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Quotes for
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: Like Father, Like Clown (#3.6)" (1991)
Krusty the Clown: Papa, when I grow up, can I be a clown?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: No, a clown is not a respected member of the community.
Krusty the Clown: But I want to make people laugh.
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Herschel, life is not fun. Life is serious. Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying. Pie is for noshing, not for throwing.
Krusty the Clown: But Papa...
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: But nothing! You'll do as I say, or you'll get such a zetz that you won't even know what hit you!

Man Seeking Advice #1: Reb Krustofsky, should I finish college?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge.
Mother: Rabbi, should I have another child?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.
Man Seeking Advice #2: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?
Man Seeking Advice #2: Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Oh, yes. For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.

Bart: We came to talk to you about your son.
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: I have no son!
[slams the door in their faces]
Bart: Oh, great. We came all this way and it's the wrong guy.
[opens the door]
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: I didn't mean that literally.

[confronted by Bart during a circumcision]
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Sorry, my friend. I'm still not convinced. And this is hardly the time or place to discuss it!

[Bart is sitting in a sauna with a group of rabbis in towels]
Bart: "At all times let a man be supple as a reed, and not rigid as a cedar."
[the other rabbis murmur approvingly]
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: But, my short, learned friend, the Book of Joshua says, "Ye shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night."
[the other rabbis murmur approvingly again]

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: You I told to go away!
Bart: But-but-but-but Rabbi! Is it not written in the Babylonian Talmud, and I quote, "a child should be pushed aside with the left hand, and drawn closer with the right"?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Yes...
Bart: Then doesn't your religion command you to make up with Krusty?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: But in Exodus, the Fifth Commandment says, "Honor thy father and thy mother." End of story.

[Bart appears at a meeting of rabbis, dressed in a miniature rabbi's costume]
Bart: Speaking of charity, Rabbi Krustofsky, don't you think it's time you forgave your son?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Don't you understand that my boy broke my heart? He turned his back on our faith, and our traditions, and on me! Get out of here, you little pisher!

Bart: [Yawns] Rabbi, did not a great man say, and I quote 'The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I've heard of persecution, but what they went through is ridiculous. But the great thing is, after thousands of years of waiting and holding on and fighting, they finally made it.' End quote.
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Oh, I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Who said that? Rabbi Hillel?
Bart: No.
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: It was Judah the Pious?
Bart: No.
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Maimonides?
Bart: No.
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Oh, I got it! The Dead Sea Scrolls!
Bart: I'm afraid not, Rabbi. It's from Yes, I Can, by Sammy Davis Jr. An entertainer, like your son.
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: [Gasps] The Candy Man? If a performer could think that way, maybe I'm completely upside down on this whole problem. Oh, all the years of joy that I've lost! Why? Because of my stubborn ways...
[Begins to cry]
Lisa: There there, Rabbi. It's not too late.