Elliot DiMauro
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Quotes for
Elliot DiMauro (Character)
from "Just Shoot Me!" (1997)

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"Just Shoot Me!: La Cage (#2.4)" (1997)
Elliot DiMauro: Licking stamps?
Dennis Finch: Yeah, I was. Now I'm just answering obvious questions.
Nikki Ellston: Hi. Licking stamps?
Dennis Finch: Good question. Yes, I am.

Elliot DiMauro: Nina, I told you I'd never work with Nikki Ellston.
Nina Van Horn: I thought you said Mickey Rooney.
Elliot DiMauro: Why would I say Mickey Rooney?
Nina Van Horn: Oh, that's right. *I* won't work with Mickey Rooney. Don't ask.

Elliot DiMauro: [on Dennis' clothes] I didn't know Gap for Kids had a pimp department.

Dennis Finch: Could have warned me about the cage.
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah, I'm going around telling everyone I was locked in a cage. I warned you to stay away from her. You are going to stay away from her, right?
Dennis Finch: Yes, definitely... Probably not.
Elliot DiMauro: She put you in a cage.
Dennis Finch: Well, when you think about it, we all live in a cage. Isn't society, by nature, the biggest cage of all?
Elliot DiMauro: Society doesn't take the key with it when it goes to Starbucks.

Elliot DiMauro: This is the beginning of your worst nightmare.
Dennis Finch: No, my worst nightmare involves being covered in frogs.

Elliot DiMauro: She left you in the woods, buddy. Nice girls don't do that.
Dennis Finch: Yeah! There were bees, and other loud things.
Nikki Ellston: Those were just tree frogs.
Dennis Finch: Tree frogs? Good God! If I had known that earlier, I would have run into a big rock and killed myself!

Dennis Finch: Hey.
Elliot DiMauro: Finch, this is an intervention.
Dennis Finch: [to Nina] Ha, ha, ha! I knew those weren't vitamins!

Elliot DiMauro: We have to stop Finch, before it turns into Fatal Attraction.
Jack Gallo: I loved that movie! He goes out with a woman once, and she becomes totally obsessed. Gotta boost a man's ego.

Elliot DiMauro: You don't understand. Nikki, she... she has a wild side.
Dennis Finch: Oh, poor, puritanical, horse-and-buggy-driving Jedediah.
Elliot DiMauro: You're going to regret this.
Dennis Finch: The only thing I regret is not putting talcum on under these pants.

Maya Gallo: Why can't you let Finch have this one? You go out with thousands of models all the time.
Elliot DiMauro: You don't understand. Nikki is crazy.
Maya Gallo: You're so jealous.
Elliot DiMauro: I'm not saying Nikki's crazy because I'm jealous. I'm saying she's crazy because she is crazy.
Nikki Ellston: Hi, Elliot.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, hey, Nikki! This is Maya Gallo.
Nikki Ellston: Maya Gallo. You wrote that article about teen heroin addicts in the Village Voice.
Maya Gallo: Yes.
Nikki Ellston: I read that piece. I was really moved.
Maya Gallo: Thank you.
[Nikki leaves]
Maya Gallo: Wow. You weren't kidding. What a loon.
Elliot DiMauro: Believe me, she makes a good first impression.
Maya Gallo: Yes. When I was little I was petrified that there was a monster under my bed that would complement my work.

Maya Gallo: You were right, Elliot. She is nuts.
Elliot DiMauro: I told you. Now let's get him before she sends him to a biker bar in a sundress.
Maya Gallo: How do you know that?
Elliot DiMauro: I just know, okay?

Dennis Finch: The cage was the last straw for you, wasn't it?
Elliot DiMauro: Right after the cage. And a little time after that - boom! - it was over.

"Just Shoot Me!: In Your Dreams (#1.5)" (1997)
Maya: It's always the same. My face gets all scrunched up, my eyes are half closed, and I end up looking like...
Dennis: Popeye?
Elliot: A smurf?
Nina: Eleanor Roosevelt sneezing?
Jack: What the hell is a smurf?
Dennis: It's that little blue man on your wife's lunchbox.

Elliot: You want me to do a photo ID. That's like asking Picasso to paint your bathroom.
Jack: No, it's like *telling* Picasso to paint your bathroom.

Elliot: When I was on a photo shoot in Australia, this Aborigine tribesman refused to have his picture taken because he thought I was going to steal his soul.
Maya: Don't tell me. You got him to relax and took a great picture.
Elliot: No. He bit me and stole my jeep.
Maya: And your point is?
Elliot: Don't bite me.

Maya: So, this is your studio?
Elliot: Yep.
Maya: Shouldn't there be a sign for the models that says, "you must be this dumb to enter"?

Maya: [about a flimsy nighty] What is this?
Elliot: It was for your story on health care.
Maya: What does that have to do with health care?
Elliot: She was also wearing a nurse's hat.

Jack: Come on, people! We need new stories. Any ideas?
Nina: I got it. How about a ten page layout on the comeback of fur?
Jack: What comeback of fur?
Elliot: The one she's been trying to launch ever since she bought those snow leopard skin hot pants.

Maya: This picture sends the wrong message.
Elliot: What message are you trying to send?
Maya: "My name is Maya Gallo, and I'm a professional."
Elliot: And this says?
Maya: "My name is Maya Gallo, my naughty girlfriends and I are waiting for your calls."

Maya: It's too sexy!
Elliot: I'm not following you.
Maya: This picture you took of me is too sexy!
Elliot: I understand the word "too" and the word "sexy", but put them together, it's just gibberish.

Elliot: No sexual relations between employees? This is an outrage!
Dennis: Relax. Models aren't employees.
Elliot: All hail the manual!

Kristanna: Elliot, what are you thinking about?
Elliot: Oh, nothing.
Kristanna: Hey, me too.

Nina: Wait a minute, you little weasel! "Hemlines shall be in direct proportion to the age of the wearer."
Dennis: It's very simple: if you wore miniskirts in the '60s, spare us in the '90s.
Elliot: Yeah, so cover up those bony broomsticks, will ya?

"Just Shoot Me!: King Lear Jet (#2.5)" (1997)
Jack Gallo: [looking at a photo] Uh-oh, nipple.
Dennis Finch: Really? Give it! I see, there's Waldo. Good eye, chief.
Elliot DiMauro: Let me see. Oh, yeah, turkey's done.
Maya Gallo: Hopefully, this concludes Mutual of Omaha's Nipple Safari.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, Maya. I forgot you were still here.
Maya Gallo: Well, it was my fault for wearing a shirt.

Elliot DiMauro: No one turns down Elliot DiMauro... 53 times.

Dennis Finch: Carmen.
Carmen Electra: Finch.
Dennis Finch: [offers a hug] What, no hug?
Carmen Electra: Finch, I already hugged you twenty minutes ago in the lobby.
Dennis Finch: Oh, right. I forgot. Forgive me?
[they hug]
Elliot DiMauro: Mr. Finch, please don't squeeze the Carmen.

Dennis Finch: Ah, I see Carmen Electra made the cover.
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah - great shot, isn't it? Notice how I made her sexuality leap off the page.
Dennis Finch: Oh, yeah - you're a genius. You took a picture of one of the hottest women in the world and somehow made her look beautiful. What's your secret - are you using some kind of film?

[discussing Elliott's cover shot of Carmen Electra]
Elliot DiMauro: I can't wait to show it to her.
Dennis Finch: She's just gonna turn you down again, pal.
Elliot DiMauro: Nobody says no to Elliott DiMauro... fifty-three times.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, there's a fine between courting and stalking. A Connecticut judge once spelled it out for me.

Maya Gallo: How can you hate Shakespeare? In one couplet, Shakespeare is able to capture the gamut of human emotion: love, joy, sorrow, fear...
Elliot DiMauro: Boredom.
Maya Gallo: You too?
Elliot DiMauro: Face it, no one actually loves Shakespeare. They just say they do, like cuddling.
Maya Gallo: If that's so, then why have his plays been performed for four hundred years?
Nina Van Horn: I saw Shakespeare in the park. Seemed like four hundred years.

Elliot DiMauro: Carmen loves me. She just doesn't know how to express it.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. That's it. She can't express it. Maybe this is what she's thinking.
[tears the picture of Carmen Electra off the cover, tears a hole where her lips are, and puts it in front of his face, the mouth going on the hole]
Dennis Finch: Oh, Elliot. I'm Carmen Electra from TV's Baywatch. Get lost, you pasty freak. I wouldn't even let my stunt double give you mouth-to-mouth.
Elliot DiMauro: That's cute. But this is what she's really thinking.
[takes the photo and puts it to his face]
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, Elliot. Not only are you a genius, but you are the sexiest guy on the beach. I'd like to run in slow motion towards you and climb your lifeguard tower. Oh, help me! The riptide's got me! I'm going down! I'm going down!
Carmen Electra: Elliot, are you through?
Elliot DiMauro: Carmen.
Dennis Finch: Care to make it 54?

Elliot DiMauro: Methinks the lady doth pack too much.
Nina Van Horn: A skycap, a skycap, my kingdom for a skycap!
Maya Gallo: My kingdom for a muzzle.

[Elliot and Nina are stuck in an elevator]
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, this is perfect. Some idiot ripped out the emergency phone and replaced it with a bottle of gin.
Nina Van Horn: It seemed like a good idea last week.

"Just Shoot Me!: Lemon Wacky Hello (#1.6)" (1997)
Jack: Here, Dennis.
Dennis: Oh, another scarf. What are the odds?
Jack: No. It's an ascot. The pictures tell the story of a young boy so daring he stole wisdom from the moon.
Dennis: Thank you. I will cherish it always.
[to Elliot]
Dennis: Trade you for the screaming monkey.
Elliot: Done.

Elliot: Maybe it was something we ate.
Maya: It's the damn Lemon Wacky Hello! Check the ingredients.
Elliot: [reading label] "Cornstarch, citrus taste and hello."

Maya: [after the planning board falls] Elliot, you took a picture!
Elliot: That had nothing to do with it.
Maya: No, you took a picture of the whole board. You have the order of the pages on film.
Elliot: Hey, you're right. Let's check.
[opens the camera and takes out the undeveloped film]
Elliot: You know, it's usually darker when I do this.

Elliot: How was China?
Jack: It was wonderful. You know, it's the Year of the Rat, but I keep writing Year of the Dog on my checks. The guy at the airport told me that one.
Dennis: Not as well as you, I'll bet.

Elliot: You know, this isn't that delicious. Maybe over there "lemon" means dirt.

Maya: Elliot, take a picture of me with my perfect board.
Elliot: Move a little to the left. I want to get both of your heads in the frame.

Nina: I have given my friend here a detailed description of the perp.
Cop: Are you a sketch artist?
Elliot: I dabble. This is the man you're looking for.
Cop: Well, it shouldn't be too difficult. How hard is it to find a cowboy with eight arms and a beak?
Elliot: And salty earlobes.
Cop: I think I have everything I need.
Nina: Are you going to show it to the other cops?
Cop: Oh, yeah!

"Just Shoot Me!: The Proposal: Part 1 (#5.12)" (2001)
Nina Van Horn: Just think, everyone thought I would wind up a man-chasing boozehound. Well, I showed them!
[she leaves]
Elliot DiMauro: What, no comeback? That was a gimme.
Dennis Finch: I don't go for cheap shots. Remember that, baldy.

Jack Gallo: Let's see, airbrush that blemish, perk up her breasts, and give her a tan.
Elliot DiMauro: Got it. And this is for which piece?
Jack Gallo: "The Natural Look is Back."

Elliot DiMauro: What the hell is going on?
Maya Gallo: They canceled Nina Van Horn Day.
Elliot DiMauro: What? Why?
Maya Gallo: [crying] Apparently one of my underground films from the '70s appeared in the Video Barn. Now they say I'm setting a bad example.
Maya Gallo: Some close-minded people can be a little uptight about a little nudity.
Nina Van Horn: ...and other stuff.

Elliot DiMauro: What is going on here?
Jack Gallo: The ring got stuck on his toe.
Dennis Finch: There's a simple explanation for this.
Elliot DiMauro: Really? I can't wait to hear it.
Dennis Finch: I was in the tub, and I was pretending that my feet were getting married to each other.
Jack Gallo: Then he called me and I came over to help.
Dennis Finch: It could have happened to anyone.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, yeah? Name one time.
Elliot DiMauro: I think it happened on an "ER."
Dennis Finch: I saw that one. It really brought the hospital together.
Jack Gallo: They're a very tight-knit group.
Elliot DiMauro: Will you please stop it?

Elliot DiMauro: Jack, I need to tell you something.
Jack Gallo: I'm reading this article about body language.
Elliot DiMauro: It's about...
Jack Gallo: Wait! Don't tell me. Let me guess. Your hands are clasped, your head is low... You want to ask me out to lunch.
Elliot DiMauro: I want to propose to Maya.
Jack Gallo: Wow, I was way off.

Elliot DiMauro: Is there going to be a parade?
Nina Van Horn: Yes. It's going up Main Street and down the other one.

Elliot DiMauro: I'm asking for magic, and I'm getting diddly. Nothing is going right.
Jack Gallo: Why? What else happened?
Elliot DiMauro: Nina's with us.
Jack Gallo: Well, that's not very romantic.
Elliot DiMauro: Congratulations, you're a proud graduate of the School of the Blatantly Obvious.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Withholder (#3.6)" (1998)
Elliot: Trust me. Revenge is a dish best served with fresh maple syrup.

Elliot: Tell me you didn't do anything weird like talk about your action figure collection.
Dennis: A: of course not; and B: it's a sound financial investment.
Maya: C: not if you take them out of the box and play with them.

Elliot: I'd love to do to her what she did to him. I'd wine her and dine her, and just when I have her on the palm of my hand, I'd say, "You screwed over my friend, and that's not cool with me!"
Maya: Easier said than done.
Elliot: Oh, please. I date supermodels. She's just a civilian.
Maya: You know, you make it hard to root for you.

Elliot: I'm telling you, she's amazing! It felt like I was with three women, and I've been with three women.

Elliot: I assumed you closed the deal.
Dennis: Please, a gentleman doesn't tell.
Maya: So what's stopping you?
Dennis: Let's just say I did my fair share of body surfing. Yeah!
[high-fives Elliot]
Maya: What does that mean?
Dennis: Let's just say all of Dennis' fun wasn't under the sun. Yeah!
[high-fives Elliot]
Maya: What are you saying?
Dennis: Let's just say the tide was not the only thing going in and out. Yeah!
[high-fives Elliot; Elliot refuses]
Elliot: You didn't get any, did you?
Dennis: No.

