Laura Lee Winslow
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Quotes for
Laura Lee Winslow (Character)
from "Family Matters" (1989)

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"Family Matters: Fight the Good Fight (#2.20)" (1991)
Harriette Winslow: Laura, you've had your head in those books all morning, got a big test coming up?
Laura Lee Winslow: Nope, this is Black History Month. Did you know an African American helped design the blueprint for Washington, D.C.?
Carl Otis Winslow: Yep, Benjamin Banneker.
Laura Lee Winslow: Hey, not bad.
Carl Otis Winslow: Hey, your old man's read a book or two.
Laura Lee Winslow: Now, for the championship and the toaster oven, who made the first patented shoe sewing machine?
Carl Otis Winslow: Uh, uh...
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Buzz!
Laura Lee Winslow: Grandma!
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: It was Jan Matzeliger, in 1883.
Laura Lee Winslow: Yeah, that's right, how'd you know?
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Who do you think bought his first pair of shoes?

Harriette Winslow: Now here's something I didn't know. Alexandre Dumas was black.
Carl Otis Winslow: The guy who wrote The Three Musketeers?
Harriette Winslow: Yeah.
Laura Lee Winslow: Most people don't know that.
Harriette Winslow: Why? Don't they teach Black History at your school?
Laura Lee Winslow: Yeah, but only for one month.
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: That's one month longer than they taught it to me.
Laura Lee Winslow: Well that really bugs me. I mean we've made contributions to this country for over 300 years, but you wouldn't know it looking at most history books, it's not fair.
Carl Otis Winslow: Well sweetheart, if you feel that strongly about it, maybe you should do something about it.
Laura Lee Winslow: Maybe I will.

Maxine: Ugh, what is this?
[picks up a single serving container of gross looking food in the cafeteria]
Laura Lee Winslow: If you have to ask, pass.

Laura Lee Winslow: Hey, my locker's open!
[finds a note hanging on the door]
Laura Lee Winslow: Oh my God.
Steve Urkel: Laura, what's wrong?
Laura Lee Winslow: [reading note] 'If you want black history, go back to Africa'.
Steve Urkel: What?
[takes note and crumbles it, Laura slams locker door, revealing the word 'Nigger' spray painted on it]

Carl Otis Winslow: [Laura comes home distraught] Laura, what happened?
Laura Lee Winslow: [in tears] Daddy, everything's a mess!
Harriette Winslow: Laura, did somebody do something to you?
Laura Lee Winslow: No, it's the whole school! The black kids won't talk to the white kids, people are calling each other names, taking sides! And it's all my fault.
Carl Otis Winslow: *Your* fault?
Laura Lee Winslow: If I hadn't started that petition, none of this would've happened. I just wanted to make things better but I ended up making them worse!
Harriette Winslow: Honey, that's not true. None of this is your fault.
Carl Otis Winslow: That's right, that petition was a great idea.
Laura Lee Winslow: No it wasn't. I wish I'd never done it. I just wish it would all go away, Daddy.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Laura, do you mind if your old grandmother tells you a story?
Laura Lee Winslow: Grandma, you're not old.
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Good answer! No wonder you're my favorite grandchild.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Laura, when I was about your age, I LOVED to read, just like you. But our little town only had ONE library, and it was for whites only.
Laura Lee Winslow: You couldn't check out a book?
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: I couldn't even go in. And even then I knew it wasn't right. So one day I decided to do something about it. So I walked in the library, sugar, I couldn't believe my eyes, there were THOUSANDS of books just sitting there waiting to be read.
Laura Lee Winslow: Did they let you take one?
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: The librarian, a white man that I'd known all my life, pushed me out into the street and told me never to come back.
Laura Lee Winslow: Did you cry?
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: All the way home, and the next day I cried all the way back to the library.
Laura Lee Winslow: You went back?
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Every day for 6 months. People stopped and starred, called me names, and some even spit at me.
Laura Lee Winslow: Weren't you scared?
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Was I ever! And sometimes I was sorry I ever started the whole thing, but I didn't quit. Finally, one rainy day, I walked in dripping wet, and that same man that pushed me out, shook his head and gave me a library card. And from that day on, EVERYBODY could use that library.

Laura: I couldn't have done this without you.
Steve Urkel: Oh, please, Laura. You're making me blush.
Laura: You know, I just don't get why people are so afraid of our history.
Steve Urkel: Well, because it's different. And believe you me, I know what being different is all about.
Laura: Well, I admire you for that.
Steve Urkel: Oh, pasha, you're making me blush again.

