Brock Samson
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Quotes for
Brock Samson (Character)
from "The Venture Bros." (2003)

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"The Venture Bros.: Ghosts of the Sargasso (#1.6)" (2004)
Ghost Pirate 1: We need that key that starts your boat Mr. Big Stuff, let's have it?
Brock Samson: It's up my ass.
Ghost Pirate 2: Are you serious?
Brock Samson: Why don't you check?
Ghost Pirate 2: Well, check.
Ghost Pirate 1: What if he's lying?
Ghost Pirate 2: If he were telling the truth, that would be better?

Pirate 1: [to Brock who is chained up] We need that key that starts your boat Mr Big Stuff, let's have it.
Brock Samson: It's up my ass.
Pirate 2: Are you serious?
Brock Samson: Why don't you check?
Pirate 2: [to Pirate 1] Well. Check.
Pirate 1: [to Pirate 2] What if he's lying?
Pirate 2: [to Pirate 1] If he were telling the truth, that would be better?

Brock Samson: Whatever you do, Hank, don't light a cigarette. A good sniper can see a hot cherry for miles.
Hank Venture: Brock, I don't smoke.
Brock Samson: Good. Now's a lousy time to start.

Ghost Pirate 1: [Watching Brock beat up the fake Ghost Pirate] Oh my God, he's gettin' his ass kicked! We gotta save him!
Ghost Pirate 2: Are you kiddin'? My sword's made of cardboard.
Pirate Captain: Enough!
Pirate Captain: [Everyone stops fighting] Get off that man before he kills the hole lot'o'ye.
Pirate Captain: [Holding Dean as a shield at gunpoint] I don't think he wants to see what his child is made of.
[Overcorrecting himself]
Pirate Captain: I mean, what he's really made of, not like a test of his mettle...
Brock Samson: [Interrupting] We heard you the first time...
Pirate Captain: [Interrupting] Silence! Your insolence will not be tolerated... again.
[Motioning to the fake Ghost Pirate lying motionless on the deck]
Pirate Captain: Hey, is that guy dead?
Brock Samson: Yeah, probably.
Pirate Captain: [Irritated] Oh, c'mon! Was that necessary? Really?
Dean Venture: Your plan was almost flawless, only, that's no ghost...
Pirate Captain: [Sarcastically] Oh, ya' think, genius. What was it that tipped ya' off, brainiac? Was it the rubber mask; maybe the huge zipper?
[to Brock]
Pirate Captain: But you had to go and kill 'im anyway. If you'd a played by the rules, the Ghost Pirate rules, none of this would have happened! But, no, you had to go and kill a guy.

Brock Samson: After the twist, you'll hear a snap. Then the body goes ragdoll on ya.
Hank Venture: And that will knock him out... even more?
Brock Samson: That'll kill him.
Hank Venture: Do I have to?
Brock Samson: Alright fine, crybaby. Just tie him up and, maybe I guess gag him. But at the first sign of trouble I want you to at least break both his knees

Dean Venture, Hank Venture: GO TEAM VENTURE!
Brock Samson: ...I dunno, they just do that.

"The Venture Bros.: Mid-Life Chrysalis (#1.8)" (2004)
O.S.I. Instructor: Well, let's see here, Mr. Samson. On the driving portion, you totalled every car but the one you were driving; on the pistol range, you refused to use a gun. And, uh, oh. Hah! Yeah, here's my favorite: on the written, you drew a little guy with wings from the Led Zeppelin records.
Brock Samson: Icarus. So uh... what are you trying to tell me here, little man? That you don't like Zep?
[Tester stands and rips the written portion in half]
O.S.I. Instructor: My father is General Treister. You saved his life. The man spoke of you as a god. And you did not disappoint.
Brock Samson: Oh yeah, I used to babysit you.

O.S.I. Instructor: This test will, uh, test your proficiency with firearms, you'll have two min...
Brock Samson: Uh-uh. No guns. I don't use guns.
O.S.I. Instructor: The nine millimeter Glock is standard issue to all agents in the field. You're required...
Brock Samson: Guns are for sissies.

Dean Venture: No worries, Brock. I'll walk you through the written portion. Question 1: You're in Prague. A sniper's in the window above you. There's an alligator behind you, and a grizzly bear in front of you. What do you do? Do you...
Brock Samson: Back somersault, pry off the alligator's jaw, use it as a boomerang to take out the sniper, when he falls out the window the grizzly'll go straight for the easier meal.
Dean Venture: Uh... the answer's C.

