Arnie Becker
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Quotes for
Arnie Becker (Character)
from "L.A. Law" (1986)

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"L.A. Law: Whistle Stop (#8.21)" (1994)
[Here at the police department next to the interrogation room. Arnie is here with two detectives]
Detective Matosian: Thanks very much for coming on such short notice. You sure don't want some coffee?
Arnie Becker: No, no thank you.
Detective Matosian: At this stage, we're just questioning anyone over recent dealings with Ms. Greer. Please sit down.
[Arnie take a seat and was questioning by 2 detectives for interrogation about Carmilla Greer's death]

Detective Matosian: [Continue the lines] So, when did you last see her?
Arnie Becker: Uh, 2 days ago.
Detective Matosian: Or the circumstances?
Arnie Becker: It involved a legal matter.
Detective Matosian: Was it how you and Ms. Greer know each other this, uh, this legal matter?
Arnie Becker: Uh, actually we met several years ago, a mutual friend introduced us.
Detective Matosian: How often did you see her after that?
Arnie Becker: Hmm, 4-5 times, uh, all social occasion.
Detective: Were you a client?
Arnie Becker: Uh, no, no. Our relationship was strictly social.
Detective: She never procured anyone to accommodate your particular taste in women?
Arnie Becker: What's that supposed to mean?
Detective Matosian: We hear comes to women, or something of a rough rider.
Arnie Becker: What?
Detective Matosian: Did Ms. Greer ever tried to extort money from you in exchange for keeping your relationship secret?
Arnie Becker: Look, I came down here voluntarily someone who happened to know the deceased. If I'm a suspect, I should have damn well be told before you start asking me questions.
Detective: You are a suspect, Mr. Becker.
Arnie Becker: Based on what?
Detective Matosian: Based on the fact that you were seen leaving Carmilla Greer's home last night. 2 hours before her body was found.
Detective: You want to tell us what you were doing there?
Arnie Becker: I'm not answer anymore questions.
Detective: All right. At this point, I have to inform you that you are under arrest for the murder of Carmilla Greer.
Arnie Becker: What?
Detective: You have a right to remain silent, if you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. You have a right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you free of charge. Now do you understand each of these rights as I've explaining to you?
[Arnie Becker is arrested for the murder of Carmilla Greer and someone here appeared in the window of the interrogation room that followed him is the Assistant D.A. Belinda Fox for personal malice]

[Here at the L.A. County Jail, the guard brings Arnie to have someone here to see Arnie is Jane Halliday for questioning. They talked in the glass wall while speaking in the telephone receiver]
Arnie Becker: Get me out of here.
Jane Halliday: Everything's being handled. You need to tell me what happened.
Arnie Becker: Cops asked me to come down here for a routine questioning. I cooperated and, uh, next thing I know they accused me of being one of Carmilla's customers.
Jane Halliday: Were you a customer?
Arnie Becker: No.
Jane Halliday: Did the police give you any indication as to why they consider you a suspect?
Arnie Becker: [sighed] Last night, I went to Carmilla Greer's on behalf of Frank Askoff. I found her dead. I left. Apparently, someone's told me.
Jane Halliday: You didn't report it.
Arnie Becker: Frank and I heard me large part to protect its reputation. I didn't want to associate myself, my extension him to prostitutes murder.
Jane Halliday: Do you think that Frank could have killed her?
Arnie Becker: I don't know. Certainly have motive. But I know Carmilla, he wasn't the only one, look, I got to talk to Frank.
Jane Halliday: Okay. I'll let you know as soon as the bail hearing set.
Arnie Becker: Do we know what the DA's in charge my case?
Jane Halliday: Someone named Belinda Fox.
[Arnie remembers it well]
Jane Halliday: Did you know her?
Arnie Becker: Yeah, I know her.

Ann Kelsey: Your Honor, the defense ask that Mr. Becker's bail be set at $100,000. My client had numerous ties to this community not to at least which is the long-standing partnership in the law firm of McKenzie, Brackman, as such he does not represent a flight risk.
A.D.A. Belinda Fox: Respectively, Your Honor, the people disagreed. Mr. Becker has financial means and the connections to leave this country quickly and quietly. We ask that he be held without bail.
Ann Kelsey: Ask the counsel, explain her reference to financial means and connections, Your Honor.
Judge Herman Keene: Ms. Fox?
A.D.A. Belinda Fox: Mr. Becker's salaries in the high six figures, and he owns property into visa.
Ann Kelsey: Although the defendant will gladly give up his passport, I would ask the counsel explain how she knows this things about my client.
A.D.A. Belinda Fox: He told me.
Judge Herman Keene: In the context of your investigation of this case?
A.D.A. Belinda Fox: In the context of a conversation we had prior to his arrest.
Ann Kelsey: This brings us to our second motion, Your Honor, we ask that the court order the District Attorney's Office to disqualify Ms. Fox as prosecutor in this case.
Judge Herman Keene: Why would I do that, Ms. Kelsey?
Ann Kelsey: She was recently involved in the romantic relationship with my client which ended rather badly. We believed that her resulting animus makes it impossible for her prosecute this case and unbiased manner.
A.D.A. Belinda Fox: Your Honor, my relationship with Mr. Becker was inconsequential and has no bearing on this case. These charges were bought against the defendant because he was seen leaving the scene of the murder by two investigators for the District Attorney's Office, his fingerprints were found throughout the victim's house and on the victim's body.
Ann Kelsey: And who was it that assigned the investigators to follow him in the first place?
A.D.A. Belinda Fox: I did.
Judge Herman Keene: For what reason?
A.D.A. Belinda Fox: Mr. Becker is the subject of an ongoing investigation for obstructing justice...
Arnie Becker: [Protesting] That is a total sham! This woman is out to get me! That is the only reason that I'm here!
Judge Herman Keene: Ms. Kelsey, please advise your client. These outbursts are in no way helping his case.
Ann Kelsey: I'm sure he understands that, Your Honor.
Judge Herman Keene: All right. As to this motion for disqualification, I want supporting papers filed by both sides. I'll take that matter under advisement. As to the issue of bail, I do not believe that Arnold Becker represents a flight risk, and therefore I'm gonna set bail on this matter. Due to the seriousness of the crime, I'm gonna order bail be set in the sum of $500,000. All right. Let's call the next case, please.

[Arnie Becker heads back to the law office. After was he was released from jail and out on bail, the woman hands in the slip to Arnie, but find out what does Frank Askoff doing in his office. Frank was looking at the window, and he turned to Arnie and find out what happened]
Frank Askoff: Arnie, I called and I heard it on the news.
Arnie Becker: You and everybody I ever knew.
Frank Askoff: [sighs] Well, what happened?
Arnie Becker: I went there to make the offer. I found her dead.
Frank Askoff: You didn't say anything to the police about me, did you?
Arnie Becker: Attorney-client privilege obtains I didn't violate your competence.
Frank Askoff: I - I appreciate that.
Arnie Becker: Attorney-client privilege does not obtain when the attorney has to defend himself.
Frank Askoff: Whoa. Uh - Nah - You mean you're not my lawyer anymore?
Arnie Becker: That's right. One of the principal components and my defenses could be pointing the finger at someone else. As far as I'm concerned, whoever was in Carmilla's book is a potential suspect.
Frank Askoff: It's gonna be hard to know who they all are, I mean, I imagine whoever killed her are also got rid of the book.
Arnie Becker: Was it you, Frank?
Frank Askoff: What do you mean?
Arnie Becker: I mean, was it you?
Frank Askoff: I take it you're asking me this not as my lawyer, huh?
Arnie Becker: I'm asking you this is someone who's been arrested for murder.
Frank Askoff: [sighs] Look, you're not gonna make this thing stick. I mean, if you didn't do it, they're not going to convict you
Arnie Becker: Sometimes that equation doesn't hold true.
Frank Askoff: Well, it wasn't me, okay? It wasn't me.
[Frank is lying]
Arnie Becker: So you know, I'm going back to defending myself with everything this office has to bear. That means top-flight trial lawyers, it means private investigators. Whatever it takes, I will prove that I did not commit this murder.
Frank Askoff: Well, no doubt you will.

Jinx Baldasseri: Okay. I'll put a tail on him starting tonight.
Ann Kelsey: We have to be prepared for the possibility if he's leaving the country.
Leland McKenzie: Yes, at this point, there's nothing we can do to prevent that. So practice movements.
Jinx Baldasseri: Hmm. That I can do.
Eli Levinson: Are we looking into any of her other clients?
Jinx Baldasseri: I'm gonna talk to some others girls, see if I could start piecing together a list.
Jane Halliday: You think it was Frank, though?
Arnie Becker: Yes, I do.
Leland McKenzie: Well, until we have something definite, we mustn't overlook anything.
Arnie Becker: I wanna ride along with you when you tell him.
Ann Kelsey: What for?
Arnie Becker: 'Cause I wanna watch him with my own eyes.
Jinx Baldasseri: What is it you think all of a sudden when I wanna miss something?
Arnie Becker: Jinx, if I can gain some insight by riding along with you and thereby system my own defense, I think it's probably time well spent.
Jinx Baldasseri: I'll be in front of the building at 5:30 p.m.
Eli Levinson: I guess there's no reason for me to come along in that case.
Jinx Baldasseri: Was there ever?
[Jinx will be back. Eli will be prepared to be there with Arnie]

Eli Levinson: Remember Gene Hackman, The French Connection? He was on the street, eating pizza, drink coffee, or Fernando Rey with a restaurant. Remember that?
Arnie Becker: What's he doing in there?
Jinx Baldasseri: He's finding magazines.
Arnie Becker: He's taking this sweet time.
Eli Levinson: Would it be out of the question for me over there to buy magazine?
Jinx Baldasseri: Completely out of the question. I have an idea. Why don't you boys go home and I gonna bring a full report in the morning.
[Taking pictures of Frank Askoff at the newsstand]
Arnie Becker: I got to use the bathroom.
Jinx Baldasseri: There's a bar half a block off and try not to let him see you.
[Arnie will be back]
Eli Levinson: Boy, you really knew where it was kind of thing, don't you?
Jinx Baldasseri: Why are you here, Eli?
Eli Levinson: I told you I want to keep an eye on Arnie.
Jinx Baldasseri: Right. I want you to tell me the real reason.
Eli Levinson: What if I said I hope to rekindle the spark used to be there between us?
Jinx Baldasseri: I'd say it's an unfailing entertainment to do.
Eli Levinson: That's all right. I've managed to lay a foundation is that rekindle occur the later date. I've accomplished something. Have I done that?

[Eli is napping. Jinx taking photographs]
Arnie Becker: I can't imagine how terrifying he actually face the possibility of going to prison.
Jinx Baldasseri: They're still a law that have to happen before you reach that point.
Arnie Becker: And I never told you this. I was secretly happy to stop seeing Eli.
Jinx Baldasseri: Yeah, why, why was that?
Arnie Becker: I guess I felt if you're going to be seeing anybody at the firm, it should be me.
Jinx Baldasseri: Uh-huh.
Arnie Becker: Well, the time it was me.
Jinx Baldasseri: Yes, it was.
Arnie Becker: Have you everything about that happening again?
Jinx Baldasseri: [laughter] You're unbelievable. And with all this stuff that you have in your mind, you still make the time for the little launch.
Arnie Becker: And that isn't now, Jinx.
[They turned that Frank]
Jinx Baldasseri: Here he comes.

[Checking it out]
Arnie Becker: What's he doing? Oh, my god.
Jinx Baldasseri: That's what he was doing.
[Jinx taking the photograph with a camera]
Eli Levinson: Do you have any inc lint of this?
Arnie Becker: No.
[Taking another picture. Arnie gets to check somebody in the car of Frank Askoff]
Eli Levinson: Arnie, where are you going?

Frank Askoff: So after I took off last night, I just drove. Just... pretty much to instinct. It's about the house that I had lived in for the past 22 years. And Vivian allowed me to come in. I proceeded to tell the truth.
Vivian Askoff: It's quite a night.
Arnie Becker: Why'd you kill her, Frank?
Frank Askoff: Look, I - I didn't start out intending to, I... I went over there to try to make a deal with her.
Arnie Becker: That's what I was going over there for.
Frank Askoff: Yeah, I know, but your heart wasn't in it. I just thought that I could do it better.
Ann Kelsey: Why'd you kill her?
Frank Askoff: I realize I couldn't trust her. I mean no matter how much money I paid her, I... it seemed that it always be that chance that, my secret would get out. And I realize that I panic. I, uh, I put my hands in the throat.
[sighs]
Frank Askoff: And before I knew what I was doing... I'd strangled it.
Eli Levinson: Now what?
Frank Askoff: Now I turn myself in.
Arnie Becker: You want to have a lawyer with you when you do that.
Vivian Askoff: Have any of you represent him?
Ann Kelsey: No. No one here can represent him.
Arnie Becker: We'll find your lawyer.
Frank Askoff: Good. I think I wanna... wanna go home now and change my clothes before I get down there.
[Frank owe Arnie an apology]
Frank Askoff: Arnie, I'm sorry for what I put you through. I'm really sorry.
Arnie Becker: Good luck, Frank.
Frank Askoff: Thanks.
[Vivian will take her forgiven husband Frank outside. They sure fool with the wrong guy. Eli comforts Arnie Becker and cleared his name. He was framed for murder]

[Back at the District Attorney's Office, Belinda grabs a cup of coffee break, but Arnie open the door, come in, talk to A.D.A. Belinda Fox ready to end and say good-bye]
A.D.A. Belinda Fox: Arnie?
Arnie Becker: Hello, Belinda.
A.D.A. Belinda Fox: Normally, I'd say it's great to see you, but if you'll forgive me right now, it's not a good time.
Arnie Becker: Hmm. We got something to talk about. You and I.
A.D.A. Belinda Fox: I can't imagine what. Askoff confessed to Carmilla Greer's murder. You're no longer a suspect.
Arnie Becker: The only reason I was a suspect was because of you.
A.D.A. Belinda Fox: The reason you were a suspect was because you left the scene of a crime without reporting it.
Arnie Becker: Look, let's cut to the crap, Belinda. It's only you and me here. You had me followed that a personal malice, you were looking for anything you could buy. This just happened to fall in your lap. You misused the power of your office it's a way exacting some sort of seek revenge!
A.D.A. Belinda Fox: You the pretty high opinion there of yourself, don't you, Arnie? You think every ex-girlfriend, you can think commitment Tuesday's at night plotting your nightfall?
Arnie Becker: I could bring you up on charges to the Attorney General's office. I could personally sue you for libel!
A.D.A. Belinda Fox: Then why don't you?
Arnie Becker: Because I don't want to involved myself in your life one minute longer than I have to. And should you decide to involved yourself any further in mind? I won't hesitate. I will take you on. And I will bring you down. You want a commitment? That's a commitment.
[Arnie bids good-bye to Belinda. Arnie leaves and closed the door]

[Arnie heading to see Frank in the car]
Eli Levinson: Arnie.
Arnie Becker: [Knocking on the window] Will you roll down your window, Frank?
Frank Askoff: What do you want?
Arnie Becker: You and I need to have a little chat.
Young Man: Who's that?
Frank Askoff: It's just - there's someone I know.
Arnie Becker: There's someone who doesn't want to go to prison for committing a murder, you and I both know that I didn't commit.
Frank Askoff: What?
Young Man: Good-bye.
[the Young Man gets out of the car and leaves]
Frank Askoff: What do you want, Arnie?

