Francine Smith
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Quotes for
Francine Smith (Character)
from "American Dad!" (2005)

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"American Dad!: Con Heir (#1.11)" (2005)
Francine Smith: [after finding out Stan's been lying about his father] I can't believe you lied to me all these years.
Stan Smith: And the best part is I'm still lying about a bunch of other stuff!

Francine Smith: Oh, Stan, you're probably just having a midlife crisis. Do you wanna cheat on me?
Stan Smith: A mistress on my salary, Francine? Come on!

Stan Smith: This awesome man is Jack Smith, my real father!
Francine Smith: Say WHAAAAT?

Francine Smith: What kind of man abandons his family for 20 years?
Stan Smith: The manliest man, he'll do you right, seriously? you should be having sex with him, I don't think he's asleep, I can get him for you

Francine Smith: You're the richest guy in the world because you have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Stan Smith: I'm the richest
[pretending to be on his cell phone]
Stan Smith: Hello Bill Gates turns out I'm the richest guy in the world because I have an adoring wife and a loving family , hello UNICEF
Francine Smith: I get it.
Stan Smith: I'd like to donate some of my immense riches, you mean children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you!

Francine Smith: You quit your job!
Stan Smith: Francine I have a chance to join the Scarlet Alliance.
Francine Smith: You mean you haven't got the job yet!
Stan Smith: Francine I'm going to be rich in adventure
Francine Smith: Rich in adventure!
[Pretends to be on the phone]
Francine Smith: Hello MasterCard do you take payment in the form of adventure, hello colleges I'd like to pay my son's tuition, I don't have any money but my husband is rich in adventure!
Stan Smith: Well what'd they say.

"American Dad!: Homeland Insecurity (#1.6)" (2005)
Francine Smith: I was finally making friends, Stan. How could you ruin my party?
Stan Smith: It was easy. I just yelled "Terrorist!" and everyone ran away. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were asking, how did I ruin your party? And I'm like, you were there, baby. You had a front row seat.

Linda: [holds up glass] To new friends.
Francine Smith: You guys, I have a confession to make. This wasn't a theme party. I was just covering for Stan.
Bob: Sweetheart, we know. We've encountered people like him before.
Francine Smith: You have?!
Bob: Oh, sure. But I gotta say, even though Stan's a suspicious, xenophobic vigilante, he's still a hundred times better than our last neighbors.
Bob: They were black.

Francine Smith: Stan, let them out. This isn't funny.
Stan Smith: Oh, oh, Linda's making a run for the gate!
[Electrified noise, Linda screams]
Stan Smith: Come on, Francine. You can't tell me that's not funny.

Stan Smith: So, what part of Islam do you hail from?
Bob: Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.
Stan Smith: Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.
Francine Smith: So, the block party starts at 3:00pm and goes 'till question mark. It's pot luck, so bring whatever you want.
Stan Smith: But not smallpox.
Stan Smith: Kidding. Kind of joking, but not really.

Francine Smith: Say hi to Betty for me!
Tuttle: Oh, I would, but she died six months ago. The big C.
Francine Smith: Cancer?
Tuttle: No, the big letter C from the Coca-Cola sign. Fell right on top of her.

"American Dad!: Finances with Wolves (#1.18)" (2006)
Francine Smith: This man's given me something you haven't for a long time.
Stan Smith: We've talked about this. My neck gets tired.
Francine Smith: I'm talking about respect, Stan.
Stan Smith: Oh my God, you respected her? You're dead, Klaus!

Francine Smith: You know, you seem very familiar. Have we met before?
Klaus: [nervously] Oh, you know, I'm just one of those black Germans that seems familiar to everyone, hmm?

Francine Smith: You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.
Stan Smith: You made all this in one day?
Francine Smith: That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.

Francine Smith: Stan, I did some research on that kiosk at the mall. If you gave me $5,000 of your bonus, I could start a business selling my muffins. I think there's a real market for...
Stan Smith: Ooh, ooh, uh, I... I'm sorry... sorry to interrupt, but, uh, real quick, this is the worst idea I've ever heard. Never gonna happen, but, please, keep going.
Francine Smith: Oh, just forget it!
Stan Smith: Great call, Francine.

Francine Smith: Stan, it's great the CIA gave you that $20,000 bonus for "Most Evasive Testimony to Congress," but at this rate, it'll be gone in no time.
Stan Smith: Hey, if I don't buy all this crap, the terrorists win! And don't tell me it's not a competition, because it SO is.

