Col. Robert E. Hogan
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Quotes for
Col. Robert E. Hogan (Character)
from "Hogan's Heroes" (1965)

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"Hogan's Heroes: German Bridge Is Falling Down (#1.7)" (1965)
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Look, I know that arrow was pointed in the right direction! I took a bearing from the roof of Klink's office.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It doesn't matter, Kinch. The Adolf Hitler Bridge is still in business.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Yeah, and Klink's happy - nasty happy.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Let's make him unhappy - nasty unhappy. Let's knock out that bridge.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: What kind of explosives have we got, Carter?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Three firecrackers and a can of lighter fluid.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Firecrackers?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, sure. You remember - we told Klink LeBeau was part Chinese and we had to have firecrackers to celebrate Chinese New Years.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: And I cooked that whole pot of chow mein... with sauerkraut.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Please - not while I'm plotting.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Kinch, you go with Carter and help him set up his bomb factory in Tunnel Number 3.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Right, Colonel.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: What about me, Colonel? What do I do?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: LeBeau, my boy, I'm holding you in reserve.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: What?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: If Carter's bombs don't do it, we may have to poison that bridge.

[a huge explosion rocks the tunnel]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Carter? Carter? Are you OK?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Oh, yeah. Boy, that stuff is really unstable! You've got to get that mixture just right. You gotta expect a few little explosions.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh sure, sure.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: You keep that up and Klink'll be down here in a minute and there goes the ball game!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I think I have an idea on how to explain the noise. Carter, keep working... oh, you do have insurance?

[Carter's attempts to manufacture explosives destroys one of the tunnels]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We still gotta figure a way to make more ammunition.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, I'm still willing to try, Colonel.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Whose side are you on?

[last lines]
[Hogan's men react angrily when he volunteers to help rebuild the Adolf Hitler Bridge in exchange for Klink's promise to reopen the recreation hall]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Shhh. Alright, alright. We're going to rebuild the bridge with a very special feature.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What you mean by that, Colonel?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Newkirk, can you pick a lock?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I find that question, sir, 'ighly insulting.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Prisoner's Prisoner (#1.6)" (1965)
[Hogan decides to destroy the German ammo dump unsuccessfully attacked by Sergeant Orchard and his men]
Sergeant Walters: You're thinking of going there?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Why not? It's in the neighborhood.
Sergeant Walters: You mean you're going to stage a raid from a prison camp? You must be daft! That's fifty miles away through the heart of Germany. How are you going to get there?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Through our local travelers aid man, Colonel Klink

Sgt. Andrew Carter: Let's get out of here!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Let's get our prisoner first.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: We haven't got time... Our what? We can't keep a prisoner!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, we've got our own prison. What better place to keep him.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: But we're prisoners!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: So what? Just because we're prisoners doesn't mean we can't have our own prisoners.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: It's impossible.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: There's a rule or something? The Geneva Convention - not a word. We got our rights; we're as good as they are. Look, if the Germans can have an American prisoner, why can't the Americans have a German prisoner. If we're wrong, what are they going to do? Lock us up?

[Hogan is trying to trick General Schmidt into revealing the location of his secret headquarters]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: He won't talk to save his life... or will he? I think the general's going to be ill - deathly ill. Newkirk, we have a job for the Mighty Hogan Art Players.

