Joe Montgomery Hackett
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Quotes for
Joe Montgomery Hackett (Character)
from "Wings" (1990)

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"Wings: Come Fly with Me (#5.10)" (1993)
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Hey, anyone interested in going down to the junior high and seeing this production of "Jesus Christ Superstar"?
Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Oh, they canceled it. Jesus couldn't make it. He got grounded.

Joe Montgomery Hackett: C'mon! Let's get off this rock and go to Boston - a city where people DO something! A city where people drink for social reasons.

"Wings: Das Plane (#3.17)" (1992)
Brian Michael Hackett: [waving to an empty cornfield] So long, Shoeless Joe. Well, it's official: I have absolutely no idea where the hell we are.
Lowell Mather: Well, the corn's as high as an elephant's eye. I'd say we're in Iowa.
Brian Michael Hackett: That's Oklahoma, you nimrod.
Lowell Mather: [looking at Brian's feet] Well, I may be a nimrod, but at least I'm not the one standing in cow pies.
Joe Montgomery Hackett: [emerging from another section of the cornfield] Well, I couldn't find any signs of life. Any word from Antonio?
Lowell Mather: No, not since he disappeared down that dirt road. Hey, wouldn't it be neat if he got picked up by aliens? This is where it happens, you know: cornfields in Iowa!
Brian Michael Hackett: We're not in Iowa!
Lowell Mather: Oh right,*Stinky* thinks we're in Oklahoma!

Carlton Blanchard: Hey, if a monkey were to bite ya, what kinda drugs would they make ya take?
Antonio Scarpacci: I don't know... maybe Joe knows...
Joe Montgomery Hackett: You sure ask a lotta questions, don't you, Carlton?
Carlton Blanchard: Well, my mother always told me 'There's no such thing as a stupid question'.
Brian Hackett: Run that one about the monkey past her sometime.

"Wings: 2 Good 2 Be 4 Gotten (#5.9)" (1993)
Joe Montgomery Hackett: [after finding a teddy bear hanging by a noose over his desk] What did I tell you? Sandy is crazy! Maybe you'll believe me now!
Helen Chapel: Yeah, Joe's right. This is pretty weird.
Brian Michael Hackett: Let's not jump to any conclusions, okay? This could be a suicide. Check the bear for signs of a struggle.
Alex Lambert: Maybe we should call the police.
Brian Michael Hackett: Yeah, because if we stand here and do nothing, then another innocent stuffed toy could get whacked.
Helen Chapel: Brian...
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Yeah, c'mon - this is not funny! We gotta do something!
Alex Lambert: Now, first things first. I think we should... notify the bear's next-of-kin.
Helen Chapel: How can you two kid around at a time like this?
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Thank you, Helen!
Helen Chapel: A bear has died!

"Wings: It's So Nice to Have a Mather Around the House (#4.7)" (1992)
Brian Michael Hackett: [Spotting Alex entering the terminal] Hello - Alex Lambert, helicopter pilot from Heaven.
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Oh, wow! I'd sell my soul to the devil for her.
Brian Michael Hackett: I'd drag myself naked across broken glass just to kiss one of her footprints.
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Well, I would walk across hot coals just to get to that ground glass.
Brian Michael Hackett: Yeah? Well, I would doggy-paddle across a pool of hungry pirhanas...
Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: [Interrupting] Oh, stop it! You two are terrible! I'd take you both over my knee except I'm afraid you'd like it!

"Wings: Death Becomes Him (#7.3)" (1995)
Joe Montgomery Hackett: What, what are you doing, Faye? You got an idea?
Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: [Mischievously] Maybe this body will do. People look very different when they pass on. Kingsbury was a recluse; no one's seen him in years! Now, let's see what we've got here. Pop the hood!
[Brian opens the casket]
Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: ... Well, this dame's not gonna cut it.

"Wings: Joe Blows: Part 1 (#5.7)" (1993)
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Sir, it took me some doing, but here it is. Here's your briefcase. Look, I'm really very sorry that you had a bad experience with Sandpiper and I'd like the chance to make it up to you. So, if you ever decide to fly with us again, that flight's on the house, okay?
Luggage Man: [Glances at briefcase] It's scratched.
Joe Montgomery Hackett: What?
Luggage Man: There's a scratch on it, right here, and it wasn't there before. I'm filing a damage claim. Somebody's going to pay for this, and it's *not* going to be me.
Joe Montgomery Hackett: [laughing] Well, that's not a problem, sir! There's no need to file a report. Here, come with me; I've got just the thing for you. I am going to take your briefcase and put it through our special scratch remover!
[Throws briefcase through office door]
Joe Montgomery Hackett: You can collect your bags right through there! Thank you for flying Sandpiper!
Joe Montgomery Hackett: All right, Scotty, where were we? Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, you were, uh, asking me about my life.
[Takes map of Nantucket off of Roy's wall]
Joe Montgomery Hackett: I think that right here is pretty much everything you need to know.
[Points at map]
Joe Montgomery Hackett: This is Nantucket. I was born here, I live here, and I am probably gonna die here.
[Throws map]
Brian Michael Hackett: Joe, take it easy! Relax!
Joe Montgomery Hackett: Relax? I can't relax! If I relax, who's gonna try to keep this damn airline in business? Certainly not you. No, you're too busy wrestling with life's greater problems, like your recent bout with mediocre sex.
Brian Michael Hackett: Little louder, Joe, I don't think everybody heard you.
Roy Biggins: No, I can hear fine, thanks.
Helen Chapel: [after Joe knocks a stool over at the lunch counter] Joe, stop it!
Joe Montgomery Hackett: No, YOU stop it, Helen! You stop coming to me every time you have a problem with your boyfriend! Did it ever occur to you that I am alone here, and maybe I don't wanna hear about it? I am SICK of everyone running to me everytime they have a problem. Faye has a crisis, run to Joe; Antonio wants to buy a new cab, run to Joe; Roy wants to gloat, run to Joe. Well, where do *I* run to? Where do *I* go? Where do I go, when my dream of flying jets turns into the nightmare of being a baggage handler, huh? SOMEBODY tell me. Where do I go... when it finally dawns on me that my life SUCKS?

"Wings: Legacy (#1.1)" (1990)
Joe: When you're up there looking down everything sorta makes sense... well, not in a intellectual way but kinda spiritually. It never fails, every time I fly I come back a little surer there's a God.

"Wings: Roy Crazy (#5.21)" (1994)
Helen: Joe, you've gotta help me! That kid's been staring at me for hours!
Joe Hackett: He's got a crush on you. What do you want me to do?
Helen: Tell him take a hike! Tell him to beat it! Kick his weirdo butt outta here! I would, but I'm too nice!
Joe Hackett: Helen, I'm not gonna break his heart. Besides, who can blame him?
[imitating Mark]
Joe Hackett: You got the kind of spatulas that drive men wiiiild!

"Wings: This Old House (#3.15)" (1992)
Brian Michael Hackett: Well, goodbye, old house.
Joe Hackett: Yeah, and just think, we never have to see this place again.
Mr. Hackett: Boys, come on down and get some dinner!
Little Brian: Wow, I like this place a lot better than the old apartment!
Mrs. Hackett: You know guys, I think we're going to be happy here for a long time.