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: Oh, Mr. Woodman, you'll be happy to know we have decided against the food fight. We Sweathogs are going to work through the system. Mr. Michael Woodman
: What system, Kotter? There's only one system here: you're free to do as you're told.
: [while the class is singing "99 Bottles of Beer" in unison
] That's the way it was, 200 years ago today, Valley Forge Ramada Inn. This Bicentenniel Minute has been brought to you by S.H.E.L., Students Happy to End Liver.
: [the lights go in the dark classroom, Horshack stands by the switch sucking his thumb, clutching a blanket and whimpering
] I would've been okay if I had my teddy. Gabe Kotter
: Well, you can't have your teddy. Arnold Horshack
: Well, then how about Mrs. Kotter? Gabe Kotter
: You can't have my teddy either.
: [Late at night in the dark classroom
] Hey, Horshack. Tell me somethin'. Do you ever think about what God is like? Arnold Horshack
: Oh, yeah. I think he's short. And he has a marvelous sense of humor. And a great laugh. Vernajean Williams
: Hey, God can do anything. Freddie 'Boom Boom' Washington
: He can? Vernajean Williams
: SHE can. You know, she sings just like Aretha Franklin. Juan Epstein
: Y'know, I think God is kinda tough, y'know? But he's fair. Sorta like John Wayne in a white beard, y'know? "All right, pilgrims, move those clouds in a circle." Vinnie Barbarino
: I got my own idea of what God is like. I know he's a sharp dresser. He's good lookin'. And of course he's Italian. Freddie 'Boom Boom' Washington
: Yeah? Well, if you ask me, all that stuff about harps is a lot of jive. God is backed up by a jazz rhythym section. He got a piano, a bass guitar, and a drummer with a good right foot. Julie Kotter
: Well, I think God is love. And if he were here, he'd love my tuna casserole. Juan Epstein
: Hey, Mr. Kotter? What's your feelings on this subject? Gabe Kotter
: Well, I think that, uh, God is everywhere. Arnold Horshack
: Even in liver? Gabe Kotter
: He's everywhere. He's in Times Square. He used to be in Ebbets Field. Spent a lot of time in Ebbets Field. He's Moonlight in Vermont, Autumn in New York, all the standards. He's everywhere... with the possible exception of Epstein's gymn locker! Go to sleep!
: We beat Woodman's liver! Today Woodman's liver, tomorrow my wife's tuna casserole!
: What's your favorite subject? Juan Luis Pedro Phillipo de Huevos Epstein
: James Buchanan is not anywhere. It's in Bensonhurst, which is in Brooklyn, which is where I spent four degenerate years as a student. You know how rough that is? The gangs there don't use guns. They insert the bullets manually.
: Julie, baby, if it wasn't for you... Julie Kotter
: What? Gabe Kotter
: I would've married someone else.
Mr. Michael Woodman
: Remember my motto: Conquer thyself, Kotter. Conquer thyself. Gabe Kotter
: Right here in the hall?
: [after Julie angrily hangs up the telephone
] What's the matter, Julie? Who was that? Julie Kotter
: It was a crank call. I don'y know why kids have to make crank calls. Did you ever do that? Gabe Kotter
: [Smiling mischievously
] Just once. I was about 11. We called up a butcher. We'd say, "Hello, is this the butcher?" He said, "Yes, it is." We said, "Do you have pig's feet?" He said, "I certainly do." I said, "Where do you buy your shoes?"
Mr. Michael Woodman
: This flu epidemic is a crisis, Kotter. You remember what General Patton used to say? Gabe Kotter
: Sure I do. He said, "School is hell."
: Mr. Kotter, I got a note excusing my absenteeism. Gabe Kotter
: [Unfolds note, begins reading
] "Dear Mr. Kotter. Please excuse Juan's abs - " Aren't you gonna read along?
[Epstein shakes head no
] Gabe Kotter
: "Please excuse Juan's absence. He was home sick with the stomach flu. Sincerely, Mrs. Epstein." Fine. That's okay, Juan. Your excuse is perfectly legitimate. Juan Epstein
: I know. That's the problem. It's the first legitimate excuse I've turned in in 11 years. Me, Juan Epstein, the flim-flam man of Buchanan High School, a legit excuse. What's the world comin' to?