Steve Urkel
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Quotes for
Steve Urkel (Character)
from "Family Matters" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Family Matters: Food, Lies and Videotape (#3.17)" (1992)
Steven Quincy Urkel: Come on, yeast! Rise! You can do it!
Ms. Steuben: Steve, it's not a good sign when you have to give your bread a pep talk.

Steve Urkel: Ms Steuben, you taught Laura to slow down and stop taking short cuts. And you taught Cassie Lynn Nubbles, the posterchild for useless people, how to do things for herself. And, my God, look what you've done to Waldo. Do you have any idea how much you changed him?
Ms. Steuben: Well, I guess he's changed a little.
Steve Urkel: A little? Why, because of you, he's swapping recipes with Wolfgang Puck. And, he's got something that he didn't have before. Self respect.

Ms. Steuben: Listen, now, you tried as hard as you could and I'm gonna be generous and give you a C.
Steve Urkel: A what? A what?
Ms. Steuben: A C. A C!
Steve Urkel: But... but, I never... I never got less than... than an A.
Ms. Steuben: So?
Steve Urkel: So, I can't live with that! Why, it'll ruin my transcript!
Ms. Steuben: Get a hold of yourself, Steven.
Steve Urkel: I can't! I can't! Oh, the room is spinning. Oh, yes it is! I... I'm getting dizzy. Oh my God! I feel stupid!

Steve Urkel: You're a wonderful teacher.
Ms. Steuben: No, I'm a nervous teacher! I have a muscle in my forehead that will not stop jerking!

Ms. Steuben: All right, class. This semester we're... Steven, you'd better get going. You're late for class.
Steve Urkel: Oh, no I'm not. I'm in this class.
Ms. Steuben: That's... that's not funny, Steven.
Steve Urkel: Oh, I'm not joking. So, what's cookin', good lookin'?
[laughs]
Ms. Steuben: Uh, excuse us... just a minute.
[Pulls Steve to other side of room]
Ms. Steuben: Steven, last semester I specifically asked you what class you would not be taking this semster and you told me HOME EC!
Steve Urkel: Well, yes, I did.
Ms. Steuben: But... here you are. It's not fair.

Steve Urkel: You teach us more than just things out of a textbook. Why, you teach us things about life!
Ms. Steuben: Oh, you really think so?
Steve Urkel: Look, I know the pay is lousy, the hours are long, and you hardly ever get the credit you deserve. But, you're a teacher, Ms. Steuben, and a daaarrn good one.

Harriette: What's goin' on down here and why do I smell cinnamon flavored smoke?
Steve Urkel: Well, ya see, we had a little muffin mayhem. A small gastronomic goof up. A minor Betty Crocker boo boo.
Harriette: Laura, translate.

[after Steve's Urk-yeast exploded all over the room]
Steve Urkel: Ms. Steuben... I told the janitor about our little problem here.
Ms. Steuben: Is he coming?
Steve Urkel: Uh... no. He opted for early retirement.
Ms. Steuben: I think he has the right idea.

[after putting out Laura's oven fire]
Steve Urkel: You're safe now, Missy.
Laura: Thank you, Steve. Now, I'm gonna give you a compliment. But, it's only a compliment and it doesn't mean anything more than that.
Steve Urkel: Oh, I understand.
Laura: You did good.
Steve Urkel: You love me, don't you?


"Family Matters: Jailhouse Blues (#3.15)" (1992)
Clarence: Dude, you a serious little nerd.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: No, I *am* a serious little nerd. Am is a verb, verbs are our friends.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I have been scared straight, I saw a guy who had a tattoo of a battleship.
Laura Lee Winslow: So?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: It was on his tongue!

Halawna, Oneisha: [pop up in the car Clarence stole] Surprise!
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [shocked] And he brought hooters!
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: That's hotties, Steve.

Clarence: Yo, you a serious little nerd.
Steve Urkel: No, I AM a serious little nerd. You see, I use verbs. Verbs are our friends. They help move along our sentences.

Clarence: Yo, E-man, Chicago got any women?
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Oh yeah. I know all the babes. They can't keep their hands off me.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: That's true! Eddo's been slapped more times than a piñata!

