Quinn Morgendorffer
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Quotes for
Quinn Morgendorffer (Character)
from "Daria" (1997)

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"Daria: Quinn the Brain (#2.3)" (1998)
Quinn: Thanks a lot! You're making me do my own homework!
Daria: That IS a scary thought.

Quinn: Yeah, I might do writing for a career. It's not like real work or anything.
Sandi: Really. I mean, how hard it is to type stuff?
Quinn: And there are lots of opportunities. Like, did you know they pay money for those poems in greeting cards?
Stacy Rowe: Oh no! I've been giving away my poems for free!
Daria: [Daria puts her head in her locker] Do me a favor.
Jane: Yeah?
Daria: Close my locker.

Jeffy: [reading Quinn's poem] The greasy fry / It cannot lie / Its truth is written / On your thighs.
Joey: Wow. That's amazing.
Jamie: Genius.
Quinn: I know.
[Daria and Jane overhear the commotion]
Daria: Hold it, I think I feel a poem coming on.
Daria: Sorry, false alarm.

[Daria sees Quinn dressed in all black]
Daria: Did a mime crawl in here and die?
Quinn: I'm putting together an outfit. For your information, this is how deep people dress.
Daria: Yeah, deeply affected people.

Quinn: Does this black match?
Daria: Matches my mood.

Quinn: So I wrote a stupid essay. What's everyone making such a big deal about?
Jane: Well you know, condition people to expect nothing and the least little something gets them all excited. Ask Pavlov.
Quinn: The custodian?
Jane: Never mind. Return to your world and I'll return to mine.

Daria: You must be very excited about what people are calling you.
Quinn: What?
Jane: Brains Morgendorffer.
Quinn: Come on, because of one little essay?
Daria: It's a slippery slope. Behold, the future.
[Gestures to a table of geeks, one of whom is blowing milk out of his nose and making everybody else laugh]
Quinn: Ew!
Jane: Last week, they were trying out for football, then they won one debate tournament.
Quinn: What am I gonna do? I can't be a brain! My friends will hate me!
Daria: Yes, but just think of all the new friends you'll make in Chess Club.

Jane Lane: Condition people to expect nothing and the least little something gets them all excited, ask Pavlov.
Quinn Morgendorffer: The custodian?
Jane Lane: Whoa. Never mind. Return to your world, and I'll return to mine.

Quinn Morgendorffer: Mom, Dad, making you happy is the greatest reward I could ask for. Of course, when other kids get a good grade, they sometimes get, like, a little present.
Helen Morgendorffer: Now, Quinn, I really think...
Jake Morgendorffer: [Interrupts] I'll handle this. You're absolutely right, sweetheart. You got an A, you should be rewarded. Here you go!
Quinn Morgendorffer: Thanks, dad.
Daria Morgendorffer: Wait, isn't that a double standard?
Jake Morgendorffer: Huh?
Daria Morgendorffer: You just gave her a twenty for getting one A. What about all the As I get for free?
Jake Morgendorffer: Yeah, but this is a special occasion, so Quinn gets a special reward; It's a motivational thing.
Daria Morgendorffer: But won't that demotivate your other daughter whose work is consistently good?
Helen Morgendorffer: Yes, Jake, where are you going with this?
Jake Morgendorffer: I wasn't finished. Daria should have a consistent reward for her consistently good work.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Hey!
Jake Morgendorffer: And Quinn should have a special one time reward for her one time effort.
Daria Morgendorffer: But what about a higher reward for maintaining a standard of excellence over time, perhaps with compound interest?
Jake Morgendorffer: ...
[Tosses his wallet to Helen]
Jake Morgendorffer: Here, just take it! Helen, I told you I was no good at this parenting crap!

"Daria: Gifted (#2.8)" (1998)
Quinn: And why do they call them tennis bracelets, anyway? It sounds like some sort of sweat band, if you ask me. I'd call them wrist ornaments, doesn't that sound festive?
Jane: Take... her... NOW.
Daria: This story I've gotta hear.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: I don't like the idea of you staying here alone, anyway.
Quinn: Why? I'm not afraid.
Daria: Yeah. Why should you be afraid? Of mass murderers, serial killers, torturers, cannibals... puppy kickers?

Tiffany Blum-Deckler: Does this make me look fat?
Quinn: No way!
Tiffany Blum-Deckler: [returns in a different outfit] Does this make me look fat?
Quinn: ...No.
Tiffany Blum-Deckler: [returns in a another outfit] Does this make me look fat?
Quinn: You're not freaking fat, okay?

Quinn: I mean, he was really nice and cute and stuff, but he was only two inches taller than me. And my entire shoe-collection is based on the concept of dating guys three inches taller than me, or more.

Jane: [Quinn is at Jane's doorstep] What are *you* doing here?
Quinn: Um, I need to use your phone.
Jane: What's wrong with your phone?
Quinn: Nothing. Can I spend the night?
Jane: Are you kidding?
Quinn: My mother says I can't stay home alone.
Jane: I won't say a word. I'll even spring for the keg, but you have to pay for the dry cleaning.
Quinn: It's too last-minute to throw a party.
Jane: Then just talk on the phone all night. Ask your friends, if they could be a nail polish, what color they would be and why.
Quinn: I'm sick of that game.
Jane: You're afraid to go home.
Quinn: I am not!
Jane: Sorry, no vacancies.
[tries to close door]
Quinn: [pushes door open against Jane] All right, I'm afraid! There's mass serial puppy killers and stuff. Come on. Please?
Jane: I'm going to regret this.
[Lets Quinn in]
Jane: Nevermind, I already do.

Quinn: Don't worry, I'll take good care of the house while you're gone.
Daria: You mean like last time, when you had that keg party and Jeffy threw up in Mom's closet?
Quinn: He did not! It was Jerome.

