Patty Bouvier
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Quotes for
Patty Bouvier (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: The Real Housewives of Fat Tony (#22.19)" (2011)
Fat Tony: Selma, would you do me the honor of spending the rest of my life with me?
Selma Bouvier: Oh, Fat Tony. If there was an Italian word for yes, I would be saying it right now.

Fat Tony: I like you. I don't know whether to smack you on your kisser or kiss you on your smacker.
Selma Bouvier: And I don't know whether to peck you on your kicker or kick you on your...

Selma Bouvier: Marge, if I ever get proposed again, please gouge my eyes out.
Louie: We can teach you how to do it too. The secret is not to stop until you hear a pop.

"The Simpsons: Homer Scissorhands (#22.20)" (2011)
Patty Bouvier: Who undid my do?
Ned Flanders: I didn't do diddly, and certainly not squat.

Selma Bouvier: I'd never thought I'd say this, but Homer Simpson, do me!
[Homer puts the shears to his throat]
Selma Bouvier: I meant my hair.
[Homer sighs in relief]

Selma Bouvier: You did this? With your fat fingers and brain the size of a superball?
[Cut to cross-section of Homer's head, showing brain bouncing around until it comes out his ear and bounces away]
Homer Simpson: And stay out!

"The Simpsons: The Otto Show (#3.22)" (1992)
Patty: [Otto walks into the DMV and meets Patty, who holds a green pen in her right hand, and a red pen in the left] Hello, my name's Patty. I'll be testing you. When you do well, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions?
Otto: Yeah, one: Have you always been a chick? I mean, I don't want to offend you, but, you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open minded.
Patty: [Drops green pen] I won't be needing this!

Patty: Well, if it isn't Wee Willie Wash-out.
Otto: I want to take the test again.
Patty: Why?
Otto: So I can staple my license to Homer Simpson's big, bald head!
Patty: [interested] Really?

[at the DMV, Patty is chuckling]
Selma: What's so funny?
Patty: I was just thinking about the time Homer got his nose caught in the toaster.
Selma: We'll watch the tape tonight.

"The Simpsons: I Married Marge (#3.12)" (1991)
[Marge is pregnant with Bart]
Marge: Hey, come over here and feel our baby kicking.
Homer: Wow! Kid, I won't let you down. I swear to you, when you come out of there, the first thing you're going to see is a man with a good job.
Patty: Yeah... the doctor.

Homer: [Knocking on door] Marge! Marge!
Jacqueline Bouvier: You're a little late. She's gone to the hospital.
Homer: The hospital?
Jacqueline Bouvier: I'll drive you.
Homer: Thanks, Mom.
Jacqueline Bouvier: Don't *ever* call me that.

"The Simpsons: Half-Decent Proposal (#13.10)" (2002)
Patty: Overnight bag, no husband in sight - it's happened!
Selma: She left Homer? I'll get the champale!
Patty: And let's get that ring off!
Marge Simpson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Delilah! I didn't leave Homer, and I never will. I just need one night away from his snoring.
Selma: Great - we'll have a girls' night.
Patty: No bras!

Selma: Let's catch the tail end of Nookie in New York.
Marge Simpson: Nookie in New York?
Patty: It's a cable show about four single women who act like gay men.
Marge Simpson: That sounds great!
Miranda: [Marge, Patty and Selma turn on "Nookie in New York"] If I'm not having sex by the end of this goat-cheese quesadilla, I'm going to scream.
Charlotte: I also enjoy sex.
Samantha: Since this morning, I've had sex with a New York Knick, two subway cops, and a guy who works on Wall Street.
Charlotte: Broker?
Carrie: Nah. She's just really sore.
[They all laugh]
Patty: [Back in the apartment] This is so like our lives.
Selma: It's like they hid a camera in our apartment.

