Barney Gumble
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Quotes for
Barney Gumble (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: Days of Wine and D'oh'ses (#11.18)" (2000)
Barney Gumble: Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behaviour over the last twenty years.
Moe: No, that's okay, Barn.
Barney Gumble: No it's not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet, and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.
Moe: Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.

Barney: What do you mean I forgot my birthday? How could I forget...
[chugs a beer glass]
Barney: - my own birthday?

[Barney and Homer are in a helicopter, when they land in the middle of a bridge and stop a beer truck. A six pack falls out]
Homer: You have to do it Barney. You have to save my kids.
Barney: I can't. My nerves are shot.
[grabs six pack]
Barney: Beer.
Homer: [grabs beer] No. I won't let you do it. You have to be sober for this.
[chugs beer]
Barney: You can't drink them all.
Homer: Oh, yeah?
[wrestles rest of six pack from Barney and chugs it]
Homer: I won't let you do this Barney. Not when you've come this far in...
[slurred speech]
Homer: being the greatest pal in the world. I love you. I guess it started at graduation, when I...
[passes out]
Barney: Homer. You brave, brave man. You took 6 silver bullets for me.
Homer: [mumbles] Stay away from my wife.

Barney: So, I say, when we die there should be two planets- one for the French and one for the Chinese.

"The Simpsons: Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-Annoyed-Grunt-cious (#8.13)" (1997)
Shary Bobbins: [singing] Wasted away again in Margaritaville.
Barney: [singing] Searching for my lost shaker of salt.
Barney: Oh, here it is.
[pours the salt into his mouth]

Barney: [as Sherry Bobbins is leaving] Bye Superman.
Lisa: Dad, do you think we'll ever see Sherry Bobbins again?
Homer: I'm sure we will, honey.
[She is sucked into a jet engine in the background]
Homer: I'm sure we will.

Announcer: Now, let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in "The Andy Griffith Show"
Barney: Where's Otis? He's not in his cell.
Charles Bronson: I shot him.
Barney: Well that's... what?
Charles Bronson: And now, I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop.
[cocks gun]
Charles Bronson: To fix Emmett.
["Andy Griffith Show" theme plays]

Homer: All right, Marge. We'll get your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War Recreation Society I love so much.
[cut to Moe's]
Moe: All right, Homer's out. We'll need a new General Ambrose Burnside.
Barney: I'm not too fond of our Stonewall Jackson, either.
Apu: The South shall COME AGAIN.

The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Barney Gumble: Honey, I'm home.

[Moe sports a bathrobe and a traffic cone on his head]
Marge Simpson: Why are you dressed like that?
Moe: Well, I don't like to brag, but I am now the Emperor of Springfield.
Barney Gumble: No, you're not!
[throws fire bomb at Moe]
Moe: Yes, I am!
[throws bomb back and it explodes]
Barney Gumble: Okay. Hail Emperor.

[Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day sings "da-da-da" to the final part of the Simpsons tune, following his teleprompter]
Billie Joe Armstrong: Alright, well thanks a lot for coming. We've been playing for three and a half hours, now we'd like just a minute of your time to say something about the environment.
[there is a deathly silence, followed by huge boos from the Springfieldians. They start throwing things at Green Day]
Barney Gumble: Preachy!
Billie Joe Armstrong: We're not being preachy!
Tre Cool: But the pollution in your lake - it's dissolving our barge!
[Moe is sitting in a deck chair. Lisa is standing next to him]
Lisa Simpson: I thought they touched on a vital issue.
Moe: I beg to differ.
[He throws a rock at the stage, which penetrates the bass drum and hits Frank in the crotch]
Tre Cool: Oh.
Mike Dirnt: Gentlemen, it's been an honour playing with you tonight.
[Green Day put down their instruments and bring out violins as the barge sinks. Lisa looks on woefully]

"The Simpsons: New Kid on the Block (#4.8)" (1992)
[answering a prank phone call from Bart]
Moe: Moe's Tavern... Yeah, just a sec, I'll check.
[calling out]
Moe: Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
[whole bar bursts into laughter]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [into phone] You little SOB! If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!

Moe: Oh, I better get back and check on Barney.
Barney: [drinking beer straight from the tap] Oh, oh, my heart stopped!
[after about 10 seconds]
Barney: There it goes.

Barney: [drinking beer from the tap at Moe's] Uh-oh, my heart just stopped.
Barney: Oh, there it goes.

"The Simpsons: Mr. Plow (#4.9)" (1992)
Linda Ronstadt: [singing] When the snow is a fallin theres a man you should be callin. That's KLD-796. Let it ring.
Barney, Linda Ronstadt: Mr Plow is a loser, and I think he is a boozer, so you'd better make that call to the Plow King.

