

Gonzo: [Referring to Big Ben] Is that the Eiffel Tower?
Fozzie: Yeah!
Kermit: No.
Fozzie: No. No.

[In a hot-air balloon]
Gonzo: I'd like to try this without a balloon.
Kermit: Try what? Plummeting?
Gonzo: Yeah.
Kermit: I suppose you could try it once.

British Gentleman: For once the forecast was right. It said it was going to rain cats and dogs.
Kermit: No, no. We're bears and frogs.
Gonzo: And Gonzos.

[Kermit, Gonzo, and Fozzie are in a hot air balloon, flying through the opening credits]
Gonzo: Gee, a lot of people worked on this movie!
Kermit: Oh, this is nothing. Wait till you see the end credits.

Gonzo: [after taking pictures of pigeons outside] Local poultry.

Gonzo: [going over the Thames] What's the name of this river?
Kermit: I don't know.
Fozzie: I think it's the English river.
Gonzo: Oh. I'll take a picture of it. Say cheese!

Fozzie: [Gonzo takes a picture on the bus] Oh, did I get my elbow in the shot?
Gonzo: Don't worry; it adds human interest.
Fozzie: But I'm a bear.

Gonzo: [looking at the models] Hubba hubba!

Fozzie: Hey, Kermit, I'm getting hungry.
Gonzo: Call room service.
Kermit: There's no phone.
Rizzo the Rat: That's OK, there's no food, either.

Gonzo: Photography's an art. You gotta have the right film, you gotta have the right exposure, and you gotta scream just before they get the food to their mouth.

[last lines]
Gonzo: Wait a minute! Hold it right there. Don't go home yet.
[holds up his camera]
Gonzo: Say cheese!
[takes a picture and the screen goes black]
Gonzo: I'll send you each a copy.

[First lines]
Kermit: [In a hot air balloon] Pretty nice up here, isn't it?
Fozzie: Kermit? What if we drift out to sea? What if we're never heard from again? What if there's a storm? Or - we get struck by lightning?
Gonzo: That'd be neat.
Kermit: Listen, nothing's gonna happen. These are just the opening credits.
Fozzie: Oh. Where are they?
[Title card appears]
Fozzie: Wow!
Kermit: The Great Muppet Caper.
Fozzie: Nice title.

Gonzo: I wonder how far you could plummet before you blacked out.
Kermit: Uh, don't try it, Gonzo. We need you for this movie.
Gonzo: Sure is tempting.

Kermit: [shouting] Uh, taxi! Taxi!
[to Fozzie]
Kermit: I don't know why the cabs won't stop.
Gonzo: Just leave it to me.
[throws himself in front of a cab]
Gonzo: Taxi!
Kermit, Fozzie: Aaaaahhh!
[the cab stops]
Kermit: Uh, that's very effective.
Gonzo: Yeah, it's great when it works!


Muppets Treasure Island (1996) (VG)
Billy Bones: And no one knows to this day what happened to the treasure. Or the treasure map. Maybe you'll find them, Eh Hawkins. Hawkins? Ha!
[Billy Bones looks at you and laughs. Rizzo the Rat laughs]
The Great Gonzo: Tell us another adventure Mr. Bones. My favorite is the story about the one legged man.
Billy Bones: Ah, The one legged man? I told you to never to mention that cursed beast! Now get back there and finish brewing my stew. I feel the horrors coming on, begone!
Rizzo the Rat: The horrors. Oh I think I'll be going now. Ho.
[Gonzo and Rizzo head over to the kitchen. Billy Bones stands up and also heads into the kitchen. Then Blind Pew opens the top half of the front door]
:Blind Pew: Eh. Hi Billy Bones it's me Blind Pew! Come to settle the score! Heh heh, heh, Whoa, ow, whoa, ow!
[Blind Pew trips over the trash cans. Billy Bones comes out of the kitchen. Walks upstairs to his room and sees the paper with the black spot on it]
Billy Bones: THE BLACK SPOT! NO!
[Then Stevenson the Parrot appears on the stair rails]

Billy Bones: The black spot! The black spot!
The Great Gonzo: Um real black spot? Can I see it. I've never seen a real black spot before Mr. B.
Rizzo the Rat: Hey Hey! Hold that... Door. Hey watch out!
[Rizzo crashes into the door and falls backwards down the stairs]

Rizzo the Rat: Hmm, I'll look for a key.
The Great Gonzo: I'll look for a sledgehammer.
Stevenson the Parrot: Hey Hawkins. Try this.
[Slides the key right next to the sea chest]

The Great Gonzo: Ah. The smell of adventure.
Rizzo the Rat: Rotting wood, mold, mildew. Yep. that's adventure alright.

Pirates: Open up! We know you're in there!
[Bangs on the bedroom door]
The Great Gonzo: Looks like we've got two choices. A, we jump two stories into the vegetable cart below. Or B, we stay here and face the deadly angry and very well armed pirates.
Rizzo the Rat: And C?
The Great Gonzo: There isn't a C.
Rizzo the Rat: There's always a C! What kind of game is this without a C!
[Gonzo laughs and they both hide]

Rizzo the Rat: Come on Hawkins! That fuse can't burn forever.
The Great Gonzo: Oh I don't know it's lasted pretty long so far.
Rizzo the Rat: I'm heightening the drama!
The Great Gonzo: Aren't you a little short for high drama?
[Gonzo laughs and they both hide]

Rizzo the Rat: Pirates!
[the pirates break down the door and search the room]
The Great Gonzo: Woo. Uh oh.
:Blind Pew: We'd be taking back that treasure map now! What's that? I smell something burning.
[Then the dynamite explodes and blows up part of the Benbow bedroom Inn. Gonzo and Rizzo go flying in the air before falling down]
Cart Driver: Look out! It's raining rats and uh whatevers. Oh I've had enough of this job, I'm outta here.
[Then the cart driver man gets out of the cart and walks off]
The Great Gonzo: Whoa Hawkins! Ahh! Incoming!
Rizzo the Rat: Look out below!
[Rizzo the rat falls in the molasses barrel and splatters molasses all over Jim Hawkins face and he can't see]
The Great Gonzo: Molasses. What a mess.
[the cart moves]
Rizzo the Rat: Whew. That was a close one. Now if there was only some way to pass the time between here and Bristol.
Rizzo the Rat: [singing] 99 pieces of cheese on the wall. 99 pieces of cheese. Take one down. Pass it around. 98 pieces of cheese on the wall. 98 pieces of cheese on the wall, 98 pieces of cheese. Take one down let it turn brown. 97 pieces of cheese on the wall. 97 pieces of cheese on the wall 97 pieces of cheese. Take one down trade it for a pound...

