Francine Smith
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Quotes for
Francine Smith (Character)
from "American Dad!" (2005)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"American Dad!: Season's Beatings (#7.7)" (2011)
Francine Smith: We're grandparents!
Stan Smith: Steve was raped by a confused lesbian?

Francine Smith: Mohammad Ali changed religions and became Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Francine Smith: I have grandchildren? Oh, my God, I can't believe it! I thought my only chance was if Steve got raped by a confused lesbian.

Francine Smith: Oh, Hayley, stop! Your bitch-crying is going to be in the background of this entire video.

Stan Smith: I don't want another religion, I want my religion.
Francine Smith: I know, honey, but the thing is, you already kind of screwed yourself there.

Steve Smith: [while possessed by Nemo] Mene mene tekel. Satana satana.
Hayley Smith: Mom, Steve's acting weird again.
Francine Smith: Steve, stop babbling at your sister in Aramaic. It's a dead language.

Francine Smith: Steve, I just did a big Trader Joe's run. Pour yourself some unsweetened cherry juice. Maybe have it with some sunflower paste on a flax crisp. There's also a scallop shu mai that tastes like nothing and a mushroom flatbread pizza that smells like nut sack.

"American Dad!: Great Space Roaster (#5.18)" (2010)
Francine Smith: [to Stan] You have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self righteousness of Sean Penn and the embarrassing hypocrisy of Rush Linbar, you're almost as bad as Rachel Ray

Francine Smith: [Alarms are going off] Stan what's happening!
Stan Smith: Not much, what's happening with you?

Roger the Alien: I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy
Francine Smith: I just feel so sad for those poor actors

Roger the Alien: Why? What did I ever do to make you say those incredibly hurtful things?
Stan Smith: Are you serious?
Roger the Alien: Do I look like I'm not serious!
Francine Smith: This is what you wanted
Roger the Alien: You stay away from me Francine! You all stay away!

Francine Smith: Roger,you're the most disgusting,out of shape piece of shit I've ever met,and I know Sammy Hagar.

Roger the Alien: I guess you had to come out of, or regularly visit- Francine's clown hole to matter around this place!
Francine Smith: It *is* a happening spot.

"American Dad!: Con Heir (#1.11)" (2005)
Francine Smith: [after finding out Stan's been lying about his father] I can't believe you lied to me all these years.
Stan Smith: And the best part is I'm still lying about a bunch of other stuff!

Francine Smith: Oh, Stan, you're probably just having a midlife crisis. Do you wanna cheat on me?
Stan Smith: A mistress on my salary, Francine? Come on!

Stan Smith: This awesome man is Jack Smith, my real father!
Francine Smith: Say WHAAAAT?

Francine Smith: What kind of man abandons his family for 20 years?
Stan Smith: The manliest man, he'll do you right, seriously? you should be having sex with him, I don't think he's asleep, I can get him for you

Francine Smith: You're the richest guy in the world because you have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Stan Smith: I'm the richest
[pretending to be on his cell phone]
Stan Smith: Hello Bill Gates turns out I'm the richest guy in the world because I have an adoring wife and a loving family , hello UNICEF
Francine Smith: I get it.
Stan Smith: I'd like to donate some of my immense riches, you mean children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you!

Francine Smith: You quit your job!
Stan Smith: Francine I have a chance to join the Scarlet Alliance.
Francine Smith: You mean you haven't got the job yet!
Stan Smith: Francine I'm going to be rich in adventure
Francine Smith: Rich in adventure!
[Pretends to be on the phone]
Francine Smith: Hello MasterCard do you take payment in the form of adventure, hello colleges I'd like to pay my son's tuition, I don't have any money but my husband is rich in adventure!
Stan Smith: Well what'd they say.

"American Dad!: Spelling Bee My Baby (#8.14)" (2013)
Steve Smith: Aw, what am I gonna to do?
Francine Smith: Well, you have two options: You can fall apart like a bitch punk in the street or you can Mark Zuckerberg this thing!
Steve Smith: You think?
Francine Smith: Yeah. Any man who ever did anything great was just trying to show up some piece of ass who didn't give him any.

Francine Smith: Oh, come on, Hiko. Let 'em have some fun. College is years away.
Hiko Yoshida: That attitude is why my children will attend Harvard while Steve will be lucky to be wait-listed at an online, offshore college.
Francine Smith: Oh, you whore.

Greg Corbin: [after Greg and Terry tell Francine about them preparing Libby for college] You gotta start early if your child is going to be exceptional. It's the only way to get into the Ivies, but don't worry, Francine. Hayley turned out fine.
[he and Terry snicker]
Francine Smith: You guys are both bitches!

Francine Smith: [to Hiko] My son's gonna win the National Spelling Bee.
Hiko Yoshida: Ha! That's impossible because Akiko is going to win. She's already won at her private school in Maryland and if Steve does make it to Nationals, Akiko will be there to crush him.
Francine Smith: No, Steve is gonna be the one who destroys Akiko. Your skin is amazing. I can't tell how old you are.

Akiko Yoshida: [after Francine kidnaps Akiko and traps her in the basement] Let me out of here!
Francine Smith: I'll let you out when Steve's a national champion. Here's a Nintendo to keep you busy.
Akiko Yoshida: My mother says video games are bad for you.
Francine Smith: Yeah, well, so is smoking an eight ball of crack in 30 minutes, but that's how long it takes.

