Phil Coulson
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Quotes for
Phil Coulson (Character)
from The Avengers (2012)

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"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Beginning of the End (#1.22)" (2014)
Phil Coulson: We only get one shot at this, so let's go over the plan one more time to make sure we're clear on exactly what we're doing, okay? Trip and I will crest the ridge, use a noisemaker to grab a three-wheel, maybe something with more fireworks, and open a window for you two. You crawl in, grab the dealer, force his hand. He'll get us our ace in the hole, and then Bob's your uncle.
Skye: Roger that.
Antoine Triplett: Makes it sound easy.
Melinda May: Coulson, it's a solid plan you've mapped out, but it hinges on a gamble - a big one.
Phil Coulson: And back up isn't coming. It'll be just the four of us. We'll be outmanned and outgunned. But Fury always said... a man can accomplish anything when he realizes he's a part of something bigger. A team of people who share that conviction can change the world. So, what do you say? You ready to change the world?
Melinda May: No. I'm ready to kick some ass.
Phil Coulson: That works, too.

Phil Coulson: You bring a noisemaker?
Antoine Triplett: Sir, I bring the noise and the funk wherever I go.

Phil Coulson: Hi, John.
[Coulson punches Garrett]
John Garrett: Hi, Phil.
[Garrett knocks Coulson across the room]
Phil Coulson: Well, that's new.

Phil Coulson: Sir?
Nick Fury: You don't have to call me "sir", Coulson. Look at me. I'm dressed like I live under a bridge.
Phil Coulson: What are you doing here?
Nick Fury: Well, Simmons turned me onto that old-timey tracker Fitz left on your Bus. I went to great pains to make sure you didn't die the first time.
Phil Coulson: Well, now's probably not the best time, but... I'd like to have a lengthy conservation with you about that. It might get loud.
Nick Fury: And I owe you that. But right now, we owe Garrett a punch in the teeth, wouldn't you say?

John Garrett: Fury! Well, hell... When was the last time anyone saw a tag-team wrestling match with four dead guys?
Phil Coulson: I see only one dead guy in here.
John Garrett: Oh, the power's all on this side of the room, fellas. Phil, I'm surprised you try and stop me. Of course, I don't blame you, Nick. You haven't seen the big picture, the big bang, the timeless frozen ocean, but Phil here has. We share a bond. We're blood brothers.
Nick Fury: You didn't tell me he'd gone this crazy.
Phil Coulson: He's really stepped it up a notch.

John Garrett: You remember that speech you used to give us, Nick, about how one man can accomplish anything once he realizes he can be something bigger? Well, now I am.
Nick Fury: A part - a *part* of something bigger.
John Garrett: Is that how it went?
Phil Coulson: Not a great listener.
Nick Fury: If you told me this whole Hydra path thing you took is because you misheard my damn "one man" speech...
John Garrett: I am the key to the future of the universe. I'm the origin of all things.
Nick Fury: [to Coulson] You got it right?
Phil Coulson: Totally. Loud and clear.

Phil Coulson: You got a chance to express all your feelings?
Melinda May: Is he still breathing?
Phil Coulson: Guess she kept some of it to herself.
Melinda May: He's having trouble speaking. I think I fractured his larynx.
Phil Coulson: Oh, good.
[Walks up to Ward]
Phil Coulson: Your attempt to cross off Fitz and Simmons failed, but Fitz may never be the same again. So I'm going to invent new ways to ruin the rest of your life. I will do whatever is necessary to get Hydra Intel from you, but your torture - it's going to be internal.
Melinda May: And a little bit external.
Phil Coulson: Sure. Some of that. But you devoted your entire life to a deranged narcissist who never gave a damn about anyone, and now he's dead. You've got the rest of your life to wrestle with the question - who are you without him?

John Garrett: [Flexing his new Dethlok-tech robotic body] There's a reason why they say, "cut off the head." Now I'll be unstop...
John Garrett: [gets vaporized by Coulson]
Phil Coulson: [Holding the "0-8-4", the object that turned out to be HYDRA technology powered by Tesseract energy] Hey, guys! I found it. Told you it'd be in here.

Phil Coulson: Fury alway said a man can accomplish anything when he realizes he's a part of something bigger. A team of people who share that conviction can change the world. So what do you say? You ready to change the world?
Melinda May: No. I'm ready to kick some ass.
Phil Coulson: That works too.

Phil Coulson: [after finding several Hydra super-soldiers in Ernest's Barber Shop] ... So, who do we talk to about getting a haircut?

Phil Coulson: Trip, if the rest of us don't make it, I still want this place to burn.
Antoine Triplett: I prefer you make it, sir.
Phil Coulson: Me, too.

Nick Fury: It was a "break glass in case of emergency" situation.
Phil Coulson: Yes, but that emergency was supposed to be the fall of an Avenger.
Nick Fury: Exactly.

Nick Fury: The principle SHIELD was founded upon was pure.
Melinda May: Protection.
Nick Fury: Protection. One word. Sometimes, to protect one man against himself other times, to protect the planet against an alien invasion from another universe. It's a broad job description.
Phil Coulson: No need to tell me.
Nick Fury: But the belief that drives us all is the same, whether it's one man or all mankind.
Phil Coulson: That they're worth saving.

Phil Coulson: So what do ya say, ready to change the world?
Melinda May: No. But I'm ready to kick some ass.

Phil Coulson: Sir?
Nick Fury: You don't have to call me sir, Coulson. Look at me. I'm dressed like I live under a bridge.

Nick Fury: This packs a pretty good punch.
Phil Coulson: I know what it does.

John Garrett: I order you to stand down. You must obey me. You need to to translate the words of creation. You don't wanna do this , Mike. Tell him, Phil.
Phil Coulson: Mr Peterson is free to do whatever he wants.
[Mike Peterson stomps Garrett in his face]
Nick Fury: You think he learned his lesson?
Phil Coulson: He learned something.

John Garrett: There's a reason they say cut off the head. Now I'll be unstop...
Phil Coulson: He guys... I found it. I told you it'd be in here.

Phil Coulson: Stupid, stupid, stupid, and cruel, and very stupid!
Nick Fury: I think you've made your point.
Phil Coulson: Why bring me back in the first place. Clearly I didn't think it was the best idea. I warned you about people losing their minds.
Nick Fury: Agent May was on top of the situation, she says you're fine. Aren't you? It was a break glass in case of emergency situation.
Phil Coulson: Yes, but that emergency was supposed to be the fall of an Avenger.
Nick Fury: Exactly. And I'm damned glad I did it too. When you wanna build something you need a strong foundation. You know how few people I trust, Coulson.
Phil Coulson: You can count them on one hand.
Nick Fury: And I'm not afraid to cut off fingers. The principle SHIELD was founded on was pure.
Melinda May: Protection.
Nick Fury: Protection. One word. Sometimes to protect one man from himself,other times to protect the planet against an alien invasion from another universe. It's a broad job description.
Phil Coulson: No need to tell me.
Nick Fury: But the belief that drives us all is the same. Whether it's one man, or all mankind.
Phil Coulson: That they're worth saving.
Nick Fury: That truth lives inside you, Coulson. Before it was torn apart, S.H.I.E.L.D. was a lot of moving parts. Guys like you were the heart. Now you'll be the head.
Phil Coulson: What is it?
Nick Fury: Toolbox. To help you build it back up.
Phil Coulson: You want me to start over, rebuild S.H.I.E.L.D.
Nick Fury: From scratch. Take your time, and do it right. You'll still have his back.
Melinda May: Of course.
Nick Fury: There's no one else I trust with this.
Phil Coulson: Thank you, sir. How do you... How should I proceed?
Nick Fury: That's up to you, Director.

Melinda May: And you sir, where you heading now?
Nick Fury: Trading in my birds eye view for two solid feet on the ground. This is the last time you'll be seeing me for a stretch.
Phil Coulson: Your going to disappear. Nowhere to be found.
Nick Fury: Nowhere? You know me better than that, Phil. I'll be everywhere.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Face My Enemy (#2.4)" (2014)
Phil Coulson: Laser grids. Why's there always laser grids?

[watching May and her Hydra double face off]
Phil Coulson: I can't believe I'm the only one seeing this right now.

Melinda May: So, what did she do? Fake me. How'd you know it wasn't me?
Phil Coulson: Little things. And she wanted to get coffee.
Melinda May: Ah. Punch her in the face?
Phil Coulson: Yeah.
Melinda May: Good.

Phil Coulson: Maybe this will sound weird but, how about when this is over, you and I go finally get that cup of coffee we were supposed to get all those years back?
Agent Q: [Disguised as Melinda May] I thought you'd never ask. Once this is over, I'd like that.
Phil Coulson: [Punches her in the face] May hates coffee.

Phil Coulson: This is fun, right? Isn't this fun? Look -
[Holds up his sleeves]
Phil Coulson: Cufflinks!
Melinda May: I will pay you $500 right now for a pair of flats.

Lance Hunter: Bridget said Soto's sending out the painting for verification first thing in the morning. She, uh, whispered it in my ear, if you know what I mean.
Phil Coulson: Yes, everybody on the planet knows what you mean, Hunter. Let's focus.

Skye: [Hears a noise over the comms] Wait. What was that?
Phil Coulson: Yeah. That's May.
Skye: Is-is she okay? Is everything okay?
Phil Coulson: Yes. She's laughing. I think the worst of it's over now.
Melinda May: [Walks up to Coulson] My face hurts.

Phil Coulson: We're blown.
Melinda May: Why?
Phil Coulson: No idea. I think Talbot's still pissed 'cause we kidnapped him that time.

Melinda May: I assume this all makes you happy.
Phil Coulson: Why would this make me happy?
Melinda May: We failed in our mission. We're outnumbered, trapped, hoping not to get killed. Feels like the old days to me.

Brigadier General Glenn Talbot: I did what, now?
Phil Coulson: I know. It's a lot to process.
Brigadier General Glenn Talbot: I mean, a painting, Coulson, and you weren't immediately suspicious it wasn't me?
Phil Coulson: To be fair, we're not that close.

Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: Sir. Notice the car? 1962 Rolls. Restored it myself.
Phil Coulson: [smiling] I noticed. Still not lettin' you work on Lola.
Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: [smiling back] In time, sir. In time.

Phil Coulson: This is fun, right?
[to May. They are dressed formally to go under cover]
Phil Coulson: Isn't this fun? Look. Cuff links.
Melinda May: [sternly] I will pay you $500 right now for a pair of flats.
Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: [gravely] Good luck, sir.

Melinda May: [laughing while under cover] I must get a picture of us together.
[Turns to Coulson]
Melinda May: Charles. C'mere. Honey, can you take a picture of me and Mr. Soto? It's be such a nice momento of the evening.
Phil Coulson: Oh, yes, that would be nice.
Gabriel Soto: He's... your husband?
Melinda May: [to Soto] We're modern.
[to Coulson]
Melinda May: Charles? Please?

Brigadier General Glenn Talbot: Agent Coulson. Agent May. Seems like you're in a hurry.
Phil Coulson: The caterers ran out of coconut shrimp. There's no reason to stay.

Melinda May: [Referring to Talbot] I'll handle it.
Phil Coulson: May...
Melinda May: Hey, this is the part I do. It'll make up for all the dancing.
Phil Coulson: You liked it.
Melinda May: No, I didn't.
Phil Coulson: A little bit?
Melinda May: A little bit.

Phil Coulson: You weren't exactly thrilled when we got assigned that retrieval op in Sausalito that coffee shop, our first mission?
Melinda May: That's because the commander sent us in with no exit plan. I was in the bay for five hours.
Phil Coulson: I fished you out... eventually.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Well (#1.8)" (2013)
Skye: You guys may think it's old news, but it's new... news to everybody else. So, Asgardians are aliens from another planet that visited us thousands years ago?
Phil Coulson: Or more.
Skye: And because we couldn't understand aliens, we thought they were gods?
Phil Coulson: That's where our Norse mythology comes from.
Skye: That's too crazy. Do you think other deities are aliens, too? Vishnu for sure, right?
Phil Coulson: You know, it'd be nice, for once, Thor and his people sent down the God of Cleaning Up After Yourself. They probably have a magic broom for this kind of thing.

Phil Coulson: How you doing, Agent Ward?
Grant Ward: Wishing I was shorter. Nothing yet. All my readings are normal.
Phil Coulson: What about you, Skye? Any luck?
Skye: I'm lucky my s.o. volunteered to take the super-creepy hallway instead of the slightly less-creepy dungeon-room place.

Professor Elliot Randolph: Am I dead?
Phil Coulson: Apparently not.
Professor Elliot Randolph: [to Jemma] You are easily the most beautiful thing I've seen in a thousand years.

Phil Coulson: I can't think of a single time when anything alien in human hands ended well.
Skye: Wouldn't mind getting my human hands on Thor. He's so dreamy.
Phil Coulson: Sure, he's handsome, but...
Melinda May: No, he's dreamy.

Phil Coulson: Lots of bones. Let's see what we can dig up. See what I did there?

Phil Coulson: Did I fall asleep?
Karine: For a little while.

Phil Coulson: Do you know Thor?
Professor Elliot Randolph: Oh, sure, spent all my days palling around with the future Prince of Asgard. No, I don't know Thor. I was a mason.

Grant Ward: The markings?
Phil Coulson: Asgardian symbolism; hard to translate with our limited knowledge.
Skye: You should give your buddy the God of Thunder a shout. He gets his power from his hammer right? What if this his "nail" to the hammer?
Phil Coulson: I already did. Director Fury told me he's off the gird; and if he has a cellphone, we don't have the number.

Phil Coulson: Do you know there's a Mount Thor on Baffin Island?
Grant Ward: I did not.
Phil Coulson: You know what's not on Mount Thor? Anything Asgardian at all. Our agents haven't found a thing.

Phil Coulson: He can't just disappear, he has to turn up some...
[Sees car flip over]
Phil Coulson: Where. There we go.

Professor Elliot Randolph: It was just a chance to uncover something the gods brought down from the heavens.
Phil Coulson: Aliens brought it. From space.

Phil Coulson: You know, for once it'd be nice if, for once, Thor and his people would send down the god of Cleaning Up After Yourself. They probably have a magic broom for this sort of thing.

Skye: Wouldn't mind getting my human hands on Thor. He's dreamy.
Phil Coulson: Sure He's handsome, but...
Melinda May: No. He's dreamy.

Phil Coulson: You may not know Thor, but I do.

Phil Coulson: Honestly, Tahiti is too good to be true.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Heavy Is the Head (#2.2)" (2014)
Raina: Let me be clear. Mr. Creel is working for Hydra. I am not.
Phil Coulson: Why the breakup? Bad dental plan?
Raina: Hydra only has one thing on their mind: World domination. Which is so 1945.

Phil Coulson: May, you're approaching a civilian area without backup. If you see him, do not engage. You copy?
[No response]
Phil Coulson: Do you copy?
[Tires screech and horns blare]
Phil Coulson: May, that does *not* sound covert.

Phil Coulson: Right now we have more important problems. A five-alarm fire otherwise known as Lance Hunter.
Skye: Is he...
Phil Coulson: Captured. But, if he talks, our entire operation is compromised. We'll have to burn the base and evacuate.
Phil Coulson: I know. And we just retiled the bathrooms.

Skye: I know you're the boss. And you have to compartmentalize everything, but it's not healthy. You need to loosen up. Try... yoga... or something.
[She turns to leave]
Phil Coulson: [softly] I tried it. But, I'm... really not flexible.
[She closes the door behind her]
Phil Coulson: But thanks.

Lance Hunter: Where do you want me?
Phil Coulson: That depends. Can you follow an order?
Lance Hunter: Absolutely, sir
Phil Coulson: Because part of me wants you here running back-end. The other part knows we need boots on the ground, and I've only got a few good pairs.
Lance Hunter: I'll be good. Scout's honor.
Phil Coulson: [Later, After Hunter breaks orders] Scout's honor? You were never a boy scout, were you?
[Hunter gives him a small smile and a shrug]

Phil Coulson: The reality is I don't have a fleet of helicarriers or Quinn jets or thousands of agents at my disposal anymore. We're lucky we still have our George Forman grill.

Phil Coulson: Oh. I just need you to do one thing.
Lance Hunter: Yeah?
Phil Coulson: Sell me out.