"Family Matters: Love and Kisses (#3.20)" (1992)
Laura Lee Winslow: Steve?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Yeah?
Laura Lee Winslow: What you did for me tonight was really special. It meant a lot to me. And I know that baseball card meant a lot to you. The truth is... you deserve a kiss.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: You mean, you want to kiss me?
Laura Lee Winslow: I didn't say that.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [after Steve, Eddie & Waldo sang 'My Girl'] Don't we remind you of The Temptations?
Laura Lee Winslow: No! More like The Repulsions.
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: [talking to Eddie] Man, they didn't even know who we were. And we practiced for six minutes!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Laura, suppose I arrange for you to meet Johnny Gill personally. Would you like that?
Laura Lee Winslow: I'd love it, but...
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Oh, no buts! Suppose I made it happen. Would you reward me with a kiss?
Laura Lee Winslow: Sure. I'd lay one on you that would weld your glasses to your face.

Steve Urkel: Laura, suppose I arrange for you to meet Johnny Gill personally. Would you like that?
Laura: I'd love it, but...
Steve Urkel: Oh, no buts! Suppose I made it happen. Would you reward me with a kiss?
Laura: Sure. I'd lay one on you that would weld your glasses to your face.

Steve Urkel: Don't we remind you of The Temptations?
Laura: No! More like The Repulsions.
Waldo: Man, they didn't even know who we were. And we practiced for six minutes!

Laura: Steve?
Steve Urkel: Yeah?
Laura: What you did for me tonight was really special. It meant a lot to me. And I know that baseball card meant a lot to you. The truth is... you deserve a kiss.
Steve Urkel: You mean, you want to kiss me?
Laura: I didn't say that.

"Family Matters: Jailhouse Blues (#3.15)" (1992)
Carl Otis Winslow: He's trouble. At the airport he picked up 6 bags.
Laura Lee Winslow: So?
Carl Otis Winslow: So, only two were his.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I have been scared straight, I saw a guy who had a tattoo of a battleship.
Laura Lee Winslow: So?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: It was on his tongue!

Laura Lee Winslow: How's the weather back in Detroit?
Clarence: Ill.
Harriette Winslow: What's the matter, not feeling well?
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Ill means lousy. You need to get out more.

Laura Lee Winslow: What're you guys going to see at the dinner theater?
Harriette Winslow: Bye Bye Birdie.
Carl Otis Winslow: Or in my case, Hello Rubber Chicken.

"Family Matters: Stop, in the Name of Love (#3.21)" (1992)
Laura: Well, Steve, I've been trying to convince Waldo that girls find him attractive. I couldn't turn right around and refuse to go out with him.
Steve Urkel: Oh, why not? You refuse to go out with me for the last decade!
Laura: Well, that's because you have self-confidence. I can turn you down without destroying your ego.
Steve Urkel: Well, isn't that just a FIIIINE kettle of fish? I'm getting penalized because I'm emotionally stable!

Steve Urkel: Now that Waldo's out of the picture, does that make me your number one reject?
Laura: Sure, Steve. There's no one I wanna say no to more than you.
Steve Urkel: Whoa! We have liftoff!

Waldo: Laura, I know I'm just wasting my time, but would you like to... kinda, maybe... go out with me, sorta, tomorrow night, maybe?
Steve Urkel: Now, let him down easy.
Laura: Sure, Waldo.
Steve Urkel: NOT THAT EASY!

Laura: I mean it, Waldo. You have a lot of qualities girls really go for.
Waldo: I do? Like what?
Laura: [Long pause] Your looks. I mean, you... are... very...
Waldo: Handsome?
Laura: Let's just put it this way... You have the perfect face for your head.

"Family Matters: Marriage 101 (#2.3)" (1990)
Laura Lee Winslow: [after Steve gives her a ring] This is real! Where did you get the money for this?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: From my stay away fund- every year all my relatives send me money and hope that I won't visit them.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Laura, I know that I'm not worthy of you, but I just can't help loving you. It's like wanting to touch a star- you know you'll never reach it but you've just gotta keep trying.
Laura Lee Winslow: [crying] Steve why do you always say things like that?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: These last 2 weeks have been wonderful for me. It's the closest I'll ever get to marrying you- thats why I wanted you to have this- no strings attached- just the one to my heart.

