Selma Bouvier
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Quotes for
Selma Bouvier (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: Black Widower (#3.21)" (1992)
Sideshow Bob: [Sideshow bob is watching TV with Selma]
Man: Thank you, Sen?or MacGyver, you saved our village.
MacGyver: Don't thank me, thank the Moon's gravitational pull.
Selma: That MacGyver's a genius.
Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius, he's an actor, and second, he's not *much* of an actor.
Selma: You're lying! You're lying!
Sideshow Bob: No Selma, this is lying: that was a well-plotted piece of nonclaptrap that never made me want to retch.

Selma: You tried to kill me! I want a separation!

Selma: Bob, one of my fillings fell out.
Sideshow Bob: Even murder has its ugly side...
[after trying to scrub himself clean in the bathroom]

Sideshow Bob: Soon I will kill you...
[under his breath while rubbing one of her feet]
Selma: Huh?
[sitting up]
Sideshow Bob: Son pied sent beau; French for: her foot smells lovely.
Selma: Oh.
[laying back down]
Sideshow Bob: Prepare to be murdered...
[under his breath again]
Selma: Huh?
[sitting up again]
Sideshow Bob: Pa parda mai moul-doo. That's... Sanskrit for your toes are like perfume.
[Phonetic spelling]
Selma: Hahaha.
[lays back down]
Sideshow Bob: Voy a matarle...
[under his breath]
Selma: What?
Sideshow Bob: That's spanish for... I'm going to kill you...
[saying the last part under his breath]
Selma: Say what?

Sideshow Bob: Bart, I must know how did you untangle my web?
Homer Simpson: Yeah, Bart, clue us in.
Bart: [looking at Chief Wiggum] I'd hate to tell the number-one cop in town how to do his job.
Chief Wiggum: No, please, it's the only way I'll learn.
Bart: All right. Sideshow Bob seemed desperate to get that fireplace, but why? Then it hit me - The gas! Surely anyone would have noticed a gas leak except Aunt Selma.
Selma: [flashback] I permanently lost my sense of smell.
Bart: She happily watched MacGyver unaware that her room was silently filling with natural gas. All it needed to explode was a single spark, say, from a cigarette.
Selma: [flashback] I've decided to give up smoking except after meals and MacGyver.
Bart: Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father. When Aunt Selma lights up after MacGyver she'll be blown to kingdom come.
Homer Simpson: [flashback] Come again?
Bart: After trying four times to explain it to Homer I explained it to Mom and we were on our way!
Homer Simpson: [flashback] To the Simpson Mobile!
Sideshow Bob: If you saved Selma, why did the room explode?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'll field that one.
Chief Wiggum: [flashback: The police and Homer smoking cigars] Me and my boys were celebrating on a job well done when I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene.
Chief Wiggum: [flashback: The room explodes] Oh, right, the gas.
Sideshow Bob: [being led away in handcuffs, laughing at the end] I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.
Selma: I feel like such a fool.
Marge: Well, he fooled almost everyone. But there was one little boy who never lost his mistrust.
Bart: Thanks, Mom. Now, let's get out of this gas-filled hallway before we all suffocate.

"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Patty and Selma (#6.17)" (1995)
Selma: We own you like Siegfried owns Roy.

[Homer enters the room]
Selma: Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?

Patty: We thought we'd stop by unexpectedly for dinner.
Selma: Now bring us some extra chairs like a good blubber-in-law.
Homer: Time to fertilize the lawn; a couple of 500 pound bags should do it!
[grabs them by the neck]

Selma: After all, you can't spell obsequious without iou.
Homer: I'll have to take your word on that.

"The Simpsons: The Real Housewives of Fat Tony (#22.19)" (2011)
Fat Tony: Selma, would you do me the honor of spending the rest of my life with me?
Selma Bouvier: Oh, Fat Tony. If there was an Italian word for yes, I would be saying it right now.

Fat Tony: I like you. I don't know whether to smack you on your kisser or kiss you on your smacker.
Selma Bouvier: And I don't know whether to peck you on your kicker or kick you on your...

Selma Bouvier: Marge, if I ever get proposed again, please gouge my eyes out.
Louie: We can teach you how to do it too. The secret is not to stop until you hear a pop.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VI (#7.6)" (1995)
[after Homer steps out into 3D land]
Homer Simpson: [disembodied] Hello? Can anybody hear me?
Marge Simpson: Homer! Where are you?
Homer Simpson: Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am.
Marge Simpson: Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again.
Homer Simpson: Just a second... no, it's a place I've never been before.
Selma: Hmm. The shower.
Homer Simpson: Hey! I don't want to alarm you, Marge, but I seem to be trapped in here.