Phil Coulson: Glenn. Can I... call you Glenn?
Brigadier General Glenn Talbot: No. Where's Hunter?
Phil Coulson: Watching Cake Boss, I believe.

Phil Coulson: I felt bad for kidnapping you. So, I brought you a peace offering. Carl Creel.
Brigadier General Glenn Talbot: I thought Creel was dead.
Phil Coulson: He's turned to stone, but he could always do that, so I'm not sure how long it'll hold. I've got him in a cryo-stasis chamber in the back of the van for
[checks his watch]
Phil Coulson: 58 more minutes. Before the juice runs out. I'd... get him some place secure pretty quick. Maybe a little more secure than last time? Just sayin'.
Brigadier General Glenn Talbot: Very generous of you.
Phil Coulson: Like I told you before, General, we're the good guys. So, how about we make a deal? S.H.I.E.L.D. will keep dropping off presents like this. You keep getting promoted. All we ask for in return is a little breathing room. Sound good?
Brigadier General Glenn Talbot: [laughing, pointing his finger at Coulson] You... you must have some big brass ones, Coulson. Coming out here by yourself to meet me. Face to face. No backup.
[Makes a macho sound in his throat. Coulson just smiles]
Brigadier General Glenn Talbot: Let's face facts. You and your little band of misfits are hardly S.H.I.E.L.D. Our intel says you don't have enough man power or artillery to take down a convenience store. So, I'm sorry, I'm gonna hafta to say no to that deal.
Phil Coulson: I don't know. I think we're good on artillery.
[Looks up. The Quinn jet decloaks just above them]
Phil Coulson: In case you get any ideas, General. That's just the tip of the iceberg.
[Walking towards another jet decloaking on the ground, under his breath]
Phil Coulson: Let's get out of here before the iceberg runs out of fuel.

Skye: The item that messed up Hartley's arm, it had those weird symbols on it, the ones you've had me researching.
Phil Coulson: The same symbols? You sure?
Skye: Yes.
[In Coulson's office]
Skye: They came up out of the object. It reminded me of Braille. It was like Hartley triggered something by touching it. What the hell is that thing?
Phil Coulson: I have no idea. But good work.
Skye: "Good work"? How about, "holy crap, Skye. We got to get on that"?

Skye: You remember that encrypted Hydra frequency we shut down? Well, it's back up.
Phil Coulson: Someone sent a message.
Skye: A message for us with a phone number to call.
Melinda May: Yeah, could be Creel.
Antoine Triplett: Creel? A phone number? What, is he lonely?
Skye: I doubt it. The guy is jacked. And he can turn any body part into any material.
Phil Coulson: Okay. Thank you for that.

Phil Coulson: What do you want, Raina?
Raina: It's what I don't want, which is the Obelisk falling into the hands of people who don't understand it. I'm thinking you might.
Phil Coulson: And I'm thinking you're gonna tell me why.
Raina: John Garrett understood it. The moment he was injected with the same drug that saved you, he had visions. He started carving those visions on the walls.
Phil Coulson: Garrett was a madman.
Raina: Garrett was enlightened. He witnessed our fate... what we'd become. Have you?

Lance Hunter: You need warm bodies. Is that it?
Phil Coulson: I need skilled assets in the field who are willing to step over the line, to do the wrong thing but for the right reason. I need you because I can't be you. Not anymore.

Melinda May: May: What is wrong with you? You're director now, not some level 1 field agent.
Phil Coulson: There are no levels anymore. I got rid of those.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Bridge (#1.10)" (2013)
Phil Coulson: Edison Po, former Marine, expert in tactics and rapid response. Fell off the grid in '08, reappeared 18 months ago at a diner in Boston.
Grant Ward: Where he stabbed a friend's eyes out.
Phil Coulson: With a steak knife and finished his meal.
Skye: That's funny. Po doesn't look crazy. I'm kidding. The guy's a walking mug shot.

Mike Peterson: Agent Coulson?
Phil Coulson: Mr. Peterson, if you could put that bulldozer back where you found it... we need you to suit up.

Raina: I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Phil Coulson: Lucky for you.

Phil Coulson: They couldn't have a psychic. They're not on the index. They're a myth.
Skye: So is Thor.

Phil Coulson: [Talking about his last girlfriend] She was a cellist, second chair. Portland Symphony; saw her play whenever I was in town. Ever see a beautiful woman play the cello?
Grant Ward: No.
Phil Coulson: It's something else. She laughed at my jokes, too, which was a very nice bonus.

Phil Coulson: I asked May to look into SHIELD's more restricted files.
Skye: I was kind of hoping to keep this private.
Phil Coulson: Agent May specializes in private.

Grant Ward: Not sure why you wanted to go with the lottery story, sir. It's a tough sell.
Phil Coulson: Exactly. Nothing makes people more suspicious than a handsome man offering them free money.

Skye: It would be a lot shorter if I could access more files. Maybe remove my internet nanny. I'm talking about my track bracelet.
Phil Coulson: I got that.
Skye: So you'll take it off?
Phil Coulson: No.

Phil Coulson: Mr. Peterson, this agent Grant Ward. He's the man who shot you at Union Station. Fitz, Simmons designed the weapon he used, and I think you remember...
[interrupted by Skye]
Skye: [nodding with huge smile] ... kidnap victim.

Phil Coulson: Katherine Shane?
Skye: Do you know her?
Phil Coulson: We ran a few ops together in the '90s. Smart, resourceful. Had a soft spot for Truffaut movies.
Skye: Easy there, charm school.

Phil Coulson: [Watching a video of men breaking into a prison by smashing through the roof] At 08-00 hours, three men infiltrated the Havenworth federal penitentiary.
Skye: Infiltrated? More like cannonballed.

Mike Peterson: Agent Coulson, Agent May.
[May says nothing and turns away coldly]
Phil Coulson: Last time you saw her, you threw her into a brick wall.
Mike Peterson: Right.
Mike Peterson: First time around, I wasn't who I wanted to be, but now I get it. Having all this it's a privilege. And training to be an agent, working with SHIELD, it's me trying to do better, trying to be better. I just need you to give me a shot.
Phil Coulson: Everyone deserves a second chance. But let me be clear: there will not be a third.

Phil Coulson: Their technology keeps advancing at a disturbingly rapid pace. They must have endless manpower, resources.
Skye: And someone with a *fat* wallet.
Jemma Simmons: Po's the strategist. Raina's the recruiter. Perhaps this Clairvoyant's the money.
Leo Fitz: That makes sense. If I could see the future, I'd go straight to Las Vegas.

Phil Coulson: Whatever this is, whatever you think you're doing, it won't work. I won't give you what you want.
Raina: You will. And we want is simple. We want you to tell us about the day after you died.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Pilot (#1.1)" (2013)
Phil Coulson: Don't EVER tell me there's no way!

Leo Fitz: [to Agent Ward] One of Coulson's old S.H.I.E.L.D. collectibles. Flamethrowers, world's first GPS. He's made for this crap.
Phil Coulson: [to the SHIELD C-17 loadmaster regarding his classic Corvette] Don't touch Lola.
Leo Fitz: And he calls it a girl's name.
Phil Coulson: Lola's not just a collectible, you know. People tend to confuse the words "new" and "improved."

Maria Hill: The battle of the New York was the end of the world. This - now - is the new world. People are different. They have access to tech, to formula, secrets they're not ready for.
Grant Ward: Why was I pulled out of Paris?
Maria Hill: That, you have to ask Agent Coulson.
Grant Ward: Uh, yeah. I'm clearance Level Six. I know that... Agent Coulson was killed in action before the battle of New York. Got the full report.
Phil Coulson: [walks out of the dark] Welcome to Level Seven.
[Normal voice]
Phil Coulson: Sorry, that corner was really dark, I couldn't help myself. I think there's a bulb out.

Grant Ward: Director Fury faked your death - to motivate the Avengers.
Maria Hill: Well, the death of a common ally is a particulary team builder.
Phil Coulson: Plus, it wasn't much of a stretch. I stopped breathing for about 40 seconds.
Maria Hill: Eight. It gets longer every time you tell it.
Phil Coulson: Yeah, well, you get shanked by the Asgardian Mussolini, you can tell it your way. I was looking at the big white light, and it felt a lot longer than eight seconds.
Grant Ward: Do they know? The Avengers - that Fury played them?
Maria Hill: They're not Level Seven.
Phil Coulson: Got of the I.C.U., Fury stuck me in a grass shack in Tahiti. Rough gig. Mai Tais, Travis McGee novels, and a physical therapist whose command of English was... irrelevant.

Phil Coulson: Agent Hill did a very detailed assessment of your last three missions. Combat, top grades. Espionage, she gave you the highest marks since Romanoff. Under people skills she drew a... I think it's a little poop, with knives sticking out of it.
Grant Ward: WHAT?
Phil Coulson: That's bad right?
Maria Hill: [after Ward leaves] It was a porcupine. It was not a poop. It just means he...
Phil Coulson: No, I'm pretty sure...
[Looks at the book]

Dr. Streiten: I would have been very happy not to clear you, Phil. I'd love for you to rest up some more.
Phil Coulson: I've had plenty of that. Thanks.
Maria Hill: You sure?
Phil Coulson: You should go sometime.
Maria Hill: Where?
Phil Coulson: Tahiti. It's a magical place.
Maria Hill: Three days in, I'd be begging for an assignment.
Phil Coulson: Exactly.
[Coulson leaves]
Dr. Streiten: Tahiti. He really doesn't know does he?
Maria Hill: He can never know.

Melinda May: I'm not going back in the field.
Phil Coulson: Yeah. You've got such a nice setup here. You ever thought about adding a moat? I just need you to drive the bus, liase ground transpo, some on-site supervision. This isn't a combat op.
Melinda May: Then you don't need me.
Phil Coulson: I do. 'Cause we'll be running ourselves. Picking the ops... making the calls. No red tape. This is where they actually make the red tape, isn't it? I always wondered. Melinda.
Melinda May: You're really just asking me to drive the bus?
Phil Coulson: I'm not asking. But it's a really nice bus.

Mike Peterson: You said if we worked hard, if we did right, we'd have a place. You said it was enough to be a man but there's better then man! There's gods... and the rest of us? What are we? They're giants... we're what they step on.
Phil Coulson: I know. I've seen giants, up close, and that privilege cost me, nearly everything. But the good ones, the real deal? They're not heroes because of what they have that we don't, it's what they do with it. You're right, Mike, it matters who you are.
Mike Peterson: I could, you know? Be a hero.
Phil Coulson: I'm counting on it.

Phil Coulson: She's an asset.
Grant Ward: She is such an... wait, "asset"?

Phil Coulson: [In Skye's interrogation] This is QNB-T16. It's the top-shelf martini of sodium pentothal derivatives. It's a brand-new and extremely potent truth drug. Don't worry. The effects only last about an hour.
Grant Ward: And you'll have a nice little nap. And we'll have all the answers to our...
[Coulson injects Ward]
Grant Ward: Hey! What the hell?
Phil Coulson: I'm sorry. Did that hurt?
Grant Ward: No, you've lost your mind. You should never do that to a member of your team. And yes, it did hurt a little bit, but I try to mask my pain in front of a beautiful woman, it makes me seem more masculine. MY GOD this stuff works fast.
Phil Coulson: [to Skye] Don't trust us? Ask him whatever you'd like.
Grant Ward: Wait a minute. Wait. You can't just...
[Coulson opens the door and leaves; as Ward shouts after him]
Grant Ward: This is definitely not protocol!

Phil Coulson: Hey. Did you hear the one about the guy who's afraid of flying?
Grant Ward: [Absolute seriousness] I've done a night jump into a drop zone under heavy fire sir. I can handle it.
Phil Coulson: That was a... joke. The first part of a... I'm not gonna tell it now.

Grant Ward: Look at this place. You're gonna risk thousands of lives over some nobody.
Phil Coulson: [Cheerily] Nobody's nobody Ward.

Phil Coulson: Have you thought about the offer?
Skye: Hitching a ride on the crazy plane? I'm not exactly a team player.
Phil Coulson: We're not exactly a team. But we're in a position to do some good. You'd be a great help. And you'd be front row center at the strangest show on earth. Which is after all what you wanted.
Skye: I was able to hack S.H.I.E.L.D. from my van. You're gonna show me something new?
Phil Coulson: [Phone rings, answers] Go.
Grant Ward: Sir, we've got an 801.
Phil Coulson: Is that confirmed?
Grant Ward: They want *us* to go in and confirm it.
Phil Coulson: What's an 801?
Phil Coulson: [Starts car] You've got exactly 10 minutes to decide if you really want to know.
Skye: There's no way we can make it to the airfield in
[See Lola is now hovering above the ground]
Skye: ... 10 minutes.
Phil Coulson: The tide is rising.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Writing on the Wall (#2.7)" (2014)
Jemma Simmons: [Regarding Tahiti project] The patients' files were all destroyed, how will anyone be able to locate them?
Phil Coulson: I don't know.
Skye: How many Tahiti patients were there?
Phil Coulson: I don't know.
Jemma Simmons: Do you think the killer will come after the two of you?
Phil Coulson: I don't know.

Phil Coulson: How long were you standing there?
Skye: Long enough. May gave out specific instructions: you go on a date with a crazy wall. I get to chaperone

Skye: You know we're breaking about 14 laws right now?
Phil Coulson: One of the perks of being outlaws.

Skye: In the history of bad ideas, this is light-years ahead of everything.
Phil Coulson: No, trying to bring dead agents back to life using alien blood blows everything else away.
Skye: They buried those memories for a reason, Coulson. They were driving people insane. And now you want to uncover it when you've been getting worse. May would never...
Phil Coulson: May's not the director. This is my call. I was put in charge of the Tahiti project, so those people are my responsibility. If going back in this machine saves even one life, then it's worth the risk.

Phil Coulson: I didn't want to wake you.
Skye: Do I look like I've been sleeping?
Phil Coulson: What's keeping you up
Skye: [Looks at the alien writing] It's all connected everything. Ward has information about my father, who just happens to have the alien buzzkill device, which is somehow connected to the writing, that is related to the G. H. serum that is in our blood like we're pieces to a puzzle. Except we don't know what the puzzle is or how the pieces even fit.
Skye: It's a hacker's worst nightmare, everlasting gobstopper of firewalls.
Phil Coulson: It wants us to know. I can feel it.
Skye: Then *it* should tell us, because I have been trying to match the writing to constellation maps, navigational charts, genome diagrams. And if it's a map, it's a map to nowhere.

Antoine Triplett: [Tracking Ward] Triplett here. I've got eyes on the prize. I've got a clear shot and a trigger finger that needs some love.
Melinda May: No. Stand by and wait for your orders.
Antoine Triplett: Director, say the word. I can end this.
Phil Coulson: The senator wants him alive.
Antoine Triplett: What do you want?
Phil Coulson: Bring him in... by any means necessary.

Jemma Simmons: She had GH.325 in her blood.
Phil Coulson: A Tahiti patient.
Jemma Simmons: Whoever killed her also had GH-325 in their blood.
Skye: Don't look at me. I didn't do it.

Dr. Goodman: This isn't a failure, Agent Coulson. It's a first step. We rejuvenated life.
Phil Coulson: This isn't life. We need to shut it down and destroy the host.
Dr. Goodman: You can't do that! It's thousands of years old, pre-dating the pyramids! We haven't even scratched the surface of the benefits.
Phil Coulson: These are human beings, not lab rats!

Sebastian Derik: Agent Coulson, I've got bad news. The lunatics are running the Asylum. Do you remember me, Coulson? Do you remember what you did to me?
Phil Coulson: I tried to help you.
Sebastian Derik: What, by erasing my memories, trying to change who I was?
Phil Coulson: It was the only way to save you.
Sebastian Derik: It didn't work.

Hank Thompson: So, I was some kind of super-spy?
Phil Coulson: One of the best. We could use you. The whole story's right here what you were, who you were.
Hank Thompson: I know who I am. I'm Hank Thompson. I've got a wife I love, a kid I adore, and every day, I wake up happy. I can't imagine I was happy being a spy. Um, no offense.
Phil Coulson: None taken.

