Steve Smith
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Quotes for
Steve Smith (Character)
from "American Dad!" (2005)

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"American Dad!: Jenny Fromdabloc (#6.16)" (2011)
Steve Smith: [In a flashback scene where Steve and his friends are young kids]
[to Snot]
Steve Smith: Hey, you shouldn't be worrying about girls for another ten years. You should be worrying about blocks and making pee-pee on the potty. Girls, this guy's worried about!
Snot Lonstein: You're right, Steve. You're always right.
Barry Robinson: Interesting how we've developed such a sophisticated hierarchy at this young age.
Steve Smith: Shut up, Barry.
Barry Robinson: I'm at the bottom.

Steve Smith: [to Snot about Hayley] If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure she has the herps.
Jeff Fischer: [sticks his head out the window] Yeah, she does.

Steve Smith: Snot? Are you okay?
Snot Lonstein: I almost didn't make it to school.
Steve Smith: Oh, no, Jenny. What did she do?
Snot Lonstein: Oh, Steve! We went to Taco King and then we rode the Ferris wheel, then we went to the beach and stayed up all night talking about our hopes and dreams. Then I fucked her! I finally did it, man. I'm not a virgin anymore.
[Steve has a shocked look on his face]

Steve Smith: [to Roger] You slut!
Roger the Alien: I have to say, it was super relaxing being an innocent young girl for a change.
Steve Smith: Innocent? You did it with Snot on the beach!
Roger the Alien: Yeah, I did. Got sand all up in my Jenny dress, not to mention my gopher hole. Oop, I mentioned it.

Steve Smith: [to Roger] I should've known you'd take it too far.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, you should've. You've known me for years, Steve.

Roger the Alien: I'll tell you what's going I like Snot. He's cute and he's funny and he treats me nice. Reminds me of a young Paul Reiser.
Steve Smith: He is nothing like a young Paul Reiser. He's Rob Morrow on his best day.

Barry Robinson: Hey, what are we supposed to do?
Steve Smith: Well, I guess we could...
Barry Robinson: Not you, virgin!

Steve Smith: [to Roger] Do you know what time it is?
Roger the Alien: Nope. We were having sex in the park and I totally lost track. I must have been making weird noises 'cause a bunch of cats wouldn't leave us alone. Had to throw a couple cats.
Steve Smith: Roger, you have to stop this.
Roger the Alien: I see. I know what's really going on here. You can't stand the fact that Snot's cool now and you're no longer king of the nerds.
Steve Smith: That's ridiculous! I mean sure there's been an established hierarchy, but...
[looks at the object that Roger has]
Steve Smith: What wh-what is that?
Roger the Alien: Oh, this? My stress ball.
Steve Smith: But there's a crack in it.
Roger the Alien: Uh-huh.
Steve Smith: Oh, my God, that's how you and Snot have been...
Roger the Alien: Relieving stress. Because this is a stress ball. And trust me, Snot's been relieving a lot of stress into this thing.

Principal Lewis: Hey, Steve, I'm just telling a few people, I'm making belt buckles now if you want to buy one. Check it out.
[shows Steve one of his belt buckles]
Principal Lewis: He's got red eyes from smoking weed.
Steve Smith: I really can't believe you're an educator, Brian.
Principal Lewis: My job's mostly administrative.

Steve Smith: [after Steve learns that his friends went to Wild West Land without him] Last I checked, friends excursions included all of the friends. How could you come here without me?
Snot Lonstein: Because you hate Jenny and you're jealous that I'm getting sniz on the reg.
Steve Smith: Stop saying that!

"American Dad!: Escape from Pearl Bailey (#4.5)" (2008)
Steve Smith: I can't believe what this school is coming to under Lisa's leadership. Last week, I was at a mandatory pep rally, and they threatened to kick my ass because I wouldn't give them an "O." I mean, I just gave them a "G." What, am I made of letters?

Steve Smith: [to Amy] You think Debbie's a buffalo? I'll show you a buffalo.

Steve Smith: [to Janet] You think Debbie's fat? I'll show you fat.

Steve Smith: [to Lisa] You think Debbie's a slut? I'll show you a slut.

Snot Lonstein: [to Steve after Debbie dumps him] You know what? You're better off without her. She's not fit enough to recalibrate your tricorder.
Barry Robinson: Or fit enough to wear people clothes.
Steve Smith: That's the same lame joke from the Web page.
Barry Robinson: I mean I'm Barry.

Steve Smith: [to Barry, Snot and Toshi] Do you have any idea what you've done? Because of you, I destroyed three innocent girls, lost Debbie and jammed laxatives arm-deep into a buffalo!

Steve Smith: Principal Lewis. Thank God, we're saved.
Principal Lewis: Sorry, Smith. I've ordered my administration to turn a blind eye to these proceedings.
Janet Lewis: Thanks, Daddy.
Steve Smith: Janet's your daughter? How come you never mentioned this before?
Principal Lewis: Because I'm ashamed of her for more reasons than you can imagine. Still, that's my little girl, man.

Steve Smith: We need to get to that door, but how? The stage is lousy with drama geeks.
Barry Robinson: Actors killed Lincoln!