Clarence: Get it for tomorrow night, we'll cruise for hotties.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Hotties? Hotties in a hoopty?
[sings]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Five golden rings! Four calling birds, three French hen, two turtle doves, and a *hottie in a hoopty*.

Clarence: Peace in the middle east.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Rain in Spain.


"Family Matters: Love and Kisses (#3.20)" (1992)
Laura Lee Winslow: Steve?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Yeah?
Laura Lee Winslow: What you did for me tonight was really special. It meant a lot to me. And I know that baseball card meant a lot to you. The truth is... you deserve a kiss.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: You mean, you want to kiss me?
Laura Lee Winslow: I didn't say that.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [after Steve, Eddie & Waldo sang 'My Girl'] Don't we remind you of The Temptations?
Laura Lee Winslow: No! More like The Repulsions.
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: [talking to Eddie] Man, they didn't even know who we were. And we practiced for six minutes!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Laura, suppose I arrange for you to meet Johnny Gill personally. Would you like that?
Laura Lee Winslow: I'd love it, but...
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Oh, no buts! Suppose I made it happen. Would you reward me with a kiss?
Laura Lee Winslow: Sure. I'd lay one on you that would weld your glasses to your face.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: My uncle, Elijah Urkel, has been struck by lightning four times. At a party, once, he clamped cables to his earlobes and jump-started a Volkswagen. Then there's in the summer, when we use him as a human bug zapper. He's usually knee deep in dead mosquitoes. And then there was the time we went camping and we were in dyer need of a generator and we just plugged the toaster into Uncle Elijah and the Pop Tarts were flying.
[Notices Maxine & Laura left the living room]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Well, I thought it was a good story.

Steve Urkel: Laura, suppose I arrange for you to meet Johnny Gill personally. Would you like that?
Laura: I'd love it, but...
Steve Urkel: Oh, no buts! Suppose I made it happen. Would you reward me with a kiss?
Laura: Sure. I'd lay one on you that would weld your glasses to your face.

Steve Urkel: Don't we remind you of The Temptations?
Laura: No! More like The Repulsions.
Waldo: Man, they didn't even know who we were. And we practiced for six minutes!

Laura: Steve?
Steve Urkel: Yeah?
Laura: What you did for me tonight was really special. It meant a lot to me. And I know that baseball card meant a lot to you. The truth is... you deserve a kiss.
Steve Urkel: You mean, you want to kiss me?
Laura: I didn't say that.


"Family Matters: Stop, in the Name of Love (#3.21)" (1992)
Laura: Well, Steve, I've been trying to convince Waldo that girls find him attractive. I couldn't turn right around and refuse to go out with him.
Steve Urkel: Oh, why not? You refuse to go out with me for the last decade!
Laura: Well, that's because you have self-confidence. I can turn you down without destroying your ego.
Steve Urkel: Well, isn't that just a FIIIINE kettle of fish? I'm getting penalized because I'm emotionally stable!

Steve Urkel: Waldo, how could you do this to me?
Waldo: I'm sorry, Steve. I know how you feel about Laura. But, like they say in the movie "Love Story"... 'Love means never having to say I'm sorry Steve, but I'm takin' yo chick'.

Steve Urkel: Waldo, is everything okay?
Waldo: No, it's not.
Steve Urkel: Well, what's the matter?
Waldo: I can't talk to girls. Every time I'm around them, my mind goes blank. Can you imagine that?
Steve Urkel: Actually, yes!

Steve Urkel: Now that Waldo's out of the picture, does that make me your number one reject?
Laura: Sure, Steve. There's no one I wanna say no to more than you.
Steve Urkel: Whoa! We have liftoff!

Waldo: Laura, I know I'm just wasting my time, but would you like to... kinda, maybe... go out with me, sorta, tomorrow night, maybe?
Steve Urkel: Now, let him down easy.
Laura: Sure, Waldo.
Steve Urkel: NOT THAT EASY!

Steve Urkel: Well, look at his poor, pathetic face. He's so sad he could depress Richard Simmons.