Phil Coulson: To answer the question on everyone's mind, no, I'm not crazy. I know in the past few months, it may have seemed like I was leading you on some fool's errand, chasing after strange carvings and artifacts. At times, I questioned it myself wondering if I was chasing windmills, trying to solve some unsolvable puzzle. But the pieces are coming together. The puzzle's taking shape. The bad news HYDRA's trying to solve the same puzzle, and they have more resources. The good news we now have a piece they don't have. Everything we've been doing, it all leads here.
[Shows the alien city on the screen]
Phil Coulson: Our job: find it before anyone else.

The Avengers (2012)
[from trailer]
Agent Phil Coulson: What do we do?
Nick Fury: We get ready.

[from trailer]
Agent Phil Coulson: [to Hill] I think we need to time-out.

Agent Phil Coulson: [via phone] Mr Stark, we need to talk.
Tony Stark: You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message.
Agent Phil Coulson: This is urgent.
Tony Stark: Then leave it urgently.
[Coulson enters Stark's penthouse, hanging up his cellphone]
Tony Stark: Security breach.
Tony Stark: [to Pepper] That's on you.
Agent Phil Coulson: Mr Stark.
Pepper Potts: Phil! Come in.
Tony Stark: "Phil?" Uh, his first name is "Agent."

Thor: We on Asgard pretend that we are more advanced, but we, we come here battling like Bilgesnipe.
Agent Phil Coulson: Like what?
Thor: The Bilgesnipe, you know; huge, scaly, big antlers. You don't have those?
Agent Phil Coulson: Don't think so.
Thor: They are repulsive, and they trample everything in their path.

Agent Phil Coulson: You're at 114 Solenski Plaza, 3rd floor. We have an F-22 exactly eight miles out. Put the woman on the phone or I will blow up the block before you can make the lobby.
[Luchkov, intimidated, puts the phone between Natasha's ear and shoulder]
Agent Phil Coulson: We need you to come in.
Natasha Romanoff: [tied to a chair] Are you kidding? I'm working.
Agent Phil Coulson: This takes precedence.
Natasha Romanoff: I'm in the middle of an interrogation. This moron is giving me everything.
Georgi Luchkov: [to his cohorts] I don't... give everything.
Natasha Romanoff: Look, you can't pull me out of this right now
Agent Phil Coulson: Natasha, Barton's been compromised.
Natasha Romanoff: Let me put you on hold.
[Phil patiently holds while Natasha whips butt]

Agent Phil Coulson: You're gonna lose.
Loki: Am I?
Agent Phil Coulson: It's in your nature.
Loki: Your heroes are scattered, your floating fortress falls from the sky... where is my disadvantage?
Agent Phil Coulson: You lack conviction.
Loki: I don't think I...
[Coulson shoots Loki with his BFG, causing Loki to be blown through the wall behind him]
Agent Phil Coulson: So that's what it does.

Natasha Romanoff: [on the phone] Where is Barton now?
Agent Phil Coulson: We don't know.
Natasha Romanoff: But he's alive?
Agent Phil Coulson: We think so. I'll brief you on everything when you get back. But first, we need you to talk to the big guy.
Natasha Romanoff: Coulson, you know that Stark trusts me about as far as he can throw me.
Agent Phil Coulson: Oh, I've got Stark. You get the big guy.
Natasha Romanoff: [realizing he means Bruce Banner, stops dead in her tracks] Bozhe moi.
[Russian for 'My God']

[In a Quinjet, Agent Coulson walks to Steve Rogers who is seated and looks at Bruce Banner's file on his laptop]
Steve Rogers: So this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me?
Agent Phil Coulson: A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula.
[Steve watches the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University and the Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart]
Steve Rogers: Didn't really go his way, did it?
Agent Phil Coulson: Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking.
[Steve looks puzzled, not understanding the reference]
Agent Phil Coulson: He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially. I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board.
Steve Rogers: Well, I hope I'm the man for the job.
Agent Phil Coulson: Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input.
Steve Rogers: The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old-fashioned?
Agent Phil Coulson: With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old-fashioned.

[Nick Fury and Dr. Bruce Banner shake hands]
Nick Fury: Doctor, thank you for coming.
Bruce Banner: Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying?
Nick Fury: Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear.
Bruce Banner: Where are you with that?
[Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen]
Agent Phil Coulson: We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cell phones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us.
Natasha Romanoff: That's still not gonna find them in time.
Bruce Banner: You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to?
Nick Fury: How many are there?
Bruce Banner: Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work?
Nick Fury: Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr. Banner to his laboratory, please.
[Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall]
Natasha Romanoff: You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys.

[Nick Fury goes over to the fatally-wounded Coulson]
Agent Phil Coulson: I'm sorry, boss. The god rabbited.
Nick Fury: Just stay awake. Eyes on me.
Agent Phil Coulson: No. I'm clocked out here.
Nick Fury: Not an option.
Agent Phil Coulson: It's okay, boss. This was never going to work... if they didn't have something... to...
[Agent Coulson looks away and sighs his last breath. Nick Fury looks on grimly at Coulson]
Nick Fury: Agent Coulson is down.
Unknown SHIELD Agent: Paramedics are on their way.
Nick Fury: They're already here.
[Maria Hill listens on her headset, as do Captain America and Iron Man from another room]
Nick Fury: They called it.

Pepper Potts: Come on in. We're celebrating.
Tony Stark: Which is why he can't stay.
[flashes Coulson phony smile]
Agent Phil Coulson: We need you to look this over as soon as possible.
Tony Stark: I don't like being handed things...
Pepper Potts: [cuts Tony off] That's fine, because I love to be handed things.
[Pepper exchanges her champagne glass for Coulson's tablet]
Pepper Potts: So, let's trade.
[She takes Tony's champagne and gives him the tablet]
Pepper Potts: Thank you.
Tony Stark: [to Coulson] Official consulting hours are between 8 and 5 every other Thursday.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Girl in the Flower Dress (#1.5)" (2013)
Phil Coulson: Go ahead, say it.
Melinda May: I don't do petty.
Phil Coulson: But you called it. I trusted my gut even though you said she was a risk.
Melinda May: When someone breaks into my house, I usually don't invite them to stay. But that's me.
Phil Coulson: That's me too. Then that alien staff when through my heart.
Melinda May: Sure it didn't go through the brain?
Phil Coulson: You really don't do comforting either do you?

Phil Coulson: You've got two choices - take what's in this box, or we put you in a slightly bigger one.

Melinda May: His file say anything about him being homicidal?
Phil Coulson: Just said he was kind of a tool.

Phil Coulson: Mr. Chan, believe it or not, this could still get worse.
Chan Ho Yin: Bend someone long enough and they break. Poor little Chan Ho Yen may have believed your lies... but not Scorch!
Melinda May: Who?
Phil Coulson: Oh, crap. They gave him a name.

Skye: [about the subjects on the Index] How are they monitored? Tapped phones? Satellite surveillance... body probes? In dark, unpleasant places?
Leo Fitz: Body probes, that's ridiculous, SHIELD doesn't do that. We don't do that...
[Looks at Coulson]
Leo Fitz: do we?
Phil Coulson: The methods vary.

Melinda May: Everyone, this is Agent Kwan, Chan Ho Yin's case agent. What can you tell us?
Agent Kwan: [On video-conference] Not much, I'm afraid. Chan is a magician, so at first, I thought he'd made himself disappear.
Phil Coulson: File said you caught him violating his index agreement before.
Agent Kwan: On two separate occasions - Claimed we were "hampering his artistic expression". But late last night, he was taken by professionals. The only thing they left behind Was this scrap of aluminized material.
Jemma Simmons: Fireproof clothing.
Grant Ward: So whoever took him knew about his power.
Agent Kwan: Yes, and we think we know why. Over the last few days, Tech division discovered a crack into our data stream. It's the same cyber punks who hacked us before. Somehow, they got in *again*. It's the Rising Tide.
[Everyone turns and stares at Skye]
Agent Kwan: Hello? It got real quiet. You guys still there?

Phil Coulson: [Watching Skye hack] How close are we?
Leo Fitz: She's identified the remote-access Trojan and the infected endpoint...
Jemma Simmons: ...And is searching for a tcp to correlate the hypertext with signature information and then, Voila.
Leo Fitz: ...Bob's your uncle.
Phil Coulson: You get any of that?
Grant Ward: Only the uncle part.

Leo Fitz: Miles Lydon, not Skye - that's to all of our relief.
Phil Coulson: [to Skye] You know him.
Skye: Every hacker in the world knows him.
Jemma Simmons: Not just the hacker world. He infiltrated the *Kremlin*
Leo Fitz: Yeah, the picture of, uh, Putin shirtless on horseback, that was his hack.

Phil Coulson: [about the Centipede facility] Building has five floors. The first four are research.Fifth is listed as maintenance, but uses half the building's energy.
Agent Kwan: Either they're guarding the world's largest vacuum...
Phil Coulson: Or that's where Chan's being held.

Melinda May: [Speaking Chinese] Chan, I'm sorry you lived a life you didn't want, but violence will solve nothing.
Chan Ho Yin: [Also in Chinese] It will keep me from being kept prisoner. By you, by them; there's no difference. I was given this gift for a reason. To burn bright.
Melinda May: [Still Chinese] There's no turning back.
Chan Ho Yin: [Chinese] I don't want to go back!
Phil Coulson: [Looks at May] So we're good, right?

Grant Ward: You can't save someone from themselves, sir.
Phil Coulson: You can if you get to them early enough.
[Looks at Skye]

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Only Light in the Darkness (#1.19)" (2014)
Phil Coulson: I assume the prisoners are no longer prisoners.
Skye: So... Ian Quinn...
Grant Ward: I'm sorry. He's out. They all are.
Leo Fitz: And Garrett? Did he get away?
Grant Ward: Couldn't stop him taking The Fridge, but I wasn't gonna let Garrett walk... Not after what he did.
Skye: Is he the one who did this to you?
Grant Ward: He was a tough son of a bitch.
Melinda May: "Was? Past tense?
Grant Ward: Soon as I had the upper hand, I put two in the back of his head.
Leo Fitz: Good.
Grant Ward: One from me... One from you.
Antoine Triplett: I would have emptied the mag.

Agent Eric Koenig: Just gonna need you guys to answer a few questions, a few psychoanalytic, non sequitur questions.
Phil Coulson: A lie detector.
Agent Eric Koenig: *The* lie detector, Agent Coulson. This baby measures galvanic skin response, oxygen consumption, micro-expressions, biofeedback brain waves, pupil dilation, voice biometrics - 96 variables in all. Fury designed this himself. He wanted a lie detector Romanoff couldn't beat.
Grant Ward: Did she?
Agent Eric Koenig: [scoffs] Like Fury would tell!

Agent Eric Koenig: No, you're not. Absolutely not. You can't leave. There are protocols.
Phil Coulson: Since the entire's agency pretty much collapsed, maybe now is not the time to stand on protocol.
Agent Eric Koenig: Fine. Forget protocols. What part of "secret base" don't you get? Fury said to let you in, and you show up with a bunch of people?
Phil Coulson: Agents!
Agent Eric Koenig: Whatever. The point is, they know what this place is now, and *I* don't know them.
Phil Coulson: Hydra just released the entire population of The Fridge into the wild. There's gonna be violence. People will die. And I still consider it my duty to be the shield that protects them.
Agent Eric Koenig: Moving speech, truly. But nobody leaves until they go through orientation.

Melinda May: I remember when you brought Daniels in. I know how personal this is for you, but...
Phil Coulson: We don't do personal... not anymore.
Melinda May: Phil, the polygraph cleared me. I'm not hiding anything.
Phil Coulson: You mean you're not hiding *anything* else, unless you *do* know who was behind the Tahiti project.
Melinda May: I didn't ask. I was ordered not to. And you would have done the same thing. Our job is to follow orders.
Phil Coulson: It's also our job to determine right from wrong. Watching someone in agony, searching for the truth, not saying anything - that's wrong.
Melinda May: Look, I was just trying...
Phil Coulson: And don't tell me it's because you care so damn much. Fury's no longer around telling you what to do, so why are you here? You want some orders to follow? Follow mine, or find somewhere else to be.

Phil Coulson: Mr. Daniels, we don't want to hurt you. We need to take you in, for your safety and the safety of others.
Marcus Daniels: It was you! You took me there! They did things to me there!
Phil Coulson: They were trying to contain you.
Marcus Daniels: No! They were trying to make me stronger. And they did.

Phil Coulson: Yeah, we're safe here. But what about everyone else? The people that don't happen to have access to a top secret, underground shelter? What about them? I don't know if it's wise, but it's right. I'm taking a team, and that's the end of it.

Phil Coulson: Marcus Daniels was an assistant at a physics lab where they were trying to harness the electrical power of something called "Darkforce". And nothing bad ever happens when you work with something called "Darkforce."

Jemma Simmons: Where's our bus?
Leo Fitz: And our team?
Phil Coulson: I don't know.

Phil Coulson: You're safe. I'm still here. I promise. I'm still here with you.
Audrey Nathan: [Semi-conscious] Phil...

Phil Coulson: I gave Daniels to S.H.I.E.L.D. to rehabilitate him. Turns out, they just gave him an upgrade.
Leo Fitz: Well, I mean, there's a slight chance he would absorb the energy and gain more power, but it's unlikely.
Phil Coulson: Who did you say created this technology, again?
Leo Fitz: Bruce Banner.
Phil Coulson: Then I'm sure it'll go off without a hitch.

Phil Coulson: Skye, I need you on threat assessment. Pull up a list of all the inmates at the Fridge. I want to know just how bad this is.
Skye: This is really, really bad. Quinn is the least scary of the bunch, and he shot me - twice.
Phil Coulson: Quinn's more a sociopath. A lot of those inmates are full-blown psychopaths - Violent, impulsive.
Skye: And some with superpowers. Lovely.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: FZZT (#1.6)" (2013)
Jemma Simmons: This is the victim's brain.
Phil Coulson: It looks like a burnt baked potato.

Melinda May: Whether it was 8 seconds or 40, you died. There's no way you can go through a trauma like that and not come out of it changed. You know how long it's taken me to...
Phil Coulson: I know.
Melinda May: The point of these things is to remind us that... There is no going back, there's only moving forward. You feel different because you *are* different.

Melinda May: That her medical report?
Phil Coulson: Mine, actually. Blood work finally came back. I'm perfectly normal - little heavy on the iron. But don't worry - you don't have to start calling me Iron Man.
Melinda May: Wasn't planning on it.

Phil Coulson: [Entering the lab] What's Fitz doing out there?
Jemma Simmons: He... detected a strange energy about the body.
Phil Coulson: He's afraid of it, isn't he?
Leo Fitz: [From the other room] It's the smell!

Phil Coulson: Any idea what could cause an effect like this?
Jemma Simmons: [Speaking in unison with Fitz] There's the soliton hypothesis.
Leo Fitz: Well, okay, judging by the horizontal...
Jemma Simmons: Perhaps nanobatteries...
Leo Fitz: ...electrical discharge could be...
Phil Coulson: [Interrupting] Time. Let's try again. Any idea what could cause an effect like this?
Jemma Simmons: Hell if I know.
Leo Fitz: Uh, no, no clue.

Jemma Simmons: Well, you can officially tell your physical therapist that you're fit as the proverbial fiddle, especially for a man of your age.
Phil Coulson: "A man of my age?" That's something you say to an old person.

Phil Coulson: I got hurt once - pretty bad. And, I died. Some say it was for only eight seconds, but I know it was for more than that. I know I wasn't here anymore. I was there.
Tony Diaz: What's it like?
Phil Coulson: It's beautiful.

Jemma Simmons: [Coulson is running on the treadmill] Working up a good sweat there, sir?
Phil Coulson: I don't sweat, I glisten.

Agent Blake: Coulson, nice to see you're not dead.
Phil Coulson: Did you get our analysis of the virus?
Agent Blake: We did, and SHIELD has no record of anything like it. No one does. So it's imperative it reach the sandbox without incident. In case of a pandemic, we're going to need it.
Phil Coulson: I'm aware, but don't need more orders or ultimatums. I need answers.
Agent Blake: I wish I had some for you. I'm sorry, Coulson I've been ordered to inform you that if you have infected cargo, you need to dump it.
[Coulson is silent]
Agent Blake: Do you copy me, Coulson? The orders are coming from up top.
Phil Coulson: I'm sorry bad connection. Didn't get that last part.
[Hangs up the conference call, As May walks in]
Phil Coulson: Don't even think it.
Melinda May: I don't have to. That's your job.

