Buddy Love
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Quotes for
Buddy Love (Character)
from The Nutty Professor (1996)

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The Nutty Professor (1996)
Buddy Love: Oh you mean rich dummy terms? I'll break it down. All the rich dummies in the room, listen up! If you gonna eat nasty stuff like this.
[Picks up a porkchop]
Buddy Love: I know it looks good and I know how many of here like porkchop. But this greasy, nasty porkchop, you know there's a gene in your DNA that routes this straight to your fat cells, and it causes all sorts of sightly conditions. Case in point, this woman has what I like to call jello arms...
[shakes a fat lady's arm]
Buddy Love: ...you notice the arm has taken on a gelatin sort of vibe. Quite nasty.
[moves to a man at another table]
Buddy Love: And to my left, this gentleman has turkey neck,
[Moves to the woman next to him]
Buddy Love: to my immediate left, this young lady is suffering from what we like to call saddlebag syndrome
[moves to the woman next to her]
Buddy Love: and to my extreme left, this lady is suffering from what we like to call... tank ass.
[the woman's husband gets up]
Buddy Love: Yo, not tonight, man.
[escorts him back into his seat]
Buddy Love: I'm your brother, I'm your brother. Like I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, where there's a will, there's a way, and there is a way we can turn these genes off, and I don't mean by using exercise or diet, I'm talking about by taking a simple solution, which helps reconstruct your metabolic cellular strands, thus giving you the appearance of,
[picks a nice lady]
Buddy Love: as they say in medical terms... gluteus minimus, or in layman's terms, an extremely tight, wonderful ass. Let's give it up for the woman with the nice ass.
[a bit of the other people applaud]
Buddy Love: She's worked so hard, don't you agree? Have a seat have a seat. Wow, everybody has a nice ass at this table, is this the nice ass section?

Buddy Love: [to Reggie] Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes?
[Buddy stands up]
Buddy Love: Alright!
[Buddy claps his hands once]
Buddy Love: Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole!
[everyone in the room, except Reggie, roars with laughter]
Buddy Love: Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch!
[everyone, except Reggie, laughs louder]
Buddy Love: [to Reggie] Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck!
[everyone, except Reggie, laughs even louder]
Buddy Love: Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib!
[everyone in the room, except Reggie, loudly roars with laughter. Buddy climbs onto the stage]
Buddy Love: [walking past Reggie] Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib!
[laughs]

Buddy Love: What's wrong with that breath? I can smell it over here! Reggie, your breath is so stinky, people look forward to your farts. Breath smells like shit! Do you smell shit?
[sniffs]
Buddy Love: I SMELL SHIT!

Buddy Love: [to Carla] Are you ready to go upstairs?
[Carla slaps him]
Buddy Love: I guess not.

Buddy Love: Who you think you talkin' to, Sherman Klump? Man, if you ever talk to me like that again, I'll kill you. And I don't mean it as euphemism, I'm gonna literally kill you. I'm gonna *strangle* you and cut off *your* air supply until *you* pass away.

Buddy Love: Someone has to tend to Chunky Butt's sex life. Chunky Butt is extremely horny.

Buddy Love: Tank ass!
Sherman Klump: Tinkerbell!
Buddy Love: Blubber butt!
Sherman Klump: Featherweight!

Buddy Love: [making fun of Reggie's hair] Reggie, I heard of dreadlocks, but shitlocks? That ain't you hair, man. Take that pile of shit off your head.

Buddy Love: [to Reggie] It's your world, dog! I'm just a squrrel trying to get a nut!

Buddy Love: Spandex! All spandex!

Buddy Love: [touches her sexually] Is that a test tube in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you?
Wellman College Alumni: [pushes away] Ugh! How dare you!
Buddy Love: Oh, you know you love it. I felt your percolating.

Buddy Love: Reggie's mother is so fat... her blood type is rocky road!
[everyone cheers except Reggie]
Buddy Love: Last one! Reggie's mother's so fat... HER BELT SIZE IS EQUATOR!
[everyone except Reggie loudly roars with laughter]

Professor Carla Purty: [about Reggie] I hate this guy. I hate this guy, he is so obnoxious.
Buddy Love: [ignores her] Give the nigger a chance.

