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Quotes for
Jack Gallo (Character)
from "Just Shoot Me!" (1997)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Just Shoot Me!: In Your Dreams (#1.5)" (1997)
Maya: It's always the same. My face gets all scrunched up, my eyes are half closed, and I end up looking like...
Dennis: Popeye?
Elliot: A smurf?
Nina: Eleanor Roosevelt sneezing?
Jack: What the hell is a smurf?
Dennis: It's that little blue man on your wife's lunchbox.

Jack: What are we talking about?
Maya: Nothing!
Nina: Sex dreams.
Jack: Sounds like fun. Who had a sex dream? I want details.
Dennis: Maya did, about Elliot.
Jack: You people are sick!

Elliot: You want me to do a photo ID. That's like asking Picasso to paint your bathroom.
Jack: No, it's like *telling* Picasso to paint your bathroom.

Jack: Come on, people! We need new stories. Any ideas?
Nina: I got it. How about a ten page layout on the comeback of fur?
Jack: What comeback of fur?
Elliot: The one she's been trying to launch ever since she bought those snow leopard skin hot pants.

Jack: [to Hannah, over the phone] Hi, Hannah. Daddy's going to sing a song about... his desk.
[playing his banjo and singing]
Jack: Markers and pencils and pens / And keys to my Mercedes Benz / A cup and an empty green bottle...
Nina: [coming in] Damnit, Jack!
Jack: Oh, look, it's a grumpy ex-model.

Maya: I have never taken a good picture in my life.
Jack: You're exaggerating. You've taken lots of good pictures. What about that one of you surfing?
Maya: That was a caricature.
Jack: I thought your head looked big.

Jack: So, what's in this thing?
Dennis: It covers everything from employee behavior to fire safety, with just a dash of the Iraqi penal code.

Maya: Dad, what do you think of this picture?
Jack: [whistles] She's a looker. Reminds me of a girl I used to run around with.
Maya: Dad, it's me.
Jack: I see. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go in my office and gouge my eyes out.


"Just Shoot Me!: It's Raining Babies (#7.8)" (2003)
Jack Gallo: I don't care is he is the president of Iraq. Only Selleck can pull off that moustache.

Jack Gallo: Vicki has been asking for more work to do.
Nina Van Horn: Well, maybe I want a higher position.
Jack Gallo: You could actually do the work I assign you.
Nina Van Horn: And what perks would this new position entail?

Jack Gallo: I want it done by Friday.
Nina Van Horn: So now we have to work weekends too?

Elliot DiMauro: Sorry if I'm late. Everyone just wants to thank me. Does anyone thank the sun for shining everyday?
Jack Gallo: Did you just compare yourself to the source of all life on this planet?
Elliot DiMauro: It's a heck of a picture.

Maya Gallo: I'm so proud of you, dad. Here Elliot is being completely arrogant, and you rise above it. You are a great man.
Jack Gallo: I'm gonna crush him like a bug.
Maya Gallo: Wait, what?

Maya Gallo: You can't manipulate people like that. What are you, a puppet master?
Jack Gallo: I was going to say savvy manager, but puppet master is cute.
Maya Gallo: We're not puppets, we're independent people.
Jack Gallo: No, you're not.

Jack Gallo: I can't have someone in here acting like he's better than anyone else. That's my job.

Jack Gallo: George, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. That Indiana Jones, he's based on me, right?
George Lucas: What?
Jack Gallo: The rugged good looks, the world traveler, the hat. I have a hat just like that.
George Lucas: You got me.
Jack Gallo: I knew it!


"Just Shoot Me!: The List (#3.8)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: Maya, I'm worried about morale. What are you hearing out there on the bullpen?
Maya Gallo: May I be frank with you? Revolution.

Jack Gallo: I don't get it. Our circulation is growing, our ad revenues are up, that 60 Minutes piece was less damaging than we thought.

Dennis Finch: [through intercom] It's Dennis.
Mark Hamill: ...and Mark Hamill.
Dennis Finch: Hey, guy, back off. Jack, your Barney tickets came through, but it's the same day as the Prada party. What do you want to do?
Jack Gallo: Barney.
Dennis Finch: Right. I'll run the Prada invitations through the shredder.
[makes shredder noises]
Jack Gallo: Dennis, the shredder's in my office.
Mark Hamill: Copy that, red leader.

Jack Gallo: Everyone, I'd like to make a toast.
Elliot DiMauro: No, Jack. I'd like to make a toast. To the man who gave me my start, the man whose vision put us all on the map. I owe you everything. In fact, if I could, I'd call the publisher of Manhattan magazine right now and tell him that you belong up on that list and not me. To Jack Gallo.
Nina Van Horn: Hear, hear!
Maya Gallo: Hear, hear!
Jack Gallo: [hands Elliot his phone] Here. His name is Rick.

[Dennis is shredding invitations Jack can't go to]
Dennis Finch: The annual Playboy pajama party?
Jack Gallo: Please. Half-naked bimbos running around yelling, "The pool's cold! The pool's cold!" Who needs it?
Dennis Finch: I hear ya.
[makes shredder noises while pocketing the invitation]

Jack Gallo: Dead last?
Dennis Finch: If it's any consolation, your buddy Donald Trump plummeted to number five.

Maya Gallo: What are you worried about? It's just a popularity contest.
Jack Gallo: Oh, so on top of everything, I'm also not popular. How could that possibly comfort me?


"Just Shoot Me!: Paradise by the Dashboard Light (#4.14)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: Hey, What's with the outfit?
Kaylene: We're doing a Lover's Lane shoot.
Jack Gallo: Based on your idea, Maya. Women in the Fifties.
Maya Gallo: No, my idea was for a story on women in their fifties.
Jack Gallo: Well, that's just distasteful.

Jack Gallo: What's wrong with her? She has no interest in men. It's like she's throwing in the towel.
Nina Van Horn: Yeah, into the women's locker room.
Jack Gallo: What does that mean?
Nina Van Horn: Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm just saying she's a lesbian.

Jack Gallo: A notion just popped into my head. Pop, apropos of nothing. What do you say when I say "dating service"?
Maya Gallo: That is a great idea.
Jack Gallo: Oh, thank God.
Maya Gallo: It can be a series of articles on how they're a good solution for the business professional, how it doesn't have the same stigma that it used to have...
Nina Van Horn: No, no, no, dear. We mean a dating service for you.
Maya Gallo: Me? Those things are for losers!

Jack Gallo: Carl is not a bad guy, but I just don't think he's the one.
Nina Van Horn: I mean, think about it. A bird in the hand is worth two if by sea.
Jack Gallo: I don't know. He's not much of a go-getter. He's more of a sitter-arounder and reader-too-mucher.

Nina Van Horn: How come she gets two weeks vacation and I only get one?
Jack Gallo: Because last year you took 87 personal days.

Jack Gallo: Ah, France. You'll love it. The quaint villages, the friendly people... Don't tell them you're a quarter Jewish.

Jack Gallo: And I am Jack Gallo, Maya's father.
Carl: Oh, then I guess I should have brought a pig. You see, I'm a student of world cultures, and in the Solomon Islands it is customary to offer the father a pig. Or two pigs depending on the quality of the woman. I'm sure Maya's a 28-pig woman, but if it doesn't work out, I guess I owe you a goat.
Nina Van Horn: He's perfect for her.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Proposal: Part 1 (#5.12)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: Let's see, airbrush that blemish, perk up her breasts, and give her a tan.
Elliot DiMauro: Got it. And this is for which piece?
Jack Gallo: "The Natural Look is Back."

Elliot DiMauro: What is going on here?
Jack Gallo: The ring got stuck on his toe.
Dennis Finch: There's a simple explanation for this.
Elliot DiMauro: Really? I can't wait to hear it.
Dennis Finch: I was in the tub, and I was pretending that my feet were getting married to each other.
Jack Gallo: Then he called me and I came over to help.
Dennis Finch: It could have happened to anyone.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, yeah? Name one time.
Elliot DiMauro: I think it happened on an "ER."
Dennis Finch: I saw that one. It really brought the hospital together.
Jack Gallo: They're a very tight-knit group.
Elliot DiMauro: Will you please stop it?

Jack Gallo: I can't believe it. My little girl is getting married.
Dennis Finch: You still have me, Jack.

Dennis Finch: Jack, we need one more headline for this month's issue.
Jack Gallo: Perfect! I am the king of this. What's it for?
Dennis Finch: The new spring hair styles.
Jack Gallo: How about, "Hair ye! Hair ye! Spring is hair!"? Why aren't you writing it down?
Dennis Finch: Frankly, you can do better.
Jack Gallo: How about this? "Hair, there, everywhere."
Dennis Finch: Keep trying.
Jack Gallo: All right, what would you write?
Dennis Finch: Ummm... make it about orgasms, leave out the hair.
Jack Gallo: There's nothing more I can teach you.

Elliot DiMauro: Jack, I need to tell you something.
Jack Gallo: I'm reading this article about body language.
Elliot DiMauro: It's about...
Jack Gallo: Wait! Don't tell me. Let me guess. Your hands are clasped, your head is low... You want to ask me out to lunch.
Elliot DiMauro: I want to propose to Maya.
Jack Gallo: Wow, I was way off.

[Jack, Nina and Dennis are watching Elliot and Maya from the bar]
Jack Gallo: I think maybe we should actually leave.
Nina Van Horn: Nonsense. Elliot and Maya would want us to stay.
Dennis Finch: I can't see this magical moment.
Nina Van Horn: Fine. Barkeep, bring us another phone book.

Elliot DiMauro: I'm asking for magic, and I'm getting diddly. Nothing is going right.
Jack Gallo: Why? What else happened?
Elliot DiMauro: Nina's with us.
Jack Gallo: Well, that's not very romantic.
Elliot DiMauro: Congratulations, you're a proud graduate of the School of the Blatantly Obvious.


"Just Shoot Me!: Rescue Me (#2.23)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: [looking at Elliot's photos] Oh, look at that woman's face. You can see life's brought her nothing but disappointment.
Elliot DiMauro: That's my mother.

Jack Gallo: Surely you saved some money.
Nina Van Horn: I'm a former model with an addictive personality in a fish suit. What do you think?

Tisha: You better calm down. You dont want that blood to rush too fast.
Jack Gallo: Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Although I don't remember eating any breakfast this morgle...
[faints]

Jack Gallo: [giving Elliot a card] Come and see me sometime.
Elliot DiMauro: [reads card] "Tiger Lily Oriental Massage."
Jack Gallo: Sorry, wrong card.

Elliot DiMauro: Imagine, you walking right by this afternoon. What are the odds?
Jack Gallo: Pretty good. I keep a mistress in this building.

Dennis Finch: Yeah, well who needs your stupid job anyway?
Jack Gallo: You do, don't you?
Dennis Finch: Yes.

Tisha: You didn't put down you blood type.
Jack Gallo: B-positive. That's my motto, that's my blood type. Same as Maya.
Maya Gallo: I'm B-negative.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Devil and Maya Gallo (#1.2)" (1997)
Jack Gallo: Come see your new office.
Maya Gallo: I don't need a new office. I don't want a new office.
[cut to Maya at the office]
Maya Gallo: [delighted] Look at my new office!

Persky: This is no longer my office, is it?
Jack Gallo: I got you a better office on the eighteenth floor.
Persky: Isn't that storage?
Jack Gallo: Okay.

Jack Gallo: Why are things so serious with you? Relax, have some fun.
Maya Gallo: I will have you know that I do have fun. I go to... I collect... Believe me, I have fun.

Persky: Morning, everyone. I'm moving back into my office.
Jack Gallo: Persky, my main man!
Persky: I'm not moving back into my office, am I, sir?
Jack Gallo: I hear they like you up on eighteen.
Persky: I'm the only one there.
Jack Gallo: Okay.

Maya Gallo: Here's my new idea.
Jack Gallo: Lay it on me.
Maya Gallo: A hard-hitting expose on the apalling working conditions of foreign workers on the garment industry.
Dennis Finch: Boo-hoo.
Nina Van Horn: Maya, you're new here, so let me introduce you to the phrase "pooping in your own nest."

Jack Gallo: I haven't shown you the company credit cards.
Maya Gallo: Why do we need credit cards?
Jack Gallo: Look, a hologram of a bird. I bet if you showed this to a caveman, he'd have a heart attack.

Nina Van Horn: Jack, Maya is bad news. The three of us are the backbone of this magazine...
Jack Gallo: Three? I only see two of you.
Nina Van Horn: No, there's me, there's Finch, and there's... Elliot, you bastard.


"Just Shoot Me!: Blinded by the Right (#4.19)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, get me a bodyguard.
Elliot DiMauro: Here. Strong enough for a man.
Jack Gallo: I mean a real bodyguard.
Elliot DiMauro: Are you in any danger?
Jack Gallo: These are very violent times, and a man in my position needs to be careful.
Maya Gallo: Did Trump get one?
Jack Gallo: With an earpiece and a big old gun.

Jack Gallo: Boys, God may be on his side, but Lady Luck is my bitch.

Jack Gallo: I'm using my famous charm and disarm strategy.
Elliot DiMauro: What's that?
Jack Gallo: Remember when you came in asking for a raise and ended up babysitting for me the whole weekend?
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah... Oh. Hey!

Dean Logan: You have 24 hours to agree to my terms.
Jack Gallo: Good. That gives me more time to come up with more naughty headlines. How about this one? Ten hot tips for sexy nudie sex sex!

Nina Van Horn: Citizens for Morality. Isn't that the group that got Cosmo banned from Gelman's?
Jack Gallo: That's right. How did you know?
Nina Van Horn: I read about it in the newspaper.
Jack Gallo: Were you wrapping something?
Nina Van Horn: I was reading the paper, Jack.
Jack Gallo: Why?

Dennis Finch: I'll be your bodyguard.
[all laugh]
Dennis Finch: I'm serious. There are bodyguard schools.
[laugh some more]
Jack Gallo: See, he starts a joke, then he builds on it.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. See what I did there? Pretty sweet.
Elliot DiMauro: How about this? Let me be your bodyguard!
Jack Gallo: See, it's funny when Dennis does it 'cause he's scrawny.
Elliot DiMauro: But I said it with a funny voice.
Maya Gallo: Honey, let it go.

Nina Van Horn: I'll debate him on the issues. I'll just have to read up on my Fifth Amendment.
Jack Gallo: First Amendment.
Nina Van Horn: Good idea. Start with the easy ones then work my way up.


"Just Shoot Me!: How Nina Got Her Groove Back (#3.9)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: Dennis!
Dennis Finch: Okay, you're in a meadow high in the Alps. A young Shirley Jones asks you to make her a woman.
Jack Gallo: Is she wearing a bonnet?
Dennis Finch: Yes, and leading a cow.
Jack Gallo: Will you stop with those cows?

Jack Gallo: We better call Margo's boss to straighten things out. What excuse haven't we used yet?
Dennis Finch: Uh, let's see. The only ones left are, "She's going through menopause," and "She's a sociopath."
Nina Van Horn: Sociopath.

Dennis Finch: I'm taking lunch orders from the Carnegie deli. Want anything?
Jack Gallo: Roast beef on rye.
Dennis Finch: Gotcha. One Donald Trump.
Jack Gallo: What do you mean Donald Trump?
Dennis Finch: He's got a sandwich named after him.
Jack Gallo: I've been going to that deli longer than he has. When are they going to name something after me? What am I, chopped liver?
Dennis Finch: No, that's the Morey Amsterdam.

Jack Gallo: Margo steps down, you rise up, it's called a power vacuum. When the dominant faction grows old and weak, a new one rises up to take its place. Which is why we humans have to keep an eye on those stinking monkeys.

Dennis Finch: I bring good news from the Carnegie Deli.
Jack Gallo: You got them to name a sandwich after me?
Dennis Finch: I give you the Jack Gallo, hold the Maya.
Jack Gallo: This is great! I finally have something...
[Picks up sandwich]
Jack Gallo: What is this, a joke?
Dennis Finch: No, check it out. It's a pita stuffed with watercress, wheat germ and avocado. Used to be called the Liberace.