"American Dad!: The Unbrave One (#7.8)" (2012)
Francine Smith: Stan, I'm late for my period.
Stan Smith: Maybe if you jump up and down... get things started.

Francine Smith: Listen, I don't want a baby either. Trading sushi and bourbon for hemorrhoids and swollen boobs. Screw that.

Francine Smith: [to Steve] If you lived in Fresno you'd be a father by now.

Stan Smith: [to Francine] So did you take the pregnancy test?
Francine Smith: I did.
Stan Smith: And? Am I going to be a father again?
Stan Smith: Well, I didn't have a home pregnancy test, so I had to take one online. I'm waiting for the doctor to e-mail me back with the results.
Stan Smith: How do you take a pregnancy test over the computer?
Francine Smith: Well, per instruction, I first took several pictures of my genitals.
Stan Smith: You what?
Francine Smith: And then one of me peeing on a teddy bear and sent them to the doctor.
Stan Smith: I-I don't think, uh, that that-that's that's real.
Francine Smith: He's a legitimate doctor, Stan. See for yourself.
[shows Stan the website; the computer beeps]
Francine Smith: That must be the result. Oh, God, here goes.
[reads her results]
Francine Smith: Oh. Dr. Vadgers says my lab work requires more information. He needs to see my boobs popping out of a cheerleading outfit.
[Stan looks at her]
Francine Smith: I know what you're thinking. What is the boob test going to tell him that the butthole test didn't? He's just being super careful.

Francine Smith: Yeah! I just got the biggest, bloodiest period of all time!

"American Dad!: The People vs. Martin Sugar (#6.7)" (2010)
Francine Smith: Man, you got me thinking about weed now. That stuff makes me want to drink so much soda. I smoke a bone, then I drain a two-liter of Sunkist in like a second. Freaks people out.

Stan Smith: Now, while I'm gone, I need you to manage my fantasy basketball team.
Francine Smith: Can I make any trades?
Stan Smith: No. Just set the lineup.
Francine Smith: Stan, you need a power forward.
Stan Smith: I have Dirk Nowitzki.
Francine Smith: He's soft, Stan. You need a thug. You need Ron Artest.
Stan Smith: I don't want Ron Artest. You know what, forget it. I'll have Steve set my lineup.
Francine Smith: Fine. Let that nerd set your lineup. Watch you lose.

Jeff Fischer: [after Jeff is caught masturbating in the bathroom by Francine and Klaus] I'm sorry, but when I'm not smoking pot, I suffer from HLS, Hyperactive Libido Syndrome. When it hits, I got to get busy right away.
Francine Smith: If you're gonna do that in this house, you'll do it where everyone else in this family does it: in Steve's bed.
Steve Smith: [off-screen] What?

Francine Smith: Hayley, I think we need to have a little mother-daughter talk.
Hayley Smith: Okay.
Francine Smith: Your husband's "condition" is way out of control. Bottom line, you need to start satisfying him more, sweetie.
Hayley Smith: But, Mom, I satisfy him all the time.
Francine Smith: Well, then you got to do it better. Get creative, Hayley. Use your pinky.
Hayley Smith: I'm using my pinky, Mom.
Francine Smith: I don't think you're using your pinky.
Hayley Smith: I told you I'm using it.
Francine Smith: But are you really using your pinky? I don't think so!
[brings out a tub of lube]
Francine Smith: Get. Up. In. There.

Stan Smith: [to Francine] Where's Steve? I want to see how my fantasy basketball team is doing.
Francine Smith: Well, he understood the fantasy part, but had no idea what basketball was. He tried to add three griffins and an orc to your roster.
Stan Smith: Fucking nerd.

"American Dad!: Homeland Insecurity (#1.6)" (2005)
Francine Smith: I was finally making friends, Stan. How could you ruin my party?
Stan Smith: It was easy. I just yelled "Terrorist!" and everyone ran away. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were asking, how did I ruin your party? And I'm like, you were there, baby. You had a front row seat.

Linda: [holds up glass] To new friends.
Francine Smith: You guys, I have a confession to make. This wasn't a theme party. I was just covering for Stan.
Bob: Sweetheart, we know. We've encountered people like him before.
Francine Smith: You have?!
Bob: Oh, sure. But I gotta say, even though Stan's a suspicious, xenophobic vigilante, he's still a hundred times better than our last neighbors.
Bob: They were black.

Francine Smith: Stan, let them out. This isn't funny.
Stan Smith: Oh, oh, Linda's making a run for the gate!
[Electrified noise, Linda screams]
Stan Smith: Come on, Francine. You can't tell me that's not funny.

Stan Smith: So, what part of Islam do you hail from?
Bob: Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.
Stan Smith: Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.
Francine Smith: So, the block party starts at 3:00pm and goes 'till question mark. It's pot luck, so bring whatever you want.
Stan Smith: But not smallpox.
Stan Smith: Kidding. Kind of joking, but not really.

Francine Smith: Say hi to Betty for me!
Tuttle: Oh, I would, but she died six months ago. The big C.
Francine Smith: Cancer?
Tuttle: No, the big letter C from the Coca-Cola sign. Fell right on top of her.

"American Dad!: Virtual In-Stanity (#7.5)" (2011)
Francine Smith: Stan, we just finally got Steve off the heroin from the last birthday present you gave him.
Steve Smith: I got so high.

Francine Smith: [to Stan] Steve's at the age where he doesn't care about going to a ballgame with his dad. All he's interested in is girls. He doesn't want ballgames, he just wants to ball dames. Huh? Huh?