[Brock is doing push ups, Hank steps on his back]
Hank Venture: You're nothing! You're weak! Why do you even wanna be a secret agent, boy? You think you're good enough?
Brock Samson: Hank, seriously, when I get my license back I'm allowed to kill you.
Hank Venture: Sorry, Brock.
[quickly removes his foot]

Brock Samson: Little worried about that hickey, Doc.
[Dr. Venture's is halfway covered in swelling redness]
Dr. Venture: Oh, Brock, don't worry. I'm not falling in love!... And what would be wrong with that if I was? The boys need a new mommy. Rusty needs a new mommy.
Hank Venture: We don't even know who our old mommy was.

"The Venture Bros.: Home Insecurity (#1.3)" (2004)
Brock Samson: So just what are you trying to say, little man? You don't like Zep?

Brock Samson: You could've told me Sasquatch was a dude...
Steve Summers: What, you couldn't tell?
Brock Samson: Not until I had to... shave him.
Steve Summers: What are you, shy? Sasquatch doesn't have anything you haven't seen before.
Brock Samson: Sasquatch IS something I haven't seen before!

Brock Samson: You're Steve Summers, astronaut.
Steve Summers: Former astronaut.
Brock Samson: I thought you died.
Steve Summers: That's what everyone was meant to think, though I was barely alive after my test ship broke up, but the army saved me. They spent six million dollars to give me all new bionic parts. Made me stronger, better, faster than I was. Then you know what they did? They put me to work! They expected me to pay it all back! Do you have any idea how long six million bucks takes to pay off on a government salary?

Brock Samson: Bionic, huh? Let's see how bionic.
[kicks Summers in the testicles]

"The Venture Bros.: Are You There God, It's Me, Dean (#1.9)" (2004)
Hank Venture: I had to sleep in my clothes. Now I feel gross wearing them two days in a row!
The Monarch: You're kidding me, right? That's the only outfit I've ever seen you in!
Hank Venture: Well, that doesn't mean I never wash it.
The Monarch: Fair enough. Number 27, get the kid a change of clothes!
[looks at Brock]
The Monarch: How about you? You ok?
Brock Samson: I didn't sleep in my clothes.
The Monarch: 27, burn his sheets!

Brock Samson: You scream, I'll break your neck, you understand me?
Dr. Girlfriend: You're going to take advantage of me, aren't you?... Well, be quick with it!
Brock Samson: To be honest with you, I never really considered that.
Dr. Girlfriend: Why not?
Brock Samson: Just didn't.
Dr. Girlfriend: [upset] Well, I'm not gonna beg.

Brock Samson: Why haven't you tried the world domination thing? You scared of the big leagues?
The Monarch: Please, how stupid do I look to you? World Domination. I'll leave that to the religious nuts and the Republicans, thank you.

"The Venture Bros.: Return to Spider-Skull Island (#1.13)" (2004)
[about Jonas Venture Jr, a baby-sized person with the face of Dr. Venture's father]
Dr. Byron Orpheus: What is...
Brock Samson: That's Doc's deformed twin brother he absorbed in the womb, who's come back for revenge. But now they've made up, so...
[Long pause]
Dr. Byron Orpheus: 'Kay.

[Dr. Venture appears to be "pregnant" and is taken to the maternity ward]
Doctor: Sorry, sir. Medical personnel only beyond this point.
Brock Samson: I'm staying with him. I go where he goes.
Doctor: Oh. You must be his... partner... then.
Brock Samson: Not really. It's more like I work for... Wait a minute! No!

Dr. Venture: What would I do without you, Brock?
Brock Samson: You would've died.

"The Venture Bros.: Twenty Years to Midnight (#2.5)" (2006)
Brock Samson: I dunno, Doc.
Dr. Venture: What?
Brock Samson: This is pretty bad, even for you.
Dr. Venture: Look, I've seen you rip a man's eyes out of his sockets and make him a marionette with his optic nerves!
Brock Samson: Yeah, but at least I didn't break his heart.
Dr. Venture: You don't know that.

Brock Samson: [shakes Dr. Venture] Wake up, we're almost there.
Dr. Venture: [shaking his head] God, I thought I was all done with those crappy dreams.
The Grand Inquisitor: [shouting] THAT WAS A WEIRD ONE.
Dr. Venture: Great! You can read my mind.
The Grand Inquisitor: [shouting] IGNORE ME!... Yes I can.

[last lines]
Dr. Venture: Great. So we haul ass all over the world, almost got ourselves killed and now nothing to show for it! Not even gas money!
Brock Samson: We did kinda, like, save the world. I guess.
Dean Venture: And that big guy finally shut up.
Dr. Jonas Venture Jr.: And we worked together, like a family.
Hank Venture, Dean Venture: Go Team Venture!