"Family Matters: Born to Be Mild (#3.9)" (1991)
Chain: It occurs to me that you could be wired.
Steve Urkel: Oh no! Now, I may have taken a sip of my mom's coffee, but I...
Chain: I'm talkin' about the other kind of wired!

Steve Urkel: Danger's my middle name! Well, actually it's Quincy, but you guys get the picture.

[dressed as a gangster]
Steve Urkel: How tough am I? When I was born... when the doctor slapped me, I SHOT him!

Steve Urkel: [When Osgood picks him up] Excuse me, but do you have a name or just a zip code?
Osgood: Osgood!
Steve Urkel: Osgood? That's a great name... for a duck!
[laughs and snorts]

Osgood: Chain, you want me to hit this punk?
Steve Urkel: [Stands up] Try me, Chunky Trunks! But it's only fair to warn you that I'm a black belt in karate and I used to practice in the Sahara Forest!
Osgood: Man, the Sahara is a desert!
Steve Urkel: Oh, sure! Noooow!
[Imitates karate chops]

Steve Urkel: Now, let's talk membership. Do you need a recommendation from a previous gang?


"Family Matters: Stevil II: This Time He's Not Alone (#9.7)" (1997)
Stevil: I want your soul!
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Well why don't you take the guy's next door? He's a lawyer! He's never used his!

Laura Lee Winslow: Did you get any sleep?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Yeah, I went to sleep and Stevil made a guest appearance. It was the most terrifying five minutes of my life, second only to watching Lord of the Dance!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Stevil was back and he was coming for my soul!
Carl Otis Winslow: Oh gee that'd scare me.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: It would?
Carl Otis Winslow: Yeah.
[puts his thumb as his mouth, baby voice]
Carl Otis Winslow: If I were five.

Stevil: We've got plans.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: What kind of plans? To rob and murder?
Carlsbad: No, we're going to Vegas!
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [to Carl] Worse.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I'm not dreaming anymore. I had 8 shots of Espresso, a 6-pack of Jolt Cola, and a large bowl of Froot Loops with extra sugar. You don't sleep, you don't have nightmares.


"Family Matters: Life of the Party (#2.18)" (1991)
Steve Urkel: [Drunkenly] I'm the pife of the larty!

Steve Urkel: To be quite honest, Fuffner; I'd written you off as being incorrigible.
Willie Fuffner: What did he say?
Waldo: He called you a gerbil.

Steve Urkel: Aaah! Aaaah!
Rachel Crawford: It's okay, Steve. I'm here.
Steve Urkel: I know! You're standing on my finger!

[Steve is wasted]
Laura: Steve...
Steve Urkel: Laura! Oh, you're a sore for sight eyes!
Laura: Are you all right?
Steve Urkel: Swell, Punch! I want more Punch! Anybody have more punch?
Laura: Steve, Calm Down!
Steve Urkel: [as Waldo hands Steve a cup of the spiked punch] Why should I Laura, I'm the pife of the larty!
[splashes Waldo with the spiked punch]
Steve Urkel: [Steve is still wasted] Ooh the Durkel!
Laura: Waldo, what's with Steve, he's acting wierd, even for him!
Waldo: Willie told me not to tell.
Laura: Tell what?
Waldo: That he spiked Urkel's punch.
Laura: WHAT?
Waldo: I said he... Hey, you can't trick me!
Steve Urkel: Come on everybody, let's ooh the durkel!
[Steve climbs on the ledge of the roof]
Rachel Crawford: Steve!, Steve! Get down from there!
Steve Urkel: Hey, you gotta get up if want to get dow... oh...
[guests scream as Steve falls off the edge of the roof]
Steve Urkel: Help!, Help!
Laura: Steve, are you okay?
Steve Urkel: [Hanging on a ledge] I've fallen and I can't get up!

Steve Urkel: Rachel, what are you doing?
Rachel Crawford: Tightrope walking.
Steve Urkel: Do you know how to do that?
Rachel Crawford: ...No.