Quinn: I don't get abstract art. Who wants to look at a bunch of squiggly six-eyed people when you can get those really pretty cat paintings on the shopping network? Not that I would ever waste money on art.
Trent Lane: Hey, Janey. You got any money?
Quinn: Money? Are you going out? I wouldn't mind going out for a while. Of course, I don't know if I'd want to go out with someone dressed like that.
Trent Lane: Uh, who are you?
Jane: You remember Quinn, Daria's sister?
Trent Lane: Oh, yeah. Daria's sister. Hey.
Quinn: Excuse me, I have a name.
Trent Lane: Right. Daria's sister.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: So, Jodie, do you belong to any clubs?
Daria: You don't have to answer that.
Jodie Abigail Landon: I'm president of the French Club, vice president of Student Council, editor of yearbook, and I'm also on the tennis team.
Jake Morgendorffer: Daria, why aren't you on the tennis team?
Daria: Because it's classified as a sport.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Speaking of sports, Jodie, do you know Kevin Thompson? He and Daria did a science project together.
Jodie Abigail Landon: Oh, sure. Kevin's great...
[softly to Daria]
Jodie Abigail Landon: at smashing beer cans with his head.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: I don't know why Daria doesn't hang around with him and his gang more.
Daria: For the same reason I don't sleep with my head packed in ice.

"Daria: Too Cute (#1.9)" (1997)
Quinn: So you see, when you contribute to my surgery, it's like we're all sharing my surgery. We're making a statement about solidarity.
Andrea: Solidarity?
Quinn: You know, sisterhood is powerful.
Andrea: Aren't you even a *little* worried that there might be a Hell?

Ms. Angela Li: [Voiceover on intercom] Ms. Barch, will you please send Daria Morgendorffer to the office? Her sister...
Quinn: Cousin!
Ms. Angela Li: - her "cousin" needs to see her.

Quinn: I'm a mess, and it'll cost six thousand dollars to fix.
Daria: You're not really going to take that woman seriously, are you? She earns her living making people feel bad about their looks.
Quinn: You're just mad because she figured you out. Dr. Shar is really smart about people.
Daria: [Daria opens the box Dr. Shar gave her] Oh, yeah, she's got my number, all right. "Dr. Shar's Pre-Implant Temporary Bust Augmentations: For evaluational purposes only." She knew just what I needed:
[Lifts object out of box]
Daria: Practice boobs.

Helen: What was wrong with Brooke's old nose?
Quinn: It wasn't cute. It had, like, an extra bone in it.
Daria: Hey, it's almost time for dessert. Can we discuss liposuction now?

Daria: Listen, Quinn...
Quinn: You know, maybe I should get boobs. I bet if I got some boobs on credit, I can get the rest of the money in no time.
Daria: Quinn...
Quinn: Or maybe Dr. Shar will give me a part time job sweeping up fat or something.
Daria: Quinn...
Quinn: I mean, I like being attractive and popular. It's, like, me, okay? So if Dr. Shar makes everyone else attractive and popular, then I'll have to be even more attractive just to keep up, and then if they, like, go back her to catch up to me, then I'll have to go back, and pretty soon it'll be like one of those vicious things! Where will it end Daria? Where will it end?
Daria: You don't need surgery, Quinn. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, and I'll deny I every said it, but there's nothing wrong with you... physically. You've got the kind of looks that make other girls mentally ill. So stop it. You don't need any plastic surgery. You're perfect.
Quinn: Why do I even bother talking to you?

Helen: I just don't like the idea of you girls talking about cosmetic surgery. Maybe when you're older, and you're doing it for yourself, or there's a sound professional reason for it. I mean, you need to be presentable. Yes, it's a double standard, but women in business are judged on their looks, and there's no getting around that. But breast implants? I just don't know.
Quinn: Right.
Helen: I mean, when a woman is elected president, it won't be because she got breast implants.
Daria: At least she'll have her people deny it.

Quinn: [Quinn is looking into her mirror and pushing the tip of her nose up with a finger; she does this several times, with Daria looking on from the doorway, before we hear a loud "snap"] Ow!
Daria: Wanna borrow my stapler?
Quinn: Ugh!
[Quinn stomps over and slams the door in Daria's face]

Daria in 'Is It Fall Yet?' (2000) (TV)
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Daria, I'm serious, I'm not going to let you sit around the house all summer.
Daria Morgendorffer: Fine, I'll LIE around the house all summer.

David Sorenson: I see here that you took European History last year. I guess there's no need repeating that.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Oh yeah, Napoleon, Waterworld, the A la Carta...
David Sorenson: Hmm...
[Makes a note]
David Sorenson: Revisit European History.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Daria, you need to be more tolerant. You know what they say, 'judge and be judged'.
Daria Morgendorffer: And I judge myself unfit for human contact.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: That's exactly what you *will* be if you don't learn to interact with the rest of us. You keep hiding your real face behind that anti-social mask, and one day that mask will be your face. I'm not going to let that happen. You're working at that camp.

David Sorenson: But when the workers stormed the Bastille, they only found seven prisoners and one of THEM was the Marquis de Sade.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Eww.
David Sorenson: That's more or less the way THEY felt.

Quinn Morgendorffer: So David was right. I *am* superficial.
Daria Morgendorffer: At least you know your strengths.
[notices the sad look on Quinn's face]
Daria Morgendorffer: He really called you that?
Quinn Morgendorffer: He said he only dates girls with "depth."
Daria Morgendorffer: How did it even come up?
[Quinn doesn't answer]
Daria Morgendorffer: Oh, boy. You asked *him* out?
[Quinn starts crying]
Daria Morgendorffer: Quinn, you're... um... not as superficial as you act. I'm sure you just feel obliged to stress the moronic aspects of your personality so you'll fit in better with the fashion drones. Like a mask you wear 'cause you think they wouldn't like the real you.
Quinn Morgendorffer: You mean sort of the way you keep people away by being really unfriendly and stuff?
Daria Morgendorffer: Hey, we're talking about you here.