Agent Blake: [Final Scene] That's the best you could come up with, you got a bad connection?
Phil Coulson: I was pressed for time.
Agent Blake: Bold move. You know our chat wasn't exactly private.
Phil Coulson: They never are.
Agent Blake: I don't know what happened to you in New York, if you really flat-lined or that's just what they tell us when we reach level 7; but whatever did happen doesn't give you license to disobey a direct order from HQ. You keep pulling stunts like that, someone might decide to take this little dream team away from you.
Phil Coulson: I'd like to see them try.
Agent Blake: That doesn't sound like the Phil Coulson I used to know.
Phil Coulson: No, I suppose it doesn't. Get used to it.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Asset (#1.3)" (2013)
Phil Coulson: You forget, I saw plenty of action with the Avengers.
Melinda May: [Coulson walks away. Quietly to herself] And you died.

Dr. Franklin Hall: [about Quinn] He's addicted to exploiting opportunities. He never gives a thought to the friends, ecosystems, future generations left ruined in his wake.
Phil Coulson: Like Agents Fitz and Simmons, your former students? I've got them in my ear right now, telling me you're not a bad guy. We could've worked with you on this.
Dr. Franklin Hall: SHIELD? SHIELD is just as guilty of the same thing! Experimentation without thought of consequence! Your search for an unlimited power source brought an alien invasion.
Phil Coulson: Fair point.

Phil Coulson: Dr. Hall, Agent Coulson, we have an exit strategy.
Dr. Franklin Hall: SHIELD?
Phil Coulson: Yes sir. We let's get you out of here.
Dr. Franklin Hall: Well, I'm sorry Mr. Coulson; I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
Phil Coulson: [pauses for a moment, stunned] I'll be honest. Our strategy did not take into consideration you saying that.

Grant Ward: I know Director Fury felt he owes you after you scarified yourself.
Phil Coulson: And my card collection.

Phil Coulson: We need a reset here Fitz. Fitz?
Jemma Simmons: Saying his name repeatedly, does not increase productivity!
Leo Fitz: Okay, done!
Jemma Simmons: ...Or maybe it does.

Grant Ward: And the attackers?
Phil Coulson: Invisible.
Skye: Wait, invisible? Cool.
[Grant glares]
Skye: But terrible.

Phil Coulson: [Interrupting Chesterfield's horse-back riding] Excuse me.
Todd Chesterfield: Who the hell are you?
Phil Coulson: A concerned citizen who happens to be a member of a gigantic bureaucratic organization that is tracking your every move.

Grant Ward: I need a new strategy.
Phil Coulson: Try no strategy. Stop thinking like an operative, start thinking like a person. Maybe Skye will let that person help her.
Grant Ward: Help her what?
Phil Coulson: Think like an operative.

Phil Coulson: [after Dr. Hall hits a switch on the gravity-altering device and Coulson flies across the room] Something tells me that *wasn't* the "off" button.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Turn, Turn, Turn (#1.17)" (2014)
Phil Coulson: [about Hydra] Cut off a head, two more will take its place.
John Garrett: Is it a head? I thought it was a limb.
Leo Fitz: No, no, no, it's a head.
Phil Coulson: It's a head.

John Garrett: Phil, this is me being honest.
Phil Coulson: No, John, this is you being a psychopath.

Phil Coulson: We fly in there and face the music, even if it is the HYDRA theme song.

Phil Coulson: Drop the weapon.
Melinda May: Coulson...
Phil Coulson: Drop the damn weapon and kick it over the stairs, May! Now! NOW!

Melinda May: Fury knew you'd want me to join up, asked me to keep an eye on you.
Phil Coulson: Looking for what?
Melinda May: Signs of physical or mental deterioration, to keep him updated. It's that simple.
Phil Coulson: Did you know about Tahiti? How could you do that to me? After all we've been through, the years we spent together in ops...
Melinda May: He said it was essential you couldn't know.
Phil Coulson: The time I spent sifting through ashes with you in Bahrain? I gave you a second chance when I assembled this team...
Melinda May: I assembled this team.
Phil Coulson: What?
Melinda May: I evaluated what was needed, and I gave the assessment to Fury, and he gave you parameters for your unit.
Phil Coulson: What was needed, May?
Melinda May: Someone who could repair your body, a technician who could reprogram your brain, and a specialist to help me put you down if it had to be done. But I didn't do it for Fury. I did it for you, to protect you! I - You mean a lot to me. A lot. To hear you were dead... you may not believe me, but that's the truth. And I have nothing to do with the clairvoyant or this Hydra threat we're up against. Hopefully this helps prove that.
Phil Coulson: I want to believe you... But you've used that against me this whole time.

John Garrett: I'll say it again. Best bet to save her - use the ventilation system to get above the sit room. Drop down using Fitz's sweet, little mouse hole, and put two bullets through Victoria Hand's heart.
Leo Fitz: Yeah, it's an option, sir.
Phil Coulson: Without questioning?
John Garrett: Questioning what? Whether she wants to kill us fast or slow?
Phil Coulson: Last time we did that, we shot the wrong man.
John Garrett: Because she wanted us to! Phil, this is a battle for S.H.I.E.L.D.'s soul, and we're on the front lines. History will remember us this day.
Phil Coulson: That's right. It's for S.H.I.E.L.D.'s soul. And murder without consideration is a sure...
John Garrett: "Consideration"? Consider this. She had one of my men killed with a bomb rigged to his gas pedal. The other two were floating in the hotel pool, and they weren't doing the backstroke.
Melinda May: But we can just as easily ice her.
John Garrett: You don't put someone like her on ice. She had Skye shot in the stomach - in the stomach - because she was curious. Mike Peterson - burned alive and turned into some kind of freak. She tortured you, using the same machine she used to brainwash that bitch in the flower dress. And right now, she's probably doing the same to Agent Simmons. Oh, I've considered it, my friend.
Leo Fitz: No. Simmons will be fine.
John Garrett: Just being realistic, kid.

Victoria Hand: Captain America has defeated the Helicarriers at the Triskelion. But his status is unknown.
Phil Coulson: And S.H.I.E.L.D. has fallen.
Victoria Hand: Hydra factions have taken control of our east African headquarters and the treehouse. And those are just the ones we know of.
Phil Coulson: It's gonna be a scramble, a power grab.
Victoria Hand: I'll head to the fridge. At least that facility is secure.

Phil Coulson: [about an unconscious May] She's a sleeper. I mean the other kind of sleeper.

John Garrett: I was happy when I heard you'd made it through.
Phil Coulson: So happy you had me tortured for three days to find out how I did it.
John Garrett: I didn't enjoy that. Phil, this is me being honest.
Phil Coulson: No, John, this is you being a psychopath.
John Garrett: [to May] I know you'd follow him to the grave, so...
[to Fitz]
John Garrett: As for you, Agent Fitz, you'd hold a very high rank on our Tech Division if you volunteer. If not, you'd have no rank and a lot of pain. Of course, either way, your services will be required.
Leo Fitz: You're gonna suffer for what you've done. And I... I plan on being a very big part of that.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Yes Men (#1.15)" (2014)
Jasper Sitwell: You know, usually, when a friend wants a favor, they do something nice - takes me to a nice restaurant, buys me a bottle of wine.
Phil Coulson: Want to go to a movie, hold hands?

Phil Coulson: [about Lady Sif] She's a warrior. I saw her fight in New Mexico with Thor - climbed a giant metal killing machine, speared it with her double-bladed sword. It was pretty badass.

Lady Sif: Lorelei's treachery has remained unchained, no matter the world.
Phil Coulson: We'll find them. Every agent is out in the area looking.
Lady Sif: To what end, hmm? The collar... has been broken. Short of death, we have no means to end her enchantment.
Phil Coulson: Let me worry about that. Stay here. And try not to punch a hole in my airplane.

Skye: I know that face, something gives me a feeling I should be sitting down for this.
Phil Coulson: I've been looking for a way to tell you this, looking around for some answers, something to help... explain... but I don't have any. So... the drug, the one who saved us both - when we found it, I discovered something else. Its source. It was... alien.
Skye: A-Alien, as in... unfamiliar?
Phil Coulson: No.
Skye: Wow.
Phil Coulson: The minute I learned what it was, I tried to keep them from injecting you with it, but I was too late. I'm so sorry, Skye.
Skye: You were trying to save my life. You *did* save my life.
Phil Coulson: I was desperate to, and I subjected you to unknown ramifications or side effects.
Skye: I'm sorry to say this, sir, but... so what? We are alive. And you've had that in you, uh, for some time now, and you're okay, right? Plus, you're not sprouting a pointy tail or anything, so bonus there.
Phil Coulson: I know nothing fazes you, but this should faze you. We are completely in the dark on this.
Skye: That's where we live. I'm an 0-8-4. Who knows what the hell that means? At least we're in the dark together.
Phil Coulson: Yes. But not for long. To hell with any protocols or any code I used to bound by. We have a long list of questions we need answers for, and we're going after them ourselves.
Skye: Well, if the team's up for it...
Phil Coulson: No. No, listen to me. I trust them, but we need to protect them from this. Fury went to dangerous lengths to keep this under wraps - lied to me, lied to S.H.I.E.L.D. This is a powerful secret, a secret men died for. Until we know why, we can't share this with anyone, for their safety and ours.
Skye: Got it. So what'll it be, A.C.? What do we go after first?
Phil Coulson: The person responsible for this. And we make him pay.

Jasper Sitwell: I don't know where director Fury is. Don't be so shocked. For a quiet guy you make a lot of noise. How many favors have you called in?
Phil Coulson: Clearly not enough.
Jasper Sitwell: Something I can help you with?
[Coulson stays quiet]
Jasper Sitwell: Fine, but Fury is a high level agent who is off grid. You don't find him unless he wants to find you. You did something like that once too. Remember? I never asked you. How was Tahiti?
Phil Coulson: It sucked.

Skye: What can I do? And don't you dare say "nothing" or tell me to sit down here and count ceiling tiles while Ward is missing.
Phil Coulson: Ward's got drop boxes and storage lockers all over the world. They're filled with currency, weapons, ID's. He's gonna use aliases, cash, anything to keep Lorelei off the radar. You're the best radar we have. Find them.

Phil Coulson: You've visited other realms, seen different species, aliens. Have you ever encountered any that were blue?
Lady Sif: Yes, of course.
Phil Coulson: Which ones?
Lady Sif: Uh, Interdites, Levians, Pheragots, Kree, Sarks, Centaurians. The Frost giants tried to conquer your Earth a millennia ago, but Asgard drove them away.
Phil Coulson: Oh. Well, thanks for that.

Jasper Sitwell: You know, usually when a friend wants a favor they do something nice. Takes me to a nice restaurant, buys me a nice bottle of wine.
Phil Coulson: Wanna go to a movie? Hold Hands?

Jasper Sitwell: I never asked you, how was Tahiti.
Phil Coulson: It sucked.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Magical Place (#1.11)" (2014)
Raina: It induces theta brain-wave frequencies to help uncover the secrets buried in the subconscious. If you cooperate, you can surf those waves.
Phil Coulson: I've gone surfing. That is definitely not like surfing.

Phil Coulson: I heard what you did for me. I think it's time that we remove this.
[Talks to her wrist binder]
Phil Coulson: Disengage bracelet.
[Bracket comes off]
Skye: Are you kidding me?
Phil Coulson: I thought you'd like that.

Raina: I know you don't want to believe it, but you can't tell me nothing makes you doubt, makes you wonder what happened in Tahiti.
Phil Coulson: It's a magical place. I keep saying that.
Raina: Don't you want to know why?

Edison Po: [after Coulson tries to escape, sees he's in a ghost town] The town that the bomb forgot. It was built in the '40s for nuclear testing, but when the cold war ended, the town was spared.
Phil Coulson: Not exactly prime real estate.
Edison Po: Mm, true.
Edison Po: There's nothing but desert for hundreds of miles. But I really like it. It's nice here. The children are always playing
[Solider comes up and grabs Coulson by the neck]
Edison Po: ... Yet never make a sound.

Raina: This is turning into an interesting day, isn't it?
Phil Coulson: So, you're my friend now? 'Cause I've seen what you do to your "friends".

Phil Coulson: You will not get classified intel from me.
Raina: I'm not interested in those secrets. The Clairvoyant can see within any agency, any government. He knows what the President dreams about at night. I want what you want to uncover a different secret, the secret SHIELD is keeping from *you*.

Phil Coulson: What makes you so sure this machine will even work?
Raina: It worked on me.
Phil Coulson: One thing before we start - what is it with the flowers?
Raina: Who doesn't like flowers? I'm glad you noticed.

Phil Coulson: Evening, Doctor.
Dr. Streiten: Agent Coulson.
Phil Coulson: You weren't operating on my heart. I know about Tahiti.
Dr. Streiten: I was afraid this day would come.
Phil Coulson: Because of what I'd do?
Dr. Streiten: Because of what I've done. After New York, you weren't dead for 8 seconds or 40 seconds or whatever they put in your file. You were dead for... days.
Phil Coulson: That's impossible.
Dr. Streiten: It should be.

Phil Coulson: Why was that machine messing with my brain?
Dr. Streiten: After what you'd been through we wanted to restore the man you'd once been, so we gave you a pleasant memory of a beautiful island. We didn't want you to be that... thing.
Phil Coulson: What did I become, Doctor? Tell me.
Dr. Streiten: You'd lost your will to live. We tried to give it back. I'm sorry, Agent Coulson. Truly, I am.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: T.R.A.C.K.S. (#1.13)" (2014)
Phil Coulson: What are you doing?
Jemma Simmons: I'm getting into character. My undercover persona harbors some residual resentment to her absent American father. Blames him for not being there when her mom died. So I apologize in advance if I come off a little cold.
Phil Coulson: You think all that back story's necessary?
Jemma Simmons: Past events, like that unfortunate incident at the Hub, have shown me that I'm *not* good at improvisation.

Grant Ward: Holotable... on. Holotable... activate.
Phil Coulson: It's pretty tricky, right? I couldn't even find the on button.

Jemma Simmons: All mom ever wanted was your love. To be with you! In our two-story Victorian home in the Cotswolds! But could you even give her a moment, what with your banking job requiring you to travel to the States from Tuesday to Saturday every other week? No! You may not have had any time for her, but you had time for your work... and your prostitutes!
Phil Coulson: Prostitutes, plural?

Grant Ward: The train it just...
Phil Coulson: Yep. Vanished. Which I might add, is not easy.

Phil Coulson: Not a grenade exactly. It might be some type of cloaking mechanism.
Grant Ward: Maybe it created some kind of portal. Jumped the train there.
Phil Coulson: Let's hope not. I can't deal with Asgard today.

Phil Coulson: [Coulsen and Ward see a truck] Keys might be in it.
Phil Coulson: [Ward shakes his head] It's the country. People are very trusting in the country.
Grant Ward: [Walks up to the truck] It's running.
[Looks closer]
Grant Ward: It's been hot-wired.
Phil Coulson: This is...
Grant Ward: Suspicious?
Phil Coulson: I was gonna say "fortuitous".

Phil Coulson: We got this information from the Italian authorities monitoring the situation.
Melinda May: And they don't mind us taking over this op?
Phil Coulson: I asked very nicely.

Train Conductor: As we round the bend, the passengers on the North side of the train can take in the views of the famous Tre cime di Lavaredo. Isn't it a wonder?
Jemma Simmons: Look at that. I haven't seen anything so beautiful since our family's scuba-diving trip to the island of Koh Tao in Southeastern Thailand.
Phil Coulson: Okay, Simmons, I appreciate all your preparation, but-...
Jemma Simmons: [Persistent] Don't you want to know which marine life we encountered?