Arnie Becker: Look, would you two go back to the car for a minute?
Eli Levinson: Is it not wait...
Arnie Becker: Just give me a minute.
[They'll be back in a minute]

Frank Askoff: What do you want?
Arnie Becker: I want you to take a good look at yourself, Frank. It's 3:00 in the morning, you're in the middle of a murder investigation, and you picking up hustlers in West Hollywood. What does that tell you?
Frank Askoff: [sighs] It's nothing I have known for a very long time.
Arnie Becker: Carmilla Greer was providing you with male prostitutes?
Frank Askoff: Look, I don't want to get into this with you, Arnie. Now, if you excuse me, huh?
Arnie Becker: You listen to me, Frank! Whether you come forward on your own free will or whether you drag for taking extremely! You long keep it from coming out!
[Frank takes off driving his car and then leaves. Arnie sees Frank Askoff driving]


"L.A. Law: Hand Roll Express (#2.12)" (1988)
Arnie Becker: It's almost 10 o'clock, Roxanne.
Roxanne Melman: Sorry.
Arnie Becker: Did you bring your financial files.
Roxanne Melman: No.
Arnie Becker: No?
[Kuzak closed the door]
Roxanne Melman: Look, I appreciate both of you taking the time that you have. But I've changed my mind. I'm going to take the fifth.
Michael Kuzak: Roxanne, once they've granted you immunity, you have no right to take the fifth.
Roxanne Melman: But they can't keep me in jail once I see that it won't make me change my mind.
Arnie Becker: Did your boyfriend tell you that?
Roxanne Melman: Isn't it true?
Michael Kuzak: Oh, yes, but a judge can keep you in jail for up to a year before he decides that it won't change your mind. What's more, the U.S. Attorney's office could withdraw the immunity and prosecute you for insider trading and mail fraud. Now why go through all of that?
Roxanne Melman: Because one day this is going to be over. One day I'm going to say goodbye to McKenzie/Brackman and make a life with Jimmy. So whatever else happens, I can't do anything to hurt him.
Arnie Becker: Doesn't it bother you at all that those brokerage accounts were in your name?
Roxanne Melman: No, it doesn't. He was in the middle of a divorce and he didn't want his wife to find out about them.
Arnie Becker: Why didn't he tell you?
Roxanne Melman: He was going to tell me as soon as the divorce became final.
Arnie Becker: Well, that sounds real convincing coming from a straight arrow like him.
Roxanne Melman: Michael, please, tell the federal prosecutor that the deal is off.
Michael Kuzak: Absolutely not. If you're intent on putting yourself through this kind of a ringer, I want you to march into open court tomorrow and tell him and the judge yourself. Maybe between now and then, you'll come to your senses.
Arnie Becker: He's got her too twisted for that. She's set.

Roxanne Melman: Arnie, you don't know the first thing about him. You've never even met him!
Arnie Becker: Oh, Roxanne, I've met this guy. I've met him a thousand times. His wife hires me, I make him look bad. He hires me, I'll make him look good. Either way I know him for what he is the minute I see him. He comes on like a romantic but he's only in business for himself. I know this guy, Roxanne. Hell, I've been this guy!
[Roxanne turned to Michael]
Roxanne Melman: Thanks for the legal advice.
[Roxanne heads out of the door and slams]

Leland McKenzie: While I'm sure we're all glad that Roxanne is out of her legal difficulties, by this time we're aware that hers were not the only indiscretions committed. While personal investments are, as a rule, personal business, anyone trading on stock tips even remotely questionable is compromising the integrity of this firm. I trust that those of you involved will take appropriate steps to rectify the situation.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Leland, if I may, the only thing I would add is that since Roxanne's matter with the U.S. Attorney's office is concluded, I'd like to give her 2 weeks' notice before the close of business today and start interviewing for a replacement.
Michael Kuzak: Now wait a minute, it hasn't been established that Roxanne knew that those tips were illegal.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: That maybe, but this isn't a criminal prosecution. It's a law firm depending upon the good judgment of its employees. Roxanne let us down. Get rid of her.
Stuart Markowitz: Uh-uh. If she didn't know the tips were based on inside information, how can we punish her?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: And what was her conduct when she did know? Did she immediately offer her cooperation to the federal prosecutor and seek to contain the damage or was her first priority to shield her paramour and further involved this firm's time and manpower in some tawdry little melodrama?
Arnie Becker: Who the hell are you to vilify her? How many times have you had to call out for help for the simple reason that you couldn't keep your fly zipped?
Leland McKenzie: All right, Arnold, let's not get into that now.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Whatever past scrapes, I've gotten into, I've never put this firm in jeopardy.
Arnie Becker: For all your sanctimonious braying, Douglas, neither has she.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well, I don't intend to let this drop.
Arnie Becker: Fine, let me make things very clear then. You can express your outrage about this incident. We can have a series of discussions about moral consequences, situational ethics, or whatever you want. Just so you know, if you fire Roxanne, I walk out right behind her.
[Arnie leaves and heads out of the Conference room. Ann Kelsey is to blame for Roxanne's insider trading. Leland and Douglas need a moment of silence]

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Jonathan, McMurray vs. Brinkley.
Jonathan Rollins: Uh, $185,000 award plus costs.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: That brings Mr. Rollins to 5 and 0. I'd like to see those kind of stats from some other people around here. Seidell tax audits?
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, I'm not going to have anything definitive on that until Friday.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Emile's vs. Southland Magazine.
Victor Sifuentes: Opening arguments scheduled for today.
Abby Perkins: Your case may be a editorial section of the L.A. Times today.
Jonathan Rollins: I never would've thought a restaurant review could generate this kind of controversy.
Stuart Markowitz: Are you kidding? Lorna Landsberg - Who by the way I'd love to meet sometime if you could.
[Victor nodded]
Stuart Markowitz: She's probably the most influential food critic around. She makes and breaks restaurant.
Victor Sifuentes: More importantly this is potentially a landmark First Amendment case. The same elements that were in Westmoreland vs. CBS, Tavoulareas vs. the Washington Post, Sharon vs. Time Magazine. They're all there. It is the kind of case that makes laws.
Michael Kuzak: Immortality, Victor. Nothing less.
Leland McKenzie: It's a serious issue though, if you don't have a free press if they're cowered by fear of being sued.
Arnie Becker: Yeah, but on the other hand, is the press entitled to be malicious if it means this guy with the restaurant suffers.
[Leland shrugged]
Michael Kuzak: Was H.L. Mencken malicious? Lincoln Steffens, was he malicious? If you don't like someone's opinion, it's easy to call him malicious.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, and there's something else really important to consider here. We now have a client who knows Spago's private number. We'll never be shut out a table there again.
[Ann laughs. Jonathan laughs, too]
Arnie Becker: Could you find out for me, Victor, if she knows of a restaurant that's serving Chinese food from the Hakka region? I think that this might be the next big cuisine.
[Abby and Stuart laughing]

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Folks, we have to discuss one other matter before we conclude. Michael, what's going on with the United States of America vs. Roxanne Melman's own true love?
Michael Kuzak: She's under subpoena. If she agrees to testify against Markham, give up whatever profits she made, U.S. Attorney's willing to let it go at that.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Sounds a lot more lenient than I intend to be.
Arnie Becker: Meaning what?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Meaning she's history around here. I'll let her get through with her legal travails first out of compassion, but once they're done, it's good-bye, Charlie.
Arnie Becker: That's not really your call.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: It most certainly is my call.
Leland McKenzie: All right, all right. Uh... We'll take this issue up at the partners' meeting.
Arnie Becker: You bet we will.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: That's it.
[Douglas closed his gold pocket watch]

[Here with Roxanne Melman and Jimmy Markham outside the courtroom. Arnie Becker is in the telephone booth]
Arnie Becker: She's here.
[Hang up the phone]
Arnie Becker: Roxanne! Roxanne, where have you been? You're supposed to be here at 9 o'clock.
Roxanne Melman: Jimmy's lawyer called and said the trial was put till 11:00.
Arnie Becker: Ask your boyfriend if it's all right if you consult with your lawyer.
Jimmy Markham: I got a name, Ace.
Arnie Becker: I wasn't talking to you.
Roxanne Melman: Come on, Jimmy, let's go.
Jimmy Markham: You do pretty good job of talking about me. Why don't you say something to my face?
Arnie Becker: I'm interested in her.
Jimmy Markham: Well, I'm in love with her. What's between us doesn't concerned you.
Arnie Becker: [Yelling] You're gonna tell me what's concerns me?
Michael Kuzak: Whoa, whoa, we're gonna have a fistfight right here in the corridor?
Jimmy Markham: Roxanne, everything's gonna be fine.
[Roxanne kissed Jimmy]
Jimmy Markham: I love you.
Roxanne Melman: Where will you be?
Jimmy Markham: Attorneys' lounge.
[Jimmy will be back]

Michael Kuzak: So have you thought anymore about what you're gonna do in there?
Roxanne Melman: Yeah. I've thought a lot about it, and there's no way I'm going to testify against him.
Arnie Becker: This guy got himself a slave girl.
Michael Kuzak: Arnie, maybe you ought to get a cup of coffee or...
Arnie Becker: You know something I don't give a damn about the insider trading. But for him to let you take this kind of rap, we've got to be talking about a world-class slug.
Roxanne Melman: For your information, he doesn't know anything about and he wants me to testify.
Arnie Becker: What a guy. Did he tell you that?
Roxanne Melman: Why is it you need to poison my love for him, Arnie? He never did anything to you.
Arnie Becker: Yeah, but he sure as hell is doing something to you.
Michael Kuzak: Arnie.
Roxanne Melman: Forget it, Michael! There's nothing I want to discuss with either of you.
[Roxanne walks away]
Michael Kuzak: Well, that was helpful.
[Arnie sighs]
Michael Kuzak: Come on.

[Arnie find out what does Roxanne doing today]
Arnie Becker: What are you doing in today?
Roxanne Melman: I just came in to pick up my check.
Arnie Becker: Why don't you stay home tomorrow?
Roxanne Melman: Home will feel just as bad as any place else.
Arnie Becker: I know that you loved him, Roxanne.
Roxanne Melman: But you know he was a bad guy anyway, right?
Arnie Becker: That's not what I was going to say.
Roxanne Melman: But it's great to be right, isn't it, Arnie?
Arnie Becker: Do you think that I like seeing you hurting?
Roxanne Melman: [Sobbing] When did you ever notice?
[Roxanne got upset and walk away from Arnie]


"L.A. Law: Bound for Glory (#4.16)" (1990)
Abby Perkins: 2 grams. Simple procession. I could probably plead him out and get 6 months minimum security. Of course, if we go to trial and lose, we're talking a year easy.
Arnie Becker: State prison?
Abby Perkins: I doubt it, but it's their defense. It's possible.
Abe Lassen: Take the plea.
Abby Perkins: No. Just a minute. Don't forget the motion to dismiss. We have a real shot at getting it kicked.
Arnie Becker: Right.
Abe Lassen: In which case he just walks?
Abby Perkins: Exactly.
Abe Lassen: Take the plea. Let him do the 6 months.
Abby Perkins: Excuse me?
Abe Lassen: My son is a drug problem, Ms Perkins. Nothing we tried has ever worked - programs, clinics. This is the third time he's been arrested. Every time, he goes free. Every time, he goes back to drugs. Maybe jail is just the thing he needs.
Abby Perkins: That may be, Mr. Lassen, but Joel is the client, at least technically. And it would have to be his decision.
Abe Lassen: If Joel were capable of making tough decision, we wouldn't be standing here right now, would we? This... this is me son - my only son. If something drastic doesn't him shake him out of this, I'm gonna lose him.
Abby Perkins: You're asking a defense attorney to deliberately put her client in jail when there's a chance of getting him off.
Abe Lassen: That's the way you see it. The way I see it is I'm asking you to help me save his life.
[Arnie will find out and Abby will do her best]

Abby Perkins: He's the client. Not Abe. If he doesn't want to plead guilty - I can't be...
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Come on. Abby, he's a drug addict.
Abby Perkins: He wasn't on drugs when he was here, Douglas, I have no reason to question his capacity to make this decisions.
Arnie Becker: OK, Abby, technically, you're right. Joel is the client, you're... you're supposed to do what he says. Look if we do get this thing kicked, that kid go straight back to drugs. Hey, are you gonna feel good about that just because technically you're ethically correct? Let me tell you something else. If we get the case dismissed, we'll lose Abe Lassen as our client.
Abby Perkins: I can't let that be a factor.
Arnie Becker: Look, Abby, I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you here.
[Arnie closed the door and have private at Douglas' office]
Arnie Becker: If I lose Abe Lassen as a client, I lose a big chunk of my clout. The balance of power tilts even more heavily in Rosalind Shays' favor. She already has to be as client bases, she already been made Senior Partner. Losing Abe Lassen is going puts her one step closer to having unfettered control to do whatever the hell she wants.
Abby Perkins: Why don't you take me off the case? Cut the plea yourself.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: If we did that, Joel would smell a rat, and get a new lawyer, and the results for here will be the same.
Arnie Becker: You know the kid is better off doing the 6 months, Abby, you know it. All we're asking you to do is steer him in the direction would best help him give up drugs. Yes, I'm asking you to do it for Abe, yes, I'm asking you to do it for me, but I'm asking you to do it for Joel. Maybe his only chance, for God's sake.
Abby Perkins: OK, I'll see if I can convince him.
Arnie Becker: Thank you.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Thank you.
[Abby will give it a shot and a try to help save her client Joel Lassen]

[the first day of a new incoming Senior Partner as the first woman to be in charge in the law offices meeting is Rosalind Shays since she was elected last week]
Stuart Markowitz: Ann.
Rosalind Shays: Douglas, I think everybody's here. Why don't you get started?
[And every people seated. Douglas bring his coffee and opened his time on his pocket watch, beginning the meeting of today in the morning]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Okay. People vs. Lassen.
Abby Perkins: Joel Lassen's been busted for possession again. Arraignments tomorrow.
Rosalind Shays: Why are we in this?
Arnie Becker: Because he's Abe Lassen's son.
Rosalind Shays: Say no more.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Breecher vs Wynn.
Jonathan Rollins: That's mine. Our client packages county fairs. The main event of one of them is a frog-jumping contest. There was prize money involved, and one enterprising entrant, got himself something called an African Goliath frog.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: An African Goliath frog.
Jonathan Rollins: Yeah. It was ruled ineligible hence the suit.
Rosalind Shays: I understand that there's appeal in things novel and strange. I also understand that as an attorneys, we need to amuse ourselves. But quite frankly, what I can't countenance are the sort of indulgences that hurt us.
Victor Sifuentes: How does this hurt us?
Rosalind Shays: It costs us. It makes us look foolish. What I'm saying, Jonathan, is that I think you're to have to be more selective of the kinds of cases he take on.
Leland McKenzie: Actually, he didn't take on the case, Rosalind. I did.

