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: [Stopping Esther as she begins looking over the garden
] Fred told me to keep you out of this garden. Aunt Esther Anderson
: Is that so? Grady Wilson
: Yeah. He said just because he had planted a Garden of Eden, there was no reason to let the serpent in.
: [Perturbed at being pestered by Lamont while serving seconds of his salad
] You wouldn't disturb the Wright Brothers when they were trying to fly? Lamont Sanford
: That's exactly what I want to talk to you about!
: [Lamont and Grady in the kitchen. Lamont explaining why the policemen can't stop eating so much of Grady's salad
] Now just about everybody knows that one of the main side effects of using marijuana is the hungries or the munchies. Grady Wilson
: Weren't they in "The Wizard of Oz"? Lamont Sanford
: That was the Munchkins! Grady Wilson
: Oooh, yeah. Didn't you just love that picture? Lamont Sanford
: Grady, would you knock it off? This is no time for that. Grady Wilson
: There was Dorothy and Toto and the Wicked Witch of the Watts. Lamont Sanford
: Of the West, Grady!
: [With Esther scowling at him, Grady turns to Lamont
] Is this your Aunt Esther, or King Kong after he fell off the Empire State Building?
: [Describing he and Otis's overnight journey to Vegas
] We caught the 4:30 flight over there, had dinner, did some gambling, and caught two great shows at The Flamingo. Aunt Esther Anderson
: [Looking up at the heavens
] Sodom and Gomorrah. Grady Wilson
: No, Nipsy Russell and Harry Belafonte.
: Where have you been the last 24 hours? Grady Wilson
: Oh, me and Otis, we did the *town* man! Lamont Sanford
: You guys did the town? Grady Wilson
: That's right! Lamont Sanford
: What could you possibly do in this town that could keep you out for 24 hours? Grady Wilson
: Nothing. Lamont Sanford
: But you just said... Grady Wilson
: [Cutting him off
] I said we did the town. I didn't say this was the town we did. Lamont Sanford
: What town did you do? Grady Wilson
: Las Vegas, Nee-vada!
: [Grady, Lamont and Herman stand in the living room. Grady asks Lamont
] How come he went to prison? Lamont Sanford
: Because of circumstantial evidence! He just happened to be at the scene of a crime. Grady Wilson
: [Turning to Herman
] Oh, you "just happened to be at the scene of a crime"? What were you doing there? Herman
: Committing it.
: [Defending Herman to Grady
] He's not a "jailbird." He's got a name. Grady Wilson
: Oh, yeah? Spell it for me - number by number.
[At the DMV
: One wrong. Grady Wilson
: No, no, wait, wait a minute. I'm sorry, I didn't get one wrong. Interviewer
: You missed the question here on the speed limit in a school zone. Grady Wilson
: I didn't miss that, I purposely changed it. Now I know the state of California says that 25 miles an hour in a school zone is okay, but I say five miles is plenty. Interviewer
: And I say, "One wrong".
: What took you so long? Grady Wilson
: I had a flat tire. But I reacted immediately in the proper manner, and my instructor was really impressed... Until I told him I didn't know how to change a flat tire. Inspector Brock
: [Hands the hub cap to Grady
] You think you can put this on yourself?
: [Upon seeing Fred in a neckbrace
] Wha, what happened to your neck? Fred G. Sanford
: I had an accident in a truck. Grady Wilson
: Ohhh, whiplash. Did they hit ya from behind? Fred G. Sanford
: No. I was in a drive-in movie and I was tryin' to mess around with Fast Fanny and she hit me from the front. They call that "fistlash."
: I've never seen Lamont act like that before. He's so calm, so serene and sweet. Fred G. Sanford
: I know it. Maybe there was a full moon and he got bit on the neck by the Flying Nun.
: [Upon entering Clancy Fitzgerald's 1930's-era office
] Wow, Fred, this looks like something right out of one of those old movies. I could just close my eyes and see... I can see... Y'know, Fred, with my eyes closed I can't see a damn thing.
: [after Fred has ruined Junior's one shot at getting a fight by arguing with the promoter
] Oh boy, you did it, Fred. You got him on the ropes now. Now finish the job. Borrow one of the ropes to hang yourself.
: I know the perfect lady for you. My girlfriend's sister. She's from outta town and she's got a terrific personality. Fred G. Sanford
: Terrific personality? I know what that means. She looks like Leon Spinks.
Fred G. Sanford
: [after talking with the bubble-headed Bunny
] Grady, I would like to talk to you. Grady Wilson
: Sure, Fred. Fred G. Sanford
: No, back here by my baseball bat.
: Mr. Wilson, karate is one of the oldest forms of self-defense known to man. Grady Wilson
: It ain't older than running.
: [Discussing Carol
] Fred, I think you should throw the bum out. Fred G. Sanford
: I can't do that; I can't do that. He's an old friend of mine. And he's from Buffalo, and he's in the chips.
: [Calling from the kitchen
] Hey Lamont, who's here? Lamont Sanford
: [Yelling back
] Uncle Woodrow is here! Grady Wilson
: Who'd you say? Lamont Sanford
: [Yelling louder
] Uncle Woodrow! Grady Wilson
: [Coming into the living room
] That's what I thought you said.
[Turns over to the bar and starts putting the liquor bottles away
] Lamont Sanford
: What are you doing? Grady Wilson
: Your father left me in charge, and he told me if your Uncle Woodrow was to come over, that I was to hide the booze from Woody the Wino.
: [Looking at the painting, a black professor turns to his white wife
] It's tasteless. It's the worst combination of colors I've ever seen. Grady Wilson
: You should be used to that.
: Let me have a drink, please? Fred G. Sanford
: Okay. Listen, you wanna try one I invented? It's a mixture of Ripple and cream. I call it "cripple." Y'see, after you drink a few of 'em, you walk with a limp.
Fred G. Sanford
: [Explaining to Grady what a gelding is
] He's fixed; he can't have no babies. Grady Wilson
: Why not? Fred G. Sanford
: Because he had a horseterectomy.
: You stubborn, bull-headed, old buzzard! Fred G. Sanford
: Who you callin' old?
: The characters on that show are a lot like you. There's the mean grouchy old father. Fred G. Sanford
: Wait a minute... Bubba Bexley
: The Dumb son. Lamont Sanford
: Hey Bubba? Bubba Bexley
: The Ugly Sister-in-Law. Aunt Esther Anderson
: Watch it sucka! Bubba Bexley
: And the stupid bungling friend.
[Looks at Grady
] Grady Wilson
] Your too hard on yourself Bubba!
Fred G. Sanford
: [Fred and Grady discussing a possible mate for Lamont
] This magazine is about Cicely Tyson, and that's the kind of girl Lamont likes. Grady Wilson
] You really think so, huh? Fred G. Sanford
: Absolutely. Grady Wilson
: Yeah, y'know, Fred, I saw her on TV and she was 105 years old. Fred G. Sanford
: Oh, you dumb - that was a role she was playing! She must be 30ish. Grady Wilson
: Thirtyish? Boy, she sure let herself go.
: [Serving supper to the Sanfords
] We'll start the evening off with my famous Russian cocktail. Vodka and prune juice. Lamont Sanford
: [Spits out drink
] Vodka and prune juice? Grady Wilson
: Yeah, yeah. I call that my Trotsky.
: She's gonna steal me away, Fred! Fred G. Sanford
: That's called petty larceny.
: Well, Fred, don't you want to win Donna back? I mean, after all, faint heart never won fair lady. Fred G. Sanford
: And stopped heart never did too good either.