Quotes for
Juan Epstein (Character)
from "Welcome Back, Kotter" (1975)

"Welcome Back, Kotter: Welcome Back (Pilot) (#1.3)" (1975)

Arnold Horshack: I'm Arnold Horshack, the last.
Juan Luis Pedro Phillipo de Huevos Epstein: Why the last, Horschack?
Arnold Horshack: Cuz when they made me, they broke the mold.

Gabe Kotter: What's your favorite subject?
Juan Luis Pedro Phillipo de Huevos Epstein: Assault.

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"Welcome Back, Kotter: One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest (#1.19)" (1976)

Juan Epstein: Mr. Kotter, I got a note excusing my absenteeism.
Gabe Kotter: [Unfolds note, begins reading] "Dear Mr. Kotter. Please excuse Juan's abs - " Aren't you gonna read along?
[Epstein shakes head no]
Gabe Kotter: "Please excuse Juan's absence. He was home sick with the stomach flu. Sincerely, Mrs. Epstein." Fine. That's okay, Juan. Your excuse is perfectly legitimate.
Juan Epstein: I know. That's the problem. It's the first legitimate excuse I've turned in in 11 years. Me, Juan Epstein, the flim-flam man of Buchanan High School, a legit excuse. What's the world comin' to?

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"Welcome Back, Kotter: The Sit-In (#1.15)" (1976)

Juan Epstein: [Late at night in the dark classroom] Hey, Horshack. Tell me somethin'. Do you ever think about what God is like?
Arnold Horshack: Oh, yeah. I think he's short. And he has a marvelous sense of humor. And a great laugh.
Vernajean Williams: Hey, God can do anything.
Freddie 'Boom Boom' Washington: He can?
Vernajean Williams: SHE can. You know, she sings just like Aretha Franklin.
Juan Epstein: Y'know, I think God is kinda tough, y'know? But he's fair. Sorta like John Wayne in a white beard, y'know? "All right, pilgrims, move those clouds in a circle."
Vinnie Barbarino: I got my own idea of what God is like. I know he's a sharp dresser. He's good lookin'. And of course he's Italian.
Freddie 'Boom Boom' Washington: Yeah? Well, if you ask me, all that stuff about harps is a lot of jive. God is backed up by a jazz rhythym section. He got a piano, a bass guitar, and a drummer with a good right foot.
Julie Kotter: Well, I think God is love. And if he were here, he'd love my tuna casserole.
Juan Epstein: Hey, Mr. Kotter? What's your feelings on this subject?
Gabe Kotter: Well, I think that, uh, God is everywhere.
Arnold Horshack: Even in liver?
Gabe Kotter: He's everywhere. He's in Times Square. He used to be in Ebbets Field. Spent a lot of time in Ebbets Field. He's Moonlight in Vermont, Autumn in New York, all the standards. He's everywhere... with the possible exception of Epstein's gymn locker! Go to sleep!

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