"Family Matters: Citizen's Court (#3.6)" (1991)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I call Waldo Faldo up.
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: O.k., but I'm not Home.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Waldo... come to the Witness Stand.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: State your name.
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Illinois.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Uh... no, Waldo, state your name. Not name your state.
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Oh, cool. Waldo Faldo... from Illinois.

Steve Urkel: [Steve is suing Carl on the TV show Citizen's Court and Waldo has been called as a witness] Waldo, how did you feel about Pablo?
Waldo: [Monotone while Steve mouths his words with him] Pablo was a kind and gentle creature. When I was with him, I felt... I felt...
[Rolls up his sleeve and begins reading]
Waldo: ...I felt like I was one with the Bee-Oh-Sphere.
Steve Urkel: [panicked] ... um... perhaps you mean "biosphere"?
Waldo: [after thinking a moment] Ok. Cool.
Steve Urkel: [Rushed] That's all. I'm finished with this witness, your honor!
Laura: Wait a second. Excuse me Waldo, is there something written on your arm?
Waldo: Just the stuff Steve told me to say.

Eddie: That thing is so ugly.
Steve Urkel: Shh. Pablo's bilingual!
Waldo: Excuse me, but I don't wanna hear about a bug's sex life.


"Family Matters: Ice Station Winslow (#2.14)" (1991)
Steve Urkel: [singing] Fishing on Lake Wannamuk. Doo da doo da. Seems I'm having all the luck. All the doo da day.
Carl: Steve.
Steve Urkel: Having all the luck!
Carl: Steve!
Steve Urkel: Having all the luck!
Carl: STEVE!
Steve Urkel: Hmm?
Carl: You know, the only thing worse than not catching any fish is hearing you sing about it.

[Steve is in the kitchen recovering from Laura and her sock stuffed boobs. He's fanning his hace with a plate as Eddie walks in]
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Hey Steve, Was'sup?
Steve Urkel: My Blood pressure. A few minutes ago, I just saw Laura and I fanted.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Why?
Steve Urkel: Why? Weel Good Lord man, she's an overnight success story. Why she is woman, hear me roar.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Dad, when are we leaving?
Carl: What are you talking about? We're having big fun here.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Oh really, why wasn't I told?
Carl: Are you implying that you're not having a good time?
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: [Stands up] Dad, I'm not implying. I'm telling you straight out, I hate this.
Carl: [Stands up and faces Eddie] Why?
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Well for one thing, I can't feel my toes.
Steve Urkel: Uh-oh, Mr.Frostbite. Oh when he shows up, it's amputation time.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Oh great, I'm gonna lose my toes.
Steve Urkel: Well the good news is, my dad will do the operation for you. The bad news is, he'll charge you an arm and a leg.
[laughs and snorts]

[Laura has stuffed her bra with Eddie's socks]
Steve Urkel: [entering] Hi gang!
[shocked]
Steve Urkel: Laura!... Bazooms!
[faints]


"Family Matters: Farewell, My Laura (#3.25)" (1992)
[in their 1940s personas]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: What's your aunt's name, who'd want to kill her, and who do you like in the World Series?
Laura Lee Winslow: Rachel Crawfish, you got me, and I like the St. Louis Cardinals.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [voiceover, as Johnny Danger] So there I was, staring death right in the face. Was I about to take the Big Sleep?
[normal dialogue]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Well, what are you waiting for?
Laura Lee Winslow: [as Laura Wigglesworth, pointing a gun at Johnny] The narration to finish!

[in the 1940s as Johnny Danger]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [to Officer Wigglesworth as played by Carl] We're on the same side of the law. There's room for you and there's room for me... although let's be quite honest, you take up a lot more room than me.

[in their 1940s personas]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: What's your aunt's name, who'd want to kill her, and who do you like in the World Series?
Laura Lee Winslow: Rachel Crawfish, you got me, and I like the St. Louis Cardinals.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Rachel Crawfish? Why would anybody want to kill her? And I like the Red Sox.
Laura Lee Winslow: That's right, I don't know, and I still like the Cards.


