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Quotes for
Stuart Markowitz (Character)
from "L.A. Law" (1986)

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"L.A. Law: Bound for Glory (#4.16)" (1990)
[Ann, Stuart and Douglas having a coffee break before heading to court, Ann is speaking with Douglas and Stuart]
Ann Kelsey: Did you see that? She's taking over. I told you, Stuart. I told you.
[Stuart sighed]
Stuart Markowitz: She just backed you up on your case, Ann. That's a good thing.
Ann Kelsey: That wasn't backing me up, Stuart. That was a calculated manipulation.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: She bossed me up. Did you hear the way she bossed me?
Stuart Markowitz: She wasn't bossing you, Douglas.
Ann Kelsey: Support, support, support. That's all she ever gets from you.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: ''Move along''. Very bossy.
Stuart Markowitz: She beat me in the election. I'm the one who's being sensitive here.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I think we should organize a little private meeting, see how everyone feels.
Ann Kelsey: Why don't we just take another vote?
Stuart Markowitz: It got to be done by executive committee. Article 3, Section 7.
Ann Kelsey: Support, support, support.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Not support, Ann. A rule.
Leland McKenzie: Excuse me. What's going on?
Stuart Markowitz: Uh, nothing. We're just talking.
Leland McKenzie: Benny has a little problem, Stuart. Could you help him out?
Stuart Markowitz: Sure.
Leland McKenzie: Let's be grownups.
[while Ann is preparing to head to court, Douglas will be heading back to his office, and Stuart will take care of that while helping the Law Messenger Benny]

Benny Stulwicz: The refrigerator guy came by...
Stuart Markowitz: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, whoa. Slow down. Come on in. Tell me about it.
Benny Stulwicz: It started because I want a new refrigerator on a counter I'm getting married, and the one I have it doesn't get cold on the bottom part.
Stuart Markowitz: Uh-huh.
Benny Stulwicz: And the guy who came to fix it, says he can't fix it now. And he said it be cheaper to get a new one. So that's what I'm want to do. Because If I'm gonna married, I want to have a good refrigerator.
Stuart Markowitz: I agree with that.
Benny Stulwicz: But I don't have enough money in my emergency savings. I used it for Alice's ring. So I decided to sell my baseball card collection for money. So Jerry, he came and looked at my cards, and he said he wanted them.
Stuart Markowitz: Who's Jerry?
Benny Stulwicz: Uh, he likes my cards. Only I can't give him all my cards because I promised Frank Malzone to Ed.
Stuart Markowitz: Who's that?
Benny Stulwicz: Third base, Red Sox.
Stuart Markowitz: No, that's uh, that's Frank Malzone. And who's Ed?
Benny Stulwicz: He's my friend who likes my cards, except he doesn't want all of them. He just want some.
Stuart Markowitz: Mm-hmm.
Benny Stulwicz: And so I told Jerry that I couldn't give him Frank Malzone and some of the others, and he got real mad, and he send me this.
Stuart Markowitz: It's a summons.
Benny Stulwicz: What's that mean?
Stuart Markowitz: It means he's suing you, Benny. Your friend Jerry's gonna taking you to court.
Benny Stulwicz: Oh, God.
Stuart Markowitz: No. Don't worry. I'll look into it. Okay? Don't worry.
Benny Stulwicz: I just wanted a new refrigerator because of the bottom part.
Stuart Markowitz: It doesn't get cold. I know.

Stuart Markowitz: Look, uh, he's willing to sell them to you, Mr. Svetka. He just wants to hold back a few back for Ed.
Jerry Svetka: He's looking to hold back Heinie Manush, he's looking to hold back Gus Bell, he's looking to hold back a '62 Warren Spahn in near mint condition.
Benny Stulwicz: I never said I'd sell them to you, Jerry.
Jerry Svetka: Whether express or implied, binding representations were made which I placed reliance upon thereto.
Stuart Markowitz: Are you an attorney?
Jerry Svetka: Freelance Paralegal.
Stuart Markowitz: Aha.
Jerry Svetka: Well, you think that's gonna make it easy for you?
Stuart Markowitz: Look, what are we talking about here, a couple hundred bucks?
Jerry Svetka: Try 13,000, and it's an appreciating asset. He's got an important collection, Mr. Markowitz, I'm not about to watch it slip away. You'll see by the affidavits annexed hereto, but all parties have been served, a TRO's been issued, freezing any subsequent transfers and depositions have been scheduled.
Stuart Markowitz: You got to be kidding.
Jerry Svetka: I know my way around litigation, Mr. Markowitz. Maybe even better than your average tax attorney.
Stuart Markowitz: Look, if you want to go to court, we'll go to court.
Benny Stulwicz: Stuart!
Jerry Svetka: Benny, I want those cards placed in escrow. Excuse me.
Benny Stulwicz: Stuart, I don't want to go to court. You said we wouldn't have to.
Stuart Markowitz: It's going to be fine, Benny. Don't worry. It's just going to be fine.

[the first day of a new incoming Senior Partner as the first woman to be in charge in the law offices meeting is Rosalind Shays since she was elected last week]
Stuart Markowitz: Ann.
Rosalind Shays: Douglas, I think everybody's here. Why don't you get started?
[And every people seated. Douglas bring his coffee and opened his time on his pocket watch, beginning the meeting of today in the morning]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Okay. People vs. Lassen.
Abby Perkins: Joel Lassen's been busted for possession again. Arraignments tomorrow.
Rosalind Shays: Why are we in this?
Arnie Becker: Because he's Abe Lassen's son.
Rosalind Shays: Say no more.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Breecher vs Wynn.
Jonathan Rollins: That's mine. Our client packages county fairs. The main event of one of them is a frog-jumping contest. There was prize money involved, and one enterprising entrant, got himself something called an African Goliath frog.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: An African Goliath frog.
Jonathan Rollins: Yeah. It was ruled ineligible hence the suit.
Rosalind Shays: I understand that there's appeal in things novel and strange. I also understand that as an attorneys, we need to amuse ourselves. But quite frankly, what I can't countenance are the sort of indulgences that hurt us.
Victor Sifuentes: How does this hurt us?
Rosalind Shays: It costs us. It makes us look foolish. What I'm saying, Jonathan, is that I think you're to have to be more selective of the kinds of cases he take on.
Leland McKenzie: Actually, he didn't take on the case, Rosalind. I did.

Paul Zweibel: Now you only want seven cards in total.
Jerry Svetka: The collection's meaningless to me without those cards.
Stuart Markowitz: Hold on. Now which seven do you want?
Paul Zweibel: Don't talk to my client here.
Stuart Markowitz: I'm asking him a simple question.
Ed: You told me I can have them, Benny.
Jerry Svetka: There was an offer. And an acceptance, a valid contract.
Stuart Markowitz: Now wait a minute. Backup. Now first of all, let me just say as delicately as possible, but, uh, that there are certain questions as to Benny's capacity to enter into an forcefully...
Ed: He's trying to squirm out of it.
Stuart Markowitz: I don't appreciate that.
Paul Zweibel: You don't talk to my client.
Jerry Svetka: I'm go for punies.
Benny Stulwicz: Leave me alone, Jerry.
Stuart Markowitz: ...Mr. Svetka.
Ed: When you needed Elroy Face, I got you Elroy Face.
Stuart Markowitz: Let's...
Benny Stulwicz: I gave you Willie Mays.
Paul Zweibel: [Continues arguing] Don't talk to him.
Jerry Svetka: You're honoring a contract!
Benny Stulwicz: You ought to me first.
Stuart Markowitz: Hold it, guys. We're talking about baseball cards.

Paul Zweibel: We're talking about promises my client relied upon to his daft-format. Now he could have made other acquisition.
Stuart Markowitz: I don't believe this.
Jerry Svetka: The trouble with your lawyer, Benny, is that he doesn't grasp nuance.
Benny Stulwicz: I never said I'd sell them to you, Jerry.
Jerry Svetka: You ever hold a '51 Mickey Mantle with four sharp corners and original gloss?
Stuart Markowitz: You're nuts. These things come five to a pack with a stick of guts.
Ed: That's one of the seven card.
[Ed ripping Benny's baseball card]
Stuart Markowitz: Give me...
Paul Zweibel: That was a '54 Wally Moon.
Benny Stulwicz: You ripped my card.
Stuart Markowitz: He ripped it. Not me. You saw it.
Jerry Svetka: I'm adding on a claim against you. That was gross negligence. On amending.
Stuart Markowitz: I'll pin your ears back, you little squid.
Benny Stulwicz: I'm leaving.
Ed: The big guy's upset.
Jerry Svetka: This isn't over, Benny.
Benny Stulwicz: You said you'd fix things.
[Benny takes his baseball cards collections, exiting the conference meeting room and leave. Stuart looking scared]

Benny Stulwicz: No, you, you have doubles of Luis Aparicio.
Jerry Svetka: His rookie of the year card?
Benny Stulwicz: Uh-huh.
Ed: Okay. I'll give you that. You give me Johnny Podres and Gil Hodges.
Stuart Markowitz: What's, uh, what's going on?
Benny Stulwicz: We're having a meeting.
Stuart Markowitz: Benny, I think I should be involved , especially it affects...
Benny Stulwicz: No lawyers. I can fix this myself.
Stuart Markowitz: Benny, we're talking about a considerable sale shares.
Jerry Svetka: Here's the check. Put it in the escrow pending the completion of the transaction.
Stuart Markowitz: It's for the full amount.
Jerry Svetka: Hey, you're dealing with card collectors here. We're an honest group.
Benny Stulwicz: Y-You have all the Dodgers pitchers.
Ed: I still need Ralph Branca.
Benny Stulwicz: Oh. You give him Ralph Branca. And you give Pee Wee Reese.
Ed: Pee Wee Reese?
Benny Stulwicz: It's a good trade.
Jerry Svetka: Wait a minute. There's a gum stain on this one.
Benny Stulwicz: Well, g-give him Norm Sherry, too.
Ed: What?
Benny Stulwicz: You still have his rookie card. That's better.
Jerry Svetka: I don't know how you can do it, Ben. And how can you give up your cards?
Benny Stulwicz: I'm getting married. Uh... now... yeah. You need Joe Pignatano, and he need Chuck Essegian.