"The Venture Bros.: Victor. Echo. November. (#2.6)" (2006)
[the boys are preparing for a night out:]
Dean Venture: Hank, are you even close to finis...
[sees Hank is dressed as Batman]
Dean Venture: Dad!
Dr. Venture: [enters] Dean, you smell like a whore.
[Dean points at Hank]
Dr. Venture: What's the...? Oh, not agai... Brock!
Hank Venture: What? You said to put on your best outfit.
Dr. Venture: *Outfit*, Hank. Not costume!
Brock Samson: [enters] What the f...?
Dean Venture: Well, I guess you can't come. Right? Hank can't come?
Dr. Venture: Nice try, Dean.

Dr. Venture: Lab shmab, I'm finished with work for today. No, I wanted the boys away because I made a discovery of the... non-scientific kind.
Brock Samson: What'd you find? Are you okay?
Dr. Venture: Oh, I'm more than okay. While perusing TV guide, I found a little - shall I say - flick, starring a one miss Dolly Parton, meow. Yeah, it seems she made a racy film called "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas."
Brock Samson: Yeah, Doc, you're uh, gonna be disappointed there...
Dr. Venture: Don't ruin it for me. I have popcorn popping and the VCR set for stun!

Dr. Venture: Why are you naked?
Brock Samson: To prey on their fear, move like an animal, to feel the kill.

"The Venture Bros.: Assassinanny 911 (#2.3)" (2006)
Brock Samson: Special Agent-in-Training Brock Samson reporting for duty.
Hunter Gathers: Don't you salute me, you bastard! Leave that Little John-John crap back in Biloxi.
Brock Samson: Yes sir!
Hunter Gathers: And don't sir me, damn you! You're not in the Marines anymore. This is intelligence. Start using it!

Brock Samson: [about sparing people] No women, no children?
Hunter Gathers: No women, no children. Them's rules. Separates us from the baddies.
Brock Samson: But what if she's an enemy agent?
Hunter Gathers: Uh-uh.
Brock Samson: An assassin?
Hunter Gathers: No.
Brock Samson: A double-agent assassin who just killed the President.
Hunter Gathers: No sir. Non-lethal takedown only. President's not the president anyway, you know that.
Brock Samson: Oh. Hey, how about, you know, uh... a lady Dracula?
Hunter Gathers: You mean, le vampyr? Nosferatu?
Brock Samson: Guess.
Hunter Gathers: Undead. Not technically a woman in that regard, so you got no beef there. Also, fictitious.

Brock Samson: Where's Hank?
Dr. Venture: Up in his room. Our little man is grounded.
Brock Samson: What'd he do?
Dr. Venture: Get this, I'm working in the lab, right? And Hank sleepwalks in, hauls off and smacks me in the head with a papier-mache sword, pees his pants and passes out.
Brock Samson: So, I didn't miss much?
Dr. Venture: Pfft. What's there to miss?

"The Venture Bros.: Ice Station Impossible (#1.7)" (2004)
Hank Venture: Brock, I've thought a lot about it, and if we can't get the antidote in time, and it comes down to it, I - well, I want you to be the one to kill me
Brock Samson: Don't talk like that, Hank. We're gonna fi...
Hank Venture: Promise me, Brock!
Brock Samson: OK.
Hank Venture: Promise?
Brock Samson: Yes, I promise.
Hank Venture: Super swear?
Brock Samson: Yes, Hank!
Hank Venture: Hey, Brock?
Brock Samson: [sighs] Yeah?
Hank Venture: How would you do it?
Brock Samson: You're asleep, quick jerk of the neck, never feel a thing.
Hank Venture: You've thought about this.
Brock Samson: Yes, I have.

[Race Bannon, the 'Brock Sampson' of Jonny Quest, is dying]
Race Bannon: Do me a favor, Brock.
Brock Samson: Anything, old friend.
Race Bannon: Tell... Jonny... I love...
[Race dies, and all bow their heads. A pause, and a loud farting sound plays]
Dean Venture: Ewww! I didn't know they... Ew!
Brock Samson: Yeah, they never show that part on TV.

[Hank is infected with a serum that will turn him into a bomb. Brock and Dean try and calm him down]
Hank Venture: Dude, what is with you? Why are you so calm about this?
Dean Venture: Because Hank, we're not just any poor suckers... we're the Venture Brothers! Our dad's a supergenius with, like, chemistry stuff. He can fix this, no prob!
Brock Samson: Dean, we don't even know where your dad is; he's sequestered in some secret think-tank, and this is... well, this is kinda out of his league, honestly.
Dean Venture: We're all gonna die!
[Dean tries to run off]

"The Venture Bros.: Dia de los Dangerous (#1.1)" (2004)
Brock Samson: You get the boys... I'll take care of these guys.
Dr. Venture: Are you sure? There's an awful lot of...
Brock Samson: [interrupting, speaking slowly] They hit me with a truck.
Dr. Venture: Okaaayyy...