"Family Matters: Marriage 101 (#2.3)" (1990)
Laura Lee Winslow: [after Steve gives her a ring] This is real! Where did you get the money for this?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: From my stay away fund- every year all my relatives send me money and hope that I won't visit them.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Laura, I know that I'm not worthy of you, but I just can't help loving you. It's like wanting to touch a star- you know you'll never reach it but you've just gotta keep trying.
Laura Lee Winslow: [crying] Steve why do you always say things like that?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: These last 2 weeks have been wonderful for me. It's the closest I'll ever get to marrying you- thats why I wanted you to have this- no strings attached- just the one to my heart.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: You won't be sorry, sir. I can assure you that we Urkels are a fine, old family, with a proud name. You know that in Kenya, "Urkel" means "a benign cyst on the foreleg of a wildebeest"?

Laura: Where did you get the money for this?
Steve Urkel: From my stay-away fund. Every year, my relatives send me money in hopes that I won't visit them!


"Family Matters: Revenge of the Nerd (#8.14)" (1997)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [to a sorority girl] That dress is so... tight! I can almost see what you had for lunch!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I almost wore that same suit.
Lionel: Really? Hey, what were you doing in my closet?

Laura Lee Winslow: This is a geek party.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Well of course it's a Greek party, it's a sorority!
Laura Lee Winslow: No no no, a GEEK party, as in nerd, doofus.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Allison, is that true?
Allison: Look, we're just having a little harmless fun.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: When you're hurting other people it ain't harmless. I'll tell you something else, Allison, I may not be the most trendy guy on campus, or the best looking and I'm CERTAINLY not the most coordinated. But I like myself, and that makes me cool.


"Family Matters: Choir Trouble (#3.13)" (1991)
Rachel Crawford: Maybe you could come back when your voice has changed.
Steve Urkel: It already did.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Steve, how did you get so good at checkers?
Steve Urkel: Practice. Fortunately, when I was young I had no friends.

Steve Urkel: My dad wanted to know how I could believe in a God I can't see, touch, or analyze. I pointed out to him I also cannot see, touch or analyze an atom, but I believe it exists.


"Family Matters: Mama's Wedding (#4.19)" (1993)
[Runs to Eddie]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Eddo, Eddo, Eddo! The nuptuals have developed a slight snafu.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: What's wrong?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: You remember our flyer party, the one that I'm clearly on record as totally aganst.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Yeah? What about it, Steve.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [He walks towards Eddie and pulls out a folded flyer he took out of his pant pocket. Then he unfolds it] Well Tell me again. Refresh my memory. When is that party supposed to be.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Next Saturday.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Wrong, cummerbund breath. Waldo put today's date on the flyer. Right now you have over a 100 crazed teenagers in your backyard ready to boogie.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: What?
[Runs with Steve to confront Waldo and Weasel]

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Waldo!
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Was'sup.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: How could you mess this up?
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Hey, cut me some slack. I only got the date wrong on one flyer. My mom's the one who really messed up. She xeroxed it over and over and over and over and...
[Steve covers his mouth for one second. then removes his hand]
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: ...over and over and over.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [Tries to hold Eddie from pounding their friends] Eddo. Eddo. Eddo. Easy Eddo.
Weasel: Yeah chill. Let eserviate on the bright side.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Bright side? What bright side, Weasel?
Weasel: [pulls out a lot of cash from his pockets] Look at this $1500 dead presidents and the homies are still coming in.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Yeah, well you have to get rid of them. This is my grandmother's wedding and... $1500. No. No. No. This isn't right Weasel. These kids are gonna ruin everything, they have to go.
Weasel: Hey loosen up, Eduardo. Look I clued everybody in. We all stand nice and quiet until Gramps and Granny make it legal. Then we par-tay, see no problem.
Carl Otis Winslow: [Has just gotten wind of Eddie's flyer party] Edward!
Weasel: Problem.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Waldo, You make up 1,000 flyers
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: But I'll get writer's cramp
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Make one, then Xerox It!