Grant Ward: Uh, sir? This probably isn't the best time, but what May told you I would have preferred it to stay between me and her.
Phil Coulson: Well, "it" is happening on my bus, amongst members of my team.
Grant Ward: [Flustered] No, we've never... done - It's never happened on the bus, sir.
Phil Coulson: You want to do this now? Okay. What you're doing is against protocol, so if you endanger an operation or if anyone gets hurt, I'll reassign you to Barrow, Alaska, and you'll spend the rest of your years pulling the night shift guarding Blonsky's cryo-cell. Am I clear?
[Looks at Ward's face]
Phil Coulson: I'll take that as a yes. And if it's really just sex, Ward you should get more comfortable using the word.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: 0-8-4 (#1.2)" (2013)
Grant Ward: Skye, the girl is not qualified to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent.
Phil Coulson: That's why I invited her on as a consultant. S.H.I.E.L.D. does it all the time. Technically Stark is a consultant.

Skye: Sweet ride.
Phil Coulson: I earned a little good will from Director Fury when I got hit right before the battle of New York.
Skye: You took a bullet?
Phil Coulson: Ish.

Skye: I don't even know where we are going.
Phil Coulson: Peru. That's where the 0-8-4 was reported.
Skye: And an 0-8-4 is?
Phil Coulson: Object of unknown origin, kind of like you. Team goes in determines if it's useful or poses a threat. Last one turned out to be pretty interesting.
Skye: What was the last one?
Phil Coulson: A hammer.

Phil Coulson: We still need to iron out the kinks, but Ward you can speak 6 languages, Simmons you have 2 PHD's in fields I cannot pronounce, and Fitz you ARE a rocket scientist, so work it out.
Skye: [shouts after him] I'm... I'm good at stuff too!

Phil Coulson: [about Skye] Imagine what she'll do with our resources.
Grant Ward: I am. That's exactly what I'm imagining during this frown. You brought me on for risk assessment. She's a risk.
Phil Coulson: I'm calling this. But your frown will be on record.

Camilla Reyes: Oh, Phil, you're not even aware. Your re-newed idealism, your collectables, your air-borne man-cave; surrounding yourself with young, attractive agents - you're having a mid-life crisis.
Phil Coulson: [Mostly to himself] More of an after-life thing really.
Camilla Reyes: And I'm not even going to mention the red Corvette.
Phil Coulson: Her name is Lola.
Camilla Reyes: [laughs] Of course it is.

Nick Fury: Really? Really, Coulson? SIX DAYS? It only took you six days to take a completely renovated piece of state-of-the-art machinery and turn it into scrap?
Phil Coulson: My team acted with my authority.
Nick Fury: Authority! Don't talk to me about authority. Do you know how much this plane cost? It got a bar!
[Looks at it sadly]
Nick Fury: A really nice one. Talking to me about authority. You know, I have the authority to downgrade your ass to a Winnebago!
Phil Coulson: I'm aware of that, sir.
Nick Fury: Well, I want it fixed. Just like you found it. So don't have Fitz-Simmons going making modifications, like a, a damn fish tank.
Phil Coulson: Yes, sir.
[after Fury leaves]
Phil Coulson: Yeah, we're going to have to kill the fish tank.

Phil Coulson: Do you need anything before I go check on the device fueled by evil that's sitting in our cargo hold?
[May is silent]
Phil Coulson: This was fun.

Skye: What happened with Reyes, anyway?
Phil Coulson: She's being held at a S.H.I.E.L.D. detainment facility. I expect the Peruvian government will negotiate for her release. She probably won't spend much time in jail.
Skye: No, I mean what happened with you and Reyes? You guys totally did it back in the day, right?
Phil Coulson: [Smiles slightly] That's classified.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Ragtag (#1.21)" (2014)
Phil Coulson: We have no authority to do this. We're no longer S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. We're...
Leo Fitz: We're vigilantes.
Phil Coulson: I was gonna say, 'doing this because it's the right thing to do,' but... yeah.

Phil Coulson: So if you're with me, I'm gonna finish what I started. I'll be damned if I'm going to let Garrett and Ward get away with murder. And I want my plane back.

Phil Coulson: This is just about everything we've been dealing with. And this connects them all. Cybertek built Deathlok, shipped items to Quinn, who was working for the Clairvoyant, who turned out to be Garrett, who planted Ward on our bus because he wanted to know why I didn't stay dead. Should have drawn another chart for this part.

Phil Coulson: Skye, Trip, get ready for a large file transfer.
Skye: How large?
[a filing cabinet comes crashing out the window]

Phil Coulson: Oh, my God. Is that a handheld hypno-beam?
Antoine Triplett: One of the original betas. See how it has the switch on the bottom?
Phil Coulson: The production models moved it to the side. This is amazing. Almost as cool as...
Phil Coulson, Antoine Triplett: Transistorized blast gun.
[both laugh]
Skye: Ah, ha, ha. Okay. The two of you can get a room later, but we have a plane to catch.

Phil Coulson: Trip was generous enough to offer up some of his granddad's spy tech to help us out, so we should systematically take a full inventory of ev... Oh, my god. Is that a handheld hypno-beam?

Ott: We've seen one of these bullets before. What did they use it with?
Diaz: The sleepy-sleep gun, I think.
Ott: That's right. Our team took this rudimentary concept and converted it into an aerosol grenade. Much more useful.
Leo Fitz: [Through Coulson's comm] But this is an icer!
Phil Coulson: Yes, but this is an icer. Triple the stopping power and a much cooler... name.

Melinda May: [Dressed as scientists] Does your sweater itch?
Phil Coulson: A little bit.

Phil Coulson: We're on with the R&D department up at Cybertek's Palo Alto offices.
[Fitz leans back in his chair, obviously concerned]
Skye: It'll be okay, Fitz. No matter how deep they dig, they'll only find the new identities I've created.
Leo Fitz: It's not that. It's the idea of giving them access to all of our designs.
Phil Coulson: We're not actually giving them anything. We just need to get inside so we can plug Skye's flash drive into one of their computers. You don't have to go.
Leo Fitz: It's not that either. It's Ward. What if Garrett put an exploding eye into him, to control him? Maybe that's why he betrayed us.
Skye: I'm pretty sure there's a much simpler reason. He's evil.
Leo Fitz: Well, I don't believe that people are born evil. Something must have happened.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Repairs (#1.9)" (2013)
Skye: Just let me go in and talk to her, sir, as a friend.
Phil Coulson: I can't let you do that. It's too dangerous.
Skye: She's not dangerous. She's nice like, overly nice. She never misses a birthday post to her friends, runs the youth program at her church, rescues dogs. Hannah's a safety inspector not just because she's detail-oriented, but because she...
Phil Coulson: She genuinely cares.
Skye: Right. And someone with that much empathy being responsible for that much loss of life, she's devastated, spouting nonsense about god punishing her for...
Melinda May: People believe what they need to believe to justify their actions.
Skye: Is that how you justify your shoot-first policy? At least let me try to repair *that* damage.

Phil Coulson: I'll lose the tie. If she is telekinetic, I don't want to have a noose around my neck.

Skye: A telekinetic? I thought they didn't exist.
Phil Coulson: We never verified one. That's why we're going to Batesville to conduct an index asset evaluation and intake.
Skye: Does that mean we talk to her and see if she has powers?
Phil Coulson: Basically.
Skye: Well that needs a better name. Less IRS, more... better. Something like "the welcome wagon".

Phil Coulson: This is a delicate situation. We don't know what kind of danger this woman poses, so I'll make initial contact with Agents Ward and May.
Skye: It's a delicate situation, so you're bringing along warm *and* fuzzy?

Phil Coulson: [after May tranqs Hannah] So much for the welcome wagon.

Phil Coulson: Ward, take a firearm. Escort Fitz-Simmons downstairs, assess the damage, get us up and running.
Jemma Simmons: Wait. Guys, um where's Fitz?
Leo Fitz: [Cut to Fitz, locked in a closet] Hello? Can anybody hear me? What the hell's happening? Did we crash? Who was screaming? This is not funny, Jemma, if this is a prank. This is a prank.

Skye: I should be with Hannah, anyway. No wonder she keeps screaming in there. You keep sending in the Cavalry, you're bound to get a reaction like that.
Phil Coulson: Don't don't call her that.
Skye: Why not? No normal person can shoot 100 Bahrain...
Phil Coulson: That's not how it went down.
Skye: Whatever, 20. I just I don't understand...
Phil Coulson: She didn't have a gun. None of us did.
[Skye perks up]
Phil Coulson: And it wasn't a rescue or an assault, whatever they say at the academy these days. We were the welcome wagon. And it went South.
Skye: How many...?
Phil Coulson: Plenty. A civilian girl and a few of our guys were stuck inside a building, being held by the followers of this gifted individual or worshippers. We never found out.
Skye: May did.
Phil Coulson: She took it upon herself to get them out. Said she could fix the problem. So she went in, crossed off the enemy force. Didn't say how.
Skye: Did she lose anyone in there?
Phil Coulson: Herself.

Grant Ward: We're here, sir. Where'd you go?
Phil Coulson: We were attacked, locked in, then the guy disappeared.
Leo Fitz: Hey, that's our story.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Dirty Half Dozen (#2.19)" (2015)
Grant Ward: Can we just address the elephant on the plane? I know. This is weird. Mistakes were made.
Leo Fitz: By you.
Grant Ward: And people got hurt.
Leo Fitz: By you.
Grant Ward: And I could stand here and explain again how my parents - and brother left me vulnerable...
Melinda May: [Scoffs] We all had our traumas, Ward. Didn't turn any of us into psychopaths.
Grant Ward: Well, we all have our own ways of coping, don't we? For example, I was yours.
Phil Coulson: Watch it, Ward!
Grant Ward: Look, I'm just saying we all made mistakes. Coulson handed me over to my abuser thank you. Skye shot me
Jemma Simmons: After you killed how many people?
Leo Fitz: Yeah, and we were a team and a family, and you betrayed us!
Grant Ward: I know. It's what I regret the most. Not the lying, the SHIELD agents I had to put down, and I'm sorry not even dropping you two in the ocean. It's this. My actions destroyed this. I'll regret that forever. 'Cause there were good times. Right? Before? I mean, for a while there, we were a good team. Weren't we?
Skye: [There's a dramatic pause] I'm still happy I shot you.
Leo Fitz: Yeah, me too.
Jemma Simmons: Should've aimed for the face.

Phil Coulson: Since when did you become a high ranking member of team Gonzales?
Melinda May: Someone had to run the base while you were gone. Having a seat allowed me to keep you safe.
Phil Coulson: I was fine on my own.
Melinda May: Seems that's how you operate best.
Phil Coulson: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Melinda May: That you've been lying to me. Every since S.H.I.E.L.D. fell, all those overseas trips you were taking. They were never about recruiting new agents were they? You want to tell me what Theta Protocol is?
Phil Coulson: No.
Melinda May: Because you don't trust me.
Phil Coulson: Because you're not the director of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Melinda May: Neither are you.

Maria Hill: I bet Gonzales wasn't happy when you said he wasn't invited to this chat.
Phil Coulson: Yeah, well, I wasn't too happy when he blew a hole in my base and kicked me out. We all live with disappointment, and right now, we have bigger problems.
Maria Hill: Does that mean you found it?
Phil Coulson: I'm guessing HYDRA doesn't know Loki's scepter was the weapon that killed me, but I bet they know it can control minds.
Maria Hill: In their hands, that's catastrophic. Coulson, please tell me you know where it is.
Phil Coulson: Segovia. I'm pretty sure List is headed there right now. I've just sent you everything I found on Strucker's location.
Maria Hill: Coulson, why didn't you just tell Gonzales why you really wanted to get onto the HYDRA base?
Phil Coulson: Believe it or not, he puts every decision to a vote.
[Hill Scoffs]
Phil Coulson: I know. And I was pretty sure if I'd been honest, I'd have lost the swing vote, so I did what I had to do.
Maria Hill: Last thing. Theta Protocol; is it ready?
Phil Coulson: Yes, it is. Time to bring in the Avengers.

Phil Coulson: Robert. It's good to see you.
Robert Gonzales: Is it?
Phil Coulson: Okay. It's good to see my bus. But, hey. You look well, too.

Melinda May: We all had our traumas, Ward. Didn't turn any of us into psychopaths.
Grant Ward: Well, we all have our own ways of coping. Don't we? For example. I was yours.
Phil Coulson: [Very hard, sharp tone] Watch it, Ward.

Phil Coulson: [Hydra has just blown up their ship while the team is on the Quinnjet, hoping to hide among the ship's debris. The Quinnjet is being rocked and shimmied around the sky with burning chunks of the ship falling all around it] I'm starting to think this wasn't a very good plan. Is there anything you can do about the drop?
Melinda May: Not if you want Hydra to believe we're debris.
Phil Coulson: I'm really startin' to wish I hadn't eaten that Hot Pocket earlier.

Robert Gonzales: Time to honor our agreement.
Phil Coulson: [Tosses the toolbox to him] Here you go. Unlocked and all yours. Go nuts. At least until Fury shows up and asks for it back.
[Covers his mouth in mock shock]
Phil Coulson: Oh. Spoiler alert.

Robert Gonzales: [Holds out the Tool Box] Time to honor our agreement.
Phil Coulson: [Takes the Tool Box, opens it, hands it back] Here you go. Unlocked and all yours. Go nuts. At least until Fury shows up and asks for it back.
[At Gonzales' look]
Phil Coulson: Oh. Spoiler alert.
[His cell rings]
Phil Coulson: Oh. Hey.
[He shows Gonzales that it's a call from Maria Hill]
Phil Coulson: I have to take this.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Eye Spy (#1.4)" (2013)
Akela Amador: Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me? Where's the "I told you so"?
Phil Coulson: That's not me anymore.

Phil Coulson: It's amazing. Every year, this part of our job gets easier. Between Facebook, Instagram, and Flickr, people are surveilling themselves.

Melinda May: Bus to short bus.
Grant Ward: Go for short bus.
Phil Coulson: Next time I'll decide what we call ourselves, OK.

Skye: What's up Phil.
Phil Coulson: I prefer you not call me Phil.
Skye: Ok, you're the boss AC.

Phil Coulson: Have you seen Skye?
Grant Ward: Not since weapons training.
Phil Coulson: She stop saying "bang" when she pulls the trigger?
Grant Ward: Mostly. Now if she can just learn the difference between the safety release and the magazine release, we will be making real progress.

Phil Coulson: Maybe I should learn to fly. It's not too late right? I could learn. What do you like best, freedom, the view?
Melinda May: The solitude.
Phil Coulson: Got it. See you in Sweden.
[Leaves the cockpit, May smiles]

Skye: So you asked how she could have cracked the system. I have a pitch, but it's way outside the box.
Phil Coulson: I live outside the box.
Skye: There are people in the world with superpowers, right? What if this woman has ESP or something?
Melinda May: There are no credible studies that support precognition, telepathy, or extrasensory perception.
Skye: But this woman knew impossible things. And why did she close her eyes? That's either random or totally important. Was she listening or...
[Taps her head]
Skye: ... Was she reading minds?

Phil Coulson: I want your help with something.
Skye: Hit me with it.
Phil Coulson: You ever rob a bank?
Skye: [Slightly surprised] No.
Phil Coulson: An armored car?
Skye: Nope.
Phil Coulson: How about a casino?
Skye: Should I be offended?

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Providence (#1.18)" (2014)
Phil Coulson: Find everything you can on our team - all personal records, photos, anything that proves we exist - then erase it.
Skye: Uh, that's kind of the nuclear option.
Phil Coulson: It's *our* only option. Every government agency in the world will be on our ass. We need to vanish.
Skye: Okay. But... once that's done, it can't be undone. We'll be ghosts. Not agents of S.H.I.E.l.D., just agents of... nothing.

Phil Coulson: What's with the windows?
Eric Koenig: Supposed to make the isolation more bearable. Every day of the week, different view. Wednesday's pretty terrific if you like topless beaches.

Phil Coulson: Skye, please, tell me something good.
Skye: We have Internet.
Phil Coulson: Yay. And, boy, have I lowered my expectations.

Phil Coulson: There's got to be something here! This means something! This has to mean something. The world needs us! HYDRA is out there. We cannot let them win! We cannot let them define us! Do you understand that? We are not agents of nothing, we are agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and that still carries weight! It has to carry weight. After everything we've been through, that carries weight!

Melinda May: You okay?
Phil Coulson: Tell you what - let's skip the part where you act concerned about my well-being. What is it you want?

