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Quotes for
Mister Ed (Character)
from "Mister Ed" (1958)

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"Mister Ed: The First Meeting (#1.1)" (1961)
Wilbur Post: [after realizing for the first time that Mister Ed can talk] This is incredible. I don't understand how it's possible.
Mister Ed: Don't try - it's bigger than both of us.

Wilbur Post: Look, uh... I'm sorry but you've been talking to me all day and I still don't know your name.
Mister Ed: Call me Ed. Mister Ed.
Wilbur Post: What kind of a name is "Ed" for a horse?
Mister Ed: What kind of a name is "Wilbur" for a man?

Wilbur Post: [to himself] It's been a long time since I was a little boy.
Mister Ed: [speaking for the first time] It's been a long time since I was a pony.
Wilbur Post: Who said that? No, that's impossible. Did you say that? No, how could you?
Mister Ed: Did you say it?
Wilbur Post: No, I didn't hear it. How could I? But I did. It's impossible. I don't believe it. Now, while I'm looking right at you say something.
Mister Ed: Like what?
Wilbur Post: Anything. Anything.
Mister Ed: How now, brown cow.

Wilbur Post: Carol, I'm telling you the truth. That horse talks.
Carol Post: I wouldn't believe that horse talks even if the two of you stood over there and sung a duet!
[Carol runs out of the barn]
Wilbur Post: [to Mister Ed] Why didn't you talk to my wife?
Mister Ed: I hate skeptics!

Wilbur Post: I can't belive this. My neighbor, my wife... my own wife whom I've known for three years, thinks that I'm crazy. I tell them that I have a horse that talks and they don't belive me.
Mister Ed: Why should they? It's ridiculous!


"Mister Ed: Busy Wife (#1.3)" (1961)
Wilbur Post: Ed! Why do you insist on eavesdropping on our party line?
Mister Ed: You haven't been around for three days. I'm lonesome.
Wilbur Post: I've been busy.
Mister Ed: Doing what? Keeping house?
Wilbur Post: What's wrong with a man helping his wife around the house?
Mister Ed: Nothing. It's supposed to be a woman's job, Wilma.
Wilbur Post: Wilbur!

Mister Ed: If you were a real man, your wife would stay home nights.
Wilbur Post: Are you saying that Carol is losing interest in me?
Mister Ed: If the horseshoe fits.
Wilbur Post: Well, what am I doing wrong?
Mister Ed: Nothing. That's what's wrong.

Mister Ed: Boy, am I glad I remained a bachelor!

Mister Ed: Cut off my ear and call me Van Gogh.


"Mister Ed: Ed Goes to College (#6.13)" (1966)
Mister Ed: Wilbur, I'm attending college because I want to become a P.H.D.
Wilbur Post: P.H.D.?
Mister Ed: Palomino Horse Doctor.

Wilbur Post: Ed, I can't belive it. You really did open an animal clinic here in the barn!
Mister Ed: Shhh! I'm helping a sick chicken here.
Wilbur Post: [looks at a chicken perched atop a stool] What's wrong with it?
Mister Ed: She's expecting her first egg and she's a little nervous about it.
Wilbur Post: Ed, that's a rooster!
Mister Ed: Opps!
Wilbur Post: Didn't you learn in college about how to tell the sexes apart?
Mister Ed: Yeah, but it must have been the class I missed thanks to you.
Wilbur Post: What are you going to do now?
Mister Ed: Well, I was going to give her, or him, some relaxing pills.
Wilbur Post: Relaxing pills?
Mister Ed: Yeah, the same kind you took when your father-in-law first came to visit.

Wilbur Post: [examining a goat] What's wrong with him?
Mister Ed: Splitting headaches. He keeps butting his head against fences.
Wilbur Post: What are you going to do for him?
Mister Ed: Have him take two asprine and have him to check back on me in the morning. But be careful. Don't let him eat the whole bottle.

Wilbur Post: [examinating a cow] What's wrong with her?
Mister Ed: I hear wheezing between the filet and top sirloin. Must be some kind of breathing blockage. Have her go on a light carb diet with lots of greens.