[Rosalind is waiting. Move on the next quorum. Arnie looked quiet. Leland is waiting, too]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Moving along. Jackson vs. Haas.
Ann Kelsey: That's mine. A young black boy was kicked to death by a skinhead. We're suing the skinhead's parents.
Arnie Becker: Why?
Ann Kelsey: Why? Because a kid doesn't become a racist thug in the vacuum.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: But suing the parents? To me, this utter litigiousness. It's... it's looking to the courts for a payday.
Jonathan Rollins: It's looking to the courts to fight bigotry, like... like Brown vs. Board of Education. Was that utter litigiousness?
Rosalind Shays: What was the age of the defendant's son at the time of killing, Ann?
Ann Kelsey: He was 15, Rosalind.
Rosalind Shays: I think that's young enough to infer parental liabilities. Good luck.
[Stuart is next soon]
Rosalind Shays: Move along, Douglas.
[Douglas is waiting, Leland holding his address note book]
Rosalind Shays: I said, why don't we move along?
[Meeting is adjourned]

Abby Perkins: What was I suppose to do? The DA went for. I suppose to say...
Abe Lassen: Because you pushed for it.
Arnie Becker: Listen, Abe, this was a difficult call...
Abe Lassen: Where the hell were you? You're supposed to be taking care of me.
Arnie Becker: I thought Abby would.
Abby Perkins: Thanks, Arnie.
Arnie Becker: I - I agree with Abe. Jail time is what Joel needs.
Rosalind Shays: [Opening the door] Sorry I'm late.
Abe Lassen: Who the hell are you?
Rosalind Shays: I'm Rosalind Shays, Mr. Lassen, I'm the new Senior Partner here. Douglas has explained to me what's happened.
Abe Lassen: Good. Explain to me what you got to do about it.
Rosalind Shays: Well, under the circumstances...
Abe Lassen: I don't want any circumstances. I want her fired today.
Rosalind Shays: Now, why would I do that?
Abe Lassen: Why? Because she ignored my instructions, that's why.
Rosalind Shays: Ms. Perkins was bound by an attorney's code of ethics, and she behaved appropriately. This firm stands behind her.
Abe Lassen: [Pointing the finger at Mr. Becker and Mr. Brackman] These two don't seem to stand behind her.
Rosalind Shays: As I said I'm the Senior Partner.
Abe Lassen: I'll have somebody here to pick up my files. You just lost yourself a client, Senior Partner.
[Abe Lassen walks out of that door, exit, and leave Arnie's office]

Arnie Becker: I appreciate that, Rosalind. That was my client you just encouraged out the door.
Rosalind Shays: How dare you hanging associate out like that, both of you! Abby have no choice but to do what she did, and for you not to support her here is reprehensible!
Arnie Becker: [Yelling] Abe Lassen is good for about 500,000 a year!
Rosalind Shays: There was no price tag on our ethics when Leland was in charge, and there isn't now.
[Rosalind leaves and slams the door closed. Arnie and Douglas are in big trouble]


"L.A. Law: How Am I Driving? (#8.20)" (1994)
Patrick Flanagan: Why don't we just give him another minute?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I think not. Let's get started. Ruland vs. Wayside...
Jonathan Rollins: Uh. uh, uh, uh, Douglas. There he is.
[Eli has arrived by bus]
Leland McKenzie: OK.
Eli Levinson: Sorry. Sorry.
Leland McKenzie: Uh-huh.
Eli Levinson: The buses were running late.
Arnie Becker: You actually take a bus?
Eli Levinson: Yes.
Stuart Markowitz: Unbelievable, isn't it?
Eli Levinson: It's really not that unbelievable.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: And you're doing it for some kind of ecological reason, Eli?
Eli Levinson: I'm doing it because I don't have a driver's license. Denise is giving me lessons however, I'm inching on being ready to take the road test. And I'm about to buy a car
Ann Kelsey: You can buy a car before you get your license?
Eli Levinson: And to all partners just settle a case of mine is they send me a very large check. I thought I did something extravagant.
Jonathan Rollins: What are you getting?
Eli Levinson: I have no idea. Denise is set me up a car broker who presumably will get me through this is painlessly as possible.
Arnie Becker: Ultimately when buying a car, keep one question uppermost in mind. How am I going to feel when I'm standing in front of a restaurant? The ballet brings me my car.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Thank you, Arnold.

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Ruland vs. Wayside Hospital.
Jonathan Rollins: Yeah, that's mine. A 16-year-old girl found to be incorrigible by her father, is being committed to a psychiatric facility by him. She soon to be released from the facility and we're representing the father at the facility.
Jane Halliday: What did she do?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Drugs, sex, alcohol. Well, her father feel that she's basically out of control.
Arnie Becker: There but for the grace of God.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Askoff vs. Askoff.
Arnie Becker: Yes, we're representing Frank Askoff, his wife is suing for the divorce also looking to disembowel him financially. Her leverages Carmilla Greer.
Stuart Markowitz: What? He's in a book?
Arnie Becker: Yes, he is. He also runs a publicly traded corporation. He wants very much for this not to get out?
Jane Halliday: Whose Carmilla Greer?
Ann Kelsey: She's a madam.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I'm rather well placed, madam.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, I suspect there are a number people in that book who very much don't want to get out.
Arnie Becker: Well, you frequent prostitutes, you run that risk.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, I have never been the prostitute.
Ann Kelsey: Ah, gee!

Arnie Becker: Frank, I want to propose something. Your wife is holding up with the threat to make public, you're going to prostitute. I'd like to take an aggressive position in response.
Frank Askoff: What do you mean?
Arnie Becker: Number one: I deny it.
Frank Askoff: I'm in the book.
Arnie Becker: Maybe you are, maybe you're not. Meantime, we haven't seen the book. We don't know the book exist.
Frank Askoff: Look, she had me tail to Carmilla's house, Arnie, she knows that I went there.
Arnie Becker: What she knows in which she can prove are not necessarily wanted the same. Now assume... assume that she can prove it. What are the damages?
Frank Askoff: The damages are catastrophic.
Arnie Becker: Are they?
Frank Askoff: I answer to a board of directors made up a very conservative, very Midwestern man.
Arnie Becker: Right, right. None of whom have never once in their life paid for it.
Frank Askoff: I also answer to the shareholders.
Arnie Becker: Frank, I'm not saying you wanted to come out. I'm saying it's not the end of the world.
Frank Askoff: [sighed] I want. I have been incapable of functioning sexually with my wife... for over 5 years. We went to therapists, separately together. Nothing helped. It became a source of almost indescribable pain to me.
[sighed]
Frank Askoff: I finally saw out prostitutes. And see what prostitute, I could function or not. Arnie, I don't want people to know anything about that. It's a source of way embarrassment to me to even... be sitting here and telling you.
Arnie Becker: You really needn't be.
[Frank gets up]
Frank Askoff: I would only ask that you do everything possible so that this does not become public.

Arnie Becker: Ms. Askoff, you initiated this divorce, did you not?
Vivian Askoff: Yes.
Arnie Becker: And before doing so, you emptied out both the safe deposit boxes held in your and your husband's name, you also emptied out all joint bank accounts, is that right?
Vivian Askoff: Yes, it is.
Arnie Becker: Were you warring doing so that you're leaving your husband without adequate funds to me is monthly obligations.
Mrs. Askoff's Atty. Cecily: It not her problem. When we work out the finances will pay over what we owe, that's assuming we owe anything.
Arnie Becker: Now, you're seeking to examine your husband corporate records, is that right?
Vivian Askoff: That's right. My husband was concealing marital assets in corporate accounts. I want to know just how much of those assets were being spent on prostitutes.
Arnie Becker: And what do you base your allegations that your husband frequented prostitutes?
Vivian Askoff: I based on reports from private investigators. You want it deny it?
Arnie Becker: For the record, we categorically deny it. However, for the sake of argument, let's assume that your husband did in fact pay for the services of a prostitute. Is it possible that said services represented a last-ditch therapeutic approach to a long-standing condition?
Vivian Askoff: What condition would that be, Mr. Becker?
Arnie Becker: It would be impotence, Ms. Askoff.
Vivian Askoff: Would it be impotence as in a physiological condition or just impotence when he was with me?

Arnie Becker: I think the literature shows impotence to be a fairly complex condition, I wouldn't presume to ascribe it to one thing or the other.
Vivian Askoff: I don't think it's in the least bit complex. My husband wasn't physically attracted to me. He clearly was to prostitutes. From the number of times, he visited them, one can safely assume that he was not impotent with them.
Arnie Becker: Again, assuming that's true. Isn't it possible that your bear some of the responsiblity?
Vivian Askoff: No, it is not possible.
Mrs. Askoff's Atty. Cecily: That's holy irrelevant for the purpose...
Arnie Becker: Was it not you who over the past 5 years, suddenly, and continuously belittle them berated husband?
Vivian Askoff: I did not do that!
Mrs. Askoff's Atty. Cecily: Come on.
Vivian Askoff: I supported my husband! I encouraged to get a physical examination. I encouraged him to get psychological help. We even went to therapy together, which I might tell you, was not easy thing for me to do. But I did it. I stood by, I was faithful to him.
Frank Askoff: I was desperate, Vivian. I was desperate, now, I didn't know what else to do.
Vivian Askoff: Your desperation doesn't move me anymore, Frank.
Arnie Becker: May I ask a purely, practical question? What do you hoping to accomplish here? Have you make these claims in your pleadings, if you argue them in court? Whether it's true or not, it's gonna get out that a big executive went to whores. Your husband short term possibly as long term financial picture worsens. You're on board for lifetime support, I assume, why would you want a Poison the Well?
Mrs. Askoff's Atty. Cecily: Because, Arnie, we're not looking for support. We want the money up front.
Arnie Becker: What you're asking for is unconscionable.
Vivian Askoff: Mr. Becker. I was betrayed by this man, I was lied to, I was frozen out, I was exposed to a life-threatening disease. Since all I can get from him now is money. I want to get all the money I can. And I suggest that you don't appeal to my conscience. My conscience is clear.


"L.A. Law: Great Balls Afire (#6.15)" (1992)
Arnie Becker: Well, so far, this alleged daughter hasn't filed yet, you're probably threatened to go public to force a settlement.
Ann Kelsey: That's blackmail.
Arnie Becker: Well absolutely. Look, this Gorman is a bottom feeder. I wouldn't be surprised if he manipulated this girl into filing suit. He may even try to get appointed a guardian.
Ann Kelsey: So we're looking at fraud here?
Arnie Becker: Probably. But they've done some homework. Stuart, you did know this woman Karen Alder?
Stuart Markowitz: Yep, I - I dated her for like, uh, 3 months.
Arnie Becker: And you did go to bed with her?
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, yeah, it was a casual thing. Well I wasn't among...
Ann Kelsey: I never said you were.
Arnie Becker: Okay, the good news is the girl is 16, the most you can ask for is 2 year support until she reaches her majority.
Stuart Markowitz: What's the bad news?
Arnie Becker: California child support guidelines state that a child must be supported in a fashion commensurate with father's wealth.
Ann Kelsey: Oh, God.
Arnie Becker: Giving you net annual salary, uh, I could see her going to what? 6,000 a month for 2 years? You're looking at a $150,000 hit here.
Stuart Markowitz: If this really were my daughter, why didn't the mother contact me for support?
Ann Kelsey: Exactly.
Arnie Becker: Relax. There will looked one thing.
Stuart Markowitz: What?
Arnie Becker: Your sperm count is so low can be measured infractions, their case is real shaky.
Stuart Markowitz: Great. That makes me feel really wonderful.
Ann Kelsey: So what do we do?
Arnie Becker: The easiest way to get rid of this, DNA tests. They'll probably won't come to that, but Gorman is a K-Mart lawyer, if I go at him, it worked in and I don't let up, I might intimidate him right back into the woodwork.
Ann Kelsey: Good. Because if he thinks we're gonna roll over for this kind of extortion, he is dead wrong.

