Brian Hackett
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Quotes for
Brian Hackett (Character)
from "Wings" (1990)

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"Wings: Das Plane (#3.17)" (1992)
Carlton Blanchard: [after 23 hours of misunderstandings and $10,000, Carlton has beaten his estranged brother of 50 years at an airport in Wyoming] Well, I said all I had to say to that son of a bitch! What are you waiting for? Take off!
Brian Hackett: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't get it. You pay $10,000 and fly all this way just so you can beat your brother senseless?
Carlton Blanchard: Hell, no! I got my daddy's watch back, too!... wait a minute! This isn't Daddy's watch! And, come to think of it, Milford doesn't have red hair... maybe it *was* Las Cruces!

Brian Michael Hackett: [waving to an empty cornfield] So long, Shoeless Joe. Well, it's official: I have absolutely no idea where the hell we are.
Lowell Mather: Well, the corn's as high as an elephant's eye. I'd say we're in Iowa.
Brian Michael Hackett: That's Oklahoma, you nimrod.
Lowell Mather: [looking at Brian's feet] Well, I may be a nimrod, but at least I'm not the one standing in cow pies.
Joe Montgomery Hackett: [emerging from another section of the cornfield] Well, I couldn't find any signs of life. Any word from Antonio?
Lowell Mather: No, not since he disappeared down that dirt road. Hey, wouldn't it be neat if he got picked up by aliens? This is where it happens, you know: cornfields in Iowa!
Brian Michael Hackett: We're not in Iowa!
Lowell Mather: Oh right,*Stinky* thinks we're in Oklahoma!

Carlton Blanchard: Are we on the ground?
Brian Hackett: No, we crashed and died, and Heaven's really disappointing.

Brian Hackett: STUPID-HEAD!

Brian Hackett: We are now flying over Amish Country - phrases to avoid include "Yo Beardy!" and "Hey Mr. No-Buttons."

Carlton Blanchard: Hey, if a monkey were to bite ya, what kinda drugs would they make ya take?
Antonio Scarpacci: I don't know... maybe Joe knows...
Joe Montgomery Hackett: You sure ask a lotta questions, don't you, Carlton?
Carlton Blanchard: Well, my mother always told me 'There's no such thing as a stupid question'.
Brian Hackett: Run that one about the monkey past her sometime.


"Wings: Roy Crazy (#5.21)" (1994)
Brian Hackett: [to Roy] The fact is that when one guy sees another guy about to get dumped on, he wants to help him out... even if that guy's you!

Roy Biggins: She just wants to get me into bed & use me like some cheap piece of meat?
Brian Hackett: Exactly.
Roy Biggins: I can live with that!
[slams door]

Mark the Waiter: I agree with Brian. It's very straaange.
Brian Hackett: Who are you again?
Antonio: Don't you remember? He's Helen's crab boy!

Brian Hackett: My God! Look at that woman! That's Roy's ex-wife!
Alex: Hold it! Hold it! Somebody actually married Roy?


"Wings: Murder She Roast (#2.21)" (1991)
Brian Michael Hackett: It's scary to think that we live in a country where anybody can walk up to a counter and purchase meat.

Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: If I was going to kill you, I'd never poison you. I'd just tamper with the fuel gauge on the plane and let you sink like a stone somewhere over Nantuckett Sound.
Brian Michael Hackett: Faye!
Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: I'm only kidding... but I do know how.


"Wings: Joe Blows: Part 2 (#5.8)" (1993)
Brian Michael Hackett: And as if that *weren't* enough, I'm the one who's sittin' here wearing a FREAKIN' CLOWN SUIT!

Brian Michael Hackett: [Reading Fay's to-do list] I know the goat is a roadie tart, but I bought your dog a grape jar?
Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: I know we got off to a rocky start, but I think you're doing a great job.


"Wings: There Once Was a Girl from Nantucket (#1.5)" (1990)
Jimmy: I'm just trying to have a couple of laughs with the lady here.
Brian Michael Hackett: Well, Cindy is with my brother, Joe, now. She doesn't laugh anymore.


"Wings: 2 Good 2 Be 4 Gotten (#5.9)" (1993)
Joe Montgomery Hackett: [after finding a teddy bear hanging by a noose over his desk] What did I tell you? Sandy is crazy! Maybe you'll believe me now!
Helen Chapel: Yeah, Joe's right. This is pretty weird.
Brian Michael Hackett: Let's not jump to any conclusions, okay? This could be a suicide. Check the bear for signs of a struggle.
Alex Lambert: Maybe we should call the police.
Brian Michael Hackett: Yeah, because if we stand here and do nothing, then another innocent stuffed toy could get whacked.
Helen Chapel: Brian...
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Yeah, c'mon - this is not funny! We gotta do something!
Alex Lambert: Now, first things first. I think we should... notify the bear's next-of-kin.
Helen Chapel: How can you two kid around at a time like this?
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Thank you, Helen!
Helen Chapel: A bear has died!


"Wings: It's So Nice to Have a Mather Around the House (#4.7)" (1992)
Brian Michael Hackett: [Spotting Alex entering the terminal] Hello - Alex Lambert, helicopter pilot from Heaven.
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Oh, wow! I'd sell my soul to the devil for her.
Brian Michael Hackett: I'd drag myself naked across broken glass just to kiss one of her footprints.
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Well, I would walk across hot coals just to get to that ground glass.
Brian Michael Hackett: Yeah? Well, I would doggy-paddle across a pool of hungry pirhanas...
Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: [Interrupting] Oh, stop it! You two are terrible! I'd take you both over my knee except I'm afraid you'd like it!