Ms. Li: [over the school intercom] Welcome back students. And remember, the school nurse is in and ready to take your voluntary urine samples. Show your Lawndale High spirit with the gift of urine.
Sandi Griffin, Quinn Morgendorffer, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, Stacy Rowe: Ewwww!

Quinn Morgendorffer: But that's not fair. I didn't have time to study with my Fashion Club duties. Don't extracurricular activities count for anything?

"Daria: I Don't (#2.4)" (1998)
[Helen is drunk at Erin's wedding]
Jake Morgendorffer: Helen, um, you're being kind of loud.
Helen Morgendorffer: Oh, no! We don't want a *scene*, do we? We don't want to spoil the *lovely* wedding that *lovely* Mother spent so much *lovely* money on.

Daria Morgendorffer: I don't think you've thought this through. What do you do with the hostages one you get to the airport?
Jane Lane: They're coming with me. We're talking party plane. All the way to Libya.
Helen Morgendorffer: [On the front porch, Daria and Jane can hear Helen on the phone] Rita, that's so wonderful. I'm so happy for you! You and Erin both.
Daria Morgendorffer: Ah, you'd better take a hike.
Jane Lane: Why?
Daria Morgendorffer: My mom's talking to my Aunt Rita. This isn't going to be pretty.
Jane Lane: Gotcha. Later, huh?
Daria Morgendorffer: That remains to be seen.

Aunt Amy Barksdale: [Amy is giving her car keys to the valet] I don't mind a few dents, but change the radio station and you're a dead man.
Aunt Rita Barksdale: Amy, how delightful. I thought you weren't coming.
Aunt Amy Barksdale: I wasn't, but I thought if you two could put aside years of bitterness and resentment, then so can I... for a day.
Aunt Rita Barksdale: Oh, Amy, why do you say such ridiculous things?
Aunt Amy Barksdale: Out loud? So, Jake. You're still with Helen, huh? Shows remarkable fortitude. And Roger. How's the skydiving going?
Helen Morgendorffer: Amy, Roger passed away. This is Paul.
Aunt Rita Barksdale: Oh. Sorry Paul. How do you do?
Paul: Who's Roger?
Quinn Morgendorffer: He fell onto a cow.
Paul: Ick!
Daria Morgendorffer: And he was one of the lucky ones.
Helen Morgendorffer: Girls!
Aunt Amy Barksdale: Hey, what's the point of a senseless tragedy if you can't find a little humor in it? I like the way you think, Daria.
[Daria smiles]

Aunt Rita Barksdale: [Rita and Helen are both drunk and crying] I love you, Helen!
Helen Morgendorffer: I love you too, Rita!
[Helen takes a long sip from a wine bottle]

Jake Morgendorffer: I don't know why you didn't let me bring my golf clubs.
Helen Morgendorffer: Jake, we're here to see my family, not to have fun.

Erin's Bridesmaid: You must be Erin's cousins.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I am, but Daria's her...
[speaks quietly]
Quinn Morgendorffer: cousin.
Erin's Bridesmaid: What?
Quinn Morgendorffer: Never mind.
Daria Morgendorffer: Actually, I'm in the witness protection program. The Morgendorffers were kind enough to take me in after my real family was exterminated by the mob.

"Daria: College Bored (#1.3)" (1997)
Daria: One more time: I am *not* taking a college prep course! Actually, I may just skip college and stay home. It'll save me the trouble of moving back in later.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [Jake swerves into traffic in response, barely avoiding another car before straightening out] Watch the road! Daria, if you don't get into a decent school your life will be ruined. End of discussion.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Way to go, Mom! She can't get her way all the time.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Actually, Quinn, it wouldn't hurt if you took the course too.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Wait a minute!
Daria: Maybe we can sit together!

Daria: Then we filled out this worksheet, and that was pretty much it. Money well spent, since it wasn't my money.
Quinn Morgendorffer: You left out the best part.
Daria: Getting a date with the instructor is only the best part to you.
Quinn Morgendorffer: It's not a date. We're meeting to discuss scholarship options.
Jake Morgendorffer: Scholarship? Way to go, sweetie.
Daria: There's no such thing as a making-out scholarship.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Uh, excuse me, but I think he would know better than you.

Quinn Morgendorffer: Anyway, the best part, I meant, was the trip.
Jake Morgendorffer: What trip?
Quinn Morgendorffer: We have to visit a college of our choosing.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Great! We'll go to Middleton!
Jake Morgendorffer: We'll all head up to the old alma mater this weekend!
Quinn Morgendorffer: Wait! We get to pick the college, and no one said you could come.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: But Quinn, your father and I would love it if you kids followed in our footsteps.
Quinn Morgendorffer: We're walking? Ugh!
Daria: [to Helen] Maybe we should visit your old nursery school first.

Jake Morgendorffer: [Daria walks in the living room and sees the rest of her family seated] Hey, Daria! Come on in!
Daria: Uh... what happened?
Quinn Morgendorffer: Nothing - only somebody in this family turned out to be college material.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Quinn was accepted to Manatee College in Florida!
Quinn Morgendorffer: Remember those stupid worksheets we had to fill out for that course? Mine won.
Jake Morgendorffer: I'm so proud of you, honey.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Manatee... it sounds kind of European, don't you think?
Daria: Uh, did you guys read this letter?
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Yes, and it says right there that she's in.
Daria: And here at the bottom it also says, "Manatee College has no classes, but offers beachfront accommodations at a cost of $10,000 per semester."
Quinn Morgendorffer: That's even better than we thought, right, Dad?
Jake Morgendorffer: [Snatches letter from Daria] Give me that!