"L.A. Law: Great Balls Afire (#6.15)" (1992)
Barry Gorman: [Stuart opening the door is this man is Barry Gorman] Mr. Markowitz, Barry Gorman, thanks for seeing me.
Stuart Markowitz: Sure, uh, what can I do for you?
Barry Gorman: Oh, we'll get to that.
[Mr. Gorman looking up Stuart Markowitz's family]
Barry Gorman: It's a nice family.
Stuart Markowitz: Thank you. Thank you very much. So you have a client with a taxpayer problem, right?
Barry Gorman: Hmm? Oh, no, no. This is a, uh, private matter. You, uh...
[Mr. Gorman clears his throat]
Barry Gorman: You a woman back in 1974 name Karen Alder?
Stuart Markowitz: Yes. 19 indeed we met down in Baja. How she doing?
Barry Gorman: She passed away a few months ago.
Stuart Markowitz: I'm very sorry to hear that. She, she was, she was couple of years younger than I am.
Barry Gorman: You and Mrs. Alder had a relationship, right?
Stuart Markowitz: Well, you wouldn't call that a relationship, we went out a few times.
Barry Gorman: But you had, uh, sexual relations on some of those occasions, didn't you?
Stuart Markowitz: Excuse me? There were... what's this about, Mr. Gorman?
Barry Gorman: This is about paternity, Mr. Markowitz. You have a daughter.
[Stuart has to find out that he has a daughter]

Arnie Becker: Well, so far, this alleged daughter hasn't filed yet, you're probably threatened to go public to force a settlement.
Ann Kelsey: That's blackmail.
Arnie Becker: Well absolutely. Look, this Gorman is a bottom feeder. I wouldn't be surprised if he manipulated this girl into filing suit. He may even try to get appointed a guardian.
Ann Kelsey: So we're looking at fraud here?
Arnie Becker: Probably. But they've done some homework. Stuart, you did know this woman Karen Alder?
Stuart Markowitz: Yep, I - I dated her for like, uh, 3 months.
Arnie Becker: And you did go to bed with her?
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, yeah, it was a casual thing. Well I wasn't among...
Ann Kelsey: I never said you were.
Arnie Becker: Okay, the good news is the girl is 16, the most you can ask for is 2 year support until she reaches her majority.
Stuart Markowitz: What's the bad news?
Arnie Becker: California child support guidelines state that a child must be supported in a fashion commensurate with father's wealth.
Ann Kelsey: Oh, God.
Arnie Becker: Giving you net annual salary, uh, I could see her going to what? 6,000 a month for 2 years? You're looking at a $150,000 hit here.
Stuart Markowitz: If this really were my daughter, why didn't the mother contact me for support?
Ann Kelsey: Exactly.
Arnie Becker: Relax. There will looked one thing.
Stuart Markowitz: What?
Arnie Becker: Your sperm count is so low can be measured infractions, their case is real shaky.
Stuart Markowitz: Great. That makes me feel really wonderful.
Ann Kelsey: So what do we do?
Arnie Becker: The easiest way to get rid of this, DNA tests. They'll probably won't come to that, but Gorman is a K-Mart lawyer, if I go at him, it worked in and I don't let up, I might intimidate him right back into the woodwork.
Ann Kelsey: Good. Because if he thinks we're gonna roll over for this kind of extortion, he is dead wrong.

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Next stop, the Simon & Catherine Rubin Foundation vs. University of California and Dr. Emily Connor. We're representing Dr. Connor and the University?
Jonathan Rollins: Yeah. The Rubin Foundation granted Dr. Connor $100,000 to study a new way to save heart attack and stroke victims, she's happy to the project and Kurt Rubin the Foundations President wants his money back.
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Why?
Jonathan Rollins: He says she's breach the contract by using scientific data from the Nazi concentration camps.
Alex DePalma: What?
Tommy Mullaney: Nazis?
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: What date?
Stuart Markowitz: We're representing Nazis?
Jonathan Rollins: No. We're representing a highly respected scientist who wants to save lives.
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Which particular Nazi experiments is she using?
Jonathan Rollins: The deco hypothermia experiment.
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Huh.
Jonathan Rollins: You know where they subject to prisoners to freezing temperatures and monitor the physiological responses.
Alex DePalma: How many died?
Jonathan Rollins: About 90 men, but tens of thousands die every month from heart disease and my client thinks you can save a lot of them.
Stuart Markowitz: I'm sorry, I don't by that.
Arnie Becker: You're hate to sound crass, but if it meant the life-or-death of somebody that I love dad want them to use the data, it won't change would have to those prisoners.
Leland McKenzie: Well, I don't think it's quite that simple, Arnold.
Jonathan Rollins: Come on, Leland, no one's saying experiments were horrendous, but there were 50 years ago. If the data concede even one life today, I feel...
Leland McKenzie: Now, I - I'm - I'm not saying you shouldn't take the case, Jonathan. And I understand what Mr. Rubin is afraid of.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Is there any possibility of a settlement?
Jonathan Rollins: So far they haven't been willing, I think it just hoping for the best deal at the 11th hour.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Good luck. And we're adjourned.
[the meeting is dismissed and they're done]

Ann Kelsey: Be aggressive, Arnie. I want vintage, Becker.
Arnie Becker: Please, Ann.
[Arnie open the door to get to the proceedings]
Arnie Becker: Good Morning.
Barry Gorman: Mr. Markowitz.
[Mr. Gorman shaking hands with Stuart Markowitz]
Barry Gorman: Mr. Becker.
[And Mr. Gorman shaking hands with Arnie Becker]
Stuart Markowitz: This is my wife Ann Kelsey.
Ann Kelsey: Mr. Gorman.
Barry Gorman: I'd like you both to meet my client Sarah Alder.
[Sarah meets is Ann Kelsey and Stuart Markowitz]
Sarah Alder: Hi.
Ann Kelsey: Hello.
Sarah Alder: [Sarah shaking hands with Stuart] Hi.
Stuart Markowitz: Hi

Arnie Becker: Let's get started. First thing I like to know is what you're doing representing a minor.
Barry Gorman: So happens, Counselor, that I'm planning on seeking guardianship for this young lady.
Arnie Becker: You know the only thing that stinks here worse than your case, Counselor is your ethics.
Barry Gorman: Let's drop the animosity, shall we?
Arnie Becker: You haven't seen animosity, Mr. Gorman. As highly unlikely, that this girl is Mr. Markowitz' daughter, these medical records from his urologist gonna test. You're leveling flimsy charges against a man of high principles. All those sperm count.
Stuart Markowitz: All right, Arnie.
Ann Kelsey: She's your daughter, Stuart.
Arnie Becker: What?
Stuart Markowitz: What?.
Ann Kelsey: You're the father, I can tell.
Barry Gorman: Terrific. Let's drop some papers.
Ann Kelsey: Look at her. Look at her eyes, for God's sake. Can't you see it?
Arnie Becker: I don't believe this.

Ann Kelsey: How are we gonna tell Matthew?
Stuart Markowitz: Mat - - Matthew's 2 years old.
Ann Kelsey: I can just need a mother. This is Stuart's daughter by a previous range.
Stuart Markowitz: Now wait a minute, we don't talk to your mother now. Why should we...
Sarah Alder: [Sarah finds out that's not true] He's not my father.
Barry Gorman: What?
Arnie Becker: What?
Sarah Alder: I'm sorry. I knew my mom have been with you. I knew you had money, that's why I came to you, but you're not my real father.
Barry Gorman: Let's not jump to any rash conclusions here.
Sarah Alder: He doesn't even look like me.
[Sarah and Stuart are not related]
Sarah Alder: I'm sorry.
[Sarah's leaving and heading home. What's wrong with Stuart Markowitz biologically paternal? And what's the matter with Ann Kelsey? She's out of her mind]

Stuart Markowitz: I call Dr. Finkelstein. I want that DNA test.
Ann Kelsey: It'll only confirm what we already know, Stuart, she is your daughter.
Stuart Markowitz: It's weird. I - I was in that room, what? 5 minutes? Most of which I spent telling myself she was a fraud. And this feeling keeps coming up. It's the same feeling I had that day we lost Kelsey.
Ann Kelsey: [sighs] What was the mother like?
Stuart Markowitz: She was... she was nice. Karen. She was... fond, she was smart.
Ann Kelsey: Was she good and bad?
Stuart Markowitz: Ann, at that point in my life, if I got a woman in bed, it was good.
Ann Kelsey: Obviously, you didn't practice safe sex.
Stuart Markowitz: No. In 1974, safe-sex meant not having sex in a moving vehicle, okay?
[Ann looking weird]
Stuart Markowitz: Are you okay about this?
Ann Kelsey: It's not the mother. Or your relationship with her. It's the idea there is a stranger out there, that has some kind of claim on you.
Stuart Markowitz: She doesn't have a claim on me, she gave up whatever claimed she had when she walked out that door.
Ann Kelsey: She gave it up. Does that mean you can?
Stuart Markowitz: No. No. I don't think I can.


"L.A. Law: Hand Roll Express (#2.12)" (1988)
Leland McKenzie: While I'm sure we're all glad that Roxanne is out of her legal difficulties, by this time we're aware that hers were not the only indiscretions committed. While personal investments are, as a rule, personal business, anyone trading on stock tips even remotely questionable is compromising the integrity of this firm. I trust that those of you involved will take appropriate steps to rectify the situation.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Leland, if I may, the only thing I would add is that since Roxanne's matter with the U.S. Attorney's office is concluded, I'd like to give her 2 weeks' notice before the close of business today and start interviewing for a replacement.
Michael Kuzak: Now wait a minute, it hasn't been established that Roxanne knew that those tips were illegal.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: That maybe, but this isn't a criminal prosecution. It's a law firm depending upon the good judgment of its employees. Roxanne let us down. Get rid of her.
Stuart Markowitz: Uh-uh. If she didn't know the tips were based on inside information, how can we punish her?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: And what was her conduct when she did know? Did she immediately offer her cooperation to the federal prosecutor and seek to contain the damage or was her first priority to shield her paramour and further involved this firm's time and manpower in some tawdry little melodrama?
Arnie Becker: Who the hell are you to vilify her? How many times have you had to call out for help for the simple reason that you couldn't keep your fly zipped?
Leland McKenzie: All right, Arnold, let's not get into that now.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Whatever past scrapes, I've gotten into, I've never put this firm in jeopardy.
Arnie Becker: For all your sanctimonious braying, Douglas, neither has she.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well, I don't intend to let this drop.
Arnie Becker: Fine, let me make things very clear then. You can express your outrage about this incident. We can have a series of discussions about moral consequences, situational ethics, or whatever you want. Just so you know, if you fire Roxanne, I walk out right behind her.
[Arnie leaves and heads out of the Conference room. Ann Kelsey is to blame for Roxanne's insider trading. Leland and Douglas need a moment of silence]

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Jonathan, McMurray vs. Brinkley.
Jonathan Rollins: Uh, $185,000 award plus costs.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: That brings Mr. Rollins to 5 and 0. I'd like to see those kind of stats from some other people around here. Seidell tax audits?
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, I'm not going to have anything definitive on that until Friday.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Emile's vs. Southland Magazine.
Victor Sifuentes: Opening arguments scheduled for today.
Abby Perkins: Your case may be a editorial section of the L.A. Times today.
Jonathan Rollins: I never would've thought a restaurant review could generate this kind of controversy.
Stuart Markowitz: Are you kidding? Lorna Landsberg - Who by the way I'd love to meet sometime if you could.
[Victor nodded]
Stuart Markowitz: She's probably the most influential food critic around. She makes and breaks restaurant.
Victor Sifuentes: More importantly this is potentially a landmark First Amendment case. The same elements that were in Westmoreland vs. CBS, Tavoulareas vs. the Washington Post, Sharon vs. Time Magazine. They're all there. It is the kind of case that makes laws.
Michael Kuzak: Immortality, Victor. Nothing less.
Leland McKenzie: It's a serious issue though, if you don't have a free press if they're cowered by fear of being sued.
Arnie Becker: Yeah, but on the other hand, is the press entitled to be malicious if it means this guy with the restaurant suffers.
[Leland shrugged]
Michael Kuzak: Was H.L. Mencken malicious? Lincoln Steffens, was he malicious? If you don't like someone's opinion, it's easy to call him malicious.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, and there's something else really important to consider here. We now have a client who knows Spago's private number. We'll never be shut out a table there again.
[Ann laughs. Jonathan laughs, too]
Arnie Becker: Could you find out for me, Victor, if she knows of a restaurant that's serving Chinese food from the Hakka region? I think that this might be the next big cuisine.
[Abby and Stuart laughing]

Stuart Markowitz: When he realizes that it totally skews the market.
[to the waiter]
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, just a little bit on the salad. People are invited to invest their money and publicly held corporation as though they had a fair shot. What they're getting here is a rigged deck.
Ann Kelsey: That seems to me the deck was rigged long before insider trading.
Stuart Markowitz: What?
Ann Kelsey: Big investment bankers aren't business to give Johnny small-time a fair shot.
Stuart Markowitz: There's a big difference between having an edge because you're smarter and having an edge because you're a criminal.
Ann Kelsey: Stuart, I have a confession to make. The watch I gave you, I bought it with money I made from one of Roxanne's stock tips.
Stuart Markowitz: This watch? My watch?
Ann Kelsey: Yeah.
Stuart Markowitz: [Stuart looking weird at the restaurant] Ann, how could - Oh!
Ann Kelsey: Stuart, it doesn't change the fact that it was an expression of my love for you.
Stuart Markowitz: [Putting down his fork] I don't understand, how could you do something like this? Maybe you can say that Roxanne didn't know that those tips were illegal, but you're a lawyer. She's getting them from an arbitrager. They're always right. At some point, don't you put two and two together?
Ann Kelsey: I just didn't stop to analyze it quite that thoroughly, Stuart.
Stuart Markowitz: Well, maybe you should have.
Ann Kelsey: Maybe I should have. But since I didn't, can't you accept the watch in the spirit in which it was given?
Stuart Markowitz: I don't know.
[Stuart looking up time]
Stuart Markowitz: I love this watch. But I hate the idea that every time I look at the time, I'm going to think of it is - I don't know, ill-gotten gains or something.
Ann Kelsey: Stuart, the watch is bought and paid for. What do you want me to do? Hock it and give money to charity? Would that make you feel better?
Stuart Markowitz: I don't know.