Stevenson the Parrot: Now we need a ship. Why? Well we have a map to you know, Treasure Island. Squawk!
[the fanfare horns play]
Rizzo the Rat: Woo Hey, hey. It sounds like intermission I'd say we get some food.
The Great Gonzo: I'd say we find a ship. Let's head for the docks come on.
Rizzo the Rat: Ok.
[Rizzo and Gonzo walk off and the cart leaves]

The Great Gonzo: Hawkins! Come on in. This place is great!


"Muppet Babies: Nice to Have Gnome You (#8.5)" (1991)
Piggy: [stepping on Fozzie's collection of whoopie cushions] Where are we?
Gonzo: Uh, this is the land of Whoopie.
Piggy: Oh brother, Alice in Whoopieland.

Skeeter: [Piggy, Gonzo and Animal come into the nursery screaming] What's going on?
Gonzo: Piggy lost her Alice book and the library's going to chop off her head!
Skeeter: Huh? Gosh, how overdue is it?

Piggy: What's this?
Gonzo: Labyrinth card.
Piggy: I can't believe he said that, can you?

Gonzo: I want to check this book out again; Land of the Gnomes and Goblins, it's my favorite.
Skeeter: Eww, they look weird.
Gonzo: Yeah I know, that's what I like.

Piggy: Oh, I'll never find my book in time.
Gonzo: Goblins probably took it.
Piggy: Huh? *gasp* Gonzo?
Gonzo: Uh-uh, Gonzo, Head Troll around here, all the goblins know me.

Gonzo: So uh, what's this about your book?
Piggy: Well, I got it from the library last week, but now...
Gonzo: Ah! It could be, in there!
[points to the Labyrinth]
Piggy: What is that?
Gonzo: Public Labyrinth.
Piggy: Public what?
Gonzo: Labyrinth, kind of like a maze. Goblins take books there!
Piggy: They do?

Gonzo: An Orangutroll!
[sees the others tickling Animal]
Gonzo: They're tickling him! Tickling, a fate worse than chickenpox!

Piggy: [Nanny's asleep watching a cooking show] Nanny, what would the library do if someone actually lost their book?
TV chef: Well first we chop off their little heads!
Piggy: Really?
TV chef: Then we plump them into boiling water until the skin comes off and they get all soft and mussy.
Gonzo: Boy, these library people are serious!
Piggy: Come on, let's get out of here!
[run out of the room]
TV chef: And in 20 minutes, you have a delicious bellaruff modernuff turnip souffle. Bon appetite!


A Muppet Family Christmas (1987) (TV)
Kermit: Don't you think we should've called your mother and let her know we were coming?
Fozzie Bear: Oh, how little you understand bears, Kermit. My mother loves surprises.
Gonzo: Well, good, cuz she's in for a honey.

Doc: [after the Muppet babies' Christmas home movie] Aw, that was fun! Even weirdos are cute when they're babies.
Gonzo: [rushing to Doc] I knew you'd learn to love us!
Doc: I didn't say that.

Gonzo: This is not a good place for turkeys!
Turkey: Not to worry. I'm a survivor.

Turkey: Where's my room?
Gonzo: If you're not careful, it'll be in the oven. See you at dinner.

Kermit: [halting Gonzo and Turkey's argument] Hark! What do I hear?
Gonzo: You're about to hear me make some turkey hash!
Kermit: No, no, listen: me thinks me hears carolers!

Gonzo: Camila's MY girlfriend!
Turkey: You've gotta be kiddin'. You're not even a bird!
Gonzo: Well, nobody's perfect.

Emily 'Ma' Bear: I'm afraid we're running out of room. Two of you will have to sleep on hangers on a hook on the wall.
Gonzo: What a fabulous idea!
Animal: Love hanger! Love hanger!
[laughs]
Floyd: That's the only way Animal ever sleeps, ma'am.

Gonzo: C'mon, put up your wings, Turkey Toes!
Turkey: Why're you pulling my leg, Hose Nose?


"The Muppet Show: Connie Stevens (#1.2)" (1977)
Hilda: Gonzo I categorically, absolutely refuse to repair that teddy bear!
The Great Gonzo: Can I take that to mean maybe? Come on, Hilda, what do you say?
Hilda: I say that bear is the worst thing I have ever seen in this theatre. Why not get rid of him?
Fozzie: The bear is the worst thing she's ever seen in this theatre? My whole life is flashing before my eyes.

The Great Gonzo: [talking about Gonzo's teddy bear] Don't tell me you don't like him either?
Kermit the Frog: What's there to like, Gonzo? That bear is the worst! I say, let's get rid of him, OK?
The Great Gonzo: But he's a nice bear. I don't care if he is moldy-looking. I like him.
Fozzie: [thinking they are talking about him] Did you hear? Only Gonzo likes me. And he thinks I'm moldy!

Fozzie: Goodbye, Mr. Frog.
Kermit the Frog: Hey Fozzie, where are you going?
Fozzie: Oh, I been hearing what they've been saying about the old bear. I'm going home. I'm leaving the show business.
The Great Gonzo: [talking about his Teddy Bear] Kermit, if the bear goes. I go.
Fozzie: [thinking Gonzo is talking about him] Gonzo, I never realized. What loyalty? OK, the ball is in your court, frog!
Kermit the Frog: a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Hold it! Hold it! Listen Fozzie. When you heard people say they didn't want the bear around here, they were referring to Gonzo's teddy bear. Not to you.
Fozzie: Teddy bear? Then you mean you really want me to stay?
Kermit the Frog: Of course I want you to stay on the show. You're a star. You're a legend in your own time.
[aside to camera]
Kermit the Frog: Am I laying it on a little too sick?
Fozzie: I don't know what to say except that if you the frog want me the bear to stay, then I'll just have to have a raise.
Kermit the Frog: What?
Fozzie: And I'll need a bigger dressing room, and a limousine...
Kermit the Frog: Will you get out of here, Fozzie!
Fozzie: Thank you, Sir. Thank you, thank you.
The Great Gonzo: Well like I was saying Kermit, if the bear goes, the Gonzo goes.
Kermit the Frog: OK, you can stay, the teddy bear can stay, both bears can stay, the Gonzo can stay. Sometimes the crown weighs rather heavy on this little froggy head.