"Family Matters: It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Urkel (#4.10)" (1992)
[At The Winslow home in the alternate world]
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: I'm flat broke, dad. Can you give me some money so I can finish my Christmas shopping?
Carl Otis Winslow: [Grabs his wallet] How much do you need?
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Well now that depends, how nice of a Christmas gift do you want.
Carl Otis Winslow: I'll tell you what son, why not give me cash for Christmas.
[Puts his money back into his wallet]
Carl Otis Winslow: Thanks for the present son.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Dad, cash is so impersonal.
Carl Otis Winslow: Edward, why can't you manage money like your brother, Steve? He finished his Christmas shopping weeks ago and never asked me for a penny.
[Steve Winslow comes down the stairs]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Hey dad. Edward! I"m going to the mall to hand out gifts to orphans kids
Carl Otis Winslow: That's wonderful, son.
[Faces Eddie]
Carl Otis Winslow: Look at him, charming, handsome, popular. Steve is the perfect son.
Laura Lee Winslow: [Faces Ty] Steve is my brother?
Ty: No, he's Eddie's brother. Remember you wished that Steve could find out what's it like to be you. Now you're going to find out what it's like to be Steve Urkel.
[Laura walks in the door dressed up in a stereotypical nerd fashion. Steve is embarrassed that he didn't walk out the door faster. Carl and Eddie are also shocked too]
Laura Lee Winslow: [Urkel voice] Seasons Greetings, Winslows!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Get lost, Laura!
Laura Lee Winslow: Alright!
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: What're you so happy about? He just told you to get lost.
Laura Lee Winslow: I know, but he said 'get lost, Laura'. Yesterday he said 'get lost, Fido Face!'
[to Steve]
Laura Lee Winslow: I'm wearing you DOWN, baby!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [about Harriette's gingerbread house] This is a work of art.
Laura Lee Winslow: No, it's a work of Harriette, get it, Art, Harriette?
[does Steve's laugh and snort]


"Family Matters: Woman of the People (#3.19)" (1992)
Cassie Lynn: Look, Becky Sue. Poor Laura has worked so hard and now she has to drop out of the race.
Laura: What are you talkin' about?
Cassie Lynn: Well, we just got some really hot photos of you being romanced by the Prince of Passion here.
Steve Urkel: What? She just slipped and I caught her. That's all.
Cassie Lynn: Becky Sue! We should put those pictures in the school paper.
Becky Sue: Oh, we couldn't do that. Everyone would think that Laura is in love with Steve Urkel and no one would vote for her.
Steve Urkel: But, I told you. I just caught her, that's all.
Cassie Lynn: That may be what happened, but that won't be what the people believe. They just love juicy gossip.
Laura: You wouldn't dare.
Cassie Lynn: Try me. You've got twenty-four hours to drop out of the race or we publish the picture.
Steve Urkel: Why you...
[Both leave laughing]
Steve Urkel: Why, come back here, you little hussy! Nobody threatens my woman!
Laura: Steve. Steve! STEVE!
Steve Urkel: Wha-at?
Laura: Will you calm down?
Steve Urkel: Calm down? Why that low-down-cheap-bunder-headed-mud-slinging-bush-wacking-slanderous-snake-in-a-skirt is blackmailing you!
Laura: I know!
Steve Urkel: Why, to make everyone think that the woman I love actually loves me back? Why, how low can you get?

Cassie Lynn: All's fair in love and politics.
Steve Urkel: Oh, I am so glad you said that!
[Grabs and kisses her. Eddie swoops in and starts taking pictures]
Cassie Lynn: Eww! Yuck! Ick!
Steve Urkel: Well, the earth didn't exactly move for me either!

Steve Urkel: Steve Urkel! Muskrat Time! Sorry I'm late, but I got my tongue stuck in the printing press.


"Family Matters: Rock Video (#1.22)" (1990)
Carl Otis Winslow: [packing up the camping gear] Boy that was great, a family weekend in the wilderness. No phones. No Traffic.
Laura Lee Winslow: No surprise visits from Steve Urkel.
Steve Urkel: [opens the back door] Surprise.

Rodney Beckett: [after seeing Eddie's music video] I can't believe it. Urkel, the camera was on Eddie the whole time.
Steve Urkel: Hey, I was following Eddie's instructions.
Rachel Crawford: Exactly what were Eddie's instructions?
Steve Urkel: To keep the camera on him and forget all the other meatheads.
Jerry, Kyle: What?
Steve Urkel: [points to Eddie] His words, not mine.