Dennis: It's not like I didn't see her naked.
Elliot: Did you?
Dennis: Yeah. I just pretended to be asleep while she was getting it on with the tennis pro.

Elliot: I'll break it off, but I have to do it carefully. I don't want to hurt her feelings.
Maya: And you call yourself a womanizer.

"Just Shoot Me!: Secretary's Day (#1.3)" (1997)
[Nina has on fake breasts]
Elliot DiMauro: Do you have a permit for those?
Nina Van Horn: Don't you just love'em? They say, "Here I am!"
Elliot DiMauro: Actually, they say, "Moo, I hope some frat guy doesn't tip me over."

[Nina is looking at herself in the toaster]
Elliot DiMauro: That's a toaster, Nina. You'd know that if you ever ate anything.
Nina Van Horn: I'm thinking of getting a face lift.
Elliot DiMauro: Well, be sure you get a second opinion from the blender.

Maya Gallo: I once did a report on the dangers of plastic surgery, and do you know what the statistics say?
Nina Van Horn: Yes, that nine out of ten men prefer women with big boobs.
Elliot DiMauro: And the tenth guy preferred the other nine men.

Nina Van Horn: Maybe a boob job. Big breasts seem to be back in this season.
Elliot DiMauro: Frankly, I can't understand why they ever went out.

Dennis Finch: I'm not a secretary!
Elliot DiMauro: I'm confused. Don't you file, and answer phones, and type letters?
Dennis Finch: What's your point?
Elliot DiMauro: You're not an astronaut.

Nikki: How did you fell in?
Dennis Finch: Well, as I told channels two, four and seven, I was saving a toddler who was perched on the rail.
Elliot DiMauro: Really? My cousin works at the zoo. He said you were running from a peacock.
Dennis Finch: A. I was jogging, B. your cousin's a liar, and C. some peacocks are poisonous.

"Just Shoot Me!: How Nina Got Her Groove Back (#3.9)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: Hey, new shoes?
Elliot DiMauro: Yep. Gloria, the girl I'm dating, made them. She's studying to be a designer. She's amazing.
Maya Gallo: They're... nice.
Elliot DiMauro: Nice? These are a work of art. The structure, the design, these shoes are going to take the world by storm.
Maya Gallo: How can you tell the left from the right?
Elliot DiMauro: I have no idea.

Elliot DiMauro: This looks like the dawn of a new era.
Nina Van Horn: Yes, it's the age of Nina Van Horn!
Dennis Finch: I know this one. 62?
Nina Van Horn: The grown-ups are talking, dear.

Elliot DiMauro: Now don't you start. If I wanted to see two queens snipe at each other, I'd have stayed in the men's room.

Elliot DiMauro: Let's get you to wardrobe and get weighed. That always cheers you up.
Nina Van Horn: No, I'm not in the mood.

Maya Gallo: I don't get it. Why do they hate each other?
Elliot DiMauro: Well, Nina is jealous that Margo gets taken more seriously, and Margo is jealous that Nina gets taken more often.

Elliot DiMauro: Isn't it time you stopped this competition with Margo?
Nina Van Horn: What competition? Margo's doing the best job she can, and I'm doing the best job I can.
Jack Gallo: Margo Langhorne just retired.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, my God! I won! I won!

"Just Shoot Me!: Steamed (#3.2)" (1998)
Nina Van Horn: Greta will be here any minute, and I'm working on the perfect first impression pose.
Elliot DiMauro: You look awkward. Here, lift your arm up. Good. Your other arm, raise it... more... more. Perfect. Now repeat after me: I'm a little teapot, short and stout...

Nina Van Horn: What a waste. A tremendously round waste.
Elliot DiMauro: What is wrong with you? I think Greta is terrific.
Nina Van Horn: That woman isn't Greta, that woman swallowed Greta. God, I feel like prying her jaws open and shouting, "Climb, Greta! Climb up to the light!"

Elliot DiMauro: [noticing the cold mask Nina is wearing] Another twelve martini night?
Nina Van Horn: No, thanks. I have plans.

Nina Van Horn: Back in the 70s Greta and I were like twins, soulmates, two sticks of dynamite. Why, at Studio 54 we were known as B.J. and the Bear.
Elliot DiMauro: Who was who?
Nina Van Horn: Well, Greta was the Bear because she always wore this slinky fur coat, and I was B.J. because I always wore blue jeans. Wait, no I didn't.

Elliot DiMauro: [about Greta] I think she's beautiful.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, my God, she's right behind me, isn't she?
Elliot DiMauro: No, I mean it. You ever studied Renaissance art? The women in those paintings are all large and rounded.
Nina Van Horn: That was for survival. If you were fat, you could float, and if you could float, you weren't a witch. For God's sake, read your Bible.

Dennis Finch: What'cha doing?
Maya Gallo: Today's crossword puzzle.
Dennis Finch: Need any help?
Maya Gallo: Are you good at these?
Dennis Finch: I fancy myself a wordsmith.
Maya Gallo: Okay. I need a nine-letter word for hindrance.
Dennis Finch: Um... no idea.
Maya Gallo: Okay. Island in the Aegean Sea, six letters.
Dennis Finch: Aegean... No, sorry.
Maya Gallo: Some wordsmith.
Elliot DiMauro: Breasts, eight letters.
Dennis Finch: Bazongas, balloons, knockers...
Elliot DiMauro: Seven letters, beginning with an H.
Dennis Finch: Hooters, honkers, hi-beams...
Elliot DiMauro: Now in Spanish.
Dennis Finch: Chachas, piñatas, maracas...
Maya Gallo: So you basically spend all your time thinking of synonyms for breasts.
Dennis Finch: I also do bottoms.
Elliot DiMauro: Alphabetically.
Dennis Finch: Ass, booty, caboose, derriere, endzone, fanny, glutey-pops, heinie... Yeah!

"Just Shoot Me!: The Walk (#2.14)" (1998)
Elliot DiMauro: I need you to distract him. Just don't talk about Binnie or anything that happened in the seventies.
Nina Van Horn: Just handcuff me, why don't ya?

Elliot DiMauro: Romance is like a tango.
Dennis Finch: Yesterday you said the stock market was like a tango.
Elliot DiMauro: It is.

Elliot DiMauro: Jack, don't you think romance is like a tango?
Jack Gallo: Yesterday you said the subway system was like a tango.
Elliot DiMauro: It is.

Elliot DiMauro: [showing Maya his new digital camera] Check this out. 1,200 by 900 dpi.
Maya Gallo: What does that mean?
Elliot DiMauro: You know, it's digital, it's a very complicated process. I don't have time to explain it.
Maya Gallo: You don't know, do you?
Elliot DiMauro: You open it up and there's no film, Maya!

Jack Gallo: Is that a new camera?
Elliot DiMauro: It sure is. Completely digital. Has an 8000-pixel viewfinder and an 18-bit filter.
Jack Gallo: What does that mean?
Elliot DiMauro: I'm not sure, but it sure is shiny.
Jack Gallo: That's comforting coming from our head of photography.

Elliot DiMauro: So you guys claim to have the world's best blueberry pie. I'll be the judge of that.
Waitress: Oh, no, it's the great pie judge. What if you don't like it? I'll have to return to my village in shame.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Mask (#3.3)" (1998)
Dennis Finch: I just went over Nina's roladex, and do you know what's missing?
Elliot DiMauro: A working knowledge of the alphabet?

Dennis Finch: Okay, maybe I was freaked out, but that doesn't change the fact that Binnie doesn't exist. I checked. There is no social security number.
Elliot DiMauro: So she's never had a job? She lives off alimony.
Dennis Finch: No driver's license?
Elliot DiMauro: A lot of people in Manhattan don't drive.
Dennis Finch: No arrests for public drunkeness?
Elliot DiMauro: Go on...

Maya Gallo: [dressed as a fairy princess] I don't care if everyone thinks I'm nuts. I'm going to have a good time.
Elliot DiMauro: That's the spirit.
Maya Gallo: Thank you, Elliot.
Elliot DiMauro: You're welcome.
[stands next to Dennis]
Elliot DiMauro: Now, could you please turn my little wooden friend here into a real boy?

Elliot DiMauro: What do you mean it wasn't that scary? Psycho is the scariest movie of all time.
Dennis Finch: Well, you've never seen home movies of my grandpa gumming an ear of corn.

Nina Van Horn: You know, my friend Binnie was in Prague some years back. She was there having her navel centered.
Elliot DiMauro: You can't get that done.
Nina Van Horn: It's thinking like that that has forced women to live with their original ribs.

Dennis Finch: So what's Binnie look like?
Elliot DiMauro: You've never seen her either?
Dennis Finch: No, but I picture a woman with a face put together like a ransom note.

"Just Shoot Me!: Sewer! (#2.11)" (1998)
Nina Van Horn: Is there anything worse than Monday morning?
Elliot DiMauro: It's Wednesday afternoon. Where have you been all week?

Elliot DiMauro: How's it like working with a monkey again?
Cowboy Pete: Like the hell I can never escape.

Maya Gallo: Oh, it just occurred to me that I forgot to warn you about Elliot. He didn't try to hit on you, did he?
Erin Simon: Yup.
Maya Gallo: Unbelievable! I would've liked to have seen how you handled him.
[Elliot walks in from the guest room, wearing a robe]
Maya Gallo: I take that back.
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, mind if I use your robe?
Maya Gallo: Not at all. Mind closing it?

Maya Gallo: So, what are you working on?
Erin Simon: I've been uncovering human rights violations in Eastern Europe.
Maya Gallo: Oh, I'm working on quite the hard-hitting piece myself.
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, we need to fill a page. Write something to go with this butt shot.
Maya Gallo: Not now, Elliot.
Elliot DiMauro: If at all possible, try to avoid using the word "asstastic". We've already used it twice this issue.

Elliot DiMauro: Hey, Maya. Mind if I use your toothbrush?
Maya Gallo: Not at all. That's the one I use for grout.

Elliot DiMauro: Maya, I'm a gentleman. I'm not going to tell you what I did or didn't do to Erin. But if you must know, ask Finch.

"Just Shoot Me!: An Axe to Grind (#4.7)" (1999)
Elliot DiMauro: Poor Finch. He's delusional.
Nina Van Horn: Yes, and not the good kind of delusional, like when you convince yourself that one hand-rolled cigarette did not started that big wildfire.

Elliot DiMauro: I don't mind, I have a million things to do.
Dennis Finch: Elliot, a sheep just pooped in your beret.
Elliot DiMauro: A million and one.
Dennis Finch: On the bright side, we found your class ring.

Jack Gallo: Larry King is an ass!
Nina Van Horn: And a lousy kisser.
Elliot DiMauro: What happened?
Jack Gallo: He bumped me off his show to talk with Alan Greenspan. Who wants to listen to Alan Greenspan? He's a bore!
Nina Van Horn: And a lousy kisser.

Beth: Pay day! Pay day! Come beg for it!
Elliot DiMauro: She's like a walking advertisement for direct deposit.

Maya Gallo: The only way that makes sense is that Scott thinks you have feelings for me.
Elliot DiMauro: That's right.
Maya Gallo: Why would he think that?
Elliot DiMauro: Yesterday, he saw me over at the counter giving you a banana.
Maya Gallo: Yeah, so?
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, Scott's a strict Freudian. I gave you my *banana*.
Maya Gallo: Oh, I see. Scott's a Freudian lumberjack who saw you give me fruit.

Maya Gallo: I can't believe you're out with Beth in a pathetic attempt to make Scott jealous. I mean, for God's sake, Beth?
Elliot DiMauro: She speaks very highly of you.
Maya Gallo: Maybe she had me confused with an appetizer.

"Just Shoot Me!: Love Is in the Air (#4.9)" (1999)
Nina Van Horn: I have to go to Paris.
Elliot DiMauro: Why?
Nina Van Horn: Why? I'm the fashion editor, and Paris is the fashion capital. Besides, there's something in Jim Morrison's grave I need to get back.

Elliot DiMauro: What, you mean you want us to pretend that Jack's here and drive Nina crazy... oh, you are delightfully evil.
Dennis Finch: Yes. Won't you join me?

Jack Gallo: People, Maya and I are going to Paris for a big take over deal, but it's top secret, so no questions.
Elliot DiMauro: What are you taking over?
Jack Gallo: A hot French fashion magazine called Jolie. We're buying it cheap, firing the staff and turning it into French Blush, but that's all I'm telling you.

Elliot DiMauro: Don't you think we're being too mean?
Dennis Finch: Too mean? That's like saying the internet has too much porno. It doesn't.

Elliot DiMauro: [pretending Jack is in his office, angry] He only ate half his donut.
Nina Van Horn: But Jack always finishes his donut. Maybe it's his second one.
Dennis Finch: The point is, he put one down.

Elliot DiMauro: Nina wants to tell Jack she's not going to live in fear anymore.
Nina Van Horn: Not true, Jack! I find it exhilarating!

"Just Shoot Me!: Elliott the Geek (#2.10)" (1998)
Maya: So, the truth finally comes out. The legendary Elliot DiMauro was once a nerd.
Elliot: No, I wasn't.
Maya: Nerd!
Elliot: Ha, that's very funny.
Maya: Nerd!
Elliot: That's not funny.
Maya: Nerd!
Elliot: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Would a nerd bring a supermodel to a funeral in a stretch limo with four-hundred roses shaped in a giant tear?
Maya: No, but the nerd king might.

Elliot: I can't decide which one to take to the Hamptons. Leone has perfect legs, but Trisha has perfect breasts.
Maya: What a coincidence. You're a perfect ass.

[Elliot has a zit on his nose]
Maya: Whoa, Krakatoa!
Elliot: It's just a little blemish.
Jack: It's like an escape hatch for your brain.
Nina: [just coming in] So sorry about your pimple, Elliot.
Elliot: How did you know?
Nina: I saw it as you got out of the cab. I mean, we're only nineteen floors up.

Elliot: I'm going to that memorial service to inform the citizens of Loserville, New Jersey that their top export is Elliot DiMauro.