Phil Coulson: This means something. This has to mean something. The world need needs us. Hydra is out there. We cannot let them win, we cannot let them define us. Do you understand that. We are not Agents of Nothing, we are Agents of Shield, and that still carries weight!

Phil Coulson: [to May] I'm not going to hand over my weapon. You wanna try to take it from me?... Good. Now get out of my office.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Shadows (#2.1)" (2014)
Phil Coulson: [imitating Brigadier General Talbot] It's Private Tilden, isn't it?
Private Tilden: Yes, sir.
Phil Coulson: Well, I don't care I about this register or that. I want General Jones and his friends sent directly to the ordnance depot to meet me.
Billy Koenig: Go bigger. Go bigger.
Phil Coulson: ...Or I'll have you so deep in horse manure, son, you'll need a damn snorkel.

Phil Coulson: [imitating Brigadier General Talbot] Talbot out!

Isabelle 'Izzy' Hartley: Sir, Mark's down. Third party, possibly Hydra, and we're out in the open. What are our orders?
Phil Coulson: Go dark.

Melinda May: You're the man in charge, but I'm in charge of you, remember? I had two rules.
Phil Coulson: Avoid field operations...
Melinda May: ...And check in with me every few days. It's been two weeks.
Phil Coulson: And I'm flying back out tonight. I have to focus on recruitment. It's starting to wear me down.
Melinda May: The hours?
Phil Coulson: The numbers. Between the traitors, military detainees, and the sell-outs in the private sector, the people who could possibly be considered loyal to S.H.I.E.L.D. is not impressive. And they're scattered all over the damn globe.
Melinda May: Well, you have no choice but to meet them face-to-face, get a read on them.
Phil Coulson: I know, and I prefer it. But flying economy blows.

Phil Coulson: What's your assessment of Hartley's people?
Melinda May: You know what I think. They're mercenaries, here for the money.
Phil Coulson: But what's your assessment?
Melinda May: They're *good* mercenaries.

Phil Coulson: I want to make your job easier. Chasing us is a waste of resources, general. We're the good guys, and we can help you catch the bad guys.
Brigadier General Glenn Talbot: Kidnapping me and tying me up in your honeycomb kill room is not helping your case. Do you think I'm an idiot?
Phil Coulson: Oh, no. You're the real deal. But you're surrounded by people who constantly underestimate the threat they're up against. Me and my people swore an oath we don't intend to break: to protect the innocent, to watch out for people... people like your son.
Brigadier General Glenn Talbot: How dare you bring my family into this.
Phil Coulson: We save lives, including yours, whether you like it or not.

Phil Coulson: I know it was a risk. If we went down today, we'd probably be down for good. But now we have a chance to survive. We have soldiers willing to sacrifice, but they need weapons. The enemy has the advantage. We need one of our own.
Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: You risked that for a quinjet?
Phil Coulson: No. For what we can do with one. Disappear. Become ghosts. That's how we have to live now... in the shadows, to save people, even when they don't know it, don't want it.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: A Hen in the Wolf House (#2.5)" (2014)
Phil Coulson: I don't like being threatened.
Raina: This isn't a threat. It's a gesture of goodwill. I would like nothing more than to delete that photo.
Phil Coulson: And in return, what do you want?
Raina: From you? Nothing. But I will need to take Skye with me.
Phil Coulson: Excuse me? What in the hell is this really about? And why, also in the hell, do you think I would ever let that happen?
Raina: To prevent every HYDRA employee from receiving an automated e-mail with that photo.
[Hits a button on her phone]
Raina: You have two minutes, after which, there's nothing I can do.

Skye: Hold on, are you saying that I'm an alien?
Phil Coulson: It's a theory.
Skye: No, a theory is what scientists use to prove things in nature, this is you telling me that I might be an alien! That's *not* something you just say like it's no big deal!
Phil Coulson: I was trying not to rattle you.
Skye: Guess what? Epic fail.

Skye: What about the writings you've been giving me? Why don't you tell me your source, and I'll follow up?
Phil Coulson: I'm afraid that's classified.
Lance Hunter: Well, you're the boss man. Maybe you could de-classify it.
Phil Coulson: I could. I won't

Phil Coulson: First night I saw Garrett's writings... it just triggered something in me.
Skye: What do you think caused it?
Phil Coulson: The GH-formula, most likely. Garrett and I were both injected - not a coincidence.
Skye: Yeah, but so was I, and I haven't written anything like that.
Phil Coulson: Which is either very good, or... a whole different kind of scary, which is why we had to monitor you.
Skye: Whoa. Wait. *Monitor*? That is a very specific word.
Phil Coulson: We didn't tell you about this because we wanted to passively observe see if the writing would trigger something in you.
Skye: So, what you guys put, like, tiny hidden cameras in my bunk?
Phil Coulson: Not in your bunk - But I think you're focusing on the wrong details here.
Skye: I didn't react the same way.
Phil Coulson: Right. I believe Garrett and I had a negative reaction to the alien DNA in our system. Maybe you didn't... because it was already there.

Lance Hunter: [Watching Coulson and Raina] The tiny girl in the flower dress? That's who everyone's making such a fuss about?
Raina: It's good to see you, Agent Coulson.
Phil Coulson: Raina.
Raina: I was worried you weren't going to accept my invitation, but perhaps I wasn't the only one looking forward to our next meeting.
Lance Hunter: Is she *hitting* on him?
Melinda May: Yep. That's what she does.

Phil Coulson: Tell me where to find the Obelisk.
Raina: I'm afraid it's out of my hands.
Phil Coulson: That really doesn't work for me. I've seen what that thing can do. It's too dangerous to be out in the real world.
Raina: You've only seen the beginning. Just because something's powerful doesn't make it dangerous.
Phil Coulson: In this case, it's more the death and destruction.
Raina: You must believe me, Agent Coulson we want the same thing.
Phil Coulson: Unless it's an end to this conversation, I'm pretty sure we don't.

Phil Coulson: [after searching for Skye's father] You're having one hell of a day, huh?
[Skye starts crying]
Phil Coulson: [Gives her a hug] It's okay. It's okay.
Lance Hunter: So, is this a group-hug-type situation?
Phil Coulson: You find anything?
Lance Hunter: The place has been cleared out Must have left in a hurry. Agent May's checking the back room.
Skye: [Sniffs] Have you been drinking?
Lance Hunter: I was working. Had to maintain my cover.
Skye: Your cover as what, Ron Burgundy?

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Hub (#1.7)" (2013)
Phil Coulson: [catching Skye accessing classified information] What did I tell you?
Skye: You told me to trust the system. And the system just sent Ward and Fitz in there to die.

Jemma Simmons: [Exacting a data container from Agent Shaw] Whatever you do, don't breathe. That was a joke. You should, of course, feel comfortable breathing if you need to, just not through your nose. And very minimally through your mouth.
[Pulls the container out through his nose]
Phil Coulson: That's all the intel you recovered?
Agent Shaw: I certainly hope so.
Phil Coulson: Well, uh, thank you, Agent Shaw, for keeping it safe... up there.

Phil Coulson: [In a sketchy interrogation room] I don't mean to alarm you, but I think you may have a mold problem. That sink with the standing water seems especially concerning.

Victoria Hand: I need a two-man team to sneak across the disputed border undetected, break into the separatist stronghold, and disable the weapon in the next 24 hours. And you have two people who fit my bill.
Melinda May: Not a problem.
Grant Ward: I was in Georgia during the incursion in '08. I still have contacts on the South Ossetian border.
Victoria Hand: And you'll have to use them. But we don't have specs on the device, so I need someone on the team who can identify and dismantle it on-site.
Grant Ward: Do you mean...?
Phil Coulson: I think she does.
Leo Fitz: [Cut to Fitz pushing a cart full of gadgets] I found a localized E.M.P., plus a few other party favors.
[the door shuts on the cart]
Leo Fitz: Oh, come on. What the - Open! It's stuck! The cart's stuck. That's unbelievable.
[Tries to pry the door open]
Leo Fitz: What the hell? Who designed this? In the Hub, of all places.
[tries to push the cart through the door and it shuts in his face]
Grant Ward: ...Seriously?

Victoria Hand: It must be nice to be off that plane. I understand you're almost through your recovery.
Phil Coulson: The plane has nothing to do with my recovery.
Victoria Hand: I only know what I've read. Seems Fury has a soft spot for his favorites. Not everyone gets sent to Tahiti.

Grant Ward: Thanks for coming to get us, sir.
Phil Coulson: We take care of our own.

SHIELD Clerk: Company.
Phil Coulson: Yes, I need access to a restricted file. Bravo Charlie Yankee 307604.
SHIELD Clerk: Authorization code?
Phil Coulson: X-ray 2896.
SHIELD Clerk: You're looking for a death and recovery report, sir?
Phil Coulson: Yes. For a SHIELD agent, mostly interested in his recovery. It took place in Tahiti.
SHIELD Clerk: I'm sorry, but you don't have access to that document, sir.
Phil Coulson: There must be some mistake. I'm level 8, I have clearance for that file.
SHIELD Clerk: The system indicates that you don't. Would you like to submit a formal request to Director Fury, sir?
Phil Coulson: No. Thank you.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Purpose in the Machine (#3.2)" (2015)
Skye: So, you think the rock is a portal?
Leo Fitz: No. No, I'm *proving"* that it's a portal. Okay? To another planet. A, a very old planet. A crack in space/time that carried Simmons away, and carried the sand back. Which means...
Phil Coulson: She's out there. But, it's been months.
Leo Fitz: Yeah?
Phil Coulson: She could be long gone from wherever this thing dropped her.
Leo Fitz: Yeah.
Phil Coulson: She could be dead.
Leo Fitz: Yes.
Phil Coulson: But, we're gonna find out. Aren't we?
Bobbi Morse: Yep.
Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: Damn right.
Skye: Yeah.

Phil Coulson: Okay, Fitz. What do you need?
Leo Fitz: Uh. Uh, well... More historical data. People have studied this thing for centuries. Um... An expert on quantum mechanics and Einstein-Rosen Bridge Theory. And, uh... a sandwich would be nice.
Phil Coulson: I might have an idea... about the other things.

Professor Elliot Randolph: To the plane!
[Excited, he starts walking away until he realizes they are still standing there just staring at him]
Professor Elliot Randolph: Am I allowed to say that?
Phil Coulson: Let's all... go to the plane, I guess.

Phil Coulson: [Pointing out another warning on the wall] Here's another one. This is why I got rid of all the S.H.I.E.L.D. logos on our vehicles. It's like... screaming for attention.
Bobbi Morse: You know... there's a ginormous eagle symbol on top of our jet.
Phil Coulson: Yeah. Sometimes I can't help myself with the cool.

Phil Coulson: If we were realistic, we never would have gotten this far.

Bobbi Morse: Who is Professor Randolph?
Phil Coulson: This monolith has been studied for centuries. Well, Randolph's actually been on the planet for those centuries. And he's traveled through space in a portal. And he's also an alien, So, he's got a lot going for him.

Phil Coulson: Skye, hey? Skye are you okay? Skye?
Skye: It's Daisy.
Phil Coulson: What?
Bobbi Morse: It's Daisy now sir. You're really having a hard time with this huh?
Phil Coulson: Damn it, yeah.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Who You Really Are (#2.12)" (2015)
Phil Coulson: I don't blame you, but I have been thinking about it, and I realized I've been wasting your talents.
Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: Sir?
Phil Coulson: Look, I know you love it under the hood of a car, but... we could really use you out in the field. You're a force to be reckoned with, Mack. Believe me.
Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: Okay, but violence isn't really my thing. You know, that alien crap made me into something I'm not.
Phil Coulson: I know. But have you seen yourself? You're a little bit of a beast all the time.

Lady Sif: My mind is that of a lost adolescent. I can provide no information of value.
Phil Coulson: Not totally true. Judging by your clothes, we know you were undercover, probably something you learned after your last visit here. Your usual full-armor look is a little more... conspicuous.
Lady Sif: So you are saying I wear that armor most of the time? Does this mean I'm a warrior?
Melinda May: A good one.
Lady Sif: A great warrior.
Phil Coulson: It's just details that you're missing. You must remember things about your home world, right?
Lady Sif: Only basic lessons a child would learn.
Phil Coulson: The name of your sword?
Melinda May: What about Thor?
Lady Sif: Um... I do not know this word, but when you say it, I want to smile. Why?
Phil Coulson: Who can explain the mysteries of the Asgardian brain?
Melinda May: I *can*.

Vin-Tak: Sorry. The argument was going nowhere.
Phil Coulson: You back with us?
Lady Sif: Yes. My memories have returned. I am Lady Sif of Asgard, friend of the S.H.I.E.L.D.
[punches Vin-Tak]
Vin-Tak: Asgardian - well, that explains a lot.
Lady Sif: It is true. We don't trust Kree. That is why I am here. When Heimdall saw that one landed on your world, Odin charged me of retrieving him.
Vin-Tak: So you came to pick a fight.
Lady Sif: We know enough about Kree history to be concerned.
Vin-Tak: Well, then, if you know Kree history, perhaps you've heard the tale of Terrigenesis.
Lady Sif: Of course. Ancient Kree descending on planets, altering the inhabitants to fight their war.
Vin-Tak: And Earth was one of them.

Mr. Cardozo: You are a dangerous monster!
Lady Sif: [Insulted] I am no monster. I am sometimes dangerous, but only toward those who are deserving.
[Softly, to Coulson]
Lady Sif: I do not actually know. Is it... only toward those who are...
Phil Coulson: No. That was... right.
Lady Sif: Thanks.
[to Cardozo]
Lady Sif: Answer his question, elderly man!

Lady Sif: Kava means keys.
Phil Coulson: Keys?
Lady Sif: A device used to unlock...
Phil Coulson: Yeah. I know keys.

Lady Sif: Coulson, your people make decisions based on logic.
Phil Coulson: Usually.
Lady Sif: Usually. As do mine.
Phil Coulson: Leaving Skye with us is the logical choice, I promise.
Lady Sif: No. No. That is not what I mean. Asgard is millennia beyond you in our pursuit of science and knowledge. And we have learned there are some things that can never be understood.
Phil Coulson: Is this little talk one of 'em?

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Laws of Nature (#3.1)" (2015)
Phil Coulson: This new aircraft can stay in the air much longer than the old plane. Days, really. So, rapid response anywhere is...
Daisy 'Skye' Johnson: You *love* your new toy, don't you?
Phil Coulson: I very much love my new toy.

Phil Coulson: Mack, you should head downstairs, assist Skye with intake.
Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: Daisy.
Phil Coulson: Dammit. Hard for us to get used to, huh?
Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: [He and Hunter shake their heads] No. Just you.

Rosalind Price: The laws of nature have changed. And until the laws of man change to reflect that, we can only do what we feel is right.
Phil Coulson: I agree... I think.

Phil Coulson: Wait. Is this still cagey banter, or are we being honest all of a sudden?

Phil Coulson: [Fitz has just opened the casing and removed the scroll] Should we scan it? See if the computer can decipher what the...
Leo Fitz: It's Hebrew. It's just one word.
Phil Coulson: What does it mean?
Leo Fitz: Death.

Phil Coulson: May took off on vacation, and never came back, so I lost my right hand, too.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: A Fractured House (#2.6)" (2014)
Jemma Simmons: Ah. The bodies just disintegrate. I saw references to this weapon in HYDRA's lab. Yeah, sent from their demolitions expert, uh, Toshiro...
Bobbi Morse: Toshiro Mori. I've crossed paths with him before. He has a lab in Okinawa.
Phil Coulson: Good. Then that's where you're going. We need to find the location of the next attack and stop it before it happens.

Skye: Guess being a douche-bag runs in the family.
Phil Coulson: Are you surprised?
Skye: Ward's brother never cared about S.H.I.E.L.D. before.
Phil Coulson: Not openly.
Skye: Yeah, but Hunter said that Talbot was working with a senator who had deep pockets. You think it's him?
Phil Coulson: I do.