"American Dad!: Great Space Roaster (#5.18)" (2010)
Francine Smith: [to Stan] You have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self righteousness of Sean Penn and the embarrassing hypocrisy of Rush Linbar, you're almost as bad as Rachel Ray

Francine Smith: [Alarms are going off] Stan what's happening!
Stan Smith: Not much, what's happening with you?

Roger the Alien: I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy
Francine Smith: I just feel so sad for those poor actors

Roger the Alien: Why? What did I ever do to make you say those incredibly hurtful things?
Stan Smith: Are you serious?
Roger the Alien: Do I look like I'm not serious!
Francine Smith: This is what you wanted
Roger the Alien: You stay away from me Francine! You all stay away!

Francine Smith: Roger,you're the most disgusting,out of shape piece of shit I've ever met,and I know Sammy Hagar.

"American Dad!: Stan Knows Best (#1.3)" (2005)
Francine Smith: How's your French toast, honey?
Stanley Smith: Smelly and ungrateful! But this "American toast" is fantastic!

Francine Smith: How's everyone's French toast?
Stanley Smith: Smelly and ungrateful! But this American toast is delicious.

[At her new stripping job, Hayley's parents stay to watch]
Stanley Smith: Shake it, baby! You will not break it!
Francine Smith: It took me nine months to make it!

[Family is playing Scrabble]
Steve Smith: Quivecs? That's not a word.
Roger the Alien: It is on my planet!
Francine Smith: Is it a proper noun?
Roger the Alien: Damn!
[rearranges letters]

"American Dad!: Star Trek (#1.15)" (2005)
Francine Smith: Anything for me?
Stanley Smith: Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap. Hey, it's from me.

Francine Smith: The only good hairdresser in town is Mr Beauregard, and it's impossible to get an appointment unless you know somebody.
Klaus: But Francine, you do know somebody. You know Roger. Oh, wait, he's just a nobody.
Roger the Alien: [gasps] Don't... cry... in front of the fish!

Stanley Smith: Francine, your roots are showing!
Francine Smith: I know. My hairdresser lost his touch when he decided he was straight. Apparently, it *is* a choice.

"American Dad!: Big Trouble in Little Langley (#3.4)" (2007)
Francine Smith: Hayley, your cold sore is leaking into the mashed potatoes.
Hayley: That's the last time I use a lipstick I found on the bus.
Francine Smith: No one's buying that, honey.

Francine Smith: You were right, Stan. I want to meet my real parents.
Stan Smith: Don't worry, honey. I'll find them, no matter how long it takes. They'll be here at 6:00.

Francine Smith: Oh, my God! Our house!
Stan Smith: Nothing to worry about. Just your average greasy Chinese duck fire.
Francine Smith: Is everyone okay? Steve? Hayley? Roger?
Stan Smith: Everyone's fine.
Francine Smith: [sees Klaus] Oh, and... and Klaus. Is Klaus okay? He's the only one I really care about.
Klaus: Too late, Francine. Too fucking late.

"American Dad!: The Vacation Goo (#3.1)" (2007)
Francine Smith: Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!
Steve Smith: We could go skiing!
Stan Smith: Or, here's an alternate pitch. Uh, stay here, watch the Duke game - just hear me out - I order boneless wings from KFC - hang on to that thought, Hayley - I take a long bath and then, wait for it... none of you are here!
Francine Smith: Or - just hear me out - we stay home and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off, I'll slam a book on your testicles.
Steve Smith: [pause] Did someone say skiing?

Francine Smith: Nothing bonds a family like a dark, horrible secret.

Roger: [to the song Xanadu] Xanadu/can't cry on cue/now I am here/Xanadu
[to an older lady]
Roger: here you go, I talked to the chef, there's no cream in the soup like you asked
[back to the song]
Roger: Xanadu...
Francine Smith: Roger's singing Olivia Newton-John on our cruise? Oh, this has goo written all over it!

"American Dad!: Tears of a Clooney (#1.23)" (2006)
[Francine is preparing to kill George Clooney with an axe]
Stanley Smith: Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell Francine? What is this really about? I mean I hate Susan Serandon but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just... cut my hair different for a while.
Francine Smith: What is this about? Just look at that **** with cucumbers on his eyes. Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
Stanley Smith: Oh God! This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
Francine Smith: [stunned] Midlife crisis... wait, future senator?
Francine Smith: Oh I will ******* chop his head in two!
Stanley Smith: Francine, don't you see. Sure, Clooney has no cares, no-one that depends on him, but... he HAS no one that DEPENDS on him! But you; you have a family. A son, a daughter...
Francine Smith: ...and a husband, who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Stanley Smith: Of course! I assumed you did!
[both laugh hysterically]
Francine Smith: I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
[both turn and stare at Clooney]
Francine Smith: You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.