"Mister Ed: Ed the Chauffeur (#4.22)" (1964)
[Mister Ed, wearing dark goggles, a beret and a scarf sees the rented milk truck he's about to drive]
Mister Ed: My first solo. Now I know how Lindberg felt.

[Mister Ed is driving his rented truck through heavy traffic in west Los Angeles]
Mister Ed: [humming the show's theme song] Boy, this sure beats horseback riding!

[Mister Ed drives his truck and sees a sign for One Way]
Mister Ed: One way street? Oh, well that's okay. I'm only going one way!


"Mister Ed: Ed the Desert Rat (#4.17)" (1964)
[Mister Ed is totting through the arid desert of Death Valley]
Mister Ed: [painting] Whew! This is the hottest prairie I've ever seen. Wish I could get into the shade. But the only shade is under me!

[Mister Ed looks up and sees shrieking vultures circling him]
Mister Ed: Oh, shut up! They'll be no free lunches on Ed! I'd better keep moving, show them I'm still alive.
[Mister Ed continues walking through the desert and after a minute he looks up and sees the vultures gone from sight]
Mister Ed: There, that got rid of them. Or, did they go home to bring back ketchup?

[Mister Ed looks up and sees a park ranger helicopter hovering above him]
Mister Ed: Gee, look at the size of that vulture. He's got two men in him and he's still hungry!


"Mister Ed: Ed the Pilot (#5.6)" (1965)
[Mister Ed is on a military runaway wearing oversized goggles, a flight helmet, and a parachute]
Mister Ed: My first solo. My four legs are shaking like they were the two Wright brothers.

Mister Ed: [in an airborne cargo plane] Geez, it's been 45 minutes and I'm still over the airport. I wonder if I'm supposed to pull up an anchor or something.
[Mister Ed flips some switches with his nose and then pushes the wheel of the plane forward which immediately goes into a nose-dive towards the ground]
Mister Ed: Uh-oh. I got a feeling I shouldn't have done that. Hey... look out. Look out down there! I'd swap this thing for a boat right now! I'll never make South America this way. China maybe.

[Mister Ed flies his plane over the airport and over a residential neighborhood]
Mister Ed: Hey, look out down there. Crazy horse flying. Run for your lives! Women and children first! Unfasen your seat belts! No smoking! Keep off the grass... wait, what am I talking about?


"Mister Ed: Don't Laugh at Horses (#4.6)" (1963)
Mister Ed: It's a strike all right, Wilbur. I'm pulling out every horse from under you.
Wilbur Post: Just because I'm wearing a horse outfit to a costume party?
Mister Ed: You make fun of horses, and all you'll be riding is a pogo stick.
Wilbur Post: Ed, if you don't call off this ridiculous strike, I'll trade you in for a rocking chair!
Mister Ed: [scoffs] You're going to look real silly trying to ride that on a bridle path.

Wilbur Post: You insist on continuing this strike?
Mister Ed: You insist on wearing that horse outfit?
Wilbur Post: Yes!
[after a long pause]
Mister Ed: I am willing to submit this to the labor relations board.
Wilbur Post: Well, I am not. And there's only one way to handle a disobedient horse like you. I'm sending you to an animal training school!
Mister Ed: Fine! Do with me what you want, Wilbur. Just remember this. If I fall, there will be another horse to pick up the torch and carry on the fight for the preservation of horsely dignity. I thank you.


"Mister Ed: What Kind of Foal Am I? (#5.8)" (1965)
Wilbur Post: Ed, I want you to consider me your two-legged father.
Mister Ed: That would not work. Every day when I was little, I would always walk around singing "What Kind of Foal Am I?"

Wilbur Post: Ed, if you're so obsessed with looking for your biological father, why not go visit your mother? Find out what happened to your father.
Mister Ed: No! You think I haven't done that before? Every time I bring up the subject, Mom starts balling her eyes out. Crying and unable to stop.
Wilbur Post: Your father walked out on her?
Mister Ed: I guess. All I know is that she got custody of me.
Wilbur Post: Yes, but when your mother was sold, I got custody of you, which makes me your father.
Mister Ed: No, no, no! I want my true, four-legged father!