"Hogan's Heroes: Monkey Business (#3.29)" (1968)
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [the men are planting flowers] I was not aware that you were such a nature lover.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Mm-hmm, we think it'll, uh it'll go a lot easier for you, sir - you should be prepared.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Prepared for what?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: For the liberation. When the Allies march in the front gate, it'll go a lot easier for you if you're standing there with a bouquet of pansies.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, do you realize what General Burkhalter would say if he saw a chimpanzee working in the garden?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's a lot better than if he saw him lying in the sack goldbricking.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well, I'm grateful that a lion didn't walk into your barracks.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Him I would let goldbrick.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Witness (#4.23)" (1969)
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You will all stay away from that rocket. Did you hear me? What is going on there? Back, back, all of you. Back!
General von Rauscher: Who are you?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Major Hochstetter, Herr General, in charge of security here, and you're all much too close to this rocket.
General von Rauscher: My dear Major, there is no danger of it firing...
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Firing? Who's worried about firing? I'm worried about spying.
General von Rauscher: Are you aware that I am in charge of this project, and that this is the inventor?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [Zagoskin hands him his notebook] Until I clear you, you will please stop inventing.
[points at Marya]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Who is that woman?
General von Rauscher: She is my interpreter, Hochstetter.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, Major Hochstetter. And I believe a full corporal.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What is this bungler doing here?
General von Rauscher: Responsible for the security of our witness.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: *I am responsible for security here!* What witness?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hi there.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What is this man doing here?
General von Rauscher: Hochstetter, I am in charge of this project. And I am operating *under direct authority of the German General Staff*.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Traitors, all of them. What is this man doing here?
General von Rauscher: I *am in charge of security*...
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: *What is this man doing here?*
General von Rauscher: He is our witness.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Witness? You have chosen the most dangerous man in all of Germany as a witness. The Gestapo is taking over. I will surround this camp with a ring of steel. Anyone within a hundred yards of this rocket will be shot and reshot.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Berlin is calling every minute. "What happened to the Duke of York?" *Nothing is what happened to the Duke of York!*
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Bad scene, Major.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Hogan, I will not go down alone. If my head is to roll, all heads will roll.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Except, Major, I quite clearly had no part in this whole affair. Therefore...
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: *All heads will roll!*
Col. Wilhelm Klink: All heads will roll, that's quite democratic.
Marya: Poor Putzie. So handsome and so unlucky.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Traitors, all of you. I fully intend... Hogan, why are you so composed?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, it's obvious, Major. You've already figured how to turn this to your advantage.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: I have?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: He has?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Of course. The ultimate weapon didn't quite work out. But the Major has a plan to cripple the entire Russian rocket program.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: He has?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Go on, Hogan.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're pulling my leg. You're not arranging right now for Zagoskin to escape to Russia? Of course you are. He'll do for them what he's done for you. That's worthy of Himmler himself, Major.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Hogan, I...
Marya: Major Hochstetter is a genius, Putzie. He has saved us all.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Ja, I believe I have.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're still going to send me home, aren't you?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Of course not. Take him away, Klink. Back to Stalag 13.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, take him away.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Cruel, sir, cruel.

"Hogan's Heroes: Will the Real Colonel Klink Please Stand Up Against the Wall? (#4.13)" (1968)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Have you got everything straight?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: [dressed as Klink] Maybe you better run through it once more. Klink isn't too bright, you know.
[laughs. LeBeau glares at him]
Sgt. Andrew Carter: At 9:55, I go into the station master, and I tell him I have this package that has to go out on the Berlin Express. It's of great military importance.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And if he asks any questions?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: I yell and scream at him, call him a few twelve-letter names, and if he still gives me an argument, I... think of something else.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Carter, you overpower him quickly and quietly.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: I think it's much safer to think of something else.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Andrew, the station master is a little old man.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Uh-huh, and sometimes little old men have big old guns.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Carter, civilians aren't allowed to carry firearms, and besides Kinch'll be outside if you need any help.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Just because we're enemies is no reason we can't be friends.

"Hogan's Heroes: Kommandant of the Year (#1.3)" (1965)
[spying on the equipment guarded closely by German soldiers]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Ahhh. That *is* bigger than a piano. It's even bigger than a breadbox!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Maybe it's some kind of new secret weapon.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Then why are they bringing it here?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: They know its safe. The Allies won't bomb a prisoner of war camp.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Now you see that wouldn't be cricket.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Hey, gang! What if we find out what is is and if its important enough, we get London to bomb the camp? That'll be great!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Carter. Out.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Schultz says I might get shot.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's right.

"Hogan's Heroes: No Names Please (#4.10)" (1968)
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: So you are all under arrest.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You're a little late, my friend.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Major, this happens to be Tuesday.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [sarcastically] Oh, thank you very much.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I distinctly told you Wednesday, not Tuesday.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You think I listen to what you say? You might as well have said Friday, for all I care.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I never said anything about Friday.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [annoyed] I didn't say you said anything about Friday.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [annoyed] Now tell me: was it Tuesday or was it Wednesday? Be honest!
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Honest with you? You don't even know how to spell the word.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ha. Coming from the Gestapo, that sounds very funny. Now you may leave anytime, and take your spy, Private Berger, with you!
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What spy?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [shouting] And more, I wanna tell you...
[Klink and Hochstetter shout into each other, so you can barely understand what they're shouting]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Interrupting] Hold it!
[Normal tone of voice]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You make me feel terrible.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, it's true, we dug the tunnel and tried to escape. But, that's not the worst thing we did.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan. What else did you do?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I broke up a beautiful friendship.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, are you a spy?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I don't know anything about the underground or sabotage.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What's there to know? You plant a bomb and a bridge blows up. A child could do that.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You must know some nice kids.