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Next stop, the Simon & Catherine Rubin Foundation vs. University of California and Dr. Emily Connor. We're representing Dr. Connor and the University?
Jonathan Rollins: Yeah. The Rubin Foundation granted Dr. Connor $100,000 to study a new way to save heart attack and stroke victims, she's happy to the project and Kurt Rubin the Foundations President wants his money back.
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Why?
Jonathan Rollins: He says she's breach the contract by using scientific data from the Nazi concentration camps.
Alex DePalma: What?
Tommy Mullaney: Nazis?
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: What date?
Stuart Markowitz: We're representing Nazis?
Jonathan Rollins: No. We're representing a highly respected scientist who wants to save lives.
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Which particular Nazi experiments is she using?
Jonathan Rollins: The deco hypothermia experiment.
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Huh.
Jonathan Rollins: You know where they subject to prisoners to freezing temperatures and monitor the physiological responses.
Alex DePalma: How many died?
Jonathan Rollins: About 90 men, but tens of thousands die every month from heart disease and my client thinks you can save a lot of them.
Stuart Markowitz: I'm sorry, I don't by that.
Arnie Becker: You're hate to sound crass, but if it meant the life-or-death of somebody that I love dad want them to use the data, it won't change would have to those prisoners.
Leland McKenzie: Well, I don't think it's quite that simple, Arnold.
Jonathan Rollins: Come on, Leland, no one's saying experiments were horrendous, but there were 50 years ago. If the data concede even one life today, I feel...
Leland McKenzie: Now, I - I'm - I'm not saying you shouldn't take the case, Jonathan. And I understand what Mr. Rubin is afraid of.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Is there any possibility of a settlement?
Jonathan Rollins: So far they haven't been willing, I think it just hoping for the best deal at the 11th hour.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Good luck. And we're adjourned.
[the meeting is dismissed and they're done]

Ann Kelsey: Be aggressive, Arnie. I want vintage, Becker.
Arnie Becker: Please, Ann.
[Arnie open the door to get to the proceedings]
Arnie Becker: Good Morning.
Barry Gorman: Mr. Markowitz.
[Mr. Gorman shaking hands with Stuart Markowitz]
Barry Gorman: Mr. Becker.
[And Mr. Gorman shaking hands with Arnie Becker]
Stuart Markowitz: This is my wife Ann Kelsey.
Ann Kelsey: Mr. Gorman.
Barry Gorman: I'd like you both to meet my client Sarah Alder.
[Sarah meets is Ann Kelsey and Stuart Markowitz]
Sarah Alder: Hi.
Ann Kelsey: Hello.
Sarah Alder: [Sarah shaking hands with Stuart] Hi.
Stuart Markowitz: Hi

Arnie Becker: Let's get started. First thing I like to know is what you're doing representing a minor.
Barry Gorman: So happens, Counselor, that I'm planning on seeking guardianship for this young lady.
Arnie Becker: You know the only thing that stinks here worse than your case, Counselor is your ethics.
Barry Gorman: Let's drop the animosity, shall we?
Arnie Becker: You haven't seen animosity, Mr. Gorman. As highly unlikely, that this girl is Mr. Markowitz' daughter, these medical records from his urologist gonna test. You're leveling flimsy charges against a man of high principles. All those sperm count.
Stuart Markowitz: All right, Arnie.
Ann Kelsey: She's your daughter, Stuart.
Arnie Becker: What?
Stuart Markowitz: What?.
Ann Kelsey: You're the father, I can tell.
Barry Gorman: Terrific. Let's drop some papers.
Ann Kelsey: Look at her. Look at her eyes, for God's sake. Can't you see it?
Arnie Becker: I don't believe this.

Ann Kelsey: How are we gonna tell Matthew?
Stuart Markowitz: Mat - - Matthew's 2 years old.
Ann Kelsey: I can just need a mother. This is Stuart's daughter by a previous range.
Stuart Markowitz: Now wait a minute, we don't talk to your mother now. Why should we...
Sarah Alder: [Sarah finds out that's not true] He's not my father.
Barry Gorman: What?
Arnie Becker: What?
Sarah Alder: I'm sorry. I knew my mom have been with you. I knew you had money, that's why I came to you, but you're not my real father.
Barry Gorman: Let's not jump to any rash conclusions here.
Sarah Alder: He doesn't even look like me.
[Sarah and Stuart are not related]
Sarah Alder: I'm sorry.
[Sarah's leaving and heading home. What's wrong with Stuart Markowitz biologically paternal? And what's the matter with Ann Kelsey? She's out of her mind]


"L.A. Law: Ex-Wives and Videotape (#4.14)" (1990)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Moving on. Michael, where are we on the Earl Williams' appeal?
Michael Kuzak: Earl on arguments before the Supreme Court of California tomorrow 11 o'clock. Victor will be second chair.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Are we still doing the mood for it in preparation?
Michael Kuzak: This morning. You, Victor and Stuart is the judges, I hope you just look over the briefs.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I studied them.
Michael Kuzak: Good. I want you be as tough as you can. I'll be giving you a list as the issues that I believe the judges will be coming at me with, so whatever questions, you can call up with very helpful.
Arnie Becker: I think you really got a shot?
Michael Kuzak: Yeah.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Moving on. Major Kudos to Rosalind Shays. She's officially landed Anderson Industries as a client. This is the second largest steel distribution company in the country and potentially, the biggest client we've ever had.
Stuart Markowitz: That's terrific.
Arnie Becker: Way the go, Ros.
Rosalind Shays: [laughing] Thank you. I have a meeting with the CEO on Wednesday and I suspect that he'll put us right to work.
Leland McKenzie: That's fantastic.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: It certainly is. And moving from the fantastic to the incredible, Arnold, you have a case involving Rochelle Peters?
Arnie Becker: Yeah, I'm representing her ex-husband.
Leland McKenzie: Is that the Rochelle Peters of the Evening News 7 o'clock?
Arnie Becker: Very one. And this is good. Evidently, Miss Peters did some anchoring before different kinda camera.
Abby Perkins: Don't tell me.
Arnie Becker: Home videos. Between she and her husband when they were just newlyweds in the act. The other act in a simultaneous acting we cut to 5 years later, husband becomes ex-husband, he has something all the adult film entertainment companies would like to have you, he wants to sell, she slapped him with a restraining order.
Ann Kelsey: That's despicable.

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Have you got the tape?
Arnie Becker: He'll be bringing it and we've got a meeting this morning.
Ann Kelsey: How can you involve yourself with something like this.
Arnie Becker: Because it's perverted, it's sorted, it's what I live for.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Keep us surprised, Arnold. And on that titillating note, we're adjourned.
[the meeting is dismissed]

Lawyer Barney Dowe: In 23 years of practice, Your Honor, I've never been as outrageous I am at this moment. This woman stands to have her entire career ruined because that man wants to take moments of intimacy between a husband and wife and make them into pornography.
Arnie Becker: Your Honor, the tape is what it is, my client is not making it into anything.
Judge Grace Van Owen: He is making it public, Mr. Becker, and I have agreed to seal this courtroom for the reason that to reveal the very existence of this tape could cause irreparable damage.
Lawyer Barney Dowe: Your Honor, that's exactly what Mr. Vogel wants to do is vehement in spitefulness for his former wife were matched only by his greed.
Arnie Becker: Your Honor, that's just nonsense, the property settlement between these two people itemizes everything that goes to Miss Peters, it gives all rights in the remainder to my client.
Judge Grace Van Owen: Mr. Becker, is there any indication that Miss Peters would have knowingly authorized the distribution of this tape?
Arnie Becker: My client's an accomplished photographer, he took a great many pictures of his wife, in each case, she authorized their use.
Lawyer Barney Dowe: Mr. Becker, we're not talking about photographs here. We're talking about videotape footage of marital acts.
Judge Grace Van Owen: Without getting overly graphic, gentlemen. Can you give me a sense of what is in this tape?
Lawyer Barney Dowe: [sighs] Several variations quotas.
Arnie Becker: Compared to what's out there is pretty wholesome stuff.
Lawyer Barney Dowe: It won't be any to wholesome some guy standing and apply the booth, slamming quarters into the damn thing to see it.
Arnie Becker: This would be intended for home video market only.
Judge Grace Van Owen: OK, I have heard enough. Mr. Becker, your client is enjoying from exhibiting this tape commercially. Miss Peters retains the right to determine how her name and likeness are to be used. Nothing in this divorce agreement anticipated this. Nothing in it gives him the right to do it.
Lawyer Barney Dowe: Your Honor, we also requested that Mr. Vogel turnover all extra copies now under his control.
Judge Grace Van Owen: That I cannot order. The agreement clearly grants all possession of the tape to Mr. Vogel and I simply don't have the authority to supersede it.
Rochelle Peters: What about private screenings for, um, 50 or 60 of his closest friends?
Lawyer Barney Dowe: Your Honor, what's going to happen when this tape starts to circulate privately among friends, party to party.
Arnie Becker: That's not going to happen.
Lawyer Barney Dowe: Please, Mr. Becker. Who among us has not seen the Rob Lowe tape? Anyone? Anyone?
Judge Grace Van Owen: Listen, I have done all I can do. And in fact, given my relationship with Mr. Becker's firm, I may well be forced to recuse myself before this matter comes to trial. Which by the way would be just fine with me.


"L.A. Law: Happy Trails (#5.2)" (1990)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Aside from humiliating this firm, what you did boarded on fraud.
Murray Melman: I was just trying to help.
Ann Kelsey: That doesn't help. Passing yourself off as an attorney. Lying to the media, that doesn't help.
Murray Melman: I thought it sounded good. You see it.
Arnie Becker: Murray, you can't do that.
Murray Melman: So you don't want me to help?
Ann Kelsey: No.
Arnie Becker: No.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: No.
Murray Melman: You want me to pitch in?
Arnie Becker, Roxanne Melman: No.
Murray Melman: OK. OK. Just so I understand that. My help you never want.

Arnie Becker: Was the gun inside the holster?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: That's not really important, Arnie.
Arnie Becker: You're probably right. Big fat cowboy Senator Croaks on top of monomania surrogate, who's gonna care about the gun?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Oh, please. Evidently hauling them out as we speak. Arnie, I can't take this relationship anymore. I can't come home to her ask her how was her day and hear about bullwhips and gerbils.
Arnie Becker: So tell her to quit her job.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: She won't. She trained to be a sexual surrogate. She says, "That's what she is. No. I have to ended between us."
Arnie Becker: So ended. Why do you need me?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Because you're the resident expert on wiggling of hoax, that's why. I'm afraid Marilyn's pretty involved. I don't wanna hurt her and I...
Arnie Becker: You want to find the chickens way out.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Exactly.
Arnie Becker: Well, I happen to think that you two make a very good couple, but if you're sure that's what you want, uh, is what you do. Yeah. Take her to a nice elegant restaurant, you know some place where she went dare make a scene, uh, Mickey Blair's. Great. Mickey Blair's. Little wines, helen les soirs, and then you lean over with all humanity that you can muster. When he say, now trust me on this work you say, "Marilyn, I am overrode with ambivalence".
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Come on.
Arnie Becker: I swear to god. And you just drop the bomb, straight out. She's not gonna make a squeak the places too public. She might even admire your honesty. God, I love it when that happens. You say goodbye. You tell her that hurts you, more than it hurts her. You ask for the check. And you don't look back.
[Snaps]
Arnie Becker: Get the ballet on the way in and you'll have the car waiting.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: No. So cold. I was hoping to come out of it as... as friends.
Arnie Becker: Whoa! Big mistake. Big mistake. Believe me. You want a total severance a clean break. The last thing you need, old memories coming back to hunt you.

Stuart Markowitz: Arnie, Douglas?
[Stuart brings Gwen Taylor]
Stuart Markowitz: You know this young lady, don't you?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Oh, yes, hello.
Gwen Taylor: Hello. Hi, Arnie.
Arnie Becker: Gwen, what brings you?
Stuart Markowitz: I just hired her.
Arnie Becker: Oh, great. Great.
Gwen Taylor: So, how's marry life treating you?
Arnie Becker: Good. Uh, very good.
Gwen Taylor: Good. Good.


"L.A. Law: The Venus Butterfly (#1.9)" (1986)
[first lines]
Arnie Becker: So, my client, Mrs. Troutman, decides that she needs to get away for a few days. She packs her things into her car, drives down to her condo in Palm Springs, and puts the key in the door. She opens the door, kicks off her high-heeled shoes, walks down the hallway to the bedroom to collapse in the bed, opens the bedroom door only to find the surprise of her life: her loving husband, in the bed... in the arms of another woman.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Excuse me, Arnold. But why are we squandering valuable staff meeting time to hear this boring ressatation of a mondane little domestic drama?
Arnie Becker: You have interrupted me right at the punchline, Douglas!
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well?
Arnie Becker: You see, that was no "woman." That... was his wife.
[everyone looks at Arnie with puzzlement]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I'm afraid I'm not tracking.
Arnie Becker: Bigamy. Bigamy! Do you know how rare it is? This is the divorce lawyer equilivant of a hole-in-one!

Angela Sipriano: You're going to find this interesting. Your original client was Mrs. Foster F. Troutman. He told her his middle name was Farrell. The one in Palm Springs is Mrs. Foster J. Troutman. He told her his middle named was James. The new ones I found are Mrs. Foster C for Charles, E for Errol, and K for Kenneth.
Arnie Becker: Alphabetical order?
Angela Sipriano: Exactly. Which means that there's most likely 11 of them. A, B, D, G, H, and I still unaccounted for.
Stuart Markowitz: And what about L through Z?
Arnie Becker: How the hell does he do it? Bee pollen?
Angela Sipriano: While we're on that subject, what Mr. Foster does is that he takes their stuff. Jewelry, furs, cars, etc., report them stolen, live on the settlement from the insurance company, and he gives the stolen item to another wife as a gift.
Stuart Markowitz: You know, I'm not a violent man by nature... but boy, what I would really enjoy is five minutes alone in an elevator with this guy!
[Markowitz slams his right fist into his left hand simulating a punch]
Angela Sipriano: Me too. But not for the same reason. I'd like to find out what the big attraction is.

[Becker, Markowitz, and Kelsey are loudly arguing over which one of them will get the late Norman Chaney's office]
Arnie Becker: I had dibs on this office the day he croaked!
Stuart Markowitz: Forget it, Arnie! It doesn't work that way!
Ann Kelsey: You move in here Arnie, and I will scratch the paint off your Porsche!
[McKenzie enters]
Leland McKenzie: SHUT UP!
[Becker, Markowitz and Kelsey are now silent]
Leland McKenzie: Do you realize that your bickering can be heard throughout the complex? Keep this in mind: if you three cannot find some mature and intelligent matter in which to settle this within the next three minutes, this office will be turned into a conference room!
[McKenzie exits and closes the office door shut]
Arnie Becker: All right. Under the circumstances and given the absence of time, there is only one way to settle this.
Ann Kelsey: What?
[Becker removes his suit jacket and holds out his clenched fists]
Stuart Markowitz: Arnie!
Arnie Becker: Come on, we haven't got a lot of time. Get 'em out there. Get them out!
[Markowitz and Kelsey hold out their fists and it is shown that they are playing 'potatos']
Arnie Becker: One potato/two potato/three potato/four. Five potato/six potato/seven potato/more.
[to Kelsey]
Arnie Becker: Out. One potato/two potato/three potato/more. Five potato/six potato/seven potato... more.
Stuart Markowitz: [to Becker; smirks] Out.