Maya: Who was Mr. Farrel?
Elliot: He was my high school coach. We used to call him Farrel the Ferret.
Maya: Why did you call him that?
Elliot: You know, because he was a big man.
Maya: Why didn't you call him Farrel the Barrel?
Elliot: People weren't that clever in my town. When the train went by, everyone would clap.

Elliot: Nina, I need your help. I need a suit to wear to a memorial service.
Nina: What do you want the suit to say?
Elliot: I want it to say that I'll be sad for an hour, but on the way back, I'm having sex on a limo.
Nina: Hugo Boss, charcoal grey. It's what my tennis instructor wore to my second husband's funeral.

"Just Shoot Me!: Fast Times at Finchmont High (#4.24)" (2000)
Nina Van Horn: You know what? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna be celibate.
[Maya laughs as she passes by]
Elliot DiMauro: Don't let that discourage you, all right? That's only one person's opinion.
Jack Gallo: [from inside his office] Nina? Ha ha ha!

Nina Van Horn: I spent the entire weekend watching the tape of my A&E Biography, and I've realized a few things.
Elliot DiMauro: How many don't involve your looks or your weight?
Nina Van Horn: Four.
Elliot DiMauro: Or your hair?
Nina Van Horn: One.
Elliot DiMauro: Make it quick.

Miguel: When I come back, I will turn the charm up from uno to ocho.
Elliot DiMauro: What airline do you work for?

Jack Gallo: I'm telling you, he has the voice of an angel.
Elliot DiMauro: Aha. And a basement full of hitchhikers.

Elliot DiMauro: [after Nina resists Miguel] I'm proud of you, Nina. Come on. I'll buy you a drink.
Nina Van Horn: I can't.
Elliot DiMauro: Why not?
Nina Van Horn: Because if I move, I'll have an orgasm.

"Just Shoot Me!: Just Shoot Me (#1.0)" (1997)
Nina Van Horn: Look at her, writing her first big article for Papa.
Elliot DiMauro: So?
Nina Van Horn: "So?" First it's an article, then it's a job; before you know it *she's* in charge and I'm back at the boat show wearing that damn mermaid suit.

Nina Van Horn: Maya, dear, I understand you're writing this month's relationship column. Can I peek?
Elliot DiMauro: You peaked years ago, honey.

Nina Van Horn: Maya, dear, I understand you're writing this month's relationship column. Can I peek?
Elliot DiMauro: You peaked years ago, honey.
Nina Van Horn: So, is this article the first of many?
Maya Gallo: I doubt it; it's called, "My Father Is A Jackass."

Elliot DiMauro: Look at these photos; see if any of them will go with your article.
Maya Gallo: [looking] God! Could her dress get any higher?
Elliot DiMauro: No. Her mother was there.

[discussing the evils of the fashion industry]
Elliot DiMauro: All I'm saying is that we're not the enemy. We just like looking at beautiful things.
Maya Gallo: And who decides what's beautiful?
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, I do! That's the best part.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Auction (#5.14)" (2001)
Nina Van Horn: I know the perfect woman for you. She's cute and charming, and she's a successful surgeon.
Elliot DiMauro: How do you know a surgeon?
Nina Van Horn: Feel my ass.
Elliot DiMauro: Wow. That's great. Did she do that?
Nina Van Horn: No, I just needed a pick me up.

Elliot DiMauro: Nina, where have you been?
Nina Van Horn: I got on the wrong limo outside the building and ended up at the Peruvian Consolate. FYI, we may soon be at war.

Elliot DiMauro: What are you doing?
Stacy: That stuff I told you was in confidence. Clients have a right to a little privacy. I have a code.
Elliot DiMauro: You're a hooker!
Stacy: With a code!

Nina Van Horn: She's not a hooker, she's a high-class escort.
Elliot DiMauro: What's the difference?
Nina Van Horn: About $900 and a slight element of doubt as to the outcome of your evening.

Nina Van Horn: So, you know lots of models.
Elliot DiMauro: Hey, yeah! I'll call Amber.
Nina Van Horn: Married.
Elliot DiMauro: Bridget.
Nina Van Horn: Lesbian.
Elliot DiMauro: Coleen?
Nina Van Horn: Lost a leg, found God.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Kiss (#2.18)" (1998)
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, do you believe in fate?
Maya Gallo: Did you find the woman of your dreams?
Elliot DiMauro: As a matter of fact, yes.
Maya Gallo: Let me guess. Early twenties, new boobs.
Elliot DiMauro: No. Late sixties, new hip.
Maya Gallo: All right, you've got my attention.

Mrs. Pierce: I haven't even shown you the kitchen yet. It has one of those new ovens that's built into the wall. Have you seen one of those?
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah, at the World's Fair.

Nina Van Horn: Tonight Binnie and I are going out, but we will spend the entire evening avoiding alcohol and men.
Dennis Finch: That's great. Okay, I'll start the pool. Ten bucks a square. I say Nina is legally drunk and dancing with Euro-trash by 8:30.
Elliot DiMauro: Put me down for 7:15.
Jack Gallo: Moving on... 9:20.
Maya Gallo: Come on, you guys. Give Nina a little credit. 10:45.

Nina Van Horn: Tonight Binnie and I are going to folk night at a lesbian bar.
Elliot DiMauro: You can go any time. Every night is folk night at a lesbian bar.

Elliot DiMauro: What happened to folk night?
Nina Van Horn: Please. If I wanted to listen to a bitter old woman gripe about farm foreclosures, I'd call my mother.

"Just Shoot Me!: A Divorce to Remember (#4.1)" (1999)
Elliot DiMauro: Hey, Dennis. You made the tabloids.
Dennis Finch: Let me see.
Elliot DiMauro: [reading] "Is model Adrienne Barker wilder than we thought? The leggy beauty was spoted on the beaches of Tahiti with a topless, blond gal pal."
Dennis Finch: Buying that Speedo was a mistake.

Maya Gallo: You may not take this seriously, but I haven't been asked out in two weeks.
Elliot DiMauro: Have you even been asked?
Maya Gallo: Obviously, I must be giving out some sort of vibe.

Jack Gallo: Hey, Elliot. Whatcha looking for?
Elliot DiMauro: Back issue.
Jack Gallo: Which one?
Elliot DiMauro: It... it had a health article in it.
Jack Gallo: Can I help you?
Elliot DiMauro: I found it.
Jack Gallo: Oh, July. Wasn't that the one with the piece on impotence? Hey, Maya! Didn't you write that piece on impotence?
[awkward pause]
Jack Gallo: What's that? Line two?
Elliot DiMauro: I'm not a machine!

Elliot DiMauro: Do I look racked with guilt? No.
[cut to Elliot in bed with his date]
Co-star: Has this ever happened before?
Elliot DiMauro: No!

Elliot DiMauro: Look, with all due respect to your religion...
Larry Fenwick: Oh, it's not my religion. I'm just a hired gun. But be careful, there are listening devices on the walls. I'm just kidding. I'm just lightening the mood.

"Just Shoot Me!: Jesus, It's Christmas (#2.9)" (1997)
Elliot DiMauro: No way. Last time I took you on a photo shoot with me, you walked in on Kate Moss taking a shower.
Dennis Finch: It was an innocent mistake. I was trying to walk in on Elle McPherson.

Nina Van Horn: Elliot, bad news. You're not going to the Caribbean.
Elliot DiMauro: What happened?
Nina Van Horn: The models all got food poisoning at the Mizrahi show.
Elliot DiMauro: What, all five of them?
Nina Van Horn: Apparently, they shared a bad shrimp.

Elliot DiMauro: That's it! Shoot's canceled!
Nina Van Horn: What is the problem?
Elliot DiMauro: I can't find my lens!
Nina Van Horn: Don't you have, like, thirty of them?
Dennis Finch: Yes, but they're not all his lucky thong lens.
Nina Van Horn: Lucky thong lens?
Elliot DiMauro: Eight years ago I was doing my first swimsuit photo shoot on St. Tropez, and from the moment I arrived none of my shots were coming out right. I thought my carrer was over. As I walked back to the hotel, this local boy runs up and stuffs something in my pocket. I looked down, and it was this lens, this perfect lens. But when I looked up, the boy had vanished, and in his place... a white dove!
Nina Van Horn: Oh, I get it. They have mushrooms in St. Tropez.

Dennis Finch: I have a weird feeling that if I were to go to the Caribbean with you and some hot models, all your stuff would just turn up.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh? Well, I have a weird feeling that if I jam my fist down your throat, I might find your spleen.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, but you won't find your lens.

Dennis Finch: It looks like a photo of someone's hand dangling your lucky lens over a toilet. What kind of devious bastard would do such a thing?
Elliot DiMauro: That's your watch.
Dennis Finch: You're right. That son of a bitch has my watch!

"Just Shoot Me!: In the Company of Maya (#2.12)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: You know, I used to date a model who posed for lingerie ads.
Elliot DiMauro: And?
Jack Gallo: That's it, no point, just boasting.

[after viewing Staci's hemorrhoid commercial]
Staci: So, what did you think?
Elliot DiMauro: I'm... speechless.
Dennis Finch: I'm not.
Elliot DiMauro: Yes, you are.

Elliot DiMauro: Oh, God! Why did it have to be hemorrhoids?
Jack Gallo: I think it's great. You should be proud of her.
Elliot DiMauro: You think so?
Dennis Finch: You know what they say. You have to start at the *bottom*.

Elliot DiMauro: I'm going to have lunch with Staci.
Dennis Finch: Oh, will that be buffet or sit down?
Elliot DiMauro: Look, I'm okay with her doing a hemorrhoid commercial.
Dennis Finch: I know, I'm itching to see it again. Have a swell time. Get it? Swell, because...
Elliot DiMauro: I get it!

Elliot DiMauro: So, Miss "women aren't objects"? Is this the pot feeling up the kettle.
Maya Gallo: I didn't feel up any kettle. This is all a scam.
Jack Gallo: Scam or not, we need to protect ourselves. So if anyone asks, this meeting took place in March 1994.

"Just Shoot Me!: A Spy in the House of Me (#3.12)" (1999)
Nina Van Horn: Be honest, Elliot. How old do I look?
Elliot DiMauro: Do you still have a gun?
Nina Van Horn: Yes.
Elliot DiMauro: Twenty.

Jack Gallo: Why can't she see through that guy?
Elliot DiMauro: It's the hair, it's always the hair.

Nina Van Horn: It's just that I haven't been in television since I played a Fembot in "Bionic Woman."
Elliot DiMauro: That's not true. You were in that episode of "Cops".
Nina Van Horn: They pushed my face in the grass. You can't even tell it's me.

Maya Gallo: What's your character like?
John Kenny: He's a bit of an odd bird, a dreamer.
Elliot DiMauro: You just said he was a racist.
John Kenny: He dreams of an all white country.

John Kenny: Sorry, man. Now that I got a job, I won't be needing those headshots.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, darn. And I knew just where to put my tripod.

"Just Shoot Me!: Blinded by the Right (#4.19)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, get me a bodyguard.
Elliot DiMauro: Here. Strong enough for a man.
Jack Gallo: I mean a real bodyguard.
Elliot DiMauro: Are you in any danger?
Jack Gallo: These are very violent times, and a man in my position needs to be careful.
Maya Gallo: Did Trump get one?
Jack Gallo: With an earpiece and a big old gun.

Jack Gallo: I'm using my famous charm and disarm strategy.
Elliot DiMauro: What's that?
Jack Gallo: Remember when you came in asking for a raise and ended up babysitting for me the whole weekend?
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah... Oh. Hey!

Dennis Finch: I happen to have lighting fast reflexes.
Elliot DiMauro: Really?
Dennis Finch: Try to take these keys out of my...
[Elliot takes keys]
Dennis Finch: I didn't say go!

Maya Gallo: All my feminist friends agree that the covers for Blush are sexist.
Elliot DiMauro: Are these the same friends who thing all intercourse is an act of violence?
Maya Gallo: Jan and Gertie, yes.

Dennis Finch: I'll be your bodyguard.
[all laugh]
Dennis Finch: I'm serious. There are bodyguard schools.
[laugh some more]
Jack Gallo: See, he starts a joke, then he builds on it.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. See what I did there? Pretty sweet.
Elliot DiMauro: How about this? Let me be your bodyguard!
Jack Gallo: See, it's funny when Dennis does it 'cause he's scrawny.
Elliot DiMauro: But I said it with a funny voice.
Maya Gallo: Honey, let it go.

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina's Bikini (#2.17)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: [pointing at a photo of a male model] You see that photo? I want to make me look just like that.
Elliot DiMauro: [skeptical] Okay.
Jack Gallo: No, I mean it, and I am willing to do whatever it takes. I'll go to the gym, toss the old medicine ball around, take a steam ba... Hey, cheese sticks!

Elliot DiMauro: Where did she get a ridiculous idea like that?
Jack Gallo: Letters from the publisher. I gotta start reading those.

Maya Gallo: I don't care what some dumb Blush quiz says. I'm not unadventurous.
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, look at your score. You're two points away from "sleepy librarian".

Maya Gallo: What leopard print bikini?
Elliot DiMauro: The one Nina wore on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Maya Gallo: When was that?
Dennis Finch: Let's see, Coolidge was in the White House...

Elliot DiMauro: Staple some underwear on the walls, and suddenly you can charge twenty bucks for a hamburger. What kind of idiot would fall for this?
Dennis Finch: Woo! This place is happenin'!

"Just Shoot Me!: Blush Gets Some Therapy (#6.19)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Well, I'm off.
Elliot DiMauro: You're not sticking around?
Jack Gallo: Of course not. I'm not the one with the problem. And even if I was, who cares? I'm the boss.

Jack Gallo: You four are always at each other's throats! The snide comments, the yelling, the back biting... This place is turning into the Vatican!
Elliot DiMauro: What?
Jack Gallo: They can't fool me. I know what goes on in there.

Dr. Drake Kelson: I want to do an exercise. We're going to be a car. Dennis, you make revving noises; Maya, you go put-put; Elliot, you make screeching noises; and Nina, you be the horn. Ready? We're a car, now!
[they make the noises]
Dr. Drake Kelson: Stop! That was horrible. Why? Because you're not working together. Because you're not communicating.
Elliot DiMauro: [raises hand] How can we communicate better?
Dennis Finch: After that, can we figure out how to remove his lips from your ass?