"Mister Ed: Doctor Ed (#3.25)" (1963)
[in Mister Ed's dream, he is dressed as a mad doctor and Wilbur, dressed in scrubs, is his assistant as they look over an x-ray]
Wilbur Post: What do you think of Mr. Addison's condition, doctor?
Mister Ed: It looks like an acute hematosis of the left phibosis.
Wilbur Post: What do you think caused it?
Mister Ed: His condenser blew out.
Wilbur Post: What time should we operate? Would eight o'clock tonight be all right, doctor?
Mister Ed: No, I don't want to compete against my favorite show, Perry Mason.
Wilbur Post: How about tomorrow morning at 7:30?
Mister Ed: No, impossible. My makeup man doesn't get here until 8:00.
Wilbur Post: When do you want to operate?
Mister Ed: Never.
Wilbur Post: But Doctor Ed, you are the finest brain surgeon in the whole world.
Mister Ed: But to him, I'm just a fat old clown.

[in Mister Ed's dream, he and Wilbur are in a hospital recovery room]
Mister Ed: I don't remember operating on this patient.
Wilbur Post: You didn't, doctor. I did.
Mister Ed: You?
Wilbur Post: I couldn't sleep last night, so I got up and took out Mr. Hogskins frontal aboda.
Mister Ed: Wait, the chart says that this patient is Mr. Femwick. He came here to have his tonciles removed.
Wilbur Post: So, THAT'S what he was trying to tell me!
Mister Ed: Why didn't you listen to him?
Wilbur Post: He couldn't talk and... well... I though he was just being chicken.


"Mister Ed: Sorority House (#1.6)" (1961)
[Mister Ed, alone in his stall, picks up Wilbur's ringing office phone]
Mister Ed: Hello?
Kay Addison: [voice] Hello? I'd like to make a reservation. Is this Trans Continental Airlines?
Mister Ed: No, lady. This is the Pony Express!
[hangs up]

Wilbur Post: You're some horse. You'll talk to people over the phone. You'll talk to people from behind closed doors, from behind walls, bushes. But why is it that you will not talk in front of anyone but me?
Mister Ed: How should I know? As your wife and neighbors say, I'm just a dumb animal.
Wilbur Post: Of all the millions of horses in this world, I end up with the one that talks.


"Mister Ed: The Ventriloquist (#1.2)" (1961)
[Mister Ed is snickering]
Wilbur Post: What's so funny?
Mister Ed: I heard about your little ketchup caper this afternoon.
Wilbur Post: Where did you hear that?
Mister Ed: I just happened to stroll by Addison's window and he was telling his wife all about it.
Wilbur Post: What did he say about me?
Mister Ed: Sorry, Wilbur. I may talk, but I really don't like using that kind of language.


"Mister Ed: Ed's Juice Stand (#5.10)" (1965)
Mister Ed: Maybe I won't be here when he gets back. If I have nothin' to look forward to, I might as well look forward to it somewhere else.


"Mister Ed: Wilbur and Ed in Show Biz (#3.3)" (1962)
Mister Ed: You know I only talk to you, Wilbur.


"Mister Ed: Robin Hood Ed (#5.23)" (1965)
Wilbur Post: [referring to Robin Hood] He used to steal from the rich, and you know why?
Mister Ed: Because the poor didn't have any money.


"Mister Ed: Moko (#4.26)" (1964)
[last lines]
Wilbur Post: Ed, what do you supposed made us do all that?
Mister Ed: I don't know, Wilbur. There are a lot of things in this world that can't be explained.
Wilbur Post: Well, what do you do about it?
Mister Ed: Nothing. Just enjoy it.
[cut to the surface of Mars with a hung-over Moko having an ice bag on his head, under the watchful eyes of Tatti]
Moko: I know I did!