"L.A. Law: F.O.B. (#7.15)" (1993)
Arnie Becker: They're lot of ways I can go with this porn. I can become an Independent Producer, I can become an agent.
Gwen Taylor: I thought you're having been a Studio Executive, Arnie.
Arnie Becker: Gwen, in show-business, a sense of complacency is a very dangerous thing.
Ann Kelsey: I'm thinking of opening a restaurant.
Jonathan Rollins: A restaurant?
Ann Kelsey: Yeah. These guys has started the California Pizza Kitchen, we're both lawyers.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: What kind of restaurant?
Ann Kelsey: I don't know yet.
Stuart Markowitz: What about Fast Food Jewish?
Daniel Morales: Fast Food Jewish?
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, absolutely. I'd think it'll be great to be able to walk up to a counter and get a little paper cone filled with Kasha varnishkes.
[Melina laughs]
Jonathan Rollins: Well, I know that something I've always want to do.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well, shall we get started? Falcone vs. Falcone.
Arnie Becker: Yeah, another divorce. I'm meeting with the woman for the first time today. I'll try to dispose of it as painlessly as possible. I'm really not up for a fight.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: People vs. Quinn.
Daniel Morales: That's my murder case. The jury's picked, we go to trial later today.
Ann Kelsey: Are you still holding with the plea of temporary insanity?
Daniel Morales: I don't believe in it, but it's all I got.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Samuels vs. San Fernando Psychiatric.
Ann Kelsey: Uh, all I know is the - this is a negligence action and Samuels knows some people in the Clinton Administration.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Whether we knew some people in the Clinton Administration. Mickey Kantor and Warren Christopher, both came out of L.A. Law firms, they tap in all kinds of people from here to do all kinds of things. What do we get? Nothing.

Leland McKenzie: Are you done, Douglas?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Yeah.
Leland McKenzie: Good. I have something I want to say. I've sat by and watched as this place has changed. People have dissipated their time and wasted their talents. You have all, in varying degrees, pursued other enterprises and neglected the one that this place was built on: The law. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a law office, and while you're present here, you will practice law. Period.
Arnie Becker: Leland.
Leland McKenzie: I'm not done. What you do on your own time is your own business. But at the work week, it belongs to me. So you're all going to have to do little sore searching. I want to see all partners in my office at 5:00 p.m. today. I will expect either a commitment or a resignation.
[Law partners and members will figure it out]

[Arnie have arrive is to meet his client Yvette Falcone. She is still looking]
Yvette Falcone: Arnold Becker.
Arnie Becker: That's me.
Yvette Falcone: I'm Yvette Falcone.
Arnie Becker: Hi. What can I do for you? Please, have a seat.
[Yvette sits down and they meeting other face to face]
Yvette Falcone: I want a divorce.
Arnie Becker: Most people have come to see me do.
[Arnie puts his jacket on]
Yvette Falcone: I've been married 6 years. They're no children. My husband was bringing in about a million a year. He's a prize fighter.
[Arnie check the file]
Arnie Becker: Your husband is Bobby Falcone?
Yvette Falcone: Right.
Arnie Becker: I've seen him fight.
Yvette Falcone: Not recently, you haven't. Isn't that a fight more than a year.
Arnie Becker: What's the problem?
Yvette Falcone: I'm the problem. He knows that half of what he earns while he's married to me is mine. Since he doesn't want his family, he's still fighting.
Arnie Becker: Let me get in touch with his attorney.
Yvette Falcone: I did everything a fighter's wife suppose to do. I took take of him when he needed to taken care of. I left him alone when he needed that. When he fight, I sit at ring side wearing a low cut top, short skirt. If it's important for him, that the whole world saw what he had. Now because I go out on with him one time, he wants to send me on my way with $50,000 on the pain in the ass. No way. I want you to fight for me, Mr. Becker. And I want you to fight for me hard.
Arnie Becker: Call me Arnie.


"L.A. Law: That's Why the Lady Is a Stamp (#7.17)" (1993)
Benny Stulwicz: This is for white paper. This is for color paper.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Uh-huh.
Benny Stulwicz: This is for newspaper.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Right.
Benny Stulwicz: This is for shiny paper.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Benny, try not to spend the whole day on this, you know what I mean?
Benny Stulwicz: Okay.
Dominic Nuzzi: Where's my buddy? Hey, Ben!
Benny Stulwicz: Dominic?
Dominic Nuzzi: There he is. How's it going, chief?
Benny Stulwicz: Dominic, hi.
Dominic Nuzzi: Put out your hand.
Benny Stulwicz: How come?
Dominic Nuzzi: Put out your hand. I got something for you. Ha ha!
[Gives money to Benny]
Dominic Nuzzi: I wheeled an exactly to 8 race and a 25-1 shot. Bingo! He has no idea what I'm talking about. We had a very big day today, Ben! There's three large right in the palm of your hand!
Benny Stulwicz: Oh, thanks. Uh, this is my friend Dominic.
Dominic Nuzzi: Don't dribble on your shirt.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: How do you do?
Dominic Nuzzi: Fine, thank you. Nice to make your acquaintance. Very beautiful offices you have here. Very nice. Very centrally located.
Arnie Becker: Where do you know Benny from?
Dominic Nuzzi: Uh, we, uh, sit at the counter at Du-Par's and have supper every night.

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: All right, folks, busy day today. Let's get on with it. The Craig Estate.
Leland McKenzie: I'll handle that myself, Douglas.
Stuart Markowitz: I'm available if you need me.
Leland McKenzie: Well, thank you. Given the length of time that I have known the family. I think Vivian would be more comfortable. She had to deal only with me.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Moving on. McAlister vs. the United States Postal Service.
Melina Paros: Brian McAlister's wife was shot and killed by a deranged co-worker.
Ann Kelsey: What's the cause of action?
Melina Paros: Wrongful death.
Jonathan Rollins: If the corks deranged, how do you get liability on the part of the Post Office?
Melina Paros: Negligent, supervision, together with a particularly high-stress work environment.
Arnie Becker: Excuse me, the Post Office is high stress?
Melina Paros: The way it's run now, it is.
Arnie Becker: Hey, delivering the mail is not high stress. This is high stress. What we do is high-stress.
Jonathan Rollins: And I think that at least a few of us here are probably deranged as a result of.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Melina, wasn't this matter supposed to be settled?
Melina Paros: It's not for want of trying that isn't, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Unfortunately, what that means for us is that you're going to be consumed with a trial.
Melina Paros: You worried about Southern Pacific statement.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: You're right.
Leland McKenzie: What's the problem?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: The problem is we've been called in by the General Counsel to perfect an appeal and the clock is ticking.

Arnie Becker: Benny, we like you to tell us a little bit more about this friend of yours.
Benny Stulwicz: What do you want to know?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: For starters, we'd like to know why it was that he gave you $3,000.
Benny Stulwicz: The horse he bet on one.
Arnie Becker: But why did he gave you money?
Benny Stulwicz: He always gives me money when the horse wins. I give him money to bet with, and he gives me money if the horse wins. And sometimes I think, even if the horse comes in second, you can still win.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: You give him the money to bet with?
Benny Stulwicz: Yeah.
Arnie Becker: How much money do you give him?
Benny Stulwicz: Uh, that depends on how much money he needs to bet with. Sometimes he doesn't bet anything, and other times, he says you gonna bring down the hammer. That's what he calls it, and... and I give him a $100, $200, one time I gave him $500.
Arnie Becker: Benny, you have to stop doing that.
Benny Stulwicz: Why?
Arnie Becker: Why? Because you work hard for your money. You don't have that much of it, and you shouldn't be giving it to some guy to blow it at the track.
Benny Stulwicz: But he didn't blow it. He won. The other night, I gave him $200 and yesterday he gave me $3,000.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: That's yesterday. What's he gonna do tomorrow?
Benny Stulwicz: I don't know. Uh, paper that has all the different horses that are running comes out in the morning.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Benny, the point is that he shouldn't be doing this with your money. You should be doing it with his money.
Benny Stulwicz: But he don't have any money.
Arnie Becker: Then he shouldn't be gambling. He should be working.
Benny Stulwicz: Well, he says the gambling is working. He says some people go to the office to work and other people go to the track.
Arnie Becker: Benny, this guy is taking advantage of you.
Benny Stulwicz: It's okay, guys, really. I don't mind given him money. He's my friend.
[Benny leaving and walk out the door]


"L.A. Law: Outward Bound (#4.21)" (1990)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Will Rosalind be joining?
Leland McKenzie: Uh, no. No, she won't. As a matter a fact, Rosalind has ask me to informed you all, she'll be leaving by the end of the week.
Arnie Becker: She's taking all those clients with her?
Leland McKenzie: Yes.
[Benny has serve some danishes on the plate. Ann ask Benny how his show of The Wizard of Oz going so far]
Ann Kelsey: So, Benny, how's the show going?
Benny Stulwicz: Good.
Stuart Markowitz: You're shopping for an agent yet?
Benny Stulwicz: No.
[Benny felt bad. And he left the meeting]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: What's with him?
Leland McKenzie: Can we get started?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Cavanaugh vs. Smyth.
Michael Kuzak: And we go today. It's gonna be a tough one.
Arnie Becker: I'm surprised you're even taken it to trial.
Michael Kuzak: Well, outing makes some people pretty mad, Arnie, and particularly the out he...
Jonathan Rollins: What is outing?
Michael Kuzak: There some gay activists like the defendant who believed in forcing other gays to come out of the closet. Sometimes it's gay, politicians who don't support gay causes other times it's just people that they want everyone to know they are gay.
Abby Perkins: Sounds nasty.

Michael Kuzak: Yeah, well the defendant has freedom of the press on his side, what was published was true. So it's not liable. It's probably not invasion privacy either since my guy was a public figure.
Ann Kelsey: Which is why he was out in the first place.
Michael Kuzak: Right.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well, a couple of queens get mad each other. Look out.
Michael Kuzak: These are not queens, Douglas, one is a cop, the other is a journalist. And they are both gays. But they're not queens.
[But guess who's here]
Gwen Taylor: Mr. Becker?
Arnie Becker: Yep.
Gwen Taylor: I'm sorry to interrupt, but lease decker's on the phone wants to know if she can come in at 3:00.
Arnie Becker: Yeah, sure.
Gwen Taylor: Okay.
Victor Sifuentes: Who is?
Arnie Becker: Oh, Roxanne's working half days this week, she needs some more time to tint to her father, so, uh, Gwen is filling in for...
Victor Sifuentes: Gwen.
Leland McKenzie: Is there anything else we can cover?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Actually, that's it.
Michael Kuzak: Uh, just a second. It's no secret that I have been interviewing with the Wall Street Firm. I've decided to go back to New York. My father has cancer, and the doctors give him a year so to live. I'd like to give him a year also myself. I'm sorry.
[Michael will be going]


"L.A. Law: Do the Spike Thing (#6.3)" (1991)
Leland McKenzie: Well, in addition to the broken nose, he suffered facial bruising and a cracked rib.
Arnie Becker: How much they get?
Ann Kelsey: Oh, my God.
Jonathan Rollins: Robbery.
Leland McKenzie: Well, it's, uh, apparently not the motive. He has $200.00 in his wallet when he was admitted to Cedars.
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Where did this happen?
Leland McKenzie: Westside. Outside a restaurant Andrew Cleese?
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Andrew Cleese?
Arnie Becker: You know the place?
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Uh, yeah, it rings the bell.
Stuart Markowitz: So is he gonna miss his own awards luncheon?
Leland McKenzie: Well, I hope not. If this condition remains stable, we'll let him come home tomorrow. In his absence, we'll keep this brief. Roxanne?
Roxanne Melman: Okay, first up we...
Tommy Mullaney: Oh, by the way. Word is the Board of Supervisors is completed its investigation of Mr. Rogoff. As of today, our district attorney is history.
Jonathan Rollins: Yeah. Yes.
Ann Kelsey: Woo!
Jonathan Rollins: Yeah.
Bill Castroverde: Rogoff's final appeal was rejected?
Jonathan Rollins: He withdrew his appeal and got to keep his pension.
Tommy Mullaney: Hey! When did your ties with the DA's office get better than mine?

Roxanne Melman: Moving along.
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Hey, you're going to see Zoey, huh?
Tommy Mullaney: Oh, yeah, you bet.
Leland McKenzie: Can we get started, Roxanne?
Roxanne Melman: Good idea. Uh, Paul vs. Humble Logging.
Leland McKenzie: Oh, yes. That's the saw mill accident.
Ann Kelsey: I'm down to my last motion.
Tommy Mullaney: Ann, you're gotta revoke us here club membership because you're defending loggers.
Ann Kelsey: This time the logging company is not at fault. The tree spiker cause the accident.
Bill Castroverde: Tree spiker?
Stuart Markowitz: An activists that drives nails and tree keep from being cut down.
Arnie Becker: An activist? He's a terrorist.
Ann Kelsey: He's also a co defendant.
Tommy Mullaney: Ah, co defendants.
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Oh, no.
Roxanne Melman: Can we move on, People?
Ann Kelsey: Thanks for the encouragement, guys.
Roxanne Melman: Okay, People, listen up. Now Jonathan got the McFarlane deposition, C.J.'s got Jackson vs., oh, Tommy, you're downtown on the blast was arraignment. Okay, any questions? That's it. We're adjourned.