"Hogan's Heroes: Two Nazis for the Price of One (#3.17)" (1967)
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Of course, we could give you the time to think it over in a special cell we have. It's not big enough to stand up in, and it is not big enough to lie down in.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sounds like a hotel room I once had in Cleveland.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: During the days, the temperature is 140 degrees, and at night, it is below freezing.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's the hotel, all right.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Then, if you still won't talk, you will be starved, tortured and then shot. Well, Colonel, what you say, hmm?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What can I say? You've made me homesick for Cleveland.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Klink and Hogan enter Freitag's room] I can't tell you what an honour it is to have the opportunity...
Herman Freitag: [completely ignoring Klink] Colonel Hogan, I've heard so much about you, I feel I've known you a long time.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You've heard of me? I haven't really done anything.
Herman Freitag: Your modesty does you credit. But sometimes the best-kept secrets leak out. You know what I mean?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I suppose you're talking about the bombing mission I flew against your secret submarine base in Bremen?
Herman Freitag: Oh, was that you?
[laughs uncomfortably]
Herman Freitag: Yeah, we lost eight submarines in that raid.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I believe it was nine, but who's counting?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [laughing] That reminds me of a marvellously funny story about a sailor who hadn't seen his wife...
Herman Freitag: [again ignoring Klink] Actually, I'm an admirer of what you've been doing more recently.
[pauses briefly]
Herman Freitag: Oh, I'm sorry. Colonel Hogan, this is Ilse Praeger. Deputy Gruppenfuhrer Mannheim.
[Mannheim steps forward, Freitag addresses Colonel Klink]
Herman Freitag: What is your name?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Klink, sir. Wilhelm Klink.
Herman Freitag: Yes. Mannheim, why don't you see if my uniforms are back from the tailor? And take Colonel Kink with you.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Klink.
Herman Freitag: Whatever you say.

"Hogan's Heroes: Hold That Tiger (#1.2)" (1965)
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Steal a German tank?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Well, how do we get ahold of it?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: How do we get it in here?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Where are we going to hide a tank?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Where do we take it apart?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Hogan is kissing Tiger goodbye out on the compound]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [Tries to cover up Hogan and Tiger] Col. Hogan! Col. Hogan! Kissing prisoners is verboten!

"Hogan's Heroes: The Experts (#6.2)" (1970)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look Metzler, why can't you understand? I'm trying to save your *life*!
Captain Karl Metzler: In return for *information*!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: They *shot* Holtz trying to escape- you're next! *You* be the judge what's *important*!

Col. Robert E. Hogan: [surprised] I thought I'd done *everything* in this war! *Now* I'm delivering *newspapers*!

"Hogan's Heroes: The Purchasing Plan (#4.22)" (1969)
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Klink! I'm warning you. Keep your costs down, put your house in order, or the next time you want caviar, you won't have to import it - you can catch your own on the Volga.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: But you'll have to eat it there. You can't take it home, sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: General, I promise you, I will bring all my skill and my intelligence to bear on this problem.
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Who knows? You may be able to solve it anyway.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: You have practically ensured the success of the "Klink Plan".
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Who calls it the "Klink Plan"?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Some of the gang back in Berlin.

"Hogan's Heroes: Reservations Are Required (#1.15)" (1965)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [to Col. Klink] Who would want to escape from all this beauty?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [savoring the irony] All this beauty!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Where are the two prisoners who tried to escape?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: If you stood any closer to them, your Iron Cross would get rusty.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, you fools. Here's my reward. Thirty days in the cooler. Take them away
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Thirty days is an cruel and human unjustified punishment, to be inflicted only by a sadist.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Flattery will gain you nothing, my dear, Colonel.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Missing Klink (#4.15)" (1969)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [reads note] My dear Colonel, clever the way you got Wagner out of that prison camp. Kindly be just as clever and get these plans out of this one. Till we meet again, Nimrod.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: The execution takes place tomorrow as scheduled.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And then Wagner's brother shoots Colonel Klink. Now come on General think of how long you've know Colonel Klink. Think of the things you two have been through together.
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: If I do, I'm liable to shoot him myself.