Scooter: [talking about Gonzo's teddy bear] What do I think of the bear? Why, he's funny. No, no, really. Every time I look at him, he makes me wanna laugh and laugh and laugh. I think he's just great.
The Great Gonzo: Well, I'm glad you like him. Kermit says it's a disgrace to have him around and we oughta get a new one.
Scooter: Yeah, well, that'd be nice, too!
Fozzie: [thinking they are talking about him] The bear can barely bear it, folks.

The Great Gonzo: Thank you. Thank you. This is the tomato plant and I am the Gonzo.
[Gonzo begins playing the "1812 Overture" on violin as the tomato plant grows and wraps itself around Gonzo carrying him off stage]

The Great Gonzo: Hilda, Hilda. Could I ask a great big favour?
Hilda: Oh, Gonzo, I'm very busy right now!
The Great Gonzo: Oh, but I brought my Teddy Bear in just especially for you to repair.
Hilda: Gonzo, aren't you a little old to carry around a teddy bear?
The Great Gonzo: Really? You think I'm emotionally mature enough to move up to a Raggedy Anne?

Fozzie: I've had it! Now that I know what people think of me here, I'm leaving the show.
The Great Gonzo: Hi, Scooter.
Scooter: Hi, Gonz.
The Great Gonzo: Say, I'm curious. What do you think of him?
[referring to his teddy bear]
Fozzie: [thinking they are talking about him] Listen! They're taking about me. Well, I will not listen!


The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984)
Gonzo: Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor, I'm looking for a frog who can sing and dance!
The Honorable Edward I. Koch: If he can balance the budget, I'll hire him!

Gonzo: Maybe we should add more special effects like exploding socks.

[Gonzo uses mouth-to-mouth resuicitation on his chicken]
Miss Piggy: Gonzo, is Camilla all right?
Gonzo: Yeah, but I think we're engaged!

Baby Kermit: [Muppet Babies, singing] She's gonna be a movie star. And she's gonna learn to drive a car; she's gonna be a vet'rinarian, too.
[to Kermit]
Miss Piggy: And I'm gonna always love you-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
Fozzie Bear: Well, she's gonna be a singer, whoa-whoa-whoa!
Scooter: And she's gonna learn to fly a plane!
Rowlf: She'll be a doctor of diseases and help you with your sneezes...
Gonzo: ...and practice neurosurgery on your brain!

Kermit the Frog: What's going on here?
Scooter: Well... uh... we just got job offers. Uh... right guys?
[everyone lies with ad libs, "yeah", "sure", "job offers"]
Kermit the Frog: That's great. But why do you all look so sad?
Scooter: Well, it's just... they're kind of... out of town job offers. Right guys?
[more ad libs with "yes", "out of town", etc]
Gonzo: What job did I get?
Scooter: Gonzo! Shut up!

Kermit the Frog: [after being taken hostage] Gonzo, are you alright?
Gonzo: I just saw my life flash before my nose!


The Muppet Movie (1979)
Fozzie: Hey, why don't you join us?
Gonzo: Where are you going?
Fozzie: We're following our dream!
Gonzo: Really? I have a dream, too!
Fozzie: Oh?
Gonzo: But you'll think it's stupid.
Fozzie: No we won't, tell us, tell us!
Gonzo: Well, I want to go to Bombay, India and become a movie star.
Fozzie: You don't go to Bombay to become a movie star! You go where we're going: Hollywood.
Gonzo: Sure, if you want to do it the *easy* way.
Fozzie: [to Kermit] We've picked up a weirdo...

Kermit: [watching Gonzo fly over the fair with a bunch of balloons] Gonzo! What are you doing?
Gonzo: About seven knots!

Miss Piggy: Oh Kermie, you were so courageous, so magnificent!
Kermit: Gee, I don't know what to say.
Fozzie: Say the bear was magnificent. After all, I did the driving.
Gonzo: And I took a hundred-foot belly flop onto a moving car!
Miss Piggy: Yes, but Kermit assumed the awesome responsibility of command!
Kermit: Gee.
Fozzie: Oh, brother.

Gonzo: All right, Camilla, I'll get you a balloon, but *you* have to pick the color: red or green?
Balloon Vendor: Can I give you a word of advice?
Gonzo: What?
Balloon Vendor: Why not take both?
[smiles encouragingly]
Gonzo: [gasps] What a wild idea!
Balloon Vendor: Yeah, a beautiful chicken like that deserves two balloons.
Gonzo: You're right.
Balloon Vendor: I have guys come in all the time. Sometimes, they'll get a buncha balloons for their girls, and they go gaga for it.
Gonzo: Gaga? I'll take the whole bunch!
Camilla: Gaga! Gaga!

Gonzo: [singing] There's not a word yet, for old friends who've just met.

Gonzo: [to Miss Piggy] If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable.


It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002) (TV)
Pepe the Prawn: I got good news! I got the fire permit, the health permit, the permit to open a topless nightclub, all the contracts...
The Great Gonzo: Wait a minute. The permit to open a topless nightclub?
Pepe the Prawn: Better safe than sorry, okay?
The Great Gonzo: Good point.

The Great Gonzo: [Gonzo into a walkie talkie] Gonzo to Scooter, Gonzo to Scooter. Bring home the bacon. Over.
Scooter: 10-4. Bacon down. Bacon down.
Rizzo the rat: [pulls on string trying to lift down Miss Piggy] Roger. Bacon down. Bacon down.
Miss Piggy: Will you hurry up? Don't make me miss my cue!
Scooter: The ham is jammed. Repeat the ham is jammed.

Rizzo the rat: Gonzo, I sold my collection of rare cheese to buy you this crystal petri dish for your mold collection.
The Great Gonzo: Oh. Uh, gee, Rizzo. I sold my mold collection to buy you this diamond-tipped cheese slicer.
Rizzo the rat: Did you save the receipt?

The Great Gonzo: Hmmm. Let's see. Shiny nose, laughing and calling names... I got it! Meet the new star of our show: Frosty the Snow-Rat!
Kermit: Gee Gonzo, I thought you would have gone with Rizzo the Red-Nosed Rat-Deer.
The Great Gonzo: Well, sure, if you want to go for the obvious.