Barney: [to Adam West] So long, Superman. Your secret identity is safe with me.

Homer: There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.
Barney: Oh yeah? Which president is on it?
Homer: Um, all of them. They are having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch.

"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob Roberts (#6.5)" (1994)
Birchibald T. Barlow: [on the radio] I want all of you out there to do everything in your power to see that Bob is set free!
Moe Szyslak: All right, you heard the man.
[He takes a box out from under the bar]
Moe Szyslak: Everybody, one grenade each.
Barney Gumble: Moe, I think he meant through non-violent, grassroots, poltical action.
Moe Szyslak: Really? You think? Okay, hand 'em back. Come on, everybody.
Moe Szyslak: Hey, hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?

Moe Szyslak: All right, you heard the man. One granade each.
[handing out a granade fro ma box of granades, to each bar patron]
Barney Gumble: Moe, I think he meant through non-violent grassroots political action.
Moe Szyslak: Ah, geez, really, you think so? All right - give 'em back. Come on, everybody give 'em back. Hey, HEY! Who pulled the pin on this one?

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III (#4.5)" (1992)
Barney: Wow! Look at the size of that platform!

[while fighting zombies]
Barney: Wow, George Washington!
Homer: Take that, Washington!
Homer: Eat lead, Einstein!
Homer: Show's over, Shakespeare!
[clubs him to the ground]
Zombie Shakespeare: Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?

"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Homer (#5.9)" (1993)
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe Szyslak: [not very interested] Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend, Joey Jo-Jo Junior... Shabadoo?
Moe Szyslak: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[a man runs out of Moe's crying]
Barney Gumble: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!

Homer: Moe, I've got a friend named Joey... Joe Joe Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.
[a man runs out of the bar crying]
Barney: Wait! Joey Joe Joe!

"The Simpsons: Kamp Krusty (#4.1)" (1992)
Bart: That's Not Krusty the Klown!
Mr. Black: What do you think, I just slapped a clown suit on some wino?
[laughs weakly]
Barney Gumble: Yeah Bart, I am so Crunchy the Clown!

Bart: All right, that's it! I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins, my Krusty calculator didn't have a 7 or an 8, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions, but this time he's gone too far! We want Krusty!
Campers: We want Krusty! We want Krusty!
Barney Gumble: Yeah, we want Crunchy! We want Crunchy!

"The Simpsons: The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson (#9.1)" (1997)
Lenny: Hey, let's go to the girls college!
Carl: No! Playboy Mansion, Playboy Mansion!
Homer Simpson: It's my car, and I say we're going to the Lost City of Gold!
Barney Gumble: [angry] Oh, that's just drunk talk!
Barney Gumble: Sweet, beautiful drunk talk...

Homer: [after Barney has been missing for two months] Barney, where have you been?
Barney: All I can remember about the last two months, is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner.

"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)
Leonard Nimoy: My job here is done.
Barney Gumble: What do you mean? You didn't do anything.
Leonard Nimoy: [chuckles] Didn't I?
[gets "beamed" away, a la "Star Trek"]

Lyle Lanely: [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
[points at Ned Flanders]
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanely: What's it called?
Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier: Monorail.
Lyle Lanely: That's right, monorail!
[runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]
Crowd: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
[continues underneath those who speak]
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanely: [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanely: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney Gumble: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanely: You'll be given cushy jobs.
Grampa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanely: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanely: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: [speaking] What's it called?
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: Once again!
Crowd: [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!

"The Simpsons: I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can (#14.12)" (2003)
[Barney lies drunk in the street]
Barney: Spell 'relapse!'
Lisa: R-E-L-A-P-S-E!
Barney: [singing] That's what beer has done to me!

Barney: [drunk, laying on the side of the road] Spell 'relapse'.
Lisa: R-E-L-A-P-S-E
Barney: [singing] That's what beer has done to me! Sockittome, sockittome, sockittome, sockittome!

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Vegetarian (#7.5)" (1995)
[Homer fills the grill with lighter fluid and prepares to grill]
Lisa: Wait Dad! Good news, everyone! You don't have to eat meat! I've got enough gazpacho for everyone.
[Crowd murmurs]
Lisa: It's tomato soup, served ice cold!
[Crowd laughs out loud as Lisa growls and stomps off]
Barney Gumble: Go back to Russia!

Homer: Wow, Barney. You brought a whole beer keg.
Barney: Yeah... where do I fill it up?

"The Simpsons: Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk (#3.11)" (1991)
Moe Szyslak: Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
Bart Simpson: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem. First name Bea.
Moe Szyslak: Uh, yeah, just a minute. I'll check. Uh, Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem? Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
Barney Gumble: You sure do!

The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)
Barney Gumble: Whoa, things sure are swirly.