Francine Smith: [while on the phone to Stan] Bitch, did you just hang up on...?
[Stan hangs up on her]

Francine Smith: [When Francine goes over to the CIA to find Stan] Stan, this is the last time you put work before Steve!
Avery Bullock: He's actually with Steve right now.
Francine Smith: What? So Stan's at the dance?
Avery Bullock: No, he's here, but he's remotely controlling a teen girl at the dance who's about to get sex-pummeled by your son.
Francine Smith: What?
Avery Bullock: It's a lot like "Avatar."
Francine Smith: Like what?
Avery Bullock: Avatar. It's a movie?

Francine Smith: [while Francine fights with Stan, who is inside the avatar] I can't believe you'd do this, Stan! This stops now!
Stan Smith: Get out of here, Francine. This is the only way I can remain close to Steve. We were finally spending quality time together and then he was gonna dump me for that nerd, and I just won't lose him again! Must get plowed by son.
Francine Smith: No, Stan, this isn't the way! You might've missed his first 14 years, but you can still be there for his next 14.
Stan Smith: He's gonna die at 28?
Francine Smith: Maybe. Maybe sooner.

"American Dad!: Finances with Wolves (#1.18)" (2006)
Francine Smith: This man's given me something you haven't for a long time.
Stan Smith: We've talked about this. My neck gets tired.
Francine Smith: I'm talking about respect, Stan.
Stan Smith: Oh my God, you respected her? You're dead, Klaus!

Francine Smith: You know, you seem very familiar. Have we met before?
Klaus: [nervously] Oh, you know, I'm just one of those black Germans that seems familiar to everyone, hmm?

Francine Smith: You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.
Stan Smith: You made all this in one day?
Francine Smith: That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.

Francine Smith: Stan, I did some research on that kiosk at the mall. If you gave me $5,000 of your bonus, I could start a business selling my muffins. I think there's a real market for...
Stan Smith: Ooh, ooh, uh, I... I'm sorry... sorry to interrupt, but, uh, real quick, this is the worst idea I've ever heard. Never gonna happen, but, please, keep going.
Francine Smith: Oh, just forget it!
Stan Smith: Great call, Francine.

Francine Smith: Stan, it's great the CIA gave you that $20,000 bonus for "Most Evasive Testimony to Congress," but at this rate, it'll be gone in no time.
Stan Smith: Hey, if I don't buy all this crap, the terrorists win! And don't tell me it's not a competition, because it SO is.

"American Dad!: Star Trek (#1.15)" (2005)
Francine Smith: Anything for me?
Stanley Smith: Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap. Hey, it's from me.

Francine Smith: The only good hairdresser in town is Mr Beauregard, and it's impossible to get an appointment unless you know somebody.
Klaus: But Francine, you do know somebody. You know Roger. Oh, wait, he's just a nobody.
Roger the Alien: [gasps] Don't... cry... in front of the fish!

Stanley Smith: Francine, your roots are showing!
Francine Smith: I know. My hairdresser lost his touch when he decided he was straight. Apparently, it is a choice.

Francine Smith: [to Steve] You bastard! That's what I said to my old ugly hairdo. What's wrong, honey?
Steve Smith: Aw, I hate being a famous author. Do I really have to go on Cap'n Monty's?
Francine Smith: Oh. Well, no. I suppose not.
Steve Smith: Thanks, Mom.
Francine Smith: Oh, Steve, just curious. When did you stop loving Mommy?
Steve Smith: What?
Francine Smith: 'Cause if you loved me, you wouldn't want me to have ugly hair, but do whatever makes you happy. I have to go put some ointment on that hideous cesarean scar I have because of you.
Steve Smith: But Hayley was the cesarean.
Francine Smith: Oh, that's right. With you, I just tore from my "V" to my "A." Good night.

"American Dad!: A Jones for a Smith (#5.11)" (2010)
Francine Smith: [to a police officer] Oh, come on. I live right there. Can't you just give me a break, pig-fucker?
Officer Figpucker: That is not my name, ma'am.
[points to his name tag which says "Officer Figpucker"]
Francine Smith: Oh! Oh, forgive me, Officer Figpucker.

Stan Smith: [to Francine as she's in jail] So have you traded bras with your cell mate yet?
Francine Smith: What?
Stan Smith: Like at summer camp.
Francine Smith: You think girls trade bras at summer camp?
Stan Smith: I would. I'd get rid of my ratty old beige bras and trade up for something lacy.

Francine Smith: You can't speak ill of Oprah. Val Kilmer bad-mouthed Oprah and now he's slowly turning into a pumpkin.

Hayley Smith: [after Stan is checked out of rehab] Mom, while we're here I really think I should check myself in for my pot problem.
Francine Smith: Just stop it, Hayley.

"American Dad!: Stan Knows Best (#1.3)" (2005)
Francine Smith: How's your French toast, honey?
Stanley Smith: Smelly and ungrateful! But this "American toast" is fantastic!

Francine Smith: How's everyone's French toast?
Stanley Smith: Smelly and ungrateful! But this American toast is delicious.

[At her new stripping job, Hayley's parents stay to watch]
Stanley Smith: Shake it, baby! You will not break it!
Francine Smith: It took me nine months to make it!