Francine Smith: I have a new dream now. You wanna know what it is? You really wanna know?
Stanley Smith: Eh.
Francine Smith: My dream... is to destroy George Clooney. That arrogant, overrated, memo-writing bastard! He's not even an actor! He just does the same cheesy move every time. Looks down, then looks back up squinting underneath his eyebrows. And everybody's buying it! God, if I just had the chance. I know exactly how I'd bring him down. You see, Clooney's never fallen in love. It's always a fling here, a fling there. Well, I'd make him fall in love with *me*. And then I'd break his heart and watch him cry until his eyeballs bleed!
Stanley Smith: Francine, I'm sorry, but that's the craziest most unsettling thing I've ever heard in my entire life. And we're totally gonna make it happen!

Raina: As you can see, Mrs. Smith we are positioned directly across the street from Clooney's hotel.
Francine Smith: Are they building a basketball court in his hotel room?
Raina: Clooney has it written into all of his movie contracts.
Francine Smith: What do the Coen brothers see in him?
[Francine punches her fist through a glass window]

"American Dad!: 1600 Candles (#4.1)" (2008)
Francine Smith: This will have to do until I can fashion a shiv out of a chicken bone.

Francine Smith: [after turning Steve into a toddler] Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome young man.
Steve Smith: Just so you know. I'm speaking calmly right now, but there's a tantrum brewing in me the likes of which this mall has never seen!

"American Dad!: The Dentist's Wife (#11.12)" (2016)
Francine Smith: Roger, what the hell did you do? Where's Meredith?
Roger: Francine, everything's fine now. I put her on a barge, and now I'm her.
Francine Smith: A barge? You can't take someone's life like this!
Roger: Oh, Franny, we'd draw pictures with red oceans and green skies and be who we wanted! And then play in the sprinklers till Mama called us for supper.
Francine Smith: Are you having a stroke right now? Forget it. I'm stopping this.
Roger: That's barge talk, Francine.
Francine Smith: Roger, I am not going to sit here and
[Foghorn blares; Cut to Francine on a barge]
Francine Smith: Son of a bitch! He barged me.

Francine Smith: Meredith, are you okay?
Meredith: Some lunatic kidnapped me and dumped me here.
Francine Smith: Yeah, that's my friend. She's stolen your life. She's running your gala. Oh, and she may be having relations with your husband.
Meredith: No! My gala!

"American Dad!: Stanny Slickers II: The Legend of Ollie's Gold (#3.15)" (2008)
Francine Smith: Stan, can you please talk to your daughter. Look at her!
Stan Smith: My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant!
Hayley Smith: It's just a nose ring.
Stan Smith: It's a gateway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.
Francine Smith: [to Hayley] Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche

Stan Smith: If I had died in that crash today, who would remember me?
Francine Smith: I would.
Stan Smith: That's right. Nobody.

"American Dad!: Rapture's Delight (#5.9)" (2009)
Francine Smith: Stan Smith... go to Heaven!

Francine Smith: [while watching everyone ascend] What's going on?
Father Donovan: It's the Rapture. Turns out there really IS a God.

"American Dad!: Stannie Get Your Gun (#1.14)" (2005)
Francine Smith: God, Hayley! I get it! I'm un-rapable, not stupid!

[Francine is preparing a tray of lemonade for Stan's meeting of the National Gun Association in the living room]
Hayley Smith: I can't believe you're feeding those extremists from the National Gun Association. They're monsters!
Francine Smith: Oh sweetheart don't be so dramatic. Besides, aren't you having fun cooking with mommy?
Hayley Smith: I'm not "cooking with mommy!" Dad handcuffed me to the oven!
Francine Smith: [stern] Well, if it weren't for handcuffs and your father you wouldn't even be here, young lady.

"American Dad!: Stan of Arabia: Part 1 (#1.12)" (2005)
Stan Smith: Ladies, ladies! You're both Mrs. Smith.
Francine Smith: Stan, what the hell?
Stan Smith: Surprise! I got us a second wife. You know, to help with cooking and cleaning. Her name's impossible to pronounce, so I just call her "Thundercat."

Francine Smith: Oh, good, a Shwarma King. I'm starving. Pull over, Stan.
Stan Smith: Are you insane? We're not stopping for their food. Next, you'll want to use their bathrooms, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna use their sandpapery toilet scrolls on my proud American button.