Dr. Drake Kelson: I have to make it look like there's a big problem to solve, and that's you.
Elliot DiMauro: But I'm the one who suggested the therapy in the first place!
Dr. Drake Kelson: You wore a beret. You were asking for it.
Elliot DiMauro: Monday's beret day.

"Just Shoot Me!: Back Issues (#1.1)" (1997)
Elliot DiMauro: Nina, you've got to stop hiring these waify models.
Nina Van Horn: Why?
Elliot DiMauro: Because I turned on the fan and she blew into the wall.

Maya Gallo: Surely you realize that idolizing physical beauty is wrong.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, really? Tell me what you thought, honestly, when you first saw Michaelangelo's David?
Maya Gallo: I thought it was an incredible sculputure.
Elliot DiMauro: That's right, because David is the perfect male form.
Maya Gallo: No, because Michaelangelo was a genius.
Elliot DiMauro: Imagine if Michaelangelo had sculpted it with the same artistry but made it to look like, say, me?
[poses like David]
Maya Gallo: It would still be a work of art.
Elliot DiMauro: How about now?
[pulls up his shirt to expose his flabby torso]
Maya Gallo: Fine, fine, you win.

Nina Van Horn: So you're writing this month's advice column? Mind if I have a peek?
Elliot DiMauro: Honey, you peaked years ago.

Elliot DiMauro: We're not the enemy here. We just like to look at beautiful things.
Maya Gallo: And who decides what's beautiful.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, I do. That's the best part.

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Van Grandma (#6.11)" (2002)
Elliot DiMauro: You know what I'm not going to do with this money? Spend it on my grammy.
Jack Gallo: Yes, you will.
Elliot DiMauro: She's got a hold on me, Jack.

Jack Gallo: I need help deciding what to give Maya for her birthday.
Elliot DiMauro: You know what I give my grandma? A book of coupons. She can use it for things like lunches, checker dates, and free back rubs.
Jack Gallo: How about instead of creepy grandma dollars, I just give her regular American dollars?
Elliot DiMauro: You're judging me, aren't you?
Jack Gallo: You rub your grandma.

Maya Gallo: I wish you two would lay off this birthday stuff.
Elliot DiMauro: I think I know what this is about, Maya. Thirty five is a hard birthday. When I turned thirty five, I ate and cried and ate and cried and ate and cried...
Maya Gallo: My birthday is five months from now.
Elliot DiMauro: That can't be right.
Maya Gallo: Remember seven months ago when you proposed to me on my birthday and then you fainted and ruined my birthday? That was my birthday.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, yeah.

Elliot DiMauro: Just be grateful you're still thirty-four and not thirty-eight, like me. Wow. Thirty-eight.
[picks up a donut]
Elliot DiMauro: Hello, old friend.

"Just Shoot Me!: Slamming Jack (#5.8)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: So this is a gynecologist's office, uh? I always thought there'd be, I don't know, pictures of uteruses on the walls.
Maya Gallo: There are.
Elliot DiMauro: [sees them] Oh!

Dennis Finch: I can't believe I talked to Jack like that. I can't think, I can't move...
Elliot DiMauro: And yet you brought us to a strip club.
Dennis Finch: Hey, I gotta eat, don't I?
Nina Van Horn: Ah, the theater.

Elliot DiMauro: Guess who has an office directly below us?
Nina Van Horn: A tax attorney who refuses to give up his wife.

Elliot DiMauro: [at the strip club] Oh, my God. I think... I think that's Maya's gynecologist.
Dennis Finch: Hey, man. Your dollar, your fantasy.

"Just Shoot Me!: Bye Bye Binnie (#6.4)" (2001)
Nina Van Horn: It seems my best friend Binnie...
Dennis Finch: My friend Binnie, my friend Binnie!
Elliot DiMauro: My friend Binnie can chew through metal.
Maya Gallo: My friend Binnie can't eat soup.
Dennis Finch: We're all sick of hearing about your drunken, slutty, stupid friend Binnie.
Nina Van Horn: My friend Binnie is dead.
Dennis Finch: Heaven just got another angel.

Nina Van Horn: I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I deal with Binnie's death in my own way.
Elliot DiMauro: You're not dealing with it at all.
Nina Van Horn: That is my way.

Elliot DiMauro: Nina, we need to talk.
Nina Van Horn: Can it wait? I'm three circles away from solving the Word Jumble.
Elliot DiMauro: Nina, this is more important than the Jumble.
Nina Van Horn: Let me put it in perspective for you. I have been working on this for five and a half months.

Elliot DiMauro: [offers Nina a funeral urn] There she is, Nina. That's all that's left of Binnie.
Nina Van Horn: She had so much work done, I'm surprised they didn't melt her down to make crayons.

"Just Shoot Me!: Twice Burned (#2.7)" (1997)
[Elliot and Nina are listening to a Cholera Joe record]
Elliot DiMauro: Isn't it amazing how his voice just sucks you right into his world of despair?
Dennis Finch: You lost me right after sucks.

Elliot DiMauro: I have every album Cholera Joe ever made, even his unfinished one, "Don't Need No Doctor."

Nina Van Horn: You know, I used to date a hockey player.
Elliot DiMauro: Is there any sport where you haven't slept with one of the players?
Nina Van Horn: Of course.
Dennis Finch: Not counting figure skating.
Nina Van Horn: Well, then no.

Elliot DiMauro: Check this out. Cholera Joe's classic, "Pebble in My One Good Shoe."
Nina Van Horn: This was the last time he sang with a tooth.

"Just Shoot Me!: Finch Chasing Amy (#6.6)" (2001)
Elliot DiMauro: You know, Finch. I admire your honesty.
Dennis Finch: And I admire your feminine boots.

Maya Gallo: This competition is childish and immature, and I can't believe you would treat a woman like that.
Elliot DiMauro: We did it to you when you first came here.
Maya Gallo: You did? Thanks, you guys!

Elliot DiMauro: It's not just the way she dresses and what she says. She's intelligent and charismatic and creative, and I can't wait until tonight when we become a sweaty tangle of limbs.

Elliot DiMauro: [Dennis is now Amy's assistant] I'm screwed! He's going to cater to her every whim. This is what Finch does best.
Maya Gallo: He's not that good an assistant.
Elliot DiMauro: He boils and bottles Jack a special shampoo.

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina's Birthday (#1.4)" (1997)
[Nina is late for a meeting and is unapologetic]
Nina: I was having sex with a man almost half my age! And you know who I have to thank for it?
Elliot: The man who invented chloroform?

Maya: What are you guys doing?
Dennis Finch: We're pointing out women we'd like to sleep with.
Elliot: Oh, I thought we were pointing out women we already slept with.
Dennis Finch: I don't wanna play anymore.

Elliot: Hey, Jack, can I play with your laser pointer?
Jack Gallo: No, I traded it in for a whistle that only birds can hear.
[blows whistle]
Jack Gallo: I don't know. I guess I'm a sucker for nature.
[bird slams into window]

Maya: Let's hear from someone who has an attention span longer than five seconds. Elliot?
Elliot: Huh?

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina in the Cantina (#2.15)" (1998)
Dennis Finch: You have a right to be mad. You know what I do when I feel mad? I smash something
[gently nudges the vase Jack made him]
Dennis Finch: Go for it.
[Elliot smashes a porcelain cat next to the vase]
Dennis Finch: No! Not my porcelain cat!
Elliot DiMauro: I'm sorry. I'll replace it.
Dennis Finch: It? It had a name! Oh, Skittles.

Elliot DiMauro: What you got there?
Dennis Finch: The new Annie Leibowitz coffee table book.
Elliot DiMauro: [puts coffee mug on book] Hey, look. It works.
Dennis Finch: I seem to have struck a nerve.
Elliot DiMauro: I'm sorry. Annie Leibowitz is a first-rate photographer, even if her work's not that avant-garde. I have been working with body paints for years, and nobody notices. She puts pinstripes on Demi Moore and boom!, everybody goes nuts. Whatever.
Dennis Finch: Best fifty-three bucks I ever spent.
[tosses book in trash]

Elliot DiMauro: I'm going to out-Leibowitz Leibowitz. Get this: the angry man of rock and roll as the Incredible Hulk. Green body paint, torn clothes, running amok through the diamond district. What do you think?
Maya Gallo: It's cute.
Elliot DiMauro: Cute. That's good. Like a bunny.
Maya Gallo: No, I mean...
Elliot DiMauro: [Angry] Like a bunny!

Elliot DiMauro: This shot is breakthrough! This is going to win awards!
Nick Hewitt: Why not? This same shot worked for Annie Leibowitz.
[Turns to sumo wrestler]
Nick Hewitt: You remember that, Marcel?

"Just Shoot Me!: Fanny Finch (#5.19)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Why did he stop shooting?
Elliot DiMauro: I asked him about it.
Maya Gallo: And?
Elliot DiMauro: He said the world was grey and cleaned his ear with my car keys.

Nina Van Horn: Here, give this to Horst.
Elliot DiMauro: What is it?
Nina Van Horn: It's a hate letter he wrote me.
Maya Gallo: Wow, so many pages... of the same two words.

Nina Van Horn: You want me to pose for a photograph for him?
Elliot DiMauro: Yes.
Nina Van Horn: Well, forget it!
Maya Gallo: The entire world would see this photograph.
Nina Van Horn: I'll go change.

Horst: I detest her!
Elliot DiMauro: Then express it, through your camera.
Nina Van Horn: That's that black box on your sweaty hands.
Horst: I'd rather eat a dog!
Nina Van Horn: Then that would be cannibalism, wouldn't it?

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina's Choice (#3.23)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: Five bucks if he sniffs at least two bagels.
Elliot DiMauro: Why would he sniff a bagel?
Dennis Finch: Dude, I don't know. Why does he rub the faxes on his face? Do you want to bet?

Elliot DiMauro: Remind me never to eat the bagels.
Dennis Finch: Or drink the apple juice.
Elliot DiMauro: The apple...
Dennis Finch: You don't wanna know.

Elliot DiMauro: You're betting on me now? I thought we were betting on him.
Dennis Finch: I go where the action takes me, dude.
Jack Gallo: Ha! There it is! Pay up.
Elliot DiMauro: Damn it.
Dennis Finch: What is this?
Elliot DiMauro: I bet Jack you wouldn't say "dude" in the next fifteen minutes.
Jack Gallo: But you came through like the predictable little monkey you are, "dude".
Dennis Finch: I only say it because I can't remember your names.

Jack Gallo: My nose itches.
Elliot DiMauro: So scratch it.
Jack Gallo: You'd like that, wouldn't you?

"Just Shoot Me!: When Nina Met Elliott's Mother (#4.12)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: Ma, what are you doing here?
Nina Van Horn: Big news! She just left your father.
Elliot DiMauro: She... what?
Nina Van Horn: And we just saw Al Pacino get his ass kicked outside a Starbucks.

Elliot DiMauro: You really do hate each other, huh? When did all this happen?
Rhoda DiMauro: Oh, who knows? First you stop talking, then the sex becomes mechanical...
Elliot DiMauro: Okay, that's good enough for me.

Elliot DiMauro: And be careful out there, okay? There's a lot of crazy people out there.
Nina Van Horn: Run, Rhoda!
[Tackles Elliot]
Nina Van Horn: You're gonna thank me when you come to.

Elliot DiMauro: [on phone] Dad, I found ma. Who cares where your carton of Camels is?
Rhoda DiMauro: They're up your keister, you son of a bitch!
Elliot DiMauro: Ma says hi.

"Just Shoot Me!: Funny Girl (#3.4)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: No hard feelings. Peanut brittle?
Dennis Finch: Oh, I wonder what will happen when I open it?
[opens can]
Dennis Finch: It's peanut brittle.
Elliot DiMauro: I don't get it.
Maya Gallo: [laughing] Check the expiration date.

Maya Gallo: A landscape. It has a nice Ansel Adams quality to it.
Elliot DiMauro: That's because it's a picture of an Ansel Adams picture. That's what he does, he takes pictures of pictures.
Maya Gallo: Well, maybe he's making a statement.
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah, "I'm out of medication."

Maya Gallo: Elliot, your turtle bites.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, yeah? Well, you bite!
Maya Gallo: No, I mean your turtle bit me.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, he does that.

Elliot DiMauro: No offense, Maya, but women are nurturers, not jokers.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. Helen Reddy's famous song wasn't "I Am Funny."

"Just Shoot Me!: With Thee I Swing (#4.17)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: I'm sorry, but it was a boring people discussion about a boring book.
Maya Gallo: Boring? It's Angela's Ashes.
Elliot DiMauro: Big deal! "We're starving! Dad's drunk! We're starving!" Yawn!

Maya Gallo: I was thinking we should do an article on women astronauts. Who they are, how they go there...
Jack Gallo: ...what kind of lingerie they wear on Earth.
Elliot DiMauro: That's a great idea.
Maya Gallo: Elliot!
Elliot DiMauro: Hey' it's our tax dollars. We deserve to know.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, my God! My taxes! Ah, screw it.

Elliot DiMauro: Maya, they're swingers.
Maya Gallo: I believe the term is swing dancers.
Elliot DiMauro: No, the term is "horny couple seeks same."

Elliot DiMauro: I'm going to do something more fun, help fold t-shirts at The Gap.
[leaves, then pops head in a moment later]
Elliot DiMauro: Thanks a lot, I really got a lot out of it.

"Just Shoot Me!: My Dinner with Woody (#2.6)" (1997)
Elliot DiMauro: You should watch out, pal.
Woody Allen: You better watch out... cause that's a nice shirt and I'm a bleeder.

Nina Van Horn: Uh-oh. If these are my eye drops, then what did I give Jack?
[Jack screams]
Elliot DiMauro: Minty fresh corneas?

Elliot DiMauro: Got any gum?
Nina Van Horn: I have some breath freshener. A lady's always prepared.
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah, for a sobriety test.

Maya Gallo: He has the heart of a philosopher.
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah, in a jar on his desk.

"Just Shoot Me!: Rescue Me (#2.23)" (1998)
Elliot DiMauro: How are you doing? Everyone's concerned out there.
Maya Gallo: You mean everyone's laughing at me.
Elliot DiMauro: Not to your face, and that should count for something.

Jack Gallo: [looking at Elliot's photos] Oh, look at that woman's face. You can see life's brought her nothing but disappointment.
Elliot DiMauro: That's my mother.