Elliot DiMauro: Isn't it time you stopped this competition with Margo?
Nina Van Horn: What competition? Margo's doing the best job she can, and I'm doing the best job I can.
Jack Gallo: Margo Langhorne just retired.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, my God! I won! I won!


"Just Shoot Me!: Bye Bye Binnie (#6.4)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: This thing is great. It's like having a little assistant in my pocket.
Dennis Finch: That's what you used to call me.

Jack Gallo: Why would you want to go to college? You just got your foot at the door here. Be patient. You'll work your way up.
Dennis Finch: I've been here for ten years.
Jack Gallo: No!
Dennis Finch: Yes.
Jack Gallo: Son of a bitch.

Jack Gallo: You're not going to the funeral?
Nina Van Horn: It conflicts with my massage.
Jack Gallo: Don't you want to pay your respects?
Nina Van Horn: I am. I took her appointment.

Dennis Finch: What about the Gallo scholarship?
Jack Gallo: That's right. It's meant for Blush employees and their families, you certainly qualify.
Dennis Finch: As an employee... or as family?
Jack Gallo: Dennis, you have real parents.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, real stupid parents.

Maya Gallo: How could you give the scholarship to Finch? The scholarship is my responsibility!
Jack Gallo: Dennis is really applying himself. Why not give the money to him?
Maya Gallo: Dad, we both know he'll just spend it on candy.

Dennis Finch: Jack, I told you, I like the egg.
Jack Gallo: But I want you to love the egg.
Dennis Finch: Fine. I love the egg.
Jack Gallo: What do you love most about it?


"Just Shoot Me!: Finch and the Fighter (#5.10)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: This is a real gym, hard core. This is not like those places where you Slim Down with Salsa.
Dennis Finch: It's Tone Up with Tango, and I use ankle weights. These bozos wouldn't last the day.

Jack Gallo: She's not normal. It's one thing when women mud wrestle in bikinis. There's dignity in that.

Nina Van Horn: So she's a female bisexual boxer?
Jack Gallo: Dennis, here's a hundred dollars. I want you to buy yourself a hooker. It'll be the most normal relationship you've ever had.

Jack Gallo: Wait a minute. How do we know you and Kevin haven't worked out some sort of system?
Kevin Liotta: [shouting] I'm not a cheater!
Jack Gallo: Okay, that's good enough for me.

Jack Gallo: You know, I was quite the boxer.
Dennis Finch: I blew up a tank in the Gulf War.
Jack Gallo: You can't let me have anything, can you?

Jack Gallo: Dennis, are you drinking my good scotch?
Nina Van Horn: Calm down, it's mostly water now, anyway... I'm guessing.


"Just Shoot Me!: Evaluate This! (#7.23)" (2003)
Dennis Finch: Check it out, my Planet of the Apes collection is almost complete.
Jack Gallo: You know, I don't get that movie. Are the lady apes supposed to be sexy?
Dennis Finch: I don't think so.
Jack Gallo: Yeah, neither do I.

Vicki Costa: Can I come in?
Jack Gallo: Sure, unless you think I'm being too pushy or bloated.
Vicki Costa: I didn't say bloated.
Jack Gallo: It was implied.

Jack Gallo: All of the great captains of industry are doing it.
Dennis Finch: Kirk, Kangaroo, Crunch... although technically, Crunch is a Cap'n.

Jack Gallo: [takes Dennis' action figure] Tell me what you really think or Dr. Zaius gets it.
Dennis Finch: Please don't hurt my monkey.

Jack Gallo: It's Fashion Week. Nina, I'm sure you're looking forward to all those parties.
Nina Van Horn: I resent that. Just because you flatline at a couple of parties they label you a party animal.

Jack Gallo: I want you to be honest. Really let me have it.
Maya Gallo: Well, you can be pushy.
Jack Gallo: There you go.
Vicki Costa: And you're self-centered.
Jack Gallo: That's it.
Elliot DiMauro: [stands up and slams hand on table] You belittle me!
Jack Gallo: Okay...
Elliot DiMauro: I give and give and you never give anything back!
Jack Gallo: All right, Sally, take a Midol.


"Just Shoot Me!: Finch in the Dogg House (#6.1)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: I wonder if they have soft-shelled crabs yet? You know what I like about them?
Maya Gallo: Eating them make you feel powerful like a giant squid.
Jack Gallo: Shark, Maya. I'm a giant shark.

Jack Gallo: You're fired.
Dennis Finch: You can't just fire me. You have to give me some warning.
Jack Gallo: You're right. Look out, you're fired.

Jack Gallo: Look at all these gifts.
Maya Gallo: [picks a plush bee and reads card] "Let's bee friends."
[picks a plush bear]
Maya Gallo: "I can't bear to be apart."
[picks up a plush tiger]
Maya Gallo: "I miss you, and I'm not lion."
Jack Gallo: That one doesn't even make sense. It's a tiger.
Maya Gallo: Which is "not lion".

Jack Gallo: Whose pants are these?
Allie, Maya's stepmother and former classmate: Boop! Got your nose!
Jack Gallo: No, Allie. That won't work this time. You haven't got my nose.

Ms. Picklesbee: And here's the SkyMall magazine you requested.
Jack Gallo: Perfect. Let's see if this stuff is as tempting on the ground.

Dennis Finch: I'm going on a world-wide tour, first class everything. Hotels, food, fly women, water parks.
Jack Gallo: Water parks?
Dennis Finch: Snoop and the gang love to beat the heat.
Snoop Dogg: Yeah, the got a slide in Singapore that does a loopity-loop.


"Just Shoot Me!: My Fair Finchy (#7.18)" (2003)
[Dennis and Rhonda come out of the elevator after making out]
Jack Gallo: We've been waiting for the elevator for twenty minutes.
Dennis Finch: Only eighteen of that was foreplay.

Jack Gallo: Do you know how I got rich?
Nina Van Horn: Your parents exploited poor immigrant laborin sweatshops and left their blood money to you?
Jack Gallo: Sure, that gave me a boost in the beginning...

Rhonda Ferrara: So you're Chief Moneybuckets. You look like a couple handsful of fun. Let's say we undo some of those vest buttons and watch the raft inflate?
Jack Gallo: [uneasy] She seems nice.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, I want you to find all the information you can on a Marjorie Moynihan.
Dennis Finch: The maid? Dude, you can do better than that.

Jack Gallo: Marjorie, Nina and I were involved in a petty competition, and we may have led you to believe that we care more about you than we actually do.
Marjorie Moynihan: How much do you care about me?
Jack Gallo: Very, very little.
Nina Van Horn: Even less.

Jack Gallo: What is that on your neck? Did you get branded?
Dennis Finch: No. Rhonda heated up a belt buckle and gave me a little love burn.
Jack Gallo: Dennis, this woman, is she holding you against your will?
Dennis Finch: No, we're cool.
Jack Gallo: I see. She's watching us, isn't she? Blink three times if you want me to call the authorities.


"Just Shoot Me!: Lies & Dolls (#3.13)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Come on, have a little faith in the girl. Nina could play that part.
Nina Van Horn: Well, thank you, Jack.
Jack Gallo: I totally buy you as a homewrecker.
Nina Van Horn: Homemaker.
Jack Gallo: Oh, you're no good for that.

Jack Gallo: Is that all you do all day? Make wise-ass comments?
Dennis Finch: No. I answer the phone funny.

Nina Van Horn: Who wants to try a bowl of delicious home-made my stuffin'?
Jack Gallo: Nina, there's nothing in that bowl.
Dennis Finch: And by bowl he means your head.

Nina Van Horn: I have an hour until my audition, so I want to stay in character. Listen to this. "Simple Times Stuffin', the easy way to spice up your next lynchin'."
Jack Gallo: [reads Nina's script] The word is "luncheon."
Nina Van Horn: Oh, good. That makes my character that more likeable.

Jack Gallo: Do you know what he said was the secret of his success? He said he didn't have an office.
Dennis Finch: It's what shot me to the top.

Jack Gallo: [about "The Six Million Dollar Man"] I stopped watching when they gave bionics to the dog. You spend six million bucks on an animal, it should talk.


"Just Shoot Me!: Guess Who's Coming to Blush (#7.1)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Where's the Sweet and Low?
Dennis Finch: [points at crotch] Right here, chief. Just ask the ladies.
Elliot DiMauro: I think he meant the other tiny pink package.

Jack Gallo: When we get to the meeting, you tell them everything you told me, except that thing you called my mother. It may be true, but it's irrelevant.

Jack Gallo: All right, what have you got?
Maya Gallo: I have some great new, innovative ideas.
Nina Van Horn: And some cleverly repackaged old ones.

Maya Gallo: You can have the Equal.
Jack Gallo: Maya, I can have the Equal, I can have honey and molasses, I can go to Brazil, get a machete and hack me a stalk of pure cane, but all I want is the Sweet and Low! But apparently, what I want is irrelevant!
[goes into his office]
Elliot DiMauro: What's with him?
Nina Van Horn: Read between the lines! The man really likes his Sweet and Low!

Jack Gallo: The New York Post thinks we're irrelevant. Let me read to you just how irrelevent we are
[puts on glasses and reads]
Jack Gallo: Very.

Maya Gallo: She's driving everyone crazy!
Jack Gallo: Good! Creative people do their best work when their angry. Mozart used to throw pastry at his cat.
Maya Gallo: No, he didn't.
Jack Gallo: Maybe it was Billy Joel.


"Just Shoot Me!: In the Company of Maya (#2.12)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: You know, I used to date a model who posed for lingerie ads.
Elliot DiMauro: And?
Jack Gallo: That's it, no point, just boasting.

Maya Gallo: This is ridiculous! I'm being accused of something I didn't do, and I'm supposed to just sit back and take it?
Jack Gallo: Welcome to all three of my divorces.

Jack Gallo: Such an exciting time. The moving in, the getting married... the first arguments, the new girl from accounting, the alimony... Now I'm sad.

Elliot DiMauro: Oh, God! Why did it have to be hemorrhoids?
Jack Gallo: I think it's great. You should be proud of her.
Elliot DiMauro: You think so?
Dennis Finch: You know what they say. You have to start at the *bottom*.

Elliot DiMauro: So, Miss "women aren't objects"? Is this the pot feeling up the kettle.
Maya Gallo: I didn't feel up any kettle. This is all a scam.
Jack Gallo: Scam or not, we need to protect ourselves. So if anyone asks, this meeting took place in March 1994.

Jack Gallo: Allie, it's not the repair man's fault. The reason the dishes are coming out broken is because that's the garbage disposal.


"Just Shoot Me!: And the Femmy Goes To... (#3.20)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this statue?
Elliot DiMauro: It has no genitals.
Jack Gallo: It's lonely.
Dennis Finch: Of course. It has no genitals.

Jack Gallo: The truth is, who cares about animals in eye shadow?
Elliot DiMauro: Mountain folk?

Jack Gallo: This guy hosted last year. He's great
Emcee: So, do we really need to sit here for three hours, or can we just give all the awards to Cosmo?
Jack Gallo: Get off the stage, you hack!

Jack Gallo: I'm just so nervous. The nominations may come at any minute.
Dennis Finch: Well, actually...
Jack Gallo: Dennis, make a call and find out where those nominations are.
Dennis Finch: Right away.
[picks up receiver]
Dennis Finch: Hello, where are those nominations? What's that? My left hand? Thank you.

Jack Gallo: I believe a toast is in order.
Dennis Finch: Allow me. I hope you all get Legionnaire's disease.
[breaks glass, leaves]
Nina Van Horn: Not his best toast.

Jack Gallo: What is it with everybody?
Nina Van Horn: Don't worry, Jack. You still got me.
Jack Gallo: Oh, please. There's no chance you'll win.


"Just Shoot Me!: Amblushed (#2.21)" (1998)
Maya: Don't think you can weasel away from explaining why you changed the title of my article.
Jack: Your title was too confusing.
Maya: What is so confusing about, "The Lost Art of Listening"?
Jack: Who?

Jack: Maya, yelling is like trying to eat a steak through a straw.
Dennis: [writing] Sweet. Keep 'em coming.
Jack: It gets you all red in the face, but in the end, you get no steak.
[Dennis erases what he wrote]
Jack: What?
Dennis: You're forcing it. Just let it come.

Maya: Hello, all! My, what a beautiful morning.
Jack: My, you're happy.
Maya: And why wouldn't I be? When I woke up this morning, I looked up, and there was a bird in my window sill, and it was singing.
Jack: Singing. That's nice.
Maya: It gets better. I step out of my building, and a cab stops right in front of me. A clean cab with a nice driver.
Jack: It doesn't get any better.
Maya: Oh, but it does. I get to work, what do I see on the newsstand but the brand new issue of Blush Magazine, with my article on the cover? An article that took me four weeks to research. An article that I titled "The Lost Art of Listening", but that some one had changed to "Shut Up And Maybe He'll Love You." So thank you. Thanks for everything.
Jack: You're welcome. I'm just happy to be part of your perfect morning.
Maya: I was being sarcastic! I'm furious with you!
Jack: Oh, well, I'd like to deal with this, but I have this thing in my keister.

Maya: Don't think you can avoid this with a bunch of dopey metaphors.
Jack: Dopey all the way to the bank!
Dennis: Is that one?
Jack: I'm not sure yet.

Stephanie Griffin-Cooper: Mr. Gallo, how do you explain that Blush Magazine is in a sexist time warp?
Jack: Please, doll, call me Jack.
Stephanie Griffin-Cooper: Isn't it true that Blush treats women as trophies?
Jack: Nothing could be further from the truth.
Nina: [steps in still wearing gold paint] Sorry, forgot my purse.

Jack: I just realized I must say dozens of clever things every day.
Dennis: Uh-huh?
Jack: And that's where you come in. I want you to follow me around and write down all of my Galloisms.
Dennis: Galloisms?
Jack: You know, my verbal gems. My nuggets of wisdom.
Dennis: Ooh, I'd better call Bic and tell them to make more pens.


"Just Shoot Me!: Fast Times at Finchmont High (#4.24)" (2000)
Nina Van Horn: You know what? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna be celibate.
[Maya laughs as she passes by]
Elliot DiMauro: Don't let that discourage you, all right? That's only one person's opinion.
Jack Gallo: [from inside his office] Nina? Ha ha ha!

Jack Gallo: We just need to find someone who can pass for a high school kid.
Maya Gallo: Yeah, but where?
Dennis Finch: He he! You said "buttwear."

Jack Gallo: It's just for one day. Stanley can fill in for you.
Kevin Liotta: It's Kevin.
Jack Gallo: You don't look like a Kevin.
Kevin Liotta: I know. I don't feel like a Kevin.

Jack Gallo: [about Kevin's singing] Such sweet sounds from such an odd bird.

Jack Gallo: I'm telling you, he has the voice of an angel.
Elliot DiMauro: Aha. And a basement full of hitchhikers.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Book of Jack (#6.18)" (2002)
Elliot DiMauro: Ooh, nudie cards. Boy, the women here are enormous.
Jack Gallo: Back then that was considered a good thing. Now we know better.
Dennis Finch: [taking the cards] Oo-la-la! Looks like D. Finch is playing a little Solitaire tonight.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, did you remember to pack my scuba mask? I want to be able to see my bare feet underwater. It makes them look gigantic.
Dennis Finch: Be sure to wear these underwater socks.
Jack Gallo: But...
Dennis Finch: Hey! There's coral, there's jellyfish, there's sharp things that are... pointy.

Jack Gallo: That's not writing, not like that, on a computer. This is the way to write, on the old typewriter. Idea to finger, finger to key, key to word.
Dennis Finch: Pretty much the same deal over here.