"The Simpsons: Black Widower (#3.21)" (1992)
Marge: Now, I know you're all excited about meeting Aunt Selman's new boyfriend...
[Homer blows air through his lips]
Patty: But before he gets here there's something you should know about him... Something *disturbing*.
[Homer, Lisa and Bart all have thoughts in their heads about what Selma's new boyfriend is like]
Patty: You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone. So in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird.
Bart: Cool, he can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray.
Marge: Now, now he's an *ex*-convict. He's paid his debt to society.
Patty: Then how come you're not using the good silverware?
Marge: I'm just not.

[At Selma's wedding reception]
Patty: [sighs] I guess I'm the only single girl left in the family.
[Watches Homer stuff his face]
Patty: Things could be worse.

"The Simpsons: Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire (#1.1)" (1989)
Homer: Look at this tree. Beauty, isn't it?
Patty: Why is there a bird house in it?
Homer: Er... That's an ornament.
Selma: Do I smell gun powder?

Homer: [answering the phone] Hello?
Patty: Is Marge there?
Homer: Who is this?
Patty: Marge, please?
Homer: This is her sister, isn't it?
Patty: May I please speak to Marge?
Homer: Whom shall I ask is calling?
Patty: Marge, please.

"The Simpsons: There's Something About Marrying (#16.10)" (2005)
Patty: Hey, saturated fats. I came to ask you a favor.
Homer Simpson: Let me get my beltsander. Maybe I can grind the ugly off your face.
Patty: Very funny.
Homer Simpson: I wasn't joking!
[Homer pulls out a beltsander, turns it on, and advances on Patty]

Patty: I need a favor.
Homer Simpson: Hang on, I'll get my belt sander and try to grind the ugly off your face!
Patty: Ha, ha, ha, very funny.
Homer Simpson: I wasn't joking!
[pulls out a belt sander and turns it on]

"The Simpsons: Saturdays of Thunder (#3.9)" (1991)
Homer: Oh my God, I don't know jack about my boy!
Homer: I'm a bad father!
Patty: You're also fat.
Homer: [sobbing] I'm also fat!

"The Simpsons: You Kent Always Say What You Want (#18.22)" (2007)
Selma Bouvier: We win by forfeit.
Patty Bouvier: The sweetest win there is.

"The Simpsons: Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk (#3.11)" (1991)
[Rumors of a buyout at the power plant sends the employee's token stock offerings skyrocketing in value. Homer comes home]
Homer: Sorry, Marge. I already spent it.
Marge Simpson: On what?
Homer: Beer.
Selma Bouvier: Surprise, surprise.
Marge Simpson: You spent $5,200 on beer?
Homer: $5,200? What are you talking about?
[Marge points to the TV]
Homer: What?
[He crouches in front of the TV, seeing the closing price of the stock he sold, and screams]
Homer: I sold it all for 25 bucks!
[Bart kicks him in the butt, knocking his head into the TV]
Homer: OW!
Bart Simpson: Come on, everyone, it makes you feel better!

"The Simpsons: Four Great Women and a Manicure (#20.20)" (2009)
Selma Bouvier: [as Elizabeth I] I don't need a man, for I have England.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

"The Simpsons: Dangers on a Train (#24.22)" (2013)
Marge Simpson: I just gave all my personal information to this website!
Selma Bouvier: Now you're gonna be hit on by every loser in town.
Patty Bouvier: And this town has losers like Mexico has headless corpses.

"The Simpsons: Puffless (#27.3)" (2015)
Homer Simpson: [Imagining Patty and Selma as fat] He, he! You're fat!
Patty Bouvier: You're even fatter.
Homer Simpson: Damn straight! No one outfats me!

"The Simpsons: Luca$ (#25.17)" (2014)
Selma Bouvier: Girls marry their fathers, Marge. Looks like you're looking at your new ton-in-law.

"The Simpsons: Regarding Margie (#17.20)" (2006)
Patty Bouvier: Your brain is trying to save you from the backed-up toilet of your marriage!