The Great Gonzo: This is Luc Fromage. He works with Cirque Du Soilet.
Luc Fromage: Behold, I give you my theatrical masterpiece!
Kermit: "Cirque Du So Lame?" Luc, I don't think it would be nice to have the word "lame" in our show.
Luc Fromage: It is not "lame"! It's "lah-mehy"!


"The Muppets.: Pig's in a Blackout (#1.7)" (2015)
Scooter: [freaked out] I broke Kermit's show!
The Great Gonzo: [one-on-one interview] I feel sorry for Scooter. Being in charge is not easy. But you know what I learned when I was shot into Niagara Falls? Sometimes you gotta ask for help. Yeah. And learn French in case the wind carries you to the Canadian side.

The Great Gonzo: So, Kermit, we got a great sketch for Patrick Dempsey.
Rizzo the Rat: Mm-hmm.
Pepe the King Prawn: Si.
Kermit the Frog: Oh, no, Dempsey's out. We're going with a big block of butter.
Rizzo the Rat: Okay, we'll just tweak it. Piggy's having a dream where she's making out with a big block of butter. Huh. It's actually funnier.
The Great Gonzo: Yeah.
Pepe the King Prawn: And more realistic.

The Great Gonzo: [disappointed that, while Kermit is going on leave, he has left Scooter in charge] You know, when you're choosing somebody to handle a high-pressure job, you might want to go with the guy who won't get rattled. I mean, I was a stunt man. I was shot out of a cannon straight into Niagara Falls. Although, technically, I was supposed to go over Niagara Falls. Always check the wind.

The Great Gonzo: Scooter, you're not going anywhere. What is the oldest saying in Hollywood?
Scooter: Uh... "This is where we should put Hollywood"?
The Great Gonzo: No. "The show must go on."
Scooter: Well, why would you say that before Hollywood exists?
The Great Gonzo: [sighs] Look, Scooter, what I'm trying to say is... I believe in you. And it doesn't matter how scared you are. You can do this. You have to do this.


"The Muppet Show: Mummenschanz (#1.24)" (1977)
[Miss Piggy mistook Gonzo's love letter on her dressing room door for a letter from Kermit]
Gonzo: [singing] She kissed me... She put her arms around me and she kissed me...
Miss Piggy: It was a CASE of mistaken identity!
Gonzo: Oh, hug me Miss Piggy! HOLD me!
Miss Piggy: I will not hug you, you... TWIT TURKEY!
Gonzo: Hold my hand, pig of my dreams!
Miss Piggy: Will you beat it, twerp?
Gonzo: Just touch me, o hog of my heart!
Miss Piggy: Here's a touch for ya, wimp buzzard!
Gonzo: I'm ready!
[She karate chops him and leaves]
Gonzo: [singing] She touched me... She swung her porky pinky's and She touched me.

Kermit: Uh, Miss Piggy, while I am flattered at this display of affection, allow me to remind you once again that I do not want you.
Gonzo: [to Kermit] Oh, good, then can I have her?
[Miss Piggy karate chops both of them at once, one with each hand]
Miss Piggy: [to audience] That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

Miss Piggy: Kermit? That was a low and dirty trick, setting up a date with me and Gonzo. Wasn't it?
Kermit: Oh, yeah, yeah I suppose it was. Mhm, I'm sorry.
Miss Piggy: Oh! Kermit, thank you for apologizing so sincerely and abjectly to your lover pig.
Kermit: Well, that wasn't exactly an abject apology.
Miss Piggy: [Gonzo has come up behind Piggy and is nuzzling up to her] GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU TWIT TURKEY!
[to Kermit]
Miss Piggy: Kermit, now that you've begged for my forgiveness...
[to Gonzo]
Miss Piggy: DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU JIVE GEEK!
[to Kermit]
Miss Piggy: ...why don't we just kissy-poo and make up, my darling?
[to Gonzo]
Miss Piggy: YOU'RE BREATHING ON ME!
[to Kermit]
Miss Piggy: Kissy-kissy?
Kermit: Uh, Miss Piggy, while I am flattered at this display of affection, allow me to remind you once again that I do not want you.
Gonzo: Oh, good, then can I have her?
Miss Piggy: [Miss Piggy karate chops both of them at once, one with each hand] That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

Miss Piggy: Kermit, my love, I am so sorry about my little temper tantrum. Ol' buzzard beak was driving me crazy!
Gonzo: [running up and hugging Miss Piggy] You drive ME crazy, Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy: You know something, nasty nose? I'm going to send you on a one-way trip TO THE GEEK FARM!
Gonzo: Send me!
[Miss Piggy karate-chops Gonzo, then holds up one fist in the air]
Miss Piggy: Pig power!


The Muppets' Wizard of Oz (2005) (TV)
The Great Gonzo: Oh, where's my cell phone?
[then putting on his funny nose]
Pepe the Prawn: Wait a second. That's your cell phone?
The Great Gonzo: Yeah.
Pepe the Prawn: Interesting. What do these do?
[pushing the small buttons on the Great Gonzo's chest]
The Great Gonzo: Nothing. They're my nipples.
Pepe the Prawn: [Pepe runs out of the T.I.N. shack screaming, looks at his hands] I feel dirty.

Tin Thing: Welcome to the Total Intelligence Network, T.I.N. for short.

Toto: What in the name of all that is holy are you, okay?
Tin Thing: Oh, I'm a T.I.N. thing, a fully robotic information gathering device for the Wicked Witch of the West. And I can answer any question in the universe. Anything.
Toto: I got one. Why are the women so confusing, okay?
Tin Thing: Let me process that.
[holds his breath as an antenna sprouts from the top of his tin head]
Tin Thing: [releases deep breath] It only seems that way because men are so simple.

Scarecrow: You know, I'd give my stuffed flipper for only half of your brain.
Tin Thing: Take it from me, brains don't make you happy.


"Muppet Babies: Bearly Alone Babies (#8.3)" (1991)
Gonzo: Piggy! A man-eating manhole cover!

Piggy: Goof, come on, follow me.
[steps on Fozzie's rubber chicken, slides into the next room and crashes]
Gonzo: Follow that? Madonna couldn't follow that!