Senator Christian Ward: What do you want?
Phil Coulson: An opportunity to clear the air. The attack on the U.N. wasn't S.H.I.E.L.D., it was Hydra - specifically a man named Daniel Whitehall.
Senator Christian Ward: You're not hear to clear the air. You need something from me. And all this swaggering simply tells me you have nothing to offer in return. What do you want me to do? Go on record defending S.H.I.E.L.D., condemning HYDRA? The American people are looking for a simple enemy, Mr. Coulson. It's what makes them feel safe.
Phil Coulson: And how do you think they'd feel if they knew your brother was HYDRA? That an awfully complicated ideal to grasp, especially in an election year.
Senator Christian Ward: Are you threatening me, Mr. Coulson?
Phil Coulson: No. I'm telling you I have your brother in my basement.

Senator Christian Ward: Is he all right? Is Grant hurt? Did you have to do anything...?
Phil Coulson: No. We believe there are other ways to get information from people. I'm surprised your concerned, honestly.
Senator Christian Ward: You don't have a brother, do you?
Phil Coulson: No. Always wanted one, though. As an only child, you tend to idealize that relationship. Family has to take care of each other, right? Then again, I've heard stories say otherwise.
Senator Christian Ward: What did Grant tell you?
Phil Coulson: Plenty. I know what you did. How you forced him to torture your youngest brother. I know what happened at the well.
Senator Christian Ward: So, it's a well now? You may think you know Grant Ward, Mr. Coulson, but trust me - underneath every lie he tells is just another lie.

Senator Christian Ward: When were kids, our parents were always gone - some state function or another. We'd spend all day at the creek hunting salamanders and crayfish. But I could never leave Grant alone with Thomas. I found Grant down there once, standing over him with a screwdriver. Thomas was on the ground, just screaming. And I saw something... something else behind his eyes. Something I'm sure you've seen before, as well. A second later, it was gone. And he was just my little brother again. He told our parents I forced him to do it. I've spent too much of my life trying to unravel his lies.
Phil Coulson: So have I.
Senator Christian Ward: And yet, he keeps telling them. He always finds someone to believe him.

Grant Ward: Everything I told Skye was true. You know that. I haven't given you one bad piece of Intel. Is that worth nothing?
Phil Coulson: You will never see Skye, again.
Grant Ward: I thought we were rebuilding trust, Coulson. I can help you. I'm still part of your team.
Phil Coulson: My team? You th... You are not part nor will you never be on my team. You dropped Fitz-Simmons out of a plane. You murdered Victoria Hand and Eric Koenig. You betrayed every one of us, you deluded son of a bitch. The only reason you are alive is because of you were of use. And the only reason you're being transferred is because of your brother is of more use.
Grant Ward: Was this his idea or yours to put me on trial? Hmm? It's a good story - a man brave enough to have his own brother executed for his crimes. Oh, Christian will milk that for all its worth. And the trial should wrap up before the midterms.
Phil Coulson: Your brother saw the same angles. Maybe you two are more alike than you think.

Thor (2011)
Agent Coulson: [interrogating Thor] It's not easy to do what you did. You made my men - some of the most highly trained professionals in the world - look like a bunch of minimum-wage mall cops. In my experience, it takes someone who's received similar training to do what you did to them. Why don't you tell me where you received that training? Afghanistan, Chechnya? No, you strike me more as the soldier of fortune type. Who are you?

Agent Cale: [staring at The Destroyer] Is that one of Stark's?
Agent Coulson: I don't know. Guy never tells me anything.

Agent Coulson: Donald? I don't think you've been completely honest with me.
Thor: Know this, son of Coul. You and I, we fight for the same cause: the protection of this world. From this day forward, you can count me in as your ally, if... you return the items you have taken from Jane.
Jane Foster: Stolen.
Agent Coulson: Borrowed. Of course you can have your equipment back. You're going to need to need it to continue your research.
Thor: Would you like to see the bridge we spoke of?
Jane Foster: Uh... sure.
[grabs Jane, flies off]
Agent Coulson: Wait, we need to debrief you!

Agent Coulson: Dr. Selvig, keep him away from the bars!
Thor: Where are we going?
Erik Selvig: To get a drink!

[while interrogating Thor, Coulson steps out for a moment... ]
Thor: Loki. What are you doing here?
Loki: [as a SHIELD agent] I had to see you.
Thor: What's happened? Tell me, is it Jotunheim? Let me explain to Father...
Loki: Father is dead.
Thor: What?
Loki: Your banishment, the threat of a new war... it was too much for him to bear. You mustn't blame yourself. I know that you loved him. I tried to tell him so, but he wouldn't listen. It was so cruel to put the hammer within your reach knowing that you could never lift it. The burden of the throne has fallen to me now.
Thor: Can I come home?
Loki: The truce with Jotunheim is conditional upon your exile.
Thor: Yes, but... couldn't we find a way...?
Loki: And Mother has forbidden your return. This is goodbye, brother. I'm so sorry.
Thor: No. I am sorry. Thank you for coming here.
Loki: Farewell.
Thor: Goodbye.
[Loki leaves, just as Coulson returns]
Agent Coulson: [having heard Thor] "Goodbye?" I just got back.

[SHIELD confiscates Foster's stuff]
Agent Coulson: Sorry, maam, we're the good guys!

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Afterlife (#2.16)" (2015)
Honest Eddie: [Coulson is looking at cars] Can I let you in on a little secret? I've got a genuine, honest Abe, God-given superpower. You want to know what it is?
Phil Coulson: I'm afraid to guess.
Honest Eddie: I can look at any man and tell him exactly what kind of car he should be driving.
Phil Coulson: Maybe I'll just look around.
Honest Eddie: Y-you know, I look at you, and I see a man who's played it safe his whole life, but lately feels like he's stuck in a rut. Life's lost its thrill. The kids are monsters. The wife's taken to muumuus. And now you're thinking, "it's time to let the tiger loose."
Phil Coulson: [after stealing a jeep] Sorry, Eddie. Tiger's been loose for awhile.

Phil Coulson: I'm not going down without a fight. We're gonna find Skye and we're gonna take back S.H.I.E.L.D., and we're gonna need more than Honest Eddie's Jeep to do it.
Lance Hunter: You want to take their Quinjet - the two of us, while we're trapped in here, surrounded. Brilliant.
Phil Coulson: I have reinforcements on the way. We just have to hold down the fort until they get here.
Lance Hunter: Yeah, well, I have reinforcements of my own.
Phil Coulson: Icers only.
Lance Hunter: Oh, you can't be serious.
Phil Coulson: Those are S.H.I.E.L.D. agents out there. We're not gonna hurt them.
Lance Hunter: I somehow doubt they feel the same about us.
Phil Coulson: It won't come to that. It may not look like it, but this place was built to withstand a Hulk-size force. On the other hand, let's just hope they didn't bring a...
[a battering ram hits the safe house]
Lance Hunter: ...battering ram, 'cause then we've only got about an hour.

Phil Coulson: [Referring to Gonzalez] Maybe he's got a point. I was dead, after all. I shouldn't even be here.
Lance Hunter: We all have our bad days.

Lance Hunter: Maybe we should forget all this, head down to Mexico. We can lay low, enjoy the quiet life.
Phil Coulson: That's not an option. The problem is... there are no good options.
Lance Hunter: Well, maybe it's time for the bad ones.

Lance Hunter: This would have been a piece of cake if you'd let us use these big boy guns. Now we have to get close enough to get shot by *their* big boy guns.
Phil Coulson: By the time they recognize us it'll be too late.
Lance Hunter: Then there's the small matter of who's gonna fly that thing. Do you even know how?
Phil Coulson: I've watched May fly. I know a little.
Lance Hunter: How little?
Phil Coulson: I can get us off the ground.
Lance Hunter: You do know there's more to it than that like getting us back *on* the ground... for example...

Lance Hunter: [He and Coulson are watching Mike Peterson aka Deathlok at the jet's controls] At some point, you might have mentioned that backup was a lethal cyborg.
Phil Coulson: Truthfully, I just wanted to see the look on your face when he showed up. Priceless.
Lance Hunter: Glad I amuse you.
Deathlok: You know I can hear you up here.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Seeds (#1.12)" (2014)
Phil Coulson: That's the thing about Skye. What I told her shattered her world. Her lifelong search led to stories of murder, and now it's too difficult to continue. Her search is over. Her story ends here. But you know what she said?
Melinda May: Tell me.
Phil Coulson: She said no-her story started here. Her whole life, she thought she wasn't wanted, that she didn't belong, that every family that took her in didn't want her to stay, didn't care. But all that time, it was S.H.I.E.L.D. protecting her, looking after her. That's what she took away from the story-not the family she'll never have, but the one she's always had. Here I am, telling her something that could destroy her faith in humanity, and somehow she manages to repair a little piece of mine. The world is full of evil and lies and pain and death, and you can't hide from it-you can only face it. The question is, when you do, how do you respond? Who do you become?

Phil Coulson: Alright what's up?
Melinda May: You tell me?
Phil Coulson: You're talking, more than ever.
Melinda May: 'Cause you're not.

Phil Coulson: But I'm tired of secrets, so I'm glad we're here. We need to root out all the secrets.
Melinda May: Agent Ward and I have been having sex.

Agent Lumley: We were headed into the Hunan province of China.A senior agent had called in an 0-8-4. An object of unknown origin.
Phil Coulson: We've dealt with those before.
Agent Lumley: He said the entire village had died trying to protect this one. Avery and I were just fresh out of the Academy. And there was five of us just running the back end, until we lost communication with the first team. We went searching. We found the senior agent under a bridge. He he managed to escape with a gunshot wound to the neck, but he bled out. He was still holding on to the 0-8-4.
Agent Lumley: Poor thing was covered in blood. We thought she was dead, too, but sh-she was just asleep in the dead agent's arms.
Phil Coulson: [Stunned] The baby? The girl was the 0-8-4?

Phil Coulson: Can you reach the North campus parking garage? We think Donnie Gill and his device may be trapped in the center of the storm.
Grant Ward: That's not far from where I am. I can get there.
[Opens the door to an insane storm and shuts it again]
Grant Ward: Yeah, I can't get there.

Phil Coulson: [On the phone] Agent Phil Coulson with SHIELD. We've never actually met, but I'm familiar with your work - all of it.
Ian Quinn: So, this is a "getting to know you" call?
Phil Coulson: No, just a message that the first time your aircraft drifts over any country allied with SHIELD, we will shoot you out of the sky.
Ian Quinn: So this is a courtesy call. Well, thank you, Agent Coulson.And I have a message for you. The Clairvoyant told me to say hello.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Nothing Personal (#1.20)" (2014)
Phil Coulson: If I come out, will you shoot me? 'Cause then I won't come out.
Colonel Glenn Talbot: Hold your fire, soldiers.
Phil Coulson: This is one of the most classified facilities on the planet, colonel. How the hell did you find it?
Maria Hill: I told them.

Maria Hill: Wow. I can't believe he shot Lola.
Phil Coulson: I can't talk about it.

Skye: Thought you didn't eat junk food.
Antoine Triplett: I'm on vacation.
Skye: Until...?
Antoine Triplett: Until that man tells me it's time to work.
Phil Coulson: Not tonight. Live a little.
Antoine Triplett: That case, I'm gonna go crazy. Maybe have another bag.

Phil Coulson: Our plane is in Los Angeles. Finally, some good news.
[alarms start blaring]
Computer: Perimeter defenses activated.
Phil Coulson: I should have knocked on wood just then.

Phil Coulson: We need to move. We got to take the cockpit.
Skye: Wait. You came alone?
Phil Coulson: It's okay. I can take Ward.
Skye: No, I know, but how did you get past Deathlok?
Phil Coulson: Deathlok's here? On the plane?
Skye: Yeah, you didn't take him out?
Phil Coulson: [See him behind them] New plan: Run!

Iron Man (2008)
Agent Phil Coulson: I'm Agent Phil Coulson with the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: That's quite a mouthful.
Agent Phil Coulson: I know. We're working on it.

Agent Phil Coulson: This isn't my first rodeo, Mr. Stark.

Agent Phil Coulson: Mr. Stark.
Tony Stark: Yeah?
Agent Phil Coulson: Agent Coulson.
Tony Stark: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the guy from the...
Agent Phil Coulson: Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.
Tony Stark: Whew! God, you really need a new name for that.
Agent Phil Coulson: Yeah, I hear that a lot.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Agent Coulson, I just wanted to say thank you very much for all of your help.
Agent Phil Coulson: That's what we do. You'll be hearing from us.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: From the Strategic Homeland...
Agent Phil Coulson: [interrupting] Just call us SHIELD.

Agent Phil Coulson: [about Obadiah] Looks like you were right, he was building a suit.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: I thought it'd be bigger...
[the Iron Monger attacks]

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: T.A.H.I.T.I. (#1.14)" (2014)
Phil Coulson: Really? All the war and chaos in the world, and S.H.I.E.L.D. sends a plane after us.
Grant Ward: Three planes - small transport to dock and a pair of F-35s to make sure we hand over Quinn.
Phil Coulson: If they scratch my paint, I'm gonna be pissed.

John Garrett: [to Ian Quinn] Tell us about Cybertek and the Deathlok program?
Phil Coulson: Deathlok?
John Garrett: Catchy right? Sounds like some wrestler from the 80's. What is it really?
Ian Quinn: Those are dangerous waters, and the last agent that waded into them wound up with two in the stomach.
[Garrett smacks him]
Ian Quinn: So... She's still alive?
John Garrett: Yeah. And you better hope she stays that way.
Phil Coulson: Is that why you shot Skye? Because she saw what Cybertek delivered?
Ian Quinn: No. I shot Skye because that's what the Clairvoyant told me to do.

Leo Fitz: So what about Tahiti?
Phil Coulson: Turns out, not so magical.

Phil Coulson: Garrett? What the hell are you doing here?
John Garrett: Well, as opposed to the Leven 8 jackass I'm staring at, I still follow orders.
Phil Coulson: You're the worst at following orders.

Dr. Jazuat: [Regarding Skye] The shots perforated her stomach and penetrated the large and small intestines. We resected what we could, but - there's been too much damage.
Phil Coulson: So what's next?
Dr. Jazuat: We can keep her comfortable, but you'll need to make a decision on whether or not you want to keep her on life support.
Phil Coulson: You're saying there's nothing to be done?
Dr. Jazuat: I'm saying you need to call her family. Get them here as soon as possible.
Phil Coulson: *We're* her family.
Dr. Jazuat: In that case, I'm very sorry.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: S.O.S. Part 2 (#2.22)" (2015)
Phil Coulson: So, May asked off some time for the first time in the history of ever. Does that have anything to do with you being around these last few days?
Dr. Andrew Garner: Now, you know I can't discuss personal matters with patients.
Phil Coulson: I'm your patient now? I wasn't your patient the other night when you and your ex-wife snuck into my office and drank up half my scotch.

Leo Fitz: [Excited] Sir! Good news. I modified my field generators to act in unison as a quantum field disruptor.
Phil Coulson: Great. You're saying you found a way to shut down Gordon's teleportation ability?
Leo Fitz: [Deflated] Well, now my news sounds less good.
Phil Coulson: Oh. Sorry.

Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: What the hell took you so long?
Phil Coulson: It's a big boat. With poor signage.

Phil Coulson: [Hefting a large wrench and wielding it like a bat] You know, I batted over .400 in little league.

Dr. Andrew Garner: You convinced Mack not to quit.
Phil Coulson: Yeah, well, he kinda owed me after cutting my hand without asking.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Making Friends and Influencing People (#2.3)" (2014)
Phil Coulson: What am I hearing?
Lance Hunter: Agent May shot me.
Phil Coulson: Repeat?
Lance Hunter: May shot me.
Antoine Triplett: Man, I wanted to be the one.

Phil Coulson: Did you think I wouldn't find out?
[Opens her fridge]
Phil Coulson: Sriracha? Beer? That's all? What kind of diet is that?
Jemma Simmons: Well, I also have tea. And if my diet's such a concern, then perhaps dead drops shouldn't involve fast food.
Phil Coulson: We'll revisit that protocol.

Jemma Simmons: Do you remember Donnie Gill?
Phil Coulson: I mean, I knew he was a gifted scientist, but you're saying he's... a *gifted* scientist.

Phil Coulson: Maribel del Mar. Anchored in the port of Casablanca. It's a privately owned cargo ship. Supposed to cast off this morning but didn't. It's frozen in ice.
Antoine Triplett: Iceberg in the middle east? Gill's not subtle.