"Wings: Joe Blows: Part 1 (#5.7)" (1993)
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Sir, it took me some doing, but here it is. Here's your briefcase. Look, I'm really very sorry that you had a bad experience with Sandpiper and I'd like the chance to make it up to you. So, if you ever decide to fly with us again, that flight's on the house, okay?
Luggage Man: [Glances at briefcase] It's scratched.
Joe Montgomery Hackett: What?
Luggage Man: There's a scratch on it, right here, and it wasn't there before. I'm filing a damage claim. Somebody's going to pay for this, and it's *not* going to be me.
Joe Montgomery Hackett: [laughing] Well, that's not a problem, sir! There's no need to file a report. Here, come with me; I've got just the thing for you. I am going to take your briefcase and put it through our special scratch remover!
[Throws briefcase through office door]
Joe Montgomery Hackett: You can collect your bags right through there! Thank you for flying Sandpiper!
Joe Montgomery Hackett: All right, Scotty, where were we? Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, you were, uh, asking me about my life.
[Takes map of Nantucket off of Roy's wall]
Joe Montgomery Hackett: I think that right here is pretty much everything you need to know.
[Points at map]
Joe Montgomery Hackett: This is Nantucket. I was born here, I live here, and I am probably gonna die here.
[Throws map]
Brian Michael Hackett: Joe, take it easy! Relax!
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Relax? I can't relax! If I relax, who's gonna try to keep this damn airline in business? Certainly not you. No, you're too busy wrestling with life's greater problems, like your recent bout with mediocre sex.
Brian Michael Hackett: Little louder, Joe, I don't think everybody heard you.
Roy Biggins: No, I can hear fine, thanks.
Helen Chapel: [after Joe knocks a stool over at the lunch counter] Joe, stop it!
Joe Montgomery Hackett: No, YOU stop it, Helen! You stop coming to me every time you have a problem with your boyfriend! Did it ever occur to you that I am alone here, and maybe I don't wanna hear about it? I am SICK of everyone running to me everytime they have a problem. Faye has a crisis, run to Joe; Antonio wants to buy a new cab, run to Joe; Roy wants to gloat, run to Joe. Well, where do *I* run to? Where do *I* go? Where do I go, when my dream of flying jets turns into the nightmare of being a baggage handler, huh? SOMEBODY tell me. Where do I go... when it finally dawns on me that my life SUCKS?


"Wings: A Terminal Christmas (#2.11)" (1990)
Lowell Mather: [singing] I'll be Joan for Christmas...
Roy Biggins: Why is it whenever he's around I hear dueling banjos?
Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: George used to sing that song to me.
Brian Michael Hackett: There's words to that song? I thought it was just banjos.


"Wings: The Bogey Men (#3.11)" (1991)
Brian Hackett: Try throwing a shoe at Roy and NOT hitting him.


"Wings: Legacy (#1.1)" (1990)
Brian Michael Hackett: Can't get sidetracked now again. We got to keep our eyes on the prize.
[an attractive woman walks by]
Brian Michael Hackett: Whoa, major hooters.
[to Joe]
Brian Michael Hackett: We can't let those...
Attractive Woman: What did you say?
Brian Michael Hackett: Major Hooters. Major Bob Hooters, U.S. Air Force, at your service.
[He salutes. She rolls her eyes and walks away, while Joe drags Brian out the door]
Brian Michael Hackett: Uh-oh, scramble. Red alert. Rest easy tonight, little lady. Our boys are in the air. And so are yours!


"Wings: This Old House (#3.15)" (1992)
Brian Michael Hackett: Well, goodbye, old house.
Joe Hackett: Yeah, and just think, we never have to see this place again.
[flashback]
Mr. Hackett: Boys, come on down and get some dinner!
Little Brian: Wow, I like this place a lot better than the old apartment!
Mrs. Hackett: You know guys, I think we're going to be happy here for a long time.


"Wings: Burnin' Down the House: Part 1 (#7.1)" (1995)
Passenger: Excuse me, when do you think the next plane leaves for Boston? I'm on kind of a tight schedule.
Brian Michael Hackett: *You're* on a tight schedule?
[snickers]
Brian Michael Hackett: *You're* on a tight schedule. I'm running this place single-handedly. I'm taking all the flights because Joe's on his honeymoon, I'm booking the reservations because Fay's on a seniors' cruise, I'm even doing all the pre-flight checks because Lowell's *also* on vacation.
[shouting]
Brian Michael Hackett: But hell! You wanna take off now? We'll take off now! I've only been up for 28 hours straight! I was hoping to grab a cup of coffee, but hey! We got auto-pilot!
[Calmer]
Brian Michael Hackett: Just do me a little favor: when you hear this sound
[He blares like a horn]
Brian Michael Hackett: ... wake me!
Passenger: [Frightened] No no no, please! Take your time, 'cause I can wait.
Brian Michael Hackett: That's more like it!
[Calmer]
Brian Michael Hackett: And thank you for flying Sandpiper.