Ann Kelsey: Stuart, don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?
Stuart Markowitz: How would you feel if I told you your diamond engagement ring was bought with stolen money?
Ann Kelsey: It's not the same thing.
Stuart Markowitz: How is it different, Ann?
Ann Kelsey: I don't know.
Stuart Markowitz: I just wish we could purge ourselves of this something.
Robert Alden: Excuse me. Have you got the time?
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah. It's 10:30.
Robert Alden: Oh, nice watch.
Stuart Markowitz: Thanks.
Robert Alden: Can I have it?
Stuart Markowitz: What?
Robert Alden: [Pointing the gun] It's stick up time.
Ann Kelsey: Stuart.

Robert Alden: Hand it over. Watch, rings, money, come on.
[Stuart handover his Rolex Watch and his ring]
Robert Alden: You, too, Miss.
Stuart Markowitz: Do as he says, Ann.
[Ann handing in her diamond ring, but keep her wedding ring]
Ann Kelsey: Can I keep my wedding ring?
Robert Alden: Well, in consideration of the watch and the diamond ring, what the hell. Okay.
[Ann puts her wedding ring back in her finger]
Robert Alden: Hey, aren't you going to say thank you?
Ann Kelsey: Thank you.
Robert Alden: Okay. Attorneys, right? Well, you folks have a nice evening.
[Tires screeching by car and the yuppie bandit heads to the getaway car. And he got away. Ann Kelsey and Stuart Markowitz have been robbed in the evening]
Ann Kelsey: You wanted a purge? You got a purge.
Stuart Markowitz: Purge? I just purged my shorts.


"L.A. Law: Hello and Goodbye (#7.13)" (1993)
[In the office, Stuart has to think about what happened about his life, and Ann is here to talk with Stuart about her reaction]
Ann Kelsey: Stuart, you're making it worse.
[Stuart is not in the mood, and he's very busy]
Stuart Markowitz: I'm busy.
Ann Kelsey: Please, don't do this.
Stuart Markowitz: Why am I getting subpoenaed by the City Attorney's Office?
Ann Kelsey: Because I'm angry, Stuart.
Stuart Markowitz: No kidding.
Ann Kelsey: There were two of us who were mugged! And only one of us was treated! What about me?
Stuart Markowitz: I didn't ask for this, Ann. I - I give anything for this not to have happened. But it happened. And now what I wanna do is get past it.
Ann Kelsey: What am I supposed to do? I have been waiting.
Stuart Markowitz: Waiting for what? What do you want from me, Ann?
Ann Kelsey: I want you the way you were!
Stuart Markowitz: Well, it's not possible. I'm sorry, but that's not possible. A person can't go through it, I went through come out the same as he went in. And if you can't accept that, I'm packing up and I'm out of here.
[Ann has opened the door and leave for the moment]

City Atty. Dana Romney: [City Attorney Dana Romney has returned again] Hello, everybody.
Stuart Markowitz: Oh, great.
City Atty. Dana Romney: Oh, it's a gorgeous day. Oh, and what a view from the tower of power. One of these days. All right, Dana Romney, City Attorney. Douglas Brackman may have told about me.
Ann Kelsey: We know who you are, Mr. Romney, let's get on with this all of us are very busy.
City Atty. Dana Romney: We certainly are, Ms. Kelsey, which is why your meritless claim offends me. Why not spared taxpayers the cost of defending your charges and your husband the agony of what a mine interrogation.
Ann Kelsey: Excuse me?
City Atty. Dana Romney: Drop the suit.
Ann Kelsey: Drop dead.
City Atty. Dana Romney: Suggests me or there's a surplus of hostility in this room?
[Romney laughing]
City Atty. Dana Romney: Okay.

Ann Kelsey: Stuart, I have something I need to say to you.
Stuart Markowitz: I can't wait, Ann, Douglas needs his figures.
Ann Kelsey: It can't wait.
[Ann closed the door. Stuart puts his paper and his pen down and listen. Ann needs to tell Stuart the truth all about Ann and Stuart that they have loved]
Ann Kelsey: Stuart, I wish I had been more supportive. Less judgmental, more secure with myself and who I am. But when all this happened, it so shook my world. It... it so altered everything that I... have finally begun to take for granted. All I want was to punish the people that have done this to us, and instead I... I wound up punishing the only true victim of this whole sorry mess. So if you... if you really want to leave this marriage, I'll understand. Hmm. But I love you, and... if you could possibly forgive me and...
[Ann sobbing]
Ann Kelsey: and help me to put this behind us.
Stuart Markowitz: Shh.
[Stuart will comfort Ann and forgive her. Holding, hugged Ann, and kissed her]
Stuart Markowitz: I love you.
[And continues kissing]

City Atty. Dana Romney: Mr. Markowitz, uh, according to your wife's suits, since your attack, you are not the same man you once were? Uh, Ms. Kelsey's safe a declining rate of marital concupiscence, that is to say sexual intercourse? Is that accurate?
Stuart Markowitz: Yes.
City Atty. Dana Romney: She says you haven't had sex in over 3 months?
[Romney scoffs]
City Atty. Dana Romney: Is - is that accurate?
Stuart Markowitz: Sounds right. Yes.
City Atty. Dana Romney: So it's your position then that your lack of inter marital sex results from the beating you took last April?
Stuart Markowitz: No, the only reason my wife and I don't have sex, that I currently find her undesirable.
[Ann is silent and scared]
City Atty. Dana Romney: Really?
[Ann is going to be alone in her office for a while. Romney sighs]
City Atty. Dana Romney: I could have secure better testimony if I written it myself.
[Romney laughed]
Stuart Markowitz: Are we done?
City Atty. Dana Romney: Pretty go, Mr. Markowitz. Bye.
[Stuart will take a break. The City Attorney Romney turning the pages]

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Ann Kelsey vs. City Los Angeles. What's this?
Ann Kelsey: I'm suing the LAPD for inadequate response during the riots. They had a helicopter overhead during Stuart's attack, and all he did was watch.
Leland McKenzie: Stuart, you're not involved in this action?
Stuart Markowitz: No, I'm not. This is Ann's shot.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: What kind of damages he's looking for?
Ann Kelsey: Loss of consortium.
Leland McKenzie: Wait, you're aware with a case such as this, you can expect questions about your intimacies...
Stuart Markowitz: It doesn't matter, Leland. Clearly, I'm a shadow of my former self.
[Stuart needs to take a moment and be alone at his office]
Ann Kelsey: I understand that this is a matter of public record, but it's not up for discussion here.
[Ann closed her desk folder]
Ann Kelsey: Excuse me.
Leland McKenzie: Yes, ma'am.


"L.A. Law: Oy Vey! Wilderness! (#1.21)" (1987)
Ann Kelsey: [while hiking] Stuart, my back is killing me.
Stuart Markowitz: Are your hip stablizers secure?
Ann Kelsey: I don't know if they are. I told you it was ridiculous to bring all this junk!
Stuart Markowitz: Don't start with me, Ann. Don't start with me!

Stuart Markowitz: [while cutting into a potato after roasting it over an open fire] Ugh! Ann, the middle is all raw. I knew we should have bought that butane stove.
Ann Kelsey: [voice-over] Eat some more trail mix.
Stuart Markowitz: I'm sick of trail mix.
Ann Kelsey: Well, if you hadn't broken all the eggs when you tumbled over...
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, like that was really my fault.
Ann Kelsey: I don't want to fight anymore. Could you throw some toilet paper over here?
Stuart Markowitz: Sure. Where'd you pack it?
Ann Kelsey: I didn't pack it. You did.
Stuart Markowitz: No, I thought you did.
Ann Kelsey: Oh, swell! You brought ever damn thing in the world out here except the toilet paper! What am I supposed to do?
Stuart Markowitz: How about using a leaf?
Ann Kelsey: A leaf?
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah. You said you didn't want anything to come between you and nature.

Stuart Markowitz: [Continued hiking] Come on, honey.
Ann Kelsey: Aaah!
Stuart Markowitz: I'll get him. I'll get him.
[Stuart strikes the lizard, but suddenly he missed it]
Stuart Markowitz: All right, the hell with him. Hell with him. I'll let him go. Come on.
Ann Kelsey: God, I hate lizards.
Stuart Markowitz: Oh, God. God this pack is unbelievable. Feel like a lama. How you feeling, honey?
Ann Kelsey: How do you think I'm feeling?
Stuart Markowitz: Is - is the itching getting any better?
Ann Kelsey: The itching's worse. The burning is worse. I am in agony, Stuart. Total agony.
Stuart Markowitz: Just going to be a little bit further. It'll be okay.
Ann Kelsey: How are we ever going to find a dermatologist in this god-forsaken place?
Stuart Markowitz: Well, you know, any kind of doctor can treat poison sumac or whatever it was. Did you, uh, remember to bring the leaf specimen?
Ann Kelsey: I thought you were going to bring it.
Stuart Markowitz: Well, you know I - he probably doesn't need it anyway. Come on.
[Continued hiking, but suddenly they found the jeep]
Ann Kelsey: Oh, Stuart, could you please run and warm it up?

Stuart Markowitz: Come on.
[Ignition grinding]
Stuart Markowitz: Come on, come on. Come on. It won't start.
Ann Kelsey: Oh, God, Stuart. Stuart, you're got to get me out of here. Please.
[Ann is in agony of itching]
Ann Kelsey: I don't care how. Just - Just get to the Ranger's station or something, please. You've got to get me out of this miserable place... before I start to cry.
[Ann begins to start crying while suffering of itchiness]
Stuart Markowitz: Ann. Ann, come on, honey.
[Ann is sobbing]
Stuart Markowitz: I'm going to get you out of here. I'm going to - Just hang in there, honey. I'm going to get us out of here real soon. I promise. I'll be right back. Now, just don't move. I'll be right back!
[Stuart will get help and turned to Ann]
Stuart Markowitz: And don't scratch!