Leo Fitz: Is there anything more?
Phil Coulson: That I'm keeping from you? Yeah. I'm Director. There's a helluva lot more.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Things We Bury (#2.8)" (2014)
Skye: You didn't want to crack him yourself?
Phil Coulson: Bobbi is as good as they come. My job now is to keep an eye on the big picture.
Skye: And you found something to chase.
Phil Coulson: Fury. I've been thinking a lot about what made him such a good director. His communication skills - flawed. But he could see five steps ahead, which, for a one-eyed man, is impressive.
Skye: He knew his enemies.
Phil Coulson: And for better or worse, he could think like them. Whitehall has a weapon that's unpredictable, but he's not. I don't want to be in a footrace to stop him. I want to be waiting at the finish line.

Phil Coulson: [Coming up to Skye and Trip, who are readying their weapons] What are we gonna do, storm Oahu?
Skye: We don't know yet.
Phil Coulson: Ditch the guns. Take this.
[Hands her what appears to be a watch]
Skye: What is it?
Phil Coulson: It's a watch. Deliver it to Cam, the owner of the Kahananui repair shop. Here. It'll need the following inscription... "Dearest Darren, I count the seconds we're apart. Love, your island flower." You got that?
Skye: "Island flower"... got it. Anything else?
Phil Coulson: If it starts to leak any fluids, drop it, run.
Skye: This does not sound like a watch.
Phil Coulson: [Hands Trip a button] Take this to the Ka Pua dry-cleaner on Makaimoimo street.
Antoine Triplett: Maka-what, now?
Phil Coulson: Not the one on Hookelewaa.
Antoine Triplett: Am I good with this in my pocket?
Phil Coulson: That depends. You ever want kids?

Calvin Zabo: [Talking about Whitehall] He thinks the Diviner is just a weapon, he has no idea of its true power, of what's inside. Oh, there's something inside.
Phil Coulson: What are we talking about? Tesseract level power?
Calvin Zabo: Sure. I don't know what that is.

Phil Coulson: Fitz, how you coming with the transceiver patch?
Leo Fitz: I've got it down to 7 minutes, 20 seconds.
Phil Coulson: That's not good enough.
Leo Fitz: No, that's with my bad hand. With both, I can do it, definitely.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Devils You Know (#3.4)" (2015)
Phil Coulson: I think the conspiracy nut in you had a few too many lattes this morning.
Daisy 'Skye' Johnson: I did have a latte. It was a double.

Phil Coulson: Where are you taking the victims?
Rosalind Price: That's classified. Oh, it's not fun when it's you, right? Can't believe I just said that to the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Phil Coulson: You know, I'm really not feeling the spirit of cooperation here.

Phil Coulson: It's okay. The A.T.C.U. is here to help.
Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: Really? 'Cause the other day, they wanted Daisy's head for their trophy case!
Phil Coulson: Agent Mackenzie.
Rosalind Price: Bit of an exaggeration- but, that was then, and this is now. And, right now, we're here to contain a threat, same as you. Fan out!
[she and her team move out]
Daisy 'Skye' Johnson: I get that you cut a deal with them, but for the record...
Phil Coulson: It's a means to an end.
Daisy 'Skye' Johnson: Ours, or theirs?

Rosalind Price: Do you really have a laser finger?
Phil Coulson: Sorry. It's classified.

Marvel One-Shot: The Consultant (2011) (V)
Agent Sitwell: It didn't go well did it?
Agent Coulson: No, it did not.
Agent Sitwell: They reject the Initiative?
Agent Coulson: No, of course not. But they made the most idiotic, ill-conceived request imaginable - they want Blonsky on the team.
Agent Sitwell: Ah, "The Abomination".
Agent Coulson: They really don't like when you call him that.

Agent Sitwell: I got it! We send a patsy to sabotage the debriefing.
Agent Coulson: A patsy?
Agent Sitwell: Yes. Someone to screw it up. Someone so inept General Ross will refuse to release Blonsky. I could do it. I do a great patsy.
Agent Coulson: Yes, you do. Your patsy's legendary. In fact, when I think of the word "patsy"...
Agent Sitwell: All right!

Agent Sitwell: What about the Harlem incident?
Agent Coulson: They're pinning that on Banner.
Agent Sitwell: [shocked] On BANNER?
Agent Coulson: Not the guy you wanna make angry.

Agent Sitwell: So, any word?
Agent Coulson: Mission accomplished. The Abomination will remain in his cage, for now. Apparently, the Consultant outdid himself. Ross got so mad he tried to have him removed from the bar.
Agent Sitwell: How'd that go over?
Agent Coulson: Stark bought the place. It's scheduled for demolition on Thursday.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: End of the Beginning (#1.16)" (2014)
Melinda May: It's not what you think, Coulson. It's just an Icer.
Phil Coulson: This one is not. It's real, with real bullets.

Skye: Ward said that the Clairvoyant knew how to push all the right buttons.
Phil Coulson: Raina did that to me, too.
Skye: Did she mention your father's death?
[Gesturing to a file on a tablet]
Skye: Your psych evaluation called it "a defining moment". These aren't just personality tests. They're surveillance on every agent pictures, stats, where you've been stationed, who you'd visit, where you'd like to eat.
Phil Coulson: [Reading] Dinners at the Richmond. He's been monitoring us. Think about it. The Clairvoyant only knew you'd be at Quinn's villa...
Skye: After I dropped a tracker. And the only thing he's had trouble seeing is what happened to you after you died.
Phil Coulson: Because Director Fury wouldn't release that file to anyone.
Skye: [Realizing where this is going] No...
Phil Coulson: The Clairvoyant doesn't have abilities. He has security clearance. He's an agent of SHIELD.

Phil Coulson: [Skye has just been made a full agent] You earned this.
John Garrett: Hell, you took two in the gut. More than Sitwell here's ever done.

Victoria Hand: You realize, Agent Coulson, they have these things called teleconferences now.
Phil Coulson: Nice to see you too, Agent Hand.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: One Door Closes (#2.15)" (2015)
Melinda May: They know all of our protocols. We handed Mack the schematics of our base.
Phil Coulson: They don't know everything about this place - not like we do.
Melinda May: She said she was working for S.H.I.E.L.D., Phil. The *real* S.H.I.E.L.D.
Phil Coulson: What the hell does that mean?

Robert Gonzales: I was wrong that day. We followed Fury's orders, hundreds of men and women who devoted their lives to this organization would be dead. If I had been the man in charge, they'd all be lost.
Phil Coulson: So now you all operate as what? Five friendly faces who agree on everything? I don't see the other four here talking to me - just you.
Robert Gonzales: I have no desire to be the director.
Phil Coulson: You think I *did*? Fury chose me.
Robert Gonzales: *He* made you. You're literally his creation. He thought of himself as some sort of king who made damn sure he had an heir to the throne. Try and remember Project Insight was Fury's idea. Secrets is what brought S.H.I.E.L.D. down the first time, and we won't let that happen again.
Phil Coulson: If you wanted to talk to me, Agent Gonzales, you should have talked to me. You put spies on my team, invaded my base, hurt my people. Fury's secrets didn't bring down S.H.I.E.L.D., Hydra did.
Robert Gonzales: I wonder if you really believe that.

Phil Coulson: You really think they're gonna help you?
Robert Gonzales: Every member of your team is a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. We'll let them make their own decisions.
[May shoots Gonzalez with an Icer]
Melinda May: Already made mine.
Phil Coulson: That's really a nice entrance.

Robert Gonzales: Nice office. Lots of light.
Phil Coulson: You haven't even delved into the record collection.

Iron Man 2 (2010)
[as Coulson gazes upon a crater, he makes a call]
Agent Coulson: Sir. We found it.
[camera pans down to reveal Thor's hammer]

[Agent Coulson is left in charge of Tony]
Agent Coulson: If you try to escape, or play any sort of games with me, I will taze you and watch "Supernanny" while you drool into the carpet.

Agent Coulson: [holding up the Captain America shield] Where did you get this? Do you have any idea what this is?
Tony Stark: *That*... is exactly what I need!
[takes shield, shoves it under coil, measures with carpenter's level]
Tony Stark: There, see? Perfectly level.

Agent Coulson: Good luck. We need you.
Tony Stark: More than you know.
Agent Coulson: Not that much.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Frenemy of My Enemy (#2.18)" (2015)
Lance Hunter: Three men, heavily armed - bet there's more where they came from.
Grant Ward: Does it matter? They got a cyborg on board with rockets in his arm.
Phil Coulson: He's not a cyborg - he's a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent... with rockets in his arm.

Phil Coulson: Take me to your leader.

Phil Coulson: [to Mack and Bobbi after a fire fight between SHIELD and Hydra] I doubled back after Hydra took off. The cleanup crew really sucks, doesn't it?

"Ultimate Spider-Man: Doomed (#1.3)" (2012)
Nick Fury: Coulson, you have any idea where our teenage, heroes-in-training are?
Agent Phil Coulson: Sir, I'm in the middle of a crisis. This school's budget is a mess! I'm trimming the fat. No more doors on boy's bathroom stalls, rougher toilet paper - Hey, maybe SHIELD can donate...
Nick Fury: [Hangs up on him] Good Godfry, Coulson's gone native.

Agent Phil Coulson: Director Fury, I need the full power of SHIELD's legal team stat! We need to limit how much actual meat you need to legally call something "meatloaf". We can save the budget, man!
Nick Fury: Coulson, we need to talk priorities.

Agent Phil Coulson: You can settle it in detention.
Peter Parker: Detention! Principle Coulson, I've never had detention before in my life! Aww, my aunt is gonna kill me. Then she's going to bring me back as a zombie and kill me again!

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Aftershocks (#2.11)" (2015)
Skye: Did you find Raina's body yet?
Phil Coulson: There's a lot of rubble to dig through, but not yet. Whatever gas came out of that obelisk hit you, too. That's why we're being extra cautious. It's hard to make sense of all of this.
Skye: What? No, it - No, it isn't. We lost. We failed.
Phil Coulson: Skye, don't say that.
Skye: It wasn't because of Hydra. It was because of me.
Phil Coulson: Don't blame yourself.
Skye: If I didn't go down there, you could have blown the place!
Phil Coulson: That was one battle. This is a war.
Skye: And Ward and my father - the rotten core the center of everything!
Phil Coulson: We did not fail! Trip prevented a disaster, and Whitehall's dead. We cut off the head. And while Hydra scrambles for a new one, I will crush them! I'm gonna make someone pay - whoever the hell it is.

Phil Coulson: I shouldn't have to ask any of you to save one of our own.
Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: You never ask! You just give your orders, no matter cracked out they are!
Melinda May: Mack, you'd do well to remember your rank right now.
Lance Hunter: Really? Rank at a time like this - why don't you shove your rank up your...
Bobbi Morse: Not helping, Hunter.
Skye: Guys, stop.
Lance Hunter: No, it's cathartic. Do you have any thoughts of your own on it, or do you just parrot his?
Melinda May: Coulson's trying to stop Hydra.
Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: We didn't stop anything! We unleashed something on the planet!
Skye: Please.
Leo Fitz: No one knows what happened yet.
Melinda May: It could have been a lot worse.
Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: And Skye barely made it out alive!
Melinda May: Thanks to Trip - he sacrificed his life, Mack!
Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: No! He traded his life for hers! And then he was shattered into a thousand pieces!
Phil Coulson: That's enough! If Trip was here. He wouldn't be arguing, he wouldn't be bitching. He would be gearing up to do what needs to be done. Yes, we're dealing with forces we don't understand, but Hydra I *do* understand. I want everyone ready when the sun comes up - end of discussion.

Melinda May: "You'll never take us alive"? Really? That's a little over the top, don't you think?
Phil Coulson: I only had a day to come up with this whole thing. Besides, if I let you write the script, no one would say anything.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: A Wanted (Inhu)Man (#3.3)" (2015)
Phil Coulson: This just went from bad to really, really bad.

Phil Coulson: Daisy, I need you to monitor all law-enforcement activity near Lincoln's last known location.
Daisy 'Skye' Johnson: How 'bout we take a team and go look for him ourselves?
Alphonso 'Mack' Mackenzie: No. The A.T.C.U.'s on a witch hunt for powered people.
Daisy 'Skye' Johnson: I'm not afraid of them.
Phil Coulson: No, but they're terrified of you. Which makes them dangerous. Until we know where he is, you're not going out there.

Rosalind Price: [about Lincoln] He's extremely dangerous...
Phil Coulson: He wouldn't be, in our custody.
Rosalind Price: We're not going to harvest him for parts, if that's what you're worried about. We're not Hydra.
Phil Coulson: You say that now. What's so important about him?
Rosalind Price: Are you serious? He could bring down a plane. Feels like a man worth talking to.
Phil Coulson: I have another theory: the President makes a big speech about this new organization he's put into place. I imagine that puts a lot of pressure onto you. Pressure to show results.
Rosalind Price: You're not wrong. And that's why I'm taking him in.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Ye Who Enter Here (#2.9)" (2014)
Antoine Triplett: Isn't that in the Bermuda Triangle? 'Cause that explains a lot.
Phil Coulson: Actually, it doesn't have to do with the Triangle. We solved that back in the '80s.
Antoine Triplett: Uh, Atlantis?
Phil Coulson: Try Puerto Rico.

Phil Coulson: You ever had the fried plantains here?
Bobbi Morse: Tostones? Yeah. Why?
Phil Coulson: I heard about this place down the street where they put crab in them, wouldn't mind trying that. You know, after we save the world.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Among Us Hide... (#3.6)" (2015)
Phil Coulson: Nice of you to pick me up.
Rosalind Price: Yes. On the corner, since won't tell me where your base is.
Phil Coulson: You know I run a spy organization, right?

Daisy 'Skye' Johnson: Lash was tracking us. He knew where our truck was. He needed inside info for that.
Phil Coulson: You think he's got access to ATCU information?
Daisy 'Skye' Johnson: No, I think he's in the ATCU. We know that he can transform himself into a regular size guy and back. What if he's hiding out as one of them?
Phil Coulson: That's a scary thought.

Marvel One-Shot: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Thor's Hammer (2011) (V)
Clerk: [Coulson has just thwarted an armed robbery of the store] Wait. What should I tell the police?
Agent Coulson: Tell them those Tae-Bo tapes really paid off.

Robber 1: Who owns that car outside?
Agent Coulson: [In the aisles] I do
[Robber points gun at him]
Agent Coulson: but it's really more like a lease.
Robber 2: Toss the keys over here.
Agent Coulson: Okay, okay.
Robber 1: C'mon!
[Coulson throws his keys, the robber turns to the clerk]
Robber 1: Empty the cash registrar, start filling this bag with cigarettes, pa...
Agent Coulson: [Interrupts] Excuse me
[Robbers turn]
Agent Coulson: I also have this gun, you'll probably be needing that.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Scars (#2.20)" (2015)
Lance Hunter: You're really going to let Captain Ahab just waltz in there and have a fireside chat with Skye's mom?
Phil Coulson: I am, though that is a really strange way of putting it.

Phil Coulson: If I don't put my faith in them, then S.H.I.E.L.D. will fall apart all over again.
Lance Hunter: Hate to break it to you, but S.H.I.E.L.D. will also fall apart if a dozen angry enhanced blokes rain terror on us all.
Leo Fitz: Yeah
Phil Coulson: I think we've been spending too much time together.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: What They Become (#2.10)" (2014)
Phil Coulson: Two goals - stop the drill, find Skye.
Lance Hunter: Aren't you forgetting the third.
Phil Coulson: What's that?
Bobbi Morse: Don't die out there. We tend to remind each other not to die.
Phil Coulson: I thought that was implicit.
Bobbi Morse: He likes to hear it.
Lance Hunter: Who doesn't like to hear it?

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Love in the Time of Hydra (#2.14)" (2015)
Phil Coulson: You and I need to take a ride.
Skye: Okay. But why am suddenly feeling like Old Yeller right now?
Phil Coulson: Kind of surprised you know the reference.
Skye: I've had a lot of downtime lately. That and Fitz really wants a dog.
Phil Coulson: Thought he wanted a monkey.

"Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Chaos Theory (#3.7)" (2015)
Phil Coulson: [after May shoots Andrew into the containment unit and is shown to have survived]
Phil Coulson: How did you know that wasn't going to kill him?
Melinda May: I didn't.