Gonzo: [hiding in the closet, only their eyes visible] Uh... I hate to mention this but uh, how many of us came in here?
Scooter: [among the jumble] Let's see, there's you...
Piggy, Scooter, Skeeter: Four?
Gonzo: Right, so uh, who's he?
[nods up to a 5th set of eyes]

Scooter: What about those guys we saw at the window?
Gonzo: Set a booby trap!
Fozzie: Uh uh.
Piggy: Drop him in the laundry!
Fozzie: Nope.
Gonzo: Trip him with a rope.
Fozzie: Tried that.
Piggy: Put a bag on his head!
Fozzie: Tried all that stuff.


Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
[Salma Hayek and Gonzo are dressed in lurid red costumes for the Indoor Running of the Bulls]
Salma Hayek: Gonzo, I don't want to do this.
Gonzo: What? This is gonna be fantastic!
Salma Hayek: Are you sure?
Gonzo: [confidently] Nope.

[Gonzo's Running With the Bulls stunt is a disaster]
Gonzo: Who could have thought that this would go wrong?
Salma Hayek: I did.

Jean Pierre Napoleon: Bring in the purple guy with the schnozz!
[Gonzo enters to be interrogated]
Sam Eagle: Do you remember what you did / on the night you played Madrid?
Gonzo: I was hit by a raging bull / and rushed off stage to the hospital!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: Gonzo, what do you know / about the sculpture thefts at Madrid's Prado?
Gonzo: I never saw the stolen busts / I spent the night in bed concussed.
Sam Eagle: The truth is, Gonzo, the clock is ticking.
Gonzo: If you don't believe me, ask the chicken! Camilla was there, she'll cooperate!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: Madame, are you willing to corroborate?
Camilla: Bawk bawk begawk, begawk gawk gawk!
Sam Eagle: Will someone get this chicken out of here?
Gonzo: Calm down, Camilla, it's a routine inspection!
Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle: Thank you, Gonzo! No more questions!


"Muppet Babies: The Great Muppet Cartoon Show (#2.10)" (1985)
Gonzo: [after Miss Piggy turns him into a clay figure of himself] Pigs - you can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em.
[faints]

Gonzo, Animal, Fozzie, Rowlf, Piggy, Kermit, Skeeter, Scooter: [all singing; repeated chorus] We love cartoons; we love all the action / We love cartoons, how they dance and sing / We love cartoons, they're the main attraction / Cartoon heroooes can do anything!

Gonzo: There's nothing deeper than a cartoon hole.


"The Muppets.: Got Silk? (#1.13)" (2016)
Pepe the King Prawn: No, no, no! I... I sit in this stinky room writing jokes all day long.
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah.
Pepe the King Prawn: I'm not having burgers from an island-themed restaurant for lunch again!
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah.
The Great Gonzo: Pepe, "island themed" just means there's a pineapple on your burger. You take it off.
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah, but you can't get rid of the juice.
The Great Gonzo: You're a rat! I've seen you eat garbage!
Rizzo the Rat: Not with a pineapple on it!

The Great Gonzo: Take the shoes off!
Rizzo the Rat: Gotta get your pants off first!
The Great Gonzo: No, the shoes go first!
Kermit the Frog: Hey guys, don't, uh. ditch the suits yet!
[Suddely stunned by what he's seeing]
Kermit the Frog: And - and please, could you always wear your pants in the office?
Rizzo the Rat: Okay, "Mr. Naked".

The Great Gonzo: We won't let anyone buy our loyalty again.
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah, Kermit's the best. We'd do anything for the guy.
Pepe the King Prawn: Si, especially now since he bought us these suits.


"Muppet Babies: Who's Afraid of the Big, Bad Dark? (#1.2)" (1984)
Gonzo: Wait a minute. What's fun besides making trouble?

Gonzo: Oh boy, we may not have ghosts, but we've got one heck of a problem, SLIME MONSTER!

Gonzo: Quick! Let's hide in that haunted house! What am I saying?


"Muppet Babies: Noisy Neighbors (#1.1)" (1984)
Gonzo: [Turns the channel on the tv to a superhero show] Oh boy this is my favorite.
Female Citizen#1: Look up in the clouds.
Female Citizen#2: It's a duck...
Male Citizen: It's a blimp...
Gonzo: [Puts on a rug as a cape] No it's Super Gonzo!
[Goes into television set]
Kermit: Gonzo?
Piggy: Gonzo come back.
Animal: Super Gonzo?

Gonzo: [Gonzo as Cluck Kent is stuck in the elevator during a dream] Uh were was I?
Kermit: I believe you were plunging to certain doom.
Gonzo: Oh yeah This is a job for...
[Removes trench coat and hat and grows taller with muscles]
Gonzo: Super Gonzo!

Gonzo: This is a job for...
[Removes hat and trench coat and grows taller with muscles]
Gonzo: Super Gonzo!
[Tries to get out of the telephone booth but he can't]
Male citizen: Look up there
Female citizen#1: It's a plane
Female citizen#2: No it's a chicken
Male citizen: Nah it's just a telephone booth.
[Super Gonzo is seen flying in the air in the telephone booth]


"The Muppet Show: Paul Simon (#5.11)" (1980)
Gonzo: [singing] For you, I'd wash my hair with stinky glue, I'd fry my legs and eat them too, I'd put a spider in my shoe, for you. That was the first verse. Would you like to hear the other 28?

Gonzo: As long as I'm here, I'd like to donate my body to science.
Rowlf the Dog: With your body, it would be donated to science fiction.
Janice: To donate your body, don't you have to be dead?
Gonzo: So what? I believe in re-incarnation.
Miss Piggy: What would you come back as next time?
Gonzo: How should I know? I don't even know what I am this time.

Kermit the Frog: Gonzo, you're not going to sing are you? Why don't you do that act you rehearsed?
Gonzo: What? Perform an underwater heart transplant on myself?
Kermit the Frog: Sure, why not?
Gonzo: I don't know. Last time I did it, I died!


"The Muppet Show: Juliet Prowse (#1.1)" (1977)
The Great Gonzo: Thank you. Tonight ladies and gentlemen, I will eat this rubber tire to the music The Flight Of The Bumblebee. Music Maestro.

Kermit the Frog: [the audience boos Gonzo off the stage] Looks like it's another wipeout for Gonzo.
The Great Gonzo: Yokels! What do they know about art?


"The Muppet Show: Julie Andrews (#2.17)" (1977)
Gonzo: [to a cow] Wow, you've got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

Gonzo: [with cow in hat] Wanna go to a movie or grab a steak?