"L.A. Law: Cold Shower (#7.16)" (1993)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Uh, can we get started?
Leland McKenzie: Just start, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I'm started. People vs. Matz.
[That's for Jonathan Rollins' while pouring to get a cup of coffee]
Jonathan Rollins: Yes. Yes. That's mine. Matz' has accused of selling stolen artwork to undercover cop. I'm pleading entrapment.
Melina Paros: That's a tough cell.
Daniel Morales: I know it is. You yet to stolen art in his position?
Jonathan Rollins: He did.
Daniel Morales: Any sold it to the cop?
Jonathan Rollins: Yep.
Melina Paros: So where's the entrapment?
Jonathan Rollins: Well, my client's gay. He claims to a fallen for the cop. He also claims that it was mutual, I'd say for the purposes of his trial at least that, uh, the cop seduce him.
Arnie Becker: In other words, it's your only shot.
Jonathan Rollins: Yes, right.
Ann Kelsey: Then it must me true.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: In the matter of Celeste Bauman.
Stuart Markowitz: Yes, that's me. Uh, Ms. Bauman has accompanied that markets' vitamins and dietary supplements, the IRS claims that she has under paid her taxes by some $800,000, and for some reason to being nasty about it.
Melina Paros: The IRS's nasty?
Stuart Markowitz: Celeste is gonna need little managing, but I think we can resolve it.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Gwen, you're observing on to this one, correct?
Gwen Taylor: Yep.

Roxanne Melman: Arnie, Jack Caller's here.
Arnie Becker: I gotta go.
[Ann finds out how Roxanne's been]
Ann Kelsey: How you're feeling, Roxanne?
Roxanne Melman: Pretty good.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Everything going all right? Visa V-V pregnancy?
Roxanne Melman: So far.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Good.
[Leland was so relieved about Roxanne's pregnancy. Arnie will be going and escorted out by Roxanne]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: How much paid leave are we on the hook forward this one?
Stuart Markowitz: 6 weeks.
Ann Kelsey: You wouldn't have a problem with that by any chance, would you, Douglas?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Oh, no. I think it's the least we can do.

Marvin Pick: It never fails to amaze me that people actually think that they can get away with this things.
Stuart Markowitz: Mr. Pick, nobody's trying to get away with anything. If errors were made and calculating Ms. Bauman's tax return, we're directed file those errors.
Marvin Pick: Come on, Mr. Markowitz, I wasn't born yesterday.
Stuart Markowitz: What does that mean?
Marvin Pick: It means that this isn't someone who makes errors. This is someone who calculates long and hard to conceal, connive and defraud. This is someone who actually thinks that she doesn't have to pay her right to the share taxes that the United States Government, and I found it absolutely intolerable.
Stuart Markowitz: Mr. Pick, this entire problem can be attributed to Ms. Bauman's former account.
Marvin Pick: Hmm. I don't buy that. It appears that in addition to a significant amount of unreported personal income, your client was using corporate employees to perform a variety distinctly non business related functions.
Celeste Bauman: Wait a minute. I am inviting my company. What it affects me and affects my employees. This is all business related.
Marvin Pick: You're kidding me, right?
Celeste Bauman: No, I'm not kidding you.
Marvin Pick: I would appreciate it, if you would, uh, you know tell your client to stop wasting my time.

Stuart Markowitz: We have tax returns for the last 10 years, where do you want to start?
Celeste Bauman: I didn't build my business on vitamins and nutrients supplements alone, Mr. Pick. I build it on stamina, I build it on guts, and I build it by hearing to a personal philosophy that does not allow me to become intimidated by anyone.
Stuart Markowitz: Celeste, Mr. Pick is just trying to do his job.
Marvin Pick: That's right. And my job is to enforce the tax code. I enforce you comply.
Celeste Bauman: You're not a well man, Marvin.
[Stuart and Gwen turned to Celeste, and looked what's wrong with Celeste]
Celeste Bauman: You worked in this miserable office. You drink coffee, and you smoke, and your diet is high and fat, it's low and fiber, it's not nearly dense enough in nutrients. And I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if your body wasn't ravaged by intestinal parasites.
Marvin Pick: You - you know what? You're right. I drink coffee, I smoke, I only eat things that are bad for me, and with all that, I'm still healthy enough to bring you to your knees. Me and my parasites.
[Marvin eating the danish]
Celeste Bauman: You want to know what healthy is? I'll tell you what healthy is. How do you think I am?
Marvin Pick: I have no idea.
Celeste Bauman: I'm 75 years old.
Gwen Taylor: You're 75?
Celeste Bauman: The reason that I don't look my age, is because I have a healthy life affirming attitude toward everybody in everything. It comes from being a peace with myself, and from being a peace with the whole world. I'm 75, and I'll live to dance on this little pissant's grave. Stuart, Gwen, you know where to reach me? And I know that I shall be hearing from you very soon.
[Celeste Bauman is going to leave now. Stuart sees Celeste leaving and turned back to Marvin]


"L.A. Law: Bang... Zoom... Zap (#4.19)" (1990)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Reynolds vs. Mendez. Stuart, you're really doing this?
Stuart Markowitz: Yep.
Rosalind Shays: He's heading Stuart into federal court, Michael?
Stuart Markowitz: I'm ready, Rosalind. For this case, I'm ready.
Michael Kuzak: As Stuart's been working his pants off on this.
Abby Perkins: Nervous?
Stuart Markowitz: Oh, yeah.
Ann Kelsey: If he loses, it won't be for like a preparation, I can tell you that much.
Stuart Markowitz: I'm not gonna lose.

[Stuart reading the law books. Knocking is Kuzak]
Michael Kuzak: How'd you doing?
Stuart Markowitz: I'm ready.
Michael Kuzak: I know how much this case means to you, Stuart, and I know how much you want to win.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, look, from the beginning, we all know this been more just a case for me.
Michael Kuzak: Speaking from having been there, I can see that sometimes that can hurt you.
Stuart Markowitz: Mike, I'm not gonna let it hurt me.
[Michael shaking hands with Stuart]
Michael Kuzak: Good luck.
Stuart Markowitz: Thanks.

Stuart Markowitz: Why were you in Argentina in 1979, sir?
Peter Reynolds: I was one of a number of Americans there with the agrarian reform movement. We were trying to bring about a redistribution of a land. I had been there about 6 months at the time of my arrest.
Stuart Markowitz: What were you arrested for?
Peter Reynolds: No one ever said. They just came in the middle of the night and took me to prison.
Stuart Markowitz: When did you first meet the defendant?
Peter Reynolds: A few days later. They took me to a room. There were three men there. He was one of them.
Stuart Markowitz: What happened in their room?
Peter Reynolds: They... told me to take off my clothes. They strapped me to the machine. Mr. Mendez pour a pail of ice water over my head and wired an electrode to my genitals. He pushed a switch and a jolt of an electricity hit me. My head snapped back, my whole body shook, and... and then he did it again. And after each time, he would turn a dial, so that the next one would be just that little bit worse. Finally, the pain got so bad that I passed out.
Stuart Markowitz: Was this type of session ever repeated?
Peter Reynolds: Over the 2 years, that I was held, there were 34 such sessions.
Stuart Markowitz: And did Mr. Mendez himself always administer the torture?
Peter Reynolds: Yes. It was always Mr. Mendez.
Stuart Markowitz: After you were released from prison, when did you next see Mr. Mendez?
Peter Reynolds: 3 years ago. His photograph was in the paper. American dream come true. Penniless immigrant makes good opens 8 new dry cleaning locations in one year alone.
Stuart Markowitz: And what about you, Peter? How do you support yourself?
Peter Reynolds: I can't work. My mother... gives me enough for a furnished room, and cigarettes... and I do odd jobs when I can. At night, I... can't sleep during the day. Well, I - I take medication that keeps me pretty even, but... mostly, I just walk around.
Stuart Markowitz: I have nothing further.


"L.A. Law: I'm Ready for My Closeup, Mr. Markowitz (#6.12)" (1992)
Ann Kelsey: Stuart, I just realized, I've got this deposition until 5:00 tomorrow, I'm gonna have to come right home from there and change.
Stuart Markowitz: Change for what?
Ann Kelsey: The AIDS benefit in Santa Monica.
Stuart Markowitz: That's tomorrow night?
Ann Kelsey: Honey, of course it is.
Stuart Markowitz: Ann, I have my meeting with Lilah Vandenberg tomorrow night.
Ned Barron: Lilah Vandenberg, the Actress?
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah.
Ann Kelsey: I thought that was in the afternoon.
Stuart Markowitz: No, she only takes evening meetings. She finds so much more civilized.
Ned Barron: She a client of yours?
Stuart Markowitz: Well, she's represented by Susan Bloom, but they ask me to take a look at her finances.
Ann Kelsey: So I go to the dinner all alone?
Ann Kelsey: No, uh, uh,why don't you call somebody from the firm? Maybe Douglas would want to go.
Ned Barron: Well, I can take you.
Ann Kelsey: [Ann turned to Ned] Very sweet of you.
Stuart Markowitz: No, wait a minute. That's a great idea.

Ann Kelsey: Who's gonna take care of Matthew?
Stuart Markowitz: Matthew can stay with the, uh, the which you call us next door?
Ned Barron: The Haileys.
Stuart Markowitz: The Haileys. They used crazy about little, uh...
Ned Barron: Chelsea.
Stuart Markowitz: [Stuart continues] ... little, little Chelsea. He won't even know where he gone.
Ann Kelsey: It's black tie, Stuart.
Ned Barron: Well, there's no problem. My roommate used to be a maître d'. Uh, actually he owns a tuxedo.
Stuart Markowitz: Great. No problem. You see. No problem. There's no problem at all. Is it Matthew? No problem.

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Next up. Campos et al vs. Halifax Chemical.
Tommy Mullaney: We're going to trial.
[Brackman and McKenzie exchange a look]
Grace Van Owen: This is the class action suit brought by the Hondurans?
Tommy Mullaney: Uh-huh. I'm co-chair with Alex DePalma, the attorney who brought it to us. Farm workers down there used a real nasty pesticide called Trichlor, also known as "Wallop." It made 400 of them sterile.
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Wallop indeed.
Tommy Mullaney: Trichlor was suspended by the E.P.A., but Halifax kept shipping tons of the stuff to Honduras.
Ann Kelsey: I thought this case was dismissed on jurisdictional grounds.
Tommy Mullaney: We appealed. The court ruled that since Halifax is based in California, we can try it here.
Arnie Becker: Foreign workers suing in our courts? Good luck.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: It's worse than you think. DePalma is a solo practitioner from East L.A. Halifax is represented by Breech and Spitzer.
Jonathan Rollins: Those guys are pit bulls.
Arnie Becker: Kiss this one goodbye.
Tommy Mullaney: Look. We know it's a long shot. But what that company did to these people was a crime.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: But you can't write every wrong in the world. And this is eating up billable hours...
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Hours aren't the point here.
Stuart Markowitz: This is about conscience.
Arnie Becker: Come on, folks. We have to have some fiscal responsibility...
Jonathan Rollins: Yeah, but how far are we expected to go?
Leland McKenzie: [to Mullaney] Before this goes any further, I want to talk to Mr. DePalma and the class rep.
[to Brackman]
Leland McKenzie: Anything else, Douglas?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: No. We're adjourned.


"L.A. Law: How Am I Driving? (#8.20)" (1994)
Patrick Flanagan: Why don't we just give him another minute?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I think not. Let's get started. Ruland vs. Wayside...
Jonathan Rollins: Uh. uh, uh, uh, Douglas. There he is.
[Eli has arrived by bus]
Leland McKenzie: OK.
Eli Levinson: Sorry. Sorry.
Leland McKenzie: Uh-huh.
Eli Levinson: The buses were running late.
Arnie Becker: You actually take a bus?
Eli Levinson: Yes.
Stuart Markowitz: Unbelievable, isn't it?
Eli Levinson: It's really not that unbelievable.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: And you're doing it for some kind of ecological reason, Eli?
Eli Levinson: I'm doing it because I don't have a driver's license. Denise is giving me lessons however, I'm inching on being ready to take the road test. And I'm about to buy a car
Ann Kelsey: You can buy a car before you get your license?
Eli Levinson: And to all partners just settle a case of mine is they send me a very large check. I thought I did something extravagant.
Jonathan Rollins: What are you getting?
Eli Levinson: I have no idea. Denise is set me up a car broker who presumably will get me through this is painlessly as possible.
Arnie Becker: Ultimately when buying a car, keep one question uppermost in mind. How am I going to feel when I'm standing in front of a restaurant? The ballet brings me my car.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Thank you, Arnold.