[Family is playing Scrabble]
Steve Smith: Quivecs? That's not a word.
Roger the Alien: It is on my planet!
Francine Smith: Is it a proper noun?
Roger the Alien: Damn!
[rearranges letters]

"American Dad!: Family Affair (#4.10)" (2009)
Francine Smith: Yeah, I killed my college roommate. I can't believe you didn't know that. I stabbed her.

Stan Smith: [about Roger's girlfriend] Anyone else kind of hoping she's a midget?
Francine Smith: Well, now that you've put the image in my head, yes, but not the Verne Troyer kind. That's too midgety.

Francine Smith: My women's intuition picked up on this five days ago and I mistook it for ghosts.

Francine Smith: [to Roger] Go back to your whore family!

"American Dad!: My Morning Straitjacket (#5.7)" (2009)
Francine Smith: Stan, all you ever feel is anger. Why is that the only emotion you can express?
Stan Smith: Because people make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything! Now, pass me the fucking sweet potatoes!

Hayley Smith: What is Dad's problem with music?
Francine Smith: Well, music makes you feel things and your dad's a bit of an emotional tight-ass and a literal one.

Francine Smith: [to Hayley] I went to a few concerts when I was your age. I'd get backstage all the time. Of course back then, you really had to work for it not like today with all these sissy radio giveaways. "Oh, you're caller 96. Bravo!" Fit that whole phone in your mouth, you might have been able to hang with my crew.

Francine Smith: Hayley, what are we gonna do about your dad? He's really obsessed with this band.
Hayley Smith: [after getting trapped in the pool by Stan] Didn't you hear me, Mom? I've been screaming "help" for an hour. Thank God the pool guy came.

"American Dad!: Big Trouble in Little Langley (#3.4)" (2007)
Francine Smith: Hayley, your cold sore is leaking into the mashed potatoes.
Hayley: That's the last time I use a lipstick I found on the bus.
Francine Smith: No one's buying that, honey.

Francine Smith: You were right, Stan. I want to meet my real parents.
Stan Smith: Don't worry, honey. I'll find them, no matter how long it takes. They'll be here at 6:00.

Francine Smith: Oh, my God! Our house!
Stan Smith: Nothing to worry about. Just your average greasy Chinese duck fire.
Francine Smith: Is everyone okay? Steve? Hayley? Roger?
Stan Smith: Everyone's fine.
Francine Smith: [sees Klaus] Oh, and... and Klaus. Is Klaus okay? He's the only one I really care about.
Klaus: Too late, Francine. Too fucking late.

"American Dad!: The Vacation Goo (#3.1)" (2007)
Francine Smith: Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!
Steve Smith: We could go skiing!
Stan Smith: Or, here's an alternate pitch. Uh, stay here, watch the Duke game - just hear me out - I order boneless wings from KFC - hang on to that thought, Hayley - I take a long bath and then, wait for it... none of you are here!
Francine Smith: Or - just hear me out - we stay home and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off, I'll slam a book on your testicles.
Steve Smith: [pause] Did someone say skiing?

Francine Smith: Nothing bonds a family like a dark, horrible secret.

Roger: [to the song "Xanadu"] Xanadu/Can't cry on cue/Now I am here in Xanadu
[to an older lady]
Roger: Here you go, ma'am, I talked to the chef. There's no cream in the soup, just like you asked for.
[back to the song]
Roger: Xanadu... !
Francine Smith: Roger's playing Olivia Newton-John on our cruise ship? Oh, this has Goo written all over it!

"American Dad!: Tears of a Clooney (#1.23)" (2006)
[Francine is preparing to kill George Clooney with an axe]
Stanley Smith: Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell Francine? What is this really about? I mean I hate Susan Serandon but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just... cut my hair different for a while.
Francine Smith: What is this about? Just look at that **** with cucumbers on his eyes. Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
Stanley Smith: Oh God! This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
Francine Smith: [stunned] Midlife crisis... wait, future senator?
Francine Smith: Oh I will ******* chop his head in two!
Stanley Smith: Francine, don't you see. Sure, Clooney has no cares, no-one that depends on him, but... he HAS no one that DEPENDS on him! But you; you have a family. A son, a daughter...
Francine Smith: ...and a husband, who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Stanley Smith: Of course! I assumed you did!
[both laugh hysterically]
Francine Smith: I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
[both turn and stare at Clooney]
Francine Smith: You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.

Francine Smith: I have a new dream now. You wanna know what it is? You really wanna know?
Stanley Smith: Eh.
Francine Smith: My dream... is to destroy George Clooney. That arrogant, overrated, memo-writing bastard! He's not even an actor! He just does the same cheesy move every time. Looks down, then looks back up squinting underneath his eyebrows. And everybody's buying it! God, if I just had the chance. I know exactly how I'd bring him down. You see, Clooney's never fallen in love. It's always a fling here, a fling there. Well, I'd make him fall in love with *me*. And then I'd break his heart and watch him cry until his eyeballs bleed!
Stanley Smith: Francine, I'm sorry, but that's the craziest most unsettling thing I've ever heard in my entire life. And we're totally gonna make it happen!

Raina: As you can see, Mrs. Smith we are positioned directly across the street from Clooney's hotel.
Francine Smith: Are they building a basketball court in his hotel room?
Raina: Clooney has it written into all of his movie contracts.
Francine Smith: What do the Coen brothers see in him?
[Francine punches her fist through a glass window]

"American Dad!: Family Plan (#12.17)" (2017)
Francine: When you're family, you connect on a whole other level. You guys wouldn't understand.
Steve: We HAVE a family... THIS one!