"The Simpsons: Homerpalooza (#7.24)" (1996)
[the teenagers Homer and Barney are doing an acapella version of "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" in front of a mirror]
Middle-aged Grampa: What the Hell are you two doin'?
Young Barney: It's called rockin' out!
Young Homer: You wouldn't understan', dad. You're not *with it*.
Middle-aged Grampa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what *it* was. Now what I'm with isn't *it*, and what's *it* seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you...

"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Kancelled (#4.22)" (1993)
Anthony Kiedis: You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people.
Moe: It does. We had 30,000 here last night. Now play. The audience is getting restless.
Barney: [flicking a lighter] We want chilly-willy. We want chilly-willy.

"The Simpsons: Love Is a Many Strangled Thing (#22.17)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: Can't talk now. Texting.
Moe Szyslak: Ooh, a text. Heh. Let's see... text message for I.M. A. Weiner. As you can all see, I.M. A. Weiner.
Barney Gumble: [the barflies all laugh] I see it, Moe!
Moe Szyslak: Why you... when I...
Moe Szyslak: "When I a hold of you..." Oh, damn it, I typed a 'F' and not a 'D'. Uh... delete, delete, delete, delete. Oh, crap, I just donated $20 to Haiti.

"The Simpsons: The Telltale Head (#1.8)" (1990)
Barney: How long is this going to take?
Bart: About twenty-two minutes and five seconds.
[the average length of an episode without the commercials]

"The Simpsons: We're on the Road to D'Ohwhere (#17.11)" (2006)
Carl: Moe, why you being so generous? You're usually so stingy and ratlike.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, well, you remember that time I tried to hang myself and the rope broke? Well, I sued the rope company and I got a huge settlement, and a new rope!
Barney: Wow!
Homer Simpson: Ooh!
Carl: Hey, nice rope.
Lenny: You could hang a cow with that thing.

"The Simpsons: Homer's Phobia (#8.15)" (1997)
[hiding underneath a trough]
Barney: Is it okay to come out now, Mr. Gay Man, sir?

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Famous (#5.12)" (1994)
Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
Bart: Thanks, Mom.
Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba.
Marge: Hmmmmm.
Maggie: [sucks pacifier]
Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney Gumble: [belches]
Nelson: Ha-ha.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
[pause, everyone stares at Lisa]
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catchphrase is that?

"The Simpsons: Simpson Tide (#9.19)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: I've joined the Naval Reserve.
Barney: I'm not going to let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too.
Moe: I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers, I'm joining, too.
Apu: Even though my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Sax (#9.3)" (1997)
Homer Simpson: Oh, my father gave me beer as a child.'Til wrapped my little red wagon around a tree.
Barney Gumble: [Flashback to Homer and Barney as boys] Let's never drink again.
Homer Simpson: [Flashback to the present, Homer has a Duff beer in his hand] And we never did.
[Drinks it]

"The Simpsons: Homer vs. the 18th Amendment (#8.18)" (1997)
[Banner is interrogating a drunk Barney in the street]
Rex Banner: Listen, rummy, I'm gonna say it plain and simple. Where'd you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?
Barney: Yes?

"The Simpsons: Million Dollar Maybe (#21.11)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: Here I have all this money, and I can't even use it to help the woman who gave birth to me.
Barney Gumble: Why don't you buy stuff for your family and leave it where they can find it?
Homer Simpson: That's brilliant! Just for that, you can help yourself to anything from this tree.
Barney Gumble: But that's not the money tree.
Homer Simpson: This is the tree where I hide my adult magazines.
[Barney reaches inside, pulls out issues of The Economist]
Barney Gumble: Whoa!

"The Simpsons: Homer's Triple Bypass (#4.11)" (1992)
Moe: [Homer is about to have a triple bypass operation] Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
Barney: [after a short while] How long has it been?
Moe: Six seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell, no.

"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
Moe: Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe: The results came back today.

"The Simpsons: There's No Disgrace Like Home (#1.4)" (1990)
Barney Gumble: Don't blame yourself, Homer. You've got crummy little kids that nobody can control.
Homer: You can't talk that way about my kids! Well, at least two of them, anyway.
Barney Gumble: Why? Have you got two I haven't met?
Homer: [angrily] Why you! Here's FIVE you haven't met!
[punches Barney off his stool]

"The Simpsons: Secrets of a Successful Marriage (#5.22)" (1994)
Homer: [playing poker, gagging and coughing up poker chips] Ew! Don't try to eat these so called "chips".
Moe: Are you gonna take some cards, or not?
Homer: Oh... heh, yeah.
[takes four cards]
Homer: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Er, I mean, "woohoo".
Moe: I'm in.
Lenny: I'm in.
Carl: I'm in.
Barney: I'm in.
Homer: Aww, I was bluffing.
[lays out cards]
Moe: Ha, ha, ha! Come to papa!
[takes chips and looks at cards]
Moe: What? You have a straight flush, Homer! Ya do this *every* time! Arrrgh-eeengh-gah! Choking on my own rage here!