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Ruland vs. Wayside Hospital.
Jonathan Rollins: Yeah, that's mine. A 16-year-old girl found to be incorrigible by her father, is being committed to a psychiatric facility by him. She soon to be released from the facility and we're representing the father at the facility.
Jane Halliday: What did she do?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Drugs, sex, alcohol. Well, her father feel that she's basically out of control.
Arnie Becker: There but for the grace of God.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Askoff vs. Askoff.
Arnie Becker: Yes, we're representing Frank Askoff, his wife is suing for the divorce also looking to disembowel him financially. Her leverages Carmilla Greer.
Stuart Markowitz: What? He's in a book?
Arnie Becker: Yes, he is. He also runs a publicly traded corporation. He wants very much for this not to get out?
Jane Halliday: Whose Carmilla Greer?
Ann Kelsey: She's a madam.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I'm rather well placed, madam.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, I suspect there are a number people in that book who very much don't want to get out.
Arnie Becker: Well, you frequent prostitutes, you run that risk.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, I have never been the prostitute.
Ann Kelsey: Ah, gee!


"L.A. Law: Do the Spike Thing (#6.3)" (1991)
Leland McKenzie: Well, in addition to the broken nose, he suffered facial bruising and a cracked rib.
Arnie Becker: How much they get?
Ann Kelsey: Oh, my God.
Jonathan Rollins: Robbery.
Leland McKenzie: Well, it's, uh, apparently not the motive. He has $200.00 in his wallet when he was admitted to Cedars.
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Where did this happen?
Leland McKenzie: Westside. Outside a restaurant Andrew Cleese?
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Andrew Cleese?
Arnie Becker: You know the place?
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Uh, yeah, it rings the bell.
Stuart Markowitz: So is he gonna miss his own awards luncheon?
Leland McKenzie: Well, I hope not. If this condition remains stable, we'll let him come home tomorrow. In his absence, we'll keep this brief. Roxanne?
Roxanne Melman: Okay, first up we...
Tommy Mullaney: Oh, by the way. Word is the Board of Supervisors is completed its investigation of Mr. Rogoff. As of today, our district attorney is history.
Jonathan Rollins: Yeah. Yes.
Ann Kelsey: Woo!
Jonathan Rollins: Yeah.
Bill Castroverde: Rogoff's final appeal was rejected?
Jonathan Rollins: He withdrew his appeal and got to keep his pension.
Tommy Mullaney: Hey! When did your ties with the DA's office get better than mine?

Roxanne Melman: Moving along.
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Hey, you're going to see Zoey, huh?
Tommy Mullaney: Oh, yeah, you bet.
Leland McKenzie: Can we get started, Roxanne?
Roxanne Melman: Good idea. Uh, Paul vs. Humble Logging.
Leland McKenzie: Oh, yes. That's the saw mill accident.
Ann Kelsey: I'm down to my last motion.
Tommy Mullaney: Ann, you're gotta revoke us here club membership because you're defending loggers.
Ann Kelsey: This time the logging company is not at fault. The tree spiker cause the accident.
Bill Castroverde: Tree spiker?
Stuart Markowitz: An activists that drives nails and tree keep from being cut down.
Arnie Becker: An activist? He's a terrorist.
Ann Kelsey: He's also a co defendant.
Tommy Mullaney: Ah, co defendants.
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Oh, no.
Roxanne Melman: Can we move on, People?
Ann Kelsey: Thanks for the encouragement, guys.
Roxanne Melman: Okay, People, listen up. Now Jonathan got the McFarlane deposition, C.J.'s got Jackson vs., oh, Tommy, you're downtown on the blast was arraignment. Okay, any questions? That's it. We're adjourned.


"L.A. Law: Blood, Sweat and Fears (#4.15)" (1990)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Lastly, cleanup items. As you know, the vote for the new Senior Partner is Friday, which is just 3 short days away. When it decided by plurality, the declared candidates are Rosalind, Stuart and myself.
Arnie Becker: Uh, Stuart, you little power hog.
Stuart Markowitz: I believe I'm qualified.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Yes, well, best of luck to us all. Let's try to run a clean campaign. And very lastly, I've been instructed to request that you keep the evening of May 4th, clear on your calendar, though I have no idea why.
Abby Perkins: Benny's clinic is doing a play. And he's landed a major role, so I think we shall all be there.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Oh, no. First Roxanne think she's Aretha Franklin. What's he doing? An evening with Mark Twain?
Abby Perkins: The Wizard of Oz. He's playing the Cowardly Lion. And Alice has been cast as Dorothy.
Stuart Markowitz: That's great.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well, that's it, people. We're adjourned.
[Douglas closed his pocket watch with a chain]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Leland?
[Leland gets up]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I'd like a minute of your time, please.
[They all dismissed]

Ann Kelsey: Stuart, I didn't say you would make a good Senior Partner.
Stuart Markowitz: No, you didn't say it. But you implied, didn't you?
Ann Kelsey: I simply ask why it is you want to run for it?
Stuart Markowitz: Oh, which means, how can I possibly consider for a single second that I actually run a law firm, right?
Ann Kelsey: Oh, brother. If that is what you infer for one simple little question, Stuart. I don't know what to say.
Stuart Markowitz: Well, let's get down to it, Ann. Are you gonna vote for me?
Ann Kelsey: Honey, of course, I'm gonna vote for you, you're my husband. How can I not support you in this?
Stuart Markowitz: [laughing] Ho, ho, ho, oh, great. There it is. You are unbelievable. The absolute maestro with a back end compliment.
Ann Kelsey: Oh, my God's sake.
Stuart Markowitz: No, it's great, Ann, it's great. You vote for me, out of spousal obligation. Not because I'll be good doing any job. No, not because I'll be a good leader. Not because be good for the firm. No. But because it's a wife's duty to back her husband. Even though we may be tilting at windmills.
Ann Kelsey: Stuart, what do you want for me? You want me to stand up and cheer the firm is save, Stuart Markowitz to the rescue? You have never been the head of a single department. You have never been the boss of anything. At least Douglas has been an administrator.
Stuart Markowitz: That's all he is, Ann, he's an administrator. There's no vision. You can't see beyond the paperclip inventory. And he has no business being vested with the direction of our lives.
Ann Kelsey: Better him than Rosalind Shays.
Stuart Markowitz: She can't win.
Ann Kelsey: She can, Stuart. If you and Douglas split your vote. You can take just enough to support away from each other and make that queen bitch the winner.
Stuart Markowitz: Ann.
Ann Kelsey: Stuart, I can live with Brackman. Not happily, but I can live. But if Rosalind Shays gets control of this...
Stuart Markowitz: It's not gonna happen. You want to how this things gonna break down? Leland backs Douglas, Rosalind votes for herself, You and I vote for me. That leaves Becker and Kuzak as a swing votes.
Ann Kelsey: And they'll vote for you?
Stuart Markowitz: Oh, yeah. Yeah, Arnie was never happy about her joining the firm to begin with. And he's never taken Douglas seriously. I think I can nail him down. The trick is Kuzak. Got to figure out a way to back Kuzak.
[Ann is looking pretty weird]
Stuart Markowitz: What?


"L.A. Law: Victor/Victorious (#3.9)" (1989)
Stuart Markowitz: No, it's not a good offer. 40,000 is not good.
Abby Perkins: It's all the client loss, Stuart. We're not getting any punitives and it's seems to me that...
Stuart Markowitz: He's out a pocket loss was 40, Abby, that doesn't take into account loss a profit. It doesn't take into account interest. And this things on a 4 year payout schedule which means the present-day values is about 32.
Abby Perkins: Which is still not bad considering the cost of a trial.
Stuart Markowitz: Abby, the client doesn't bear that cost, you took it on a contingency, remember?
Abby Perkins: Even so, Stuart, anti competition cases are tough to win. And I'm not sure we should roll the dice for wobbler.
Stuart Markowitz: You have a strong case here, Abby, that's why the offers as good as it is. I think you can get at least 65.
Abby Perkins: I disagree. Look, even if we win on liability, which to me is very iffy. The upside award in this is gonna be in the low 50's.
Stuart Markowitz: I think you're wrong.
Abby Perkins: Thank you, but that's my decision. I'm gonna recommend the client that he take it.
Stuart Markowitz: Fine. But I gotta tell you if he ask me, I'm gonna recommend otherwise.
Abby Perkins: Stuart, I'll talk to the client, I don't need you giving him mixed signals about this deal.
Stuart Markowitz: Whoa. Whoa. I'm co-counsel here, Abby. I have a duty to protect Mr. Cheng's interest as well.
Abby Perkins: I'm the one who hire you.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, on the client's behalf, which means I have an affirmative obligation to...
Abby Perkins: Well then I just removed that obligation as of this moment!
Stuart Markowitz: I beg your pardon?
Abby Perkins: You're fired.
Stuart Markowitz: You're firing me?
Abby Perkins: I'm sorry, but your services are terminated as is your obligation to speak to my client. You can send me your bill.
[Abby leaves. But Stuart has been under a lot of pressure]

Abby Perkins: What possible justification do you have for turning my client on me?
Stuart Markowitz: I didn't turn your client. Why? Did he leave you?
Abby Perkins: Yes, he did, Stuart. You know he did.
Stuart Markowitz: No, I don't know, Abby. He came to my office very uncertain about the deal you were trying to slide past him.
Abby Perkins: I resent that characterization.
Stuart Markowitz: It is precisely accurate, Abby. I am a precisely accurate kind of guy and I had severe misgivings about the way I handled that meeting with him, because I led him to believe that what you were doing was OK. You sold him down the river, Abby. I waved to him from the dock. He deserved better.
Abby Perkins: Oh, come on, Stuart. You would have negotiated that deal to death. You'd like nothing better than to bat those profit projections back and forth to the end of recorded history. But for people who live in real time, Stuart, including Mr. Chang, they have bills to pay.
Stuart Markowitz: Oh, is that it, Abby? Bills to pay? Did you push for a settlement because you have bills to pay?
Abby Perkins: It was a decent offer.
Stuart Markowitz: Did you push for the settlement because you have bills to pay?
Abby Perkins: I'm out of money, Stuart. I'm also out of credit. And I was stiffed by two clients for fees that I was counting on, but I would never sell out my own client.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, because he walked before you had a chance to. Abby, good lawyers don't screw their clients.
Abby Perkins: Well, what am I supposed to do, Stuart, lose my practice, close up shop?
Stuart Markowitz: Ask for a loan, for God's sake! Here! I have money!
[Slam the money on the table]
Abby Perkins: Stick your money, Stuart! Stick your money and your moralizing!


"L.A. Law: Open Heart Perjury (#2.18)" (1988)
Stuart Markowitz: Okay, we're willing to shave our demand by half to $50,000, provided that you agree to an audit...
Robert Boland: [rudely interruping] Drop dead, loser! My settlement offer is $5,000, that's it. No more, no less.
Stuart Markowitz: Five? Five thousand? How can you say that, Mr. Boland? That poor old woman is living off food stamps because of your...
Robert Boland: [rudely interruping again] I don't give a damn if that old bag has to hock her dentures. If I cave into her, every one of those old goats, whom you noticed sitting behind you in that courtroom, will be coming after me with their hands out.
Stuart Markowitz: Those "old goats" are broke because of you. That "I'm sorry" speech on the witness stand was an act. You really did rip all those old people off.
Robert Boland: I did no such thing. Besides, the geologist supported everything that I said in his testimony. I have nothing to hide.
Jonathan Rollins: You must have payed off that geologist.
Robert Boland: Completely unprovable. Even if you can prove it, so what? I got no assets. I have nothing in my name you can't take.