"Hogan's Heroes: Drums Along the Dusseldorf (#3.30)" (1968)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I've got a present for you from Carter. He's made you an honorary Chief of the Sioux tribe.
[He gives Schultz a feather headdress]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [Very excitedly] It's Bee-yoo-ti-ful!
[He puts it on and looks in a mirror]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: He's also given you a new name, Schultz. You are now Big Chief Running Bear Who Goes Swift And Sure To Beer Garden.
[Klink enters the room]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Outraged] Or, you could be Big Fat Schultz Who Goes Swift And Sure To The Russian Front!

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: He took my feather.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I'd say we scalp him but somebody beat us to it.

"Hogan's Heroes: Operation Briefcase (#2.4)" (1966)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [after the death of Hercules] This plan better work. It's already got an expensive price tag.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: This little caper of yours better come off. We lost a man to give you what you asked for.
General Stauffen: Don't worry. We are determined to destroy this fool at any cost.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I know who the fool is. Who's "we"?
General Stauffen: The greatest military minds Germany has ever produced.
[walks over to a portrait of Hitler]
General Stauffen: He dares call himself Supreme Commander. But we'll put him out of business, I promise you.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's the least you can do, considering.
General Stauffen: Considering what?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're the same bunch of guys that put him in business.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Kommandant Dies at Dawn (#5.6)" (1969)
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: It's going to snow again. The weather is getting a little nippy.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yes, good thing the mail arrived.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Why? Are you expecting any warm clothing?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: No, I use the letters to cover the holes in my underwear.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I could use a few letters myself.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah, in your case, Schultz, you'd need the New York Times. Sunday edition.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Great Impersonation (#1.21)" (1966)
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [about the Gestapo] They could send me to the Russian Front.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Or shoot you.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Or both.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [laughs] That's impossible. You can't shoot a man AND send him to the Russian Front.
[thinks for a moment]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: No, they could do it.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Meister Spy (#6.16)" (1971)
Major Martin: [in disbelief] You're an American.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Someone around here has to be.

"Hogan's Heroes: Man in a Box (#4.14)" (1968)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Maybe the Major didn't mean it when he said 'heads will roll.' I mean, how do you roll a *head*?

"Hogan's Heroes: Six Lessons from Madame LaGrange (#5.22)" (1970)
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, you should have been there. I danced every dance with her, while Major Hochstetter was sitting there with sauerbraten on his face.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, you could have asked Lily to dance with him at least once.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, you don't understand. The man can't dance.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're kidding.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Confidentially, I've never seen a Gestapo man that could. Oh, they're great goose-steppers, but nothing on the dance floor.

"Hogan's Heroes: The 43rd, a Moving Story (#1.23)" (1966)
Major Hans Kuehn: Very interesting. I must remember to mention it to my dear Uncle Karl when I write him.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Uncle Karl?
Major Hans Kuehn: Yes, uh, Field Marshal Karl Von Streicher of the General Staff. His specialty is military protocol. Have you read his book on the chain of command?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: No.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I have. Not a laugh in the book.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Gestapo Takeover (#6.6)" (1970)
Colonel Klink: [about how he got Hogan out of the cooler] I used all my intelligence and craftiness.
Hogan: Yeah,well, I got out anyway.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Crittendon Plan (#3.1)" (1967)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [discussing the Crittendon Plan] All I can say, Crittendon, is it better be good.
Colonel Crittendon: Good? It's superb. Imagine the morale boost to those young flying chaps, setting down in dear old England between a carpet of crimson geraniums.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Geraniums?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Geraniums?
Colonel Crittendon: Straight from the horror of war. Like coming home to mother's cottage. Tremendous psychological factor there, chaps.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's The Crittendon Plan?

"Hogan's Heroes: The Flame Grows Higher (#1.31)" (1966)
[last lines]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Colonel Hogan, if you ever escape...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Be a good fellow and take me with you.

"Hogan's Heroes: Rockets or Romance (#6.24)" (1971)
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: I'm going to personally fire this rocket at England.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: General Burkhalter, may I have the honor please, sir?
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Of course, Klink.
[Klink fires the rocket which goes immediately off course]
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Klink! England is that way!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I can't understand what went wrong General Burkhalter.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What's over that way?
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: My house, for one thing.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [the rocket crashes in the distance and explodes] Well, General, I've always thought it was a lousy neighborhood anyway.

