Harold March
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Quotes for
Harold March (Character)
from "Stacked" (2005)

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"Stacked: Pilot (#1.1)" (2005)
Gavin P. Miller: Professor, is it just me, or are the world's standards deteriorating?
Harold March: Ah, standards can kiss my ass! Standards keep people from taking chances. In the space program we had a poster up on the wall back when we were building Apollo. It said: if you wanna make an omelette, you gotta break a few eggs. The astronauts did not like that poster.

[last lines]
Stuart Miller: Oh, come on, let's hire her. She could be great for this place; add a little life around here.
Gavin P. Miller: Don't be ridiculous! Do we really want someone who's going to recommend books based on the authors' pictures?
Stuart Miller: So what!
Gavin P. Miller: She chose College of the Desert guy over Edward Berlinger!
Harold March: Edward Berlinger? I just read about him.
Gavin P. Miller: Yes, he's probably won another award.
Harold March: No, they found his wife's head in his freezer!
Skyler Dayton: Really! Hah!
Gavin P. Miller: We open at ten. Don't be late.
Harold March: Dear God! He strangled her with his Nobel prize.

Harold March: [sees Katrina coming in] Finally! Where's my coffee?
Katrina: [getting behind the counter] I dunno, where's the life I always wanted?

Harold March: At NASA, we had a poster on the wall. It said, 'If you're going to make an omelette, you've gotta break a few eggs'. The astronauts did *not* like that poster.


"Stacked: Romancing the Stones (#2.9)" (2006)
[first lines]
Harold: Good morning, Kat. I'll have... What's this?
Katrina: Oh. It's a Garfield cartoon I cut out of the paper. I think it's cute.
Harold: Well, it's not cute. A cat, who eats lasagne! The feline digestive tract couldn't possibly break down the enzymes used to make ricotta. That cat should be constantly vomiting.
Katrina: Well, it's not just about lasagne. He also hates Mondays.
Harold: Well, I, uh, you didn't tell me that.
[laughs uproariously]
Harold: Hates Mondays!

Harold: Skyler, you look so young and healthy, what on earth have you had surgery for?
[everybody stares at him]
Skyler Dayton: Uh, Harold, I had my breasts done.
Harold: Oh, dear God, they must have been enormous!

[last lines]
Harold: Gavin, I, I, I,I just want to say I'm glad you're back and your operation was a success.
Gavin P. Miller: Thanks, Harold. It really was pretty routine.
Harold: Not true. Anything can happen when you go under the knife. Mixed-up charts for example; you could go in for a gall-bladder surgery and come out with a sex change.
Gavin P. Miller: Oh come on, that doesn't happen.
Harold: Happened to my nephew. Tragic. Didn't let it get him down, though; he just threw on some strappy sandals and a tube top, and strutted out of that hospital determined to make the best of it.
Stuart Miller: He packed a tube top for gall-bladder surgery?
Harold: And a pashmina and a pair of thigh-high boots. The weather in San Francisco is very unpredictable.


"Stacked: A Fan for All Seasons (#1.3)" (2005)
Stuart Miller: Believe it or not, Harold, I *have* dated attractive women.
Harold March: Really?
Stuart Miller: Yeah. Yes, really. Remember Jeanine?
Harold March: Jeanine? If we found life like that on Mars we'd have left it there.

Harold: I used to have groupies.
Stuart Miller: What?
Harold: All the guys at NASA did during the space race, especially during launchings. I wonder what it was. There's something about a three hundred foot rocket blasting into space really gets the girls going.


"Stacked: The Ex-Appeal (#1.5)" (2005)
Gavin P. Miller: The guy cheated on you left and right; he's completely meretricious.
Skyler Dayton: Professor?
Harold: Meretricious: it's a word people use to say "Hey, look at me. I know the word meretricious."

Harold March: [Stuart and Gavin want Harold to give some kids a science lecture in the store] If I wanted to lecture to a bunch of ungrateful brats whose only accomplishments are playing video games and throwing up, I never would have left Dartmouth!


"Stacked: Crazy Ray (#2.4)" (2005)
Harold: People have accomplished a great deal with false confidence. Without false confidence there'd be no pyramids, no space program, no Bruce Willis album.

[last lines]
Gavin P. Miller: There's a kernel of an idea there. I'm going to get some of this down.
Skyler Dayton: Yeah.
Gavin P. Miller: Thanks.
[he leaves]
Stuart Miller: You know, that really is a great idea.
Harold: It was when I saw it on 'Murder, She Wrote'.


"Stacked: iPod (#2.5)" (2005)
Gavin P. Miller: I'm freaking out! Turns out this woman I've been seeing is not exactly who she said she was.
Harold: Huh huh, I've, I've been there. It's quite awkward. The key is to check for an Adam's apple.

[first lines]
Harold: Morning, Kat.
Katrina: Morning, Harold. I'll get your coffee in a minute; I'm a little swamped back here.
Harold: No thank you, no coffee for me. Never again; I'm going cold turkey.
Katrina: Since when?
Harold: Since I read a new study on the ill effects of caffeine. It's a powerful and dangerous drug you're peddling.
Katrina: Relax, it's just coffee.
Harold: I can relax; I'm not a coffee drinker. Anxiety and sleeplessness are two side effects. Also decreased sperm mobility. That's right, you're up all night, and your boys can't dance.
[a waiting customer leaves the line]
Katrina: Harold, that's not true
Harold: It's *fact*! And sterility isn't the worst of it. Coffee can cause respiratory problems, heart disease. You might as well be pouring a hot cup of cigarettes.
[more customers leave]
Katrina: Would you stop!
Harold: That's what you'll be saying to the pain as your calcium-starved bones snap like pretzels.
Katrina: [to the last customer] Here you go.
[he declines the coffee and leaves]
Katrina: Well, wait, there's a...
[Harold takes the coffee]
Katrina: Harold!
Harold: I love coffee and I *hate* lines.