Steve Smith: [to his friends] If we're lucky, we might just take a few of them with us!
[Steve and his friends face the angry mob, but they end up getting beat up by them]
Steve Smith: We're not taking any of them with us!

"American Dad!: The Vacation Goo (#3.1)" (2007)
Becky Arangino: Hi, I'm Becky, cruise activities director.
Steve Smith: I'm Steve. I have five friends on MySpace and I'm waiting on approval from a sixth.
Becky Arangino: You're cute.
Steve Smith: Oh, in a harmless little brother kind of way, right?
Becky Arangino: [laughs] No. In an I've taken a lot of boys' virginity kind of way.

Steve Smith: Dad, can we go to Graceland?
Stan Smith: Steve, if you want to pay your respects to a fat man who died on the toilet, we can visit your Aunt Mary's grave.

Steve Smith: Becky, thanks for getting us this lifeboat. I mean, lifeboobs. Wait... no, no, I was right.

Francine Smith: Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!
Steve Smith: We could go skiing!
Stan Smith: Or, here's an alternate pitch. Uh, stay here, watch the Duke game - just hear me out - I order boneless wings from KFC - hang on to that thought, Hayley - I take a long bath and then, wait for it... none of you are here!
Francine Smith: Or - just hear me out - we stay home and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off, I'll slam a book on your testicles.
Steve Smith: [pause] Did someone say skiing?

Stan Smith: Kids, you want to play "20 Questions" until we die? I'm thinking of a person.
Steve Smith: Ronald Reagan?
Stan Smith: Damn!

"American Dad!: LGBSteve (#10.10)" (2015)
Steve Smith: [after Hayley convinces Steve to pose as a girl so she can join the roller derby team] I'll do it. I'll pretend I'm a girl. Also, it might not be a lie because that split just destroyed my balls.

Steve Smith: [about his roller derby name] Stevie Wonderbra. I like it 'cause it's about tits.

Steve Smith: [after Devin smacks him on the butt] That's two on the same cheek, Dev! I'm gonna have to explain the hand mark to my mom at bath time. Kidding, yo!
[chuckles nervously]
Steve Smith: I shower now. Solo. Just me and the baby monitor.

Steve Smith: [to Hayley] If I go down, you go down with me. Then all that ink on your arm; it'll just be a bunch of nonsense no one can read unless you move to China, but who are we kidding? You don't have the guts.

Roger the Alien: Okay, Steve, if you're looking for gender clarification, there's a number of things we can try. First, we raise some cash to get that dick off you.
Steve Smith: [covering his crotch] Whoa! Coming in hot!

"American Dad!: With Friends Like Steve's (#1.22)" (2006)
Steve Smith: Hey, that's my dad's Tara Reid collector's plate. You can't touch that! You know how much that'll be worth in a few months when she's dead?

Stan Smith: Oh, you're off the hook, Steve. I know you never bought into the whole Nicaraguans-Russians-and-Cubans-invading-Colorado thing. Besides, I've got Barry now. I don't need you... per se.
Steve Smith: You don't need me?
Stan Smith: Per se, Steve. Geez, doesn't anyone appreciate Latin anymore?

Barry: Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch.
[gives Steve the doormat]
Stan Smith: Great, it's the fat one.
Steve Smith: That's a doormat, Barry.
Barry: Who's Matt Barry?
Stan Smith: God, I hate you so much!
Steve Smith: Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
Francine Smith: If it's okay with his parents.
Barry: Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Stan Smith: Good people. My kind of people.
[Barry's watch beeps]
Barry: Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
Stan Smith: Fatty can use the garden hose!

Stan Smith: Steve, do you still want to go to the Franklin Mint this weekend? The new Clara Peller commemorative plates are in. "Where's the beef?"
Stan Smith: Good question. Where was that beef? Nobody knew.
Steve Smith: Oh, my God! The Franklin Mint? Yeah, I'd rather die

"American Dad!: Wheels & the Legman and the Case of Grandpa's Key (#7.10)" (2012)
Stan Smith: [to Steve] So this, uh, detective stuff looks fun. Can I play?
Steve Smith: Um, maybe, Dad, but I'm not sure you understand what we do here.
Stan Smith: No, no, I get it. It's part pretend, part real, fake detectives, real cases, you're in a wheelchair, Roger can walk. W... what's not to get?

Roger: [to Stan] You're a liability! You know what your problem is? Pappa Wheelie doesn't have a backstory. All right, all you have is a prop. How did you end up on that unicycle? Are you a hipster? Are you a Frenchman? Were you raised by a Russian circus bear? You don't know! You just woke up one morning and saw a unicycle, you stupid hack. I don't know about you, but this case has put me in the mood for some cocaine.
Stan Smith: I-I get that joke. 'Cause cocaine comes in keys, right?
Steve Smith: The Legman doesn't joke about cocaine.
Roger: Cocaine is not a joking matter.

Steve Smith: [to the Mailboxes clerk] W... wait. Tell us what the key is for.
Mailboxes Clerk: I work at a store called Mailboxes, not at a store called "I Help People Who Hurt Me." That store is down the block. It is amazing. I wanted to work there, but they told me I was too ugly.