Ned Flanders: [looking for Homer] Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack, "I'm stumped."
Selma: Huh. It's like he just disappeared into fat air.
[she and Patty laugh]

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what's it like in there?
Homer Simpson: Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?
Dr. Hibbert: No.
Lisa Simpson: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Marge Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson: No.
Selma: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Ned Flanders: No.
Selma: No.
Prof. John Frink: No.
Reverend Lovejoy: No.
Chief Wiggum: Yes. I mean, I'm a-I mean, no. No.

"The Simpsons: Homer Scissorhands (#22.20)" (2011)
Patty Bouvier: Who undid my do?
Ned Flanders: I didn't do diddly, and certainly not squat.

Selma Bouvier: I'd never thought I'd say this, but Homer Simpson, do me!
[Homer puts the shears to his throat]
Selma Bouvier: I meant my hair.
[Homer sighs in relief]

Selma Bouvier: You did this? With your fat fingers and brain the size of a superball?
[Cut to cross-section of Homer's head, showing brain bouncing around until it comes out his ear and bounces away]
Homer Simpson: And stay out!

"The Simpsons: I Married Marge (#3.12)" (1991)
Selma: Marge, I've got two and a half words for you: Gulp 'N Blow.

Homer: [Knocking on door] Marge! Marge!
Jacqueline Bouvier: You're a little late. She's gone to the hospital.
Homer: The hospital?
Jacqueline Bouvier: I'll drive you.
Homer: Thanks, Mom.
Jacqueline Bouvier: Don't *ever* call me that.

"The Simpsons: Half-Decent Proposal (#13.10)" (2002)
Patty: Overnight bag, no husband in sight - it's happened!
Selma: She left Homer? I'll get the champale!
Patty: And let's get that ring off!
Marge Simpson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Delilah! I didn't leave Homer, and I never will. I just need one night away from his snoring.
Selma: Great - we'll have a girls' night.
Patty: No bras!

Selma: Let's catch the tail end of Nookie in New York.
Marge Simpson: Nookie in New York?
Patty: It's a cable show about four single women who act like gay men.
Marge Simpson: That sounds great!
Miranda: [Marge, Patty and Selma turn on "Nookie in New York"] If I'm not having sex by the end of this goat-cheese quesadilla, I'm going to scream.
Charlotte: I also enjoy sex.
Samantha: Since this morning, I've had sex with a New York Knick, two subway cops, and a guy who works on Wall Street.
Charlotte: Broker?
Carrie: Nah. She's just really sore.
[They all laugh]
Patty: [Back in the apartment] This is so like our lives.
Selma: It's like they hid a camera in our apartment.

"The Simpsons: Bart on the Road (#7.20)" (1996)
[on working at the DMV]
Patty: Some days we don't let the line move at all.
Selma: Yeah, we call those *week*days.

[Selma just took Cletus' picture for his driver's license]
Selma: Okay. One more step. I just gotta go laminate your license. You'll get it in two to three weeks.
Cletus: Hot damn! No more sittin' in the dirt at the drive-in!

"The Simpsons: A Fish Called Selma (#7.19)" (1996)
[after being told by Marge that Troy only married her to help his career, Selma returns home to find Troy lounging by the pool]
Selma: [firmly] Troy is this a sham marriage?
Troy: [causally] Sure, baby, is that a problem-o?

Selma: [to Marge] Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us?
[uncomfortable pause]
Selma: Oh, come on! Guess which one.
Homer: [excitedly] I know! I know! It's Selma, right?

"The Simpsons: You Kent Always Say What You Want (#18.22)" (2007)
Selma Bouvier: We win by forfeit.
Patty Bouvier: The sweetest win there is.

"The Simpsons: Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk (#3.11)" (1991)
[Rumors of a buyout at the power plant sends the employee's token stock offerings skyrocketing in value. Homer comes home]
Homer: Sorry, Marge. I already spent it.
Marge Simpson: On what?
Homer: Beer.
Selma Bouvier: Surprise, surprise.
Marge Simpson: You spent $5,200 on beer?
Homer: $5,200? What are you talking about?
[Marge points to the TV]
Homer: What?
[He crouches in front of the TV, seeing the closing price of the stock he sold, and screams]
Homer: I sold it all for 25 bucks!
[Bart kicks him in the butt, knocking his head into the TV]
Homer: OW!
Bart Simpson: Come on, everyone, it makes you feel better!

"The Simpsons: Four Great Women and a Manicure (#20.20)" (2009)
Selma Bouvier: [as Elizabeth I] I don't need a man, for I have England.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

"The Simpsons: Dangers on a Train (#24.22)" (2013)
Marge Simpson: I just gave all my personal information to this website!
Selma Bouvier: Now you're gonna be hit on by every loser in town.
Patty Bouvier: And this town has losers like Mexico has headless corpses.