"Hogan's Heroes: Klink for the Defense (#6.19)" (1971)
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: It is about his defense counsel. Colonel Hauptmann is a very lucky man.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Who's defending him?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Klink?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Klink?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Klink?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: You don't mean our Klink. I mean, the Klink here - you don't mean him.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Ja, Kommandant Klink, a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Pizza Parlor (#1.22)" (1966)
Cpl. Langenscheidt: The mess sergeant would like to know what you and your guest would like for dinner.
Major Bonacelli: [speaks Italian] Antipasto, minestrone, pasta al dente.
[Langenscheidt nods]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Langenscheidt! We will potato soup, boiled potatoes, potato pancakes, sauerkraut, and sauerbraten.
Cpl. Langenscheidt: Ja, Herr Kommandant.
[he leaves]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [to Bonacelli] Bon appetit.
[Bonacelli looks nauseated]

"Hogan's Heroes: The Big Broadcast (#6.12)" (1970)
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You, *raus!*
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, me Hogan.
[Hochstetter pulls out gun]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Me leaving.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Empty Parachute (#5.11)" (1969)
Sgt. Andrew Carter: I hate to say this, Colonel, but I don't see any way we're going to get our hands on that briefcase.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're right, the situation is hopeless, there's no solution, we're faced with an absolute impossibility.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: In that case, sir, why don't you tell us what you've thought of?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Alright, here it is.

"Hogan's Heroes: Clearance Sale at the Black Market (#4.1)" (1968)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Schultz tells about his evening] Don't just stand there, Schultz. Come on, tell us about it.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Well, she let me kiss her - affectionately, you know?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You, uh, put your arms around her?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: What do you think? I sent her the kiss by mail?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And I suppose, uh, she put her arms around you?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: You said it, big boy.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: All the way around? She must be an orangutan.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Collector General (#3.27)" (1968)
Hogan: Do I have to repeat the orders that were given to us when this happy little band of wandering minstrels was formed?
Newkirk: Sir, all I'm trying to -
Hogan: OK, I will. Quote: You'll assist escaping prisoners, cooperate with all friendly forces, and use every means to harass and injure the enemy. Unquote.

"Hogan's Heroes: Kommandant Schultz (#6.7)" (1970)
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, this is so degrading. Having to relay orders of a man like that. Honestly, I could cry.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I wouldn't do that, sir. What good is a rusty monocle?

"Hogan's Heroes: How's the Weather? (#5.15)" (1970)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [trying to persuade Col. Klink to call General Burkhalter] Why don't you give him a call, sir it means so much to him.
Colonel Klink: I will thank him the next time I see him, huh? How about "Lili Marlene"!
[everyone except Hogan continues to shout and sing]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Call the general... Call the general, sir. Nothing says you like your voice. Please!
Colonel Klink: Why do you keep looking at the time, Hogan?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: The call sir, it's after 7:00 you get the night rate. Please.

"Hogan's Heroes: Happiness Is a Warm Sergeant (#1.11)" (1965)
[Hogan has ordered Newkirk to fake a toothache]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [looks in Newkirk's mouth] Aha! Mouth stuffed with cotton wool!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [indignantly] That's to keep the tooth warm!

"Hogan's Heroes: Watch the Trains Go By (#4.19)" (1969)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [after Newkirk and Carter have been caught escaping] They weren't really trying to escape.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yeah, yeah.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: They were going into town for a very good reason.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: yeah, yeah, yeah.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: To buy something. They would have come right back.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: A birthday gift for you.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: For me?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: yeah, yeah ,yeah, yeah.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I don't believe it.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Don't let the war make you cynical, sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I was not aware that it's my birthday.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Isn't it about time you found out.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I wouldn't believe one word you said, Hogan.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Not even if I said you were the greatest military mind in the Third Reich?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: That I'd have to think over.

"Hogan's Heroes: Sergeant Schultz Meets Mata Hari (#3.4)" (1967)
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [after being made a joke] Klink, you are the Kommandant here. Do you allow this sort of thing?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The men responsible for this will be confined to barracks for two weeks.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's cruel and inhuman punishment.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Klink, a German officer has been insulted.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: All potato rations are cut in half for ten days.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's a terrible thing to do.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Do you consider this adequate punishment, Kom-man-dant?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The Ping-Pong tournament is canceled.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Now, that's the worst blow of all.