Steve Smith: [to Dane Cook] I don't care what every single person on Earth says. You're hilarious.

"American Dad!: Homeland Insecurity (#1.6)" (2005)
Steve Smith: [talking about the cool things a video game alien can do] Oh... um... sorry, Roger
Roger the Alien: No, no, you said it. It's out in the open. We have to live with it now.

Steve Smith: Seriously, can't you do *anything*?
Roger the Alien: I can get my feelings hurt and throw a world-class hissy fit!

Steve Smith: I'm running away. It's the only way I can escape those psycho Rangers.
Roger the Alien: Oh! Oh, take me with you. Maybe my special power is keeping you from getting molested at the bus station. Maybe.

Stanley Smith: Son, if you ever get captured by any terrorists in the neighborhood and end up on al-Jazeera, just blink you location in Morse code. I'll have a bomb dropped on your location immediately.
Steve Smith: But, Dad, then I'd get killed too.
Stanley Smith: Ah, come on son, there are plenty of kids to play with in heaven. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist. She must be about 16 by now, you could totally tap that.

"American Dad!: Deacon Stan, Jesus Man (#1.7)" (2005)
Steve Smith: I touched her hand. Her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob. Algebra's awesome!

Steve Smith: I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I touched her boob! Algebra's awesome!

Steve Smith: Hi, Betsy. Steve Smith. We were in first grade together - before you Ieft for gymnastics camp.
Betsy: Steve! Great to see you again.
Steve Smith: Are you still into the juice and crackers thing?
Betsy: No. I'm on an ultra-strict diet. I can only eat what Coach Béla Kàrolyi approves.
[holds up glass of water with a lemon wedge]
Bela Karolyi: [Horrified] Lemon wedge? Fatty wants a lemon wedge? *Here's* your precious lemon wedge!
[rubs whole lemon into Betsy's face]

Stanley Smith: [discussing Francine's potato salad] What if I told you that it contained a horrible ingredient? An unholy ingredient.
Karl Rove: Unholy, you say?
Karl Rove: [stands up and opens his robe, traumatizing the entire family then sits back down] Anything else?
Steve Smith: Where... where does your food go?

"American Dad!: Son of Stan (#6.2)" (2010)
Steve Smith: Gotta go put a popsicle on the ol' starfish.

Steve Smith: Shut up, Mom! Get me chips!

Steve Smith: [to Stan] You can still be a good dad if you get me some more nachos, fat ass. And don't skimp on the chili peppers! I want my farts to hurt!

Steve Smith: I'm tired of you bossing me around, Dad. All the running, all the all the studying, all the planning for your Christian camp. I know you want to break ground in 2012, but it's not going to happen! We can't get the permits!

"American Dad!: Bully for Steve (#5.16)" (2010)
Steve Smith: [After bully Stan throws a coffee in his face] Ah! It's in my eye!
Stan Smith: That's what your Mum said last night

Steve Smith: [to Stan] Why do you care how I get those oranges up those steps, I can pay someone to do it for me just like I'm paying Stelio to kick your ass

Francine Smith: Steve, I know I said violence was never the answer, but it has just become the answer. I'm gonna teach you how to kick your father's ass!
Steve Smith: Good! That ass needs a pounding!
Francine Smith: Yeah. That's what your father said last night.

Stan Smith: [to Steve] I had a bully once. Stelio Kontos was his name. He was as mean as he was Greek. He made my life a living hell. He totally tormented me. One time, he made me keep a live bat in my underpants all day. Gave me ass rabies. My anus was frothing like a cappuccino. Anyway, that olive-skinned bastard made me into the man I am today.
Steve Smith: The kind that bullies his own son?
Stan Smith: Right

"American Dad!: Bar Mitzvah Hustle (#4.14)" (2009)
Debbie: Steve, I'm sorry, but well, Etan asked me to be his date to his Bar Mitzvah and I said yes.
Steve Smith: What? You're dumping me for that snobby rich kid?
Debbie: Steve, I don't care that he's rich. I care that he's mature. I'm sorry, but I need a man, not a boy.
Steve Smith: A boy? Could a boy produce tears this big?

Roger: I'll be Ernest Shlumpel, Etan's long-lost great uncle. When the Nazis annexed Alsace-Lorraine in 1940, Ernest fled to Mykonos where he invented a kosher lubricant that tastes like whitefish salad...
Steve Smith: You're playing a waiter.
Roger: But I've been developing my Alsace-Lorraine Mykonos accent.
Steve Smith: You're not doing an accent.
Roger: [gets up close to Steve menacingly] Oh, yeah? You son of a bitch. You know I'm not a fighter.

Steve Smith: [to Roger] Now Snot may never get bar mitzvahed and it's my fault.
Roger: All because you refused to do the heist my way.
Steve Smith: How would you doing a goofy accent have changed anything?
Roger: We'll never know now, will we?

"American Dad!: Why Can't We Be Friends? (#8.5)" (2012)
Steve Smith: Oh, Snot. You were wearing your bathing suit as underwear that day.

Stan Smith: [to Steve] What are you doing?
Steve Smith: Playing lunch lady. Pizza or sloppy joe?
Stan Smith: I am pissed off because you're doing that and now I want a sloppy joe and I know you don't really have one.