Muppet Classic Theater (1994) (V)
The Great Gonzo: [narrating] And Sandy Pig *was* really the second little pig.
Rizzo the Rat: You call *That* a little pig?
Miss Piggy: [to Rizzo] I heard that, *Buster*!

Rizzo the Rat: [popping his head out of a popcorn box] Hey, hey, hey! Want some popcorn?
The Great Gonzo: [mortified] YEEE-UCK!


"The Muppet Show: The Stars of Star Wars (#4.17)" (1980)
Luke Skywalker, C-3PO: [with Piggy, Link, and Strangepork] Oh, no, Derth Nader!
[looks at camera]
Luke Skywalker, C-3PO: Who?
Gonzo: The world will never know!

Gonzo: [to Luke] Who's your tailor? I love that outfit!


"Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color: Disneyland's 35th Anniversary Celebration (#34.15)" (1990)
Miss Piggy: I wish I could be Cinderella.
[Gonzo suddenly appears, dressed as a fairy]
The Great Gonzo: Whoa! Sorry, landings aren't my specialty.
Miss Piggy: Who are you?
The Great Gonzo: Why, I am your fairy god... er, thing, and I am here to grant you three wishes.
[Miss Piggy gasps; to camera]
The Great Gonzo: I hope you people are getting the "Pigarella" story structure here.
Miss Piggy: Oh, Fairy God... er, thing, I want to be Cinderella and be admired for my great beauty.
The Great Gonzo: Are you serious? Don't you know you're a pig?
Miss Piggy: [offended] Hey! Listen, buzzard beak!
The Great Gonzo: Leave my nose out of this!
Miss Piggy: Oh, I wish your nose would just blow up!
[suddenly, Gonzo's long nose explodes]
The Great Gonzo: Wow, look what you did!
Miss Piggy: Oh, I'm so sorry! I wish I haven't had said that!
[suddenly, Gonzo's nose is back to normal]
The Great Gonzo: Aw, gee, I kinda liked my nose like that. Well, you have one more wish left. Why don't you wish my other nose back? I think it gave me class.
Miss Piggy: Oh, I wish you'd be more serious!
[suddenly, Gonzo's fairy costume turns into that of a businessman]
The Great Gonzo: That was your third wish. Here is your receipt. Goodbye!
Miss Piggy: [grabbing Gonzo by the neck] Hold it, beaky-brain! You are going to get me one more wish so I can Cinderella! Comprende?
The Great Gonzo: [gasping for breath] I can't give you any more wishes! It's the rule! Besides, you broke my wand.
Miss Piggy: All right! We'll do this my way, but you are going to help! Come on!

Cinderella: Gosh, Gonzo, I wonder where your parents are?
The Great Gonzo: Never mind them. Let's talk about us. Is this thing with you and the prince serious? I mean, can you see other people? Hey, hey! Did anyone ever tell you you have great nostrils?


The Muppets Go to the Movies (1981) (TV)
Scooter (as Porthos): The Villain has dropped something--perhaps it is a clue!
Link Hogthrob (as Gummo): It is a crumpet.
Scooter (as Porthos): A pumpernickel crumpet!
The Great Gonzo (as Athos): [fighting the bandit] A pumpernickel crumpet?
Link Hogthrob (as Gummo): A crumpernickel pumpet?
Scooter (as Porthos): And furthermore, it has lumps all over it.
The Great Gonzo (as Athos): A lumpy pumpernickel crumpet?
Link Hogthrob (as Gummo): A crumpy lumpernickel pumpet?
Scooter (as Porthos): And in all of France, there is but one bakery which makes such a delicacy!
The Great Gonzo (as Athos): And that bakery is?
Scooter (as Porthos): Humperdinck's!
The Great Gonzo (as Athos): A Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpet?
Link Hogthrob (as Gummo): A crumperdinck's lumpy humple-crumple...pumplehumple...can we just get on with the story?
Scooter (as Porthos): And who is the man who loves Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpets beyond all things?
Link Hogthrob (as Gummo), The Great Gonzo (as Athos): We don't know, who?
Scooter (as Porthos): That simplewimp the Scarlet Pimpernel!
The Great Gonzo (as Athos), Scooter (as Porthos): Egads! It's that simplewimp Pimpernel and his Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpets!
[to audience]
The Great Gonzo (as Athos), Scooter (as Porthos): Ta da!

Link Hogthrob (as Gummo): Egad, it's that simple wimp Pimpernel and lumpy gumpel shlumpel dumpel... can we just get on with the story?
Scooter (as Porthos): Good idea! For there, the dreaded Scarlet Pimpernel is making his escape!
The Great Gonzo (as Athos): Yoinks, Porthos! Thou art correct! Gummo, swing down on yond chandelier and capture yond Pimpernel!
Link Hogthrob (as Gummo): Why me? I'm not the strong one.
Scooter (as Porthos): No, you're the STUPID one!


Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue (1990) (TV)
Michael: What's wrong? What's happening?
Kermit: Drugs! This what they do to your brain, Michael.
Gonzo: Actually, this is just one artist's conception.

Michael: Hey! He's gonna fall!
Kermit: Abandon brain!
Gonzo: Weirdos and pigs first!


Muppet*vision 3-D (1991)
Sam the Eagle: Will you stop this foolishness?
The Great Gonzo: What foolishness would you like to see?

The Great Gonzo: Hey, Bean, what's up?
Bean Bunny: I'm going away... forever!
The Great Gonzo: Oh, great! Could you get me a sandwich?
[to audience]
The Great Gonzo: Would any of you people like anything? Bean says he's going out... *forever*?


"Muppet Babies: Elm Street Babies (#5.9)" (1988)
Gonzo: [in 'Leave it to Weirdo'] There's nothing wrong with your set, this house is black and white because it's BOOOOORING.

Gonzo: [in 'Leave it to Weirdo'] How about you, Mr. Bark Bark?
Rowlf: Mr. Bark Bark? Get me out of here! Heeeeelp! Heeeelp!


"Muppet Babies: The Muppet Broadcasting Company (#3.5)" (1986)
All: [lightning strikes and puts out the power] Yipe!
Piggy: What happened?
Gonzo: I knew it!
All: What?
Gonzo: They're here.
Rowlf: Who?
Gonzo: The aliens! They've landed and drained the earth of all its electricity. They'll be coming for me next!
[runs and trips on the dominoes]
Gonzo: They got me!