Jack Gallo: I want you to write me a novel.
Bob Fennel: That's not what I came here for.
Jack Gallo: Change of plans, you're writing a novel.
Bob Fennel: But that's not what I do.
Jack Gallo: I'll tell you what. I'll show you a sample of my writing.
Bob Fennel: Now that's more like it. I can get a hold on your style, suggest improvements, really access the story structure.
Jack Gallo: [gives Bob a signed check] How's that?
Bob Fennel: That's some writing.

Jack Gallo: I see myself as a Hemmingway type. And be sure it has a panther. A Jack Gallo novel would have a panther
Bob Fennel: You got it.
Jack Gallo: And try to add a little romance. They'll come for the panthers, they'll stay for the love.


"Just Shoot Me!: Liotta? Liotta! (#6.12)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Look at that bridge. That's the George Washington Bridge.
Dennis Finch: Oh, no.
Jack Gallo: The man deserves a bridge. In fact, he was a bridge. A bridge from tyranny to freedom.
Dennis Finch: Where did this come from? Did you see movie? Read a book?
Jack Gallo: Book. I'm nearly at page three and I'm riveted.

Jack Gallo: Get me the Stafford catalog. I want to own something of the man, something that will inspire me every day.
Dennis Finch: So the Ben Franklin phase is over?
Jack Gallo: Yes, Get rid of the kite. Leave the key.

Jack Gallo: From now on, we're gonna be the toughest damn fashion magazine in town. Except maybe for Glamour. Those guys are a bunch of hooligans.

Jack Gallo: Is that the Maya thing?
Dennis Finch: You know about the Maya thing?
Jack Gallo: Who doesn't know about the Maya thing?
Maya Gallo: Hey, what's going on?

Jack Gallo: Listen at you two, complaining about soda. Do you realize the kind of hardships George Washington's men had to endure that winter at Valley Forge?
Dennis Finch: Kinda. The AC is great, but sometimes it gets a little chilly.


"Just Shoot Me!: Secretary's Day (#1.3)" (1997)
Jack Gallo: Where's the speech to the publishers?
Dennis Finch: On your computer. It's on a file marked, and try to follow me, Speech to the Publishers.
Jack Gallo: Ha! Computers.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, scary. But you'll get used to them, just like fire.

Jack Gallo: As my father used to say, "the only job to be ashamed of is a job poorly done."
Dennis Finch: What did he do?
Jack Gallo: He wrote inspirational sentences on posters.

Jack Gallo: See what happens when you leave in the middle of a workday?
Dennis Finch: Yeah, the Banana Council offers you three times your salary to be their spokesman.
Maya Gallo: Wow, that's great. Isn't it, dad?
Jack Gallo: Yes, we're all very impressed you fell into the monkey pit.

Jack Gallo: How long have you been with me, Dennis?
Dennis Finch: Eight years.
Jack Gallo: No kidding? That's longer than any of my marriages.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, but I bet they got more money off ya.

Maya Gallo: I hoped you're proud of yourself. Dennis came to you with a problem, and do you help him?
Jack Gallo: Yes. I thought he left here very inspired.
Maya Gallo: Oh, Lord, you quoted grandpa.


"Just Shoot Me!: Lemon Wacky Hello (#1.6)" (1997)
Jack: Here, Dennis.
Dennis: Oh, another scarf. What are the odds?
Jack: No. It's an ascot. The pictures tell the story of a young boy so daring he stole wisdom from the moon.
Dennis: Thank you. I will cherish it always.
[to Elliot]
Dennis: Trade you for the screaming monkey.
Elliot: Done.

Jack: [gives Maya a scarf] Here, I saw this and thought of you. The pictures tells the story of a young girl so beautiful she stole envy from the moon.
Maya: Oh, it's beautiful. Thanks, dad.
Jack: Here, Nina. I got you one too.

Elliot: How was China?
Jack: It was wonderful. You know, it's the Year of the Rat, but I keep writing Year of the Dog on my checks. The guy at the airport told me that one.
Dennis: Not as well as you, I'll bet.

Maya: Remember when I told you I fixed the board?
Jack: Yes.
Maya: Well, I fixed it all right. I fixed it to death.

Jack: The day a productive man can't enjoy a tasty treat from the Orient is the day I move into a cave and sleep on my own beard.
Cop: I'm looking for a Nina Van Horn.
Jack: Take her away.


"Just Shoot Me!: Sid & Nina (#5.16)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Dad, didn't your doctor warn you about cheese?
Jack Gallo: He said too much cheese.
Maya Gallo: How much is too much?
Jack Gallo: Exactly.

Jack Gallo: She's been acting strange lately. I should do something.
Dennis Finch: That would involve talking to her about her day.
Jack Gallo: Ah, she'll be fine. She's a survivor.

Maya Gallo: I know what this is. You only want Hellen because she's with another man.
Jack Gallo: That's ridiculous. You obviously know nothing about male behavior.
Maya Gallo: I know what I saw. Yesterday she didn't have any oomph. Elliot sits down, and suddenly - Bang! Poof! - Oomph!
Jack Gallo: Seriously, people across the street can hear you.

Maya Gallo: Here's my piece on face lifts under thirty.
Jack Gallo: Thank you.
Maya Gallo: And here's my written protest.
Jack Gallo: I'll put in in your file.

Maya Gallo: So how did your date with Helen go?
Jack Gallo: Well...
Maya Gallo: I knew it! You dumped her!
Jack Gallo: It's just that I thought it through, and...
Maya Gallo: Let me guess. Not enough oomph?
Jack Gallo: And hardly any vavoom.
Maya Gallo: What about ha-cha-cha?
Jack Gallo: Your words, not mine.


"Just Shoot Me!: La Cage (#2.4)" (1997)
Jack Gallo: The budget is extremely tight right now.
Nina Van Horn: Really?
Jack Gallo: Yes. We all have to make sacrifices.
Dennis Finch: Jack, your solid gold spy pen just arrived.

Nina Van Horn: I think it's time for an Indian chant.
[chants]
Jack Gallo: Nina, no.
Nina Van Horn: This intervention sucks.

Elliot DiMauro: We have to stop Finch, before it turns into Fatal Attraction.
Jack Gallo: I loved that movie! He goes out with a woman once, and she becomes totally obsessed. Gotta boost a man's ego.

Jack Gallo: Five thirty and he's still not back from lunch? Even in the seventies that wouldn't fly.

Dennis Finch: Jack, I'm going out.
Jack Gallo: Remember, stay away from that Nikki.
Dennis Finch: I'm going to a party with her.
Jack Gallo: Have fun!


"Just Shoot Me!: War & Sleaze (#2.25)" (1998)
Dennis Finch: You're not still mad about paintball, are you?
Jack Gallo: You shot me three seconds into the war!

Maya Gallo: Dad, we need to talk about our astrologer.
Jack Gallo: Madame Delores? What's wrong with her?
Maya Gallo: I don't think her heart's in it anymore.
Jack Gallo: [reading] "Pisces: Something bad may or may not happen to you." I'm a Pisces.

Maya Gallo: Don't I get an invitation? Oh, I see. It's boys only. God forbid, a woman should be tough enough for combat.
Jack Gallo: Do you want to go?
Maya Gallo: Sure, I'll go. Unless it rains. Or it's too cold. I don't wanna go.

Elliot DiMauro: At what time do we have to be there?
Jack Gallo: Combat begins at 0800 hours, with a cappuccino reception at seven-thirtyish.

Jack Gallo: We're fighting against Obsession.
Maya Gallo: Obsession the perfume?
Jack Gallo: Don't laugh. They're the toughest team on the perfume leagues. Their ambush of Old Spice is legendary.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Pirate of Love (#4.16)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: Of course, buying cookies is completely voluntary, so no pressure. Dennis?
Dennis Finch: [takes out large chart] Everyone here starts out with a little sad face next to their name. But once you buy five boxes of cookies - Presto! - it turns into a smiley face.
Jack Gallo: Now, this chart is for bookkeeping purposes only. I'll scarsely even notice it.
[to Dennis]
Jack Gallo: Eye level, please.

Jack Gallo: Who here thinks I'm intimidating? Well, answer me!

Jack Gallo: So, on this team, are you the bitch?
Elliot DiMauro: What does that mean?
Jack Gallo: Nothing. I wish I was man enough to do exactly what my wife tells me to, but I'm not, so I'm stuck doing what I want.
Elliot DiMauro: You don't think I do what I want?
Jack Gallo: Didn't you hear my "bitch" comment?

Jack Gallo: Good people of Blush, Dennis has an important announcement. Dennis?
Dennis Finch: Because of a slowing of the economy, the following people will be laid off...
Jack Gallo: No, Dennis, the other announcement. That's next Tuesday's announcement.

Nina Van Horn: I have some cash now. How many boxes will this buy?
Jack Gallo: What is it?
Nina Van Horn: A rolled up hundred dollar bill. I found it in my hollowed out Bible.
Jack Gallo: Praise the Lord.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Impossible Dream (#6.7)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: Kevin, I have decided to make you our mailroom supervisor. You'll get a bigger mail cart, your own office, and best of all, more money. So, what do you say?
Kevin Liotta: Nah.
Jack Gallo: What did you say?
Kevin Liotta: I said, "Nah."

Jack Gallo: No one says "Nah" to Jack Gallo.
Nina Van Horn: Are you going to fire him?
Jack Gallo: No. I'm going to promote the hell out of him.

Kevin Liotta: Do rich people get to lick the bottom of the bowl?
Jack Gallo: That's the thing about being rich. There is no bottom of the bowl.
Kevin Liotta: Is the bowl magic?

Nina Van Horn: We finally did it! We got our revenge on Kevin!
Jack Gallo: Nina, we were trying to help him.
Nina Van Horn: Oh... Whoops!

Jack Gallo: Kevin, you have to give all this stuff back. You can't afford it.
Kevin Liotta: But you said I would get more promotions and more money.
Jack Gallo: I said maybe, in time.
Kevin Liotta: No, more promotions, more money! More promotions, more money!
Jack Gallo: No.
Kevin Liotta: I can't afford this pricey, risotto lifestyle, and now regular rice tastes like crap to me! My life is ruined!


"Just Shoot Me!: The Experiment (#2.1)" (1997)
Jack Gallo: Looks may help on the trivial stuff, but on the important stuff, uh-uh.
Dennis Finch: No, that's when a little thing called nepotism kicks in.

Maya Gallo: You bought that?
Jack Gallo: Don't be so surprised. I'm going to be a hands-on dad. Dennis, get someone from maintenance to bulid this.
Maya Gallo: Wait. You know what would be more hands-on? Actually using your hands.
Jack Gallo: Fine. I'll call maintenance.

Jack Gallo: Finally, it's finished. I'm done.
Dennis Finch: Jack, a fax just came for you.
Jack Gallo: Look at that, Dennis. With my own two hands, I built something that will give my daughter joy, and no one can take that away from me.
Dennis Finch: Except for the people at the Consumer Safety Commission. Toy's been recalled.
Jack Gallo: Whatever the hell for?
Dennis Finch: Allow me to demonstrate.
Dennis Finch: [picks up a piece from toy] I'm six to eighteen months old. Mmm, tasty, candy-like. I think I'll cram it down my esophagus.

Jack Gallo: How did you get to be so cynical?
Elliot DiMauro: Jack, do you think these woman's shins are too long?
Jack Gallo: What a waste.

Maya Gallo: And you, Elliot. When was the last time you dated someone who was less than perfect?
Elliot DiMauro: Rachel Drach.
Maya Gallo: November's cover model?
Elliot DiMauro: Her belly button was an outie.
Jack Gallo: What a waste.


"Just Shoot Me!: Puppetmaster (#3.7)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: Quick, quick! Channel six, fast.
Jack Gallo: Why?
Maya Gallo: My blind date is on. I want to see what he looks like.
Charlton Heston: Hello, I'm Charlton Heston. Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun.
Jack Gallo: Maya, no!
Maya Gallo: No, no! Channel six.

Jack Gallo: You're reading too much into this, Maya. They're just puppets. Except the one with the monocle. He really burns my ass.

[Jack and Elliot are watching Brian's Song]
Jack Gallo: This is without question the greatest guy movie ever made.
Dennis Finch: Ooh, Footloose.

Jack Gallo: The wolf should get more camera time. He's like a young Pacino.

Jack Gallo: When you meet this guy, ask him why Mr. Mayor wears glasses and a monocle. It really bothers Hannah.


"Just Shoot Me!: Eve of Destruction (#2.24)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: Dad, please don't run away.
Jack Gallo: I'm not running, I'm surviving. Does the antelope stand by the waterhole and converse with the surly panther? Not in my Africa.

Dennis Finch: What's up, chief?
Jack Gallo: Not much, except that acording to this heart monitor, I'm clinically dead.
Dennis Finch: Let me be the first to say, you were a great, great man, and dibs on your wife.

Maya Gallo: You two are so alike.
Jack Gallo: Yes, we both spend my money.
Eve Gallo: And we each took a bath with my sister, only I was three at the time.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, hide this painting. Put it somewhere where no one ever goes.
Dennis Finch: Gotcha. I'll put it in Maya's bedroom.

Jack Gallo: Maya, remember during the divorce we had that talk about how it wasn't your fault?
Maya Gallo: Yes.
Jack Gallo: We won't be having that talk.


"Just Shoot Me!: Toy Story (#3.17)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, what's that smell I like?
Dennis Finch: Meadow after a rain storm?
Jack Gallo: That's it.

Nina Van Horn: There is something I haven't told you about me.
Jack Gallo: I find that hard to believe.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, let me offer you a piece of advice that will help you as you travel through that long road of life: never buy a racehorse with Robert Goulet.
Dennis Finch: Thanks for the tip, Yoda.

Nina Van Horn: [after talking to Jack's racehorse] Your precious race is on, Jack.
Jack Gallo: How do you know?
Nina Van Horn: He spoke to me.
Jack Gallo: Well, if he told you I ate one of his apples, he's a liar.

[Elliot finds the sex toys that he thinks came from Maya]
Jack Gallo: What she get ya?
Elliot DiMauro: Socks. Just socks.
Jack Gallo: Socks? Cool! What kind?
Elliot DiMauro: Tube socks.
Jack Gallo: Tube socks? Do they come with stripes?
Elliot DiMauro: Sure, whatever.
Jack Gallo: Do they have that little padding on the heel?
Elliot DiMauro: Back off, Jack! They're just stupid socks!
Jack Gallo: Make a note: Elliot hates socks.


"Just Shoot Me!: Hello Goodbye (#4.6)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: I had no idea Dagget was doing so badly.
Jack Gallo: He's no worse than the others. But what is the point of giving an employee an evaluation if it doesn't motivate him?
Maya Gallo: Motivate him to do what, wet himself?

Jack Gallo: Dagget, go wait ouside, and none of your insolent eye contact.

Maya Gallo: I can't evaluate the staff. They're my peers. I'm one of them.
Jack Gallo: Of course you are, my little heir to the throne.

Dennis Finch: I'm dating one of the most beautiful women in the world, and I have feelings for another woman.
Jack Gallo: Dennis, I don't want to be involved.
Dennis Finch: She's right outside.
Jack Gallo: I'll pretend I'm getting a doughnut.

Dennis Finch: That's it, I'll do something romantic.
Jack Gallo: There you go.
Dennis Finch: Maybe a poem.
Jack Gallo: Nothing in writing! Well, at least avoid the phrase, "I owe you everything."


"Just Shoot Me!: Love Is in the Air (#4.9)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: You're a deal maker now. Everything you do must say, "Here I am. I am powerful. I am important."
Maya Gallo: Hey, isn't that your ex-wife?
Jack Gallo: Hide.

Jack Gallo: I can't believe I'm paying alimony just so she can spend it on that dog.
Ernesto: You know what his name is? Jack. Guess why?
Jack Gallo: Because you had him castrated too?
Roberta: No, because he humps everything that moves.

Jack Gallo: People, Maya and I are going to Paris for a big take over deal, but it's top secret, so no questions.
Elliot DiMauro: What are you taking over?
Jack Gallo: A hot French fashion magazine called Jolie. We're buying it cheap, firing the staff and turning it into French Blush, but that's all I'm telling you.