Steve Urkel: [about the music video] This is going to be the biggest bomb since Howard the Duck.


"Family Matters: Dr. Urkel and Mr. Cool (#5.8)" (1993)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Laura this elixir will improve my coordination, my posture, my vocal intonation, and I might even sprout a chest hair or two.
Laura Lee Winslow: First you better sprout a chest.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [Steve as Stefan] Steve? Steve who?
Laura Lee Winslow: Steve Urkel. You.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: No no no no no. There is no Steve here. I'm Stefan sweet thing. Stefan Urquelle

Harriette Winslow: Are your parents happy with the new you?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Oh they love the new me. In fact, they finally introduced me to my grandparents.


"Full House: Stephanie Gets Framed (#4.16)" (1991)
Michelle Tanner: [after meeting Steve Urkel] Why you talk like Mickey Mouse?
Steve Urkel: That's 'cause I was born in Chicago.

Jesse Katsopolis: Steve... Steve, Steve-o. I can't help but notice that you walk like you still have the hanger in your shirt.
Steve Urkel: Oh, well, thank you.
Jesse Katsopolis: You're welcome. Steve, I'd like to help you because, uh, quite frankly, you need help. See, when you're walking, you gotta kinda be loose, man, like let it be cool.
[starts to slowly bounce]
Jesse Katsopolis: [Steve starts to bounce slowly]
Jesse Katsopolis: That's it. Loosen up, be very fluid. Be very fluid-y. That's it! Now... once you get it going, you shift the weight and you go.
[starts walking]
Jesse Katsopolis: And it's a strut, and it's cool, and it's a strut, and it's cool. See? Like that?
Steve Urkel: Very inspiring.
[tries to walk, but instead of a strut, he walks sidways on his toes bouncing highly]
Jesse Katsopolis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, uh, that's close.
Steve Urkel: Really? Well, oh. Well, that was a walk on the wild side. But, you should ty it with your elbows out. It's much better for circulation.
Jesse Katsopolis: Oh, really? Like this?
[sticks elbows out]
Steve Urkel: Yeah.
[Jesse starts to walk]
Steve Urkel: You're doing fine.
Jesse Katsopolis: You, know? I do feel the blood flowing better.
Steve Urkel: Yeah.
Jesse Katsopolis: It's very - WHAT AM I DOING?
Steve Urkel: Well, here's another fun way to kill time. Let's share a life story. I'll go first. I was born on a cold night in Chicago, 1976, the year of America's bicenntinal. My mom was in a great deal of pain and I was charging through! And...
Jesse Katsopolis: Uh, I think I hear the girls in the kitchen. Why, don't you just go and... yeah. Right in the kitchen area.


"Family Matters: The Psycho Twins (#5.18)" (1994)
Bushwhacker Luke: Me and me brother, we hate cops!
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Why?
Bushwhacker Luke: Me mother was arrested by cops last night!
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Why?
Bushwhacker Luke: 'Cause they couldn't catch her till then!

Carl Otis Winslow: Steve, The real Psycho Twins would have still been in the ring wrestling, If It wasn't for Your stupid sleepy juice.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: The Snooze Juice.


"Family Matters: Aunt Oona (#5.23)" (1994)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Aunt Oona!
Aunt Oona: [creeps up to the door] What?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [brings her in to meet the Winslows] Now don't worry, they don't bite, and even if they do they've had their shots.

Harriette Winslow: So Oona... how are things in Altoona?
Aunt Oona: Well... not good, my kitchen exploded.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: How'd that happen?
Aunt Oona: The gas pipe broke when my living room flooded.
Carl Otis Winslow: Oh, well how did that happen?
Aunt Oona: The water main snapped when the roof collapsed.
Carl Otis Winslow: Yeah but if you...
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Forget it, Carl, it's quicksand.