"Hogan's Heroes: Klink's Masterpiece (#6.3)" (1970)
Hogan: [about famous artists] It wasn't until after they were *dead* that they were famous.
Colonel Klink: But that would mean I would have to be dead first!
Hogan: *Uh-Huh!*

"Hogan's Heroes: Everybody Loves a Snowman (#3.14)" (1967)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Ah, Major Hochstetter, always a pleasure to see your smiling face. Uh, did you come on military business, or is this a social call?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What is it at your camp, Klink? Everybody thinks I'm a social butterfly.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Sergeant's Analyst (#5.23)" (1970)
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [after being told he does not have to transfer] You mean I do not have to go?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You heard the commandant, now back to your post.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, so you made a few stupid mistakes. You're lazy, you're fat, you sleep on duty. Still, you're a likable clod.

"Hogan's Heroes: A Klink, a Bomb and a Short Fuse (#2.8)" (1966)
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What are you waiting for? Cut the wire.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's the problem. One of these wires disconnects the fuse, the other one fires the bomb. Which one would you cut, Shultz?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Don't ask me, this is a decision for an officer.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: All right. Which wire, Colonel Klink?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: This one.
[points to the white wire]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're sure?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Cuts the black wire, the bomb stops ticking]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: If you knew which wire it was, why did you ask me?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I wasn't sure which was the right one, but I was certain you'd pick the wrong one.

"Hogan's Heroes: Hogan, Go Home (#3.19)" (1968)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Colonel Klink, you're an evil man.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, I am. And it makes me feel good all over.

"Hogan's Heroes: Happy Birthday, Dear Hogan (#4.26)" (1969)
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Now, Klink, I'm going to try and be calm about this. I want you to tell me in your own words exactly how did the radio detector truck get put out of action?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Major Hochstetter, you won't believe this.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: TRY ME!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: It was a million-to-one shot that the candles would have hit the truck.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What candles?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The candles from the birthday cake.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Birthday cake? In the middle of World War II you give yourself a birthday party?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, no. It wasn't for me.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: The party was for me, sir.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You give a birthday party for a prisoner?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh, no, no. My men gave it to me. I'm sorry you missed it, major, it was a great party. I saved you some cake.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, thank you, Hogan. Thank you.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Klink. You are succeeding in doing, by yourself, what millions of enemy soldiers are unable to do: Bring the Third Reich to its knees.
[walks towards door, gives his classical]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: BAH!
[slams door shut]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Party pooper.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Gold Rush (#1.18)" (1966)
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: [skims through a collection of maps and finds Pittsburgh] Pittsburgh? We had guys escape to Pittsburgh?
Hogan: Not "to" - "from".

"Hogan's Heroes: Reverend Kommandant Klink (#2.25)" (1967)
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [at the rehearsal of the wedding Hilda dressed as the bride] I do not recall giving permission to Fraulein Hilda to be part of this.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You can kiss the bride.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh.

"Hogan's Heroes: How to Escape from Prison Camp Without Really Trying (#3.26)" (1968)
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung!
[no response]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung!
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What did you say, Schultz?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I said 'Achtung!'
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh. Your bid, Kinch.
Kinch: Two of clubs.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: When I say 'Achtung' that means that you all are to SNAP to attention.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh, is that what it means? Huh! I always thought it meant 'Good morning' or 'Greetings, Mate.' Something like that.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: No, no. 'Achtung' is a command. When I say 'Achtung' I want you all to come to attention at once.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: I wasn't sure what that one meant myself. It always sounded like Schultz was just clearing his throat. So that's a command for attention, huh?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: That's right! Now that you all know it...
[Schultz leaves and then re-enters the room]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Achtung!
Sgt. Andrew Carter: And a 'Good morning' to you, too, Schultz.
Kinch: Didn't you hear what Schultz said?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Sure. He said 'Achtung' so I said 'Good morning' right back to him.
Kinch: Achtung doesn't mean 'Good morning.'
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, that's what Newkirk says it means. And who are we gonna believe? One of us or one of them?
Kinch: He's got a point there.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Yes he does! You'd better brush up on your German, Schultz.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yeah, don't use words you're not sure of. In future, to avoid confusion, why don't you just say 'Good Morning' in English?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hi Schultz! Just let us all know when it's time for Roll Call, will you?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Jawohl, Colonel Hogan... But it IS time for Roll Call. That's why I came here in the first place! It's almost PAST time for Roll Call!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, you'd never make sergeant in OUR Air Force.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Roll Call! Everybody out, out, out, out, out, out, out! Roll Call! Raus!
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Hey Thank you! And a 'Good day' to you, too, Schultz.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Scientist (#1.12)" (1965)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [as German general] Take this man's name, Putzi!
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [as German adjutant] Transfer to the Russian front, sir, or court-martial to be shot?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [as German general] Oh, I don't know. Mix 'em up.