Laura: Where did you get the money for this?
Steve Urkel: From my stay-away fund. Every year, my relatives send me money in hopes that I won't visit them!

Laura: Steve, did you eat that moldy cheese?

"Family Matters: It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Urkel (#4.10)" (1992)
[At The Winslow home in the alternate world]
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: I'm flat broke, dad. Can you give me some money so I can finish my Christmas shopping?
Carl Otis Winslow: [Grabs his wallet] How much do you need?
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Well now that depends, how nice of a Christmas gift do you want.
Carl Otis Winslow: I'll tell you what son, why not give me cash for Christmas.
[Puts his money back into his wallet]
Carl Otis Winslow: Thanks for the present son.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Dad, cash is so impersonal.
Carl Otis Winslow: Edward, why can't you manage money like your brother, Steve? He finished his Christmas shopping weeks ago and never asked me for a penny.
[Steve Winslow comes down the stairs]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Hey dad. Edward! I"m going to the mall to hand out gifts to orphans kids
Carl Otis Winslow: That's wonderful, son.
[Faces Eddie]
Carl Otis Winslow: Look at him, charming, handsome, popular. Steve is the perfect son.
Laura Lee Winslow: [Faces Ty] Steve is my brother?
Ty: No, he's Eddie's brother. Remember you wished that Steve could find out what's it like to be you. Now you're going to find out what it's like to be Steve Urkel.
[Laura walks in the door dressed up in a stereotypical nerd fashion. Steve is embarrassed that he didn't walk out the door faster. Carl and Eddie are also shocked too]
Laura Lee Winslow: [Urkel voice] Seasons Greetings, Winslows!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Get lost, Laura!
Laura Lee Winslow: Alright!
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: What're you so happy about? He just told you to get lost.
Laura Lee Winslow: I know, but he said 'get lost, Laura'. Yesterday he said 'get lost, Fido Face!'
[to Steve]
Laura Lee Winslow: I'm wearing you DOWN, baby!

Laura Lee Winslow: If you're really my guardian angel, where're your wings and your harp?
Ty: Actually I haven't got my wings yet and I play the keyboard.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [about Harriette's gingerbread house] This is a work of art.
Laura Lee Winslow: No, it's a work of Harriette, get it, Art, Harriette?
[does Steve's laugh and snort]

"Family Matters: Cousin Urkel (#2.8)" (1990)
[Steve and Carl are playing Gin Rummy when an infuriated, Eddie and Laura come into the house.]
Laura Lee Winslow: It was just a little practical joke.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Well it wasn't funny. How would you like it if I put Jheri Curl in your deodorant?

[Steve has just fallen off the tree and onto the Coopers' pet Doberman, Damien. Carl enters her room with Eddie, who is struggling to stifle his laughter.]
Carl Otis Winslow: Laura, what's going on in here?
Laura Lee Winslow: Well I guess Steve was practicing his accordion. He woke me up too.
Carl Otis Winslow: That boy is Looney Tunes. Well if he does it again, I'm gonna grab his bellows and make a wish.

Laura: So, Myrtle, how long are you gonna be around?
Myrtle Urkel: Oh, just two weeks. My parents would only take Steve if Steve's parents promised to take me.
Rachel Crawford: Sort of an Urkel Exchange Program?
Myrtle Urkel: Exactly, honey!

"Family Matters: Farewell, My Laura (#3.25)" (1992)
[in their 1940s personas]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: What's your aunt's name, who'd want to kill her, and who do you like in the World Series?
Laura Lee Winslow: Rachel Crawfish, you got me, and I like the St. Louis Cardinals.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [voiceover, as Johnny Danger] So there I was, staring death right in the face. Was I about to take the Big Sleep?
[normal dialogue]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Well, what are you waiting for?
Laura Lee Winslow: [as Laura Wigglesworth, pointing a gun at Johnny] The narration to finish!

[in their 1940s personas]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: What's your aunt's name, who'd want to kill her, and who do you like in the World Series?
Laura Lee Winslow: Rachel Crawfish, you got me, and I like the St. Louis Cardinals.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Rachel Crawfish? Why would anybody want to kill her? And I like the Red Sox.
Laura Lee Winslow: That's right, I don't know, and I still like the Cards.

