Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz
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Quotes for
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz (Character)
from "Hogan's Heroes" (1965)

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"Hogan's Heroes: Art for Hogan's Sake (#2.16)" (1966)
Verlaine: They stole it from the museum?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Filthy assassins.
Verlaine: Ah, animals.
Suzette: Dogs!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: You forgot pigs... By the way who are we talking about?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Germans!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I got into the wrong conversation.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Shultz, impersonating a Wermacht General, has run off a pair of Gestapo men attempting to search the flat of LeBeau's artist friend who will forge the replacement of the painting. While being heartily congratulated by the painter, painter's daughter, LeBeau & Hogan Hogan asks] How'd you do that?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Easy. Lucky for you, I was *loaded*.
[Schultz had been drinking wine all afternoon]

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: That's right, get the p- Wait a minute. This is the picture that was burned up.
Cpl. Karl Langenscheidt: Ja, there is something wrong here.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: You're part of it, shut up.


"Hogan's Heroes: The Flame Grows Higher (#1.31)" (1966)
[last lines]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Colonel Hogan, if you ever escape...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Be a good fellow and take me with you.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [reading a dispatch from General Burkhalter] At the suggestion of the Gestapo, Sergeant Schultz is hereby commended for efficiency in the performance of his duty.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: But I'm not guilty!


"Hogan's Heroes: Klink for the Defense (#6.19)" (1971)
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Hogan? Since when is he running this prison camp?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Let me see. It was three years ago, in November I think.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: It is about his defense counsel. Colonel Hauptmann is a very lucky man.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Who's defending him?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Klink?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Klink?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Klink?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: You don't mean our Klink. I mean, the Klink here - you don't mean him.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Ja, Kommandant Klink, a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.


"Hogan's Heroes: Kommandant of the Year (#1.3)" (1965)
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Don't you know no one is allowed outside after roll call?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: I was just going into town for some beer. I'd have been back by, say, June - July at the latest.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan requests permission to see you.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Later, Schultz, I have no time for him now.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan requested me to tell you it is urgent.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Really? Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp? Hogan or me? Sometimes I wonder!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Me too, Herr Komm...
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Boy, are you running the camp.


"Hogan's Heroes: The Sergeant's Analyst (#5.23)" (1970)
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: [catching Schultz asleep] On your feet Schultz!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: General Burkhalter, what are you doing here?
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: First suppose you tell me what you were doing there.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Well...
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Your lying!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: You see...
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Enough! I don't want to hear any more of your lies.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: That's the only one I had.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [after being told he does not have to transfer] You mean I do not have to go?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You heard the commandant, now back to your post.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, so you made a few stupid mistakes. You're lazy, you're fat, you sleep on duty. Still, you're a likable clod.


"Hogan's Heroes: German Bridge Is Falling Down (#1.7)" (1965)
Colonel Klink: If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing; you are ignorant.
Schultz: Oh, I can handle that.
Colonel Klink: I know.

[reading graffiti]
Schultz: Hess is a mess. Himmler is a rat fink. Goering is a fat rat fink. Klink is bucking for rat fink.


"Hogan's Heroes: Hold That Tiger (#1.2)" (1965)
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [Leaving barracks, after finding out Hogan's plans regarding the tank] I know nothing! I was not here! I did not even get up this morning!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Hogan is kissing Tiger goodbye out on the compound]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [Tries to cover up Hogan and Tiger] Col. Hogan! Col. Hogan! Kissing prisoners is verboten!


"Hogan's Heroes: Drums Along the Dusseldorf (#3.30)" (1968)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I've got a present for you from Carter. He's made you an honorary Chief of the Sioux tribe.
[He gives Schultz a feather headdress]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [Very excitedly] It's Bee-yoo-ti-ful!
[He puts it on and looks in a mirror]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: He's also given you a new name, Schultz. You are now Big Chief Running Bear Who Goes Swift And Sure To Beer Garden.
[Klink enters the room]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Outraged] Or, you could be Big Fat Schultz Who Goes Swift And Sure To The Russian Front!