"L.A. Law: Blood, Sweat and Fears (#4.15)" (1990)
Leland McKenzie: [Leland has arrived at the Conference Room, late night. He is making an announcement to every partners] I want to thank you all for staying late.
Michael Kuzak: So what's going on, Leland?
Leland McKenzie: This. Effective as of this Friday. I am resigning as Senior Partner of this law firm.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: What?
Ann Kelsey: Leland.
Leland McKenzie: I'll stay on as of Counsel. But one of you will have to take over.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Are you sick?
Leland McKenzie: No, no. I'm not sick. My health has nothing to do with it.
Ann Kelsey: Then what? What possible reason could you have for dropping this kind of bomb on us?
Leland McKenzie: Because for some time now, I've hated to come into work, Ann. People keep threatening to quit. People tell me to go to hell. The place is splitting at the scenes and I can't be the one to hold it together very long.
Arnie Becker: So what are we supposed to do?
Leland McKenzie: You'll elect the new Senior Partner, that's what you'll do.
Ann Kelsey: Who? Who here can do this job?
Leland McKenzie: Anybody but me.
Michael Kuzak: Well, you can't do this, Leland.
Leland McKenzie: Oh, yes, I can. I'm old. I'm rich. I'm done.
[Leland resign as Senior Partner and going for to nominate and electing the next Senior Partner for the upcoming Election Day. Leland heads and leave the Conference Room Meeting]

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Lastly, cleanup items. As you know, the vote for the new Senior Partner is Friday, which is just 3 short days away. When it decided by plurality, the declared candidates are Rosalind, Stuart and myself.
Arnie Becker: Uh, Stuart, you little power hog.
Stuart Markowitz: I believe I'm qualified.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Yes, well, best of luck to us all. Let's try to run a clean campaign. And very lastly, I've been instructed to request that you keep the evening of May 4th, clear on your calendar, though I have no idea why.
Abby Perkins: Benny's clinic is doing a play. And he's landed a major role, so I think we shall all be there.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Oh, no. First Roxanne think she's Aretha Franklin. What's he doing? An evening with Mark Twain?
Abby Perkins: The Wizard of Oz. He's playing the Cowardly Lion. And Alice has been cast as Dorothy.
Stuart Markowitz: That's great.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well, that's it, people. We're adjourned.
[Douglas closed his pocket watch with a chain]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Leland?
[Leland gets up]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I'd like a minute of your time, please.
[They all dismissed]


"L.A. Law: I'm in the Nude for Love (#3.8)" (1989)
Michael Kuzak: Sorry.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well, well, welcome back, Brother Kuzak. Freshly returned from exile.
Michael Kuzak: Thank you, thank you.
[Leland is so happy to welcome Kuzak back to the firm]
Arnie Becker: Boy, did that month fly by...
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I take it you're all ready to plunge into your defense the nudist colony.
Michael Kuzak: Yeah, I just came from there. We're ready for trial.
Victor Sifuentes: Ready for trial? Do I detect a little unauthorized practice of law at home here?
Michael Kuzak: Certainly not. My suspension ended on Friday and I prepared over the weekend.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well, in the interest of the firm and a client, I wish you good luck, but as a purely personal observation. I wouldn't want those perverts prancing around my neighborhood either.
Arnie Becker: Check out the centerfold of this month's Flamingo, Mike. It's your star witness.
Michael Kuzak: Yeah, thanks, but... I've already seen the evidence.

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Moving along, Malay vs. Century Partners Limited.
Stuart Markowitz: That's actually, uh, Abby's case. I'm doing a little tax work on it for her.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Abby Perkins is hiring McKenzie, Brackman to work for her?
Stuart Markowitz: That is correct, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Am I assuming we're to be compensated for these services?
Stuart Markowitz: Also correct, you're assuming that.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Ben Ray, Jamie Ferguson?
Victor Sifuentes: Doctor takes the stand today.
Ann Kelsey: How's it going, Victor?
Victor Sifuentes: It's rough, Ann. Real rough.
Michael Kuzak: This is the girl in the coma, right?
Victor Sifuentes: Mm-hmm.
Stuart Markowitz: Forgive me, but I can't see forcing anybody to stay alive like that.
Ann Kelsey: Euthanasia's illegal, Stuart. You can't just kill somebody because...
Arnie Becker: Even her parents want her to die.
Victor Sifuentes: So where do we draw the line? First we stop killing coma patients, and then what? Babies with down syndrome? Retarded people?
Jonathan Rollins: Come on, Victor, the woman's practically brain-dead. If your own parents wanna pull the plug, who are you to say no?
Leland McKenzie: Now we are representing the hospital. This is the firm's client, not just Victor's. Which means to the extent that this draws any questions from the press directed anyone of you, you recite the company line, your personal feelings aside. On-the-record, we stand committed to keeping Jamie Ferguson alive. On-the-record, the taking of a human life is wrong. That is the client's position therefore it is our position. Are we understood?
Arnie Becker: Yeah.
[Dorothy listen quietly]
Leland McKenzie: Good. Move along, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: That's it. We're adjourned.
[They are all dismissed with the Conference meeting]


"L.A. Law: Back to the Suture (#6.10)" (1992)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: He's been there 3 months?
Arnie Becker: According to Roxanne, who knew about this, Benny's been a pretty good parent. He even got the kid enrolled in school, that's a social services caught up with him. Benny couldn't show any proof of legal guardianship.
Stuart Markowitz: We're the real parents.
Arnie Becker: No father, mother's an alcoholic who abandoned him. The kid was living on the streets for 10 months.
Ann Kelsey: Oh, my God.
Arnie Becker: Look, I promise Benny we try to help get him back. Grace is going to handle it, since I could be a witness.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Wait a second. We're going to actually advocate that Benny keep this kid?
Grace Van Owen: Why not?
Ann Kelsey: What's wrong with that?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: He's mentally retarded.
Arnie Becker: I pledge this firm support, he gets it, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: All right. But please. People, under no circumstances is this firm to assume guardianship responsibilities. On a more soothing note, I'm please to announce that no charges will be filed against Tommy Mullaney in the self defense shooting of John Harvey.
[Leland was surprised]
Stuart Markowitz: That must be a relief.
Tommy Mullaney: Yeah.
Grace Van Owen: I'm so surprised, they even considered it.
Tommy Mullaney: Thanks. Thanks, guys.

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Uh, where are we Malone vs. West Side Medical at all.
Ann Kelsey: Deposition start today.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Any settlement offer to our client?
Ann Kelsey: Nothing worth mentioning.
Leland McKenzie: How much?
Ann Kelsey: 25,000.
Leland McKenzie: Should realistic to hope for mortgage account?
Ann Kelsey: Client doesn't want to.
Leland McKenzie: Well, don't you think she should?
Ann Kelsey: We're more concerned with stopping this guy from operating on anybody else, it's only a matter of time for he kill someone.
Tommy Mullaney: Is that the client talking of you?
Jonathan Rollins: Besides, isn't this guy is so unlike the top orthopedic surgeon in the universe?
Ann Kelsey: I've got a client who came out of surgery paralyzed for life. And the scrub nurse who says it's something weird happened to the universe's top orthopedic surgeon in the operating room that day, I'm gonna find out what.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Good for you.
Arnie Becker: Good for her, Mister Settlement? Mister, take the money and run?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Excuse me, believe it or not, I haven't to think there are certain things more important than money.
Stuart Markowitz: Douglas, are you feeling okay?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I'm on your side, Ann.
Ann Kelsey: Thank you, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Now that concludes our business. We're adjourned.
[Stuart closes his not and Ann closed the notebook. The meeting is over. Leland is waiting for awhile]


"L.A. Law: Justice Swerved (#4.17)" (1990)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Moving on. I'm lunching with Richard Mermelstein, CEO of Tabun.
[Abby laughing]
Leland McKenzie: Oh, sorry, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Who's got an idea for a new television interaction program? Arnold, I like you to join.
Arnie Becker: Well, I can't. Corrinne and I taking Chloe to lunch this afternoon, it's her 7th Birthday.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Stiff them. This is a big paying client.
Arnie Becker: I will not stiff them, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Come on, Arnold, I'm talking about new business. Renter a clown for today or give her the puppet show, but...
Rosalind Shays: All right, Douglas, let's not get into this big debate right now. Move along.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I'm sorry, Arnold has the expertise in entertainment, he should be there.
Leland McKenzie: Then you should've given him notice. Move along, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: What are you still telling me to move along? It's the right to snap, "Move along, Douglas," a function a Senior Partner status only is everyone here have that authority. Last week, it was Michael. Jonathan, Abby, would you like to tell me to move along? Why don't you try it?
Abby Perkins: Move along, Douglas.

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: People vs. Elizabeth and Wayne Lafferty.
Michael Kuzak: Victor's in court.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Representing the baby killers.
Michael Kuzak: He's only representing the mother. The judge wanted co-counsel because this is a murder case, he appointed John Trischuta to represent the father.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I don't know how you can defend either one of them.
Michael Kuzak: The baby wasn't killed, Douglas, the baby died. Sudden infant death syndrome.
Arnie Becker: So that there he goes.
Michael Kuzak: Victor says they're innocent and I believe him.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: All I know is it'll be nice to see this firm representing somebody other than accused murderer for a change.
Abby Perkins: I have this arsonist I'm trying to sake.
[Douglas don't like it]
Abby Perkins: Just kidding. Move along, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Isn't it nice to have this Lafferty?
[Douglas closed his Gold Pocket Watch]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: We're adjourned.


"L.A. Law: Where There's a Will (#7.14)" (1993)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Oh, for heaven's sakes. What's wrong with Benny? No bagels. No bear claws.
Arnie Becker: No, blame L.A.'s finest who have us surrounded.
Gwen Taylor: It's been under surveillance is no picnic, Arnie, but I'm trying to go about my daily routines, so... let's get on with business.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Couldn't put it better myself. First up, everyone's favorite. Innocent convict. People vs. Osgood.
Leland McKenzie: Well, the bad news is Phillip Tice who confessed to the Halliday murder, uh, recently died. On the upside, I have secured an address on the missing witness. Daniel and I plan on paying him a visit.
Daniel Morales: Assuming the address is current.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Let's hope so because this could be for Frank Osgood's last chance. Next. People vs. Darcy.
Melina Paros: Anton Darcy is a longtime family friend. The grand jury indicted him for arranging his father's murder. I believe he's being framed.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: What do you know the grand jury doesn't?
Melina Paros: Come on, Douglas, the grand jury with an indictable bologna sandwich has the D.A. wanted.
Leland McKenzie: Doesn't the D.A. have a confession?
Melina Paros: Not from our client, the police have another suspect in custody who's been offered a deal, now he's pointing the finger at Anton to save himself.
Jonathan Rollins: Because the trial's been expedited, I've been helping Melina, and I'll step in as needed.
[Leland gives cheers to Jonathan while drinking his glass of orange juice]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Keep us posted.

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Bancroft vs. Bennett.
Ann Kelsey: Camille Bancroft, a Shakespeare Professor at Stanford is suing her colleague Simon Bennett for unfair competition.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Over Shakespeare?
Ann Kelsey: Simon Bennett and Camille Bancroft have taught together for years, not long ago he published his own book, based on their teaching method.
Stuart Markowitz: That's a great book. Shakespeare in Love. Won the Pulitzer Prize.
Ann Kelsey: Right. Deposition start today, and I was hoping to reach a settlement, but Simon and Camille are like stubborn children. They always have been.
Leland McKenzie: Do you know them?
Ann Kelsey: My first year at Stanford, I majored in drama. Overtime, I kept in touch with Camille.
Arnie Becker: Shakespeare's so depressing, I mean the lovers are always doomed.
Gwen Taylor: They're dead.
Melina Paros: That's why they call 'em tragedy.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: All's well that ends well.
[Douglas closed his pocket watch that the time is up. The law meeting is adjourned]


"L.A. Law: Beauty and Obese (#2.13)" (1988)
Jonathan Rollins: [on TV] No, no Gina. That just they way they are.
Gina Westland: It's sounds like they're incompetent.
Jonathan Rollins: No, not incompetent, just amusing. We have one partner I won't mention names but... it's Brackman! He keeps having extramarital affairs. He even slept with his female bailiff when he was a small claims court judge.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: [watching on the TV] Oh, God! OH, GOD!
Jonathan Rollins: [on the TV] And our divorce lawyer Arnold Becker beds down with around 90% of his female clients.
Arnie Becker: [watching the TV] Son of a bitch!
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: He's fired!
Jonathan Rollins: [on TV] And we have two partners, Ann Kelsey and Stuart Markowitz, that sleep with each other.
Gina Westland: Come on!
Jonathan Rollins: They are married, but I heard it was a shotgun wedding.
Ann Kelsey: That bastard!
Stuart Markowitz: I'll kill him!
Jonathan Rollins: [on TV] But you know what really gets me? It's that none of them... NONE of them can tell the difference between a live broadcast... and a videotaped gag. Gotcha!
Arnie Becker: What the...?
Jonathan Rollins: [on the TV to the lawyers] I know I got you!

[Knocking on the door]
Arnie Becker: Come in.
[Opening the door is Roxanne]
Roxanne Melman: Arnie. There's a mistake in my paycheck. It's a $100 more than it supposed to be.
Arnie Becker: I affirm that it's your raise.
Roxanne Melman: A raise? A week ago they were going to fire me. It's out of your pocket, isn't it?
Arnie Becker: What's the difference where it comes from?
Roxanne Melman: Thank you, Arnie, for this. For sticking by me, for not clubbing me on the head with that I told you so about to me.
Arnie Becker: Rox, you're not the first person to fall in love and make a mistake.
Roxanne Melman: I guess I'd feel better about myself if it was just love. It wasn't. I was seduced by the money all around me, everything I see people with great clothes, great cars, great houses. It gets to me sometimes.
Arnie Becker: There's nothing wrong with wanting the same thing as everyone else, Rox.
Roxanne Melman: Oh, I know. I know I can want them. The difference is, I was stealing them. Anyway, I just wanted you to know, I'm pretty glad you're in my corner.
[Roxanne kissed Arnie's head]
Arnie Becker: Ouch. My hair.