"Family Matters: The Science Project (#2.10)" (1990)
Carl: What's wrong, honey?
Laura: Science class. I'm in big trouble! I may get a B.
Carl: I got a B once. I framed it.
Laura: Dad, this is serious. I can't afford a B on my permanent record. From now on, no parties and no TV. In fact, I'm grounded.
Harriette: Laura!
Laura: Don't argue. Someday, I'll thank myself for this.

[Steve accidentally set off his A-bomb]
Steve Urkel: Don't panic, my love! If I remember correctly, the safest place to be during a nuclear explosion is in a reinforced basement.
Laura: Not when the bomb is in the basement with you!
Steve Urkel: Good point... PANIC!

"Family Matters: Bowl Me Over (#1.21)" (1990)
Laura: He started it.
Eddie: How did I start it?
Laura: By being born first. You got the whole family off on the wrong foot.

Laura: [seductively] Hi, Steve.
Steve Urkel: Hi, Laura,
Laura: You know, I shouldn't be mingling with the opposition, but I just wanted to tell you how handsome you look under fluorescent lighting.
Steve Urkel: [confused] Really?
Laura: Yeah. And, I just wanted to wish you good luck.
Steve Urkel: Thank you.
Laura: [grabbing his arm] Ooh! My, what strong arms.
[Steve drops his bowling ball and begins hyperventilating]
Carl: Steve? Steve?
Steve Urkel: Sh-she touched me, Carl! I can't breathe! All the pins look like Laura!

"Family Matters: Revenge of the Nerd (#8.14)" (1997)
Laura Lee Winslow: This is a geek party.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Well of course it's a Greek party, it's a sorority!
Laura Lee Winslow: No no no, a GEEK party, as in nerd, doofus.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Allison, is that true?
Allison: Look, we're just having a little harmless fun.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: When you're hurting other people it ain't harmless. I'll tell you something else, Allison, I may not be the most trendy guy on campus, or the best looking and I'm CERTAINLY not the most coordinated. But I like myself, and that makes me cool.

Laura Lee Winslow: One of them is my best friend.
Allison: Well then you better find some new friends, or you better plan to join a different sororiety.
Laura Lee Winslow: Oh you're not a sorority, you're a bunch of vicious, stuck up barracudas with teased hair and push up bras.

"Family Matters: Citizen's Court (#3.6)" (1991)
Laura Lee Winslow: O.k. Waldo, you may go now.
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Oh, no thanks, I went before I left.

Steve Urkel: [Steve is suing Carl on the TV show Citizen's Court and Waldo has been called as a witness] Waldo, how did you feel about Pablo?
Waldo: [Monotone while Steve mouths his words with him] Pablo was a kind and gentle creature. When I was with him, I felt... I felt...
[Rolls up his sleeve and begins reading]
Waldo: ...I felt like I was one with the Bee-Oh-Sphere.
Steve Urkel: [panicked] ... um... perhaps you mean "biosphere"?
Waldo: [after thinking a moment] Ok. Cool.
Steve Urkel: [Rushed] That's all. I'm finished with this witness, your honor!
Laura: Wait a second. Excuse me Waldo, is there something written on your arm?
Waldo: Just the stuff Steve told me to say.

"Family Matters: Food, Lies and Videotape (#3.17)" (1992)
[after putting out Laura's oven fire]
Steve Urkel: You're safe now, Missy.
Laura: Thank you, Steve. Now, I'm gonna give you a compliment. But, it's only a compliment and it doesn't mean anything more than that.
Steve Urkel: Oh, I understand.
Laura: You did good.
Steve Urkel: You love me, don't you?

[On the phone]
Laura: Steve, I can't talk now. I'm cooking breakfast. No, you're not invited. It's just for the family... Steve... stop begging.

"Family Matters: Dr. Urkel and Mr. Cool (#5.8)" (1993)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Laura this elixir will improve my coordination, my posture, my vocal intonation, and I might even sprout a chest hair or two.
Laura Lee Winslow: First you better sprout a chest.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [Steve as Stefan] Steve? Steve who?
Laura Lee Winslow: Steve Urkel. You.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: No no no no no. There is no Steve here. I'm Stefan sweet thing. Stefan Urquelle

