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Quotes for
Rachel Crawford (Character)
from "Family Matters" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Family Matters: Jailhouse Blues (#3.15)" (1992)
Rachel Crawford: So, Clarence, how was your flight-ski bright-ski?
Clarence: Stupid.
Harriette Winslow: Excuse me?
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Stupid means good.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Yo Easy, you'll be crashing in my room.
Clarence: A-B-C ya!
Rachel Crawford: X-Y-Z ya!

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Clarence, is young. Let's try to be patient.
Rachel Crawford: Yeah. Word-ski, Bro-ski in-law. Don't ill, take a chill pill.
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: [Everyone looks at Mother Winslow] I have no idea what she's talking about.

"Family Matters: Life of the Party (#2.18)" (1991)
Steve Urkel: Aaah! Aaaah!
Rachel Crawford: It's okay, Steve. I'm here.
Steve Urkel: I know! You're standing on my finger!

[Steve is wasted]
Laura: Steve...
Steve Urkel: Laura! Oh, you're a sore for sight eyes!
Laura: Are you all right?
Steve Urkel: Swell, Punch! I want more Punch! Anybody have more punch?
Laura: Steve, Calm Down!
Steve Urkel: [as Waldo hands Steve a cup of the spiked punch] Why should I Laura, I'm the pife of the larty!
[splashes Waldo with the spiked punch]
Steve Urkel: [Steve is still wasted] Ooh the Durkel!
Laura: Waldo, what's with Steve, he's acting wierd, even for him!
Waldo: Willie told me not to tell.
Laura: Tell what?
Waldo: That he spiked Urkel's punch.
Laura: WHAT?
Waldo: I said he... Hey, you can't trick me!
Steve Urkel: Come on everybody, let's ooh the durkel!
[Steve climbs on the ledge of the roof]
Rachel Crawford: Steve!, Steve! Get down from there!
Steve Urkel: Hey, you gotta get up if want to get dow... oh...
[guests scream as Steve falls off the edge of the roof]
Steve Urkel: Help!, Help!
Laura: Steve, are you okay?
Steve Urkel: [Hanging on a ledge] I've fallen and I can't get up!

Steve Urkel: Rachel, what are you doing?
Rachel Crawford: Tightrope walking.
Steve Urkel: Do you know how to do that?
Rachel Crawford: ...No.

"Family Matters: Rock Video (#1.22)" (1990)
Rodney Beckett: [after seeing Eddie's music video] I can't believe it. Urkel, the camera was on Eddie the whole time.
Steve Urkel: Hey, I was following Eddie's instructions.
Rachel Crawford: Exactly what were Eddie's instructions?
Steve Urkel: To keep the camera on him and forget all the other meatheads.
Jerry, Kyle: What?
Steve Urkel: [points to Eddie] His words, not mine.

Harriette Winslow, Carl Otis Winslow, Laura Lee Winslow, Rachel Crawford, Estelle 'Mother' Winslow, Judy Winslow, Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: [in the rap video] We are a family, we share all we got and that's easy to see, cuz we are a family!

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Think hip, think cool, think fresh.
Rachel Crawford: Anything else?
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Yeah, think fast, we need it by tomorrow.
Rachel Crawford: Think hip, think cool, think fresh. I got ideas so fresh, I haven't even thought of them yet.

"Family Matters: Busted (#2.19)" (1991)
Harriette Winslow: [Rachel carries on about how sad it is Aunt Clotilda died] She was 94 years old. She lived a long and full life.
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: How did she die?
Rachel Crawford: She keeled over leading a game of Simon says!
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: [cracks a laugh but tries to stop] It's so sad.
Rachel Crawford: When the paramedics got there, they thought SIXTY-SEVEN people had died!

Rachel Crawford: Mother Winslow, when you... when you...
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Bite the big one?
Rachel Crawford: Yeah... do you want to be buried or cremated?
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Surprise me.

Rachel Crawford: Mother Winslow?
Estelle Winslow: What, Honey?
Rachel Crawford: When you... when you...
Estelle Winslow: Bite the big one?
Rachel Crawford: Right. Would you rather be buried or cremated?
Estelle Winslow: Surprise me.

"Family Matters: Torn Between Two Lovers (#2.2)" (1990)
[Steve thinks Rachel is in love with him, but she is really in love with another man named Steve]
Rachel Crawford: Oh, hi Steve.
[Steve jumps]
Rachel Crawford: How are you?
Steve Urkel: Mm-fine!
Rachel Crawford: Uh, Steve, would you mind coming over to the restaurant on Sunday at about 7:30?
Steve Urkel: A-wha-ha-wha-wha-wha-wah?
Rachel Crawford: Well, I'm planning dinner for a very, very special friend.
Steve Urkel: Oh, I see. Oh, I see. I-I-I see.
Rachel Crawford: Steve, are you sure you're okay?
[Goes to feel his head]
Steve Urkel: [Runs across the couch to get away] Fine, fine, fine!
Rachel Crawford: Good. Look, Steve. I wanna play some of my own records on the jukebox, but I don't know how to put them in. Can you help me out?
Steve Urkel: Do I have to?
Rachel Crawford: Well, Steve, I am your boss. But, I'd be willing to pay you.
Steve Urkel: [Takes it the wrong way] Gee... I wouldn't know what to charge.
Rachel Crawford: How 'bout double the usual?
Steve Urkel: The usual? Well... oh-okay.
Rachel Crawford: Thanks Steve. You know what? You are such a sweetheart. Come here.
[Pulls him into a hug]
Rachel Crawford: [He faints]
Rachel Crawford: Steve? Steve, what happened?
Steve Urkel: Oh, nothing. Just blacked out for a second there!