Passenger: [Jack and Roberta come out of the airplane bathroom] Congratulations. You've just joined the mile high club.
Jack Gallo: Watch your mouth, buddy. We were just talking. And FYI, I've been a member since '63.

Maya Gallo: I feel guilty flying first class.
Jack Gallo: What's the alternative?
Maya Gallo: Coach?
Jack Gallo: Ha!... Oh, you're serious.


"Just Shoot Me!: Mum's the Word (#5.3)" (2000)
Dennis Finch: You know what this is?
Jack Gallo: The outside of the office you're supposed to be in?
Dennis Finch: No, they're filming The Nomad.
Jack Gallo: Who?
Dennis Finch: The Nomad. It's a TV show. He travels from town to town solving crimes, armed only with his wits and the occasional help of a superintelligent raven.
Jack Gallo: That sounds stupid.
Dennis Finch: You sound stupid! I'm sorry. He's been through so much.

Jack Gallo: I don't get that show. If he's a nomad, how does he get his mail?
Dennis Finch: You know what? We don't need viewers like you.

Maya Gallo: You know, nothing about that show makes sense. How do you lose an eye in a fire?
Jack Gallo: Thank you!

Dennis Finch: He's like a god to me.
Jack Gallo: You know, I'm sitting right here.

Jack Gallo: Nina, may I be honest?
Nina Van Horn: It's so hard to know ahead of time.


"Just Shoot Me!: King Lear Jet (#2.5)" (1997)
Jack Gallo: [looking at a photo] Uh-oh, nipple.
Dennis Finch: Really? Give it! I see, there's Waldo. Good eye, chief.
Elliot DiMauro: Let me see. Oh, yeah, turkey's done.
Maya Gallo: Hopefully, this concludes Mutual of Omaha's Nipple Safari.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, Maya. I forgot you were still here.
Maya Gallo: Well, it was my fault for wearing a shirt.

Jack Gallo: Does anyone else mind if I call Maya peanut?
Dennis Finch: You should hear what we call her.

Jack Gallo: [his electronic door is acting up] Dennis!
Dennis Finch: What?
Jack Gallo: I can't get the door to stop doing that thing! Is someone using the microwave?
Dennis Finch: Yeah. Baxter is making a baked potato.
Jack Gallo: Get in here and help me!
Dennis Finch: Are you wasted? I'm not going anywhere near that thing. It's like a John Carpenter movie.

Jack Gallo: [as the door is going haywire] Dennis, for the love of God! Stop the baked potatoes!

Maya Gallo: How could you give those tickets to Elliot and Nina?
Jack Gallo: They asked me for them.
Maya Gallo: But I'm the one who loves Shakespeare!
Jack Gallo: How was I supposed to know that?
Maya Gallo: It was my major in college. I named the family cat Othello.
Jack Gallo: So? You named your turtle Amelia Earhart. That didn't mean you wanted to be a pilot.
Maya Gallo: Actually, it did. I logged in over 400 hours.


"Just Shoot Me!: What the Teddy Bear Saw (#3.1)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, what's the name of that song I like?
Dennis Finch: Theme from Shaft.
Jack Gallo: That's it.

Nina Van Horn: I'm back.
Jack Gallo: Did you go somewhere?
Nina Van Horn: A self-actualization seminar called Me First.
Dennis Finch: Drama queen camp.
Jack Gallo: Oh.

Maya Gallo: Any other time I would, but I'm having my wisdom teeth pulled out.
Jack Gallo: Didn't you had them taken out in college? I remember sending you a big check.
Maya Gallo: Actually, I used that to cover a bad night at Vegas.
Jack Gallo: Wow. Tell me what happened.
Maya Gallo: Well, I was at the blackjack table and I split tens.
Jack Gallo: [disappointed] Oh, Maya.

Jack Gallo: What's going on?
[April screams and runs off]
Jack Gallo: Dennis?
Dennis Finch: What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. We live in a world where our privacy is taking a back seat to the ever watchful eye of Big Brother. Security cameras in our homes? What's next, bar codes on our heads? Shame on you, Jack Gallo. Shame on you and all the fascists chipping away at our personal freedoms.
Jack Gallo: You schtupped my nanny, didn't you?
Dennis Finch: Twice.

Jack Gallo: Nina, did you finish that golf fashion layout?
Nina Van Horn: Finished? I haven't even started.
Jack Gallo: Any reason why?
Nina Van Horn: Me and some of my Me First seminar buddies were out at the airport spreading the word.
Jack Gallo: The word? Nina, is this seminar by any chance a cult?
Nina Van Horn: Cult? Why is it that any belief system that strays from the norm is labeled a cult? That any leader that dares to speak a deeper truth is called a lunatic with a messiah complex, and his followers are just pawns.
Jack Gallo: I'm sorry. I guess I just jumped to conclusions.
Nina Van Horn: You should be. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to sever all ties with my family.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Odd Couple: Part 2 (#3.25)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: Adrienne and I are getting married.
Jack Gallo: Are you on the crack, boy?
Dennis Finch: I'm serious. I love her, she loves me, so we're getting married.
Elliot DiMauro: I think Jack asked you a question!

Jack Gallo: I believe a toast is in order. To the bride, to the groom, and to God's warped sense of humor. First the duck-billed platypus, now this. I'm kidding, of course. Drink up.

Jack Gallo: Enjoy it, son. There's nothing like the magic of marriage number one.
Maya Gallo: Aw, dad, that's the nicest thing you ever said about mom.
Jack Gallo: Good God, number one was your mother?

Jack Gallo: This calls for a celebration.
Nina Van Horn: hey, let's go downstairs and get bombed.
Jack Gallo: Nina, it's ten o'clock in the morning.
Nina Van Horn: I'm sorry, Jack.
Jack Gallo: Let's leave quietly or everyone else will wanna come.

Jack Gallo: I've forgotten how much fun having martinis in the daytime is. It just makes the whole afternoon fly by.
Dennis Finch: It's 11:30.
Jack Gallo: Well, this blows.


"Just Shoot Me!: Jack Gets Tough (#4.10)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: You boob, you assured me Conrad was dead!
Dennis Finch: He has to be, why else would they cancel Jake and the Fatman?
Jack Gallo: That's *William* Conrad! Next time get it right.
Dennis Finch: [to himself] Next time write your own book.
Jack Gallo: What'd you say?
Dennis Finch: I was apologizing.

Jack Gallo: If Robert Conrad finds out, he could sue me for millions, and do you know what they'd call me if this got out?
Dennis Finch: Jack ass? A liar? A fraud? There's no right answer.

Robert Conrad: Don't worry, I'll be back.
Jack Gallo: You wanna pick a date?
Robert Conrad: Sure.
[they pull out their agendas]
Jack Gallo: How about Thursday?
Robert Conrad: No good. I'm picking apples upstate. How about the third?
Jack Gallo: No, I'm seeing my urologist.
Robert Conrad: Who do you go to?
Jack Gallo: Friedman, up on 54th.
Robert Conrad: Is he good?
Jack Gallo: Great. Light touch.

Jack Gallo: It's just a humble autobiography about an extraordinary man.
Dennis Finch: Translated from the gibberish by his assistant.

Maya Gallo: I'm proud of you.
Jack Gallo: Thank you, Maya. That's great coming from someone who's not just trying to kiss my ass.
Nina Van Horn: Jack, it's better than the Bible! I'm almost at page seven, and I'm riveted.


"Just Shoot Me!: Finch Gets Dick (#4.4)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: So what did the judge give you?
Nina Van Horn: Fifty hours of community service, but the joke's on them. Most of the garbage on the highway is mine anyway.

Dennis Finch: I need your advice. There's this guy Kyle.
Jack Gallo: I get it. Kyle is you.
Dennis Finch: No, Kyle's this other guy, and he's trying to sleep with Adrienne.
Jack Gallo: I see, and Kyle is having trouble in the sack.
Dennis Finch: I'm not Kyle!

Maya Gallo: I volunteer at a retirement home. You can serve your time there.
Nina Van Horn: I don't know. I feel uneasy around the elderly. But not you, Jack. I feel just great around you.
Jack Gallo: I didn't hear that.
Nina Van Horn: We need to get him a hearing aid.

Jack Gallo: You're jealous because you're insecure.
Dennis Finch: I am, and I shouldn't be.
Jack Gallo: Yes, you should. You never let her see the real you. For Gosh's sake, you have her thinking you were a marksman in the Gulf War.
Dennis Finch: Tank commander, but I see your point.
Jack Gallo: If you want your marriage to work, you have to be honest with her.
Dennis Finch: There has to be another way.
Jack Gallo: Honesty, Dennis. It's the key to a healthy marriage.
Elliot DiMauro: Jack, Ally wants to know if you can join her for lunch.
Jack Gallo: Tell her I'm at the dentist.
Jack Gallo: [to Dennis] It's a little game we play.

Jack Gallo: I got the perfect present for you. I don't want to give it away, but do you own a canoe?
Dennis Finch: No, thanks.
Jack Gallo: You're in danger of getting a gift certificate.


"Just Shoot Me!: A Spy in the House of Me (#3.12)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: [admiring his new engraved Louisville Slugger bat] Check it out, right there: Jack Gallo. Every great ballplayer has had his name engraved on a Louisville Slugger.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, I know. My niece Tiffany got one.

Jack Gallo: Just be careful. Don't get all goofy.
Maya Gallo: I won't, I'm not a teenager anymore. Duh!

Jack Gallo: We must keep our eye on the ball. Cosmo may be on a winning streak, but the game's not over until the bottom of the ninth.
Maya Gallo: Dad, could you pleasetake it easy on the baseball metaphors?
Jack Gallo: Sure thing. Nina, you're up to plate.

Jack Gallo: Why can't she see through that guy?
Elliot DiMauro: It's the hair, it's always the hair.

Maya Gallo: Don't play dumb with me!
Jack Gallo: I'm not playing. I'm legitimately dumb.


"Just Shoot Me!: Jack's Old Partner (#2.20)" (1998)
Herb: Tell me, Jack. What gets you up in the morning?
Jack Gallo: I'm sixty years old. What do you think?

Jack Gallo: Nice to see you don't hold a grudge.
Herb: You know me.
Jack Gallo: You know, I have a baby daughter now.
Herb: You do? Why you old dog.
Jack Gallo: Yes, and she'd just love one of your beautiful toys. I think I'll buy here this choo-choo here.
Herb: Excelent. Top-notch choice.
Jack Gallo: How much do I owe you?
Herb: Okay... one choo-choo train, that'll be twelve million dollars.
Jack Gallo: Excuse me?
Herb: Twelve million dollars, you back-stabbing son of a bitch!

Herb: I know what you're trying to do.
Jack Gallo: No, you don't. No one ever does.

Jack Gallo: [introducing Herb to the staff] ... our assistant Dennis Finch...
Dennis Finch: Our assistant?
Jack Gallo: That's right. Treat Herb the same way you'd treat me.
Dennis Finch: Gotcha. No, sir, those pants don't make your butt look big.

Jack Gallo: Oh, man, he's going to kill me.
Maya Gallo: Don't worry. He wouldn't be able to choose a weapon.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Withholder (#3.6)" (1998)
Nina: What brought this on?
Jack: It's about dignity. It's about self respect. It's about the battle between good and evil.
Nina: Ah, you made another silly bet with Donald Trump, didn't you?
Jack: There's nothing silly about it. Whoever loses the most weight by Friday wins, and the other one has to play golf with a flounder down his pants.
Nina: How did you arrive at that?
Jack: I said salmon, he said monkfish. The lawyers took it from there.

Jack: I gained nine pounds? What the hell have you done to me?
Nina: Me? Obviously you cheated.
Jack: That's impossible! I've been starving myself all week on that stupid diet of yours.
Nina: And you're following it exactly?
Jack: To the letter!
Nina: Well, what did you have for dinner last night? The pasta or the chicken or the tuna?
Jack: Or?

Jack: Nina, my office, now.
Nina: You don't understand, Jack. You have the only couch that folds out.
Jack: What about my couch?
Nina: All joking aside, what can I do for you?

Jack: I need to lose a few pounds fast.
Nina: Then I have a sure-fire way of losing weight.
Dennis: Let me guess. Sweating under the oldies?
Nina: Shouldn't you be at the North Pole making toys?

Nina: Every time you make a bet with Trump, you end up losing.
Jack: This time it's gonna be different.
Nina: Last time you said that, you ended up at a tattoo parlor with your pants down.
Jack: Egomaniac has to have his name on everything.


"Just Shoot Me!: Old Boyfriends (#2.3)" (1997)
Tom Youngerman: Did you ever play Pebble Beach?
Jack Gallo: Just the first eight holes, then I sliced a shot and threw my bag into the Pacific.
Tom Youngerman: Didn't see my putter there, by any chance?

Dennis Finch: Let's try a little word association. Here goes. Boring.
Jack Gallo: Mundane.
Dennis Finch: Endless.
Jack Gallo: Eternal.
Dennis Finch: Outside-of-job responsibilities.
Jack Gallo: Fired.

Jack Gallo: Ally has her hand caught in the VCR. Also, Hannah is crying.
Maya Gallo: Of course. You'd cry too if you realized you're smarter than your mother.

Jack Gallo: What did you find out?
Dennis Finch: Well, I found out that you can rent out a Malaysian hooker for $60 an hour. $50 if you make her laugh.
Jack Gallo: No, about Maya's boyfriend.
Dennis Finch: Oh, that's why I logged on.

Elliot DiMauro: You're thirty, he's sixty. Think about it. When you're forty, he'll be seventy. When you're fifty...
Jack Gallo: I know, he'll be eigthy.
Elliot DiMauro: No, he'll dump you for someone who's thirty.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Bad Grandma (#6.21)" (2002)
Nina Van Horn: Jack, I love this country as much as anyone. We have the best nightclubs in the world, and our drug laws are very liberal towards white people. But you can't put up that big flag over the building.
Jack Gallo: The flag is going nowhere.
Nina Van Horn: I don't care what Maya says, it's making the building look obese. People are talking.

Nina Van Horn: Jack, the room is blue.
Jack Gallo: I know that, Nina.
Nina Van Horn: Someone has stolen all the red, orange, green, indigo and violet light out of the room.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, what's that movie I like?
Dennis Finch: Private Benjamin.
Jack Gallo: Ha ha! Funny movie. Go buy me a sweater vest.

Jack Gallo: I'll stop smoking. I'll chew tobacco. Give the lungs a break, let the gums earn their keep.


"Just Shoot Me!: Blush Gets Some Therapy (#6.19)" (2002)
Nina Van Horn: How about this? Your feet will float on the street...
Maya Gallo: You've pitched that same thing to Calvin Klein.
Nina Van Horn: At least I'm plugging away, which is more than can be said of those hedgerows you call eyebrows.
Jack Gallo: That's enough.
Maya Gallo: Well, at least I'm not thin and tall. Wait a minute...
Dennis Finch: Call her a drunken skeleton. It's a classic for a reason.
Nina Van Horn: Shut up, you little pygmy.
Dennis Finch: Pygmies are great warriors, so thanks for the compliment, complimenter.

Jack Gallo: Well, I'm off.
Elliot DiMauro: You're not sticking around?
Jack Gallo: Of course not. I'm not the one with the problem. And even if I was, who cares? I'm the boss.

Jack Gallo: Wait a minute. Are you two on that rave drug?
Nina Van Horn: Not today, Jack.

Jack Gallo: You four are always at each other's throats! The snide comments, the yelling, the back biting... This place is turning into the Vatican!
Elliot DiMauro: What?
Jack Gallo: They can't fool me. I know what goes on in there.


"Just Shoot Me!: Steamed (#3.2)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: He publishes some anti-corporate newsletter. What's it called? The Fink? The Snitch? The Rat?
Maya Gallo: The Whistle Blower!
Jack Gallo: That's it. Imagine taking up that kind of valuable office space just to reach a few whiny malcontents.
Maya Gallo: I subscribe.
Dennis Finch: Subscribe? You're Miss December.