"Family Matters: Life of the Party (#2.18)" (1991)
Cop: [Searching Willie and Waldo] Ok, where did you hide the booze?
Willie Fuffner: I don't know what you're talking about, officer.
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: [reveals his empty jacket] He meant the booze that came out of my jacket.
[Willie is upset at Waldo as Laura shows up to the crime. She imforms Maxine that Steve is safe and Rachel has just taken him home]
Willie Fuffner: See officer, everything is fine. We were just having a little fun
Laura Lee Winslow: Fun? Steve could've been killed.
Willie Fuffner: But he wasn't, so chill out ok.
Laura Lee Winslow: You just don't get it, do you. You think it's cool to come to a prty with a mini bar in your coat. You think it's funny to spike somebody's punch and watch them act like a fool. Well it's not cool. It's not funny, it's dangerous.
Cop: It's also against the law.
[He and his partner grabs Willie and Waldo]
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Where are we going, Willie?
Willie Fuffner: Jail, I guess.
Cop: You two are going to juvenile hall until your parents pick you up
Willie Fuffner: Do we get a phone call?
Cop: One call.
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Can it be a 976 number?
[Willie grabs Waldo and takes him with the cops who arrested them]

[Steve is wasted]
Laura: Steve...
Steve Urkel: Laura! Oh, you're a sore for sight eyes!
Laura: Are you all right?
Steve Urkel: Swell, Punch! I want more Punch! Anybody have more punch?
Laura: Steve, Calm Down!
Steve Urkel: [as Waldo hands Steve a cup of the spiked punch] Why should I Laura, I'm the pife of the larty!
[splashes Waldo with the spiked punch]
Steve Urkel: [Steve is still wasted] Ooh the Durkel!
Laura: Waldo, what's with Steve, he's acting wierd, even for him!
Waldo: Willie told me not to tell.
Laura: Tell what?
Waldo: That he spiked Urkel's punch.
Laura: WHAT?
Waldo: I said he... Hey, you can't trick me!
Steve Urkel: Come on everybody, let's ooh the durkel!
[Steve climbs on the ledge of the roof]
Rachel Crawford: Steve!, Steve! Get down from there!
Steve Urkel: Hey, you gotta get up if want to get dow... oh...
[guests scream as Steve falls off the edge of the roof]
Steve Urkel: Help!, Help!
Laura: Steve, are you okay?
Steve Urkel: [Hanging on a ledge] I've fallen and I can't get up!

"Family Matters: It Didn't Happen One Night (#5.2)" (1993)
Steven Quincy Urkel: Look, you've got this big bed. Why can't we share?
Laura Lee Winslow: Does shag carpet also make you crazy? Forget it, Steve.
Steven Quincy Urkel: Well, then where am I gonna sleep?
Laura Lee Winslow: I don't know, and quite frankly, I'm tired of thinking about it. Grab a blanket and go sleep in the bathtub.
Steven Quincy Urkel: But Laura...
Laura Lee Winslow: Go!
Steven Quincy Urkel: [Grabs a blanket and a pillow and heads to the bathroom only to rush back out seconds later] No!
Steven Quincy Urkel: I will *not* sleep in the bathtub! *You're* gonna sleep in the bathtub!
Laura Lee Winslow: What?
Steven Quincy Urkel: I wasn't the one who overslept, Ms. Rip Van Winslow. I tried to help you!
Laura Lee Winslow: I know...
Steven Quincy Urkel: Don't interrupt me! Then, I drove you here in *my* car, and were you pleasant company? No!
Laura Lee Winslow: Steve...
Steven Quincy Urkel: I'm not through! Then, you broke my car, and it cost me every cent I got to fix it and rent this "delightful" room here at the "Fleabag Inn".
Laura Lee Winslow: Steve, if...
Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh, put a cork in it, Missy! Look, I love you with all my heart, but just because you don't love me back doesn't give you the right to treat me like dirt! I'm a person, and I have feelings, and I demand to be treated with respect and dignity!

Laura Lee Winslow: Steve, could you go a little faster? We're getting dirty looks from old people!
Steven Quincy Urkel: But I'm going the recommended cruising speed for this vehicle Any more could be risky.
Laura Lee Winslow: Let's just take that risk. Let's just get there!
[steps on the gas]
Steven Quincy Urkel: Land sakes, woman. Have you taken leave of your senses?
Laura Lee Winslow: How fast are we going now?
Steven Quincy Urkel: Gee, I don't know, the speedometer only goes to thirty.
[the car breaks down. Steve looks at Laura]
Laura Lee Winslow: Did I do that?

"Family Matters: Do the Right Thing (#2.16)" (1991)
Laura: Steve, I know it's a lot to ask, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd tutor Todd.
Steve Urkel: Well, Laura, do you realize what you're asking? I'm jealous of Todd and you want me to help him. Why, you might as well drop a boulder on my foot, shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails, or scoop my eyeballs out with a melon baler.
Laura: So, will you do it?