"American Dad!: Bullocks to Stan (#1.8)" (2005)
Francine Smith: Honestly, Stan, what does Hayley have to do with you getting a promotion. It should be enough that you're really good at your job.
Stanley Smith: Yeah, it should. But we don't live in Shouldland. Ah, Shouldland! Where clean-cut kids cruise Shouldland Boulevard and the Shouldland High football team get their optimistic asses kicked by their crosstown rival, Reality Check Tech.

Francine Smith: [Bullock is wearing Hayley's housecoat] I can see his junk!

"American Dad!: An Incident at Owl Creek (#5.17)" (2010)
Francine Smith: Do whatever you want. Just don't get it in my hair.

Stan Smith: [After he comes out from under the sink] No, no, Frank, you can stay in there
Francine Smith: Hi Frank

"American Dad!: Bully for Steve (#5.16)" (2010)
Francine Smith: [to Steve] I'm not good for you, you're so frustrating, I'm gonna go to SeaWorld, punch a dolphin

Francine Smith: I know I said violence is never the answer, I'm gonna teach you to kick your father's ass
Steve Smith: That ass needs a pounding
Francine Smith: That's what your father said last night

"American Dad!: Hayley Smith, Seal Team Six (#11.3)" (2016)
Francine Smith: [upon learning that Roger has hypnotized Hayley into believing she's a six year old] Roger we can't have a grown woman acting like a child this ain't no Disney channel!

"American Dad!: 100 A.D. (#6.1)" (2010)
Francine Smith: [points at Jeff] Look at him... still rocks a goatee... poser ass bitch!

"American Dad!: May the Best Stan Win (#5.12)" (2010)
Francine Smith: [If believing she ripped up the contract Stan signed to become a robot] The refrigerator manual
Stan Smith: I'm still Stan

"American Dad!: When a Stan Loves a Woman (#2.16)" (2007)
Stan Smith: I've never slept with anyone except you. But you... you have a sex garden that was on the cover of Sex Garden magazine.
Francine Smith: Oh, is that what this is about? My past? Stan, that was just sex. Sex without love is meaningless.
Stan Smith: Francine, I'm listening to you talk, I'm looking in your eyes, but all I can see is you taking more poundings than Omaha Beach before the ground assault began.

"American Dad!: The Wrestler (#7.12)" (2012)
Francine Smith: You don't want to be here after closing... that's when they come to life.

"American Dad!: Of Ice and Men (#2.7)" (2006)
Francine Smith: You've been sneaking out for the last 20 winters to ice skate? How come you've never told me?
Stan Smith: How can you tell someone you love you're a monster?

"American Dad!: Spelling Bee My Baby (#8.14)" (2013)
Steve Smith: Ahw, what am I gonna to do?
Francine Smith: Well, you have two options; You can fall apart like a bitch punk in the street or you can Mark Zuckerberg this thing!
Steve Smith: You think?
Francine Smith: Yea, any man who ever did anything great was just trying to show up some piece of ass who didn't give him any.

"American Dad!: Cops & Roger (#5.14)" (2010)
Klaus: I'll chalk this up to a W
Stan Smith: Shut up Klaus!
Klaus: It broke even
Francine Smith: Quiet Klaus!
Klaus: I blew it!

"American Dad!: The Most Adequate Christmas Ever (#3.8)" (2007)
[Klaus is riding on a model train]
Francine Smith: Klaus, you got the train to work.
Klaus: Yeah, it's in my blood. My grandfather was a conductor at Auschwitz.
[everyone gasps]
Klaus: No, no, he ran the kiddie train at the zoo. You know, it's a big town, there's other stuff there.

"American Dad!: Delorean Story-An (#4.16)" (2009)
Francine Smith: Maybe you should take Steve
Stan Smith: Steve who? Steve Guttenberg, that would be a road trip, picking up tail, signing autographs, all the best love Mahoney

"American Dad!: Deacon Stan, Jesus Man (#1.7)" (2005)
Stanley Smith: I want my one free kill to be Chuck White. Yours can still be George Clooney.
Francine Smith: Clooney, you smug bastard. Stop playing basketball and get married like the rest of us.

"American Dad!: Live and Let Fry (#4.11)" (2009)
Stan Smith: What the hell, Francine? This tastes like crap!
Francine Smith: I know. I used to cook everything in oil containing trans fat, but since the new law, you can't get it anymore.
Stan Smith: That's what trans fat is? The stuff that makes everything taste wonderful? Oh, why doesn't the city council just declare a war on flavor? Like the English did years ago!
Steve Smith: Their food is atrocious.
Francine Smith: I miss Lady Di.
Steve Smith: She was the people's princess...
Stan Smith: I know who she was, Steven!