Dr. Venture: [after being attacked by a green creature in Brock's car] What the hell was that?
Brock Samson: Chupacabra. They're all over Mexico.

"The Venture Bros.: Hate Floats (#2.2)" (2006)
Brock Samson: Not even a scar? Did you look around the nipple, or belly button? Sometimes they, they put 'em in through there.
The Phantom Limb: Look, she is all woman. I have explored every supple inch of her and I have found nothing but nectar.
Brock Samson: All right, fine. Maybe the Monarch's just better equipped.
The Phantom Limb: You are strapping on an ultra-light gyropack. They are only issued to top ranking Guild officials.
Brock Samson: No, I mean better... equipped.
The Phantom Limb: She was kidnapped, alright? Kid, Napped.
Brock Samson: Ehh, I'm just sayin'.

The Phantom Limb: [to Dr Girlfriend] No man is immune to your charms.
Brock Samson: Pfff, No man. I'm still looking for the scars on her.
[the Limb shoots him with a Tranquiliser Dart]

"The Venture Bros.: Escape to the House of Mummies Part II (#2.4)" (2006)
Brock Samson: I gotta admit I always wanted to get Edgar Allan Poe in a headlock. That thing is like a pumpkin!

Brock Samson: Hank, you and Caligula keep up the rear... On second thought, you and Freud should do it. Caligula, you take the second wave alone.

"The Venture Bros.: Powerless in the Face of Death (#2.1)" (2006)
Dr. Venture: No! No! I don't wanna go! I'm not done finding myself!
Brock Samson: You've gotta!
Dr. Venture: No, please! Brock I feel amazing! I never want tonight to end!
Brock Samson: You can't run away from your life forever Doc!
Dr. Venture: This IS my life now MOM! Deal with it!
Brock Samson: You've got responsibilities at home! The bills are stacking up and you have to deal with what happened to the boys!
Dr. Venture: Screw the boys! I wanna stay here with my new family and their "feel good candy"!
Brock Samson: You've had your fun Doc, it's time!
Dr. Venture: No! Brock, no! This is Skye! We're gonna have a child! Pleeaaaasssseearrrrr!

Dr. Byron Orpheus: I am, by trade, a necromancer! You know what that means, right?
Brock Samson: Uhh, you have sex with dead people?
Dr. Byron Orpheus: phile! Necrophile! A necroMANCER can bring the dead TO LIFE!

"The Venture Bros.: Eeney, Meeney, Miney... Magic! (#1.5)" (2004)
Molotov Cocktease: Brock Samson, you dog.
Brock Samson: Molotov, you bitch.

Hank Venture: [Attempting to wake up Brock in his room by shaking his arm] G'mornin', Brock...
Brock Samson: [Wakes with an involuntary choke hold on Hank, sees that it's Hank and drops him] Hank... you alright?
Hank Venture: [recuperating on the floor] I think I will be.
Brock Samson: [regains his stoic posture] Hank, ya gotta quit sneakin' up on me like that.

"The Venture Bros.: Blood of the Father, Heart of Steel (#4.1)" (2009)
Hank Venture: [runs up and hugs Brock, who is in a S.P.H.I.N.X. uniform] Why are you here? Why are you wearing that? Why didn't you say goodbye to me? Why didn't you...
Brock Samson: Hank, Hank! Listen, buddy. You have to trust me. You can't tell anybody we were here, this is our little secret.
Hank Venture: Why did you leave me?
Brock Samson: Hank, I'll never leave you. But right now these guys need me a little more. You can share me, Hank, can't you? I mean, look how big you've gotten! I can barely get my hands around these shoulders!
Sergeant Hatred: [Offscreen, coming up the hill] Hank! Hank!
Hank Venture: I'm over here! It's okay, I'm with-
[Turns to find Brock gone]
Sergeant Hatred: [Picks up the knife Brock used to kill the Hitler dog] Hank, did you kill Hitler?
Hank Venture: No, it was... it was an angel.