"The Simpsons: Puffless (#27.3)" (2015)
Homer Simpson: [Imagining Patty and Selma as fat] He, he! You're fat!
Patty Bouvier: You're even fatter.
Homer Simpson: Damn straight! No one outfats me!

"The Simpsons: Luca$ (#25.17)" (2014)
Selma Bouvier: Girls marry their fathers, Marge. Looks like you're looking at your new ton-in-law.

"The Simpsons: Regarding Margie (#17.20)" (2006)
Patty Bouvier: Your brain is trying to save you from the backed-up toilet of your marriage!

"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Marge: I've left Homer.
Selma Bouvier: Thank God.
Marge: So we need a place to spend the night.
Selma Bouvier: Try the Sleep-Easy motel. I woke up there once. It seemed nice.
Marge: Why can't we stay here?
Selma Bouvier: Aah... we have a gentleman caller.
TV Repair Man: Hey, this TV's not broken, it's just unplugged. What the?
Selma Bouvier: Gotta go!
[Selma shuts the door]

"The Simpsons: Cape Feare (#5.2)" (1993)
Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now?
[a few people raise their hands]
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Be honest...
[everyone raises their hand; a man gasps when he notices Patty]
Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.

"The Simpsons: Rome-old and Juli-eh (#18.15)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: Aah! A bear is eating my father!
Selma Bouvier: I'm Selma.
Homer Simpson: Aah! A talking bear is eating my father!

"The Simpsons: Dangerous Curves (#20.5)" (2008)
Patty Bouvier: I can't believe Homer ruined another family picnic.
Homer Simpson: [offended] Hey! Everybody pees in the pool!
Selma Bouvier: Not from the diving board!

"The Simpsons: Monty Can't Buy Me Love (#10.21)" (1999)
Kent Brockman: Monster fever has gripped Springfield by the throat. And it's all thanks to one man. Montgomery Burns has captured not only a legendary monster, but also our hearts. And by the way girls, he's single!
Selma Bouvier: Single? Well, he passes the Selma test.

"The Simpsons: The Otto Show (#3.22)" (1992)
[at the DMV, Patty is chuckling]
Selma: What's so funny?
Patty: I was just thinking about the time Homer got his nose caught in the toaster.
Selma: We'll watch the tape tonight.

The Simpsons: Tapped Out (2012) (VG)
Patty Bouvier: I'm sorry, your application to talk to me has been denied.

"The Simpsons: Wedding for Disaster (#20.15)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: If you don't want us to tell, you're gonna have to pay.
Patty Bouvier: Pay what?
Bart Simpson: Don't ask me. She's the brains. I'm the thing that's not the brains.

"The Simpsons: Principal Charming (#2.14)" (1991)
Selma Bouvier: [Selma's going on a date with Barney Gumble] It's time to ashcan my girlhood hopes and dreams, and grab hold of the first train out of the station.

"The Simpsons: Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire (#1.1)" (1989)
Homer: Look at this tree. Beauty, isn't it?
Patty: Why is there a bird house in it?
Homer: Er... That's an ornament.
Selma: Do I smell gun powder?

"The Simpsons: Goo Goo Gai Pan (#16.12)" (2005)
Homer: [drunk; seeing a dragon out of a plane] I'll give you one!
Dragons: Oh, you are a VERY greedy man. The other dragons will hear of this!
Homer: Hey dragon! You fly like a girl!
Selma: Homer, when we get to China. I need you to do me a favor.
Homer: Anything for you, oh wise mountain ape.
Selma: [sighs] You have to pretend to be my husband.
Dragons: That's him. The man who broke a dragon's heart.
Dragons: [in Chinese opera singing voice] The man who broke a dragon's heart.

"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)
Lyle Lanely: [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
[points at Ned Flanders]
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanely: What's it called?
Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier: Monorail.
Lyle Lanely: That's right, monorail!
[runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]
Crowd: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
[continues underneath those who speak]
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanely: [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanely: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney Gumble: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanely: You'll be given cushy jobs.
Grampa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanely: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanely: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: [speaking] What's it called?
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: Once again!
Crowd: [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!

"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Busted (#1.12)" (1990)
[on the surveiilance tape durning the breaking news]
Homer Simpson: The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have watch a slideshow starring my wife's sisters. As far as I call them, the Gruesome Twosome.
Marge Simpson: [Embarrassed] Oh Homer.
Patty Bouvier: [infuriated along with Selma] So the truth comes out.

"The Simpsons: Duffless (#4.16)" (1993)
Selma Bouvier: Thank you all for coming. We've got some very exciting new developments in the field of Supperware. This is the 128-ounce tub. You can fit your whole head in it.
[She does so, her pet iguana recoils]
Selma Bouvier: Don't be scared, Jub-Jub. It's Mama.
Homer: [under his breath] I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.