Jack Gallo: [giving Elliot a card] Come and see me sometime.
Elliot DiMauro: [reads card] "Tiger Lily Oriental Massage."
Jack Gallo: Sorry, wrong card.

Elliot DiMauro: Imagine, you walking right by this afternoon. What are the odds?
Jack Gallo: Pretty good. I keep a mistress in this building.

"Just Shoot Me!: Guess Who's Coming to Blush (#7.1)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Where's the Sweet and Low?
Dennis Finch: [points at crotch] Right here, chief. Just ask the ladies.
Elliot DiMauro: I think he meant the other tiny pink package.

Dennis Finch: Any physical signs?
Elliot DiMauro: She has put on a little weight.
Dennis Finch: Aha! A little junk in the trunk, it's a Finch slam dunk.
[offers a high five; Elliot refuses]
Dennis Finch: No? Too fat for tennis, is time for the Dennis.
Elliot DiMauro: I gotta go.
Dennis Finch: A little blubber, and Dennis buys a rubber. That's three in a row.

Maya Gallo: You can have the Equal.
Jack Gallo: Maya, I can have the Equal, I can have honey and molasses, I can go to Brazil, get a machete and hack me a stalk of pure cane, but all I want is the Sweet and Low! But apparently, what I want is irrelevant!
[goes into his office]
Elliot DiMauro: What's with him?
Nina Van Horn: Read between the lines! The man really likes his Sweet and Low!

Nina Van Horn: When a man is like that, there's only one thing it could be: his penis.
Elliot DiMauro: I'm gonna have to go with Nina on this one.
Maya Gallo: It's not that. He's worried about circulation.
Nina Van Horn: In his penis.
Maya Gallo: He thinks the magazine is in trouble. For thirty years he's been able to solve the problem, but now he doesn't fell like he can reach down and pull it out anymore.
Nina Van Horn: Don't make me say it.

"Just Shoot Me!: Finch on Ice (#4.22)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: There's nothing wrong with a little fantasy. It's healthy. Shows I'm willing to be intimate with you.
Maya Gallo: What was I, some tattooed floozy in thigh-high boots you picked up on some bar?
Elliot DiMauro: No.
Maya Gallo: Then what?
Elliot DiMauro: A naked blonde stranger who wanted to have sex with me. Men don't need all that extra stuff.

Maya Gallo: How did the aquarium shoot go?
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, they threw us out. Apparently, my flash enraged the giant squid.

Maya Gallo: Elliot, we need to talk.
Elliot DiMauro: Not now. I'm busy.
Maya Gallo: You're eating pudding.
Elliot DiMauro: Yes, but I'm fantasizing it's Jello.

Maya Gallo: How was the zoo shoot?
Elliot DiMauro: Terrible. None of the animals wanted to come out, except for a spider monkey who spent the whole day pleasuring himself. I'm so tired. I just want to lie down.
Maya Gallo: [steps in with her blonde hair] Are you sure?
Elliot DiMauro: Then again, you snooze, you lose.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Odd Couple: Part 1 (#3.24)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: I thought you were going to tell him.
Elliot DiMauro: I tried, but he just insulted me.
Maya Gallo: So you're just going to let him become a national joke?
Elliot DiMauro: That was the idea, yes.
Nina Van Horn: Then it's settled.

Elliot DiMauro: You're waiting for your boyfriend to come back from work. You give him that look that makes him want you.
[Adrienne starts crying]
Nina Van Horn: What kind of sick crap is she into?

Elliot DiMauro: McDonald's the toughest player in the league. Remember, Finch? We were at that game and he coldcocked a guy with a stick?
Nina Van Horn: Don't you expect that in a hockey game?
Elliot DiMauro: Not when it's Nathan Lane singing "O, Canada."

[looking at the painting Jack wants to be photographed with, "Self Reliance"]
Maya Gallo: I kinda see it. There's his head, there's his shoulder... What's that he's holding?
Elliot DiMauro: It's too small to be a fishing pole.
Nina Van Horn, Maya Gallo, Elliot DiMauro: Oh, my God!
Nina Van Horn: I was just going to say he's too happy to be fishing.
Maya Gallo: Well, at least he's being self reliant.

"Just Shoot Me!: Jack's Old Partner (#2.20)" (1998)
Elliot DiMauro: Nina, what's going on?
Nina Van Horn: These are my children, Estée and Vidal.
Elliot DiMauro: Since when?
Nina Van Horn: Since I'm getting audited today.

Elliot DiMauro: You're getting audited? You should've used my guy. He's a creepy little weasel who knows every loophole and gets a sexual thrill out of cheating the feds.
Nina Van Horn: Who is it?
Dennis Finch: Me.
Nina Van Horn: Are you really that good?
Dennis Finch: Last year the government paid me twenty grand not to grow corn.
Nina Van Horn: You're hired.

Nina Van Horn: Come on, Elliot, you go out with supermodels without knowing their last names.
Elliot DiMauro: Most of them don't have last names.

Dennis Finch: Jack is stuck writing his memoirs, so he's been banging that ball against the wall for three solid days.
Elliot DiMauro: Sounds irritating.
Dennis Finch: That's nothing. You missed what will forever be known as Banjo Thrusday. Which was immediately followed by Missing Banjo Friday.

"Just Shoot Me!: Dog Day Afternoon (#5.9)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: I never had a dog.
Nina Van Horn: They're great. We had one on the farm. He had only three legs, but tremendous testicles.

Elliot DiMauro: I can't be opening bags and looking for bags and constantly dealing with bags.

Dennis Finch: She's testing ya, bro.
Nina Van Horn: She's seeing if you can be a father.
Elliot DiMauro: Maya's not like that.
Dennis Finch: Then why did she write that article titled "Can your dude be a dad? Get a dog."
[everyone stares]
Dennis Finch: From July '99? Hot Celebrities in Hot Getaways? They all go to Hawaii... Does anyone read this magazine?

Elliot DiMauro: There you are, Henri, mon ami. Sometimes we like to pretend we're French.
Denise: I once gave him a French fry.
Elliot DiMauro: Not really the same thing.

"Just Shoot Me!: Amblushed (#2.21)" (1998)
Nina: Shoot a portrait of me, one that shows the world that Nina Van Horn will not go quietly.
Elliot: Something bartenders have been saying for years.

Dennis: Elliot, can you get Nina off my back? She keeps bugging me about that stupid solvent.
Elliot: Oh, there is no solvent. She was being such a pain that I told her water wouldn't wash it out. But it really will.
Dennis: So you had Nina running all around town in gold paint? That is so wrong. Why didn't you tell me so I could enjoy it?

Maya: This is horrible. You guys don't understand. Last night was a disaster. I spent the entire evening staring out into a sea of angry flannel. What was I supposed to do?
Elliot: Oh, I don't know. Call us all "vapid drones who worship at the altar of greed, lust and egotism".
Dennis: Yeah. We don't make fun of your religion.

[Elliot tells Nina that the gold paint she has on will burn if wet]
Nina: Thank goodness you told me. You saved me from screaming in the shower.
Elliot: How would that differ from your usual Thursday nights?

"Just Shoot Me!: Old Boyfriends (#2.3)" (1997)
Nina Van Horn: Nina Van Horn, drug free since '83. Well, '93.
Elliot DiMauro: Try 10:03.

Elliot DiMauro: He's too old for you.
Maya Gallo: Based on what?
Elliot DiMauro: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since he was born.

Elliot DiMauro: I know when you're lying. Your artificial septum emits a high-pitched whistle.

Elliot DiMauro: You're thirty, he's sixty. Think about it. When you're forty, he'll be seventy. When you're fifty...
Jack Gallo: I know, he'll be eigthy.
Elliot DiMauro: No, he'll dump you for someone who's thirty.

"Just Shoot Me!: Softball (#3.21)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: I just got off the phone with my contact from the National Weather Center.
Elliot DiMauro: You mean the recording?

Nina Van Horn: Hey, Maya. We're thinking on a nickname for you.
Maya Gallo: I don't want a nickname. I wanna pitch.
Elliot DiMauro: How about Swifty?
Glenn: Rocket?
Dennis Finch: Screamer?
Nina Van Horn: Already taken.

Elliot DiMauro: [thinking] Springtime. Hope. Baseball. Through all our tribulant times, one thing never changes: baseball.
Dennis Finch: Hey, Clueless Joe. Cup goes in front.

"Just Shoot Me!: Pass the Salt (#2.13)" (1998)
[Finch's father thinks he's gay, and he's trying to convince him he's not. Elliot walks by]
Dennis Finch: Do me a favor, please explain to my dad that I'm not gay?
Elliot DiMauro: You are so cute when you try to act butch.
[grabs Dennis and kisses him]

Dennis Finch: I come from a long line of firemen. My grandpa, two uncles, both my brothers.
Maya Gallo: So you're the only one in your family who's not a fireman.
Elliot DiMauro: There's a rule that your legs have to be thicker than the hose.
Dennis Finch: Actually, he's right.

Nina Van Horn: I have a fire that needs putting out, if you know what I mean.
Dennis Finch: Nina...
Nina Van Horn: It's a five alarm fire, if you catch my drift.
Elliot DiMauro: Good God, Nina, the potted plants caught your drift.

"Just Shoot Me!: When Nina Met Elliott (#4.2)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Look no further, I have just the story for you. As usual, my name will be changed to Jeffrey.
Maya Gallo: Got it.
Jack Gallo: I first met her in Shanghai. She was beautiful. Jet black hair. Velvet skin. Toes like peanuts.
Elliot DiMauro: So what happened?
Jack Gallo: I sleep with her one night, and she went off with another man. "Love you long time." There's a lie.

Elliot DiMauro: I too have a story, but it doesn't take place in the Far East. It takes place right here, in the heart.
Dennis Finch: As usual, his name will be changed to Lisa.

Elliot DiMauro: It's ironic, but you running me over that night may have been the best thing that ever happened to me.
Nina Van Horn: Elliot, that's not ironic, that's what happened.

"Just Shoot Me!: The List (#3.8)" (1998)
Nina Van Horn: From now on, I'm going to say every great idea that comes to mind.
Elliot DiMauro: And they never heard from her again.

Jack Gallo: Everyone, I'd like to make a toast.
Elliot DiMauro: No, Jack. I'd like to make a toast. To the man who gave me my start, the man whose vision put us all on the map. I owe you everything. In fact, if I could, I'd call the publisher of Manhattan magazine right now and tell him that you belong up on that list and not me. To Jack Gallo.
Nina Van Horn: Hear, hear!
Maya Gallo: Hear, hear!
Jack Gallo: [hands Elliot his phone] Here. His name is Rick.

Dennis Finch: Who is your secret source?
Nina Van Horn: An ex-lover of mine. I can't be more specific than that.
Elliot DiMauro: Nina, you've got to start getting their first names.

"Just Shoot Me!: Maya's Nude Photos (#3.19)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: Did someone just say nude?
Maya Gallo: What?
Dennis Finch: I definitely heard the word nude.
Elliot DiMauro: From the other side of the office?
Dennis Finch: It's kind of a gift.
[cocks his ear]
Dennis Finch: G-string. Gotta go.

Nina Van Horn: You know, I once posed for nude photos.
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah, we've all seen your screensaver.

Elliot DiMauro: Wake up, Maya! He wants to see you naked!
Maya Gallo: What?
Elliot DiMauro: He wants a free peek!
Maya Gallo: He does not!
Elliot DiMauro: Is he gay?
Maya Gallo: No.
Elliot DiMauro: Then he does.

"Just Shoot Me!: A Night at the Plaza (#5.2)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: Have you told Nina and Finch yet about your father?
Maya Gallo: Not yet. I bought this for Dennis. He's really going to take this divorce hard.
Elliot DiMauro: [reads title of book] Don't Cry, Daddy Still Loves You.
Maya Gallo: It really helped me a lot when dad divorced my mom.
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, you were a child. Dennis is a grown man.
Maya Gallo: He laughs hysterically every time my friend Dick calls.
[Elliot giggles]

Jack Gallo: Dennis, bring in the circulation reports.
Dennis Finch: [singing] Oh, Baby / Your wish is my command / You're my woman, I'm your man...
Jack Gallo: Do I give him enough to do?
Elliot DiMauro: It really wouldn't matter.

Maya Gallo: So, did you read the article?
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, yeah. It was very interesting. So how's Jack doing?
Maya Gallo: He's still in denial. You know, he and Ally could really have learned a lot from Janet and Ted.
Elliot DiMauro: Who are Janet and Ted?
Maya Gallo: The couple in the article that you just lied about reading?
Elliot DiMauro: Ah. So, Finch is in a band?

"Just Shoot Me!: About a Boy (#6.13)" (2002)
Elliot DiMauro: It's really flattering.
Nina Van Horn: Unlike those hideous cargo pants. Change them or else.
Elliot DiMauro: Or else what?
[Nina splashes hot coffee on Elliot's pants]
Elliot DiMauro: Ow, it's hot!
Nina Van Horn: We're a fashion magazine, people. We're supposed to be setting an example. God, am I the only one who takes this seriously?

Dennis Finch: You shot the cover of Rolling Stone? Wow, man. I'm impressed.
Elliot DiMauro: Thanks. Coming from you, that means a lot.
Dennis Finch: Wait a minute. Are you being sarcastic?
Elliot DiMauro: No. Are you?
Dennis Finch: No. You?
Elliot DiMauro: I'll tell you what. We'll both answer together on the count of three. Ready? One, two, three.
Elliot DiMauro, Dennis Finch: Nnnnnoooooyyyeeeeesssss... No!
Elliot DiMauro: I think we just had a moment.
Dennis Finch: No, we didn't because I was messing with you. Hey, everyone! Elliot thought we had a moment!

Elliot DiMauro: And you never trusted anyone ever again.
Jack Gallo: Except for Bisquit. Until he bit me. But he got his.

"Just Shoot Me!: Brandi, You're a Fine Girl (#5.6)" (2000)
[Dennis is working with his sewing machine]
Maya Gallo: Hey, what's going on?
Elliot DiMauro: Dennis lost his penis on his way to work.

Dennis Finch: Before we left, we made a sacred oath.
Elliot DiMauro: To never forget that wonderful summer night by the lake.
Dennis Finch: With your mom? Backfire!

