Barney
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Quotes for
Barney (Character)
from "Barney & Friends" (1992)

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"Barney & Friends: Down on Barney's Farm (#1.10)" (1992)
Barney: Knock-knock.
Luci, Derek, Shawn, Tina: Who's there?
Barney: I go "Quack, quack", not "Cluck, cluck". I waddle when I walk. I am a...
Tina: [hearing a duck quack] Duck!

Barney: Knock-knock.
Shawn, Derek, Luci, Tina: Who's there?
Barney: You'll love my curly tail, and I grow up to be really big. I squeal "Oink, oink". I am a...
Luci: That's got to be a pig.

Barney: Knock-knock.
Shawn, Tina, Luci, Derek: Who's there?
Barney: I'm soft and fuzzy, yes, I am. My mommy goes, "Baa-baa". I am a...
Shawn: Lamb!

Barney: Knock-knock.
Shawn, Derek, Tina, Luci: Who's there?
Barney: I eat grass and make milk for you now. I go, "Moo, moo". I must be a...
Shawn, Derek, Tina, Luci: Cow!

Barney: Knock-knock.
Shawn, Tina, Derek, Luci: Who's there?
Barney: I'm yellow and fluffy. I run really quick. My daddy's a rooster. I'm a little...
Shawn: A little baby chick.


"The Simpsons: Days of Wine and D'oh'ses (#11.18)" (2000)
Barney Gumble: Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behaviour over the last twenty years.
Moe: No, that's okay, Barn.
Barney Gumble: No it's not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet, and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.
Moe: Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.

Barney: What do you mean I forgot my birthday? How could I forget...
[chugs a beer glass]
Barney: - my own birthday?

[Barney and Homer are in a helicopter, when they land in the middle of a bridge and stop a beer truck. A six pack falls out]
Homer: You have to do it Barney. You have to save my kids.
Barney: I can't. My nerves are shot.
[grabs six pack]
Barney: Beer.
Homer: [grabs beer] No. I won't let you do it. You have to be sober for this.
[chugs beer]
Barney: You can't drink them all.
Homer: Oh, yeah?
[wrestles rest of six pack from Barney and chugs it]
Homer: I won't let you do this Barney. Not when you've come this far in...
[slurred speech]
Homer: being the greatest pal in the world. I love you. I guess it started at graduation, when I...
[passes out]
Barney: Homer. You brave, brave man. You took 6 silver bullets for me.
Homer: [mumbles] Stay away from my wife.

Barney: So, I say, when we die there should be two planets- one for the French and one for the Chinese.


"Barney & Friends: The Queen of Make-Believe (#1.1)" (1992)
Barney: [singing] Dance with the fiddlers, dance with the trumpeters, dance with the drummers.
[chanting]
Barney: Dance and dance and dance until you all fall down with me! Whee!

Barney: Oh I *love* being king, with all my fiddlers, trumpeters, drummers, and my dear, fair queen! Your Royal Highness, I have a question.
Min: Yes, King Barney?
Barney: If it pleases Your Royal Highness, may we do the dance again?
Min: Yes, you may. Let the dance continue.
Barney: Oh, goody!


"The Simpsons: The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson (#9.1)" (1997)
Lenny: Hey, let's go to the girls college!
Carl: No! Playboy Mansion, Playboy Mansion!
Homer Simpson: It's my car, and I say we're going to the Lost City of Gold!
Barney Gumble: [angry] Oh, that's just drunk talk!
[dreamy]
Barney Gumble: Sweet, beautiful drunk talk...

Homer: [after Barney has been missing for two months] Barney, where have you been?
Barney: All I can remember about the last two months, is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner.


"Barney & Friends: Let's Help Mother Goose! (#1.15)" (1992)
Barney: [singing] Dance with the fiddlers, dance with the trumpeters, dance with the drummers.
[chanting]
Barney: Dance and dance and dance until you all fall down with me! Whee!


"The Simpsons: Homer's Phobia (#8.15)" (1997)
[hiding underneath a trough]
Barney: Is it okay to come out now, Mr. Gay Man, sir?


"The Simpsons: Simpson Tide (#9.19)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: I've joined the Naval Reserve.
Barney: I'm not going to let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too.
Moe: I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers, I'm joining, too.
Apu: Even though my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Sax (#9.3)" (1997)
Homer Simpson: Oh, my father gave me beer as a child.'Til wrapped my little red wagon around a tree.
Barney Gumble: [Flashback to Homer and Barney as boys] Let's never drink again.
Homer Simpson: [Flashback to the present, Homer has a Duff beer in his hand] And we never did.
[Drinks it]


"Barney & Friends: The Treasure of Rainbow Beard (#1.7)" (1992)
Kathy: What's next on the map, Barney?
Barney: [reading the back of the map by mistake] Hm, okay, let's check here and uh... oh, no!
Kathy, Min, Michael, Derek: [ad lib] What is it, Barney?
Barney: The words and pictures are all gone! The map is all empty! I just don't understand what could have happened...
[mumbles]
Michael: Barney?
Barney: Yes, Michael?
Michael: You're holding the map backwards.
[pointing to the other side of the map]
Michael: The words are on the other side.
Barney: They are?
[Michael nods as Barney flips to the other side of the map]
Barney: Oh, they are!
[giggles]
Barney: Okay...
[clears throat]
Barney: Let's see now, uh...
[reading the words upside down]
Barney: tray eechem, wee ray un sapeh shum...
[mumbles]
Barney: ...oh, now the words are upside down!
Kathy, Min, Michael, Derek: Barney!
Barney: [giggles] Just kidding.


"Barney & Friends: Happy Birthday, Barney! (#1.12)" (1992)
Barney: Everybody grows, and that's a *very* good thing we all do!


"The Critic: A Little Deb Will Do You (#1.5)" (1994)
Jay Sherman: You are an insipid, walking commercial, and your cereal turned my urine pink!
Humphrey the Hippo: Well, you have to eat six bowls for that to happen!
Jay Sherman: Yes, yes, and a gallon of chocolate milk. But that's not the point.


"Barney & Friends: A World of Music (#1.25)" (1992)
Min: [after they put their pretend airplane together] Okay, Captain, we're ready for takeoff.
Barney: Then fasten your seat belts, and away we'll goooooooooooo!