Jane: [Last lines] All in all, then, the whole college experience kind of sucked.
Daria: Pretty much.
Jane: Does that mean *these* are the best years of our lives?
Daria: I hope not.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Ugh!
[Quinn throws her soda in the instructor's face]
Quinn Morgendorffer: I should have known Daria was right about that making-out scholarship!
Daria: But you've gotta admit, there are some pretty choice moments.

Quinn Morgendorffer: [the car the Morgendorffers are in runs over road kill] Daddy!
Jake Morgendorffer: It was dead already, sweetheart. Just like the others.
Quinn Morgendorffer: How do you know?
Daria: You didn't hear any screaming, did you?
Quinn Morgendorffer: I think people who run over animals should get run over themselves to see how they like it.
Daria: What about unpopular animals?
Quinn Morgendorffer: Unpopular animals don't count.
Daria: What about the stupid ones?
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Come on, girls. We'll be at Susan and Doug's soon.
Daria: Hooray.
Jake Morgendorffer: It'll be fun. You can hang out with Ramona.
Daria: Ramona's three.

"Daria: The Invitation (#1.2)" (1997)
[Daria and Quinn are walking to school]
Quinn: Stop following me. You're following me.
Daria: Quinn, we go to the same school.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: I think it's great that you two are going to be spending time together. Dad and I would be happy to drive you to the party and pick you up.
Daria, Quinn: NO!

[leaving a Party]
Quinn: It was kind of... what's that thing, when stuff turns out funny? Moronic?
Jane: I think you mean ironic.
Daria: She was right the first time.

Quinn: Tell Daria she can't go to Brittany's party. My popularity is at stake.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Now, don't begrudge your sister a chance to expand her circle of friends.
Quinn: Maybe now she'll have two.
Daria: Touché, Quinn.
Quinn: And don't think you're confusing me with that French! You should ground her! Because... her room is a mess!
Daria: If I go down for that one, I'm taking you with me.
Quinn: Wait, here's something worse! I asked her to do my homework for me, and she made me pay!
[Jake and Helen turn and stare at Quinn]
Quinn: ... Nevermind.

Jeffy: Hey, Quinn, can I carry your books?
Joey: Hey, Quinn, can I carry your... pencil?
Jamie White: Hey, Quinn, can I carry your, uh, um... got anything else?
Quinn: A hair scrunchie?
Jamie White: Great!
Daria: Careful. Don't hurt yourself with that scrunchie.

Quinn: Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Joey: You need some help?
Jeffy: I'll go with you.
Quinn: It's the *bathroom!*

"Daria: This Year's Model (#1.6)" (1997)
Helen: These people sound like opportunists feeding off the vanity of naïve young people. I pity the kids who get sucked in by them, and I pity their poor parents.
Quinn: Mom! Dad! Guess what: I've been accepted into a really exclusive modeling class.
Quinn: [everybody silently looks at Quinn] What?

Helen: I don't think you realize that modeling is an extremely competative activity...
Quinn: [interrupts] So's dating. If you do it right.
Helen: ...In which your value as a human being is decided entirely on the basis of how you look.
Quinn: When does the bad part come in?

Quinn: You gotta let me do this, you always say I can be anything I wanna be!
Helen: Yes. We do say that.
Daria: That reminds me: May I become queen of Brazil?

Claude: Now, girls, you're little kittens in an animal shelter. You have to look sad and helpless so someone will adopt you, or else it's kitty heaven.
Quinn: That's so sad!
Stacy Rowe: You really get the idea he's been there.
Jane: [Jane and Daria are in the audience watching from afar]
Jane: Kitty heaven?
Daria: How does he know they're not going to kitty hell?

Quinn: I'm writing a poem about what a great model I'd be. I'm going to recite it for Claude and Romonica.
[arises and clears throat]
Quinn: "A model's what I'd like to be / Looking good comes naturally / Da da da da, da da, me."
Daria: That's it, send the other girls home.

"Daria: The New Kid (#2.7)" (1998)
Daria: You tried to buy my influence with a date?
Quinn: Well, that's how we do it in America, comrade.

Quinn: [club pages have been cut from the yearbook] But you can't be serious about this!
Daria: Listen, Ted has a point.
Quinn: Aha! It's that boy! So it's about love, is it?
Daria: It is not about love!
Quinn: Alright, keep it your secret to cherish always, but just because you're going out -
Daria: Ted and I are *not* going out!
Quinn: Whatever! Just tell loverboy we want our yearbook back!
Daria: Did you hear that? You just used the verb "want" with the noun "book."
Quinn: Save the math games for your boyfriend.

Quinn: Look, when you get thrown off a horse, you have to get back up and shoot it, right?
Daria: I guess so.

Helen: Who is Ted and why haven't you told us about him, and is he trying to get you to join a cult?
Daria: Oh, brother.
Jake Morgendorffer: He calls himself brother? You mean like Brother Ted?
Daria: No, like, "Oh, brother, you're all crazy." Ted is a nice guy from yearbook. He's odd, but he's not in a cult. And for the last time, we are *not* going out!
[Daria exits]
Helen: She's obviously lying.
Jake Morgendorffer: Absolutely.
Quinn: No question.

Quinn: Hey! Check it out! My web page just had 2500 hits in just the last three hours!
Daria: Really? I can beat that.
Quinn: You don't even have a web page.
Daria: No, but I can hit.
Quinn: [the door closes; sounds of Daria hitting Quinn are audible] Ow! Ow! Mom! Dad! Help!