Jonathan Rollins: You listen, Mr. Boland, we will get a judgment against you regardless of the time it takes, and we will turn the heat on you until that ice cold exterior of yours melts into liquid and when it does, we will pounce all over you!
Robert Boland: [sarcastic] Ooooo, nice theory, hot shot. The only problem with it is that your client, Mrs. Crutcher, is 74-years-old. One thing I've learned about old people is that they don't wait very long for a settlement to come their way. They have a nasty habit of dying.
Stuart Markowitz: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Robert Boland: It means if you win this case, I'll appeal. If you win the appeal, I'll appeal the appeal, and so on and on. She keeps fighting, I keep holding out. The day it's finally settled, the day I finally become liquid is the day after Mrs. Crutcher croaks. Why do you think all my clients are only old people, huh?
Stuart Markowitz: You make me sick.
Robert Boland: I know. Spoken like a true lawyer who knows he can't get me. You want to do your old client some good? Cut your losses and take the five grand. Come on, Lisa, let's get out of here.
[Boland and his lawyer exit the conference room while Rollins slams his briefcase to the table in a rage, while Markowitz has a look of disbelief on his face]
Stuart Markowitz: [to Rollins] Whatever it takes Jonathan... I want you to nail that bastard!


"L.A. Law: Back to the Suture (#6.10)" (1992)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: He's been there 3 months?
Arnie Becker: According to Roxanne, who knew about this, Benny's been a pretty good parent. He even got the kid enrolled in school, that's a social services caught up with him. Benny couldn't show any proof of legal guardianship.
Stuart Markowitz: We're the real parents.
Arnie Becker: No father, mother's an alcoholic who abandoned him. The kid was living on the streets for 10 months.
Ann Kelsey: Oh, my God.
Arnie Becker: Look, I promise Benny we try to help get him back. Grace is going to handle it, since I could be a witness.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Wait a second. We're going to actually advocate that Benny keep this kid?
Grace Van Owen: Why not?
Ann Kelsey: What's wrong with that?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: He's mentally retarded.
Arnie Becker: I pledge this firm support, he gets it, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: All right. But please. People, under no circumstances is this firm to assume guardianship responsibilities. On a more soothing note, I'm please to announce that no charges will be filed against Tommy Mullaney in the self defense shooting of John Harvey.
[Leland was surprised]
Stuart Markowitz: That must be a relief.
Tommy Mullaney: Yeah.
Grace Van Owen: I'm so surprised, they even considered it.
Tommy Mullaney: Thanks. Thanks, guys.

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Uh, where are we Malone vs. West Side Medical at all.
Ann Kelsey: Deposition start today.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Any settlement offer to our client?
Ann Kelsey: Nothing worth mentioning.
Leland McKenzie: How much?
Ann Kelsey: 25,000.
Leland McKenzie: Should realistic to hope for mortgage account?
Ann Kelsey: Client doesn't want to.
Leland McKenzie: Well, don't you think she should?
Ann Kelsey: We're more concerned with stopping this guy from operating on anybody else, it's only a matter of time for he kill someone.
Tommy Mullaney: Is that the client talking of you?
Jonathan Rollins: Besides, isn't this guy is so unlike the top orthopedic surgeon in the universe?
Ann Kelsey: I've got a client who came out of surgery paralyzed for life. And the scrub nurse who says it's something weird happened to the universe's top orthopedic surgeon in the operating room that day, I'm gonna find out what.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Good for you.
Arnie Becker: Good for her, Mister Settlement? Mister, take the money and run?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Excuse me, believe it or not, I haven't to think there are certain things more important than money.
Stuart Markowitz: Douglas, are you feeling okay?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I'm on your side, Ann.
Ann Kelsey: Thank you, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Now that concludes our business. We're adjourned.
[Stuart closes his not and Ann closed the notebook. The meeting is over. Leland is waiting for awhile]


"L.A. Law: Where There's a Will (#7.14)" (1993)
[Back in downtown Los Angeles. Opening the door is Stuart have a word with Ann]
Stuart Markowitz: So they agree on the sentiment?
Ann Kelsey: Then it will re-release the book with both their names, the profits to be donated to a scholarship fund.
Stuart Markowitz: All for a pair of star-crossed lovers. You know, I, uh, I work with the Shakespeare company once.
Ann Kelsey: Really?
Stuart Markowitz: Oh, yeah, yeah. The, uh, some of them before law school.
Ann Kelsey: Lemme guess, Hamlet.
Stuart Markowitz: M-mm.
[Stuart chuckling]
Stuart Markowitz: I was the, uh, stage manager.
Ann Kelsey: Hmm.
Stuart Markowitz: You know. You need the sword, you need the bodkin, I'm your man.
Ann Kelsey: I've always loved your bodkin.
Stuart Markowitz: What about my sword?
[Ann laughing]
Ann Kelsey: What I want to know is, what would happen with us if I had made the first move?
Stuart Markowitz: You mean if you hadn't gone sloshed and drag me after your apartment?
Ann Kelsey: Yeah. You think you would have gone on like Camille and Simon just working side by side ever seeing the possibilities?
Stuart Markowitz: No way, I was gonna miss you. Not unless I was struck blind.
[Stuart laughing, Ann and Stuart hugged and kissed each other]

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Bancroft vs. Bennett.
Ann Kelsey: Camille Bancroft, a Shakespeare Professor at Stanford is suing her colleague Simon Bennett for unfair competition.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Over Shakespeare?
Ann Kelsey: Simon Bennett and Camille Bancroft have taught together for years, not long ago he published his own book, based on their teaching method.
Stuart Markowitz: That's a great book. Shakespeare in Love. Won the Pulitzer Prize.
Ann Kelsey: Right. Deposition start today, and I was hoping to reach a settlement, but Simon and Camille are like stubborn children. They always have been.
Leland McKenzie: Do you know them?
Ann Kelsey: My first year at Stanford, I majored in drama. Overtime, I kept in touch with Camille.
Arnie Becker: Shakespeare's so depressing, I mean the lovers are always doomed.
Gwen Taylor: They're dead.
Melina Paros: That's why they call 'em tragedy.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: All's well that ends well.
[Douglas closed his pocket watch that the time is up. The law meeting is adjourned]


"L.A. Law: The Venus Butterfly (#1.9)" (1986)
Angela Sipriano: You're going to find this interesting. Your original client was Mrs. Foster F. Troutman. He told her his middle name was Farrell. The one in Palm Springs is Mrs. Foster J. Troutman. He told her his middle named was James. The new ones I found are Mrs. Foster C for Charles, E for Errol, and K for Kenneth.
Arnie Becker: Alphabetical order?
Angela Sipriano: Exactly. Which means that there's most likely 11 of them. A, B, D, G, H, and I still unaccounted for.
Stuart Markowitz: And what about L through Z?
Arnie Becker: How the hell does he do it? Bee pollen?
Angela Sipriano: While we're on that subject, what Mr. Foster does is that he takes their stuff. Jewelry, furs, cars, etc., report them stolen, live on the settlement from the insurance company, and he gives the stolen item to another wife as a gift.
Stuart Markowitz: You know, I'm not a violent man by nature... but boy, what I would really enjoy is five minutes alone in an elevator with this guy!
[Markowitz slams his right fist into his left hand simulating a punch]
Angela Sipriano: Me too. But not for the same reason. I'd like to find out what the big attraction is.

[Becker, Markowitz, and Kelsey are loudly arguing over which one of them will get the late Norman Chaney's office]
Arnie Becker: I had dibs on this office the day he croaked!
Stuart Markowitz: Forget it, Arnie! It doesn't work that way!
Ann Kelsey: You move in here Arnie, and I will scratch the paint off your Porsche!
[McKenzie enters]
Leland McKenzie: SHUT UP!
[Becker, Markowitz and Kelsey are now silent]
Leland McKenzie: Do you realize that your bickering can be heard throughout the complex? Keep this in mind: if you three cannot find some mature and intelligent matter in which to settle this within the next three minutes, this office will be turned into a conference room!
[McKenzie exits and closes the office door shut]
Arnie Becker: All right. Under the circumstances and given the absence of time, there is only one way to settle this.
Ann Kelsey: What?
[Becker removes his suit jacket and holds out his clenched fists]
Stuart Markowitz: Arnie!
Arnie Becker: Come on, we haven't got a lot of time. Get 'em out there. Get them out!
[Markowitz and Kelsey hold out their fists and it is shown that they are playing 'potatos']
Arnie Becker: One potato/two potato/three potato/four. Five potato/six potato/seven potato/more.
[to Kelsey]
Arnie Becker: Out. One potato/two potato/three potato/more. Five potato/six potato/seven potato... more.
Stuart Markowitz: [to Becker; smirks] Out.


"L.A. Law: Splatoon (#5.9)" (1991)
[Markowitz stomps out a fire that Brackman has lit]
Stuart Markowitz: I said no fire! You want us all to be killed in our sleep?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Painted, not killed, Stuart. Worse case scenario: we get painted in our sleep.
Stuart Markowitz: And you think that's nothing? Tell that to the Cobras.
[Markowitz produces four 'kill-chip' badges and lays them out to them]
Jonathan Rollins: You killed FOUR more guys?
Stuart Markowitz: I'm going back out on recon. Jonathan, get two hours sleep. Douglas, you stand guard. Get up in the tree so you won't fall asleep.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: What? I'm not climbing any tree.
Stuart Markowitz: Get in the tree, Douglas! I'll be back!

Referee: Here are your kill chips. You get killed, you hand it over to the guy who 'kills' you. You kill that guy, you take his chip. Any questions?
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, is there like a snack bar out there someplace?


"L.A. Law: Bare Witness (#7.11)" (1993)
Ann Kelsey: Stuart, you gotta be aggressive of...
Stuart Markowitz: Let me get my coat.
A.D.A. Tommy Mullaney: Ann, I'm worried. Getting Stuart to talk about the attack was like pulling teeth, you saw that. Cigarette?
Ann Kelsey: No, thanks.
A.D.A. Tommy Mullaney: I tried to quit smoking.
Ann Kelsey: Stuart will be ready. Besides, we got another eyewitness.
A.D.A. Tommy Mullaney: Maureen Wilson?
Ann Kelsey: Yeah.
A.D.A. Tommy Mullaney: Frankly, I'm not sure how she'll hold up during cross.
Ann Kelsey: What about Adam Baybour? You spend 3 hours pepping his testimony.
A.D.A. Tommy Mullaney: Still all testifying.
Ann Kelsey: Hasn't the DA's office ever heard of a subpoena?
[Tommy checked that Stuart is coming]
Ann Kelsey: Sorry.
A.D.A. Tommy Mullaney: Lots of people were there watching your husband get played like a bungler drum. Check as always been finding someone to stand up to the gangs, and I.D. the suspects. I know how your feel. I went to bounds over for trial, too.
Stuart Markowitz: [Coming out] Okay.
[Looking at Stuart]
Stuart Markowitz: What?
Ann Kelsey: Nothing.
Stuart Markowitz: You want to remind me again how I'm suppose to perform in court?
Ann Kelsey: Stuart, that's not what I'm...
Stuart Markowitz: Like to train seal, Ann Kelsey's animal act.
A.D.A. Tommy Mullaney: Folks, we gonna be late.