Steve Smith: [to Stan] You don't get to talk about air guitar!

"American Dad!: The Scarlet Getter (#7.6)" (2011)
Snot Lonstein: Steve, what the hell are you wearing?
Steve Smith: Ah, man. I must have grabbed a pair of Hayley's underwear from the dryer. This day can't get any worse!
Snot Lonstein: Those are Hayley's? Let me smell them.
Steve Smith: Snot, we're on the bus. I'm not going to take them off.
Snot Lonstein: That's not what I asked.

Steve Smith: Wh... wh... who took my panties, m-my women's panties th-that I was wearing? Has anyone seen my women's panties that I was wearing?

Shannon Sharpe: [to Steve and his friends] Yo, nerds, any of you seen an alien?
Steve Smith: No, we're looking for panties.
Shannon Sharpe: Oh, we're all looking for stuff.

"American Dad!: A Smith in the Hand (#1.9)" (2005)
Stanley Smith: You don't need to know. That's the beautiful mystery of sex.
Steve Smith: Well, I guess not. But...
Stanley Smith: See, if I tell you about it, it won't be a mystery. It will just be a fact. An ugly, moist fact, squatting on your brain like an octopus. And, you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, Son?
Steve Smith: No.
Stanley Smith: And that's where babies come from.

Steve Smith: So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?
Stanley Smith: That's right. Or angels will kill you. Good night.

Steve Smith: Dad! There you are.
Stanley Smith: Of-of course I'm here. Wh-where else would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
Steve Smith: Yeah, right. Only perverts and democrats do that.
Stanley Smith: [laughs] Well said, soldier.

"American Dad!: Toy Whorey (#7.18)" (2012)
Steve Smith: Pop, you need to eat. You're wasting away. You're doing a reverse Vince Vaughn.

Stan Smith: You're too old to be playing with toys!
Steve Smith: What? You're never too old to play! Using your imagination's a healthy way to escape reality for a spell.
Stan Smith: No, that's what drugs and alcohol are for.

Stan Smith: And by the way, father of the year here. This is how I wish I lost my virginity. Not to some coked-up airhead.
Steve Smith: Didn't you lose your virginity to Mom?
Stan Smith: Mm-hmm.

"American Dad!: The Unbrave One (#7.8)" (2012)
Stan Smith: [to Steve] Where'd you go?
Steve Smith: I got the usher.
Stan Smith: I almost died!
Steve Smith: I almost died too... of shock. I accidentally ran into a Hugh Grant movie. Ugh. Such a youthful haircut on such an old face.

Steve Smith: The night belongs to me, for I am Greater Chimdale County Man.
Roger: No! That name's terrible!

Steve Smith: I can't believe we've been walking around all night and couldn't find one crime.
Roger: This neighborhood's gotten too safe since the Blacks moved out. David and Franklin Black. Two white brothers who killed every Mexican in town.

"American Dad!: Stan's Food Restaurant (#6.4)" (2010)
Steve Smith: [to Snot] Okay, so Ashley's crazy as hell, but she's good to go.

Ashley: [to Snot about her doll, Julia] You took advantage of Julia!
Snot Lonstein: What? Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no.
Ashley: Get out!
Steve Smith: What's going...?
Ashley: Both of you, get out!
Steve Smith: No, no, wait!
Ashley: She was a virgin!
[holds Julia close to her]
Ashley: What's that, Julia? He didn't use a condom?
Steve Smith: You didn't use a condom?
Snot Lonstein: Are you kidding me?

Steve Smith: [to Snot] We have to get rid of that doll!
Snot Lonstein: No way! I'm done!
Steve Smith: Mount Vernon, dude.
Snot Lonstein: I hated that trip! I pooed my pants on the bus ride there. That's a long time to pretend you don't smell anything.

"American Dad!: 1600 Candles (#4.1)" (2008)
Steve Smith: Every time I walk, it's like a game of g-nip g-nop

Steve Smith: Behold, it is here! My first pube!
Hayley Smith: [pulls down his pants and shocks the entire family] Ugh, it's red!
Steve Smith: Fi-yahh!
Hayley Smith: Oh God, I'm gonna be sick!

Francine Smith: [after turning Steve into a toddler] Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome young man.
Steve Smith: Just so you know. I'm speaking calmly right now, but there's a tantrum brewing in me the likes of which this mall has never seen!

"American Dad!: Family Affair (#4.10)" (2009)
Steve Smith: [after Roger accidentally calls Steve "Scotty"] Scotty?
Roger the Alien: That's my new nickname for you. Your favorite "Star Trek" character.
Steve Smith: What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.

Roger the Alien: You're putting me on your family plan?
Steve Smith: Roger, what Dad's trying to say is that you're a Smith. We couldn't start a new family plan without you.
Stan Smith: Steve's right. Steve also needs to learn how to keep his trap shut and let me finish my own moment. You defiled my moment, son. Right in front of my wife.

Steve Smith: [to Roger] I guess we all figured you'd be with Scottie. How is he by the way? Has he been worrying about whether having boners at night means he's gay? Because I have.