"L.A. Law: Cold Shower (#7.16)" (1993)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Uh, can we get started?
Leland McKenzie: Just start, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I'm started. People vs. Matz.
[That's for Jonathan Rollins' while pouring to get a cup of coffee]
Jonathan Rollins: Yes. Yes. That's mine. Matz' has accused of selling stolen artwork to undercover cop. I'm pleading entrapment.
Melina Paros: That's a tough cell.
Daniel Morales: I know it is. You yet to stolen art in his position?
Jonathan Rollins: He did.
Daniel Morales: Any sold it to the cop?
Jonathan Rollins: Yep.
Melina Paros: So where's the entrapment?
Jonathan Rollins: Well, my client's gay. He claims to a fallen for the cop. He also claims that it was mutual, I'd say for the purposes of his trial at least that, uh, the cop seduce him.
Arnie Becker: In other words, it's your only shot.
Jonathan Rollins: Yes, right.
Ann Kelsey: Then it must me true.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: In the matter of Celeste Bauman.
Stuart Markowitz: Yes, that's me. Uh, Ms. Bauman has accompanied that markets' vitamins and dietary supplements, the IRS claims that she has under paid her taxes by some $800,000, and for some reason to being nasty about it.
Melina Paros: The IRS's nasty?
Stuart Markowitz: Celeste is gonna need little managing, but I think we can resolve it.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Gwen, you're observing on to this one, correct?
Gwen Taylor: Yep.

Roxanne Melman: Arnie, Jack Caller's here.
Arnie Becker: I gotta go.
[Ann finds out how Roxanne's been]
Ann Kelsey: How you're feeling, Roxanne?
Roxanne Melman: Pretty good.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Everything going all right? Visa V-V pregnancy?
Roxanne Melman: So far.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Good.
[Leland was so relieved about Roxanne's pregnancy. Arnie will be going and escorted out by Roxanne]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: How much paid leave are we on the hook forward this one?
Stuart Markowitz: 6 weeks.
Ann Kelsey: You wouldn't have a problem with that by any chance, would you, Douglas?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Oh, no. I think it's the least we can do.


"L.A. Law: Hello and Goodbye (#7.13)" (1993)
[Here in the kitchen cabinet, Roxanne is having a snack break is the bag of soda crackers to eat]
Arnie Becker: Roxanne, you got crumbs all over the Behringer file.
Roxanne Melman: Better than the alternative. At least soda crackers stay down.
[Roxanne looking up the file]
Roxanne Melman: But this note.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Any word on Lucy?
Roxanne Melman: Still missing. Oh.
Arnie Becker: What?
Roxanne Melman: I guess wrong about that soda crackers. Whoa.
[Roxanne is heading somewhere to cool off. Douglas saw Roxanne took off]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: So what's the latest on my Hoover?
Arnie Becker: Over budget.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Has that?
Arnie Becker: Long and short of it, your books overwritten, we have to make cuts.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: What did you take out?
Arnie Becker: A little judicious trimming here and there. Chapters 4-12.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Those chapters were the heart of my story.
Arnie Becker: Douglas worldwide wouldn't have to make any cuts if we rescaled the production. The scope of the material may be too intimate for big-budget release.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Ah, a smaller boutique presentations, similar to a foreign film?
Arnie Becker: No, more like a movie of the week. It - it now takes place. No women's prison. Haa.

Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Any word on Daniel's baby?
Leland McKenzie: No. Not yet. But we're all working on the problem.
Arnie Becker: Well, colleagues at Channel 3 have been...
Jonathan Rollins: I've got City Council members getting the word out on the district's.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well, let's hoped his efforts pay off before time runs out for Lucy.
[Leland is looking at his appointment book]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well, Collins vs. Reeve and KINX News. Wasn't this settled?
Melina Paros: KINX is offering nuisance value, but on my advice, Mrs. Collins has refused.
Leland McKenzie: What cause of action?
Melina Paros: Wrongful death. We're suing the cameraman and the newsgroup for 1,000,000 bucks.
Arnie Becker: Come on, this poor guys distraught over losing his job barbecues himself on TV. You blame the press.
Melina Paros: If the cameraman weren't there, my client's husband would be alive.
Jonathan Rollins: Except for the first amendment, you might have a case.
Melina Paros: I know I'm pushing the envelope, but the people attire the media's lack of responsibility, I think it'll fly.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Who knows? Maybe we'll said a President, we could use the publicity.


"L.A. Law: Captain Hurt (#4.2)" (1989)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Since we can assume that Michael's loss to us for the duration of this trial. Victor, would you make sure that is more drab less newsworthy cases don't require immediate attention?
Victor Sifuentes: Will do.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Ah, Benny, very good. Just set it down right here.
[Benny bought fresh fruit]
Ann Kelsey: Good god! Where the togas?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: People, you can't eat too much fresh fruit. I want the content to cleanse the gastrointestinal tract. Zero cholesterol. These are things, we need to pay attention to try though, we might to ignore them. In fact, I have instructed Benny to put fruit in all our offices.
Leland McKenzie: Thank you, Douglas. Can we move on with the meeting?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Ah, Hammond vs. Hammond. Arnold?
Arnie Becker: Yeah. Hotshot architect walks out on wife and child, I should be able to carve out a major counsel fee. Whatever midsection.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: You're here, having just seen the quarterly reports, whether we were all doing likewise.
Leland McKenzie: Yes, uh, Stuart, you might fill us in a few, these horrible tales.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, uh, have grossed income is down 11%, malpractice premiums are up again. And, uh, is this balloon payment due next month and the office renovations
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: We're sluggish and bloated. We need to be lean and mean. On that, we're adjourned.
[Douglas eating a fresh strawberry]


"L.A. Law: The Pay's Lousy, But the Tips Are Great (#4.10)" (1990)
Arnie Becker: [Here at the filing room, Law Messenger Benny Stulwicz is preparing the papers, but Arnie is back and came to say hi to Benny] Hi-ya, Benny.
[Benny was just to press the button in that machine]
Arnie Becker: I said hello, Benny.
Benny Stulwicz: Hello.
Arnie Becker: You want to tell me what's the matter?
Benny Stulwicz: No.
Arnie Becker: You're mad at me because I left the firm, aren't you?
Benny Stulwicz: I'm busy now.
Arnie Becker: [Arnie turns off the button of the keypads. But Benny continues to press the button on. Arnie turns off the switch at the left end corner. Benny does it when he turned on. Arnie takes off the plug] Benny, if you're mad, I think you're owe me the courtesy talking to me about it.
Benny Stulwicz: You lied.
Arnie Becker: I didn't really lied to you, Ben, know I just...
Benny Stulwicz: Yes, you did. You said you and Roxanne were going to the car, and you said you were coming back. That's a lie.
Arnie Becker: Well, I did that for your own protection, believe it or not. You see, it was important that nobody at the firm know about my leaving and... it's - it's - it's - it's kinda hard to explain why, can you just trust me on that?
Benny Stulwicz: No.
Arnie Becker: Well, I think you can trust the fact that you and I are friends, Benny, and I would never do anything to hurt you.
Benny Stulwicz: You went away! And you didn't even say good-bye!
Arnie Becker: [Benny was mad and got upset and he walk away] But...
[Arnie doesn't even know what to do]


"L.A. Law: Auld L'Anxiety (#2.6)" (1987)
Jonathan Rollins: You wanted to see me, Arnie?
Arnie Becker: Yeah, two things. First of all, Mr. O'Halloran caved in on the divorce settlement. He couldn't take it anymore and just signed a fantastic agreement. Our client's ecstatic. A large settlement for her and a big commission for us, including you.
Jonathan Rollins: That's great! I knew it!
Arnie Becker: Second, McKenzie and Brackman aren't ecstatic. They didn't like your attitude, they didn't like your tactics that went on for days. They want me to reprimand you for your behavior.
[Becker and Rollins walk into Becker's office where Becker looks around before facing Rollins again]
Arnie Becker: [sarcastic] Bad boy, Jonathan. Bad, bad, boy.
Jonathan Rollins: [shrugs] Sorry.
Arnie Becker: Don't let us catch you doing anything like this again. Are we clear?
Jonathan Rollins: Absolutely.


"L.A. Law: The Princess and the Pee (#3.5)" (1988)
Arnie Becker: All right, we have a lot of ground to cover, so why don't we get started?
Stan Nussbaum: Fire away, Arnie.
Arnie Becker: We're already an agreement on the children.
[Arnie takes a seat with Douglas]
Arnie Becker: The house goes to Sheila. Douglas provides $2,500 a month in maintenance and continues to pay the utilities. Place in Santa Barbara get sold em proceed split.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Unless, you wanna hold on to it.
Sheila Brackman: No, no.
Arnie Becker: Douglas establishes a trust fund for the kids education to be administered by Sheila. Sheila is interest to McKenzie, Brackman to be bought out $200,000, payable upon execution.
Stan Nussbaum: Sounds good so far. Sheila?
Sheila Brackman: It's fine.
Arnie Becker: Sheila takes the Jaguar. Douglas takes the Mercedes, and maintains the insurance and both. The stamp collection inherited from Douglas' father and augmented with community assets will be retained by Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Only because it's a link to my father.
Sheila Brackman: It's fine, really.
Arnie Becker: Well, that substantially it. I prepare to schedule of everything, so you can verify the figures.
[Hand it the paper]
Stan Nussbaum: Great.
[Looking in the paper]
Stan Nussbaum: Well, I must say I never expected such an amicable get together. Arnie.
Arnie Becker: Stan.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: There's one more thing. Your place in the Brackman family plot.
Sheila Brackman: What about it?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I'm keeping it for you.


"L.A. Law: Pilot (#1.1)" (1986)
[Roxanne shows Arnie the dead body of Norman Chaney across his desk]
Roxanne Melman: Mr. Chaney. I didn't actually touched him. But I'm pretty sure he's dead.
Arnie Becker: If he is, I got dibs on his office.


"L.A. Law: Vowel Play (#5.6)" (1990)
[Vanna White is at the office to see Douglas Brackman]
Arnie Becker: There's a Vanna White in the office looking for you, Dougie.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Ha. Ha. Very funny. Why don't the two of you go somewhere and have a vowel movement together.
Vanna White: [enters his office] That's not a very nice thing to say.


"L.A. Law: Oy Vey! Wilderness! (#1.21)" (1987)
[a distraught Arnie pulls his car off a road and dials a number on his car phone]
Roxanne Melman: [voice] Hi, you've reached Roxanne. I'm not home right now, but if you leave your name and any brief message at the sound of the beep, I will get back to you. Thank you. Have a great day!
[the beep is heard]
Arnie Becker: [into the phone] This is Arnold Becker. I'm calling from Pico Boulevard where I've just pulled over to the curb to wait out the impulse to head due west until I crash through the guardrail of the Pacific Coast Highway to plunge to my death in the ocean below. I hope you're are having a hell of a good time in Hawaii.
[hangs up]


"L.A. Law: Something Old, Something Nude (#6.1)" (1991)
Arnie Becker: [Ann is interrupted by Becker steaming in] What is this crap, Douglas? I come in, I'm running late, my messages haven't been picked up, my mail hasn't been opened and there's a bimbo sitting outside my office telling me Gwen has serving jury duty. I thought you were going to get her excused.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: She didn't want me to. You'll just have to survive with a temp.
Arnie Becker: I have special needs, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Personnel is Roxanne's department. Use your influence.
[to the group]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Jonathan has the Lunsford deposition, C.J. starts People vs. Manheim, I meet on the Powell trust. Anything else?
[No one answer]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Uh, one more note. We may be renting out our extra office space...
Leland McKenzie: This isn't settled yet.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Then we're adjourned.
[And they all disperse]


"L.A. Law: P.S. Your Shrink Is Dead (#6.17)" (1992)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: You want, how much more?
Sheila Brackman: 500,000 a month is not unreasonable.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: If you're a rock star, if you're Walter Annenberg, but if you're me. It damn well is unreasonable.
Sheldon Ganz: Mr. Brackman, please.
Sheila Brackman: You parsimonious piece of phlegm.
Arnie Becker: You are name-calling, try this, propagate extravagant.
Sheldon Ganz: Arnie, come on!
Arnie Becker: You would have to demonstrate need, Sheila, not want!
Sheila Brackman: Fine. You want to talk need? Let's talk about Alexander's therapy sessions. 3 times a week, 120 session. That's 1,500 a month right there.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: 3 times a week. Jeffrey Dahmer doesn't need 3 times a week.
Arnie Becker: And this 300 week for private tutoring in math and English, this is necessary?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: For God's sakes. He gets straight A's in math.
Sheila Brackman: Nations have risen and fallen since he got an A in math.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: This isn't about Alexander. It's about Veronica. You're gouging me for sleeping with your sister.
Sheldon Ganz: That's out of line.
Sheila Brackman: This is about Alexander. Last week, I found empty beer cans
Arnie Becker: Well, let's call the FBI.
Sheldon Ganz: What the hell is your problem?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: How do you know those weren't brother's beer cans? I could believe that of him. But Alexander.
Sheila Brackman: What do you know about Alexander? You get him twice a month, a weekend here and there? But you don't live with him. You don't know him.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I could do a hell of a lot better job of raising him than you.


"L.A. Law: Victor/Victorious (#3.9)" (1989)
[Here at Becker's office, Arnie is writing something in his writing pad. But someone is opening the door, Allison Gottlieb got a surprise, it's a videocassette]
Allison Gottlieb: Ta-da. The finished product.
[Allison tossed the videocassette and giving to Arnie Becker and looked at it]
Allison Gottlieb: What do you think?
Arnie Becker: Nice. Very, very nice. I like the disaster credit. Arnold Becker's Guide to Divorce.
Allison Gottlieb: They're not gonna be able to keep it on the shelves.
Arnie Becker: Your lipsticks to God's ears.
Allison Gottlieb: Hey, I've done a billion of these things. This one's got popped. It's gonna be a huge seller.
Arnie Becker: You think so?
[Allison kisses Arnie]
Allison Gottlieb: It's great. You're great. I got to run.
Arnie Becker: Allison, you're always running. Why don't you stop for a minute? And smell the daisies.
Allison Gottlieb: My luck, I get stung by the bee.
Arnie Becker: Dinner tonight. Celebrate.
Allison Gottlieb: I can't, I'm working. Oh, and Dave Meyer's said to tell you that he'll send the case of those over tomorrow.