Maya Gallo: I'm not some spineless lackey who jumps at your every whim.
Jack Gallo: Maya, apologize to Dennis.

Maya Gallo: You should read The Whistleblower. It's really good.
Jack Gallo: Good? It's not good, it's a bunch of hooey about how big companies exploit workers and waste natural resources.
Dennis Finch: Jack, your driver wants to know if he can stop circling the block.
Jack Gallo: No, I want nice cold air on the way to lunch.

Maya Gallo: Me? Why me?
Jack Gallo: Because you've got that certain... you know...
Dennis Finch: Hooters, heaters, mambos...


"Just Shoot Me!: Slamming Jack (#5.8)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: You found these in his drawer?
Jarod: Yes sir. Along with maps for a country called Finchatania. Apparently, everyone travels by water slide.
Jack Gallo: Of course they do.

Jack Gallo: No, I didn't want capers on my lox.
Dennis Finch: Didn't want capers, did ya? You hear that, gang? Guy doesn't like capers! Well guess what? I just got a new caper scraper, and it's coming in handy the first day!
[scrapes bagel on shoe]
Dennis Finch: There you go! Go ahead, you selfish, bloated son of a bitch! Eat up!

Jack Gallo: [on phone] Dennis, it's me, Jack. I want you to do something for me.
Dennis Finch: Sure thing. Jack, do not make that midnight fridge run. Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. Pudding is not your friend. Pudding is...
Jack Gallo: No. My clock broke and I need you to wake me up at 5:00 AM so I can go fishing.
Dennis Finch: Why don't you call one of those wake-up call services?
Jack Gallo: I just did.

Stan: What happened, Jack? You and I used to be friends too. How did we drift appart? I mean, does wither of us even remember?
Jack Gallo: My birthday. The Russian Tea Room. You sat down naked on my cake.
Stan: I thought you were finished.


"Just Shoot Me!: Nina and the Rocker (#7.3)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, what's that body part that sounds dirty but is not?
Dennis Finch: Uvula.
Jack Gallo: Thank you.

Jack Gallo: Rock stars are pathetic. They are always surrounded by fawning groupies and yes men who tell them what they want to hear. Am I right, Dennis?
Dennis Finch: Of course, Chief. You've done it again.

Jack Gallo: Everyone's so excited about this Simon Leeds. What's so great about him?
Dennis Finch: The chunky girl from PR threw her panties at him.
Jack Gallo: There was a time chunky girls from PR used to throw their panties at me.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, but they were called bloomers, and the Wright Brothers owned a bike shop.

Jack Gallo: The point is, I have let my image slip. I need something to spruce it up.
Dennis Finch: How about a monocle? Like Colonel Klink.
Jack Gallo: He was a Nazi!
Dennis Finch: Not just any Nazi. America's favorite Nazi.


"Just Shoot Me!: Future Issues (#7.22)" (2003)
Jack Gallo: Well, Dennis, that was the last time I went to the bathroom as the boss.
Dennis Finch: Ooh, I'll call the Smithsonian.
Jack Gallo: Sarcasm I won't miss so much.

Jack Gallo: If I wanted a surprise party, I would have told Dennis to throw me one.

Dennis Finch: Jack, what can I say? You the man, so I decided to lay down some mad rhymes.
Maya Gallo: Aw, you wrote him a poem. That's so sweet.
Dennis Finch: It's not a poem, it's a hard-core, def-jam gangsta rap. I haven't had time to lay down the beats, so you'll have imagine the chains and the bling-bling and the Escalade. Here goes: There's a guy named Jack Gallo / Is he shallow? No / He just gots to go / Now he's flying solo... again, you have to imagine the boom-boom and the bitches and the rest. All the while / he made me smile like Gomer Pyle / I look up to him like Fay Wray looked up to King Kong / Like the Chinese to ping-pong / Slap it on da bing-bong.
Jack Gallo: Thank you, Dennis. I'm sure that meant a lot.

Nina Van Horn: But what about the party?
Jack Gallo: There isn't going to be a party.
Nina Van Horn: Tell that to the brownie I ate five minutes ago.


"Just Shoot Me!: Twice Burned (#2.7)" (1997)
Maya Gallo: There are plenty of good schools.
Jack Gallo: I don't want a good school for Hannah. I want the best school, and I can make this happen. I am the Can Do King.
Maya Gallo: Says who?
Jack Gallo: This mug.
[lifts mug that says "Can Do King"]
Maya Gallo: Well, I can't argue with you there, even if I am the World's Greatest Golfer.
[drinks from mug that says "World's Greatest Golfer"]

Jack Gallo: I must have some connections. Woodbridge. Woodbridge. Who do I know went to Woodbridge?
Maya Gallo: Uh, me? I went to Woodbridge.
Jack Gallo: That can't be right, I would have remembered. There would have been plays and recitals... oh.
Dennis Finch: Those of you on the left side of the tram may want to take out your cameras for this awkward family moment.

Jack Gallo: I'm entering everyone's birthdays into my computer. Maya, when's yours?
Maya Gallo: You're kidding, right?
Jack Gallo: It's just that you have one of those birthdays that's hard to remember.
Maya Gallo: January first?

Jack Gallo: I need you to come to Woodbridge with me, to tell them what a great father I am.
Maya Gallo: Oh, you want me to lie.
Jack Gallo: Not lie, just have some fun with the truth.
Maya Gallo: I can have fun with the truth. I used to be good at having fun with the truth. Like when you didn't come to my sweet sixteen party, I told my friends that you were donating a kidney.
Jack Gallo: I'm a giver.
Maya Gallo: And when you weren't there when I had the lead role in Oklahoma, I told them you were in an avalanche.
Jack Gallo: My worst nightmare.
Maya Gallo: And when you weren't at my high school graduation, I told everyone you were hunting Nazis in Argentina.
Jack Gallo: I hate Nazis. Always have.
Maya Gallo: And then there was the time I realized everyone knew I was lying, and that's when having fun with the truth stopped being fun.
Jack Gallo: Please, don't do it for me. Do it for Hannah.
[speaks in high-pitched voice while holding picture of Hannah]
Jack Gallo: Pwease, big sister. I wanna go to the good school.
Maya Gallo: Fine, I'll do it. But that is the most annoying voice I have ever heard.
[opens door, the screeching sound of Cholera Joe Hopper singing is playing outside]


"Just Shoot Me!: College or Collagen (#2.16)" (1998)
Karey Burke: Mr. Gallo, Maya's told me all about you.
Jack Gallo: And?
Karey Burke: And if she can forgive you, so can I.

Jack Gallo: You play bridge?
Dennis Finch: I worked a summer at a retirement home. Why do you think my apartment is covered in afgans?

Jack Gallo: It's not just a game, it's a twenty-year grudge match. The Gallos versus the Gordons. Our wives may change, but the battle rages on.

Jack Gallo: Dammit! You've got me thinking with my deck!


"Just Shoot Me!: Halloween? Halloween! (#7.4)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Have you no shame, coming in as Gandhi and stuffing yourself with buffalo wings? Why didn't you come as FDR and go around with crazy legs?

Jack Gallo: Nice leotard.
Dennis Finch: It's a medieval hunting outfit. Nice muu-muu.
Jack Gallo: It's a magical shroud of mischief.
Dennis Finch: Rented?
Jack Gallo: Bought.
Dennis Finch: Rich bastard.
Jack Gallo: What?
Dennis Finch: Nothing.

Jack Gallo: This is better than that time he tried to do a push-up.
Nina Van Horn: Or that time you caught him sleeping with your wife.
Jack Gallo: That was not funny.

Jack Gallo: Nina, I want you to be completely honest with me.
Nina Van Horn: All right. Your magic tricks are annoying and I ran over an old lady with your car.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Write Stuff (#7.7)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Our next issue is one article short. I need new ideas.
Dennis Finch: How about a feature on America's most voluptuous prisoners? Felons with melons.
Jack Gallo: Dennis, for the eightieth time, stop pitching that.

Jack Gallo: It's just that when you model, you can be... how can I put it delicately?
Dennis Finch: A pain in the ass?
Jack Gallo: Dennis, please!
Dennis Finch: A huge pain in the ass?
Jack Gallo: That's it.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, who's the fourth Monkee?
Dennis Finch: Peter Tork.
Jack Gallo: Thanks. That kept me up all night.

Jack Gallo: You know, Dennis, you're a lot smarter than I give you credit for.
Dennis Finch: Thanks. I have an idea for the December issue. Santa's bustiest helpers. Elves with shelves.
Jack Gallo: I'll think about it.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Last Temptation of Elliot (#7.20)" (2003)
Jack Gallo: I can't stand interns. They're always fawning over you. I hate fawning.
Dennis Finch: Hey, Jack, your oatmeal is still hot. Do I blow on it or put it over my head and run around the office?
Jack Gallo: What do you think?
[Dennis holds oatmeal over head and runs around]

Jack Gallo: I happen to think I have a cutting edge sense of style. After all, I am the publisher of a major fashion magazine.
Nina Van Horn: Blush? Ha! No offense, Jack, but this magazine's sense of style is outdated and behind the times.
Jack Gallo: You're the fashion editor.
Nina Van Horn: And whose fault what that?

Maya Gallo: Why are you shouting?
Jack Gallo: Stay out of this, Edna.
Maya Gallo: Edna?
Jack Gallo: If it was good enough for your grandmother, it's good enough for you.

Jack Gallo: Glad to see you, Simon. You mind if I call you Bud?
Simon Leeds: Not as long as I can call you Jacko.
Jack Gallo: I don't have to call you Bud.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Kiss (#2.18)" (1998)
Dennis Finch: So this was a test? You put Nina up to it?
Jack Gallo: What choice did I have?
Dennis Finch: Not putting her up to it?

Jack Gallo: I want that guy out of my parking space before you can say, "Hi, I'm Dennis. Welcome to Wal-Mart. Clock radios, Aisle 5, right next to the fishing poles."

Nina Van Horn: Tonight Binnie and I are going out, but we will spend the entire evening avoiding alcohol and men.
Dennis Finch: That's great. Okay, I'll start the pool. Ten bucks a square. I say Nina is legally drunk and dancing with Euro-trash by 8:30.
Elliot DiMauro: Put me down for 7:15.
Jack Gallo: Moving on... 9:20.
Maya Gallo: Come on, you guys. Give Nina a little credit. 10:45.

Jack Gallo: My parking space is my territory. If you don't defend your territory, your wife's yoga instructor is straddling her like a down comforter.


"Just Shoot Me!: The First Thanksgiving (#5.7)" (2000)
Colleen: You have a nice house here, Mr. Gallo. I bet there's a lot of history in here.
Jack Gallo: Actually, George Washington planned the battle of Yorktown in a little cabin out back.
Colleen: I'd love to see it.
Jack Gallo: Well, I tore it down to make room for my tennis table. Sure wish I still played.

Rhoda DiMauro: Here, I brought you a present.
Jack Gallo: [takes figure out of bag] Hey, I love these things. We have them at the club. What kind of booze is in here?
[tears head off]
Rhoda DiMauro: It's a statue of Saint Francis!
Jack Gallo: So there's no liquor in it? No liquor at al?

Nina Van Horn: I need to show him that I am still young and hip.
Jack Gallo: Nina, time for staff meeting.
Nina Van Horn: Hey! Get back, old man! You don't get me or my generation!

Jack Gallo: Hey, look at these shoes Colleen is wearing.
Nina Van Horn: Very nice. Next time don't forget the little red nose. Honk honk!
Jack Gallo: I love them.
Nina Van Horn: Not as much as I do, Jack.


"Just Shoot Me!: Nina's Choice (#3.23)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, could you get me some water?
Dennis Finch: Why? Someone have a bet on how many tugs it takes me to open the refrigerator door?

Jack Gallo: Dennis, are the new bagels in yet?
Dennis Finch: In the kitchen.
Jack Gallo: May I have one?
Dennis Finch: I don't see why not.
Jack Gallo: Is there anything I can do for you while I'm up?
Dennis Finch: You could lose the attitude.

Elliot DiMauro: You're betting on me now? I thought we were betting on him.
Dennis Finch: I go where the action takes me, dude.
Jack Gallo: Ha! There it is! Pay up.
Elliot DiMauro: Damn it.
Dennis Finch: What is this?
Elliot DiMauro: I bet Jack you wouldn't say "dude" in the next fifteen minutes.
Jack Gallo: But you came through like the predictable little monkey you are, "dude".
Dennis Finch: I only say it because I can't remember your names.

Jack Gallo: My nose itches.
Elliot DiMauro: So scratch it.
Jack Gallo: You'd like that, wouldn't you?


"Just Shoot Me!: An Axe to Grind (#4.7)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Promoting my autobiography is top priority.
Dennis Finch: What about finishing your autobiography?
Jack Gallo: Shouldn't I be asking you that question?
Dennis Finch: Come on. It's hard to construct a timeline that makes you under fifty.

Jack Gallo: Larry King is an ass!
Nina Van Horn: And a lousy kisser.
Elliot DiMauro: What happened?
Jack Gallo: He bumped me off his show to talk with Alan Greenspan. Who wants to listen to Alan Greenspan? He's a bore!
Nina Van Horn: And a lousy kisser.

Nina Van Horn: Dennis could snap at any moment.
Jack Gallo: Nonsense. Dennis is a rock. Besides, Adrienne might see this on TV and reunite with Dennis.
Nina Van Horn: You really believe that?
Jack Gallo: Sure. Ten years ago, I didn't believe in the internet, and yet I am downloading a chili recipe as we speak.

Jack Gallo: There's gotta be a way. Come on, Jack, think.
Nina Van Horn: Should I think too?
Jack Gallo: If you wish.


"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Sees Red: Part 2 (#3.15)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: The Kid is not about "cute"! The Kid is about bullfights and bar fights and old fishermen and young whores!

Jack Gallo: Do you think Spider Man eats bugs?

Maya Gallo: What are you bidding on?
Jack Gallo: I don't know. An elephant tusk, a stuffed marlin...
Maya Gallo: Something dead to spruce up the living room?
Jack Gallo: Exactly.

Jack Gallo: Elliot, come on in.
Elliot DiMauro: If you don't mind, I prefer to stand here, where I'm two steps away from the first aid kit.


"Just Shoot Me!: Tea & Secrecy (#4.15)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: You know my rule on office gossip. Everything goes through me first.

Dennis Finch: Jack, your wife is on the phone. She forgot the security code for the appartment.
Jack Gallo: What is so tricky about the number five?

Jack Gallo: You mean I've been losing every time? That's doesn't seem fair.
Dennis Finch: If it's any consolation, you're a multi-millionaire with eight cars and a child bride.
Jack Gallo: I guess.

Maya Gallo: How could you do this to me?
Jack Gallo: Do what?
Maya Gallo: Be so damn understanding!
Jack Gallo: Excuse me?
Maya Gallo: I mean, Elliot is obviously wrong for me!
Elliot DiMauro: Excuse me?
Maya Gallo: He's a compulsive womanizer! Finch, how many women has he slept with?
Dennis Finch: Hundred?
Elliot DiMauro: Finch!
Dennis Finch: Thousand?
Maya Gallo: You see? While you're all discussing your little magazine, I have become one-thousand-and-one!


"Just Shoot Me!: Elliott the Geek (#2.10)" (1998)
Jack: Dennis, I see this magazine as my castle, and you are, for lack of a better word, my gargoyle.

Jack: People don't respect me because I'm the boss. It's getting respect that's made me the boss.
Dennis: Ah, I see.
[moves away a bottle of scotch]
Dennis: No more for you.

[Elliot has a zit on his nose]
Maya: Whoa, Krakatoa!
Elliot: It's just a little blemish.
Jack: It's like an escape hatch for your brain.
Nina: [just coming in] So sorry about your pimple, Elliot.
Elliot: How did you know?
Nina: I saw it as you got out of the cab. I mean, we're only nineteen floors up.