Buddy Love: I've got a date at the Alumni Ball, and you've got a date with linoleum.
Jason: Who?
[Buddy punches Jason, who falls to the floor in a heap]


The Nutty Professor (1963)
Buddy Love: Hiya, chicky baby. How's it going?
Stella Purdy: Fine.
Buddy Love: Crazy. I thought I'd visit your little land of learning. Cute. Cute pad.
Stella Purdy: What happened to you last night? What'd you run away like that for? I thought you saw a ghost or something.
Buddy Love: Oh yeah. How 'bout that? Well, that's why I stopped by. I thought I'd lay it on ya, but this ain't the place to talk. What do you say we meet later at the Purple Pit? We can talk better there.
Stella Purdy: Well, I dunno. You're pretty weird, you know, and I don't want...
Buddy Love: Chi-chi. Ten o' clock?
Stella Purdy: Perfect.
Buddy Love: Figures.

Buddy Love: I know what you're thinking: Where's he been all my life? Right?
Stella Purdy: No, not exactly.
Buddy Love: And that you're happy with the way I handled those three goons, right? Well, normally I would've belted them, but I didn't want to muss myself all up and have you dance with a sloppy guy. Dig?
Stella Purdy: Well then, you restrained yourself just for little old me.
Buddy Love: I knew you'd appreciate it. I do a lot of nice things.
Stella Purdy: Well, is that really the case or is this line 27-a for young college girls?
Buddy Love: Aww, now you see? You went and done it. For one of the rare times in my life when I dig down into the soul, and you doubt my veracity. Well, that hurts.
Stella Purdy: Well, it's not your veracity that I doubt.
[pause]
Stella Purdy: The music stopped.
Buddy Love: Yeah, I heard.

Buddy Love: They're nice kids. All nice. All nice kids. They have very, very good taste, I might add.
Stella Purdy: I'm glad. It would be a shame to waste the genius of yours on the riff-raff.
Buddy Love: Well, honey, I always say, if you're good and you know it, why waste time beating around the bush, true?
Stella Purdy: And I always say that to love yourself is the beginning of a life-long romance. And after watching you, I know that you and you will be very happy together.
Buddy Love: Just a minute, sweetheart. I don't recall dismissing you.
Stella Purdy: You rude, discourteous egomaniac!
Buddy Love: You're crazy about me, right? And I can understand it. Only this morning, looking in the mirror before shaving, I enjoyed seeing what I saw so much I couldn't tear myself away.
[kisses his hand]
Buddy Love: Have some, baby?

Purple Pit Bartender: What'll it be?
Buddy Love: Aww... That's no way to talk. Tsk, tsk, tsk. "What'll it be?" That's no way to treat a customer. C'mere. Try it like this. Pay attention. You'll feel better and the customers'll be happier. Try this: "What'll it be? Hmmm?" Try that. Come on. We haven't got all night. Try it.
Purple Pit Bartender: What'll it be? Hmmm?
Buddy Love: Good! That was wonderful. Did anyone ever tell you you couldn't sing?

Buddy Love: Have some, baby?

Buddy Love: Here y'are, baby. Take this, wipe the lipstick off, slide over here next to me, and let's get started.

Purple Pit Bartender: [Arrives with several bottles of spirits; to Buddy] Did you say a Polar Bear Heater?
Buddy Love: No, YOU said it! I said an Alaskan Polar Bear Heater.
Purple Pit Bartender: I never heard of that.
Buddy Love: Until now.
Purple Pit Bartender: [mumbles] Until now.
Buddy Love: All right, pay attention. Two shots of vodka.
Purple Pit Bartender: [starts mixing the drink] Two shots of vodka...
Buddy Love: A little rum.
Buddy Love: A little rum...
Buddy Love: Some bitters...
Purple Pit Bartender: Some bitters...
Buddy Love: And a smidgen of vinegar.
Purple Pit Bartender: [grabs the vinegar] A smidgen of... Are you gonna drink this here or you're gonna take it home and rub it on your chest?
Buddy Love: Hey, that was terrific! Hey, did ya hear that, folks? A regular George Bernard Shaw. Good boy! And he did it all by himself. You did all by yourself and nobody helped you. That's terrific...
[insulted and angry]
Buddy Love: and with your very own big mouth! Now if you don't want this cocktail shaker to be a part of your gums, mix the drink, shut your mouth and pay attention. Is that clear? Repeat after me. I'll...
Purple Pit Bartender: I'll...
Buddy Love: I'll pay...
Purple Pit Bartender: I'll pay...
Buddy Love: I'll pay attention.
Purple Pit Bartender: I'll pay attention.