"American Dad!: Return of the Bling (#5.13)" (2010)
Steve Smith: [Roger bites off Stan's finger] Roger what'd you do that for! You already have the medal!
Roger: I don't know, they did it in the movie, I mean if we're gonna go for it, go for it

Steve Smith: [about Ronald Regan] But he's dead?
Stan Smith: But not unreachable
Steve Smith: Like Gandalf the Grey when it came back as Gandalf the White
Stan Smith: Oh son, every day with you is like a punch in the nads

Steve Smith: [Talking to Stan who's crying] I thought I heard you in here. Having a good old fashioned night cry? You want Mr. Cryserotops? That's right, feed him your tears. Yes, you're good with him.

"American Dad!: Black Mystery Month (#2.13)" (2007)
Steve Smith: Dad! When were you gonna tell me that you're part of the Illumi-nutty?
Stan Smith: Steve! That's crazy! I was never gonna tell you!

Steve Smith: [shouts] The monacle!

Guest speaker: The average white man thinks about sex every six minutes - but thinks about sex with a black man only once a year!
Steve Smith: I have no idea what he's talking about but I feel terrible.

"American Dad!: Virtual In-Stanity (#7.5)" (2011)
Steve Smith: Anyway, I'm going to go hit the sack. Then I'll probably go to bed.

Francine Smith: Stan, we just finally got Steve off the heroin from the last birthday present you gave him.
Steve Smith: I got so high.

Steve Smith: Let's make a baby. Yeah, sexy talk.

"American Dad!: A Piñata Named Desire (#6.11)" (2011)
Francine Smith: [to Stan and Roger] Enough! Can't we have one meal without you two getting into an angry singing contest? Why is everything a competition?
Hayley Smith: Yeah, you guys should just fuck and get it over with.
[everyone looks at her]
Hayley Smith: Clearly, they have repressed sexual feelings for each other that they're channeling into hostility.
Steve Smith: How's that Psych 101 class going?
Hayley Smith: It's only day three, but I understand how the whole world works now.

Steve Smith, Snot Lonstein, Barry Robinson, Toshi Yoshida: We all had a black friend!

Steve Smith: I don't know. Pepperoni doesn't seem like a last sleepover pizza. You know, because pepperoni starts out as one stick and then you have cut it all up. I fear it sends a message of separation more than unity.
Snot Lonstein: You're killing me!
Steve Smith: Don't bite my head off!
Barry Robinson: Yeah, don't bite his head off!
Snot Lonstein: Shut up, Barry! You're just going to eat all the pizza anyway.
Barry Robinson: Hey, don't lob factual statements at me as if they're insults!

"American Dad!: Finances with Wolves (#1.18)" (2006)
Hayley Smith: [about the mall] What kind of idiot would buy into this materialistic crap?
Steve Smith: And we widen to reveal...
Stan Smith: Look at all this cool stuff!

Steve Smith: Dad, I'm meeting the fellas at the movies. Can I have a few bucks for popcorn?
Stan Smith: [wearing a money suit] Do I look like I'm made of money?

Steve Smith: Are guys really think, I'm a werewolf.
[as Snot ties his hands behind his back with rope]
Snot: Well we can't take any chances, there's a full moon tonight.
[Barry and Toshi then hold up a gag and kimono]
Steve Smith: Wait a minute, I understand the rope. But what's the deal with the gag and kimono?
Barry: I don't know, but I walk into my parents, once and they were using all three.
Steve Smith: But there's no way I'm...
[Barry shoves gag into Steve's mouth]
[Boys stare at Barry shocked]
Barry: That's what my mom says to my dad.

"American Dad!: Stanny Boy and Frantastic (#6.10)" (2011)
Cam: I can not tell you guys how glad we are to have found you. The last couple we met was so boring.
Tom: Well that's because they are so old, I mean they were like 40.
Steve Smith: 40, ha well Lois was he from that village in china where they live forever?

Steve Smith: Get my tub of chalk. I'm gonna write some swear words in the driveway, blow off some steam.

"American Dad!: Spelling Bee My Baby (#8.14)" (2013)
Steve Smith: Ahw, what am I gonna to do?
Francine Smith: Well, you have two options; You can fall apart like a bitch punk in the street or you can Mark Zuckerberg this thing!
Steve Smith: You think?
Francine Smith: Yea, any man who ever did anything great was just trying to show up some piece of ass who didn't give him any.

Akiko Yoshida: [to Steve] It's not what you think. Your mother...
Steve Smith: Your mother!
Steve Smith: Steve, let me explain...
Akiko Yoshida: Your mother! I don't want to hear your lame excuses! I don't want to look at your stupid face!
Steve Smith: Fine. Forget it, jerk. I'm taking you down.
Akiko Yoshida: I'm already down. You don't give me comfortability problems anymore.

"American Dad!: Live and Let Fry (#4.11)" (2009)
Stan Smith: What the hell, Francine? This tastes like crap!
Francine Smith: I know. I used to cook everything in oil containing trans fat, but since the new law, you can't get it anymore.
Stan Smith: That's what trans fat is? The stuff that makes everything taste wonderful? Oh, why doesn't the city council just declare a war on flavor? Like the English did years ago!
Steve Smith: Their food is atrocious.
Francine Smith: I miss Lady Di.
Steve Smith: She was the people's princess...
Stan Smith: I know who she was, Steven!