"L.A. Law: Captain Hurt (#4.2)" (1989)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Since we can assume that Michael's loss to us for the duration of this trial. Victor, would you make sure that is more drab less newsworthy cases don't require immediate attention?
Victor Sifuentes: Will do.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Ah, Benny, very good. Just set it down right here.
[Benny bought fresh fruit]
Ann Kelsey: Good god! Where the togas?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: People, you can't eat too much fresh fruit. I want the content to cleanse the gastrointestinal tract. Zero cholesterol. These are things, we need to pay attention to try though, we might to ignore them. In fact, I have instructed Benny to put fruit in all our offices.
Leland McKenzie: Thank you, Douglas. Can we move on with the meeting?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Ah, Hammond vs. Hammond. Arnold?
Arnie Becker: Yeah. Hotshot architect walks out on wife and child, I should be able to carve out a major counsel fee. Whatever midsection.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: You're here, having just seen the quarterly reports, whether we were all doing likewise.
Leland McKenzie: Yes, uh, Stuart, you might fill us in a few, these horrible tales.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, uh, have grossed income is down 11%, malpractice premiums are up again. And, uh, is this balloon payment due next month and the office renovations
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: We're sluggish and bloated. We need to be lean and mean. On that, we're adjourned.
[Douglas eating a fresh strawberry]


"L.A. Law: Outward Bound (#4.21)" (1990)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Will Rosalind be joining?
Leland McKenzie: Uh, no. No, she won't. As a matter a fact, Rosalind has ask me to informed you all, she'll be leaving by the end of the week.
Arnie Becker: She's taking all those clients with her?
Leland McKenzie: Yes.
[Benny has serve some danishes on the plate. Ann ask Benny how his show of The Wizard of Oz going so far]
Ann Kelsey: So, Benny, how's the show going?
Benny Stulwicz: Good.
Stuart Markowitz: You're shopping for an agent yet?
Benny Stulwicz: No.
[Benny felt bad. And he left the meeting]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: What's with him?
Leland McKenzie: Can we get started?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Cavanaugh vs. Smyth.
Michael Kuzak: And we go today. It's gonna be a tough one.
Arnie Becker: I'm surprised you're even taken it to trial.
Michael Kuzak: Well, outing makes some people pretty mad, Arnie, and particularly the out he...
Jonathan Rollins: What is outing?
Michael Kuzak: There some gay activists like the defendant who believed in forcing other gays to come out of the closet. Sometimes it's gay, politicians who don't support gay causes other times it's just people that they want everyone to know they are gay.
Abby Perkins: Sounds nasty.


"L.A. Law: Odor in the Court (#7.9)" (1993)
Roxanne Melman: You want some ice cream?
Stuart Markowitz: I don't usually eat sweets in the afternoon. Sugar highs, sugar lows, less calories.
Roxanne Melman: This isn't a life choice.
Stuart Markowitz: Ice cream will be nice.
[Stuart will sit down and open the lid of ice cream]
Roxanne Melman: Stuart. Is something wrong?
Stuart Markowitz: What? Just seem like a joke?
Roxanne Melman: No. No, it's just that, ever since you made the turn on your recovery, you seemed, well...
Stuart Markowitz: Unhappy.
Roxanne Melman: Uh-huh.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah. Uh, uh, even though I feel better. Um... I felt better.
Roxanne Melman: I'm not sure what you mean exactly.
Stuart Markowitz: I'm - I'm thinking more. Not so much introspective. Just, uh, unwilling to take things for granted, curious about the way things work, you know. Like, uh, why's an electricity always there? Or - or - or, gravity. How come we don't just goofs spitting off the planet? That's how crazy.
Roxanne Melman: Uh-uh.
Stuart Markowitz: Good.
[They now eating ice cream with chocolate fudge sundaes. But Stuart pours some Chocolate syrup in his mouth. Taste delicious]
Stuart Markowitz: Excellent.
Roxanne Melman: [laughing] Instant chocolate sundae.
Stuart Markowitz: Ann would kill me, if I had a Hershey's squirt at home.
Roxanne Melman: Ann would kill you, she saw you doing it here, too.


"L.A. Law: Ex-Wives and Videotape (#4.14)" (1990)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Moving on. Michael, where are we on the Earl Williams' appeal?
Michael Kuzak: Earl on arguments before the Supreme Court of California tomorrow 11 o'clock. Victor will be second chair.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Are we still doing the mood for it in preparation?
Michael Kuzak: This morning. You, Victor and Stuart is the judges, I hope you just look over the briefs.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I studied them.
Michael Kuzak: Good. I want you be as tough as you can. I'll be giving you a list as the issues that I believe the judges will be coming at me with, so whatever questions, you can call up with very helpful.
Arnie Becker: I think you really got a shot?
Michael Kuzak: Yeah.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Moving on. Major Kudos to Rosalind Shays. She's officially landed Anderson Industries as a client. This is the second largest steel distribution company in the country and potentially, the biggest client we've ever had.
Stuart Markowitz: That's terrific.
Arnie Becker: Way the go, Ros.
Rosalind Shays: [laughing] Thank you. I have a meeting with the CEO on Wednesday and I suspect that he'll put us right to work.
Leland McKenzie: That's fantastic.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: It certainly is. And moving from the fantastic to the incredible, Arnold, you have a case involving Rochelle Peters?
Arnie Becker: Yeah, I'm representing her ex-husband.
Leland McKenzie: Is that the Rochelle Peters of the Evening News 7 o'clock?
Arnie Becker: Very one. And this is good. Evidently, Miss Peters did some anchoring before different kinda camera.
Abby Perkins: Don't tell me.
Arnie Becker: Home videos. Between she and her husband when they were just newlyweds in the act. The other act in a simultaneous acting we cut to 5 years later, husband becomes ex-husband, he has something all the adult film entertainment companies would like to have you, he wants to sell, she slapped him with a restraining order.
Ann Kelsey: That's despicable.


"L.A. Law: Happy Trails (#5.2)" (1990)
Stuart Markowitz: Arnie, Douglas?
[Stuart brings Gwen Taylor]
Stuart Markowitz: You know this young lady, don't you?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Oh, yes, hello.
Gwen Taylor: Hello. Hi, Arnie.
Arnie Becker: Gwen, what brings you?
Stuart Markowitz: I just hired her.
Arnie Becker: Oh, great. Great.
Gwen Taylor: So, how's marry life treating you?
Arnie Becker: Good. Uh, very good.
Gwen Taylor: Good. Good.


"L.A. Law: I'm in the Nude for Love (#3.8)" (1989)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Moving along, Malay vs. Century Partners Limited.
Stuart Markowitz: That's actually, uh, Abby's case. I'm doing a little tax work on it for her.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Abby Perkins is hiring McKenzie, Brackman to work for her?
Stuart Markowitz: That is correct, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Am I assuming we're to be compensated for these services?
Stuart Markowitz: Also correct, you're assuming that.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Ben Ray, Jamie Ferguson?
Victor Sifuentes: Doctor takes the stand today.
Ann Kelsey: How's it going, Victor?
Victor Sifuentes: It's rough, Ann. Real rough.
Michael Kuzak: This is the girl in the coma, right?
Victor Sifuentes: Mm-hmm.
Stuart Markowitz: Forgive me, but I can't see forcing anybody to stay alive like that.
Ann Kelsey: Euthanasia's illegal, Stuart. You can't just kill somebody because...
Arnie Becker: Even her parents want her to die.
Victor Sifuentes: So where do we draw the line? First we stop killing coma patients, and then what? Babies with down syndrome? Retarded people?
Jonathan Rollins: Come on, Victor, the woman's practically brain-dead. If your own parents wanna pull the plug, who are you to say no?
Leland McKenzie: Now we are representing the hospital. This is the firm's client, not just Victor's. Which means to the extent that this draws any questions from the press directed anyone of you, you recite the company line, your personal feelings aside. On-the-record, we stand committed to keeping Jamie Ferguson alive. On-the-record, the taking of a human life is wrong. That is the client's position therefore it is our position. Are we understood?
Arnie Becker: Yeah.
[Dorothy listen quietly]
Leland McKenzie: Good. Move along, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: That's it. We're adjourned.
[They are all dismissed with the Conference meeting]


"L.A. Law: To Live and Diet in L.A. (#3.7)" (1989)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Moving along, has anyone heard from the long lost Mr. Kuzak?
Victor Sifuentes: I have.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: And? Is he pondering the error of his ways?
Victor Sifuentes: Yeah, I think so. He's planning to go fishing.
Arnie Becker: Life's a bitch, ain't it?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Victor, where are we on Jacobs vs. Teller?
Victor Sifuentes: I'm deposing Mr. Teller this morning.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Jonathan, the deforest motion?
Jonathan Rollins: Still pending.
Leland McKenzie: Well... who's the judge on that one?
Jonathan Rollins: Steven Lang.
Leland McKenzie: Well, let me see. Let me call his clerk.
[Leland will telephone to Judge Lang's clerk]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Ms. Wyler, how go to the McNally Interrogatories?
Dorothy Wyler: The responses have all been drafted and sent to the client for his review. I'm getting his notes this afternoon and the revisions will be ready for his signature tomorrow morning.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Very good. Very good!
Secretary: Ms. Kelsey, there's a collect call for you.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Excuse me?
Ann Kelsey: I'll take it.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Lastly, having been accused in past years of stinting on our Christmas festivities, I gladly bow to majority will and relinquish control of our annual party to our crock financial watchdog, Stuart Markowitz. Well, the final figures of our 1988 party are in. And his able hands, we soared passed our budget by a full 41%.
Stuart Markowitz: Excuse me, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: It was a joke.


"L.A. Law: Finish Line (#8.22)" (1994)
Stuart Markowitz: The fact that he's in today. Should tell you most of what you need to know.
Ann Kelsey: What does that tell you?
Stuart Markowitz: Well, he was only out 3 days. That's to tell you that there was no invasive surgery. And that's to tell you there was no metastasized tumor.
Eli Levinson: How do you know so much about this?
Stuart Markowitz: Oh, I've been in consultation all week. Uh, very good friend of mine wanna believing urologist out here spoken with him. I've spoken with Mel Silverblatt when you know he's at sloan-ketting.
Patrick Flanagan: You convinced his prostate cancer?
Stuart Markowitz: Oh, absolutely prostate.
Denise Iannello: Well, look just so I know, what a student surprise birthday party, I've got a lot of organizing to do.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Let's see how he is when it comes in.
Ann Kelsey: Maybe it's his 65th Birthday, that merit to celebrate with some sort, no matter how he is.
Stuart Markowitz: I'm sure he's fine.
[Leland have arrived]
Eli Levinson: Leland, welcome back.
Leland McKenzie: Thank you. Uh, carry on.


"L.A. Law: The Princess and the Wiener King (#1.4)" (1986)
Stuart Markowitz: I have a confession. I'm rich.


"L.A. Law: F.O.B. (#7.15)" (1993)
Arnie Becker: They're lot of ways I can go with this porn. I can become an Independent Producer, I can become an agent.
Gwen Taylor: I thought you're having been a Studio Executive, Arnie.
Arnie Becker: Gwen, in show-business, a sense of complacency is a very dangerous thing.
Ann Kelsey: I'm thinking of opening a restaurant.
Jonathan Rollins: A restaurant?
Ann Kelsey: Yeah. These guys has started the California Pizza Kitchen, we're both lawyers.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: What kind of restaurant?
Ann Kelsey: I don't know yet.
Stuart Markowitz: What about Fast Food Jewish?
Daniel Morales: Fast Food Jewish?
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, absolutely. I'd think it'll be great to be able to walk up to a counter and get a little paper cone filled with Kasha varnishkes.
[Melina laughs]
Jonathan Rollins: Well, I know that something I've always want to do.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well, shall we get started? Falcone vs. Falcone.
Arnie Becker: Yeah, another divorce. I'm meeting with the woman for the first time today. I'll try to dispose of it as painlessly as possible. I'm really not up for a fight.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: People vs. Quinn.
Daniel Morales: That's my murder case. The jury's picked, we go to trial later today.
Ann Kelsey: Are you still holding with the plea of temporary insanity?
Daniel Morales: I don't believe in it, but it's all I got.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Samuels vs. San Fernando Psychiatric.
Ann Kelsey: Uh, all I know is the - this is a negligence action and Samuels knows some people in the Clinton Administration.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Whether we knew some people in the Clinton Administration. Mickey Kantor and Warren Christopher, both came out of L.A. Law firms, they tap in all kinds of people from here to do all kinds of things. What do we get? Nothing.


