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Real Estate Agent
: [Car pulls up in front of a bright, pleasant, sunny house
] May I ask why the sudden move? Marilyn Munster
: No. Real Estate Agent
: [Agent and Marilyn get out of car
] All right. Well, this, it's an emotional property, ideal for any multi-generational family. Marilyn Munster
: We're not just any family. Real Estate Agent
: Well, the sun shines more on this house than any other house in the neighborhood. Marilyn Munster
: Not a feature we're looking for.
[Turns and looks across the street at a dark, shadowed, rambling mansion
] Marilyn Munster
: What about that one? Real Estate Agent
: It's a very emotional property for entirely different reasons. The former owner was a notorious serial killer who poisoned hoboes. Marilyn Munster
: I'll take it. Real Estate Agent
: It's not for sale. They're tearing it down. Marilyn Munster
: But they haven't yet. Real Estate Agent
: That's a horrible place. Horrible things happened there. They found dozens of graves in the backyard. Marilyn Munster
: Mm-hmmm. Real Estate Agent
: Well, maybe you could buy the lot once the grounds have been cleansed. Marilyn Munster
: My aunt and uncle prefer pre-cleansed. Real Estate Agent
: Miss, there may be dead homeless people in the walls. Marilyn Munster
: Then they found a home after all.
[Smiles at house, then look over shoulder at agent
: I preferred it when the village was further away and we had a moat. Marilyn Munster
: The best moats are made of good manners and filled with congeniality. Grandpa
: Then I shall make cookies. Marilyn Munster
: I'm touched that you'd miss me. Grandpa
: Marilyn, I adore you. I was the one that talked your mother out of eating you.
: There is an important intermediate step that we are missing here. The deer eats the grass and is itself eaten, and then the thing that ate it dies and fertilizes the ground so more grass can grow, so more deer can eat, and then... be eaten. Marilyn Munster
: But some deer can live long lives. Grandpa
: Nope. Marilyn Munster
: Also, as an intermediary step, sometimes deer want to be eaten. They're depressed and lonely, so that lion's doing the deer a favor. Eddie Munster
: That deer didn't look depressed. Marilyn Munster
: No, I know. I thought I saw it smile. Eddie Munster
: Does anything eat the lion? Marilyn Munster
: Grandpa. Grandpa
: It's nature.
: Edward, stop playing with your food. Eddie Munster
: I will if you will. Grandpa
: That is a gross cliche, and it is beneath you. Eddie Munster
: [to Steve
] My grandpa's gonna eat you. Marilyn Munster
: Is that happening tonight? Hmm?
: What will the neighbors think? Grandpa
: The neighbors should be more concerned with what I'm thinking.
: My, you're in a good mood this morning. Grandpa
: Marilyn, what would you say if I told you I was going to cast my line into the sea of matrimony and catch a new grandmother for you?
: I can't quite put my finger on it, but somehow that woman seems strange. Lily Munster
: Doesn't everybody? You'll learn to live with it dear, I have.
The First Policeman
: [referring to Mrs. Gardner
] I hate to tell you this, miss. But, she thinks that you've got a monster in that house. Marilyn Munster
: A monster? Oh, that's ridiculous. There's nobody in here but my family. The First Policeman
: That's what we figured. She's just trying to build up an insanity plea to make it easier for herself.
: The policemen say that... that Lydia was trying to kill me? Marilyn Munster
: I'm sorry, Grandpa, but she was the notorious Black Widow Herman Munster
: You see? I told ya, you can't be too careful. When you think of some of the people running around loose in the world today... it's frightening!
: [to Aunt Lily
] It sure is a shame you had to go through five different interviewers today down at the employment agency. At least they finally gave you a job.
: If they both find out that they're working there, it will spoil it for both of them. Marilyn Munster
: Well, we'll just make a promise not to tell either of them. Grandpa
: Okay, good, and we'll swear it in blood
[raises her arm to take a bite
] Marilyn Munster
: Oh, uh uh, we'll just shake hands. Grandpa
: I'm shaking hands, but I'm thinking blood.
: Isn't that neat? Grandpa
: Isn't that touching? Marilyn Munster
: Isn't that romantic? The Raven
: Isn't that sickening?