Steve: [after learning that Cassandra committed suicide] Momma, the man said someone died upstairs. What if I see a g-g-g-ghost?
Francine: [Mockingly] I don't know Steve, you'll probably p-p-p-piss your pants!

Francine: [to Stan, After faking her death] Dry those bitch tears and tongue kiss me you big galoot.

"American Dad!: The Kidney Stays in the Picture (#7.16)" (2012)
Francine Smith: [after Kelly orders drinks] Oh, no.
Kelly: That's right: Ultimate Kellys.
Hayley Smith: What's... what's in it?
Kelly: Don't worry about it. Let's just say it's why Montel Williams has M.S.

Francine Smith: Stan, I know you're upset.
Stan Smith: Upset? I'm just now finding out my daughter might not even be mine. I can't believe it. I mean, I changed her diapers, I fed her, I clothed her, I got her braces, I sent her to college. Holy shit, that guy owes me so much money.

Francine Smith: [while she and Stan are at a nightclub back in the '90s] Oh, remember this place, Stan? Right over there I slipped on a Beanie Baby and tore my flannel shirt 'cause it was the '90s, you see.

"American Dad!: Bully for Steve (#5.16)" (2010)
Francine Smith: [to Steve] I'm not good for you, you're so frustrating, I'm gonna go to SeaWorld, punch a dolphin

Francine Smith: Steve, I know I said violence was never the answer, but it has just become the answer. I'm gonna teach you how to kick your father's ass!
Steve Smith: Good! That ass needs a pounding!
Francine Smith: Yeah. That's what your father said last night.

Francine Smith: [to Stan] You followed Steve all day?
Stan Smith: Yeah. I do stuff like that. Followed you last week. I don't know what you thought was in your butthole in the Target parking lot, but you were... you were really trying to find it.

"American Dad!: The Wrestler (#7.12)" (2012)
Francine Smith: You don't want to be here after closing... that's when they come to life.

Francine Smith: I take the tour everyday. Except for Sundays when the tour is free, and the place gets a little
Francine Smith: ethnic.

"American Dad!: The Dentist's Wife (#11.12)" (2016)
Francine Smith: Roger, what the hell did you do? Where's Meredith?
Roger: Francine, everything's fine now. I put her on a barge, and now I'm her.
Francine Smith: A barge? You can't take someone's life like this!
Roger: Oh, Franny, we'd draw pictures with red oceans and green skies and be who we wanted! And then play in the sprinklers till Mama called us for supper.
Francine Smith: Are you having a stroke right now? Forget it. I'm stopping this.
Roger: That's barge talk, Francine.
Francine Smith: Roger, I am not going to sit here and
[Foghorn blares; Cut to Francine on a barge]
Francine Smith: Son of a bitch! He barged me.

Francine Smith: Meredith, are you okay?
Meredith: Some lunatic kidnapped me and dumped me here.
Francine Smith: Yeah, that's my friend. She's stolen your life. She's running your gala. Oh, and she may be having relations with your husband.
Meredith: No! My gala!

"American Dad!: Stanny Slickers II: The Legend of Ollie's Gold (#3.15)" (2008)
Francine Smith: Stan, can you please talk to your daughter. Look at her!
Stan Smith: My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant!
Hayley Smith: It's just a nose ring.
Stan Smith: It's a gateway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.
Francine Smith: [to Hayley] Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche

Stan Smith: If I had died in that crash today, who would remember me?
Francine Smith: I would.
Stan Smith: That's right. Nobody.

"American Dad!: Rapture's Delight (#5.9)" (2009)
Francine Smith: Stan Smith... go to Heaven!

Francine Smith: [while watching everyone ascend] What's going on?
Father Donovan: It's the Rapture. Turns out there really IS a God.

"American Dad!: Live and Let Fry (#4.11)" (2009)
Stan Smith: What the hell, Francine? This tastes like crap!
Francine Smith: I know. I used to cook everything in oil containing trans fat, but since the new law, you can't get it anymore.
Stan Smith: That's what trans fat is? The stuff that makes everything taste wonderful? Oh, why doesn't the city council just declare a war on flavor? Like the English did years ago!
Steve Smith: Their food is atrocious.
Francine Smith: I miss Lady Di.
Steve Smith: She was the people's princess...
Stan Smith: I know who she was, Steven!

Francine Smith: [to Stan] Honey, what's the matter? What is it? I'm pregnant, aren't I? That's it, isn't it? I'm pregnant! You told me I was on the pill!
Stan Smith: No, you're not pregnant, thank God. I wouldn't want to bring a child into a world where I can't get any more trans fat.

"American Dad!: Stannie Get Your Gun (#1.14)" (2005)
Francine Smith: God, Hayley! I get it! I'm un-rapable, not stupid!

[Francine is preparing a tray of lemonade for Stan's meeting of the National Gun Association in the living room]
Hayley Smith: I can't believe you're feeding those extremists from the National Gun Association. They're monsters!
Francine Smith: Oh sweetheart don't be so dramatic. Besides, aren't you having fun cooking with mommy?
Hayley Smith: I'm not "cooking with mommy!" Dad handcuffed me to the oven!
Francine Smith: [stern] Well, if it weren't for handcuffs and your father you wouldn't even be here, young lady.