"L.A. Law: To Live and Diet in L.A. (#3.7)" (1989)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Moving along, has anyone heard from the long lost Mr. Kuzak?
Victor Sifuentes: I have.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: And? Is he pondering the error of his ways?
Victor Sifuentes: Yeah, I think so. He's planning to go fishing.
Arnie Becker: Life's a bitch, ain't it?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Victor, where are we on Jacobs vs. Teller?
Victor Sifuentes: I'm deposing Mr. Teller this morning.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Jonathan, the deforest motion?
Jonathan Rollins: Still pending.
Leland McKenzie: Well... who's the judge on that one?
Jonathan Rollins: Steven Lang.
Leland McKenzie: Well, let me see. Let me call his clerk.
[Leland will telephone to Judge Lang's clerk]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Ms. Wyler, how go to the McNally Interrogatories?
Dorothy Wyler: The responses have all been drafted and sent to the client for his review. I'm getting his notes this afternoon and the revisions will be ready for his signature tomorrow morning.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Very good. Very good!
Secretary: Ms. Kelsey, there's a collect call for you.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Excuse me?
Ann Kelsey: I'll take it.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Lastly, having been accused in past years of stinting on our Christmas festivities, I gladly bow to majority will and relinquish control of our annual party to our crock financial watchdog, Stuart Markowitz. Well, the final figures of our 1988 party are in. And his able hands, we soared passed our budget by a full 41%.
Stuart Markowitz: Excuse me, Douglas.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: It was a joke.


"L.A. Law: Dead Issue (#8.18)" (1994)
Arnie Becker: You produced the pornographic movie?
Yale Tobias: Yes.
Arnie Becker: When?
Yale Tobias: You were shooting when?
Holly Tobias: February.
Yale Tobias: In the middle of February. Holly both directed and starred.
Arnie Becker: Really?
Holly Tobias: Yes, it's something I've wanted to do for a long time.
Yale Tobias: Holly and I are engaged.
Arnie Becker: Ah, congratulations.
Holly Tobias: Thank you.
Yale Tobias: This could have come in the worse time.
Arnie Becker: How did the DA find out about this movie?
Holly Tobias: Someone from the lab that process the film told us.
Arnie Becker: Is there anything in there that's particularly... shocking or illegal.
Holly Tobias: Absolutely not.


"L.A. Law: Zo Long (#7.3)" (1992)
[Back at the LA Law firm building. Roxanne will substituted today for Douglas because he not in the meeting today because he's in jail]
Roxanne Melman: Should we get started? First stop, People vs. Douglas Brackman.
Arnie Becker: He broke the law and the law won.
Daniel Morales: With 90 days in jail?
Leland McKenzie: Arnold, I know this isn't your primary area of expertise, but Douglas insisted on our representation.
Arnie Becker: Yeah, of course. He doesn't wanna pay.
Leland McKenzie: Why... Just do your best to get him release.
Roxanne Melman: Yes, please, billable hours accounts receivable something for Douglas and I'm drowning in red ink. All right, next, uh, Weston vs. Weston.
Gwen Taylor: Yeah, Ann's still working at home, I've been assisting some writing depositions, and we go to trial next week unless some settlement can be reached.
Leland McKenzie: You have any questions or Ann's unavailable, you come to me. This firm needs Alec Weston's business.
Roxanne Melman: Uh, anything else, Leland?
Leland McKenzie: Uh, yes, don't forget Election Day is just around the corner. If the latest polls are any indication, Jonathan Rollins could use whatever support we could muster.
Roxanne Melman: That's all.
Arnie Becker: In and out. That's what the staff meetings all about.
Gwen Taylor: Things are getting pretty thin here.
Daniel Morales: Pretty soon, we could get together in the elevator.
Arnie Becker: For the employment line.
Leland McKenzie: All right, now listen up. Douglas and I have made no secret of the fact that our situation here at McKenzie, Brackman is precarious at best. However you should be equally clear of the fact that I poured my life blood into this firm and I'll be damned if I'm gonna give up now. I expect the same commitment from all of you.
[Leland leaves towards the meeting window door exit, but turned back and look at Arnie Becker]
Leland McKenzie: Becker, get a haircut! You look ridiculous.
[Gwen looked at Arnie with a long hair, beard, and mustache. Gwen laughed at Arnie]


"L.A. Law: I'm Ready for My Closeup, Mr. Markowitz (#6.12)" (1992)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Next up. Campos et al vs. Halifax Chemical.
Tommy Mullaney: We're going to trial.
[Brackman and McKenzie exchange a look]
Grace Van Owen: This is the class action suit brought by the Hondurans?
Tommy Mullaney: Uh-huh. I'm co-chair with Alex DePalma, the attorney who brought it to us. Farm workers down there used a real nasty pesticide called Trichlor, also known as "Wallop." It made 400 of them sterile.
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Wallop indeed.
Tommy Mullaney: Trichlor was suspended by the E.P.A., but Halifax kept shipping tons of the stuff to Honduras.
Ann Kelsey: I thought this case was dismissed on jurisdictional grounds.
Tommy Mullaney: We appealed. The court ruled that since Halifax is based in California, we can try it here.
Arnie Becker: Foreign workers suing in our courts? Good luck.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: It's worse than you think. DePalma is a solo practitioner from East L.A. Halifax is represented by Breech and Spitzer.
Jonathan Rollins: Those guys are pit bulls.
Arnie Becker: Kiss this one goodbye.
Tommy Mullaney: Look. We know it's a long shot. But what that company did to these people was a crime.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: But you can't write every wrong in the world. And this is eating up billable hours...
Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Hours aren't the point here.
Stuart Markowitz: This is about conscience.
Arnie Becker: Come on, folks. We have to have some fiscal responsibility...
Jonathan Rollins: Yeah, but how far are we expected to go?
Leland McKenzie: [to Mullaney] Before this goes any further, I want to talk to Mr. DePalma and the class rep.
[to Brackman]
Leland McKenzie: Anything else, Douglas?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: No. We're adjourned.


"L.A. Law: Parent Trap (#7.12)" (1993)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Anybody know the whereabouts of our Mr. Morales?
Gwen Taylor: He had a pro bono arraignment this morning.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Then let's begin. First, People vs. Emory Lewis and Gary Stubbs. I should hope those animals who beat you will finally get convicted.
Stuart Markowitz: Unfortunately, the eyewitness backed out, she's afraid of reprisals from neighborhood kids if she testify.
Ann Kelsey: That shouldn't affect our case. Stuart was really convincing at the prelim health do even better at trial tomorrow.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Next. Marciante vs. Bernheim Memorial Hospital.
Jonathan Rollins: That's mine. Anthony Marciante's girlfriend is brain dead after the automobile accident. She's also 18 weeks pregnant.
Gwen Taylor: And being used as an incubator to bring the baby to a term, I caught those stories in the news, that's grotesque.
Jonathan Rollins: We're seeking a court order to keep her body functioning long enough to deliver the baby. However, the girlfriend's mother wants to pull the plug and bury your daughter.
Arnie Becker: Well, I agree, the woman's dead, for God's sake.
Jonathan Rollins: Arnie, we're talking about a potential human life. Mr. Marciante wants to be a father.
Gwen Taylor: You should have thought about that before driving himself and his girlfriend off the road drunk.
Ann Kelsey: He killed her and now he wants to...
Jonathan Rollins: It was an accident.
Stuart Markowitz: He's still has rights.
Arnie Becker: So's the girl's mother.
Melina Paros: What about the baby?
Leland McKenzie: All right, folks, we're all in the same team.
[But Daniel Morales has arrived late in the meeting]
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Mr. Morales? Honor that you can join us? How's the arraignment?
Daniel Morales: Um, People vs. Alejandro Cruz, he's charged with the shooting a news vender who refuse to pay protection money.
Leland McKenzie: Any extenuating circumstances, Daniel?
Daniel Morales: No, Leland, not really, I'm trying to have Cruz tried in the Juvenile, but right now that's looking doubtful.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well, if there's no other business. We're adjourned.
[Douglas closed his gold hunter case from the pocket watch that the time is up]


"L.A. Law: He's a Crowd (#5.12)" (1991)
Corrine's Lawyer: How long have you been in Mr. Becker's direct employment?
Roxanne Melman: 12 years.
Corrine's Lawyer: And in that time, how many affairs had Mr. Becker had with his female divorce clients?
Roxanne Melman: I don't know.
Corrine's Lawyer: More then 25?
Roxanne Melman: I guess... I don't know.
Corrine's Lawyer: More then 50?
[pause]
Corrine's Lawyer: Awnser the question, Miss Melman.
Roxanne Melman: I'm thinking.
Arnie Becker: Oh, please Roxanne! 50?
Corrine's Lawyer: [to Becker] Interrupt again, I'll suspend these proceedings and move for costs and sanctions.
Arnie Becker: Threaten me again, and I'll pick you like a crusty scab you cheap night school act!


"L.A. Law: God Is My Co-Counsel (#8.14)" (1994)
Benny Stulwicz: [Open the door to arrived] What do you want, Arnie?
Arnie Becker: He said he wanted to see you.
[Benny turned is Tim. Tim is hereby signing the annulment paper to handover to Benny who is going to marry Rosalie after the engagement]
Benny Stulwicz: What do you want?
Tim: I came to sign the paper.
Benny Stulwicz: You did?
Tim: Yeah, I didn't do it because of you. And I didn't do it because of you, either. I... I did it because of Rosalie.
Arnie Becker: That's okay.
Tim: [Tim got something is the sealed envelope] But, uh, I... I... I... I want you to give this to her before the wedding.
Arnie Becker: May I inquire as to what is in there?
Tim: No. And... and... and you can't look at what's inside there, either. You... you... you gotta promise not to look.
Benny Stulwicz: Oh, okay.
Tim: And... and you also got to promise now you give it to her.
Benny Stulwicz: Okay.
Tim: Say you promise.
Benny Stulwicz: I promise.
[Tim handing over the sealed envelope to Benny Stulwicz and give it to his lovely engaged soon to marry Rosalie Hendrickson before the wedding. And moving along, Tim is ready and ask Arnie where do he signed the papers]
Tim: Where do I sign?
[Arnie points the paper before having Tim signed his signature]
Arnie Becker: Right there.
[Arnie hand Tim a pen and sign his name in the annulment paper, where it says, "X Marks the Spot". Arnie smiles happily to Benny. It's ready and Tim leaves the door to exit Arnie's office. And now Benny is now going to get ready to marry his future wife Rosalie Hendrickson on Saturday. Arnie patted Benny]
Arnie Becker: You're getting married.
Benny Stulwicz: Yeah.


"L.A. Law: Izzy Ackerman or Is He Not (#3.11)" (1989)
Michael Kuzak: It's not all my fault! Ray never even told us that his wife had been married before.
Arnie Becker: [while reading the Davis marriage and divorce papers] Douglas, I don't think we have anything to worry about.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: No? Trust me, the legal malpractice sharks will be at our door salivating this.
Arnie Becker: You think this was malpractice?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I don't, but you can be damn sure that Ray Davis is gonna find someone who does.
Michael Kuzak: When I left him, he was a little too devastated to be even thinking about formulating a battle plan to sue us.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Believe me, that won't last. In five days from now, he and his new lawyers are gonna be rising up like the wrath of God.
Michael Kuzak: Well, he will go after somebody.
Arnie Becker: Hey Mike, if Ray decides to go after somebody, that somebody is us. Douglas is right. Ray Davis does have the grounds to sue all of us for malpractice.
Michael Kuzak: Well, maybe he should sue us. How else is he going to get any compensation for this disaster?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Uh-oh. This attitude of yours worries me. I got a distinct feeling that in an attempt to offer Ray Davis compassion with your very own admitted words: "Oh, I'm very sorry, Ray. I could have done better"... you just served up admissions of negligence!
Michael Kuzak: The poor man lost his wife because some hospital let her die because they didn't have any health insurance! Worse still, he also finds out that he was never legally married to her in the first place because she kept her whole past about her first husband and fraudulent divorce in Mexico a secret from him. Doesn't compassion or sympathy for Ray Davis enter into this at all for you?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: So long as it doesn't cost us money.
Michael Kuzak: Ah, the old refrain! Everything is always about money with you! The ultimate lynchpin consideration to which all issues turn!
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Don't get high-mined on us, Michael. You are the one who screwed up here! You overlooked making any background check on Ray Davis' wife and didn't find this loophole first! You messed up, not Dorothy, not us... you!
Michael Kuzak: Careful, Douglas! You'd better not say that outside of this office because it might cost us money!


"L.A. Law: One Rat, One Ranger (#4.5)" (1989)
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Dorian vs. Togetherness Dating Service.
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, that's mine. What year is complete, we go to trial this afternoon.
Leland McKenzie: This case really can't be settled, Stuart?
Stuart Markowitz: No, the conscience, I wouldn't recommend it, Leland.
Leland McKenzie: Why not?
Stuart Markowitz: Because the gravamen of the plaintiff's case is such, that we're going beat her cold.
Jonathan Rollins: Could not still end up costing us more than a settlement?
Stuart Markowitz: Mm-mm. Not if I'm successful and my motions for cost this person's legal fees, plus, let's not forget. If resettle, there'll be more plaintiffs coming out of woodwork.
Arnie Becker: Gravamen?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Giant Sequoia Taurus Council vs. Giant Sequoia beverages.
Abby Perkins: That's mine, we're representing a small mineral water company that's being sued for using the name Giant Sequoia. They claim is the fraudulent misrepresentation where the water comes from.
Victor Sifuentes: Where does it come from?
Abby Perkins: I also got to know.


"L.A. Law: Tunnel of Love (#8.19)" (1994)
[first lines]
Arnie Becker: As far as I'm concerned, Patrick Flanagan is a felon. He gave me assurances that this little girl would not testify. That is obstruction of justice.
Leland McKenzie: Do you have any proof of that?
Arnie Becker: Of course, I don't have proof.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Patrick says that he tried notify you with the settlement offer. You were unavailable.
Leland McKenzie: He also maintains that no such assurances were made.
Arnie Becker: He's lying. Less to be under any further illusions, this is someone who lies. He stood my office, he told me what he wanted to do. I told him, no uncertain terms: "do not do." He went ahead and he did it anyway
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Parenthetically, it should be noted that he did bring in about $9 million.
Arnie Becker: Douglas, he is dangerous.
Leland McKenzie: Now, I think that might be a little harsh.
Arnie Becker: All right, Leland, look, you do whatever you want with him. But I'm telling you right now, I will not work with him again.
Leland McKenzie: That's your provocative.
Arnie Becker: On this one. Morales was right.
[Arnie leaves, storms out of the office and closed the door shut]
Leland McKenzie: Well, Patrick maintains that no assurances were given.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Patrick maintains a lot of things, Leland.
Leland McKenzie: Yes, he does.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: At a minimum, it does seem to be someone who gets accuse pretty often.
Leland McKenzie: Well, so far all the accusations have been groundless.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: So far.