Laura: I do want a guy with something upstairs, but, uh, I also want a well-built staircase.
Steve Urkel: Oh, well, no problem-o. I'll just begin a rigorist-training schedule. Why, a few sessions on the Muscle Master and you'll be drooling over my deltoids.
[strikes a pose]
Steve Urkel: ...Laura?
Laura: What, Steve?
Steve Urkel: I hurt myself. Can you carry me home?

"Family Matters: The Way the Ball Bounces (#4.13)" (1993)
Carl Otis Winslow: You look horrible. When's the last time you slept?
Laura Lee Winslow: I'm not sure... what day is this?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [seeing what Laura looks like without sleep] You remind me of a movie star.
Laura Lee Winslow: Who?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Freddy Krueger!

"Family Matters: Rock Video (#1.22)" (1990)
Carl Otis Winslow: [packing up the camping gear] Boy that was great, a family weekend in the wilderness. No phones. No Traffic.
Laura Lee Winslow: No surprise visits from Steve Urkel.
Steve Urkel: [opens the back door] Surprise.

Harriette Winslow, Carl Otis Winslow, Laura Lee Winslow, Rachel Crawford, Estelle 'Mother' Winslow, Judy Winslow, Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: [in the rap video] We are a family, we share all we got and that's easy to see, cuz we are a family!

"Family Matters: Lost in Space: Part 2 (#9.22)" (1998)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [last lines of the series] Do I get a welcome home kiss?
Laura Lee Winslow: On one condition.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: What's that?
Laura Lee Winslow: That you'll never go into outer space again.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Only when we kiss, Laura Lee, only when we kiss
[they passionately kiss]

Steve Urkel: [last lines of the series] Do I get a welcome home kiss?
Laura: On one condition.
Steve Urkel: What's that.
Laura: That you'll never go into outer space again
Steve Urkel: Only when we kiss, Laura Lee, only when we kiss
[they passionately kiss]

"Family Matters: The Crash Course (#2.5)" (1990)
Laura: Gee, Steve... Your baby shoes, your grandmother's dentures, fish jam; and I didn't get a thing for you.

Steve Urkel: Is there anything I can do for you while I'm down here waiting?
Laura: Let me know when Eddie gets back.
[Eddie comes crashing through the living room in the car]
Steve Urkel: [shocked] He's baaaaack!

"Family Matters: Send in the Clone (#7.24)" (1996)
Laura Lee Winslow: [Laura grabs Steve and his clone on their ears] Okay, let's take a moment and figure out what we learned here.
Myra Monkhouse: Um, one plus one equals fun?
Laura Lee Winslow: No, I think we learned that Steve's experiments has gone too far.

"Family Matters: Lost in Space: Part 1 (#9.21)" (1998)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: It's a tradition in the Urkel family to not consummate the marriage for three months.
Laura Lee Winslow: But Steve...
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Ok, you talked me into it.
[Steve goes to answer the door]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I'm going to consummate, I'm going to consummate.

"Family Matters: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad House (#4.17)" (1993)
Laura Lee Winslow: [comes in with Mother Winslow's dress from the dry cleaners] Ugh mom, this place is really getting gross.
Harriette Winslow: Then clean it up, I'm still on strike.
Laura Lee Winslow: [pushes some things aside] I can't pitch in right now. I promised grandma I'd help her get ready.
Harriette Winslow: For When?
Laura Lee Winslow: Tonight is the charity bachelor auction.
Harriette Winslow: Oh lord. Remember last year when she bought that date with the retired underwear model.
Laura Lee Winslow: Then she demanded her money back when she found out that she modeled ladies underwear.
[Harriette laughs as Laura leaves the living room to help Mother Winslow get ready]

"Family Matters: Dedicated to the One I Love (#2.9)" (1990)
Judy Winslow: Mom, when's dinner? We're starved.
Harriette: Soon, Baby. Your dad's runnin' late.
Laura: Let's eat everything and see if he can take a joke!

"Family Matters: The Big Reunion (#1.15)" (1990)
Judy: You want the rest of my cupcake?
Laura Lee Winslow: No, three's my limit!