: My aunt and uncle are out right now, and grandfather is up in the attic. Pops Murdock
: Oh, eh, working? Marilyn Munster
: Oh no, he just likes to hang around up there.
: In all the years that we've lived here, I can't recall more than 8 or 9 people ever getting past the front door.
: How could a grown man go out for a harmless little swim and wind up being captured by the Russians as a spy? Grandpa
: I'll admit it's difficult, but in all the world, only my son is law has the talent to do anything that stupid.
: Is the hamper all packed, Aunt Lily? Lily Munster
: Yes, yes, oh, I've even brought a jar of ants. Grandpa
: Good idea. Lily Munster
: Yes, it would be just our luck to get there and have none of the little dears show up and spoil our picnic.
: Uncle Cavanaugh? I didn't know there were any English Munsters. Grandpa Munster
: Marilyn dear, no matter where you go in the world, you can always dig up one of our relatives.
: [trying to get out of a Ferrari GT Spider without revealing too much leg
] A girl has trouble getting out of these things... Roger
: Yes, I think the Italians designed them that way.
: He didn't even mention the L.E.T.T.E.R. Marilyn Munster
: You're absolutely R.I.G.H.T Lily Munster
: I'd better not find out he's becoming a P.H.I.L.A.N.... A.N.... Eddie Munster
: I don't know what you guys are talking about, but 'philanderer' is spelled P.H.I.L.A.N.D.E.R.E.R.
: Are you really going over to Clyde's? Lily Munster
: I certainly am. I think that Herman is meeting his female penpal at Clyde's apartment. Marilyn Munster
: What if you find out it's true? Lily Munster
: What will I do? I will take Herman apart so that even Dr. Frankenstein couldn't put him back together again.
: Why all the formality, Aunt Lily? It almost seems like the reading of a will... Lily Munster
: I'm afraid it's not that happy an occasion.
: With all these problems, I've been neglecting my house to house calls. Marilyn Munster
: Well, Bundles for Transylvania is a worthy cause. Why back in the old country, they should get down on all fours and thank you for what you've done.
: What is Ramon like? Lily Munster
: Well, he looks a little bit like Cary Grant. Poor man.
: Well maybe Grandpa could help us out. He's very well off. Lily Munster
: He was, he was. You know the expression, "You can't take it with you? Well Grandpa did.
[Lily walks to the doorway then turns around
] Lily Munster
: The only trouble was -- he forgot to bring it back.
: It certainly was nice of Uncle Herman to get us this private Box. Lily Munster
: Well, we Munsters always feel more at home in a box.
: Uncle Herman is certainly showing the spectators what he's made of. Lily Munster
: Yes, and I hope we can replace the parts!
: Grandpa, there's more than one kind of magic.
: Morning, Aunt Lily. Lily Munster
: Good morning, dear. Marilyn Munster
: I'm late. I gotta run. I'll grab a cup of coffee at the school cafeteria. Lily Munster
: Very well, dear. Try not to get home before dark.
: I think I'll break the news to your uncle Herman gently. His birthday's coming up week and, eh, you know how he feels about strange people in the house. Marilyn Munster
: Yes, you'd better tell him while he's in a good mood. We wouldn't want him to go all to pieces. Lily Munster
: No, I know. It's such a nuisance putting him back together again.
: Uncle Herman's not around, is he? Lily Munster
: No, he took Spotty down to the carwash for his weekly bath.
: Eddie, I am very upset with you this morning. I told to keep Spot's water dish filled out in the yard. Last night he got thirsty, he went down the street, and drained Mr. and Mrs. Haslett's pool. Eddie Munster
: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. Lily Munster
: Well Mrs. Haslett just phoned. She was very embarrassed when her husband went out for his morning dip, and dove into an empty pool. Marilyn Munster
: What kind of a neigborhood is this, where people begrudge a poor dumb animal a drink of water?
: [noticing the title of the book Herman is carrying
] The Method Actor? Herman Munster
: One must dig deep to come up with the perfect character. Grandpa
: You're telling me! That's how I found my first ten wives!