"Daria: The Teachings of Don Jake (#1.12)" (1997)
Daria: We're out in the middle of nowhere, nobody knows we're here, we have no way to contact anyone, and our parents have gone insane.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Yes.
Daria: This is really scary, Quinn.
Quinn Morgendorffer: But why did they go insane?
Daria: Knowing Dad and his excellent woodland skills, I'd say it was the berries. Except...
Quinn Morgendorffer: It couldn't have been the berries.
Daria: That's what I think, because you ate the berries, too, and you seem okay.
Quinn Morgendorffer: No, I meant because those weren't the glitter berries.
Daria: Glitter berries?
[Quinn's pupils are now revealed to be dilated]
Quinn Morgendorffer: You know, the glitter berries! The ones that fill your mouth with beautiful sparkling glitter when you bite into them. *Those* are the ones that make you act weird. I mean, until you spread your shimmering wings and fly away.
Daria: Uh-oh.

Quinn Morgendorffer: [telling campfire stories at night] So Cinderella said, "I can't go to the ball in these rags." And her fairy godmother waved her wand and behold, she was wearing a gown of silver and gold. Big clunky silver and gold sequins, like you wouldn't wear to one of those seventies nostalgia proms, much less a formal party at a palace. And when she went to check out herself in the mirror, the one that usually made her look thin, instead she looked bloated...
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Quinn, honey, are you *sure* this is a scary story?
Quinn Morgendorffer: Wait! I haven't gotten to the shoes yet!

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [telling campfire stories at night] "You're a vampire?" she whispered to the pale stranger with the brooding eyes. She felt her bosom blush and heave with excitement. "You've come to take my blood!" "Your blood?" he laughed. "Oh, there's time enough to take your blood. Tonight I'm going to take your..."
[Jake, scared, signals at Helen to end the story]
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: "Take your pulse! To make sure that, you know, the blood will be there when I come back."
[Daria and Quinn glare with boredom at Helen]

[Daria and Quinn are in their tent. Only their eyes can be seen]
Quinn Morgendorffer: Daria?
Daria: Yes, Quinn?
Quinn Morgendorffer: Do you feel weird sharing a tent?
Daria: As long as it's with you and not a bear, I guess I'm okay with it.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Remember when we were little and we shared a room?
Daria: Yes, Quinn.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I hated that.
Daria: So did I.
Quinn Morgendorffer: It's fun to reminisce, isn't it?
Daria: You bet.

"Daria: Road Worrier (#1.11)" (1997)
Quinn: Can I have 29.95 for a removable nose ring? No piercing required!
Daria: Good idea. You don't need any more holes in your head.

Helen: [Quinn, at the dinner table, is showing her temporary tattoo] Quinn, what is that thing on your arm?
Quinn: Don't worry, mom! It's fake.
Daria: Aww, you got a tattoo to match your personality.

Quinn: Hey, Mom, did you go to any festivals back in the sixties?
Helen: Oh, sure. I did my share of partying.
Daria: You mean you experimented with...
Helen: No!

Helen: Your father went to one of the most famous festivals of the decade.
Quinn: Woodstock?
Jake Morgendorffer: Altamont! Terrible tragedy, but I demanded my money back and I got it.
Daria: Wasn't Altamont free?
Jake Morgendorffer: That's the same line they tried to use on me.

"Daria: Monster (#2.6)" (1998)
Quinn Morgendorffer: Is that my movie? Can I see?
Daria: Sorry, but that would interfere with the creative process.
Jane: See, we're like artists, and this is how we express ourselves. You understand.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I can't wait to see it. I just hope I don't sound stupid or anything.
[short laugh]
Quinn Morgendorffer: Not that I would.
Daria: Perish the thought.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I just, I know that sometimes certain types of people, jealous people, might think, who does she think she is? Because I sometimes think that. But I can't let myself go on too long thinking that.
Daria: Or anything else.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I mean, sometimes I'm walking down the hall with Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany, and suddenly I'm outside of myself, watching, and it's, like, "Who are these girls? Can't they talk about anything besides guys, and clothes, and cars?" But then, what would we talk about? You have to be good at something. You're good at your reading and writing and stuff, and you're good at your little paintings.
Jane: They are minuscule, aren't they?
Quinn Morgendorffer: I figure, being attractive and popular, that's what I'm good at. Maybe it's not that important, but, you know, it's what I can do.
[Quinn leaves the room]
Daria: [Feeling guilty] Aw, hell.
Jane: Yeah...

Quinn Morgendorffer: Thanks for driving us here, Aaron.
Zachary: It's Zachary.
Quinn Morgendorffer: That's what I said. But shopping is kind of a girl thing. Maybe you could meet us after or something.
Zachary: But what will I do in the meantime?
Quinn Morgendorffer: I don't know. Do you have any shopping to do? Maybe there's someone special you want to get a present for.
Zachary: Um, well, you're kind of special, Quinn.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Oh, Zachary, you don't have to get me a present. If you ask for Theresa in Junior 5 and tell her it's for Quinn, she'll help you out.
Daria: [to Jane, who is supposed to be recording Quinn but instead the facial products at the mall] Did you get that? I hope you got that.
Jane: Did you know pore refiner spelled backwards is renifer erop?
Daria: [Snatches the camera from Jane] Give me that!

Quinn Morgendorffer: [used as a hook phrase, for Daria and Jane's video project] By the way, which is my best side? I know they're both good.

"Daria: Antisocial Climbers (#4.2)" (2000)
Quinn: OK, Daria's talking, so I have to leave now.

Helen: Well, how was the field trip after the snow stopped? Did you girls learn anything?
Quinn: I learned that sometimes being too well dressed can work against you. Who would've thought that one's fashion sense could have a dark side. The normally life-affirming act of choosing an outfit...
Helen: [Interrupts] YES, Quinn. And what about you, Daria?
Daria: I came to the realization that given a choice between sharing shelter with my fellow students or risking death by blindly marching into a blizzard, it's blizzard-ho for me.