"Family Matters: Requiem for an Urkel (#2.11)" (1990)
[Greg has just sat down next to Laura]
Greg: Hi, Laura.
Laura Lee Winslow: Hello Greg.
Greg: Are you ok?
Laura Lee Winslow: No, it really bugs me that Steve is the only guy with enough guts to stand up to Willie.
[Greg leaves as Willie walks in with Waldo and the crowd boos him. Then Urkel shows up with Eddie and Carl and the crowd cheers for him]

"Family Matters: Stevil II: This Time He's Not Alone (#9.7)" (1997)
Laura Lee Winslow: Did you get any sleep?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Yeah, I went to sleep and Stevil made a guest appearance. It was the most terrifying five minutes of my life, second only to watching Lord of the Dance!

"Family Matters: The Urkel Who Came to Dinner (#3.22)" (1992)
Laura Lee Winslow: Uh, Steve. We thought you were going on vacation, Steve. Why aren't you on vacation, Steve?
Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh, well, it would have been inappropriate for me to join my parents. They went on their second honeymoon.
Rachel Crawford: Oh, how romantic! Where did they go?
Steven Quincy Urkel: Well, my mother went to Washington to visit the Smithsonian. And my dad went to New York to see Clem Puddle's House of Reptiles.
Carl Otis Winslow: You know, several questions come to mind here.
Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh, shoot.
Carl Otis Winslow: Your parents are taking seperate second honeymoons?
Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh, yes. They desperately wanna avoid the tragedy that resulted from their first honeymoon.
Harriette Winslow: What was that?
Steven Quincy Urkel: Me!

"Family Matters: Rachel's Place (#2.1)" (1990)
Rachel Crawford: It's almost impossible to find a job these days.
Laura: [running in] Guess what? I just got a job!

"Family Matters: Old and Alone (#3.11)" (1991)
Steve Urkel: Laura, this is a... a really special moment and... well, I think we should celebrate it by... getting married.
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: Engaged?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: Going steady?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: A date?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: A kiss?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: A handshake?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: I'll see ya tomorrow?
Laura: Yeah.
Steve Urkel: I'll take it.

"Family Matters: Dream Date (#7.22)" (1996)
Robbins: Hey everyone, Laura Winslow's date is Steve Urkel
[prom guests gasp]
Donna Santangelo: And get this, Urkel's tuxedo fits!
[Prom Guests Gasp]
Laura: [as Steve and Laura walk in, the guests gasp again] Steve, everyone gasped.
Steve Urkel: Of course. You're so beautiful, you take their breath away.
Laura: Is it my imagination or is your voice lower?
Steve Urkel: I think it's because these pants are so loose!
Maxine Johnson: Ooh Laura, you look good.
Laura: So do you Max, guess what, Steve rented us a limo.
Waldo: We rented us a limo station wagon. All we had to do was drop some dead guy off at the graveyard.
Maxine Johnson: Was there a line to get your pictures taken when you guys walked in?
Steve Urkel: No, but it was moving kinda fast. Let's trot on over there and see what develops.
[laughs and snorts]

"Family Matters: The Show Must Go On (#3.3)" (1991)
[Performing Romeo and Juliet]
Laura: Doth thou love me? Oh, gentle Romeo, if thou doth love, pronounce it faithfully.
Steve Urkel: [Climbs over the balcony and falls] Oh! Ouchith!
Laura: [whispering] Steve, are you okay?
Steve Urkel: [whispering] I bent my dagger.

"Family Matters: Sitting Pretty (#1.18)" (1990)
Laura Lee Winslow: Aunt Rachel, take little Richie, the Murphy twins are giving each other haircuts in the backyard!

"Family Matters: The Party (#1.16)" (1990)
Harriette Winslow: [while trying to calm an apprehensive Rachel about leaving Richie overnight with the babysitter for the first time] Rachel, I know it's hard leaving your baby for the first time, but after that it gets a lot easier.
Laura Lee Winslow: [Yelling at Judy who's trying to shove her plate in front of Eddie dishing food] Can you wait?
Judy Winslow: No! I want some!
Harriette Winslow: [to Rachel] Believe me!

"Family Matters: Flashpants (#2.4)" (1990)
[Jazzy music playing]
Laura: Steve, you like this kind of music?
Steve Urkel: Mmm, not really.
Laura: Maybe there's hope for you yet.
Steve Urkel: I'm more of a polka kinda guy.