Elliot DiMauro: You didn't tell him she was Tommy Hilfiger's daughter, did you?
Nina Van Horn: It may have slipped out.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, my God!
Nina Van Horn: I know, I know. Mea culpa and labia minora.

"Just Shoot Me!: When Nina Met Her Parents (#4.21)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: Jack, would you consider yourself a fan of nature?
Jack Gallo: Of course. As a boy I took a lot of hikes.
Elliot DiMauro: Good. And on these hikes, did you ever run across something in nature that just didn't fit?
Jack Gallo: Yes. I once saw an owl, and I swear to God it smiled at me.
Elliot DiMauro: Sure, but I mean something like... oh, I don't know... a really skinny tree with branches that are way too big for it's trunk?

Elliot DiMauro: How could you not know? Didn't you take gym in high school?
Dennis Finch: I was excused because I have brittle bones.
Jack Gallo: So you've never compared yourself to other men?
Dennis Finch: No. That is, only guys in porno movies. I just thought I was a little bigger than average.
Elliot DiMauro: You son of a bitch.

Dennis Finch: Pumping iron is hard.
Elliot DiMauro: Yes, it is.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. How long do you think until you can put weights on the bar?
Elliot DiMauro: When you are able to lift your gym bag with one arm.

"Just Shoot Me!: Halloween? Halloween! (#7.4)" (2002)
Maya Gallo: What is your problem?
Elliot DiMauro: Nothing.
Maya Gallo: You are always fighting her over the smallest little thing.
Elliot DiMauro: Little? Yesterday, she takes a banana, she peels a little and takes a bite, peels a little, takes a bite... Peel it all the way down, we're trying to run a business here!

Maya Gallo: This is just like high school. You're like that boy who teases the girl he likes. Maybe she's smart, a little awkward. Her body's not quite developed yet, and then one summer, Blam!, and now what am I going to do with these?
Elliot DiMauro: What?
Maya Gallo: Nothing.

Elliot DiMauro: Hey, Nina. Looking forward to that party tomorrow.
Nina Van Horn: [to Maya] Is there anyone you haven't told?

"Just Shoot Me!: The Experiment (#2.1)" (1997)
Jack Gallo: How did you get to be so cynical?
Elliot DiMauro: Jack, do you think these woman's shins are too long?
Jack Gallo: What a waste.

[after finding out Maya slept with Derek]
Elliot DiMauro: So, look who fell off her high horse.
Nina Van Horn: And climbed back up on a stallion.
Elliot DiMauro: Does the word hypocrite mean anything to you?
Dennis Finch: It certainly doesn't mean anything to Derek.

Maya Gallo: And you, Elliot. When was the last time you dated someone who was less than perfect?
Elliot DiMauro: Rachel Drach.
Maya Gallo: November's cover model?
Elliot DiMauro: Her belly button was an outie.
Jack Gallo: What a waste.

"Just Shoot Me!: Puppetmaster (#3.7)" (1998)
Nina Van Horn: You know how everyone says that to plan for the future you should make a sound financial investment? Well, I've taken the plunge.
Elliot DiMauro: Great. Is it that mutual fund I told you about?
Nina Van Horn: Better. A trendy new nightclub.
Dennis Finch: Shrewd plan. But for safety's sake, you should take some of that money and throw it off a plane.

Elliot DiMauro: Hi. I'm Elliot DiMauro.
Steven: Nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you.
Elliot DiMauro: All good, I hope.
Steven: Yes, except about the part about you wishing you were a woman.

Elliot DiMauro: So, does this obnoxious place have a name?
Nina Van Horn: No. No name, no sign, no one will be able to find it. So, intrigued?

"Just Shoot Me!: The Gift Piggy (#5.11)" (2001)
Elliot DiMauro: [to Finch] You're like Napoleon, only shorter and with no girlfriend!

Mrs. Lubitz: Forgot to signal.
Elliot DiMauro: Was caught speeding.
Mrs. Lubitz: The cop was a woman and Jewish, and still I'm here.

Elliot DiMauro: What are you doing here?
Dennis Finch: This may surprise you, but scraping the seeds off Jack's bagel doesn't complete me.
Elliot DiMauro: Why traffic school?
Dennis Finch: Because I'm good at it, and by the way, it's traffic academy.

"Just Shoot Me!: Toy Story (#3.17)" (1999)
Nina Van Horn: Here. Open it, open it.
Elliot DiMauro: What could this be?
[opens present]
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, vodka. Thank you, Nina.
Nina Van Horn: [holding a tumbler] Open it, open it!

[Elliot finds the sex toys that he thinks came from Maya]
Jack Gallo: What she get ya?
Elliot DiMauro: Socks. Just socks.
Jack Gallo: Socks? Cool! What kind?
Elliot DiMauro: Tube socks.
Jack Gallo: Tube socks? Do they come with stripes?
Elliot DiMauro: Sure, whatever.
Jack Gallo: Do they have that little padding on the heel?
Elliot DiMauro: Back off, Jack! They're just stupid socks!
Jack Gallo: Make a note: Elliot hates socks.

Dennis Finch: [looking at the sex toys] Oh, my God! Is this some sort of gag?
Elliot DiMauro: No, she said it's for real.
Dennis Finch: No, this leather thing. Is it some sort of gag?

"Just Shoot Me!: Tea & Secrecy (#4.15)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: To avoid suspicion, we're not going to be able to be affectionate at work.
Elliot DiMauro: Uh-huh. You might want to cover up that giant hickey.
Maya Gallo: Hickey? Is it that noticeable?
Elliot DiMauro: You might want to cover it up.
Maya Gallo: How?
Elliot DiMauro: I don't know, duct tape and a beer coaster?

Elliot DiMauro: Nina, I swear to God, if you tell a soul, I will tell the entire staff your real age.
Nina Van Horn: You don't know my real age.
[Elliot whispers into Nina's ear]
Nina Van Horn: Your secret will go with me to my grave.

Maya Gallo: How could you do this to me?
Jack Gallo: Do what?
Maya Gallo: Be so damn understanding!
Jack Gallo: Excuse me?
Maya Gallo: I mean, Elliot is obviously wrong for me!
Elliot DiMauro: Excuse me?
Maya Gallo: He's a compulsive womanizer! Finch, how many women has he slept with?
Dennis Finch: Hundred?
Elliot DiMauro: Finch!
Dennis Finch: Thousand?
Maya Gallo: You see? While you're all discussing your little magazine, I have become one-thousand-and-one!

"Just Shoot Me!: Slow Donnie (#3.11)" (1999)
Elliot: You'll have good food, good wine, it'll be like you're family. Just don't wear any makeup.
Maya: Why not?
Elliot: My mom will call you a whore.

Jack: Hey, Donnie. I think I finally have these tubes figured out.
Donnie DiMauro: [quietly] Kill me now.
Jack: See, it's hot air that pushes things through the tubes.
Donnie DiMauro: Donnie says vacuum.
Jack: Boy, when you get an idea in your head, you stick to it like taffy. See, when air gets hot, it rises.
Donnie DiMauro: Vacuum!
Jack: No, hot air. It's what causes a Pop-Tart to pop out of the toaster, or how helicopters...
Donnie DiMauro: [normal voice] Oh, for the love of God! It's not hot air! It's not magnets! It's a vacuum, Jacko! Like a straw! You ever use a straw, huh, lab partner? Air taken out from one end is replaced from the other end, that creates air pressure that propels things through the freaking tubes!
[Notices everyone is looking]
Donnie DiMauro: [slow Donnie voice] I love you, tubes.
[everyone still stares]
Donnie DiMauro: Green quarter.
[still staring]
Donnie DiMauro: Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot pie!
Elliot: Donnie, what the hell?
Donnie DiMauro: [normal voice] Oh, crap. Now I gotta get a job.

Donnie DiMauro: I'm Donnie with a D. Green quarter.
Maya: What?
Elliot: He likes it when people give him money.
Maya: Oh, um... here.
Donnie DiMauro: [throws away quarter] Green quarter!
Elliot: He likes paper money.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Odd Couple: Part 2 (#3.25)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: Adrienne and I are getting married.
Jack Gallo: Are you on the crack, boy?
Dennis Finch: I'm serious. I love her, she loves me, so we're getting married.
Elliot DiMauro: I think Jack asked you a question!

Elliot DiMauro: I think you shouldn't punish others just because you haven't had sex since the mid-'80s.
Maya Gallo: Yeah? I think your IQ is in the mid-80s.

Elliot DiMauro: I say Dennis is in love.
Maya Gallo: I say he's just using her.
Nina Van Horn: I say one more drink and we go shopping.

"Just Shoot Me!: And the Femmy Goes To... (#3.20)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this statue?
Elliot DiMauro: It has no genitals.
Jack Gallo: It's lonely.
Dennis Finch: Of course. It has no genitals.

Jack Gallo: The truth is, who cares about animals in eye shadow?
Elliot DiMauro: Mountain folk?

Emcee: And the Femmy goes to...
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, please don't let me win, please don't let me win, please don't let me win...
Emcee: Nancy Jones for Cosmo!
Elliot DiMauro: What? Oh, give me a break! This thing is fixed! I was robbed!

"Just Shoot Me!: Jack Gets Tough (#4.10)" (1999)
Elliot DiMauro: Do you bring greetings from the future?
Dennis Finch: Yes, and there's still no cure for baldness.

Dennis Finch: I have what's called a body built for fashion.
Elliot DiMauro: Finch, you have a body built to assist Santa Claus.

Nina Van Horn: I got bored of reading about Jack's ancestors being chased across Europe, and I skipped to the index to look for the parts with me in them. I'm only mentioned four times.
Elliot DiMauro: Did they count that picture of you at the Playboy mansion?
Nina Van Horn: I'm only listed as "Unidentified topless woman on pogo stick."

"Just Shoot Me!: Finch Gets Dick (#4.4)" (1999)
Elliot DiMauro: [to Kyle, a hand model] Have we ever worked together?
Kyle: I doubt it. I mostly work in the west coast. For some reason I get more hand jobs out there.

Jack Gallo: You're jealous because you're insecure.
Dennis Finch: I am, and I shouldn't be.
Jack Gallo: Yes, you should. You never let her see the real you. For Gosh's sake, you have her thinking you were a marksman in the Gulf War.
Dennis Finch: Tank commander, but I see your point.
Jack Gallo: If you want your marriage to work, you have to be honest with her.
Dennis Finch: There has to be another way.
Jack Gallo: Honesty, Dennis. It's the key to a healthy marriage.
Elliot DiMauro: Jack, Ally wants to know if you can join her for lunch.
Jack Gallo: Tell her I'm at the dentist.
Jack Gallo: [to Dennis] It's a little game we play.

Elliot DiMauro: I wouldn't worry about this Kyle. They're just buddies, like in "When Harry Met Sally".
Dennis Finch: Harry slept with Sally.
Elliot DiMauro: Really? I left early.

"Just Shoot Me!: How the Finch Stole Christmas (#3.10)" (1998)
Elliot DiMauro: Christmas is so depressing. It's gotten too comercial, it's lost all its spiritual meaning.
Dennis Finch: No it hasn't. That is such a cliché.
Jack Gallo: Check this out! Lollipops in the shape of Jesus.

Narrator: Now, I don't know for sure, but so I am told / The Finch's black heart turned completely to gold.
Dennis Finch: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Narrator: For once Finch felt like more than a peasant / Then he noticed that Elliot had opened his present.
Elliot DiMauro: "To Elliot from Finch: Take that, you bald-headed loser!" What the hell?
Narrator: But the Finch is clever, he always survives.
Dennis Finch: [Pulls on fire alarm] Fire! Fire! Run for your lives!
Narrator: And those jingle bells rang from New York to New Jersey / Merry Christmas to all, and happy Hannukah to Persky.
Persky: Thank you, sir?

Nina Van Horn: You're joking, right?
Elliot DiMauro: What do you mean?
Nina Van Horn: That's not a Christmas tree. It's all scrawny and anemic and it looks like it hasn't seen daylight in months.
Elliot DiMauro: So do you!

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Sees Red: Part 1 (#3.14)" (1999)
Elliot DiMauro: Jack, what are two words that sell magazines?
Jack Gallo: Multiple orgasms.

Maya Gallo: Don't you have a huge crush on her?
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, I deal with supermodels on a daily basis, and I can assure you... that I love her so much it hurts!

Elliot DiMauro: For God's sake, put that stun gun away before you kill someone.
Jack Gallo: What makes you think I haven't already?

"Just Shoot Me!: The Bad Grandma (#6.21)" (2002)
Elliot DiMauro: We don't value our elders as much as other cultures do. Old people are meant to be cherished.
Maya Gallo: How are the new dentures?
Elliot DiMauro: Very good. Her chewing is not as disgusting now.

Elliot DiMauro: Now you're talling people that she's your grandma?
Dennis Finch: It's easier than having to explain the whole situation.
Elliot DiMauro: You stole my grandma!
Dennis Finch: Don't worry, I don't know where it's going.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Book of Jack (#6.18)" (2002)
Elliot DiMauro: Ooh, nudie cards. Boy, the women here are enormous.
Jack Gallo: Back then that was considered a good thing. Now we know better.
Dennis Finch: [taking the cards] Oo-la-la! Looks like D. Finch is playing a little Solitaire tonight.

Elliot DiMauro: Sounds like you have quite a week planned.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. For lunch, I'm having pancakes. That's right. Jack hates people who eat breakfast food for lunch.

"Just Shoot Me!: That Burning Passion (#7.6)" (2002)
Elliot DiMauro: [as Dennis puts a donut in Jack's diet food] What are you doing?
Dennis Finch: Fortifying his diet with a little vitamin Finch.
Elliot DiMauro: Jack's not going to believe that donut is diet.
Dennis Finch: That's where you're wrong, my friend. People will believe anything, no matter how cuckoo it is, as long as it's what they want to believe.
Elliot DiMauro: Like how we got you to believe that the white Miata was a cool guy car?
Dennis Finch: Doesn't matter. Traded it in for a sweet Cabriolet.

Elliot DiMauro: You are such a loser.
Dennis Finch: Elle McPherson called you.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, my God! I forgot to feed her goldfish!

"Just Shoot Me!: Sweet Charity (#2.8)" (1997)
Elliot: I'm creepy?
Dennis: Like a backrub from grandma.

Maya: Isn't this fun, guys?
Elliot: Yeah. You've captured all the fun of moving without that pesky new apartment.