Gonzo: It's got me!
Nanny: What's the matter, Gonzo?
Gonzo: The ghost has got me! The ghost has... Nanny? Uh, hi Nanny, I didn't know you were a ghost.


"The Muppets.: Going, Going, Gonzo (#1.9)" (2015)
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: So, uh, Gonzo, how are you feeling after that fall? Seems like you might have broken your nose there in, like, a thousand different places.
The Great Gonzo: No, no. My nose is the only bone in my body I haven't broken. That's why it looks so good.

The Great Gonzo: I still think about the stunt that got away. I was gonna shoot out of a canon across Cactus Gorge.
Pepe the King Prawn: Si, si, but just as he's about to light the fuse, he lost his nerves.
The Great Gonzo: God, I'd like to have a shot at doing that stunt again.
Kermit the Frog: Gee, Gonzo, I didn't realize you still wanted to do a jump like that. Listen, if it means that much to you, I'll make it happen on the show.
The Great Gonzo: Oh, Piggy's so mad at me. She'd never let me do it. You have any idea what it's like to be on her list?
Kermit the Frog: Are you serious, Gonzo? It's me. I know what it's like to be clinging to the hood of her car when she's doing fifty.


"The Muppets.: Pilot (#1.0)" (2015)
Miss Piggy: Oh, uh... Kermit. What a pleasant surprise to see you and...
[to Gonzo]
Miss Piggy: ... whoever you are.
The Great Gonzo: Are you kidding? We made like six movies together, three tv shows. We did love letters for a month at the Fisher Theatre in Detroit.
Miss Piggy: I wanna say... Gary?
The Great Gonzo: Sure, let's go with Gary.


"The Muppet Show: Lesley Ann Warren (#3.15)" (1979)
Gonzo: [seated on a motorcycle, about to perform a motorcycle stunt] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This evening, I will perform a feat of lunatic daring. Before your very eyes, I will ride this motorcycle up this ramp and jump directly into...
[looks up at Waldorf and Statler's theater box]
Gonzo: ... THAT box, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen.
Waldorf, Statler: [looking at each other; alarmed] What!
Gonzo: Oh, I can assure you, you'll be in no danger.
Statler: You're right.
Waldorf: We'll be in Chicago!


Muppets Party Cruise (2003) (VG)
Kermit the Frog: Look everybody! The pictures from our cruise are ready. I've made a really cool photo album too.
[Kermit opens the photo book and looks at the pictures]
Pepe the King Prawn: Ah. Adventure on the high seas already.
The Great Gonzo: The food the cannons.
Miss Piggy: Oh, the shopping.
Sam the Eagle: May I interject something?
Kermit the Frog: So many good times. Hey look here's when Animal ran right off the boat to catch his puck.
[Then a close up picture shows Animal right before falling in the water]
Animal: Water!
Fozzie Bear: Now that was funny!
Kermit the Frog: Yeah. Those are the things I'd really like to remember.
Miss Piggy: You mean our moonlit walks on the deck Kermit?
[Kermit quickly turns the pages of the album book]
Kermit the Frog: Uh, Yeah sure sure. Those were nice too Piggy. But I was talking about playing those terrific games. You know just look at that tomato huh.
[Then another close up picture shows Gonzo and Animal as the tomato is thrown]
Miss Piggy: Sigh. It seems like only yesterday.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: It was only yesterday. But, we can enjoy the memories immediately thanks to Muppet labs instantaneously photo presses.
Animal: Press! Press!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Indeed. And coming soon, the Muppet labs pre processor. Imagine being able to getting your photos before you've taken them.
Sam the Eagle: May I interject something?
Kermit the Frog: Remember how excited we were on that first day?
Fozzie Bear: First class, all the way!


The Muppets (2011)
Mahna Mahna: [sings] Mahna Mahna
Tex Richman: You're breaking the law! I own that name!
Snowth, Snowth: [the Snowths sing] Doo-doo, do-do-doo, do-do do do do do doo.
Gonzo: [with a bowling ball] Hey guys, I think I finally worked out how to - Whoo-ha!
[Gonzo throws the bowling ball and hits Tex Richman]
Fozzie Bear: 'Oil' bet that hurt.
[Tex Richman starts laughing]
The Newsman: This just in: Richman gives back Muppet theater and name. Change of heart, nothing to do with head injury.
Tex Richman: [sings] Mahna Mahna
Snowth, Snowth: [the Snowths sing] Doo-doo, do-do-doo


"The Muppet Show: Nancy Walker (#2.6)" (1977)
Fozzie: Hey, and now, ladies and gentlemen, I take great pride in presenting our wonderful guest star...
Gonzo: Psst! Fozzie, don't forget her name this time.
Fozzie: Gonzo, I will not forget her name.
Gonzo: It's Nancy Walker.
Fozzie: I know it's Nancy Walker.
Gonzo: That's Nancy, rhymes with fancy.
Fozzie: I know, I know!
Gonzo: And Walker, rhymes with talker.
Fozzie: Gonzo, I have it.
Gonzo: And it's Nancy Walker, not Fancy Talker.
Fozzie: Gonzo, I know the guest star's name is Nancy Walker. I remember Nancy Walker. I will not forget the name.
Gonzo: Okay.
[Fozzie leaves]
Gonzo: You forgot to introduce her.
[Fozzie chases Gonzo away screaming]


"Muppet Babies: Dental Hyjinks (#1.3)" (1984)
Gonzo: They'll probably drill him full of holes like Swiss cheese.


"The Muppet Show: Milton Berle (#2.3)" (1977)
Gonzo: Hey, Uncle Milty. I hope you really knock'em dead out there.
Milton Berle: Listen, kid. Don't worry about the king.
Gonzo: I'm not. I'm worried about you.
Milton Berle: How do you like that? I'm not even on the stage, and I'm in trouble.


"Muppet Babies: Is There a Muppet in the House? (#5.4)" (1988)
Skeeter: Maybe we went too far and we're in the 6th dimension.
Gonzo: Naah, the 6th dimension has marshmallow floors and purple swing sets.
Skeeter: Oh yeah... huh?