"The Venture Bros.: The Trial of the Monarch (#1.12)" (2004)
Brock Samson: Something big is going down, this place is crawling with Strangers.
Hank Venture: Well, you can't expect to know everybody!
Brock Samson: No, Hank... Strangers are undercover Guild operatives.
Dean Venture: We gotta warn Pop!
Brock Samson: No, Dean. This is guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild works clean, professional, and surgical. In a way, they're the only organization I still respect.
Hank Venture: [dramatically] And they kill clean! Don't let dames get in the way!
Brock Samson: [turning to Hank] Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read!
Dean Venture: It's weird, right?
Brock Samson: It's like he channels dead crazy people!
Hank Venture: [worried] Do you think it's a cry for help?

"The Venture Bros.: Home Is Where the Hate Is (#3.4)" (2008)
Sgt. Hatred: [Exiting the Venture Compound] Well, I'm sure going looking forward to being your arch, oh, which reminds me...
[pulls out a handgun in a playful manner and fires a shot at Dr. Venture. Venture falls to the ground, groaning in pain]
Brock Samson: HEY!
Sgt. Hatred: [Holding up his hands, chuckling, handing the gun to Brock] Whoh, whoh, easy there. It's only rubber; just keeping ya' on your toes. I uh...
[Venture bleeding from the hip, still groaning]
Sgt. Hatred: Gee, uh, they usually don't break the skin like that. He's a real softie, isn't he.
[to his radio]
Sgt. Hatred: Hatred to Malice Troop... gotta '86 the non-lethal. Yeah, were goin' full blown Nerf here.

"The Venture Bros.: Operation P.R.O.M. (#4.16)" (2010)
Brock Samson: I'll take care of this. This has been a long time coming. Me and her got to get something straight between us.
The Alchemist: You think he even knows how many double entendres that was?

"The Venture Bros.: Tag-Sale: You're It! (#1.10)" (2004)
[Dr. Venture is holding a yard sale]
Brock Samson: I just think that with all your advertising...
Dr. Venture: Who even opens those ValPaks, anyway?
Brock Samson: You have some dangerous machinery for sale here; I think you're beggin' for trouble on this one.
Dr. Venture: I thought you handled all that. And I don't hear any big ideas from you on how to get some quick cash; come on! Most of this stuff is old crap my dad left behind.

"The Venture Bros.: Showdown at Cremation Creek: Part 1 (#2.12)" (2006)
Henchman 21: [Waking up after partying in the Mighty Flying Cocoon] Oh God! I don't ever want to do that again!
Henchman 24: [Feeling the same] God; he's gonna kill us when he gets back.
Henchman 21: Oh, let him kill us. Death would be a sweet release from all of this.
[Stands up]
Henchman 21: Oh, fuck it! You do it! Just make sure when you do it that it isn't loud or near my head.
Brock Samson: [Off scene, to Henchman 24] I got an idea, Chunk!
[Camera pans to Brock and the Ventures in the jail cell]
Brock Samson: You let me out of here and I'll kill ya.
Henchman 21: Oh, my god. What did we do?
Henchman 24: I thought I dreamed that part.

"The Venture Bros.: Careers in Science (#1.2)" (2004)
Hank Venture: Wuss!
Dean Venture: Knock it off!
Hank Venture: Wuss!
Dean Venture: Knock it off!
Dr. Venture: Boys! for the last time, stop! Brock is trying to drive.
Brock Samson: [to boys] I'm cool.
Hank Venture, Dean Venture: [at each other] He started it!
Dr. Venture: No, *I* started it years ago in a moment of passion, and I'll end it the same way, right here, in front of Brock, H.E.L.P.eR., and God!

"The Venture Bros.: The Diving Bell vs. the Butterglider (#4.9)" (2010)
Hunter Gathers: Samson! What part of secret underground headquarters does that square-head of yours fail to grasp?
Brock Samson: Look, they live next door, what am I supposed to do?
Hunter Gathers: Wipe their pink little minds and send them back home, like I told you!
Brock Samson: They discover us every other week. I can't keep doing that, it's starting to make them buggy.

"The Venture Bros.: The Incredible Mr. Brisby (#1.4)" (2004)
Brock Samson: Boys, you don't want to shoot me. You know me. You know what I'll do to you if you do.

"The Venture Bros.: Pinstripes and Poltergeists (#4.8)" (2009)
Hunter Gathers: Damn it Shore Leave, you've ruined another outfit. Think Betsy Ross works here? I'm the one who has to sew this back together, you clown.
[Brock laughs]
Hunter Gathers: What are you laughing at, Mr. Blood Stains on Everything?
Brock Samson: You know that he rips those himself. He just tears it off like a Chippendales firemen, every time.
Hunter Gathers: Good god, why?
Shore Leave: For one, because it looks super-cool.
Hunter Gathers: You're an infant!