Jack: Maya, what's more important to a bird? That it has wings or that it has the confidence to fly?
Maya: Uh... Wings?
Jack: Wrong. Witness the penguin, a flightless bird. Do you know why penguins can't fly?
Maya: Because its wings can't support its body mass?
Jack: Maya, there was a time when penguins filled the sky, until the day their confidence was shattered, and they never flew again.
Maya: Ah, I see.
[takes away scotch bottle]
Maya: No more for you.


"Just Shoot Me!: Finch on Ice (#4.22)" (2000)
Dennis Finch: Of course, I had a secret that no one could have ever guessed.
Jack Gallo: You were in love with her.
Dennis Finch: I was in love with her.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, what are you doing?
[sees him staring at a blond woman bent over]
Jack Gallo: Ah, I see you also appreciate a nice backyard.
Dennis Finch: Jack, don't...
Jack Gallo: Just because I'm married, doesn't mean I can't apreciate the view.
Dennis Finch: You're the boss.
Jack Gallo: Oh, yes. Come to daddy.
[the woman turns around; it's Maya]
Maya Gallo: Oh, morning, dad.
Dennis Finch: Want me to drive you uptown so you can hit on you mom?

Dennis Finch: She's here. What do I do?
Jack Gallo: Listen to your head, but don't be afraid to follow your heart.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, right. Guy doesn't even recognize his own daughter.

Jack Gallo: So, how is your friend enjoying my new flat-screen TV?
Nicole: Actually, my father just bought...
Jack Gallo: Well, this one's better.


"Just Shoot Me!: Donnie Returns (#5.4)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: Hey, Jack. Look who's here.
Jack Gallo: Hey, Donnie. Who has a pretty suit? Donnie does!
Maya Gallo: Dad, he's not really slow. Remember?
Jack Gallo: What? A guy can't complement another guy in a childlike voice?
[to another worker]
Jack Gallo: You there! Who's got a shiny tie clasp? You do!

Jack Gallo: Oh, Kevin, how are things down at the mail room?
Kevin Liotta: Okay. How are things down at the rich, old bastards club?
Jack Gallo: What?
Kevin Liotta: Finch, I said it, but he didn't laugh.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, who's the one I always forget?
Dennis Finch: Sneezy.
Jack Gallo: Yes!

Jack Gallo: May I have everyone's attention? I have a very sad announcement. Blush Magazine's very first employee, Russell Henderson, died last night in his sleep at the age of 83. Russ was a good bookkeeper, and a dear friend to all who knew him. So in his honor, please join me in a moment of silence.
[everyone stands silent; Kevin walks in]
Kevin Liotta: [after an uncomfortable pause] We were stranded in the snow! Our radio was broken! For the love of God, we had to eat something!
Jack Gallo: Okay, silence over.


"Just Shoot Me!: How the Finch Stole Christmas (#3.10)" (1998)
Elliot DiMauro: Christmas is so depressing. It's gotten too comercial, it's lost all its spiritual meaning.
Dennis Finch: No it hasn't. That is such a cliché.
Jack Gallo: Check this out! Lollipops in the shape of Jesus.

Jack Gallo: How about you, Nina? You like bouncing young men on your lap.
Nina Van Horn: No, I couldn't.
Jack Gallo: Are you sure?
Nina Van Horn: I'm quite certain. The judge was most explicit on that point.

Dennis Finch: I'll do it, because a gift is its own reward. Although since it's Christmas, a better reward would be a new set of wheels. Prefably a moped, with a sidecar for the honeys.
Jack Gallo: Dennis, you're not getting a moped.
Dennis Finch: Moped, motorscooter, whatever.

Jack Gallo: Guess what I have in here?
Dennis Finch: A human head?
Jack Gallo: Better. Hannah's new puppy. Isn't he adorable? I'd love to cuddle you and hold youand hug you forever... Okay, gotta run.


"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Sees Red: Part 1 (#3.14)" (1999)
Elliot DiMauro: Jack, what are two words that sell magazines?
Jack Gallo: Multiple orgasms.

Maya Gallo: That's fried chicken. What are you doing?
Jack Gallo: I've decided to take my new cholesterol medicine for a spin.
Maya Gallo: But I thought your doctor to stay away from fatty food.
Jack Gallo: My doctor says one thing, my butcher says another. Who are you going to believe?

Jack Gallo: Nina. What's that crazy, mixed-up broad up to now?
Red Finch: We're dating.
Jack Gallo: Good for you. She's the best.

Elliot DiMauro: For God's sake, put that stun gun away before you kill someone.
Jack Gallo: What makes you think I haven't already?


"Just Shoot Me!: Pass the Salt (#2.13)" (1998)
Nina Van Horn: Jack, look at this old photo of us I found in some old boxes. Look at how ridiculous we look. That hair, that blouse, and for God's sake, that hemline... can you believe people used to dress like that back then?
Jack Gallo: Nina, this was last month.
Nina Van Horn: Such innocence. Do you think there will ever come a day when I look back at what I'm wearing today and laugh?
Jack Gallo: Yeah, Thursday.

Maya Gallo: Dad, you're being a snob.
Jack Gallo: A snob? Maya, your great-grandfather used to wake up at the crack of dawn to deliver milk around this city in a horse-drawn wagon.
Maya Gallo: Your grandfather was a milkman?
Jack Gallo: No, he was clinically insane... exactly the kind of person I want to protect you from.

Jack Gallo: How about a drink?
Red Finch: Scotch, Jack?
Jack Gallo: Johnny Walker, Red?


"Just Shoot Me!: When Nina Met Elliott (#4.2)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Does anyone have any new ideas? Come on, dazzle me.
Dennis Finch: How about this? Put Adrienne and me on the cover and write a story about our marriage.
Jack Gallo: Dennis, I like that idea. Here's what'll make me love it. We keep Adrienne, lose you and the romance angle. Okay, that's one for me.

Bob Whiteman: And who are you?
Jack Gallo: Jack Gallo, and these two aren't saying another word until I get a lawyer down here.
Bob Whiteman: Gallo. Your name is mentioned a lot on their wedding announcement.
Jack Gallo: That's right.
Bob Whiteman: You're an extremely wealthy man.
Jack Gallo: Thank you. You're very kind.
Bob Whiteman: I'm guessing you have a staff of, say, three?
Jack Gallo: Four, and a driver.
Bob Whiteman: And I assume all their papers are in order?
Jack Gallo: Why you arrogant little pissant. Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Do you know what I can do to you with one phone call? Mark my words, I will be back.
[Leaves]
Adrienne Barker: How long do you think he'll be?
Dennis Finch: He's not coming back.

Jack Gallo: Look no further, I have just the story for you. As usual, my name will be changed to Jeffrey.
Maya Gallo: Got it.
Jack Gallo: I first met her in Shanghai. She was beautiful. Jet black hair. Velvet skin. Toes like peanuts.
Elliot DiMauro: So what happened?
Jack Gallo: I sleep with her one night, and she went off with another man. "Love you long time." There's a lie.


"Just Shoot Me!: Maya Stops Thinking (#5.21)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: We have three pages to fill for next month. Suggestions.
Nina Van Horn: How about something really sexy?
Jack Gallo: Yes?
Nina Van Horn: Well, I shouldn't have to do all the work.

Maya Gallo: What about that woman from Vogue?
Jack Gallo: She wore a monocle. I can't have that here.

Jack Gallo: You slept with Chris, didn't you?
Maya Gallo: Yes.
Jack Gallo: That's all right. I slept with the girl with the monocle.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Emperor (#2.22)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: Maya, in five minutes you have undone years of Nina's evasiveness, half truths and sucking up.
Nina Van Horn: Thank you, Jack.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, find a restaurant where it's impossible to get reservations, and then get reservations.

[Jack is getting a new chair]
Jack Gallo: Can I get a compartment on the side?
Meredith Baker: You mean like for a calculator.
Jack Gallo: Calculator, bag of marshmallows, whatever.


"Just Shoot Me!: Donnie Redeemed (#7.17)" (2003)
Jack Gallo: Nina, will you put that down? I spent all day buffing my putter.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, and cleaning that club.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, how much have I lost?
Dennis Finch: In terms of what? Credibility? Dignity? Respect?
Jack Gallo: I'm talking about money.
Dennis Finch: Lost a lot of that, too.

Maya Gallo: You know, your life is empty.
Dennis Finch: At least he remembers my birthday.
Maya Gallo: You bastard!
Jack Gallo: Hey, Princess.
Maya Gallo: Too little too late! I wanted a pony!


"Just Shoot Me!: A Beautiful Mind (#6.16)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Kevin is one of God's creatures. God's creatures do not eat garbage.
Kevin Liotta: Raccoons eat garbage.
Jack Gallo: Kevin, please! You have garbage breath.

Jack Gallo: Society is turning into a cesspool, and you're deep-sea diving.

Dennis Finch: I know what this is about. You want to watch Kevin eat garbage.
Jack Gallo: No, I don't.
Dennis Finch: The circus is in town, and Big Daddy wants to peek under the tent.
Jack Gallo: I don't know what you're talking about.
Dennis Finch: You needs it, you wants it, and you gotsa, gotsa haves it!


"Just Shoot Me!: Just Shoot Me (#1.0)" (1997)
Jack Gallo: Maya!
Maya Gallo: Surprise.
Jack Gallo: Yeah, it sure is. Come on in. Don't you have a birthday coming up?
Maya Gallo: Yeah, in about eleven-and-a-half months.
Jack Gallo: Good - I was afraid I missed it.

Jack Gallo: When are you going to accept the fact that Allie and I are very much in love?
Maya Gallo: "Very much in love"? Is there a special room where the models go to throw up?
Jack Gallo: Here we go! It's my wedding all over again.
Maya Gallo: What?
Jack Gallo: Don't play innocent - you were heckling our wedding vows.
Maya Gallo: You let the woman quote *The Lion King!*

Maya Gallo: So, have you two picked out a name?
Jack Gallo: We're in negotiations. I want "Hannah," after your grandmother, and Allie wants "Morgan."
Maya Gallo: "Morgan" was our high school quarterback. Allie lost her virginity to him.
Jack Gallo: "Hannah" it is.


"Just Shoot Me!: Hostess to Murder (#3.16)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: I'll let you know that once I stared directly into the steely eyes of a white tiger.
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah, in Vegas, in Siegfried and Roy.
Jack Gallo: Hey, working with those two guys, those cats can get pretty bitchy.

Larry: Okay, where's the safari hunter?
Jack Gallo, Elliot DiMauro: I am.
Larry: We can't have two safari hunters.
Elliot DiMauro: Fine. You're the safari hunter. I'll be the guy at the Armani party.

Maya Gallo: This is not part of the dinner!
Jack Gallo: No. Tonight, murder was the appetizer. That's not on the cards, I just made that up.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Comedy Stylings of Rivers & Red (#7.11)" (2003)
Jack Gallo: Don't worry. I'll do with him like I do with all my employees. I'll crush his spirit until they are incapable of independent thought.
Dennis Finch: You don't do that with us.
Jack Gallo: Yes, I do.
Dennis Finch: You're right.
Jack Gallo: Now, get me a chocolate phone.
Dennis Finch: That's crazy!
Jack Gallo: No, it's not.
Dennis Finch: Yes.

Red Finch: Come on, the early bird gets the worm.
Jack Gallo: I'm Jack Gallo! I already got the worm!

[Dennis tells Jack about his dad "dating" a mannequin]
Jack Gallo: So, this mannequin. Was she hot?
Dennis Finch: Pretty hot.
Jack Gallo: Was she classy or trashy?
Dennis Finch: Bloomingdale's front window.
Jack Gallo: Nice!


"Just Shoot Me!: Dial 'N' for Murder (#4.13)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: Good God! Men chasing fatties, Dennis dating the elderly... Has my life's work been for nothing?

Jack Gallo: My point is, if he wants a fat woman, why doesn't he just go out and get one? The town is full of them, and it's not like they're fleet of foot.
Maya Gallo: Maybe you're right.
[she sits down, a plink is heard]
Jack Gallo: What was that?
Maya Gallo: The button on my pants.
Jack Gallo: Holy God! It's embedded in the wood!

Jack Gallo: Don't get me wrong, there are people who are into all sort of weird things. Men who worship feet, women who enjoy a good spanking, the powerful executive who occasionally likes to camp it up as Carol Channing.
Maya Gallo: That last one is a little weird.
Jack Gallo: Maybe so, but that's no reason to hassle you on the parking lot.


"Just Shoot Me!: When Nina Met Her Parents (#4.21)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: Jack, would you consider yourself a fan of nature?
Jack Gallo: Of course. As a boy I took a lot of hikes.
Elliot DiMauro: Good. And on these hikes, did you ever run across something in nature that just didn't fit?
Jack Gallo: Yes. I once saw an owl, and I swear to God it smiled at me.
Elliot DiMauro: Sure, but I mean something like... oh, I don't know... a really skinny tree with branches that are way too big for it's trunk?

Elliot DiMauro: How could you not know? Didn't you take gym in high school?
Dennis Finch: I was excused because I have brittle bones.
Jack Gallo: So you've never compared yourself to other men?
Dennis Finch: No. That is, only guys in porno movies. I just thought I was a little bigger than average.
Elliot DiMauro: You son of a bitch.

Jack Gallo: Poor Dennis. It's a story as old as time. Great product, lousy sales department.


"Just Shoot Me!: Miss Pretty (#3.18)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Our meetings have been a disorganized mess lately. So last night I wrote down ideas on how to improve them.
Dennis Finch: Let me see. All it says here is the word "Ideas" and drawings of fighter planes blowing up Godzilla.
Jack Gallo: Not bad, eh?

Jack Gallo: Will everyone please focus?
Dennis Finch: Jack, your new Slushie machine is here.
Jack Gallo: Meeting adjourned.

Jack Gallo: You know, Elliot, the lesson here is, the world is like one big Slurpee.
Elliot DiMauro: Why is that?
Jack Gallo: Well, we're all made of the same stuff - water, ice, some syrup. But no matter which color we are - red, yellow, brown - we are all equally delightful.
Elliot DiMauro: But blue is the best.
Jack Gallo: Well, yeah, blue is the best.


"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Van Mom (#6.10)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Nina, can I help you?
Dennis Finch: No one can help her until she helps herself.

Jack Gallo: Must you always hug after everything? Meeting's over - hug. Lunch is done - hug. We just finished hugging - let's hug.

Maya Gallo: You don't want to meet her, not like this.
Jack Gallo: Meet who?
Maya Gallo: No one.
Dennis Finch: Who, your bastard daughter?
[Nina gasps and drops the bottle she's holding]
Dennis Finch: Oh, my God! Did I guess it? I didn't know! I just guessed it, I got it!


"Just Shoot Me!: Funny Girl (#3.4)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: I just had lunch with Ally and guess what? The waiter thought I was his father.
Nina Van Horn: That a compliment. Aren't you older than her father?

Dr. Hendrie: Let me outline for you how plastic surgery can make your life better. How would you like to be surrounded by young, beautiful women?
Jack Gallo: I am, every day. Supermodels.
Dr. Hendrie: Ah. How would you like for your boss to stop treating you like an old fuddy-duddy?
Jack Gallo: I am the boss. I own the whole damn company.
Dr. Hendrie: But... Do you have a boat?
Jack Gallo: I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't need you.
Dr. Hendrie: I really think you should reconsider.
Jack Gallo: Why? My life is perfect. I just hope that when you're my age...
Dr. Hendrie: I'm seventy-two.

Mr. Weiland: I think that with an eye lift we can make you look sixty-five again.
Jack Gallo: I'm sixty-one.
Mr. Weiland: I cannot apologize enough.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Gift Piggy (#5.11)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: Hey, is that a tarantula?
Kevin Liotta: She's my pet.
Dennis Finch: That's no pet. A pet is something you can hug and cuddle and dress up like a pirate.
Kevin Liotta: Kinda like you.
Dennis Finch: I outrank you.