Steve Smith: Hayley, here's what I know: I'm off to deliver food to the elderly to earn my gerontology badge. I have this bike helmet which crushes my ears, itches my head and gives me Bonnie Franklin hair. Now, why do I wear it? Because it's the law.

"American Dad!: For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls (#6.8)" (2010)
Steve Smith: Is it weird that I have a boner?
Stan Smith: It'd be weird if you didn't!

Santa Claus: I'm coming for you, Smiths! Hyah!
Steve Smith: How did he find us?
Jeff Fischer: Oh. I wrote him a letter telling him where he can deliver our presents.
Stan Smith: He's trying to kill us, you moron! You gave away our hiding spot!
Hayley Smith: Dad, stop it. He didn't know.
Stan Smith: He doesn't know anything! He's super dumb, Hayley. Jeff, please leave my family alone forever. Will you do me that kindness?
Hayley Smith: Dad!
Stan Smith: [as Jeff sadly leaves the cabin] He understood. It's a Christmas miracle.

"American Dad!: Finger Lenting Good (#8.8)" (2013)
Stan Smith: [to Steve] Weren't you supposed to quit crying for New Year's?
Steve Smith: [while crying] I'm sensitive! It's a desirable trait in some cultures.
Stan Smith: In France, maybe Oh, my God! Move to France! Go the hell to France!

Steve Smith: I don't feel that hung over. Guess I can handle my alcohol better than you guys.
Hayley Smith: Oh, yeah? Pubic hair and mayonnaise ice cream.
[Steve vomits]

"American Dad!: Dope and Faith (#3.3)" (2007)
Roger: I was just taking a midnight stroll when I saw what looked like a magical owl fly by and... oh! Look at that! It's right here, and it's carrying a letter!
[Steve opens the letter and gasps]
Roger: What does it say?
Steve Smith: It says I've been admitted to Hogwarts School of Wizardry! The gypsy was right! I am special!
Roger: [snickering] And here I was thinking you were just a gullible idiot.

Steve Smith: [walking in a carnival with Roger] You spent all your money trying to win a hat with antlers?
Roger: [angrily] I do not choose to discuss it.
Fortune Teller: [pointing at Steve] I see a very lucky boy.
Steve Smith: Wow, really? Will you tell my fortune?
Roger: Steve, before she tells you your future, let me tell you her past: forty years of alcoholism and three doctorless abortions.
Fortune Teller: You are a sad, angry little person.
Steve Smith: That's uncanny!
Fortune Teller: What would you like to know?
Steve Smith: Uhm... I don't know. I guess just if there's anything special about me or...
Fortune Teller: Yes! You are special. I - I see it!
Steve Smith: Wow!
Roger: Steve, she's just repeating whatever you say.
Steve Smith: You're just jealous because I'm special and you're not. You're boring and regular.
[walks off]
Roger: Uh! "Regular"? Oh, Steven... I'm going to hurt you so bad.
[to the fortune teller]
Roger: I got a question about the future: you see yourself taking a shower ever?

"American Dad!: 100 A.D. (#6.1)" (2010)
Steve Smith: Hey, Roger, a missing remote. Looks like another case for...
Steve Smith, Roger: [both] Wheels and the Legman!
Klaus: Enough!
Roger: What the hell's your problem?
Klaus: Every "Wheels and the Legman" is the same. You pick a boring case, you bicker, then you solve it. The solution usually being that Roger is the culprit.
Roger: It's true. I've got the remote right here.

Roger: We just saying the first thing that pops into our mind? Ticklemonster
Steve Smith: I know Dad, I put up with this every day at the agency
Roger: Your Ghost Dad's not here!
Steve Smith: Oh no, then who's possessing me?
[Steve stands up out of the wheelchair and slaps Roger repeatedly]
Roger: Stop it, stop it Wheels, Wheels, stop it Wheels' father
[Steve stops and Roger gasps]

"American Dad!: Stan Knows Best (#1.3)" (2005)
[Roger must play a burn victim in front of Steve's crush]
Roger the Alien: I even watched the latest Meg Ryan movie where she played that burn victim.
Steve Smith: She never played a burn victim.
[Steve walks off]
Roger the Alien: Oh, Meg, honey...

[Family is playing Scrabble]
Steve Smith: Quivecs? That's not a word.
Roger the Alien: It is on my planet!
Francine Smith: Is it a proper noun?
Roger the Alien: Damn!
[rearranges letters]

"American Dad!: Cops & Roger (#5.14)" (2010)
Roger: Steve, you have to help me. I can't stop thinking about what happened. Francine got mugged and I just sat there. I was useless and pathetic and weak. How do you live with yourself when you feel that way?
Steve Smith: I guess most people just...
Roger: No, I'm talking about you specifically. How do you, Steve, live with yourself?
Steve Smith: Charming. This side of you is charming.

Steve Smith: You joined the police academy, Roger? Sounds pretty bad-ass.
Francine Smith: Steve, language!
Roger: Shut the fuck up, Frannie. The boy's expressing himself.