Daria: [Deadpan] Hey Quinn, I need to borrow your neck insulator thingy to go out on this highly dangerous and potentially doomed rescue mission, okay?
Quinn: [Breathy] Whatever, I've got my own problems.
Daria: Please, stop the sisterly tears of concern, you're making a scene.

"Daria: Lane Miserables (#3.8)" (1999)
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [Jane jogs past Helen, who is power-walking] Jane!
Jane: Oh, hi, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Didn't see you there.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: It's okay. Speed-walkers have thick skins. Jane, since you're staying with us and all, I thought... well, you're Daria's best friend, and she's, she's so hard to talk to these days...
Jane: Maximum of three questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Agreed. Drugs?
Jane: Nope, unless you count TV.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Depressed?
Jane: No, just realistic.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Sex?
[Jane just looks at her]
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Oh, that's too obvious. Can I have another one?

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Jake, do you ever worry that our children are becoming strangers to us?
Jake Morgendorffer: Stranger than us? What's so strange about us?
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: I try and try to keep the channels of communication open. What more can I do?
Jake Morgendorffer: Look under the mattress for a diary? I mean... by accident, of course.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Honestly, Jake. Sometimes I wonder if you know even the most rudimentary facts about our girls. How old is Quinn?
Jake Morgendorffer: Uh... 11... ish? That was a guesstimate.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Jake, what's my middle name?
Jake Morgendorffer: [Long silence] ... It's got a... K, right?

"Daria: Fire! (#4.12)" (2000)
[Daria orders an extraordinarily juicy hamburger from a hotel]
Quinn Morgendorffer: Ewww. You're not going to eat that fat, are you?
Daria Morgendorffer: No. I'm going to stick it in my boots, 'cuz I love the squishy, squishy feeling 'round my toes.

Jake Morgendorffer: Say, honey... you don't think we should be worried about this stalker guy, do you?
Helen Morgendorffer: Quinn says he's just a nice, young man who wants a date, and the rest of it's in her friend, Sandi's head... improbable as that sounds.

"Daria: Depth Takes a Holiday (#3.4)" (1999)
Quinn: What was that?
Daria: My imaginary friend fell down.
Quinn: God, Daria. Even your imaginary friends are embarrassing.

Quinn: Daria we've got to do something about mom and da -... what's going on?
Daria: I've got three fugitive holidays staying in my room. How's your day going?
Quinn: Great. Now who are they, really?
Daria: As stupid as it sounds, these are actual holiday spirits on the run from the law.
Quinn: That's the problem with you brains; you think lying is child's play.
Daria: See, cupid shot mom and dad full of love so I'd help him get these guys back to holiday island.
Quinn: ...Are you taking some kind of experimental depression medicine?
Daria: Of course not.
Quinn: Too bad, you're going to need it when the new baby arrives.

"Daria: Speedtrapped (#3.10)" (1999)
[Daria struggles to drive on a busy freeway]
Quinn Morgendorffer: Tense?
Daria Morgendorffer: No, there's a lot of stuff going on. You have no idea how complicated driving is.
Quinn Morgendorffer: It's not that hard.
Daria Morgendorffer: How would you know?
[tractor-trailer whizzed by blowing it's horn at her]
Daria Morgendorffer: Dah! A giant truck!

Daria Morgendorffer: [Daria and Quinn are debating about picking up a hitchhiker] Mom and Dad would crucify us.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Right, but taking the car out for a hundred-mile joyride won't bother them at all. Face it, Daria, you're already accessorizing.
Daria Morgendorffer: You mean I'm an accessory.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Whatever.

"Daria: Fat Like Me (#5.3)" (2001)
Quinn Morgendorffer: I'm going to make you fit to go out in public again.
Sandi Griffin: What?
Quinn Morgendorffer: Now that your cast is off, I'm here to help you lose weight.
Sandi Griffin: Oh, Quinn, can't you see that it's too late? My life is over.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Sandi, you're not 30. Now let's get started.
[Quinn puts an aerobics tape into Sandi's VCR]
Aerobics Instructor: [on tape] I know it's hard to believe, but I once weighed over a hundred pounds.

Quinn Morgendorffer: [On the phone with Stacy] You can't let Gina into the Fashion Club. Her teeth are thick. Heidi? With the clogs?

"Daria: Jake of Hearts (#3.9)" (1999)
[Quinn is practising to be a surgeon by playing Operation]
Quinn: Darn it! I thought this surgery thing would be a lot easier.
Daria: Don't worry. When you operate on real people, their noses don't light up.

Quinn: [Daria walks in on Quinn reading a book on heart surgery] Ugh! This is SO frustrating! Daria, have you ever read this book?
Daria: "Thrombocytopenic Complications After Stent Placement Post-Coronary Artery Angioplasty." Maybe you should start off with something easier; many coloring books feature hearts - and rainbows.

"Daria: Pinch Sitter (#1.8)" (1997)
Quinn: [On the phone with the Gupty's] She's Kidding Mrs. Gupty, my sister's a big kidder, HA HA Daria.
Daria: Ha Ha Quinn.

Sick, Sad World Announcer: They bake cookies by day, but the really heat up at night! G-String Grandmas, tonight on Sick, Sad World.
Quinn: Gross!
Daria: For once, we're in agreement.

"Daria: Groped by an Angel (#4.11)" (2000)
Quinn: If I hadn't got up that minute, that thing would have hit my head.
Daria: Or something vital.

Daria: [Quinn is watching TV] Quinn, you're watching an educational program.
Quinn: Eh, what's the difference? My angel is gone.
Daria: Maybe he's just stuck in the engine of a jumbo jet.

"Daria: The Daria Hunter (#2.2)" (1998)
Sandi Griffin: No matter what happens we won't shoot at each other and mess up our outfits.
[holds up fashion magazine and swears on it]
Sandi Griffin: If I fire at a fellow fashion club member, may I wear brown pants with an elastic waste for a whole week.
Quinn: If I fire, I'll wear toe-pantyhoses. The shiny kind.
Stacy Rowe: Stonewashed jeans!
Tiffany Blum-Deckler: Glasses.