"Hogan's Heroes: Art for Hogan's Sake (#2.16)" (1966)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Shultz, impersonating a Wermacht General, has run off a pair of Gestapo men attempting to search the flat of LeBeau's artist friend who will forge the replacement of the painting. While being heartily congratulated by the painter, painter's daughter, LeBeau & Hogan Hogan asks] How'd you do that?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Easy. Lucky for you, I was *loaded*.
[Schultz had been drinking wine all afternoon]

"Hogan's Heroes: That's No Lady, That's My Spy (#6.17)" (1971)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [watching the women eat at the tea party ] Guests are certainly enjoying themselves, sir. That's the third tray of hors d'oeuvres LeBeau has sent in.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Uh, the fat little lady in the red dress has been eating steadily over an hour and a half.
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: That's my wife.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Did I say red dress? I meant green dress, of course. I'm color-blind, you know.
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Klink, you meant the lady in the red dress, and she has been eating steadily for an hour and a half.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I'm sure Mrs. Burkhalter was famished when she arrived. It's a long trip to this camp, you know.
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Exactly two miles... And she ate a sandwich in the car.

"Hogan's Heroes: Unfair Exchange (#5.5)" (1969)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [telling Klink what a good catch Burkhalter's sister is to marry] Gertrude is just the kind of woman you need. She's clever, forceful, efficient, thrifty.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What about her looks?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: What's there to behold? She looks like her brother.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Safecracker Suite (#1.27)" (1966)
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [spots Alfie sitting at the table] What do think I am nuts or something? Who is that Grandpa?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Just another one of the prisoners, captured like the rest of us.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Who captured him... the Kaiser?

"Hogan's Heroes: Praise the Fuhrer and Pass the Ammunition (#2.19)" (1967)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [talking about the show for Klink] All right, now, the main thing is to keep them entertained till the job is done. We don't want our audience walking out on us.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: I will personally hold them spellbound with my repertoire of songs, dances and snappy patters.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I can hardly wait.

"Hogan's Heroes: One Army at a Time (#5.20)" (1970)
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Good riddance!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hochstetter's not such a bad guy, sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: There's one nice thing about his being here. It's so good when he leaves.

"Hogan's Heroes: The Flight of the Valkyrie (#1.5)" (1965)
[last lines]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Colonel Hogan, just tell me this. Was it really Colonel Crittenden who was responsible for yesterday?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, let's put it this way. We had to lose him - he was bad luck.

"Hogan's Heroes: Nights in Shining Armor (#3.8)" (1967)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: 'Sugar candy' is code for something special.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Maybe they'll drop us some USO girls.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Could also mean heavy equipment.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: After two years here, who cares what they look like?

"Hogan's Heroes: Will the Blue Baron Strike Again? (#4.12)" (1968)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What would you say is the one thing that made the Blue Baron the greatest fighter pilot in World War One?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Me!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I taught him everything he knew about flying. That's why I was known to my classmates as 'The Eagle'.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Because you could fly or because you were bald?

"Hogan's Heroes: Will the Real Adolf Please Stand Up? (#2.12)" (1966)
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, I am very impressed by your attitude. You're being very helpful.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Thank you sir.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: As a matter of fact, I would be even more impressed *if the whole thing were not a lie*!

"Hogan's Heroes: Diamonds in the Rough (#2.3)" (1966)
[Hogan's typical obfuscation has just saved Klink's reputation before a Gestapo investigator - who has exited]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [surprised and aghast] Hogan, you are the biggest liar I have ever met in my whole life!
[Klink exits]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Colonel Hogan, he said a terrible thing to you!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I know.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: He called you a liar!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [dismissive] He really knows how to hurt a guy.
[both smile and then light up cigars]

"Hogan's Heroes: Standing Room Only (#5.21)" (1970)
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Anybody speak German?
Captain: [speaking German] Yes, Colonel, I speak and understand German.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Wow, like a native.