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: He took my feather.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I'd say we scalp him but somebody beat us to it.


"Hogan's Heroes: The Kommandant Dies at Dawn (#5.6)" (1969)
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: It's going to snow again. The weather is getting a little nippy.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yes, good thing the mail arrived.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Why? Are you expecting any warm clothing?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: No, I use the letters to cover the holes in my underwear.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I could use a few letters myself.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah, in your case, Schultz, you'd need the New York Times. Sunday edition.


"Hogan's Heroes: The Great Impersonation (#1.21)" (1966)
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [about the Gestapo] They could send me to the Russian Front.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Or shoot you.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Or both.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [laughs] That's impossible. You can't shoot a man AND send him to the Russian Front.
[thinks for a moment]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: No, they could do it.


"Hogan's Heroes: Some of Their Planes Are Missing (#3.2)" (1967)
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Come on, Schultz, you can't be that stupid.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Who says I can't?


"Hogan's Heroes: Monkey Business (#3.29)" (1968)
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: But don't let the commandant see the monkey.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Monkey, Schultz? Freddy is a chimpanzee. He's very sensitive about that.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, I'm sorry, Freddy.


"Hogan's Heroes: Clearance Sale at the Black Market (#4.1)" (1968)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Schultz tells about his evening] Don't just stand there, Schultz. Come on, tell us about it.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Well, she let me kiss her - affectionately, you know?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You, uh, put your arms around her?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: What do you think? I sent her the kiss by mail?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And I suppose, uh, she put her arms around you?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: You said it, big boy.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: All the way around? She must be an orangutan.


"Hogan's Heroes: A Klink, a Bomb and a Short Fuse (#2.8)" (1966)
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What are you waiting for? Cut the wire.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's the problem. One of these wires disconnects the fuse, the other one fires the bomb. Which one would you cut, Shultz?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Don't ask me, this is a decision for an officer.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: All right. Which wire, Colonel Klink?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: This one.
[points to the white wire]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're sure?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Cuts the black wire, the bomb stops ticking]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: If you knew which wire it was, why did you ask me?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I wasn't sure which was the right one, but I was certain you'd pick the wrong one.


"Hogan's Heroes: No Names Please (#4.10)" (1968)
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [after sending Maj. Hochstetters spy out of the office, making him believe they're gonna raid the prisoner's barracks Wednesday night] Just a moment, Schultz. Tuesday night.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Tuesday?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan thinks he can outsmart me. He'll try to use the tunnel a day earlier and really escape. But I shall be waiting for him. And I won't have to share credit with Major Hochstetter. Am I not clever?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Could I think about that, Herr Commandant?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, Schultz. I want you to give that a lot of thought... on your way to the Eastern Front.


"Hogan's Heroes: How to Escape from Prison Camp Without Really Trying (#3.26)" (1968)
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung!
[no response]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung!
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What did you say, Schultz?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I said 'Achtung!'
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh. Your bid, Kinch.
Kinch: Two of clubs.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: When I say 'Achtung' that means that you all are to SNAP to attention.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh, is that what it means? Huh! I always thought it meant 'Good morning' or 'Greetings, Mate.' Something like that.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: No, no. 'Achtung' is a command. When I say 'Achtung' I want you all to come to attention at once.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: I wasn't sure what that one meant myself. It always sounded like Schultz was just clearing his throat. So that's a command for attention, huh?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: That's right! Now that you all know it...
[Schultz leaves and then re-enters the room]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung!
Sgt. Andrew Carter: And a 'Good morning' to you, too, Schultz.
Kinch: Didn't you hear what Schultz said?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Sure. He said 'Achtung' so I said 'Good morning' right back to him.
Kinch: Achtung doesn't mean 'Good morning.'
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, that's what Newkirk says it means. And who are we gonna believe? One of us or one of them?
Kinch: He's got a point there.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Yes he does! You'd better brush up on your German, Schultz.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yeah, don't use words you're not sure of. In future, to avoid confusion, why don't you just say 'Good Morning' in English?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hi Schultz! Just let us all know when it's time for Roll Call, will you?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Jawohl, Colonel Hogan... But it IS time for Roll Call. That's why I came here in the first place! It's almost PAST time for Roll Call!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, you'd never make sergeant in OUR Air Force.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Roll Call! Everybody out, out, out, out, out, out, out! Roll Call! Raus!
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Hey Thank you! And a 'Good day' to you, too, Schultz.