"American Dad!: Roger 'n' Me (#1.20)" (2006)
Roger the Alien: Stan might be an insensitive feelings-hurter, but he'd never cheat on you.
Francine Smith: It's not Stan I'm worried about. It's the female "entertainment" I don't trust. Men throw a little cash out 'em, they'll do anything. Then sometimes when you're on the floor with another girl, guys'll throw money, then pick it up and throw the same singles out there again. Like I'm an idiot. Like I don't have peripheral vision!
[awkward pause]

"American Dad!: With Friends Like Steve's (#1.22)" (2006)
Barry: Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch.
[gives Steve the doormat]
Stan Smith: Great, it's the fat one.
Steve Smith: That's a doormat, Barry.
Barry: Who's Matt Barry?
Stan Smith: God, I hate you so much!
Steve Smith: Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
Francine Smith: If it's okay with his parents.
Barry: Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Stan Smith: Good people. My kind of people.
[Barry's watch beeps]
Barry: Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
Stan Smith: Fatty can use the garden hose!

"American Dad!: Holy Shit, Jeff's Back (#10.16)" (2015)
Hayley Smith: Does Jeff seem a little weird to you guys since he got back, like a little different?
Stan Smith: Hell yeah he's better!
Francine Smith: Way better, if I were you Hayley I'd lock that down!
Hayley Smith: Mom we're already married
Francine Smith: I mean lock it down for real, rings catch girls
[rubs Hayley's belly]
Francine Smith: babies trap boys
[Hayley looks disturbed]

"American Dad!: Merlot Down Dirty Shame (#5.15)" (2010)
Francine Smith: I call malarky, Stan.

"American Dad!: Son of Stan (#6.2)" (2010)
Francine Smith: Chocolate chip pancakes and chardonnay... the Delta Burke breakfast it is!

"American Dad!: A Star Is Reborn (#10.13)" (2015)
Francine Smith: She was an old woman.
Francine Smith: She probably died before we hit her.

"American Dad!: The Unbrave One (#7.8)" (2012)
Francine Smith: Stan, I'm late for my period.
Stan Smith: Maybe if you jump up and down... get things started.

"American Dad!: Stan Time (#4.9)" (2009)
Francine Smith: [lets out a long fart] Ahh... I've been holding that in since Jeopardy.

"American Dad!: Roger Codger (#1.5)" (2005)
Francine Smith: We're so glad you could make it. Where's your wife this evening?
Bullock: Handcuffed to a radiator in Fallujah. She wanted to come, but I do not negotiate with terrorists. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?

"American Dad!: The Best Christmas Story Never (#2.9)" (2006)
The Ghost of Christmas Past: Um, we're kind of in a hurry here.
Francine Smith: I'm not going back to that filthy decade without any Purrel!

"American Dad!: Season's Beatings (#7.7)" (2011)
Francine Smith: We're grandparents!
Stan Smith: Steve was raped by a confused lesbian?

"American Dad!: Frannie 911 (#3.9)" (2008)
Francine Smith: [Francine slaps Roger]
Roger: Roger: You... You struck me with a bass.

"American Dad!: Hurricane! (#7.2)" (2011)
[last lines of the episode, as Stan goes outside to look at the damage done by the hurricane]
Stan Smith: [sighs] What a day.
Cleveland Brown: [off-screen] Tell me about it.
[Stan turns to see Cleveland and we pull back to reveal the Brown house next to the Smith house as Cleveland walks up to Stan]
Cleveland Brown: I don't even know where the hell I am.
Stan Smith: [pulls out a gun] Looter!
Cleveland Brown: [also pulls out a gun] Self-defense!
[Two guns are heard cocking and we pan to see Peter Griffin aiming at Stan and Cleveland]
Peter Griffin: A black and a white talking as if it's normal!
[We pull back to reveal the Griffin house next to the Brown and Smith houses as Peter walks up to Stan and Cleveland]
Cleveland Brown: Peter, what are you doing? You know me!
Peter Griffin: Everybody shut up and let me think! Just let me think!
[Francine comes out the front door]
Francine Smith: Stan, have you...
[Stan accidentally shoots at Francine, causing her to fall down and moan]
Peter Griffin: [laughs] Oh, man. Classic "American Dad".