Jack Gallo: Ah, yes, the lion. That is Nature's one true killing machine.
Kevin Liotta: What about the shark?
Jack Gallo: Fine. The shark and the lion, nature's two true killing machines.
Dennis Finch: Jack, it's your ex-wife.
Jack Gallo: Three true killing machines.
Dennis Finch: ...and her lawyer.
Jack Gallo: My point is, danger is everywhere.

Jack Gallo: So your spider is running loose?
Kevin Liotta: Uh-huh.
Jack Gallo: I see. You search on the floor. I'll crawl up here and cancel my day.


"Just Shoot Me!: Son of a Preacher Man (#7.19)" (2003)
Nina Van Horn: Simon's parents are driving me crazy. They are so judgemental. And Simon just goes along, he's like a little boy around them.
Maya Gallo: Some people can't get pass the parent-child dynamic. It's tragic, really.
Jack Gallo: Hey, Princess.
Maya Gallo: Hi, Daddy!

Jack Gallo: I realize some of you are concerned that we always have our meetings in my office. So next week, we're having it at my club. Weinstein, you might want to sign your name as Wayne, just as a goof.

Elliot DiMauro: This isn't about parking spaces, Jack. It's about respect.
Jack Gallo: I can get you that. Dennis!
Dennis Finch: Now?
Jack Gallo: Now.
Dennis Finch: [Reading off cards] Have you been working out? You look great.
Jack Gallo: He's willing to say that in front of people.


"Just Shoot Me!: Where's Poppa? (#5.17)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Do we really have to go?
Jack Gallo: Of course you do. Sam Lazary was Blush Magazine's first investor, and a prince among men.
Maya Gallo: Then why aren't you going?
Jack Gallo: I don't do well at these things. I tend to get all blubbery, then I drink a lot, and say angry things to the valet.
Dennis Finch: I'm Jack Gallo! Who stunk up my car? I want names!
[Jack glares at him]
Dennis Finch: Dude, I'm on your side.

Nina Van Horn: [thinking] Dear God, if you prod Jack into telling me his dark secret, I promise never to touch liquor again.
Jack Gallo: It was 1964...
Nina Van Horn: [takes drink] Go on.

Carol: Remember in 1965 when that man from an insurance company came to give you that physical?
Jack Gallo: You took a blood test! Of course!
Carol: There was no insurance company.
Jack Gallo: That explains the laughter during the hernia exam.


"Just Shoot Me!: Hit the Road, Jack (#5.1)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: You two are still here?
Dennis Finch: Um... there was supposed to be a meteor shower.
Jack Gallo: I don't see anything.
Nina Van Horn: It may have been rescheduled.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, call the tennis club and tell them to rehire that locker room attendant. I found my wallet in the car.

Elliot DiMauro: I have to be out of the club by eleven. I have that photo shoot at the Intrepid.
Jack Gallo: Oh, right. Remember, be respectful. That ship is a monument to the brave men who fought and died for this country.
Elliot DiMauro: But you still want the models to straddle the big guns, right?
Jack Gallo: Oh, yeah.


"Just Shoot Me!: Jesus, It's Christmas (#2.9)" (1997)
Jack Gallo: No presents for Christmas? That's like Easter without high-stakes poker.

Maya Gallo: I think we should give the money to Jesus, the night custodian.
Jack Gallo: I know him. He's a nice guy.
Maya Gallo: You know Jesus?
Jack Gallo: Don't be so surprised. I have a rapport with the night cleaning staff.
Dennis Finch: If by rapport you mean that point-wink thing you do, then yes, you is down with the crew.

Nina Van Horn: I really think that money should go to my Kenny. He's a member of an oppressed minority.
Dennis Finch: Who, the trouserly challenged?
Nina Van Horn: He has brown eyes. They did a study, and it turns out blue-eyed dancers make far more money.
Jack Gallo: Who did a study?
Nina Van Horn: Me and my friend Binnie.


"Just Shoot Me!: Softball (#3.21)" (1999)
Steve Garvey: You know what? I quit. I can make more money autographing baseballs.
Jack Gallo: How, by forging Reggie Jackson?

Jack Gallo: Dennis, have you seen my Louisville Slugger?
Dennis Finch: Don't you remember? You were swinging it around in your office and it flew out of your hands and out the window.
Jack Gallo: Doesn't ring a bell.
Dennis Finch: Oh, come on. It fell twenty-three stories, went through the roof of a Gypsy cab and gave that German tourist a deep thigh bruise.
Jack Gallo: Oh, yeah. Master race my ass. That guy was crying like a baby.


"Just Shoot Me!: First Date (#4.8)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: Ladies and gentlemen, I have big news. I have mended my broken heart and are back on the prowl.
Jack Gallo: That's great.
Nina Van Horn: Congratulations.
Jack Gallo: What's her name?
Dennis Finch: [holding copy of Blush] Well, I don't know her name yet, but for now I'm calling her "page 106".

Jack Gallo: Pardon me, Nina. Dennis and I need to have some guy talk.
Nina Van Horn: I'll start. So, what about that cute guy from shipping?


"Just Shoot Me!: Sweet Charity (#2.8)" (1997)
Jack: [On phone] Jack Gallo for Donald Trump. I don't care if he is in a meeting. Tell him it's important. Hey, Donald. I'm humanitarian of the year, so you can kiss my ass!

Robert: Uh, Maya, don't think that you've been forgotten. We'd like you to introduce your father at the banquet.
Maya: Oh gosh; couldn't we just release some doves?
Robert: Just a few words about Jack's passionate concern for the children.
Maya: "Passionate concern"?
[cut to Jack posing across the room]
Jack: Hey, this one's for Trump!
[Jack bends over and displays his ass for the camera]


"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Van Grandma (#6.11)" (2002)
Elliot DiMauro: You know what I'm not going to do with this money? Spend it on my grammy.
Jack Gallo: Yes, you will.
Elliot DiMauro: She's got a hold on me, Jack.

Jack Gallo: I need help deciding what to give Maya for her birthday.
Elliot DiMauro: You know what I give my grandma? A book of coupons. She can use it for things like lunches, checker dates, and free back rubs.
Jack Gallo: How about instead of creepy grandma dollars, I just give her regular American dollars?
Elliot DiMauro: You're judging me, aren't you?
Jack Gallo: You rub your grandma.


"Just Shoot Me!: Maya's Nude Photos (#3.19)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Nina, how are the interviews for the new assistant going?
Nina Van Horn: I'm just about to start.
Jack Gallo: Good, I think I'll sit in.
Nina Van Horn: Jack, I don't need your help choosing my own assistant.
Jack Gallo: Oh, is that so? Let's look at some of your previous choices, shall we?
Nina Van Horn: Okay, lets.
Jack Gallo: Remember that pretty boy John Harder?
Nina Van Horn: John Harder? No, his name was John Davis.
Jack Gallo: Then how come I kept hearing you in your office shouting John Har - Oh. I guess that explains Billy Faster.

Jack Gallo: A little magic never killed anybody... except for Houdini.


"Just Shoot Me!: Jack Vents (#4.5)" (1999)
[Jack is listening to a relaxation tape of seaside sounds]
Nina Van Horn: Jack, I need to talk to you?
Jack Gallo: Just a minute. I'm trying to relax, and I'm waiting for the foghorn.
[foghorn sound]
Jack Gallo: It's all crap from here.

Dennis Finch: Jack, your sounds of the jungle tape just came in.
Jack Gallo: Is it any good?
Dennis Finch: You like monkeys?
Jack Gallo: Leave it on my desk.


"Just Shoot Me!: A Simple Kiss of Fate (#7.15)" (2003)
Jack Gallo: There he is! How's my favorite lawyer doing?
Martin: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to bill you three-hundred dollars.
Jack Gallo: Ha! That's funny! Lawyers are greedy.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, put my will in the safe. It is not to be opened under any circumstances. If you are at gunpoint, I expect you to die before anyone reads it.
Dennis Finch: Yes, sir. My word is my bond.
[as soon as Jack leaves, Dennis opens the will and reads it]
Dennis Finch: What? Maya gets his frozen head? I made all those wigs for nothing?


"Just Shoot Me!: Blind Ambition (#6.15)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, these grades stink. They're C's and D's, and an F that you changed to an E.
Dennis Finch: Hey, I earned that E.

Dennis Finch: It's all too much to take. It's all write this down, and read that, and learn this theorem. What the hell is a theorem? I think I'm in over their head.
Jack Gallo: Well, maybe you shouldn't be taking advanced astrophysics.
Dennis Finch: I wanna be a spaceman.
Jack Gallo: Ancient Greek architecture?
Dennis Finch: I want my spaceships to have columns.


"Just Shoot Me!: Educating Finch (#6.17)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Let me ask you this. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Dennis Finch: Standing out there.
Jack Gallo: Twenty years?
Dennis Finch: Out there.
Jack Gallo: Thirty years? Forty years? Fifty years?
Dennis Finch: Out there, out there, buried next to you in the Gallo family tomb.

Jack Gallo: Why am I spending all this money on your college education? I thought you were going to buckle down and study for this exam.
Dennis Finch: I'm trying! But when I study, it's like I'm teaching myself - and I'm an idiot. I'm being taught by an idiot.


"Just Shoot Me!: A Night at the Plaza (#5.2)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, who do I call to buy this glorious day?
Dennis Finch: Uh... the rich weird guy store?

Jack Gallo: Dennis, bring in the circulation reports.
Dennis Finch: [singing] Oh, Baby / Your wish is my command / You're my woman, I'm your man...
Jack Gallo: Do I give him enough to do?
Elliot DiMauro: It really wouldn't matter.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Walk (#2.14)" (1998)
Elliot DiMauro: Jack, don't you think romance is like a tango?
Jack Gallo: Yesterday you said the subway system was like a tango.
Elliot DiMauro: It is.

Jack Gallo: Is that a new camera?
Elliot DiMauro: It sure is. Completely digital. Has an 8000-pixel viewfinder and an 18-bit filter.
Jack Gallo: What does that mean?
Elliot DiMauro: I'm not sure, but it sure is shiny.
Jack Gallo: That's comforting coming from our head of photography.


"Just Shoot Me!: Watch Your Backdraft (#7.9)" (2003)
Elliot DiMauro: Can you believe he's wasting our time with this drivel?
Jack Gallo: [on intercom] The Blush employee of the month is Elliot DiMauro.
Elliot DiMauro: Hot damn!

Jack Gallo: That Toastman really burns me up. I call him for a little meet-and-greet and he won't answer.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, that's bad.
Jack Gallo: I'll say, it's wack. My TV is stuck on MTV. I am really getting tired of this Toastman guy. That fool be trippin'.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Mask (#3.3)" (1998)
Dennis Finch: Every time I come in here, you're either slamming your dad or turning on the waterworks. Could you tell me what he did that was so bad?
Jack Gallo: Thank you, Dennis.
Maya Gallo: When I was five, he paid our doorman to pose as him and take me trick-or-treating.
Dennis Finch: You're not my pretend dad anymore!

Jack Gallo: I'm feeling in the Halloween mood. Dennis, go out and buy one of those paper skeletons and hang it on my door.
Dennis Finch: Would you settle for an old poster of Nina in a bikini?
Nina Van Horn: That is so sweet!


"Just Shoot Me!: About a Boy (#6.13)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: An au pair is a live-in baby sitter.
Nina Van Horn: They work for room and board. They're usually foreigners.
Dennis Finch: Are they all that hot?
Nina Van Horn: Pretty much. The INS does a good job of screening out the uggos.
Jack Gallo: It's a controversial policy, but one that works.

Elliot DiMauro: And you never trusted anyone ever again.
Jack Gallo: Except for Bisquit. Until he bit me. But he got his.


"Just Shoot Me!: Nina's Birthday (#1.4)" (1997)
Jack Gallo: There was this guy at the Times who hated my guts for no reason. Wait, I may have slept with his girlfriend. He used to take pot shots at me during editorial meetings. But did I hit back?
Maya: No, you charmed him to your side.
Jack Gallo: That's right. He became my biggest supporter. He even gave me five grand to start this magazine. You know what happened the day I was to pay him back? He dropped dead. Pure profit, Maya.

Elliot: Hey, Jack, can I play with your laser pointer?
Jack Gallo: No, I traded it in for a whistle that only birds can hear.
[blows whistle]
Jack Gallo: I don't know. I guess I'm a sucker for nature.
[bird slams into window]


"Just Shoot Me!: At Long Last Allie (#5.22)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: If Kevin wants another job, he can be my new chauffeur.
Maya Gallo: What happened to Gus?
Jack Gallo: He kept saying that he wished a righteous rain would wash the city clean.

Maya Gallo: For God's sake, she's half your age!
Jack Gallo: What does that have to do with anything?
Maya Gallo: Nothing. I'm just used to saying it for so long.


"Just Shoot Me!: Sugar Momma (#5.20)" (2001)
Dennis Finch: You know, it's a long way...
Jack Gallo: I'm not giving you a scooter.
Dennis Finch: But if you give me a scooter, you can call me Scooter.
Jack Gallo: Better yet, why don't I call you Nickels?
[Gives him a handful of nickels]
Dennis Finch: I'm sick of it already.

Jack Gallo: I'm proud of Nina. But then, I did made her what she is today, so in a way I'm proud of myself. Yeah, that sounds about right.


"Just Shoot Me!: Choosing to Be Super (#5.5)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: Maya, great job on that piece on women astronauts.
Maya Gallo: Thank you. You see? Serious journalism does have a place in Blush magazine.
Jack Gallo: But these photographs are all wrong. There is no gravity up in space, their skirts should be way up in the air.
Dennis Finch: Every day, in some little way, I realize you're a genius.

Jack Gallo: Explain this idea to me again?
Nina Van Horn: It's simple. Fur is dead animals, right? So why not show them being worn by women on death row.
Jack Gallo: I'm gonna have to give it some time.
Nina Van Horn: Well, not too long. There is a bit of a ticking clock.


"Just Shoot Me!: Nina in the Cantina (#2.15)" (1998)
[Jack has made an ugly vase, and wants Dennis to keep it on his desk]
Jack Gallo: I want people to see that underneath this business suit lies the soul of an artist. Can you believe that was inside me all this years?
Dennis Finch: That's what it looks like.

Jack Gallo: Allie took me to this place in the mall where you can make your own pottery. It's like an artist colony.
Dennis Finch: Next to The Gap.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Two Faces of Finch: Part 2 (#6.3)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: You just need to not let him set the rules to the negotiation.
Jack Gallo: Nina, could you come in here now?
Nina Van Horn: No, Jack. I want to do it later.
Jack Gallo: All right, we'll do it later. Suit yourself.
Nina Van Horn: You'd like that, you sneaky little bastard?

Nina Van Horn: Yes, I take a lot of time off, but always with a legitimate reason.
Jack Gallo: Last year you've had 27 dentists' appointments.
Nina Van Horn: I have diseased gums.
Jack Gallo: 16 funerals.
Nina Van Horn: Diseased friends.
Jack Gallo: 104 trips to the hair salon.
Nina Van Horn: Now those are legit. I mean, this doesn't happen by itself.


"Just Shoot Me!: Blackjack (#4.18)" (2000)
Tad Gallo: Please, let me explain.
Jack Gallo: You have sixty seconds.
Tad Gallo: [hands Jack a cigar] Cuban?
Jack Gallo: Ninety seconds.

Jack Gallo: This guy is disgracing the family name. That's not what your grandfather had in mind when he changed it from Gallofart.