"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Patty and Selma (#6.17)" (1995)
Patty: We thought we'd stop by unexpectedly for dinner.
Selma: Now bring us some extra chairs like a good blubber-in-law.
Homer: Time to fertilize the lawn; a couple of 500 pound bags should do it!
[grabs them by the neck]

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III (#4.5)" (1992)
[after Homer runs, screaming and naked, through the kitchen]
Patty Bouvier: There goes the last lingering threat of my heterosexuality.

"The Simpsons: Cape Feare (#5.2)" (1993)
Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now?
[a few people raise their hands]
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Be honest...
[everyone raises their hand; a man gasps when he notices Patty]
Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.

"The Simpsons: Rome-old and Juli-eh (#18.15)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: Aah! A bear is eating my father!
Selma Bouvier: I'm Selma.
Homer Simpson: Aah! A talking bear is eating my father!

"The Simpsons: Bart on the Road (#7.20)" (1996)
[on working at the DMV]
Patty: Some days we don't let the line move at all.
Selma: Yeah, we call those *week*days.

"The Simpsons: Homer Alone (#3.15)" (1992)
Marge Simpson: Homer, if Maggie really doesn't want to go, maybe she should stay here with you.
Patty: Are you sure that's wise? He'll probably trade her for a beer and a nudie magazine.

"The Simpsons: Dangerous Curves (#20.5)" (2008)
Patty Bouvier: I can't believe Homer ruined another family picnic.
Homer Simpson: [offended] Hey! Everybody pees in the pool!
Selma Bouvier: Not from the diving board!

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VIII (#9.4)" (1997)
Patty: So you've finally left Derwood?
Marge Simpson: His name is Homer.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's First Word (#4.10)" (1992)
Patty: The older they get, the cuter they ain't. Aww, look. The baby just spit up.

"The Simpsons: Wedding for Disaster (#20.15)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: If you don't want us to tell, you're gonna have to pay.
Patty Bouvier: Pay what?
Bart Simpson: Don't ask me. She's the brains. I'm the thing that's not the brains.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#6.25)" (1995)
[last lines of the episode as the Springfieldians gather to see Mr. Burns laid out on the sundial]
Patty Bouvier: Mr. Burns has been shot.
Chief Wiggum: Just a minute! This isn't Mr. Burns at all! It's a mask!
[Wiggum pulls on Burns' face]
Chief Wiggum: Wait, it is Burns.
Chief Wiggum: His wrinkly skin looks like a mask.
Marge Simpson: I don't think we'll ever know who did this. Everyone in town is a suspect.
[the camera pans across the Springfieldians and stops on Dr. Hibbert, who chuckles]
Doctor Hibbert: Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?
[Hibbert points to the camera which pulls back to reveal that he's pointing to Wiggum]
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's my job, right?
[to be continued... ]

"The Simpsons: Principal Charming (#2.14)" (1991)
Selma Bouvier: [Selma's going on a date with Barney Gumble] It's time to ashcan my girlhood hopes and dreams, and grab hold of the first train out of the station.

"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)
Lyle Lanely: [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
[points at Ned Flanders]
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanely: What's it called?
Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier: Monorail.
Lyle Lanely: That's right, monorail!
[runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]
Crowd: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
[continues underneath those who speak]
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanely: [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanely: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney Gumble: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanely: You'll be given cushy jobs.
Grampa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanely: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanely: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: [speaking] What's it called?
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: Once again!
Crowd: [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!

"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Busted (#1.12)" (1990)
[on the surveiilance tape durning the breaking news]
Homer Simpson: The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have watch a slideshow starring my wife's sisters. As far as I call them, the Gruesome Twosome.
Marge Simpson: [Embarrassed] Oh Homer.
Patty Bouvier: [infuriated along with Selma] So the truth comes out.

"The Simpsons: Duffless (#4.16)" (1993)
Selma Bouvier: Thank you all for coming. We've got some very exciting new developments in the field of Supperware. This is the 128-ounce tub. You can fit your whole head in it.
[She does so, her pet iguana recoils]
Selma Bouvier: Don't be scared, Jub-Jub. It's Mama.
Homer: [under his breath] I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.