"Just Shoot Me!: There's Something About Allison (#7.13)" (2003)
Maya Gallo: So Elliot, are you still coming by tonight to... help me move my couch?
Elliot DiMauro: Yes, but I still have to stop by the drug store to buy some... slip covers.
Maya Gallo: No, you don't need to do that because I have something I can put in my... couch... that does the same thing as... slip covers. So just come over at 8.
Dennis Finch: So, you and Maya are gonna hook up, huh?
Elliot DiMauro: Jeez, Dennis, how do you know that?
Dennis Finch: Please. It's like watching Forrest Gump and Nell plan a booty call.

Elliot DiMauro: My lovelife sucks. I just got shot down by a girl named Burt.
Maya Gallo: Don't look at me. Last night I ordered Chinese food just to hear a man on the phone.
Elliot DiMauro: Ping? He's a good listener.

"Just Shoot Me!: Maya Stops Thinking (#5.21)" (2001)
Elliot DiMauro: Did you ever have something happen to you that you knew was life changing?
Dennis Finch: Umm... when I was six, I walked in on my grandma taking a shower.
Elliot DiMauro: I meant something positive.
Dennis Finch: That was positive. It taught me to knock.

Elliot DiMauro: Why are you tormenting me?
Dennis Finch: To prove to you that good never wins, evil wins.
Elliot DiMauro: That's not true!
Dennis Finch: Join us.
Elliot DiMauro: Never!
Dennis Finch: [makes devil horns] I'll make you immortal. Give you a fiddle of gold. Yes. Yes! Join the team!

"Just Shoot Me!: The Burning House (#6.20)" (2002)
Elliot DiMauro: I was working on a photo shoot with miniatures. It had a Godzilla theme. I built an eight-inch Tokyo and had Tyra Banks stomp all over it in a thong. She scraped her ass on Mount Fuji.

Elliot DiMauro: I have seen my aunt back her car over a poodle. I have seen my uncle beat a black bear to death with a log. But until you see a bird suffer... and so slowly...
Maya Gallo: You know how at the end it says that no animals were harmed in the making of this film? An animal was harmed in the making of this film.

"Just Shoot Me!: War & Sleaze (#2.25)" (1998)
Elliot DiMauro: [all reading from newspaper] Congressman Michael Tenzer was lost in a tragic duck hunting accident in the treacherous Louisiana swamplands.
Maya Gallo: What?
Elliot DiMauro: Tenzer is known on Capitol Hill as "The Crying Congressman" for his tearful speaking style.
Nina Van Horn: What?
Maya Gallo: He's known as...
[Maya grabs paper]
Maya Gallo: Hey, that's a little rude.
Maya Gallo: Tenzer's wife of fifteen years, a world reknowned marathon runner, has expressed concern over his well-being.
Nina Van Horn: [grabs paper] A world reknowned marathon runner? What?
Elliot DiMauro: [grabs paper] Man buys newspaper with his own money and wants to read it. Whaaat?

Elliot DiMauro: At what time do we have to be there?
Jack Gallo: Combat begins at 0800 hours, with a cappuccino reception at seven-thirtyish.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Pirate of Love (#4.16)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: So, on this team, are you the bitch?
Elliot DiMauro: What does that mean?
Jack Gallo: Nothing. I wish I was man enough to do exactly what my wife tells me to, but I'm not, so I'm stuck doing what I want.
Elliot DiMauro: You don't think I do what I want?
Jack Gallo: Didn't you hear my "bitch" comment?

Maya Gallo: We're having dinner with my friend Donna tonight.
Elliot DiMauro: The one you went to Cancun with?
Maya Gallo: She left me for this guy and left me alone at the talent contest. I had to do Who's on First all by myself.
Elliot DiMauro: And we're having diner with her because...?
Maya Gallo: She broke up with her boyfriend.
Elliot DiMauro: The poor thing. So, I'm assuming we'll be making out in front of her?
Maya Gallo: Aha. I'll even let you grope me.

"Just Shoot Me!: Educating Finch (#6.17)" (2002)
Maya Gallo: You took this picture?
Elliot DiMauro: Yes, I did.
Maya Gallo: It's called "Self Portrait."
Elliot DiMauro: Yes. That's how I see myself.
Maya Gallo: As a man named Mark Krendall?
Elliot DiMauro: Yes. I see myself as Mark Krendall. Aren't we all Mark Krendalls inside?
Mark Krendall: Hello, I'm Mark Krendall.
Elliot DiMauro: See, Maya? This guy gets it.

[Maya is about to pose nude for Elliot]
Maya Gallo: I feel weird doing this.
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, I'm a professional. Just think of me as a doctor. A doctor who took baths with you.

"Just Shoot Me!: Paradise by the Dashboard Light (#4.14)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: Elliot, what was the name of that restaurant in France that you loved so much?
Elliot DiMauro: Le... Something.

Elliot DiMauro: There you go, twisting my words against me. See, this is why men don't share their feelings. Women remember.

"Just Shoot Me!: Watch Your Backdraft (#7.9)" (2003)
Elliot DiMauro: Can you believe he's wasting our time with this drivel?
Jack Gallo: [on intercom] The Blush employee of the month is Elliot DiMauro.
Elliot DiMauro: Hot damn!

Maya Gallo: You told people I slept with Pete?
Nina Van Horn: No, I didn't.
Elliot DiMauro: Hey, Maya. I heard you and Pete played hooks and ladders at the firehouse.
Maya Gallo: You told Elliot?
Nina Van Horn: Yes, but no one else.
Kevin Liotta: Hey, Maya. Sorry about Pete, but the heart wants what it wants.
Maya Gallo: So this is how you help me, by telling everyone in the office?
Nina Van Horn: Only those who would be discrete and would not misuse your trust.
Dennis Finch: Hey, Maya, I heard you and Toastman had a threeway with Pete. Way to go, Superfreak.

"Just Shoot Me!: Hostess to Murder (#3.16)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: I'll let you know that once I stared directly into the steely eyes of a white tiger.
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah, in Vegas, in Siegfried and Roy.
Jack Gallo: Hey, working with those two guys, those cats can get pretty bitchy.

Larry: Okay, where's the safari hunter?
Jack Gallo, Elliot DiMauro: I am.
Larry: We can't have two safari hunters.
Elliot DiMauro: Fine. You're the safari hunter. I'll be the guy at the Armani party.

"Just Shoot Me!: Dial 'N' for Murder (#4.13)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: When Nature creates a perfect female body, men have to check it out. It's in our genetic coding.
Dennis Finch: Our DNA likes the T n' A.

Dennis Finch: [a beautiful blonde walks by] Ooh! All hail her royal heinie.
Elliot DiMauro: Where has she been hiding?
Dennis Finch: Accounts layable.
Elliot DiMauro: More like human resources.
Dennis Finch: What?
Elliot DiMauro: Hey, I'm trying, man.

"Just Shoot Me!: College or Collagen (#2.16)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: Is Karey here?
Elliot DiMauro: I heard a crash over at wardrobe, you might try looking there.

Elliot DiMauro: She has the kind of natural beauty that usually only comes after $15,000 of surgery.

"Just Shoot Me!: Miss Pretty (#3.18)" (1999)
Nina Van Horn: That woman is so obnoxious. Every other word out of her mouth is "delicious". "Oh, that coat looks delicious!" "Oh, that movie was delicious!" "Oh, look at the moon. Isn't it delicious?"
Elliot DiMauro: [impatient] Where the hell is the Chinese food? Sorry. I'm starving. Please stop saying delicious.

Jack Gallo: You know, Elliot, the lesson here is, the world is like one big Slurpee.
Elliot DiMauro: Why is that?
Jack Gallo: Well, we're all made of the same stuff - water, ice, some syrup. But no matter which color we are - red, yellow, brown - we are all equally delightful.
Elliot DiMauro: But blue is the best.
Jack Gallo: Well, yeah, blue is the best.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Write Stuff (#7.7)" (2002)
Vicki Costa: I can't believe I'm working with Nina Van Horn.
Elliot DiMauro: Easy for you to say. I'm the one she's going to make fun of all through the shoot.
Nina Van Horn: Good morning, everyone! Isn't it a beautiful day? The sun is shining...
Elliot DiMauro: I know, like my big, bald head. I get it.
Nina Van Horn: Here, I bought you a croissant.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, because I'm flaky and pretentious? Let's all laugh at Elliot DiMauro! Ha, ha, ha!

Nina Van Horn: Stop! I can't do it.
Elliot DiMauro: Why not?
Nina Van Horn: This fruit is cold.
Elliot DiMauro: Fruit is supposed to be cold. Who eats hot fruit?
Nina Van Horn: I'm not going to eat it. I just don't like looking at cold fruit. It freaks me out!

"Just Shoot Me!: Da Sister Who Loved DiMauro (#7.5)" (2002)
Elliot DiMauro: It was nothing like that. We just talked. She says I'm a good listener.
Dennis Finch: Good, then you'll be able to listen to this.
Dennis Finch: You're a loser.

Elliot DiMauro: I might cry again, but you like that in a man, right?
Vicki Costa: Less and less.

"Just Shoot Me!: Eve of Destruction (#2.24)" (1998)
Elliot DiMauro: The longest relationship I was in was six months, and that was because I was alternating with twins.

Elliot DiMauro: Who are you?
Bill Slatton: I'm the new guy.
Elliot DiMauro: Who ordered a new guy?
Nina Van Horn: I did, but there's been a mistake. You're supposed to show up at my friend Binnie's apartment wearing a gladiator outfit.
Bill Slatton: Jack sent me here to crack the whip.
Nina Van Horn: Again, that would be me.

"Just Shoot Me!: Hello Goodbye (#4.6)" (1999)
Elliot DiMauro: Don't you think you're taking this honesty thing just a little too far?
Dennis Finch: Au contraire, mon frere without hair.

[after Maya says Elliot shoots too many sunsets]
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, by the way, why don't you come to my shoot in Miami? You can block the sun with your big giant head.
Maya Gallo: Where did that come from?
Elliot DiMauro: I'll warn the locals to expect an eclipse.

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Sees Red: Part 2 (#3.15)" (1999)
Red Finch: Open the door, or I'll break it down!
Nina Van Horn: He's just like the Big Bad Wolf. Rowr!
Elliot DiMauro: You know, the keys are over there on the desk.
Red Finch: Oh, thanks.
Nina Van Horn: [hits Elliot] Killjoy.

Jack Gallo: Elliot, come on in.
Elliot DiMauro: If you don't mind, I prefer to stand here, where I'm two steps away from the first aid kit.

"Just Shoot Me!: Maya Judging Amy (#6.5)" (2001)
Kevin Liotta: I have butterflies in my stomach.
Elliot DiMauro: Kevin, that's just nerves.
Kevin Liotta: No, they're real butterflies. Long story.
Elliot DiMauro: I'd save that story for your second date.

Elliot DiMauro: You know, Kevin, I know a lot of women. I can hook you up.
Kevin Liotta: Look, if this is a joke, it could end badly for you.
Elliot DiMauro: No, I mean it. I can help you out.
Kevin Liotta: We are talking about girls, right? I mean, you're not going to "helping me out."

"Just Shoot Me!: The Goodbye Girl (#7.16)" (2003)
Dennis Finch: All I need is your social security card and your mother's maiden name.
Elliot DiMauro: Here. My mother's maiden name is DiMauro.
Dennis Finch: Wait, her married name is DiMauro.
Elliot DiMauro: I know... What? A lot of people marry their second cousins.
Dennis Finch: Uh-huh. That would explain that freakish head of yours.

Elliot DiMauro: You dirty little blackmailer.
Dennis Finch: Blackmailer is such a dirty word. I prefer The Devil.

"Just Shoot Me!: Mum's the Word (#5.3)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: I'm serious. I can't vote because I've been to prison.
Maya Gallo: Seriously? What happened? What did you do?
Elliot DiMauro: I stole a car, took it for a joy ride.
Maya Gallo: A car?
Elliot DiMauro: I was nineteen. Oh, and it was a mail truck. I wanted to see how fast it would go. Not that fast.

Dennis Finch: Elliot, I have a message for you. Oh, no. This is not for you, it's for a Mr. J.L Bird. Mr. Jai-L Bird.
Elliot DiMauro: Who's he?
Dennis Finch: A new guy. Oh, here it is. No, this isn't for you either. This is for a Grant F. Auto. Grand Theft-Auto.
Elliot DiMauro: Maya!
Dennis Finch: Prisoner on the rampage! Lockdown! Lockdown!

"Just Shoot Me!: The Proposal: Part 2 (#5.13)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Face it, Elliot. You're just not ready to get married.
Elliot DiMauro: Fine, I'll admit I had a little case of the jitters.
Maya Gallo: In the ambulance you tried to pull the ring off my finger.
Elliot DiMauro: I was just grasping your hand for comfort.
Maya Gallo: Your foot was on my chest.

Elliot DiMauro: Went to the gym?
Maya Gallo: Yep.
Elliot DiMauro: Had a good workout?
Maya Gallo: Yep.
Elliot DiMauro: Will you marry me?
Maya Gallo: No.
Elliot DiMauro: Drinking tea?
Maya Gallo: Yep.
Elliot DiMauro: Wanna be my wife?
Maya Gallo: No.
Elliot DiMauro: You're going to slip up eventually!

"Just Shoot Me!: Hit the Road, Jack (#5.1)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: I have to be out of the club by eleven. I have that photo shoot at the Intrepid.
Jack Gallo: Oh, right. Remember, be respectful. That ship is a monument to the brave men who fought and died for this country.
Elliot DiMauro: But you still want the models to straddle the big guns, right?
Jack Gallo: Oh, yeah.

Elliot DiMauro: [reading card Maya got for Jack] "I'm glad we got over our little misunderstanding." Wow, they really got one for every occasion, don't they?
Maya Gallo: You have no idea. I saw one that said "So you had your second heart attack..."

"Just Shoot Me!: What the Teddy Bear Saw (#3.1)" (1998)
[to Nina, in response to a stupid comment]
Elliot DiMauro: Let me ask you something - when you tilt your head to the side, does it sound like a rain stick?

