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: Ma, I'm having a crisis, why don't you have anything sweet in the house? Sylvia Fine
: I threw it all out. According to my weight chart, I should be 7 foot 1. Val Toriello
: Why don't you try to solve your problems the way normal people do? Without food. Fran Sheffield
: [looks at Sylvia
] You wanna try it?
: His in-laws have money, when you have that much, you can find out anything about anybody. Fran Sheffield
: Oh my God, what could they find out about me, Val? I did a lot of stupid things, does that mean I remember them all? Val Toriello
: Well you did spend a night in jail, but they let you go once you proved it was just powdered sugar on your nostril. Fran Sheffield
: Oh yeah. Val Toriello
: And in high school you spent a lot of time in the principal's office, does that really mean you're responsible for his divorce? Fran Sheffield
: That's enough, Val. Val Toriello
: And remember the time you went to Alcapulco? Sylvia Fine
: When were you in Alcapulco? Fran Sheffield
: She means the restaurant, remember Ma, you sold the dip? Sylvia Fine
: Oh yeah.
: Fran you're never going to believe what happened to me, someone took my tokens, stole my purse... it's like I'm cursed! Tasha
] Someone took my tokens, stole my purse, it's like I'm cursed!
: [about Fran's walk-in closet
] Ah, what a walk-in! If it had a bathroom, you could sublet. Fran Fine
: Did you smell the padded potpourri hangers? Val Toriello
: Please, I had to take an antihistamine.
: [their hotel room is ransacked by the storm
] Oh my God, Val, we're gonna die! Val Toriello
: Shouldn't our lives be flashing before our eyes? Fran Fine
: Val, we're over 30, single and in bed with each other, WHAT lives?
[after she dropped her sandwich in the coffin
] Fran Fine
: My watch is caught on his zipper. Cover for me!
[a woman walks up
] Val Toriello
: [to the approaching woman
] Her watch is caught on his zipper. Fran Fine
: [woman walks away
] You know, you are the Rain Man without the math skills!
: I can't marry someone under false pretenses! Val Toriello
: Really? Boy. You think you know a person.
: [to Val, while trying to determine the whereabouts of the missing Chester
] Where in New York does an ice cream truck play a Barbra Streisand ballad? Fran Fine
, Val Toriello
: Greenwich Village!
[the doorbell rings at the Sheffield mansion
] Fran Fine
: Oh, that's Val. You know, it's her first time to the mansion and she's my best friend, so I just want her to drop dead. Niles
: How thoughtful. I'll leave, you pose.
[as Niles gets and opens the door, Fran strikes a pose for Val
] Val Toriello
: [with a look of amazement on her face as she enters the mansion
] I'm droppin' dead. Niles
: [to Fran
] Mission accomplished.
: [about Fran's lawyer uncle
] He's strictly pro bono. Val Toriello
: Really? Well I'm glad he's not representing me because I'm pro-Cher.
: Would you care for a doughnut, Yetta? Yetta Rosenberg
: [looking at the platter of doughnuts
] None of these have bones in 'em, do they? Val Toriello
: No! Val Toriello
: [rethinking her answer
] The bear claws might.
: [Their car has broken down and they are on foot. To Sylvia:
] You know, we've been walking for three hours, how cannot you be hungry? Fran Fine
: [Turns to Sylvia, suspicious. Calmly:
] Ma, did you eat my edible underwears? Sylvia Fine
: [long pause
] Maybe. Fran Fine
[slaps Sylvia on the arm
] Fran Fine
: We were gonna ration my undies. Sylvia Fine
: [Voice goes up
] I was nervous! You know I always eat when I'm nervous! Fran Fine
] Nervous, happy, sad, swimming!
: Why can't I lose weight? Maybe I should see a therapist to help me stop eating. You know, it's the only thing I haven't tried besides diet and exercising.
: It's spring, Fran. Everyone gets a little hot and bothered. You know, the Discovery Channel says it affects all living orgasms.
[Fran and Val borrow a film line when discussing Maxwell.
: He's handsome. He's young. Alright, he's forty-two, but he's a nice man, a good catch. True? Val
: Are you hanging up stockings? Fran Fine
: No, I thought we'd use a pair of my Hanes because then we get doubles.
: Fran, I remember the tattoo being a lot higher on your tush. Fran Fine
: It was, Val!
: [about catching Maggie smoking
] So, what are you going to do? Tell Mr. Sheffield? Fran Fine
: Oh, no. I could never betray Maggie's trust like that. Then she'd start telling on me.
: [about Sylvia
] Why is she the one that always gives me that warm, fuzzy feeling? Val Toriello
: 'Cause she don't wax her chin.
: Well Fran, you know what they say...
[there is an extremely long pause
] Fran Fine
] What, Val? Val Toriello
: No, really, *you* know what they say, Fran. You're far more the sophisticate than I.