[Steve comes out of the freezer at Rachel's Place shivering]
Rachel Crawford: Honey, how long were you in there?
Steve Urkel: L-long enough to get i-icicles on my nose hair... Look!
Rachel Crawford: I'll just take your word for it.

"Family Matters: The Good, the Bad and the Urkel (#2.24)" (1991)
Harriette Winslow: [to Carl] Why can't the West have simpler rules, like "no smoking in elevators"?
Rachel Crawford: What's an elevator?
Harriette Winslow: It's a real fast way to get upstairs.
Rachel Crawford: For me, it's cash.

Rachel Crawford: [to Carl] Why can't the West have simpler rules, like "no smoking in elevators"?
Steve Urkel: What's an elevator?
Rachel Crawford: It's a real fast way to get upstairs.
Steve Urkel: For me, it's cash.

"Family Matters: Mr. Badwrench (#1.8)" (1989)
Rachel Crawford: Mother Winslow, guess what?
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: What?
Rachel Crawford: Little Richie spoke his first word
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Oh that's sweet, what did he say?
Rachel Crawford: Mama.
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Aww that's cute. Carl's first word was Donut.
[Carl is appalled as he has a donut in his mouth]

"Family Matters: Fast Eddie Winslow (#2.12)" (1990)
Rachel Crawford: [Looking at Richie coloring] A purple tree?
Richie Crawford: Yeah, I like to use different colors.
Rachel Crawford: Good idea.
Richie Crawford: Mom, how come some people are black and some are white and some are brown?
Rachel Crawford: Well, Honey, I guess God likes to use different colors too.

"Family Matters: The Urkel Who Came to Dinner (#3.22)" (1992)
Laura Lee Winslow: Uh, Steve. We thought you were going on vacation, Steve. Why aren't you on vacation, Steve?
Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh, well, it would have been inappropriate for me to join my parents. They went on their second honeymoon.
Rachel Crawford: Oh, how romantic! Where did they go?
Steven Quincy Urkel: Well, my mother went to Washington to visit the Smithsonian. And my dad went to New York to see Clem Puddle's House of Reptiles.
Carl Otis Winslow: You know, several questions come to mind here.
Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh, shoot.
Carl Otis Winslow: Your parents are taking seperate second honeymoons?
Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh, yes. They desperately wanna avoid the tragedy that resulted from their first honeymoon.
Harriette Winslow: What was that?
Steven Quincy Urkel: Me!

"Family Matters: Rachel's Place (#2.1)" (1990)
Rachel Crawford: It's almost impossible to find a job these days.
Laura: [running in] Guess what? I just got a job!

"Family Matters: Choir Trouble (#3.13)" (1991)
Rachel Crawford: Maybe you could come back when your voice has changed.
Steve Urkel: It already did.

"Family Matters: The Show Must Go On (#3.3)" (1991)
Rachel Crawford: Poor Laura.
Harriette: What do you mean?
Rachel Crawford: The balcony scene is next. You think she'll really kiss Steve?
Harriette: I don't know. Every time I ask her about it, she just cries and takes another Rolaid.

"Family Matters: Words Hurt (#3.4)" (1991)
Rachel Crawford: Can you make him quack like a duck every time the phone rings?
Dr. Goodrich: Ms. Crawford, I am a medical doctor, not a carnival act!
Rachel Crawford: [to Harriette] He's not gonna make him quack.

"Family Matters: Cousin Urkel (#2.8)" (1990)
Laura: So, Myrtle, how long are you gonna be around?
Myrtle Urkel: Oh, just two weeks. My parents would only take Steve if Steve's parents promised to take me.
Rachel Crawford: Sort of an Urkel Exchange Program?
Myrtle Urkel: Exactly, honey!

"Family Matters: Ice Station Winslow (#2.14)" (1991)
[Rachel walks into the living room with Richie's broken penguin beak, coutesy of a jealous Judy]
Rachel Crawford: Harriette, we've got to talk.
[She stops to face Laura]
Rachel Crawford: Kleenex?
Laura Lee Winslow: Socks.
Rachel Crawford: Oh. You mother once tried bean bags.

"Family Matters: The Crash Course (#2.5)" (1990)
Steve Urkel: Now, relax, Eddie. You had an accident. Carl will understand.
Eddie: Right. Dad will understand.
Carl: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Wha? Wha? Wha? Wha? Who? Wha? Wha? Who?
Harriette: Carl! Carl, calm down!
Carl: Harriette, there is a car in the living room.
Harriette: Yes, I know that.
Carl: Harriette, there is a car in the living room!
Harriette: Carl, don't overreact.
Carl: Overreact? Harriette, THERE IS A CAR IN THE LIVING ROOM!
Rachel Crawford: Well at least we know where it is.