"The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish (#2.11)" (1991)
Eddie: [opening Homer's jail cell door] OK, flash. You get one phone call.
Homer Simpson: [at a phone, about to dial] Wait, I can't call Marge. It's our last day on Earth together, I can't drag her into this mess. I know, I'll call Barney.
[he dials. Cut to an answering machine in Barney's filthy apartment. Barney is sitting on the couch cutting his toenails]
Voices on Answering Machine: [to the tune of Beethoven's 5th Symphony] Nobody's here! Nobody's here! Nobody's here, nobody's here, nobody's here!
Homer Simpson: Damn those novelty telephone answering machine tapes! Thanks a lot, Barney, I just wasted my one phone call on your stupid...
Barney Gumble: [rushes to the phone and picks up it up] What? Wait! I'm home! I'm home! Hi, Homer.
Homer Simpson: You've got to help me, Barney, I'm in jail.
Barney Gumble: You are? Hey, Homer, go to the window.
[looks out of his window overlooking the police station, sees Homer inside and waves to him]
Barney Gumble: Hiya neighbour! I can seee you!
Homer Simpson: D'oh, gah! Just get over here and bring 50 bucks for bail!
Barney Gumble: 50 bucks! What'd you do, kill a judge?

"The Simpsons: Homer's Night Out (#1.10)" (1990)
Barney Gumble: In case you get hungry, there's an open beer in the fridge.

"The Simpsons: Like Father, Like Clown (#3.6)" (1991)
Moe Szyslak: [tearing up while watching Krusty and his father sing on TV] I've got something in my eye.
Barney Gumble: [offering filthy handkerchief] Here, take my hanky.
Moe Szyslak: [taking it and jumping back in shock, seeing its condition] Euueeh!

"The Simpsons: Brake My Wife, Please (#14.20)" (2003)
Barney Gumble: Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road!

"The Simpsons: The Monkey Suit (#17.21)" (2006)
Barney Gumble: Homer's son's sister is right!

"The Simpsons: Deep Space Homer (#5.15)" (1994)
NASA Assistant: Oh, and Mr. Gumble... For the duration of the training there'll be no more beer.
Barney Gumble: What? Three whole weeks with only wine? I'll go crazy!

"The Simpsons: Homer at the Bat (#3.17)" (1992)
Barney: [in Moe's Tavern] And I say, that England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
[punches him out]
Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barn'!
Moe: Pitt the Elder...
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
[punches him out]

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#6.25)" (1995)
Moe Szyslak: I lost my bar!
Barney Gumble: I lost his bar!
Lisa Simpson: He robbed the school of music!
Principal Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security!
Tito Puente: He robbed the school of Tito!
Homer: He can't remember my name!
Marge Simpson: He's causing us all to yell!
[Maggie sucks her pacifier violently]
Bart Simpson: Look what he did to my best friend!
[Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies]
Bart Simpson: No, my dog!
[Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart]
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?

"The Simpsons: Whacking Day (#4.20)" (1993)
Barney: [Barney is hitting the ground with a stick] Take that snake! Ungh! And you too! Snakes! Snakes everyhere!
Lenny: Getting ready for Whacking Day?
Barney: What's Whacking Day?

"The Simpsons: Bart's Comet (#6.14)" (1995)
Homer: Shut up! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it. I can't take this anymore. I can't let that brave man out there die alone. I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you - especially his children. I'm going out there!
[goes out, slams door behind him, then pops his head back in]
Homer: It was a baby ox.
Moe: He's right, you know.
Principal Skinner: [surprised] About the ox?
Moe: About everything, dammit! Hey Homer, wait up. I want to die too.
Apu: If you are going, I am going.
Barney Gumble: Me too!
[everyone assents and leaves]

"The Simpsons: Homer Defined (#3.5)" (1991)
Barney Gumble: [Barney's advice to Homer before he has to give a big speech to the workers at a power plant in Shelbyville to help calm him down] Just picture everyone in their underwear.

"The Simpsons: Springfield Up (#18.13)" (2007)
Carl Carlson: [at a wishing well] I wish for world peace.
Barney Gumble: I wish for world war.
Carl Carlson: Hey, that is cooler.

The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
Homer Simpson: Barney, you know that cooler I gave you for your birthday? Well, Flanders wants it back.
Barney Gumble: Now what am I gonna use for a toilet?

"The Simpsons: Homer's Barbershop Quartet (#5.1)" (1993)
Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero.
David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?