Maya Gallo: Dennis, is my father ready to review articles.
Dennis Finch: No. He's still with Hannah and that freaky nanny.
Maya Gallo: I think April's nice.
Dennis Finch: She keeps calling me Button.
Maya Gallo: So?
Dennis Finch: So? In the mean streets where I grew up, Button is what they used to call the weaker kids.
Elliot DiMauro: You grew up in a nice suburb of Albany.
Dennis Finch: In the baddest-ass cul-de-sac in all of Shady Brooks Estates. South of the golf course.
Maya Gallo: Well, at least you made it out, man.
Dennis Finch: Sometimes I think going back there, give something back. Maybe volunteering at the tennis club, maybe the marina.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Assistant (#2.2)" (1997)
Dennis Finch: So you're going to match wits against an angry feminist and an intellectual? Nina, have you learned nothing from that massacre on Celebrity Jeopardy?
Elliot DiMauro: Only that the Daily Double isn't two shots of vodka.

Elliot DiMauro: What's the topic?
Nina Van Horn: Whether the fashion industry promotes negative body images to women. My position will be a firm no.
Elliot DiMauro: For the first time in your life.

"Just Shoot Me!: Prescription for Love (#4.11)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: She's a model, isn't she?
Elliot DiMauro: I don't think it's really any of your business.
Maya Gallo: So it is a model. She must be from this month's issue, because you've dated all the old ones. Let's see, could it be page 24? Or page 48?
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, it's embarrassing. Just close the magazine.
Maya Gallo: I'm sorry.
[closes magazine]
Elliot DiMauro: [points at cover] It's her.

Elliot DiMauro: You'll be happy to hear that Kaylene broke up with me. So run off and alphabetize your CDs, or whatever you do to celebrate.

"Just Shoot Me!: Hot Nights in Paris (#4.20)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: You weren't that shy when you were licking the back of my neck on the subway.
Maya Gallo: I didn't lick your neck on the subway.
Elliot DiMauro: When I come out of the shower, you're singing me a song.

Elliot DiMauro: I thought this place didn't even exist.
Maya Gallo: Oh, yeah? It doesn't exist? If it doesn't exist, then where am I dancing? Where am I dancing!
Elliot DiMauro: Is that how you dance?

"Just Shoot Me!: Bravefinch (#2.19)" (1998)
Elliot DiMauro: Nobody messes with Dennis Finch!
Nina Van Horn: That's our job!

Maya Gallo: Will you wear one of our buttons?
Elliot DiMauro: [reading button] "Drugs hurt."
Maya Gallo: [puts on button] Ouch! Shoot, I'm bleeding.
Elliot DiMauro: There's a band-aid over there.
Maya Gallo: Thank you.
Elliot DiMauro: You should just say no to "no drugs" buttons.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Two Faces of Finch: Part 1 (#6.2)" (2001)
Elliot DiMauro: What did I say this morning?
Nina Van Horn: That Maya's face was looking puffy?
Elliot DiMauro: I never said that.
Nina Van Horn: No one said it, but it was the elephant in the room.

Maya Gallo: Elliot, what was that you told me about the way you walk?
Elliot DiMauro: I took it from Al Pacino. Watch this.
[walks back and forth]
Jack Gallo: More like Al Paqueeno.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Devil and Maya Gallo (#1.2)" (1997)
Elliot DiMauro: I'm off to shoot my salute to the thong, and this time it's a closed set.
Dennis Finch: What? I need to measure the floors for insurance purposes.
Elliot DiMauro: Please. Half the photographs have your head in them.

Elliot DiMauro: On a scale from nine to ten how much did you missed me?
Maya: If nine is not at all, then four.
Dennis: Ha, ha, haa.

"Just Shoot Me!: Christmas? Christmas! (#6.9)" (2001)
Elliot DiMauro: What happened?
Jack Gallo: I was just explaining to Paul that even though Grandma Pearl is dead, she still loves him.
Elliot DiMauro: Grandma Pearl is not dead. She moved to Palm Beach.

Elliot DiMauro: Kevin, come in here. Tell him what you saw.
Kevin Liotta: Hannah cut in front of Paul. She said she could do whatever she wants because her daddy rules the world.
Jack Gallo: But then the boy hit her?
Kevin Liotta: No. She pushed him. I told her to stop, and she threw an ornament at my head. She told me not to tell anybody... but I refuse to live in fear any more.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Haves and the Have-Mores (#6.8)" (2001)
Dennis Finch: What do you think of me in a helicopter?
Elliot DiMauro: I think you'd throw up.
Dennis Finch: Not if I stay on the ground. After all, there are no women in the air.

"Just Shoot Me!: For the Last Time, I Do (#7.21)" (2003)
Maya Gallo: As I told ten other people, I am very into men. I'm just single because I have higher standards.
Elliot DiMauro: You dated me.
Maya Gallo: Why does everyone keep throwing that in my face?

"Just Shoot Me!: First Date (#4.8)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: Here's my proposal. We go out for dinner tonight.
Elliot DiMauro: You mean a dinner date?
Maya Gallo: No, no. Not a dinner date. A dinner meeting. More formal than hanging out, but more casual than a date. Any questions?
Elliot DiMauro: Yes. If we make out, will you bring the proper forms?

"Just Shoot Me!: Future Issues (#7.22)" (2003)
Maya Gallo: This is so out of the blue. What do you think brought this on?
Nina Van Horn: Wait, I have it. Jack is having sexual problems. Men always freak out and quit their jobs whenever their Peter stops piping.
Elliot DiMauro: They do not! I mean, I assume they don't. I mean, how would I know?

"Just Shoot Me!: Jack Vents (#4.5)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: Elliot, do you know anyone involved in illegal gambling?
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, I get it. Elliot DiMauro, Italian. I must be "connected." I must have cousins in "waste management."
Maya Gallo: It's just that I remember you making bets on the Super Bowl.
Elliot DiMauro: Well, my mother is half Irish, so I must have been drunk when I did it!

"Just Shoot Me!: It's Raining Babies (#7.8)" (2003)
Elliot DiMauro: Sorry if I'm late. Everyone just wants to thank me. Does anyone thank the sun for shining everyday?
Jack Gallo: Did you just compare yourself to the source of all life on this planet?
Elliot DiMauro: It's a heck of a picture.

"Just Shoot Me!: Donnie Redeemed (#7.17)" (2003)
Dennis Finch: Elliot, you brother's on his way up.
Elliot DiMauro: I don't want to see him. When he comes up, tell him I'm not here.
Dennis Finch: How about I tell him you have a stomach flu and you were sent to the hospital. that way he won't track you down.
Elliot DiMauro: That's great. Thanks.
[Goes into Jack's office; Donnie enters]
Donnie DiMauro: Hey, Finch. Is my brother around?
Dennis Finch: Yeah, he's in there.

"Just Shoot Me!: A Simple Kiss of Fate (#7.15)" (2003)
Dennis Finch: Ever since I read Jack's will, I've been having dreams about killing him.
Elliot DiMauro: It's just a dream. I dream about killing you all the time. Don't worry about it. It's no big deal.

"Just Shoot Me!: Blind Ambition (#6.15)" (2002)
Dennis Finch: Elliot, I have one more question for you.
Elliot DiMauro: Shoot.
Dennis Finch: How does it feel when you... Finch attack!
[throws water on Elliot, his assistants tie him to the chair and throw confetti over him]
Dennis Finch: Elliot DiMauro, you have just been Finch Attacked!

"Just Shoot Me!: Finch and the Fighter (#5.10)" (2001)
Elliot DiMauro: You're dating a woman boxer?
Nina Van Horn: That's perfect. You can knit her a new jock strap.

"Just Shoot Me!: Shaking Private Trainer (#3.22)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: Elliot, remember when I showed you that bad screenplay my friend Ashley wrote?
Elliot DiMauro: Not really.
Maya Gallo: It was about a Golden Retriever with a bomb implanted in its brain that gets loose in the subway.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, yeah. It was called "Stay".

"Just Shoot Me!: Erlene and Boo (#5.18)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Erlene wants to see some museums, so we're taking her on a little tour.
Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister: I really want to see the Frick.
Nina Van Horn: The frick? I'm sorry, but someone made that up to fool you into saying something naughty.
Elliot DiMauro: Actually, there is a Frick Museum.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, the Frick! I thought you meant the Keister Museum.

"Just Shoot Me!: Rivals in Romance (#7.14)" (2003)
Elliot DiMauro: There are hundreds of people who would give their eye teeth to spend a day with me.
Maya Gallo: Like who, your mother?
Elliot DiMauro: For one, yes!
Maya Gallo: Every day I wonder how I let you be on top of me.

"Just Shoot Me!: Evaluate This! (#7.23)" (2003)
Jack Gallo: I want you to be honest. Really let me have it.
Maya Gallo: Well, you can be pushy.
Jack Gallo: There you go.
Vicki Costa: And you're self-centered.
Jack Gallo: That's it.
Elliot DiMauro: [stands up and slams hand on table] You belittle me!
Jack Gallo: Okay...
Elliot DiMauro: I give and give and you never give anything back!
Jack Gallo: All right, Sally, take a Midol.

"Just Shoot Me!: Finch in the Dogg House (#6.1)" (2001)
Elliot DiMauro: So Jack just stood there, saying nothing?
Kevin Liotta: He looked angry, like how an owl looks when you keep it in the bath for too long.

"Just Shoot Me!: At Long Last Allie (#5.22)" (2001)
Elliot DiMauro: You are certifiably psycho!
Nina Van Horn: No, I'm not. I'm an egotistical narcissist who's just a little boy crazy.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Impossible Dream (#6.7)" (2001)
Dennis Finch: Elliot, come here, there's something I want you to hear.
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah?
Dennis Finch: [sing-song] Someone had sex with A-my / Lots of sex with A-my / Dirty, crazy, monkey, funky, all night sex with A-my!

"Just Shoot Me!: Choosing to Be Super (#5.5)" (2000)
Nina Van Horn: All I'm saying is just because the man is a stinking drunk doesn't mean we can't be affected by the power of his words.
Dennis Finch: Or the size of his nipples.
Elliot DiMauro: How could you make fun of a man who is clearly in need of help?
Dennis Finch: I'm the bad guy? I'm the one who wedged him back into his pants.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Last Temptation of Elliot (#7.20)" (2003)
Elliot DiMauro: It's not the Bible part that worries me. It's the beautiful women who attend the meetings.
Dennis Finch: So use your Cain. You're Abel.

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Van Mom (#6.10)" (2002)
[after Maya says something poetic to Nina]
Dennis Finch: I know this moment is not supposed to be boring, but somehow she pulls it off.
Elliot DiMauro: It's a gift. A gift that no one wants.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Two Faces of Finch: Part 2 (#6.3)" (2001)
Dennis Finch: Having sex with her would be like having sex with myself. I already have a guy to do that, and I don't even have to buy him dinner first. He-hey, woo!
[offers a high-five]
Elliot DiMauro: See? That right there, and this - He-hey, woo! - most women see that and - how can I put it? - run away, fast.
Dennis Finch: But not fast enough. He-hey! Woo!

"Just Shoot Me!: The First Thanksgiving (#5.7)" (2000)
Colleen: You know, Finch, you're the only one who hasn't hit on me.
Dennis Finch: Maybe I have a secret plan to get in bed with you.
[Both laugh; Colleen exits]
Elliot DiMauro: So what is your secret plan?
Dennis Finch: Phase one: We become buddies. Mission accomplished. Phase two: I take her to Jack's beach house on the Hamptons for Thanksgiving.
Elliot DiMauro: What's phase three?
Dennis Finch: We go for a romantic walk of the beach at sunset.
Elliot DiMauro: And then?
Dennis Finch: A sudden gust of wind pulls my pants down to my ankles.

"Just Shoot Me!: Pictures of Lily (#7.10)" (2003)
Lily Barton: Elliot, I think your photos are disgusting and deeply disturbing.
Elliot DiMauro: But you'll show them, right?
Lily Barton: Oh, God, yes. This kind of crap sells.

"Just Shoot Me!: Lies & Dolls (#3.13)" (1999)
Elliot DiMauro: This is my sixth grade picture. Guess which one's me?
Dennis Finch: My God, did you ever have hair?

"Just Shoot Me!: Son of a Preacher Man (#7.19)" (2003)
Elliot DiMauro: This isn't about parking spaces, Jack. It's about respect.
Jack Gallo: I can get you that. Dennis!
Dennis Finch: Now?
Jack Gallo: Now.
Dennis Finch: [Reading off cards] Have you been working out? You look great.
Jack Gallo: He's willing to say that in front of people.

"Just Shoot Me!: Strange Bedfellows (#7.24)" (2003)
Dennis Finch: Me and my friends are plenty sensitive. The other day, Kevin fell down two flights of stairs, and it took all my strength not to laugh.
Elliot DiMauro: Is he all right?
Dennis Finch: [laughing] He broke two ribs.

"Just Shoot Me!: Where's Poppa? (#5.17)" (2001)
Elliot DiMauro: Dennis, what is this in my Diane Arbus book?
Nina Van Horn: It appears to be a drawing of Woody Woodpecker with an erection.
Dennis Finch: I love that you got it.
Elliot DiMauro: This was a gift from my mother, and you doodled all over it!
Dennis Finch: Hey, I was on the phone. I had to do something with my hands.
[flips pages]
Dennis Finch: He's dancing!
Nina Van Horn: It's like a naughty little movie.

"Just Shoot Me!: Two Girls for Every Boy (#3.5)" (1998)
Elliot: Do you have to go around with that filthy thing?
Jack: It's not even lit.
Elliot: I was talking to the cigar.

"Just Shoot Me!: Blackmail Photographer (#4.3)" (1999)
Nina Van Horn: I bet this is about that little incident in China.
Elliot DiMauro: You gave the Minister of Culture your room key.
Nina Van Horn: Can I help it if the entire country dresses like bellhops?

"Just Shoot Me!: The Talented Mr. Finch (#7.12)" (2003)
Elliot DiMauro: I feel like a twelve year old boy.
Maya Gallo: You are not a twelve year old boy.
Vicki Costa: You're a twelve year old girl, you big ballerina.

"Just Shoot Me!: Donnie Returns (#5.4)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: Hey, Jack. Look who's here.
Jack Gallo: Hey, Donnie. Who has a pretty suit? Donnie does!
Maya Gallo: Dad, he's not really slow. Remember?
Jack Gallo: What? A guy can't complement another guy in a childlike voice?
[to another worker]
Jack Gallo: You there! Who's got a shiny tie clasp? You do!