: Oh Marilyn! Oh my! Those circles under you're eyes! How lovely you look today. Marilyn Munster
: Well, I wish I felt as well as a look. I just haven't been able to sleep for the last two nights. Grandpa
: Have you tried hanging from the rafters with your head down, like I do? Marilyn Munster
: I'd like to, Grandpa, but I just don't seem to have the toes for it.
: I'm just dead on my feet. Lily Munster
: Isn't everyone?
: [opening a birthday present
] What an unusual wallet! Grandpa
: That's imported tarantula skin!
: Grandpa? Grandpa
: Yes pal? Eddie Munster
: In 1623, after Duke Ferdinand Fregosi put a curse on it, what did he do with the ring? Grandpa
: Threw it out the window. Eddie Munster
: And you found it? Grandpa
: It changed hands until 1888 and then I won it from Jack the Ripper in a poker game. Marilyn Munster
: Well, did you know it had a curse on it? Grandpa
: No, not until I tried to sell it in Transylvania. Nobody would even give me a grubnitz for it!
: [Grandpa is sowing a skirt for Marilyn
] Oh, these remnants that Herman brings home from the lining room at the parlour make lovely pleated skirts. Marilyn Munster
: And Grandpa, you're so good at sowing things together. Lily Munster
: Well, with Herman in the family, you develop a knack for it.
: There goes a fine husband. Marilyn Munster
: There goes a fine father. Grandpa
: There goes a nut if I've ever seen one.
: What'll we do? We'll do what men have done for centuries: we'll stand firm and defend out homes. We'll man the battlements, flood the moat and pull in the drawbridge. Marilyn Munster
: But Grandpa, we don't have any battlements, or any moat. Grandpa Munster
: Marilyn, will ya please. Don't be so technical! I haven't had so much fun since I started the French revolution.
: Grandpa, I wonder how Herman's making out with Eddie. He's upstairs now, trying to calm him down. Marilyn Munster
: Well I had no idea he'd be so upset about moving and leaving his friends. Grandpa Munster
: I know how it is. In the old country I was always getting attached to my friends and neighbors. Especially at night.
: Marilyn, I ask you, am I too fat? Marilyn Munster
: Well... Herman Munster
: Never mind! Grandpa
: What are you yelling at Marilyn for, I mean don't you know that fat men are supposed to be jolly?
: Well, it was very nice of Mrs. Farber not to send for the police after the way Herman acted. Marilyn Munster
: Mrs. Farber was very understanding. As a matter of fact, she said whenever her husband goes on a diet, he acts hardly human. Becomes a regular fiend.
: [about Uncle Herman's amnesia
] Maybe he can get another hit on the head? That cures amnesia in the movies. Grandpa
: Say, that's a good idea. I'll go down and get a sledgehammer.
: Oh, what do you have in the jar, Eddie? Eddie Munster
: It's my science project for school. It's a Black Widow spider. Lily Munster
: Oh, that could be dangerous. You be real careful when you take the spider out of the jar, Eddie, so that nobody hurts it.
: [on the phone
] Aunt Lily's not here. She's gone to the dentist to have her teeth filed.
: Oh, Uncle Herman, you're all heart. Herman Munster
: Oh, no I'm not, er, there's lots of other junk in here.
: [about Herman and Grandpa
] I have to take them in... to, eh jail. Marilyn Munster
: And let them get brutalized? Glen
: Nobody's gonna brutalize them.
: Eddie, have seen your father and grandpa? Eddie Munster
: Oh, they're down in the dungeon, working on something. It must be real neat, because when I knocked on the dungeon door, they told me to get lost! Do you suppose they're trying to figure out some way to keep mom from working? Marilyn Munster
] Eddie, where did you hear about that? Some people have awfully large ears! Eddie Munster
: Neat, isn't it?
: [Herman is forcing the family to take a trip to Buffalo Valley instead of the beach
] I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to make it, Uncle Herman, I have tests at school. And besides, everyone knows that Buffalo Valley is definitely no place to meet boys. Lily Munster
: Well, perhaps your dear uncle is hoping you might meet some rich, handsome buffalo.