"L.A. Law: Mutinies on the Banzai (#5.17)" (1991)
Leland McKenzie: [Returning here at the Conference room meeting] What's this about?
Michael Kuzak: The Partners excluding Douglas have a proposal that we'd like to offer formally pursuant to Article 11, Section 3 of the Partnership Agreement.
Leland McKenzie: I wasn't aware that you even read the partnership agreement, Michael.
[Michael will proposal it to Stuart who would read the letter]
Michael Kuzak: Stuart?
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah. "9 weeks ago, the partners have this firm convened to address you, Leland McKenzie with our concerns regarding your leadership for this law firm. You responded to these concerns by appointing Douglas Brackman as Pro Temp Senior Partner for a 6 week period, while you attended to expanding our client base. No such expansion occurred. Now after 9 weeks, you have unilaterally extended Douglas as Senior Partner tenure to open-ended term, again without consulting the other partners you made a designation which affects all our interests, we feel we have no choice now but to call on you and the Executive Committee, schedule a new vote. Which vote would serve to either confirm your position or intern elect a new Senior Partner. Signed, Michael Kuzak, Arnold Becker, Stuart Markowitz, Ann Kelsey, and Grace Van Owen".
Leland McKenzie: Why you obviously all gotten together here. Who do you plan to vote in?
[the decision is their to decide. Either one. Ann choose is Michael]
Ann Kelsey: Michael.
Michael Kuzak: Douglas will remain as Administrative Partner. Leland, you would go to being up Counsel.
Leland McKenzie: You think you can just push me up?
Grace Van Owen: This isn't a push, Leland. It's a proposal.
Michael Kuzak: This is your firm. The decision is yours. Will abide by it. Which is what you know.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: This is an ambush.
Ann Kelsey: It's not an ambush. We are all on the same side. We all want what's best for the firm.
Leland McKenzie: Do any of you think you really know how to run a firm? It is in all just trying cases and... and collecting fee is a hell a lot more involved!
Michael Kuzak: Again, Leland, we're not pushing you out. To the contrary, we would be counting on your guidance in making the transition to the new leadership.
Leland McKenzie: You go straight to hell, Michael!
[Leland heads back to his office. And what's Douglas' decision?]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I take that as a no.


"L.A. Law: Parent Trap (#7.12)" (1993)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Anybody know the whereabouts of our Mr. Morales?
Gwen Taylor: He had a pro bono arraignment this morning.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Then let's begin. First, People vs. Emory Lewis and Gary Stubbs. I should hope those animals who beat you will finally get convicted.
Stuart Markowitz: Unfortunately, the eyewitness backed out, she's afraid of reprisals from neighborhood kids if she testify.
Ann Kelsey: That shouldn't affect our case. Stuart was really convincing at the prelim health do even better at trial tomorrow.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Next. Marciante vs. Bernheim Memorial Hospital.
Jonathan Rollins: That's mine. Anthony Marciante's girlfriend is brain dead after the automobile accident. She's also 18 weeks pregnant.
Gwen Taylor: And being used as an incubator to bring the baby to a term, I caught those stories in the news, that's grotesque.
Jonathan Rollins: We're seeking a court order to keep her body functioning long enough to deliver the baby. However, the girlfriend's mother wants to pull the plug and bury your daughter.
Arnie Becker: Well, I agree, the woman's dead, for God's sake.
Jonathan Rollins: Arnie, we're talking about a potential human life. Mr. Marciante wants to be a father.
Gwen Taylor: You should have thought about that before driving himself and his girlfriend off the road drunk.
Ann Kelsey: He killed her and now he wants to...
Jonathan Rollins: It was an accident.
Stuart Markowitz: He's still has rights.
Arnie Becker: So's the girl's mother.
Melina Paros: What about the baby?
Leland McKenzie: All right, folks, we're all in the same team.
[But Daniel Morales has arrived late in the meeting]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Mr. Morales? Honor that you can join us? How's the arraignment?
Daniel Morales: Um, People vs. Alejandro Cruz, he's charged with the shooting a news vender who refuse to pay protection money.
Leland McKenzie: Any extenuating circumstances, Daniel?
Daniel Morales: No, Leland, not really, I'm trying to have Cruz tried in the Juvenile, but right now that's looking doubtful.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well, if there's no other business. We're adjourned.
[Douglas closed his gold hunter case from the pocket watch that the time is up]


"L.A. Law: Beauty and Obese (#2.13)" (1988)
Jonathan Rollins: [on TV] No, no Gina. That just they way they are.
Gina Westland: It's sounds like they're incompetent.
Jonathan Rollins: No, not incompetent, just amusing. We have one partner I won't mention names but... it's Brackman! He keeps having extramarital affairs. He even slept with his female bailiff when he was a small claims court judge.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: [watching on the TV] Oh, God! OH, GOD!
Jonathan Rollins: [on the TV] And our divorce lawyer Arnold Becker beds down with around 90% of his female clients.
Arnie Becker: [watching the TV] Son of a bitch!
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: He's fired!
Jonathan Rollins: [on TV] And we have two partners, Ann Kelsey and Stuart Markowitz, that sleep with each other.
Gina Westland: Come on!
Jonathan Rollins: They are married, but I heard it was a shotgun wedding.
Ann Kelsey: That bastard!
Stuart Markowitz: I'll kill him!
Jonathan Rollins: [on TV] But you know what really gets me? It's that none of them... NONE of them can tell the difference between a live broadcast... and a videotaped gag. Gotcha!
Arnie Becker: What the...?
Jonathan Rollins: [on the TV to the lawyers] I know I got you!


"L.A. Law: God Is My Co-Counsel (#8.14)" (1994)
Stuart Markowitz: It's still brooding. Why you still brooding?
Ann Kelsey: I'm not brooding.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, you are. Ever since I said whatever was I said about you dress, you're beautiful on brew.
[Stuart comforts Ann sitting alone]
Ann Kelsey: It was a painful thing to hear, Stuart.
Stuart Markowitz: Mine. You know they still have desire for you, don't you?
Ann Kelsey: I guess I don't know it as much as I used to know it.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, well, there's a lot of things that aren't there used to be, huh?
[Stuart take a seat and talk with Ann for a minute]
Ann Kelsey: Like what else?
Stuart Markowitz: Like one's desire doesn't come to the fore as often as I used to. We work hard all day. You got the kid at home. Retired. Our stamina has to what it used to be.
[Ann turned to her husband]
Ann Kelsey: I don't wanna require stamina, Stuart. I don't want our marriage to be something that we endure.
Stuart Markowitz: Why do you read these vast gloomy passages and everything I say? There will be periods of time when the fire is out. Yes. But that doesn't mean I don't love you. It doesn't mean I don't desire you. It probably does mean that I'm tired.
Ann Kelsey: Fine.
Stuart Markowitz: And now she says fine. And now she is not gonna let up on me. Because I haven't demonstrated the requisite amount of sympathy, or passion, or whatever the hell it is, I'm suppose to demonstrate.
[Stuart gets up and walk]
Stuart Markowitz: I'll tell you something , Honey, demonstrations are passion, you're suppose to arise spontaneously. And it doesn't help matters that I live in fear offending you all the time. That I think you're gonna jump down my throat. Every time I might make an inappropriate remark. Think about that. And think about what you might have done. If the fire's out, to put it out.
[Stuart walks away. And Ann looks shock]


"L.A. Law: That's Why the Lady Is a Stamp (#7.17)" (1993)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: All right, folks, busy day today. Let's get on with it. The Craig Estate.
Leland McKenzie: I'll handle that myself, Douglas.
Stuart Markowitz: I'm available if you need me.
Leland McKenzie: Well, thank you. Given the length of time that I have known the family. I think Vivian would be more comfortable. She had to deal only with me.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Moving on. McAlister vs. the United States Postal Service.
Melina Paros: Brian McAlister's wife was shot and killed by a deranged co-worker.
Ann Kelsey: What's the cause of action?
Melina Paros: Wrongful death.
Jonathan Rollins: If the corks deranged, how do you get liability on the part of the Post Office?
Melina Paros: Negligent, supervision, together with a particularly high-stress work environment.
Arnie Becker: Excuse me, the Post Office is high stress?
Melina Paros: The way it's run now, it is.
Arnie Becker: Hey, delivering the mail is not high stress. This is high stress. What we do is high-stress.
Jonathan Rollins: And I think that at least a few of us here are probably deranged as a result of.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Melina, wasn't this matter supposed to be settled?
Melina Paros: It's not for want of trying that isn't, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Unfortunately, what that means for us is that you're going to be consumed with a trial.
Melina Paros: You worried about Southern Pacific statement.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: You're right.
Leland McKenzie: What's the problem?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: The problem is we've been called in by the General Counsel to perfect an appeal and the clock is ticking.


"L.A. Law: Whistle Stop (#8.21)" (1994)
Leland McKenzie: And he went down to the police station to make what he thought was a routine statement, they arrested him for murder.
Stuart Markowitz: And he didn't tell you anymore than that.
Jonathan Rollins: Uh, not on the phone.
Jonathan Rollins: This is unbelievable.
Patrick Flanagan: Has a bail hearing be set?
Leland McKenzie: The DA's office has playing games. I'm going there this morning to see Holzman.
Jane Halliday: You mean he might have to spend the night in jail?
Leland McKenzie: It is a distinct possibility?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Once it's set, Ann, can you handle the bail hearing?
Ann Kelsey: Sure, the only problem is they won't be able to talk to Arnie until this afternoon in court all morning.
Jane Halliday: I'll - I'll go talk to him.
Leland McKenzie: Jonathan, you should talk to the police. Find out the names of all the officers involved. Get as much as you can.
Jonathan Rollins: Right.
Stuart Markowitz: We may also need the services of a private investigator.
Eli Levinson: I'll call Jinx.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: All of Arnold's active clients need to be contacted reassured and, uh, assigned to other members at the firm, until Arnold is available again.
Leland McKenzie: You and I should make those calls, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: And under no circumstances, should anyone talk to the press. I wish you were a statement and emphasizing our supportant belief in Arnold's innocence.
Patrick Flanagan: I can do that, I have some contact with the LA Times.
Stuart Markowitz: I'll talk to the office staff.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Good.
[Douglas has closed his gold hunter case pocket watch that the time is up]


"L.A. Law: One Rat, One Ranger (#4.5)" (1989)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Dorian vs. Togetherness Dating Service.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, that's mine. What year is complete, we go to trial this afternoon.
Leland McKenzie: This case really can't be settled, Stuart?
Stuart Markowitz: No, the conscience, I wouldn't recommend it, Leland.
Leland McKenzie: Why not?
Stuart Markowitz: Because the gravamen of the plaintiff's case is such, that we're going beat her cold.
Jonathan Rollins: Could not still end up costing us more than a settlement?
Stuart Markowitz: Mm-mm. Not if I'm successful and my motions for cost this person's legal fees, plus, let's not forget. If resettle, there'll be more plaintiffs coming out of woodwork.
Arnie Becker: Gravamen?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Giant Sequoia Taurus Council vs. Giant Sequoia beverages.
Abby Perkins: That's mine, we're representing a small mineral water company that's being sued for using the name Giant Sequoia. They claim is the fraudulent misrepresentation where the water comes from.
Victor Sifuentes: Where does it come from?
Abby Perkins: I also got to know.