"American Dad!: School Lies (#6.14)" (2011)
Stan Smith: Steve, your mom and I are paying a lot of money for you to go to this school.
Steve Smith: More like so you can go! All you care about is taking me there so you can be friends with that senator.
Stan Smith: Friends? Did he use that word?
Steve Smith: God, you're embarrassing! But you're gonna be way more embarrassed if you make me go back there. I'll act like a wolfman.
Stan Smith: No, you won't.
Steve Smith: I'm a wolfman. My dad is Stan Smith. Don't put him on any task forces!
Stan Smith: You wouldn't do that!
Steve Smith: And I'd pant real fast! Wear makeup under the eyes. Is that what you want, Dad? You know I got the pipes!
[makes a howling noise and the monster hunter breaks through the window]
Monster Hunter: Die, demon of the night!
Stan Smith: I was joking!
Steve Smith: He was joking!
Monster Hunter: What? Don't joke about that.
Steve Smith: I won't!
Stan Smith: We won't!
Monster Hunter: I do a serious job. I don't need this.
Stan Smith: We really appreciate everything you do.

Steve Smith: [after seeing a dog on the street] Sandy!
Chris the Bum: His name is Ronald! You trying to rename my dog? This guy's trying to rename my dog!

"American Dad!: Delorean Story-An (#4.16)" (2009)
Steve Smith: You don't know how to blow a bubble?
Stan Smith: And you don't know how to make love to a woman, not everyone knows how to do everything okay Steve!

Steve Smith: Don't think anyone's gonna pick up a half naked 42 year old and his young boy companion, just saying

"American Dad!: Every Which Way But Lose (#4.17)" (2009)
Steve: Wait a second, that's it! I can sign up for the footballs team! Dad loves sports! I bet he'd love to watch me play!
Roger Smith: Steve, look at those kids. They're athletes. When was the last time you ran anywhere? I mean with your own legs, not by pressing 'X'?

Stan Smith: Look at this! We're having a father/son moment.
Steve: [punches Stan in the groin] Quit ruining it!

"American Dad!: Lincoln Lover (#2.4)" (2006)
Steve Smith: I thought we hated gays.
Stan Smith: Well, that was before I knew they came in Republican form.

Steve Smith: [to Francine] God, you can be so selfish! I'm doing this for me!

"American Dad!: Stan of Arabia: Part 1 (#1.12)" (2005)
Hayley Smith: Steve, come on! I'm supposed to meet the neighbor's son in 20 minutes!
Steve Smith: You know the rule. Say it, and I'll escort you to the bazaar.
Hayley Smith: [sighs] You're the manliest man in the history of manly men.
Steve Smith: And?
Hayley Smith: And when you're in your late 30s, you may have a chance at convincing a long-time female friend to have awkward pity-sex with you, once.
Steve Smith: Aww yeah!

Steve Smith: Come on, Hayley. You're going to the movies with Jeff, anyway. Just give me a ride.
Hayley Smith: You know the rule.
Steve Smith: [sighs] You're the most environmentally-conscious, self-actualized feminist in the world...
Hayley Smith: And?
Steve Smith: And I'm a douchebag.

"American Dad!: It's Good to Be the Queen (#1.19)" (2006)
Mitch: What delivering pizzas has taught me, is that Easy Street is not always the best route.
Steve Smith: So true...
Roger the Alien: When someone starts a sentence with "What delivering pizzas has taught me", that's usually the go-ahead to tune out.

Steve Smith: Sorry my... um... war veteran uncle here blew up your car
Mitch: No matter. A car is merely a means of transporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived, for they contain the dough of life
Roger the Alien: [Pretending to wake up] Um, I'm sorry... I drifted off. Are you on Thorazine? What the hell? I mean, wha - what year is it? Who's president?
Steve Smith: Roger! Mitch, if you can't finish your route, won't you lose your job?
Mitch: Perhaps. For lo, when a pie reaches not its destination, a trust is broken forever
Roger the Alien: Yeah... Look, Kung Fu, I prefer my crazy in my bread.
[starts to eat a corn dog]

"American Dad!: The American Dad After School Special (#2.2)" (2006)
Steve Smith: She played Lady Macbeth in our school production of Oklahoma. Frankly, it was a mess, but our drama teacher finally got sober. Thank God!

"American Dad!: Star Trek (#1.15)" (2005)
Steve Smith: [Giving advice to a fan] It's real easy. Just write something and it'll get published. Any idiot can do it.

"American Dad!: Independent Movie (#9.6)" (2013)
Steve Smith: [Sees Snot has made it to the funeral] Just drive.
Trucker: A railroad gypsy took my vas deferens but you, boy, are just bumming me out.

"American Dad!: G-String Circus (#5.8)" (2009)
Steve Smith: [to Roger] Maybe you should go to fat camp. Damn! Because you're taking up so much space right now. Oh, damn!

"American Dad!: Home Wrecker (#6.17)" (2011)
Steve Smith: OK, so Megan Fox and Seth Rogen come out of a room containing only one chair. Do you sniff the chair?

"American Dad!: A Jones for a Smith (#5.11)" (2010)
Steve Smith: [to Stan] I had a sure thing, old man!
[kicks him]

"American Dad!: Faking Bad (#9.7)" (2013)
Steve Smith: Steve Gutenberg invented the printing press?