: Oh dear, I just feel as though it's all my fault. Grandpa
: Now Marilyn, don't blame yourself. Your uncle Herman is a born loser. Lily Munster
: Grandpa, you know that Herman is a kind, trusting soul, with a great faith in his fellow human being. Grandpa
: You know a better way to be a loser?
: This lump of clay is Marylin's new project for art class. She has to sculpt something out of it. Marilyn Munster
: Oh, maybe I could do a bust of a classical greek. Like Apollo, or Achilles, or... Grandpa
: Seymour. Lily Munster
: Who's Seymour? Grandpa
: Who's Seymour? Seymour Akkalacsis, he was a famous greek taxidermist back in Transylvania. He used to stuff all the guys mother in laws for free room and board.
: Now, what's a beautiful girl like you doing calling for help? Marilyn Munster
: Well, this is the first time in ages that they went out, and I didn't know what else to do. Ted Bradley
: Just as I thought. When will they get back? Ted Bradley
: In a minute, but you don't understand... Ted Bradley
: Please, spare me the painful details, we haven't a moment to waste!
: I have a business propostion for Mr. Munster, and I wonder if, eh, I could talk to you alone? Herman Munster
: Eh, eh, certainly. Would you excuse us? Lily Munster
: Of course, dear. Grandpa
: In case you need me, Herman, just give me a howl. Marilyn Munster
: [Lily, Marilyn and Grandpa move off
] I wonder what the business propostion is, Aunt Lily. Lily Munster
: I don't know, but the last time a man talked to Herman alone, he wound up buying a second hand Edsel!
: Where is the, eh, poor innocent victim? Marilyn Munster
: Uncle Herman came home a couple of minutes ago. took one look at that telegram, the green completely drained out of his face, he ran up to his room and hid in the closet.
: When Herman and Lilly think their little boy is sick, they'll be so worried, it will bring them back together. Marilyn Munster
: Grandpa, you're a psychologist! Grandpa
: No I'm not, it's a trick I learned from watching old Shirley Temple movies.
: I don't know why uncle Herman wants to get become mixed up in racing. Lily Munster
: You know Herman, he always has to be a hero to his son. Marilyn Munster
: But I didn't know he knew anything about automobiles. He's really full of surprises. Lily Munster
: Full of surprises? You should have seen his X-rays after his last physical. They're some things in there that the doctor's couldn't figure out at all.
: Oh Eddie, we should have left you at home in bed. Eddie Munster
: What for? You know I can't go to sleep till it's light out.
: Well I'm surpised that he never learned to dance when he was younger. Lily Munster
: Well, when other young men were going to parties and dances, I'm afraid he was always tied up at the laboratory.
] Turn up the rectifier to 9.000 volts! Marilyn Munster
: Rectifier to 9.000. Grandpa
: Eh, good. Now, now switch the oscillator from negative to positive! Marilyn Munster
: Switch the oscillator... Grandpa? Grandpa
: Yes? Marilyn Munster
: I don't mean to seem nosey, but what's the purpose of this machine?
: What's the matter? Alan Benson
: There's something coming up out of the floor and it's got fangs! Marilyn Munster
: Oh, that's just my little cousin Eddie.
: Marilyn, are you sure you won't be frightened staying here alone? Marilyn Munster
: Oh of course not, Aunt Lily, how could I be frightened staying in a friendly old house like this?
: If there's anything I can do for you, please call me. Chester Skinner
: Thank you very much. Oh, is there a phone in there? Marilyn Munster
: Oh yes, we put one in when we decided to rent the room. That will save you from running down to the coffin in the hall.
: Oh Marylin, this is Mr. Moose Mallory and his father. Marilyn Munster
: How do you do? Moose Mallory
: I'm mighty glad to meet you, Ma'm. I declare, you're prettier than a bucket full 'o hoglivers. Marilyn Munster
] Oh, thank you very much.
: [Taking Marylin's temperature
] Oh! She has a fever: Ninety eight point six. Marilyn Munster
: But, but isn't that normal, Aunt Lilly? Lily Munster
: Oh heavens, no. We Munsters average in the low fifties.
: Oh, Uncle Herman, you're the greatest father image since Lorne Greene.