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Quotes for
Simon Moon (Character)
from "Frasier" (1993)

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"Frasier: And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon: Part 1 (#8.1)" (2000)
[Simon has been opening the gifts from Daphne's canceled wedding]
Daphne Moon: That's stealing! These gifts are going back!
Simon Moon: Never! Returning used merchandise is unethical, and I, for one, will never be party to it.

Dr. Niles Crane: What are you doing?
Daphne Moon: Returning gifts.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, right. You know, that's one thing Mel and I avoided by eloping. No gifts to return when you, uh... when...
Simon Moon: When you shag someone else's wife?

Roz Doyle: Daphne, Simon's opening your gifts.
Daphne Moon: Bloody hell!
[runs out]
Simon Moon: Roz, you little snitch! You know, I'm having serious doubts about whether you're going to be the future mother of my children.
Roz Doyle: Somewhere out there, the future mother of your children just lifted her head from a puddle of drool.
Simon Moon: Yeah, but I'll bet she's got a ripper body!


"Frasier: Mother Load: Part 2 (#9.13)" (2002)
[late at night, Simon has brought a women to Frasier's apartment]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sorry, miss, but we are not entertaining guests this evening. You'll have to leave.
Loretta: [to Simon] Wait - you told me this was your place. You're probably not even the Duke of England.
Simon Moon: Oh, yeah? Then why do I talk this way?
Simon Moon: [to Frasier] Well, you're just a big contraceptive, aren't you?

Dr. Frasier Crane: I've just about had it with you, Simon. You have blown my speakers, you have clogged my jacuzzi, and you have ingested half of my bath products. You are no longer welcome in my home.
Simon Moon: What, exactly, are you implying?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [shoving Simon through the door] Get out!


"Frasier: Mother Load: Part 1 (#9.12)" (2002)
Martin Crane: Hey, you better not let Frasier see you wipe your hands on the couch. He's mad enough that you ate that stuff that he puts on his face.
Simon Moon: I'm telling you, it was marmalade.

Simon Moon: Don't cry, mum. I really though this junket to America would cheer you up.
Niles: It still can. Go away.
[Daphne gives Niles a weird look]
Niles: I mean... Get out there, and see the country.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, that is a splendid idea. This land is rich with snow covered mountains, sun kissed beaches... wild, untamed rivers and a-a warm, loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States, this... America.
[an American flag unfurls outside Frasier's window]
Niles: How did you do that?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier fumes silently and runs to the door] Cam Winston!


"Frasier: Something Borrowed, Someone Blue: Part 1 (#7.23)" (2000)
Daphne: Simon!
Simon Moon: Hello, sis.
Daphne: I thought you were in California.
Simon Moon: Yeah, well, those friends I went to surprise were out of town. So I decided to housesit for 'em, which was lovely. 'Til they came home last night. I don't know what all the screaming was about, I was the one in the tub! Where should I put this bag?
Dr. Frasier Crane: By the door so you don't forget it when you leave.
Simon Moon: Right. I think I know everyone here.
[spots Roz]
Simon Moon: Or do I? And what would your name be then, Miss?
Roz Doyle: Simon, you low-life idiot! You made a date with me last week and you stood me up!
Simon Moon: Sorry, love, I need a bit more to go on.
Roz Doyle: Maybe this'll refresh your memory.
[slams the door in his face]
Simon Moon: Roz! Of course!

Simon Moon: Thank you Marty, it's most hospitable of you.
Martin Crane: Well, you gotta have a place to stay...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Stop right there! He cannot stay here! The man is loud, ill-mannered, and the last time he stayed here he killed a ficus tree on the downstairs neighbor's balcony by means which are best left to the imagination!


"Frasier: And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon: Part 2 (#8.2)" (2000)
[Frasier has offered to take Daphne out to get her mind off her troubles, but she has declined]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sure you won't change your mind?
Daphne Moon: Positive.
[Simon comes back from walking Eddie]
Simon Moon: Hello! We've just finished our daily constitutional, with young Edward here dropping a few amendments along the way. So what's on the docket for tonight then?
Daphne Moon: All I want is a quiet evening at home.
Simon Moon: Oh, Stilts, you and I are of one mind. I'll hoist a beer while you get dinner started. And then when our bellies are full and you've done the dishes, we will adjourn to the Winnebago, where Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme, the "Muscles From Brussels" will ply his trade against the forces of evil.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ready at eight?
Daphne Moon: Make it seven-thirty.


"Frasier: Dark Side of the Moon (#7.22)" (2000)
Simon Moon: And this here is Paris.
Martin Crane: Paris? Does that make you French?
Paris: No, but a couple of beers might.