Daria: Mom, I think you've already demonstrated your involvement by pretending you're going out of town whenever Mr. O'Neill calls about school review meetings.
Helen: That man is just so... creepy. I don't suppose they need volunteers for this...
Daria, Quinn: No!
Helen: Oh, darn.

"Daria: The Big House (#1.10)" (1997)
Helen: Are you girls ready for your day in court?
Quinn: Can't you just punish us? I'd like to pay my check to society and get on with my life.
Helen: Your father and I want you to have a fair hearing. Then we'll punish you.
Daria: But a court procedure? Isn't that a little bureaucratic?
Helen: Bureaucracy is the price we pay for impartiality.
Jake: Jefferson!
Helen: Stalin. It's all about fairness, girls. That's why your father will make a terrific judge.
Jake: I get to be the judge?
[Jake pushes a large armchair in front of the TV]
Daria: Look, someone once said, "The most important thing in life is not to look like a geek." Do you have any idea how geeky all of this is?
Jake: That's it, Daria. All I can say is that I hope you have a darn good defense lawyer.
Daria: A lawyer? Mom?
Helen: Sorry, honey, I'm prosecuting. And if I do say so myself, you're going down.

Jake: Any final words before grounding official begins?
Quinn: This sucks!
Helen: What have I said about using that word?
Quinn: That you'll ground me or something?

"Daria: Malled (#1.5)" (1997)
Quinn: How will I hold my head up in the Fashion Club?
Daria: A traction pulley?
Quinn: Just because you're not interested in what's new and attractive and popular...
Daria: Oh, I'm interested. But why go a mere 100 miles away? I bet they have some fascinating malls in Southeast Asia.
Jake Morgendorffer: Southeast Asia? To go to a mall? Dammit!
Helen: Sit down, dear. It was a joke.
Jake Morgendorffer: [angrily] Oh!
Jake Morgendorffer: Oh.

"Daria: The Lost Girls (#3.6)" (1999)
Quinn Morgendorffer: "Spotlight: Lawndale Fashion Club - A Val Magazine Special Photo Spread." What do you think?
Daria Morgendorffer: I think the world's gone mad. Mad, I tell you.
Quinn Morgendorffer: This is our chance to be the next international style center.
Daria Morgendorffer: Paris. New York. Milan. Lawndale.

"Daria: I Loathe a Parade (#4.6)" (2000)
Quinn: Daria, have you seen my new Teenage Superstars magazine?
Daria: I couldn't help myself. I plastered my walls with its hot sexy pin-ups.
Quinn: I'll ask Mom.
[Quinn exits. Helen enters]
Helen: Daria, have you seen your father?
Daria: Did you look under the Teenage Superstars magazine?
Helen: I'll ask Quinn.

"Daria: The Lab Brat (#1.7)" (1997)
Helen: Quinn, how was your day?
Quinn: It sucked! First my teacher gave my paper on Cleopatra's makeup don'ts an "F"; like he would know! Then my heel broke. Then, like, the day was almost over and only two guys had asked me out. Luckily, just before...
Helen: Daria, *please* tell me about the project.
Daria Morgendorffer: It's about how behavior is affected by positive or negative reinforcement.
Helen: Sounds super!
Daria Morgendorffer: Like... say, you have a friend who responds to everything you say with, "That's great!" This insincere reply is the same whether you saved a life or killed a bug, and thus becomes "negative reinforcement," causing you to withdraw from that person or persons.
Helen: Wow. That's fantastic!
[Daria rolls her eyes]

"Daria: Camp Fear (#5.4)" (2001)
Quinn: Eww. Look how dirty those sheep are. From now on I'm only buying imported wool.

"Daria: That Was Then, This Is Dumb (#2.5)" (1998)
Quinn: Daria, you can't leave me here with those, those yuppies.
Daria: Yuppies are from the '80s.
Quinn: So what do you call people with funny outfits who talk about peace and love and stuff?
Daria: Trekkies.

"Daria: Life in the Past Lane (#5.9)" (2001)
Sandi Griffin: Is that Stacy with Upchuck?
Quinn Morgendorffer: No Way... It must be that girl that looks like Stacy until she turns around.
Tiffany Blum-Deckler: Or that girl that looks like that girl...

"Daria: Sappy Anniversary (#5.2)" (2001)
Daria: Uh, well... Tom and I have been going out for about six months, and...
Helen Morgendorffer: Oh. Um... Daria, sometimes we may think we're ready for something and it won't change anything, but we're really not and it changes everything, and in the rush to grow up we sometime forget how precious are the fleeting years before adulthood's cares...
Daria: It's not about sex.
Helen Morgendorffer: Thank God! I mean, "Oh, I see." But when you're ready, please feel free to come to me. Not that there's any hurry, nor should that statement be interpreted as some kind of encouragement.
Daria: Right.

"Daria: See Jane Run (#2.11)" (1998)
Daria: [Quinn is knocking on the door] Someone's knocking. Come in.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Hi, Daria, how's it going?
Daria: Okay. Out with it.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I was thinking that you and I could... you know, do something together.
Daria: All right, who are you, and where are you hiding Quinn?
Quinn Morgendorffer: What? Can't a sister spend time with her...
Daria: Cousin?
Quinn Morgendorffer: All right, Mom is forcing me to hang out with you.
Daria: Forcing?
Quinn Morgendorffer: I've got her gold card.
Daria: Why didn't you say so? Give me the first cash advance and you can come with me to the library.
Quinn Morgendorffer: The library? If anyone saw me there, I'd die.
Daria: Okay, then, how about the mall? You know, where your friends hang out.