"Family Matters: Swine Lake (#7.17)" (1996)
Harriette Winslow: [enters the house and sees Curtis] Hi.
Curtis Williams: Oh, hi.
Harriette Winslow: Who the heck are you?
Curtis Williams: I'm Curtis Williams. Me and Laura went ice skating together.
Harriette Winslow: Oh, well it's nice to meet you, Curtis.
Laura Lee Winslow: [enters the room] All right, Curtis. The hot chocolate will be ready soon.
Curtis Williams: Laura, great timing. I was just talking with your grandmother.
Harriette Winslow: Excuse me?
Laura Lee Winslow: Oh lord, you're gonna die. Uh, Curtis. This isn't my grandmother. This is my mother.
Curtis Williams: Oh lord, I'm gonna die.

"Family Matters: Woman of the People (#3.19)" (1992)
Cassie Lynn: Look, Becky Sue. Poor Laura has worked so hard and now she has to drop out of the race.
Laura: What are you talkin' about?
Cassie Lynn: Well, we just got some really hot photos of you being romanced by the Prince of Passion here.
Steve Urkel: What? She just slipped and I caught her. That's all.
Cassie Lynn: Becky Sue! We should put those pictures in the school paper.
Becky Sue: Oh, we couldn't do that. Everyone would think that Laura is in love with Steve Urkel and no one would vote for her.
Steve Urkel: But, I told you. I just caught her, that's all.
Cassie Lynn: That may be what happened, but that won't be what the people believe. They just love juicy gossip.
Laura: You wouldn't dare.
Cassie Lynn: Try me. You've got twenty-four hours to drop out of the race or we publish the picture.
Steve Urkel: Why you...
[Both leave laughing]
Steve Urkel: Why, come back here, you little hussy! Nobody threatens my woman!
Laura: Steve. Steve! STEVE!
Steve Urkel: Wha-at?
Laura: Will you calm down?
Steve Urkel: Calm down? Why that low-down-cheap-bunder-headed-mud-slinging-bush-wacking-slanderous-snake-in-a-skirt is blackmailing you!
Laura: I know!
Steve Urkel: Why, to make everyone think that the woman I love actually loves me back? Why, how low can you get?

"Family Matters: Rumor Has It (#4.4)" (1992)
Ted: I'm sorry, Laura. Look, I know it's asking a lot, but can we wipe the slate clean; start over?
Steven Quincy Urkel: No way!
Laura Lee Winslow: I don't know, Ted.
Steven Quincy Urkel: She doesn't know, Ted!
Laura Lee Winslow: I'll have to think about it.
Steven Quincy Urkel: She has to think about it!
Laura Lee Winslow: But it'll be real hard to forgive the fact that you boosted your rep by ruining mine.
Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh, you're history, Bub.
Laura Lee Winslow: Steve, I'll handle this conversation myself, okay?
Steven Quincy Urkel: She'll handle this conversation herself, okay?

"Family Matters: The Love God (#3.10)" (1991)
Steve Urkel: Care to mop my brow?
Laura: Forget it.
Steve Urkel: No sweat, my pet?
Laura: In your dreams.
Steve Urkel: Hey, this is my dream!
Laura: Well, then not even in your dreams.
Steve Urkel: I can't believe this! I'm being rejected in my own fantasy.

"Family Matters: Brain over Brawn (#3.2)" (1991)
Steve Urkel: You know what, Laura? I realize the reason you don't love me is because I'm weak.
Laura: Steve, that's not true.
Steve Urkel: It isn't?
Laura: No! There's lots of reasons why I don't love you.
Steve Urkel: Really? Well, name a couple.
Laura: Well... you're stubborn, irritating, loud, obnoxious, pushy, clumsy...
Steve Urkel: I said 'a couple'.

"Family Matters: Ice Station Winslow (#2.14)" (1991)
[Rachel walks into the living room with Richie's broken penguin beak, coutesy of a jealous Judy]
Rachel Crawford: Harriette, we've got to talk.
[She stops to face Laura]
Rachel Crawford: Kleenex?
Laura Lee Winslow: Socks.
Rachel Crawford: Oh. You mother once tried bean bags.

"Family Matters: Beta Chi Guy (#6.5)" (1994)
Laura Lee Winslow: You're lucky, you got into a great fraternity... and all it cost you was your best friend.
Eddie Winslow: Steve told you?
Laura Lee Winslow: He didn't need to. I could hear him sobbing in his suspension chamber.

"Family Matters: Busted (#2.19)" (1991)
Laura: Steve... why did you give me this... this... THIS?
Steve Urkel: Because, I love you... love you... love you!