"Mister Ed: Ed the Lover (#1.10)" (1961)
Wilbur Post: [placing telephone away from Ed] You phoned the feed store, again, didn't you, Ed? I thought I told you that I was the one to give the orders around here. Ya know, that's the fourth load of hay we've had delivered this week.
Mister Ed: [talking while chewing mouthful of hay] Well, I'm hungry.
Wilbur Post: How come other horses don't eat as much as you do?
Mister Ed: 'Cause they can't phone the feed store.


"Mister Ed: Ed Writes Dear Abby (#5.3)" (1964)
Mister Ed: Wilbur, why don't we write a letter to Dear Abby? She could give us advice on what I should do.
Wilbur Post: Okay, we'll write Dear Abby. How's this? "Dear Abby, my horse told me that he wants to leave home and have his own swinging bachelor apartment. Do you think he's right? Signed, Butterfly Net." Because that's exactly what they'll throw over me.
Mister Ed: You don't have to say your horse told you. Tell her it was your cat.


"Mister Ed: Ol' Swayback (#4.20)" (1964)
Wilbur Post: Ed, I've come to a decision. Having Sam living with us is causing nothing but trouble. I'm sorry, but I think it's about time you should ask Sam to leave.
Mister Ed: You're too late. Sam's already gone. He just left to go back to the carnival.
Wilbur Post: Why.
Mister Ed: He said that he would rather be laughed at and made fun of then scared to death.
Wilbur Post: Scared? What would scare him?
Mister Ed: You, puching air matresses over him. Me, commanding model airplanes to buzz around and over his head. This whole neighborhood with the cars and traffic. He felt that the carnival is his home.
Wilbur Post: Well... good. At least he feels better living there then here.
Mister Ed: He didn't say "better". He said it was "safer".


"Mister Ed: Spies Strike Back (#6.4)" (1965)
Mister Ed: My mother didn't raise her horse to be a jackass.


"Mister Ed: Horse Party (#3.8)" (1962)
Mister Ed: [about the fact that Ed has caused Wilbur a lot of trouble for a sneaky trick he played on his wife and neighbors, so he could have his birthday party] Don't be sore at me, Wilbur. I'm only a nine year old kid.
Wilbur Post: Well, nine years old in a horse is equal to sixty in a human being.
Mister Ed: Then stop yelling at an old man.


"Mister Ed: Cherokee Ed (#6.12)" (1966)
Wilbur Post: Aren't you excited about carrying a descendent of General Custer's parrot?
Mister Ed: No. Indian horse never carry green chicken that talk like men.
Wilbur Post: Indian horse? Are you kidding?
Mister Ed: Nope. Me Cherokee Ed. My Momma done told me.
Wilbur Post: How can you be an Indian? You're a blonde.
Mister Ed: Under blonde skin - me redskin.


"Mister Ed: The Heavy Rider (#5.5)" (1964)
Wilbur Post: Ed, I haven't got time to play games. Mr. Banning wants to go for a ride.
Mister Ed: Tell him to throw a saddle over a taxi.
Wilbur Post: He is not that heavy.
Mister Ed: Oh, no? He's got fat in places where you're not even supposed to have places.
Wilbur Post: Ed, you're exaggerating.
Mister Ed: Oh, yeah? If you put us both on a seesaw, my feet would never touch the ground.


"Mister Ed: Hi-Fi Horse (#5.1)" (1964)
Mister Ed: Wilbur, is it true? Did Carol really leave you?
Wilbur Post: Yep. She left this morning to go home to her father just because of the stereo I bought.
Mister Ed: If it makes you feel any better, I learned how to sew.
Wilbur Post: Thanks Ed, but you could never take Carol's place.
Mister Ed: Why not? I'm more loveable.
Wilbur Post: Ed, a wife is a wife and a horse is a horse.
Mister Ed: Well, have you ever heard of someone say "my kingdom for a wife"?
Wilbur Post: The Duke of Windsor.


"Mister Ed: Coldfinger (#6.3)" (1965)
Wilbur Post: You're wasting time. You can't tell anything by sniffing that glove.
Mister Ed: Oh, no? Look at my face, Wilbur. It's all nose.