"Daria: Daria! (#3.1)" (1999)
Helen Morgendorffer: [on the phone] Give me that. Hello? Trent? You haven't seen the girls? Are your parents there? Are they in town at all? Have you done anything to prepare for this hurricane? Yes, hurricane! Trent, I want you to come over and wait for the girls here. You'll be safer. Then put some on! And get over here now, young man!
[hangs up]
Helen Morgendorffer: Doesn't anybody in this town wear pants anymore?

Daria in 'Is It College Yet?' (2002) (TV)
Lindy: Quinn, I'm so glad you wanted to see A Kiss Before Heaven. I can't help myself; I'm a sucker for those tear-jerkers.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Are you kidding? I love hospital room movies. And I hate seeing them with guys. They always get mad because nothing blows up.
Lindy: Guys love explosions, and rocket attacks, and death rays. They don't understand how much more fun it is to watch someone die slowly.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I know!

"Daria: Jane's Addition (#3.13)" (1999)
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [Helen, Jake and Quinn are all offscreen, leaving the house] Meeting!
Jake Morgendorffer: Golf!
Quinn Morgendorffer: Date!
Daria Morgendorffer: Sarcasm!

"Daria: Art Burn (#5.7)" (2001)
Quinn: Mom, I need your help. This really mean guy drew an ugly picture of me and the Fashion Club at the art fair, and we want to sue for defamation of character.
Helen: Quinn, you can't sue for defamation of character; he didn't do anything to harm your reputation.
Quinn: Yes he did! He made my face look like one big freckle! Mom, the embarrassment, the pain, the suffering!
Helen: In the eyes of the law, pain and suffering are when a surgeon leaves his pager in your spleen.
Quinn: Ew! What if you were on a date and it started beeping?

"Daria: The Misery Chick (#1.13)" (1997)
Quinn Morgendorffer: So I called up Sandi, and Stacy, and Tiffany, and the Fashion Club is going to take up a collection to get safe new goal posts. Like, to honor the dead guy's memory.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Quinn, what a wonderful impulse. To make something positive come out of this devastating event.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Daria gave me that idea. She's really good at this tragic stuff.
Daria: Thanks, but it was one of the safe new goal posts that fell on him.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Oh! Well, it's the thought that counts.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: And how do you feel, Daria?
Daria: I feel great. How else could I feel? I'm the misery chick.

"Daria: Mart of Darkness (#4.9)" (2000)
[Quinn is on the phone when she breaks a shoelace]
Quinn Morgendorffer: Oh no, oh my God, oh no. Accessory emergency Stacy, I have to go. No Stacy it's not you. It's not. It's not! Okay fine, it is you, bye!
[Stacy can be heard crying as Quinn hangs up]

"Daria: Esteemsters (#1.1)" (1997)
Quinn: Nobody told me about any test!
Daria: Don't worry; It's a psychological test. You're automatically exempt.
Quinn: Oh, alright.

"Daria: The Story of 'D' (#5.5)" (2001)
Helen: Oh Lord, Rita, it's a new millennium. When will people get rid of these outmoded ideas about sex?
Helen: [to Quinn] Where's your sister?
Quinn: In her room.
Helen: Is Tom with her?
Quinn: Mom! I'm not J. Edgar Winter!

"Daria: Dye! Dye! My Darling (#4.13)" (2000)
Daria Morgendorffer: ...so that's it. Of all the guys in the world to kiss, I pick the one who's going out with my best friend. Now I don't know what's going on, I have nobody to talk to about it, and that's why I came to you.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Oh.
Daria Morgendorffer: I didn't mean it that way.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Oh. Well, it's not easy being a teenager, Daria. You have all these new feelings and sensations...
Daria Morgendorffer: Mom, spare me the puberty speech. I kissed my best friend's boyfriend.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: I'm sure it was just a one-time...
Daria Morgendorffer: Twice.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [sighs] It's a lousy situation, Daria. But you didn't set out to hurt anyone.
Daria Morgendorffer: Neither do those bus drivers who go flying off an embankment on their way to the casino.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Daria... nobody got killed.
Daria Morgendorffer: No, but I can't imagine how I could have hurt Jane more.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: What about Tom?
Daria Morgendorffer: I'm not thinking about Tom!
Daria Morgendorffer: You know... I had everything more or less under control. I'm not saying it was great, but I could deal with school, I could deal with home, and now nothing's under control.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: It never is, sweetie. We just tell ourselves otherwise so we can function.
Daria Morgendorffer: Who came up with that stupid arrangement?
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: It's called life.
Daria Morgendorffer: Life sucks.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Yes. Sometimes... often.
Daria Morgendorffer: *That's* reassuring.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: But it still beats the alternative. Honey, things will work out. I don't know how, but they will.
Daria Morgendorffer: You don't know how? What kind of parental wisdom is that?
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Honest?
Daria Morgendorffer: Don't you have to be getting back to that huge case of yours?
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Oh, don't worry about that. It's completely under control.

"Daria: Lucky Strike (#5.6)" (2001)
[Quinn reveals the actual connection between herself and Daria]
Quinn Morgendorffer: Besides, why *shouldn't* I act sisterly towards her? After all... she's my sister.
Sandi Griffin: [gasps] Did you hear that? Oh, my gosh! Quinn just admitted that weird girl is her sister!
Stacy: Well, um, of *course* she is, Sandi! We knew that.
Tiffany Blum-Deckler: We were just being polite about it.

"Daria: Write Where It Hurts (#2.13)" (1998)
Helen Morgendorffer: Daria, do you have to look at everything in such a negative light?
Daria Morgendorffer: Could you possibly be referring to the harsh light of reality?

"Daria: Just Add Water (#3.12)" (1999)
Daria: It appears the unthinkable has happened.
Quinn: Tube tops are coming back?