"The Muppet Show: Lola Falana (#4.11)" (1979)
[Gonzo is singing "My Way" as his finale song before leaving for a film career in Bombay, but he breaks down crying]
Kermit the Frog: Gonzo? Are you okay, Gonzo? It's just a song.
Gonzo: I know. It's not the song. I just don't want to go.
Kermit the Frog: But you're going to go out and make movies.
Gonzo: I want to go there. I just don't want to leave here.
Kermit the Frog: You had a choice to make, Gonzo, and you made it, and it was a good choice.
Gonzo: I know.
Kermit the Frog: I don't like long goodbyes, Gonzo, so...
[reaches his hand out to shake Gonzo's; Gonzo hugs Kermit]
Kermit the Frog: Take care of yourself, Gonzo.
Gonzo: You, too.
[sniffles]
Kermit the Frog: [to camera] We've had a little change of plans. I think we better just take a break.
[leaves with his arm around Gonzo's shoulder]


"The Muppet Show: John Cleese (#2.23)" (1977)
[Fozzie and Floyd are having a laugh at Gonzo's expense]
Gonzo: Just what the world needs - humorous hip persons!


"The Muppets.: Pig Girls Don't Cry (#1.1)" (2015)
[Kermit has asked the other Muppets to be available for one-on-one interviews with the documentary crews]
The Great Gonzo: [to the camera] One-on-one interviews? What an overused device. You tell the camera how you really feel, and then they cut back to you saying something completely different. I hate these interviews.
[cut back to Kermit's meeting]
The Great Gonzo: I love those interviews! Great device!


A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa (2008) (TV)
Claire's Mom: Look what I found.
The Great Gonzo: What's that?
Claire's Mom: It's an inflatable Santa. Can someone help me blow it up?
Crazy Harry: Did someone say "blow it up"?
[Detonates explosives]
Claire's Mom: That's why you have to choose your words carefully around here.


"The Muppet Show: Charles Aznavour (#1.9)" (1976)
Gonzo: Kermit, are you busy?
Kermit: Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a moment.
Gonzo: What would I do with your ear?
Kermit: Van Gogh impressions.


"The Muppet Show: Madeline Kahn (#2.9)" (1977)
[Gonzo has gotten over his crush on Miss Piggy]
Gonzo: I found somebody else.
Miss Piggy: Oh, well, uh, yeah, what, uh...
[clears throat]
Miss Piggy: What's she like?
Gonzo: Well, she's nothing like you at all.
Miss Piggy: Mm-hmm.
Gonzo: She's BEAUTIFUL!
[Piggy looks stunned and slowly looks toward Gonzo]
Gonzo: And she's got this cute little nose. And she's intelligent and talented, and I'm very happy.
[Gonzo looks toward Piggy, who quivers in anger and holds up her fist]
Gonzo: So you see, breaking up with you isn't painful at all.
Miss Piggy: Not until now! Hiiii-ya!
[karate-chops Gonzo on the nose, twisting it into his mouth]
Gonzo: [muffled] I see what you mean.


"The Muppets.: Hostile Makeover (#1.2)" (2015)
Fozzie Bear: Hey, guys! You're not gonna believe this. I just got an e-vite to a party at Jay Leno's house!
Gonzo: Oh, I get those spam e-mails all the time. You know, from my "mother" who's "stuck overseas," "needs money." You just delete them.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, Gonzo, isn't your mother on a South American cruise?
Gonzo: Yeah, and I'm a little worried. I haven't heard from her in a while.


"The Muppet Show: Roger Miller (#3.21)" (1979)
Kermit: Gonzo, I've got to go on stage. Don't say anything about this
The Great Gonzo: Gee, that won't be easy.
Kermit: Yeah, well it could disrupt the show. Just act normal.
The Great Gonzo: That won't be easy either.


"The Muppet Show: Alice Cooper (#3.7)" (1978)
The Great Gonzo: [offstage] This is the voice of doom!
Kermit: Sounds more like the voice of Gonzo.
[Gonzo appears in a cloud of smoke, holding a paper]
Kermit: Gonzo, is that the contract from the devil?
The Great Gonzo: No, Kermit, it's worse than that. This is the bill from special effects.


"The Muppet Show: Leslie Uggams (#3.18)" (1979)
The Great Gonzo: Listen to the rhymes in the chorus. It's very Cole Porte-ry. Camilla / You're sweeter than wine or vanilla, Camilla / Come lie beneath this tree, it's a willa, Camilla / Camilla / The night it grows stilla and stilla, Camilla / You're prettier by far than Godzilla, Camilla.


"The Muppet Show: Shirley Bassey (#5.4)" (1980)
The Great Gonzo: And now... classical music meets seafood!


John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together (1979) (TV)
The Great Gonzo: [singing] Now bring us some figgy pudding, now...
Miss Piggy: PIGGY PUDDING?
The Great Gonzo: No, no, no. Figgy pudding. It's made with figgs.
Miss Piggy: Oh.
The Great Gonzo: ...and bacon.
Miss Piggy: What?


"Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color: The Muppets at Walt Disney World (#34.23)" (1990)
The Great Gonzo: [looking in a trash can] Ah, Camilla! A plastic straw and paper cup exhibit!


"Muppets Tonight: Michelle Pfeiffer (#1.1)" (1996)
The Great Gonzo: Here on Monday we have "Murphy Prawn" and "The Single Duck in the City with his Apartment Full of Friends." And for this evening's show right now we have "TBA" followed by the "X-Flies"...
Kermit the Frog: Excuse me Gonzo, but "TBA" means to be announced which means we don't have a show for tonight!


"The Muppet Show: George Burns (#2.10)" (1977)
Scooter: George Burns. George Burns. Twenty seconds to curtain, Mr. Burns.
George Burns: I'm ready.
[noticing Gonzo playing a violin behind him]
George Burns: Excuse me, but... But what is *that*?
The Great Gonzo: [playing violin] It's my new act. Gonzo fiddles while George Burns.
George Burns: I like that joke. It's a pleasure to hear something that's older than I am.


"The Muppet Show: Pearl Bailey (#3.5)" (1978)
Kermit: Now listen. This is a great chance for you. Besides, in the same jousting scene, you get to fight the Black Knight.
Floyd: Who is the Black Knight?
Kermit: Well, that's part of the fun. You see, no one will know. It's kept a complete and absolute mystery.
[the Black Knight enters, sporting a distinctive hook-nosed helmet]
The Great Gonzo: The world will forever wonder who I am!
Kermit: Though some may harbor suspicions.