"American Dad!: Bullocks to Stan (#1.8)" (2005)
Francine Smith: Honestly, Stan, what does Hayley have to do with you getting a promotion. It should be enough that you're really good at your job.
Stanley Smith: Yeah, it should. But we don't live in Shouldland. Ah, Shouldland! Where clean-cut kids cruise Shouldland Boulevard and the Shouldland High football team get their optimistic asses kicked by their crosstown rival, Reality Check Tech.

Francine Smith: [Bullock is wearing Hayley's housecoat] I can see his junk!

"American Dad!: Finger Lenting Good (#8.8)" (2013)
Francine Smith: Stan, you were supposed to give up yelling for New Year's.
Stan Smith: But I love yelling! It feels good and it's good for you. That's why Sam Kinison lived so long.

Francine Smith: People are stressing me out and I can't smoke, so I'm gonna go sit on the dryer and think about Stamos.

"American Dad!: Meter Made (#3.2)" (2007)
Stan Smith: [When Stan ends up in court for beating up the meter maid] This is humiliating.
Francine Smith: Relax, Stan. Nothing's gonna happen. Punching a meter maid. It's like punching a fat person. No one cares.

Kristy: Francine, I heard you bullied your way into the "Parade of Homes". Too bad you can't strong arm your house into looking presentable.
Francine Smith: I think it looks okay.
Kristy: Well, if you think "okay" is good enough then you're as stupid as your house is ugly. Oh, my God, I'm a bitch. Okay, vroom-vroom.
[drives off in her car]

"American Dad!: Daddy Queerest (#4.19)" (2009)
Francine Smith: [to Stan] How come every time we go to a party you push me in the pool!
Stan Smith: Everyone's always afraid to be the first one in the pool. You're that girl. You're the party starter.
Francine Smith: My purse tampons were floating in the water!
Stan Smith: People were impressed by how big they got.

Stan Smith: [after Tank leaves Greg and Terry's house after he learns that Terry is gay] He's fine. He's probably just wondering how two guys can do it. He'll calm down when I explain it's like cramming together two puzzle pieces that don't quite fit.
Terry Bates: Shut up, Stan! You've done enough.
[he and Greg walk away]
Stan Smith: [to Francine] They're fine.
Francine Smith: I can't believe you!
[walks away]
Stan Smith: She's fine.

"American Dad!: An Incident at Owl Creek (#5.17)" (2010)
Francine Smith: [while sleeping] Do whatever you want. Just don't get it in my hair.

Stan Smith: [After he comes out from under the sink] No, no, Frank, you can stay in there
Francine Smith: Hi Frank

"American Dad!: Less Money, Mo' Problems (#7.15)" (2012)
Francine Smith: [Talking in her sleep] I don't care if you are Sean Connery, that's my jet-ski.

Francine Smith: We can't ride on the bus. We're wwhhiittee.

"American Dad!: 1600 Candles (#4.1)" (2008)
Francine Smith: This will have to do until I can fashion a shiv out of a chicken bone.

Francine Smith: [after turning Steve into a toddler] Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome young man.
Steve Smith: Just so you know. I'm speaking calmly right now, but there's a tantrum brewing in me the likes of which this mall has never seen!

"American Dad!: Cops & Roger (#5.14)" (2010)
Klaus: You know what? I'm not gonna push the conversation. I'm just gonna chalk this up as a "W."
Stan Smith: Shut up, Klaus!
Klaus: And I broke even.
Francine Smith: Quiet, Klaus!
Klaus: And I blew it.

Steve Smith: You joined the police academy, Roger? Sounds pretty bad-ass.
Francine Smith: Steve, language!
Roger: Shut the fuck up, Frannie. The boy's expressing himself.

"American Dad!: American Stepdad (#8.4)" (2012)
Francine Smith: Stan, I've got some terrible news.
Stan Smith: For you or for me?
Francine Smith: For you.
Stan Smith: Damn.

Betty Smith: Mr. Yabo is taking me to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon.
Francine Smith: [imitates Betty's voice] Mr. Yabo is taking me to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon. Seriously, that's how you sound.

"American Dad!: A Piñata Named Desire (#6.11)" (2011)
Francine Smith: [to Stan and Roger] Enough! Can't we have one meal without you two getting into an angry singing contest? Why is everything a competition?
Hayley Smith: Yeah, you guys should just fuck and get it over with.
[everyone looks at her]
Hayley Smith: Clearly, they have repressed sexual feelings for each other that they're channeling into hostility.
Steve Smith: How's that Psych 101 class going?
Hayley Smith: It's only day three, but I understand how the whole world works now.

Francine Smith: [about Stan and Roger] I don't get it. They're friends again?
Hayley Smith: Told ya. They just needed to fuck.

"American Dad!: Son of Stan (#6.2)" (2010)
Francine Smith: Chocolate chip pancakes and chardonnay. The Delta Burke breakfast it is!

Francine Smith: Steven Smith, I am your mother! If you don't get out of that cage, I will push you back up my clownhole and birth you again and name you my bitch.

"American Dad!: Stan of Arabia: Part 1 (#1.12)" (2005)
Stan Smith: Ladies, ladies! You're both Mrs. Smith.
Francine Smith: Stan, what the hell?
Stan Smith: Surprise! I got us a second wife. You know, to help with cooking and cleaning. Her name's impossible to pronounce, so I just call her "Thundercat."

Francine Smith: Oh, good, a Shwarma King. I'm starving. Pull over, Stan.
Stan Smith: Are you insane? We're not stopping for their food. Next, you'll want to use their bathrooms, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna use their sandpapery toilet scrolls on my proud American button.