"American Dad!: Tears of a Clooney (#1.23)" (2006)
Stanley Smith: Time for cake.
Klaus: I get the piece with the rose on it. I called it. You heard.
Steve Smith: Mom, cut me an end piece!
Hayley Smith: How can you even think about eating that cake? Do you realize how many innocent cows were raped... or as you say "milked," to make that cake?
Stanley Smith: Shut up, Hayley.

"American Dad!: Great Space Roaster (#5.18)" (2010)
Steve Smith: Mum you are not smart, I don't tell Your Mama's so dumb jokes, I tell My Mama's so dumb for example My Mama's so dumb I don't tell Your Mama's so dumb jokes, I tell My Mama's so dumb

"American Dad!: Pilot (#1.1)" (2005)
Stanley Smith: Hillary, look out for the mine!
Stanley Smith: What did I say? You heard me, what did I say?
Steve Smith: You said look out for the mine.
Stanley Smith: I said look out for the mine.

"American Dad!: Daddy Queerest (#4.19)" (2009)
Steve Smith: [drunk] What up, you ass face bitches? You stupid-ass honky fuckin' faggots?

"American Dad!: Man in the Moonbounce (#5.5)" (2009)
Steve Smith: We're doing an outer space party. We're gonna have our faces painted like aliens and everything.
Roger the Alien: Oh, white people in alien face? Running around going, "Beep boop bop." This what you do when there's no alien in the room? How would you feel if I made fun of you? "Oh, uh, I'm human. I'm from planet Earth. I think I'm coming down with a cold." Hurts, don't it?

"American Dad!: The People vs. Martin Sugar (#6.7)" (2010)
Jeff Fischer: [after Jeff is caught masturbating in the bathroom by Francine and Klaus] I'm sorry, but when I'm not smoking pot, I suffer from HLS, Hyperactive Libido Syndrome. When it hits, I got to get busy right away.
Francine Smith: If you're gonna do that in this house, you'll do it where everyone else in this family does it: in Steve's bed.
Steve Smith: [off-screen] What?

"American Dad!: Dr. Klaustus (#7.13)" (2012)
Steve Smith: Au revoir, les enfants. That means *BEEP* you!

"American Dad!: Morning Mimosa (#10.11)" (2015)
Suze: You know what I just realized, this kid has no mom. If he died here today there would be no mommy to morn him.
Trish: And no mommy to press charges.
Steve Smith: How did this get so dark?

"American Dad!: Stan of Arabia: Part 2 (#1.13)" (2005)
Steve Smith: [Steve is wandering through the Saudi Arabian Desert and is delirious]
Steve Smith: OK, I'm cool. Whatever life throws at me I can handle. Because I, am a strong, independent black woman... I mean white teenager!

"American Dad!: Four Little Words (#2.15)" (2007)
Steve Smith: [Steve and Hayley call Roger out on his identity fraud] Roger, we can't keep doing this.
Hayley Smith: Yeah, I mean, it's stealing.
Roger: Oh, oh, excuse me, are you an ethicist? Are you? Is there an ethicist in the house?
Ethicist: I'm an ethicist.
Roger: Well, screw you, I'm Kevin Bacon!

"American Dad!: The 42-Year-Old Virgin (#3.6)" (2007)
Randy: Isn't playing "Popcorn" fun?
Snot: Something doesn't seem right here.
Steve Smith: Yeah. At the very least we should've popped by now.
Randy: I'm the salt. All kernels have to wrestle me to get salted.

"American Dad!: Oedipal Panties (#3.11)" (2008)
Steve Smith: Everyone? You told me you hadn't been touched in 6 years.
Klaus: Yea, and you took the hundred dollars. No one's a saint here.

"American Dad!: The Magnificent Steven (#2.18)" (2007)
Stan Smith: [driven mad by the tainted beef he's eating] You boys see these owls?
[starting to swat at invisible owls]
Stan Smith: Get out of here, owls! Stop pecking at my face, I will not buy your encyclopedias! I can't read your language, I can only speak it!
[starts to screech]
Steve Smith: Okay, that's weird.
Snot: You know, this would never have happened if we went to my house after school, but no!, you guys are too creeped out by my mom's wooden foot.

"American Dad!: Gorillas in the Mist (#6.19)" (2011)
Steve Smith: [after learning that Bobo the Gorilla wants him to stay with him overnight] I don't wanna die from Gorilla sex!

"American Dad!: Merlot Down Dirty Shame (#5.15)" (2010)
Amy: I'm not gonna kiss you with my top on
[removes her shirt]
Amy: [Steve's alarm sounds]
Steve Smith: No Amy! I have so much horniness to give!

"American Dad!: Roger Codger (#1.5)" (2005)
Steve Smith: Don't you have any feelings?
Stanley Smith: Son, feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries.

"American Dad!: Season's Beatings (#7.7)" (2011)
Steve Smith: [while possessed by Nemo] Mene mene tekel. Satana satana.
Hayley Smith: Mom, Steve's acting weird again.
Francine Smith: Steve, stop babbling at your sister in Aramaic. It's a dead language.