"Stacked: Two Faces of Eve (#2.2)" (2005)
Harold: What's your portfolio like?
Stuart Miller: Well, I do have a pretty healthy savings account.
Harold: There's nothing healthy about savings accounts! Canadian football generates more interest.

[last lines]
Harold: I invested a small fortune which turned into a incredibly large fortune. But I'm a man alone. Who on earth do I have to spend it on?
Eve: Hi. I'm Eve.
Harold: Harold.
Skyler Dayton: Eve, he's my friend.
Harold: Butt out, Blondy; I know what I'm doing.


"Stacked: You're Getting Sleepy (#2.10)" (2006)
[last lines]
Harold: You two are perfect for each other.
Gavin P. Miller: Wow! Thank you. Still all those mean things did just roll right off your tongue, didn't they.
Harold: Believe me, if I had given you my approval it would have been the kiss of death.
Gavin P. Miller: Wow. I do like Zoey.
Harold: Well, welcome to the family.
[he kisses Gavin on the forehead as Skyler enters]
Skyler Dayton: Eeuw. At least I thought I was kissing Bono.

Skyler Dayton: You know, a friend of mine used hypnotherapy to get over his fear of sharks.
Harold: Did it work?
Skyler Dayton: Unfortunately, yes.


"Stacked: Nobody Says I Love You (#2.1)" (2005)
Harold: Skyler came in this morning and greeted each of us by saying "I love you." Stuart took it romantically and made an ass of himself.
Stuart Miller: Oh God, how am I ever going to look her in the eye?
Gavin P. Miller: Shouldn't be a problem; it's not where you usually look.

Gavin P. Miller: So what you're saying is Skyler just came in here this morning and told everybody she loved them. What kind of new-agey nonsense is that? This is a place of business, not some hippy love-in.
Katrina: Hippy love-in?
Harold: [sternly] Hey! We were going to change the world!


"Stacked: Goodwizzle Hunting (#2.7)" (2005)
Skyler Dayton: Look at Harold. He's always put together. Sophisticated... academic... with a flair.
Harold March: I can't take all the credit. My personal shopper is a gay.

Harold: Like they say: reach for the stars.
Stuart Miller: Thanks, Harold.
Harold: Which, when you think of it, is insane. You're not even tall enough to change a light bulb.


"Stacked: Poker (#2.12)" (2006)
[first lines]
Katrina: Good morning, Harold.
Harold: Maybe here it is, but in Geneva it's seven at night.
Katrina: Well, here's your coffee.
Harold: You know, in the hills of Columbia it's just after lunch. I just got a cool new watch.

[last lines]
Katrina: There you go, Harold. Good as new.
Harold: Aaah. That's the stuff.
[his watch beeps]
Harold: Well, better get going.


"Stacked: Darling Nikki (#2.3)" (2005)
Harold March: Anyone, raise your hand if you hear a humming sound.
[man raises his hand]
Harold March: See! Ha! He hears it!
Crazy Guy: I've been hearing it since 1963. Same year aliens put a transmitter up my rectum.
Harold March: Well, we'll look there last.

[first lines]
Katrina: Morning, Harold.
Harold: Double cappuccino, Kat. Chop chop. Got a lot to do. Very busy day.
Katrina: What are you up to?
Harold: Burt Henderson, my associate from Cal Tech, is having a seventy-fifth birthday bash, and I've been asked to prepare a toast. And of course everyone expects it to be funny, coming from me.
Katrina: Why?
Harold: Because I'm the funny one!
Katrina: Seriously?
Harold: I am dead serious. I've always been as staunch proponent of humor.
Katrina: I never really noticed.


"Stacked: Gavin's Pipe Dream (#1.4)" (2005)
[first lines]
Stuart Miller: Hey, Harold.
Harold: Stuart, I was cleaning my old NASA stuff out of the garage, and I found six cases of Tang. Do you want it?
Stuart Miller: No, I don't want your old Tang. The astronauts really drank that stuff?
Harold: No, they hated it! That's why I'm stuck with all this Tang.


"Stacked: The Headmaster (#2.13)" (2006)
[first lines]
Harold: Morning, Kat!
Katrina: Oh, morning, Harold, I'll be right with you.
Katrina: OK, large cappuccino. Oh, look at that, you got ten stamps on your card; this one's on the house.
Coffee Cheater: Oh, great. Hey, thanks.


"Stacked: The Third Date (#2.11)" (2006)
Harold March: I could never understand why people get so uptight over human sexuality.
Katrina: Or why someone would wait till the third date. Am I right, Harold?
Harold March: Why do you hate yourself, Kat?


"Stacked: After Party (#2.8)" (2006)
[first lines]
Gavin P. Miller: Morning, Harold.
Harold: Morning.
Katrina: God. Harold, you look terrible.
Harold: My neck went out. I'll be fine.
Skyler Dayton: You poor thing. What happened?
Harold: Ach, got together with some of my college chums from the old M.I.T. gymnastics team. I did my famous scissor kick dismount and didn't stick my landing.
Skyler Dayton: Seriously?
Harold: Oh, of course not! I'm sixty-seven years old and I sneezed!