"American Dad!: The Best Christmas Story Never (#2.9)" (2006)
The Ghost of Christmas Past: Um, we're kind of in a hurry here.
Francine Smith: I'm not going back to that filthy decade without any Purrel!

John Hinkley: She's twelve.
Francine Smith: Yea, a hard twelve. Grass on the field, go shoot the President.

"American Dad!: Blagsnarst, a Love Story (#9.23)" (2014)
Francine Smith: Roger, I'm glad you're not straddling me anymore, but you're ruining your Build-A-Bear.
Roger the Alien: Hey, if he doesn't like it, he can say something. That's why I gave him three mouths. Well, that's not why.

Francine Smith: Oh, Roger, we just love Qurchhhh.
Hayley Smith: Uh, yeah, she's terrific. Plus, she hasn't seen The Wire and I love to turn people on to The Wire.

"American Dad!: LGBSteve (#10.7)" (2015)
Handyman: [Turning his eyes upwards] Forgive them, they know not what they do.
Francine Smith: Oh we know what we're gonna do. We're going to crucify you, on Angie's List.

Francine Smith: Tulips? Where did you find this asshole?

"American Dad!: May the Best Stan Win (#5.12)" (2010)
Francine Smith: [If believing she ripped up the contract Stan signed to become a robot] The refrigerator manual
Stan Smith: I'm still Stan

"American Dad!: Haylias (#3.5)" (2007)
Francine Smith: Something weird is going on, Stan. Hayley's become a totally different person. It's almost as if something's been done to her brain. Like her brain's been put through some sort of cleaning process. Like it's been scrubbed or rubbed vigorously with soap and water. Brain scoured? Mind polished?

"American Dad!: Can I Be Frank with You? (#8.3)" (2012)
Francine Smith: Hot Jazz In Your Face closed awhile ago. People stopped, coming.

"American Dad!: Why Can't We Be Friends? (#8.5)" (2012)
Francine Smith: [to Stan] Didn't you have a best friend when you were Steve's age? Oh, my God, you didn't.
Stan Smith: Francine, 12-year-old girls have best friends. Little boys can only be best friends with dragons.

"American Dad!: The Scarlet Getter (#7.6)" (2011)
Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You can't keep two girls on lockdown. You already got Francine. If you want to let her go, then I'll back off Scarlett. Of course, then, I'll plow Francine.
Francine Smith: I'd let him, too. Dan Andsome-Handsome gives me quite the wide-on.

"American Dad!: Roger 'n' Me (#1.20)" (2006)
Roger the Alien: Stan might be an insensitive feelings-hurter, but he'd never cheat on you.
Francine Smith: It's not Stan I'm worried about. It's the female "entertainment" I don't trust. Men throw a little cash out 'em, they'll do anything. Then sometimes when you're on the floor with another girl, guys'll throw money, then pick it up and throw the same singles out there again. Like I'm an idiot. Like I don't have peripheral vision!
[awkward pause]

"American Dad!: Manhattan Magical Murder Mystery Tour (#10.11)" (2015)
Roger: Isn't that James Patterson?
Francine Smith: He's here to receive a special award. More of his books have been left on beaches than used condoms.

"American Dad!: With Friends Like Steve's (#1.22)" (2006)
Barry: Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch.
[gives Steve the doormat]
Stan Smith: Great, it's the fat one.
Steve Smith: That's a doormat, Barry.
Barry: Who's Matt Barry?
Stan Smith: God, I hate you so much!
Steve Smith: Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
Francine Smith: If it's okay with his parents.
Barry: Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Stan Smith: Good people. My kind of people.
[Barry's watch beeps]
Barry: Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
Stan Smith: Fatty can use the garden hose!

"American Dad!: Holy Shit, Jeff's Back (#10.13)" (2015)
Hayley Smith: Does Jeff seem a little weird to you guys since he got back, like a little different?
Stan Smith: Hell yeah he's better!
Francine Smith: Way better, if I were you Hayley I'd lock that down!
Hayley Smith: Mom we're already married
Francine Smith: I mean lock it down for real, rings catch girls
[rubs Hayley's belly]
Francine Smith: babies trap boys
[Hayley looks disturbed]

"American Dad!: Kiss Kiss Cam Cam (#11.6)" (2016)
Stan Smith: What happened?
Francine Smith: You were about to tell me about my birthday present, then you started making bird noises, got an erection and started tongue-kissing the air.

"American Dad!: For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls (#6.8)" (2010)
Francine Smith: I'm starting a new Christmas tradition.
Stan Smith: What was wrong with our old traditions? Like letting homeless people smell our napkins after Christmas dinner?
Francine Smith: On "The View", they said we could try the Dutch custom of putting presents in wooden clogs. Barbara Walters said it and she had an affair with a married black senator. So, you know, she doesn't drive in the slow lane.

"American Dad!: Iced, Iced Babies (#2.6)" (2006)
Francine Smith: It's so cute that Steve has a little girlfriend.
Stan Smith: Well don't tell Debbie about her because she'll eat her.

"American Dad!: Stan Time (#4.9)" (2009)
Francine Smith: [lets out a long fart] Ahh... I've been holding that in since Jeopardy.

"American Dad!: Man in the Moonbounce (#5.5)" (2009)
Stan Smith: I'm upstairs trying to do our taxes and Steve's abusing the hose.
Francine Smith: Oh, that's embarrassing. Did you walk in on him?
Stan Smith: What?
Francine Smith: You caught him playing with himself?
Stan Smith: Damn it, woman! You always jump to that.