"Just Shoot Me!: Sewer! (#2.11)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: Some years ago I was in Chicago on business, and everyone is telling me about the ribs on this place called Twin Anchors. Well, I walked all over that damned city and didn't find it, so I stop at a little grocery store for directions, and I find this tiny old woman making tamales.
Maya Gallo: Don't tell me, the best Mexican food you have ever eaten.
Jack Gallo: Nope, I got food poisoning.
Maya Gallo: Is there a point to this story?
Jack Gallo: Yes. The delivery girl from the pharmacy next door had the finest bosoms I have ever seen. And this was back when bosoms were real, Maya.

Dennis Finch: So whatever happened to the chick with the nice ones?
Jack Gallo: Sheila in accounting.


"Just Shoot Me!: When Nina Met Elliott's Mother (#4.12)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: You can't give these toys to Hannah. They're too dangerous.
Jack Gallo: Are you implying that I bought these for myself?
Maya Gallo: Not at all.
Jack Gallo: Well, fine, I'm keeping them, because Maya is always right!

Maya Gallo: Maybe we can get him back into his cage.
Jack Gallo: I have an idea, let's herd him there. Here, you take this remote, I'll take this one.
Maya Gallo: Can I be the death buggy?
Jack Gallo: You're not ready for the death buggy.


"Just Shoot Me!: A Divorce to Remember (#4.1)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Hey, Elliot. Whatcha looking for?
Elliot DiMauro: Back issue.
Jack Gallo: Which one?
Elliot DiMauro: It... it had a health article in it.
Jack Gallo: Can I help you?
Elliot DiMauro: I found it.
Jack Gallo: Oh, July. Wasn't that the one with the piece on impotence? Hey, Maya! Didn't you write that piece on impotence?
[awkward pause]
Jack Gallo: What's that? Line two?
[leaves]
Elliot DiMauro: I'm not a machine!

Jack Gallo: Look who's back! Did you bring me back a starfish?
Dennis Finch: Yeah, and a can of sunshine.
[pause]
Dennis Finch: You weren't kidding, were you?
Jack Gallo: Remember, I waved goodbye and said "Bring me back a starfish!"
Dennis Finch: I thought you were joking.
Jack Gallo: No matter. We're just glad you're back.
[to Elliot]
Jack Gallo: I could not have been more clear.


"Just Shoot Me!: With Thee I Swing (#4.17)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: I was thinking we should do an article on women astronauts. Who they are, how they go there...
Jack Gallo: ...what kind of lingerie they wear on Earth.
Elliot DiMauro: That's a great idea.
Maya Gallo: Elliot!
Elliot DiMauro: Hey' it's our tax dollars. We deserve to know.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, my God! My taxes! Ah, screw it.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, what if I go down to your bar and personally apologize?
Dennis Finch: Won't make any difference.
Jack Gallo: What if I told them I forced you to break your code?
Dennis Finch: They'll still hate me.
Jack Gallo: What if I gave each of them a thousand dollars?
Assistants: [cut to Finch being hoisted up by the other assistants] For he's a jolly good fellow / For he's a jolly good fellow / For he's a jolly good fellow / Who didn't break the code!


"Just Shoot Me!: Maya Judging Amy (#6.5)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: I had no idea finding an assistant was so hard.
Jack Gallo: Be patient. The right one will never let you down. It may even become your best friend.
Maya Gallo: Dad, "it" is standing right there.
Jack Gallo: Oh, right. Sorry.
Dennis Finch: That's all right. "It" just got goosebumps.

Jack Gallo: [catches the guys looking at Amy] Need I remind you that this is a place of business? At least hold some work in front of you so that it looks like you're doing something. Buzz me if she takes off the jacket.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Proposal: Part 2 (#5.13)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: I think we should go see how they're doing with Dennis' toe. Maya, we'll be in pediatrics.

Dennis Finch: Check it out. Animal Planet.
Jack Gallo: Look at the gazelles. Uh oh, that one's limping. Now here comes mister lion. That's unfortunate.
Dennis Finch: Jack, they want you up at Graphics.
Jack Gallo: Change my lunch order to a salad.


"Just Shoot Me!: Slow Donnie (#3.11)" (1999)
Jack: Hey, Donnie. I think I finally have these tubes figured out.
Donnie DiMauro: [quietly] Kill me now.
Jack: See, it's hot air that pushes things through the tubes.
Donnie DiMauro: Donnie says vacuum.
Jack: Boy, when you get an idea in your head, you stick to it like taffy. See, when air gets hot, it rises.
Donnie DiMauro: Vacuum!
Jack: No, hot air. It's what causes a Pop-Tart to pop out of the toaster, or how helicopters...
Donnie DiMauro: [normal voice] Oh, for the love of God! It's not hot air! It's not magnets! It's a vacuum, Jacko! Like a straw! You ever use a straw, huh, lab partner? Air taken out from one end is replaced from the other end, that creates air pressure that propels things through the freaking tubes!
[Notices everyone is looking]
Donnie DiMauro: [slow Donnie voice] I love you, tubes.
[everyone still stares]
Donnie DiMauro: Green quarter.
[still staring]
Donnie DiMauro: Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot pie!
Elliot: Donnie, what the hell?
Donnie DiMauro: [normal voice] Oh, crap. Now I gotta get a job.

[Nina comes in with a parakeet in a cage]
Jack: What is that filthy thing doing here?
Dennis: Come on, she works here.


"Just Shoot Me!: Mayas and Tigers and Deans, Oh My (#5.15)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: Nina, have you met Pamela Anderson?
Pamela Anderson: You're Nina Van Horn.
Nina Van Horn: Yes, so?
[Pamela slaps Nina]
Pamela Anderson: I believe you know what that's for.
Nina Van Horn: I do, and I believe you know what this is for.
[slaps Pamela]
Pamela Anderson: No, I don't. What?
Nina Van Horn: For slapping me.

Jack Gallo: I'm the volunteer for the tiger trick.
Pamela Anderson: No, you're not. I am.
Jack Gallo: What? That's impossible!
Zigmund: Pamela, get ready for the tiger trick.
Jack Gallo: That could mean anything.
Pamela Anderson: Don't take it so hard. I'm just a bigger celebrity.
Jack Gallo: I'm Jack Gallo, publisher of Blush magazine.
Pamela Anderson: I'm the fantasy of every man in America.
Jack Gallo: Not this man, honey. Now let's end this with a big, long hug.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Assistant (#2.2)" (1997)
Cindy: I'm going away?
Jack Gallo: No, just upstairs. Joe MacDonald has a firm.

Maya Gallo: Do I have time for a shower?
Cindy: Yes.
Jack Gallo: Time for staff meeting.
Cindy: Right after your staff meeting.


"Just Shoot Me!: Prescription for Love (#4.11)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: [working on a crossword] Four letters. Ancient Yucatan inhabitant.
Kaylene: Maya.
Maya Gallo: Please, I'm thinking.
Kaylene: No, that's the answer. An ancient Yucatan inhabitant is a Maya.
Jack Gallo: Oh, my God! That's your own name, and you didn't get it!

Maya Gallo: I have an idea. Sex and the internet.
Jack Gallo: Ooh!
Maya Gallo: Recent appellate court decisions...
Jack Gallo: Oh...


"Just Shoot Me!: Hot Nights in Paris (#4.20)" (2000)
Nina Van Horn: You know, you're gonna catch a lot of flack for this little hint of nudity on the cover.
Jack Gallo: Hey, I got where I am by being bold, and I apologize to no one.
Nina Van Horn: Have you told Maya yet?
Jack Gallo: She'll see it on the newsstand, I'll tell her it was a mistake.

Jack Gallo: The only reason I talked to you twenty years ago was because you were next to the pretzels.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, yeah? Well, the only reason I hung out with you was because I thought you were Elliot Gould.


"Just Shoot Me!: Bravefinch (#2.19)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: Two assistants and I'm not sleeping with either one of them. My, times sure have changed.

Dennis Finch: I want to talk to you about Kenny.
Jack Gallo: Isn't he great? Peppy.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. What did his references say?
Jack Gallo: References? Anyone who's good enough for the U.S. Postal Service is good enough for me.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Two Faces of Finch: Part 1 (#6.2)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: I've been giving this a lot of thought, and I've decided that the all G-string issue is the wrong direction for this magazine.
Maya Gallo: Dad, I for one am standing by your decision.
Jack Gallo: Which is why we're doing a special feature on nipple glitter instead.
Dennis Finch: Woo-hoo!
[singing]
Dennis Finch: They're bright and sparkly, I touch them in the darkly. Everybody!
[pause]
Dennis Finch: Classic Finch. It's good stuff.

Maya Gallo: Elliot, what was that you told me about the way you walk?
Elliot DiMauro: I took it from Al Pacino. Watch this.
[walks back and forth]
Jack Gallo: More like Al Paqueeno.


"Just Shoot Me!: Christmas? Christmas! (#6.9)" (2001)
Elliot DiMauro: What happened?
Jack Gallo: I was just explaining to Paul that even though Grandma Pearl is dead, she still loves him.
Elliot DiMauro: Grandma Pearl is not dead. She moved to Palm Beach.

Elliot DiMauro: Kevin, come in here. Tell him what you saw.
Kevin Liotta: Hannah cut in front of Paul. She said she could do whatever she wants because her daddy rules the world.
Jack Gallo: But then the boy hit her?
Kevin Liotta: No. She pushed him. I told her to stop, and she threw an ornament at my head. She told me not to tell anybody... but I refuse to live in fear any more.


"Just Shoot Me!: Nina's Bikini (#2.17)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: [pointing at a photo of a male model] You see that photo? I want to make me look just like that.
Elliot DiMauro: [skeptical] Okay.
Jack Gallo: No, I mean it, and I am willing to do whatever it takes. I'll go to the gym, toss the old medicine ball around, take a steam ba... Hey, cheese sticks!

Elliot DiMauro: Where did she get a ridiculous idea like that?
Jack Gallo: Letters from the publisher. I gotta start reading those.


"Just Shoot Me!: Back Issues (#1.1)" (1997)
Maya Gallo: It just hit me, you are your magazine. You're glossy, you're slick, the cover looks great, you open it up, there's nothing inside.
Jack Gallo: I got another one for you. I get fat in December.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Haves and the Have-Mores (#6.8)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: I can't give you any more points, but I can give you this. Tonight, when I get home, I will open my secret employee ledger and next to your name, I'm putting... five gold stars.
Dennis Finch: Why you cheap bastard. You give me ten gold stars.
Jack Gallo: Seven.
Dennis Finch: Nine.
Jack Gallo: Eight.
Dennis Finch: Done!


"Just Shoot Me!: For the Last Time, I Do (#7.21)" (2003)
Nina Van Horn: I would like a sailboat for a present.
Jack Gallo: I gave you a sailboat for your last wedding.
Nina Van Horn: The Coast Guard repossessed it. Something about illegal cargo, blah, blah, blah.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Burning House (#6.20)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: I want David Hasselhoff to apologize to me. I also want him to apologize to my car. I'm not kidding.


"Just Shoot Me!: Finch Chasing Amy (#6.6)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: There is something to be said about positive reinforcement.
Jack Gallo: Yes, and that thing is...
[Razz]


"Just Shoot Me!: Shaking Private Trainer (#3.22)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, I want you to throw out every doughnut in the building.
Dennis Finch: What about cinnamon buns?
Jack Gallo: Did I say cinnamon buns?


"Just Shoot Me!: A&E Biography: Nina Van Horn (#4.23)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: I have been to a lot of weddings in my life, and most of them have been Nina's. I think Nina likes getting married more than being married. Of course, who doesn't? I mean, I don't.


"Just Shoot Me!: Erlene and Boo (#5.18)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: Yesterday, during my announcement, someone booed me. That stung. And I have one thing to say to that booer: thank you. Thank you for making me realize that I was out of touch with you and your needs. So henceforth, that door is always open.
Dennis Finch: Wow, I think that was the wisest, most mature thing you have ever done.
Jack Gallo: And so the trap is set.
Dennis Finch: What?
Jack Gallo: I did that to put the booer at ease, and now he's going to come to me. And when he does, that's when I'll have him.
[Laughs]
Dennis Finch: Should I book you a cell with the Riddler and the Penguin?


"Just Shoot Me!: Brandi, You're a Fine Girl (#5.6)" (2000)
Nina Van Horn: Entre nous and frere Jacques, Dee Dee is not the Dee Dee we thought she was.
Jack Gallo: She's not?
Nina Van Horn: She's a completely different Dee Dee. She's Tommy Hilfiger's daughter.
Jack Gallo: Really?
Nina Van Horn: She doesn't want anybody to know. She wants to make it on her own.
Jack Gallo: You know, I really admire that. You are kissing her ass, aren't you?
Nina Van Horn: More than I kiss yours.
Jack Gallo: Well, pace yourself.


"Just Shoot Me!: Friends and Neighbors (#6.14)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: So, is this a great seat or what?
Nina Van Horn: It fits like a glove. A fabulous ass glove.


"Just Shoot Me!: Fanny Finch (#5.19)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: Sorry I can't stay, but I have an aerobics class across the street. I'm dating the instructor.
Maya Gallo: Oh, you're still with Jill?
Dennis Finch: [sing-song] Jack and Jill. I hope she's on the pill.
[Jack stares at him]
Dennis Finch: I'm sorry.
Jack Gallo: How could you say that in front of your mother?
Dennis Finch: She doesn't understand what I'm saying.
Fanny Finch, Dennis Finch's Mother: I don't.


"Just Shoot Me!: Da Sister Who Loved DiMauro (#7.5)" (2002)
Andre Delacroix: I'm Andre. I'm looking for Nina.
Jack Gallo: Who is that?
Nina Van Horn: It's the delivery man. He's here to deliver my... my purse.
[picks up Andre's gear]
Jack Gallo: It looks enormous!
Nina Van Horn: It's the latest trend from Milan. Big is in.
Maya Gallo: It's almost big enough for your make up. Bounce, bounce, count it!


"Just Shoot Me!: Pictures of Lily (#7.10)" (2003)
Jack Gallo: Simon told me that Nina snores.
Nina Van Horn: Simon is telling things about me? I don't think I like that.
Jack Gallo: He says she's louder than a concert at Wembley.
Dennis Finch: Only much easier to get into.


"Just Shoot Me!: My Dinner with Woody (#2.6)" (1997)
Jack Gallo: I can't wait to tell my wife I was just in the men's room with Woody Allen.
Woody Allen: I can't wait to go home and change my shoes.


"Just Shoot Me!: Strange Bedfellows (#7.24)" (2003)
Maya Gallo: We demand an entire issue devoted to negative body image.
Jack Gallo: I'll give you one article and a plus-size model on the cover.
Maya Gallo: That offer is insulting. We won't even dignify it with a response.
Naomi: We'll take it.
Maya Gallo: What?
Naomi: I mean, it's a very reasonable offer.


"Just Shoot Me!: Mr. Jealousy (#7.2)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Thanks to your monkey shines, I have been uninvited to the fishing trip, and the after party, and the omelet lunch. And I just bought a platinum wisk.


"Just Shoot Me!: Two Girls for Every Boy (#3.5)" (1998)
Elliot: Do you have to go around with that filthy thing?
Jack: It's not even lit.
Elliot: I was talking to the cigar.


"Just Shoot Me!: Blackmail Photographer (#4.3)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: I remember when my first wife left me. I went for a night out on the town to help me cope. And that's where I met wive number two.
Dennis Finch: I don't want a second wife.
Jack Gallo: Then stay away from a place called P.J. O'Suds.


"Just Shoot Me!: The Odd Couple: Part 1 (#3.24)" (1999)
Barry: So what do they have you doing around here?
Dennis Finch: I'm chief of staff. Uh, kind of upper management problem solver...
Jack Gallo: Dennis, get me a doughnut. Oh, and Dennis, make sure they don't overdo it with the hole. I'm not paying for air.


"Just Shoot Me!: Dog Day Afternoon (#5.9)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, did you get my dry cleaning?
Dennis Finch: [not looking at him] Yep.
Jack Gallo: Did you play my lottery numbers?
Dennis Finch: Yep.
Jack Gallo: Biggety booggety boo?
Dennis Finch: Yep.