Buddy Love: All right, let's continue. A shot of vermouth.
Purple Pit Bartender: [continues mixing the drink] A shot of vermouth...
Buddy Love: A shot of gin.
Purple Pit Bartender: A little gin...
Buddy Love: A little brandy.
Purple Pit Bartender: A little brandy...
Buddy Love: Lemon peel.
Purple Pit Bartender: A lemon peel...
Buddy Love: Orange peel.
Purple Pit Bartender: Some orange peel...
Buddy Love: Sherry.
[Bartender look at Buddy in shock]
Buddy Love: Some more scotch.
Purple Pit Bartender: Some more scotch.
Buddy Love: Now mix it nice and pour it into a tall glass.
[the bartender shakes up Buddy's drink, then places the tall glass by him]
Purple Pit Bartender: Hey, I've never tried one of these. Do you mind if I take a sip?
Buddy Love: No, go right ahead.
Purple Pit Bartender: [Bartender pours a small helping in a small glass, then sips it] Not bad.


Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000)
Sherman Klump: Buddy Love, I am SICK, and TIRED, of your S-H...
Dean Richmond: I.
Sherman Klump: Thank you. T-E!
Buddy Love: Oh, ho-ho-ho. My shite?

[Sherman is serenading Denise with the assistance of a crap Mexican band]
Sherman: Denise will you...
Buddy: Hey Sherman. You hear me Sherman?
Sherman: ...Denise will ya? Will ya? Let me come up there and put my beef in your taco?
Mexican band: [singing] Put his beef in your taco!
Denise: What?
Sherman: [Buddy cackles, Sherman's conscious comes back] Oh, no! No, no, no...
[chuckles]
Sherman: That's not what I meant to say, Denise! That was just a little joke! I just wanted to see if you wanted to go out and get some Mexican food. That's why I said that.
Denise: Well I am kind of hungry, but I'm not-...
Sherman: Yeah, you are huh? Yeah, I bet you could stand for a big ol' whopper right now, huh?
Mexican band: [singing] A big ole whopper right now!
Denise's Nosy Neighbor: You're sick!
Sherman: Yeah, I got to tell you, I'm a Jumbo Jack man myself, if you know what I mean. Yeah and I'm loaded with secret sauce! Yeah, come on!
[Sherman does a perverted dance in front of a shocked Denise, and falls to the ground, sexually humping it]
Sherman: Bang that thing up! Yeah, come on! Come on! Make it funky!
Denise's Nosy Neighbor: You're gonna ruin my lawn, you pervert!

Buddy Love: Well if it isn't the creator of Jumbo the Horny Hampster!
Dean Richmond: PLEASE!

Buddy Love: So that's where Sherman's hiding the formula. Klumpville. Chunky town. Big-ass city! Heh heh heh!

Buddy Love: Sherman Klump. Well, you still eat those happy meals, you haven't changed a bit. You remember me, it's Buddy Love, we both used to chase that girl Carla at the same time.
Sherman Klump: Miss Purty and I were just friends.
Buddy Love: Just friends, huh?
[Looks at Denise]
Buddy Love: Well, who's your new friend? Oh you're fine. What's your name?

Buddy Love: [his last words, climbs a fountain as he is dying] Alright, tubby... let's see how long you last... without me...
[he evaporates on the side]

Buddy Love: Just when you thought it was safe to go back into theaters...


The Nutty Professor (2008) (V)
Buddy Love: Am I right?
[pause]
Buddy Love: Course I am! I'm Buddy Love, remember?