"American Dad!: Hurricane! (#7.2)" (2011)
[last lines of the episode, as Stan goes outside to look at the damage done by the hurricane]
Stan Smith: [sighs] What a day.
Cleveland Brown: [off-screen] Tell me about it.
[Stan turns to see Cleveland and we pull back to reveal the Brown house next to the Smith house as Cleveland walks up to Stan]
Cleveland Brown: I don't even know where the hell I am.
Stan Smith: [pulls out a gun] Looter!
Cleveland Brown: [also pulls out a gun] Self-defense!
[Two guns are heard cocking and we pan to see Peter Griffin aiming at Stan and Cleveland]
Peter Griffin: A black and a white talking as if it's normal!
[We pull back to reveal the Griffin house next to the Brown and Smith houses as Peter walks up to Stan and Cleveland]
Cleveland Brown: Peter, what are you doing? You know me!
Peter Griffin: Everybody shut up and let me think! Just let me think!
[Francine comes out the front door]
Francine Smith: Stan, have you...
[Stan accidentally shoots at Francine, causing her to fall down and moan]
Peter Griffin: [laughs] Oh, man. Classic "American Dad".

"American Dad!: Dr. Klaustus (#7.13)" (2012)
Francine Smith: [Speaking about Steve] That four-eyed bastard. That malnourished pasty geek. I knew I should have aborted him.
Stan Smith: Goodness.

"American Dad!: Wheels & the Legman and the Case of Grandpa's Key (#7.10)" (2012)
Francine Smith: Wow, Klaus, I guess Roger's ass is cuter than you. Dick.

"American Dad!: A Ward Show (#7.3)" (2011)
Francine Smith: [to Steve on the phone] Steve, it's your mom. Frankly, I'm glad Roger got Principal Lewis fired. Your friendship with him was getting weird. I wanted to say something about it, but I was scared you might tell me that you two were lovers.

"American Dad!: Hayley Smith, Seal Team Six (#11.3)" (2016)
Francine Smith: [upon learning that Roger has hypnotized Hayley into believing she's a six year old] Roger we can't have a grown woman acting like a child this ain't no Disney channel!

"American Dad!: 100 A.D. (#6.1)" (2010)
Francine Smith: [points at Jeff] Look at him... still rocks a goatee... poser ass bitch!

"American Dad!: When a Stan Loves a Woman (#2.16)" (2007)
Stan Smith: I've never slept with anyone except you. But you... you have a sex garden that was on the cover of Sex Garden magazine.
Francine Smith: Oh, is that what this is about? My past? Stan, that was just sex. Sex without love is meaningless.
Stan Smith: Francine, I'm listening to you talk, I'm looking in your eyes, but all I can see is you taking more poundings than Omaha Beach before the ground assault began.

"American Dad!: Of Ice and Men (#2.7)" (2006)
Francine Smith: You've been sneaking out for the last 20 winters to ice skate? How come you've never told me?
Stan Smith: How can you tell someone you love you're a monster?

"American Dad!: The Most Adequate Christmas Ever (#3.8)" (2007)
[Klaus is riding on a model train]
Francine Smith: Klaus, you got the train to work.
Klaus: Yeah, it's in my blood. My grandfather was a conductor at Auschwitz.
[everyone gasps]
Klaus: No, no, he ran the kiddie train at the zoo. You know, it's a big town, there's other stuff there.

"American Dad!: School Lies (#6.14)" (2011)
Francine Smith: Well, I already signed us up to tour the private school.
Stan Smith: Fine, but I'm not gonna try to impress anyone. No jokes, no charm, and I'm gonna wear the PJ bottoms where my pud always falls out.

"American Dad!: Delorean Story-An (#4.16)" (2009)
Francine Smith: Maybe you should take Steve
Stan Smith: Steve who? Steve Guttenberg, that would be a road trip, picking up tail, signing autographs, all the best love Mahoney

"American Dad!: Deacon Stan, Jesus Man (#1.7)" (2005)
Stanley Smith: I want my one free kill to be Chuck White. Yours can still be George Clooney.
Francine Smith: Clooney, you smug bastard. Stop playing basketball and get married like the rest of us.

"American Dad!: Every Which Way But Lose (#4.17)" (2009)
Francine Smith: Well I'm going to go enter my pie.
Stan Smith: Like I did last night, huh?

"American Dad!: Merlot Down Dirty Shame (#5.15)" (2010)
Francine Smith: I call malarky, Stan.

"American Dad!: A Star Is Reborn (#10.10)" (2015)
Francine Smith: She was an old woman.
Francine Smith: She probably died before we hit her.

"American Dad!: Roger Codger (#1.5)" (2005)
Francine Smith: We're so glad you could make it. Where's your wife this evening?
Bullock: Handcuffed to a radiator in Fallujah. She wanted to come, but I do not negotiate with terrorists. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?

"American Dad!: Jenny Fromdabloc (#6.16)" (2011)
Francine Smith: Your father won't be joining us for dinner.
Jeff Fischer: I'm sorry our horse-for-two costume freaked him out, Mrs. S.
Francine Smith: Just bad timing, Jeff.
Jeff Fischer: It's a sex thing.
Francine Smith: I know, Jeff.

"American Dad!: Frannie 911 (#3.9)" (2008)
Francine Smith: [Francine slaps Roger]
Roger: Roger: You... You struck me with a bass.