"Hogan's Heroes: That's No Lady, That's My Spy (#6.17)" (1971)
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I'm going to need a few things, you know.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: What for?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: You don't think I'd let a Frenchman make the tea, do you? He doesn't have a clue.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Don't they drink tea in France?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: We don't drink anything we don't stomp on.


"Hogan's Heroes: Unfair Exchange (#5.5)" (1969)
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [hanging up the phone] General Burkhalter, I'm sorry to say your sister has been kidnapped.
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: What do they want, Klink?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: They say we are holding a girl. I'm not holding a girl.
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Neither am I.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I wish I were.


"Hogan's Heroes: The Safecracker Suite (#1.27)" (1966)
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [spots Alfie sitting at the table] What do think I am nuts or something? Who is that Grandpa?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Just another one of the prisoners, captured like the rest of us.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Who captured him... the Kaiser?


"Hogan's Heroes: The Experts (#6.2)" (1970)
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Carry on, but quietly, I have lots of work to do.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [mockingly] Lot of work to do.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: The new girlie magazines must be in from Paris.


"Hogan's Heroes: One Army at a Time (#5.20)" (1970)
[Hochstetter wakes Klink up in the middle of the night]
Colonel Klink: Heil Hitler!
Schultz: No, no, it is Major Hochstetter.
Colonel Klink: Heil Hochstetter!


"Hogan's Heroes: Eight O'Clock and All Is Well (#6.8)" (1970)
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Now, Klink, last night, not too far from here, a convoy was blown up, almost totally destroyed. These lines are drawn from the points where the sabotage has taken place. Now, Klink, where do these lines cross?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Stalag 13.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: How do you explain this, Klink?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well, we are centrally located.


"Hogan's Heroes: Get Fit or Go Fight (#5.16)" (1970)
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [boys are polishing Klink's car] These boys polish the car every time I come to see you.
Gerda: Hero worship.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Did you hear that, Schultz? The boys think I'm a hero.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: The joke is on them, Herr Kommandant.


"Hogan's Heroes: My Favorite Prisoner (#4.18)" (1969)
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Speak up, Schultz.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Well Colonel Hogan asked me if he could leave the camp tonight again to see the baroness.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What did you tell him?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I said, Yes. Kommandant Klink's orders.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You fool! I warned you not to listen to me unless I tell you to.


"Hogan's Heroes: Will the Real Adolf Please Stand Up? (#2.12)" (1966)
Foster: This is the sergeant of the guard mein Führer.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [as Hitler] Sergeant... I was once a corporal you know. I hated sergeants then, and I hate sergeants now!
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Danke mein Führer!


"Hogan's Heroes: Reservations Are Required (#1.15)" (1965)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [to Col. Klink] Who would want to escape from all this beauty?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [savoring the irony] All this beauty!


"Hogan's Heroes: Diamonds in the Rough (#2.3)" (1966)
[Hogan's typical obfuscation has just saved Klink's reputation before a Gestapo investigator - who has exited]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [surprised and aghast] Hogan, you are the biggest liar I have ever met in my whole life!
[Klink exits]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Colonel Hogan, he said a terrible thing to you!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I know.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: He called you a liar!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [dismissive] He really knows how to hurt a guy.
[both smile and then light up cigars]


"Hogan's Heroes: The Missing Klink (#4.15)" (1969)
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Like all of us, the general has his good points as well as his faults.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Yes.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What do you think my faults are?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [after failure to keep a straight face] I wasn't talking about you, Herr Commandant.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You know, Schultz, the trouble is you're afraid to say anything you think. Filled with fear, frightened to express any kind of opinion.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, no, Herr Commandant. I talk about you all the time, when you are not around.