"Family Matters: Torn Between Two Lovers (#2.2)" (1990)
[Steve thinks Rachel is in love with him, but she is really in love with another man named Steve]
Rachel Crawford: Oh, hi Steve.
[Steve jumps]
Rachel Crawford: How are you?
Steve Urkel: Mm-fine!
Rachel Crawford: Uh, Steve, would you mind coming over to the restaurant on Sunday at about 7:30?
Steve Urkel: A-wha-ha-wha-wha-wha-wah?
Rachel Crawford: Well, I'm planning dinner for a very, very special friend.
Steve Urkel: Oh, I see. Oh, I see. I-I-I see.
Rachel Crawford: Steve, are you sure you're okay?
[Goes to feel his head]
Steve Urkel: [Runs across the couch to get away] Fine, fine, fine!
Rachel Crawford: Good. Look, Steve. I wanna play some of my own records on the jukebox, but I don't know how to put them in. Can you help me out?
Steve Urkel: Do I have to?
Rachel Crawford: Well, Steve, I am your boss. But, I'd be willing to pay you.
Steve Urkel: [Takes it the wrong way] Gee... I wouldn't know what to charge.
Rachel Crawford: How 'bout double the usual?
Steve Urkel: The usual? Well... oh-okay.
Rachel Crawford: Thanks Steve. You know what? You are such a sweetheart. Come here.
[Pulls him into a hug]
Rachel Crawford: [He faints]
Rachel Crawford: Steve? Steve, what happened?
Steve Urkel: Oh, nothing. Just blacked out for a second there!

[Steve comes out of the freezer at Rachel's Place shivering]
Rachel Crawford: Honey, how long were you in there?
Steve Urkel: L-long enough to get i-icicles on my nose hair... Look!
Rachel Crawford: I'll just take your word for it.


"Family Matters: It Didn't Happen One Night (#5.2)" (1993)
Steven Quincy Urkel: Look, you've got this big bed. Why can't we share?
Laura Lee Winslow: Does shag carpet also make you crazy? Forget it, Steve.
Steven Quincy Urkel: Well, then where am I gonna sleep?
Laura Lee Winslow: I don't know, and quite frankly, I'm tired of thinking about it. Grab a blanket and go sleep in the bathtub.
Steven Quincy Urkel: But Laura...
Laura Lee Winslow: Go!
Steven Quincy Urkel: [Grabs a blanket and a pillow and heads to the bathroom only to rush back out seconds later] No!
[Thunderclap]
Steven Quincy Urkel: I will *not* sleep in the bathtub! *You're* gonna sleep in the bathtub!
Laura Lee Winslow: What?
Steven Quincy Urkel: I wasn't the one who overslept, Ms. Rip Van Winslow. I tried to help you!
Laura Lee Winslow: I know...
Steven Quincy Urkel: Don't interrupt me! Then, I drove you here in *my* car, and were you pleasant company? No!
Laura Lee Winslow: Steve...
Steven Quincy Urkel: I'm not through! Then, you broke my car, and it cost me every cent I got to fix it and rent this "delightful" room here at the "Fleabag Inn".
Laura Lee Winslow: Steve, if...
Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh, put a cork in it, Missy! Look, I love you with all my heart, but just because you don't love me back doesn't give you the right to treat me like dirt! I'm a person, and I have feelings, and I demand to be treated with respect and dignity!

Laura Lee Winslow: Steve, could you go a little faster? We're getting dirty looks from old people!
Steven Quincy Urkel: But I'm going the recommended cruising speed for this vehicle Any more could be risky.
Laura Lee Winslow: Let's just take that risk. Let's just get there!
[steps on the gas]
Steven Quincy Urkel: Land sakes, woman. Have you taken leave of your senses?
Laura Lee Winslow: How fast are we going now?
Steven Quincy Urkel: Gee, I don't know, the speedometer only goes to thirty.
[the car breaks down. Steve looks at Laura]
Laura Lee Winslow: Did I do that?


"Family Matters: Brain over Brawn (#3.2)" (1991)
Waldo: Thanks for helping me find the gym.
Steve Urkel: Don't feel bad. It's Monday! You had two whole days to forget where it was.

Steve Urkel: You know what, Laura? I realize the reason you don't love me is because I'm weak.
Laura: Steve, that's not true.
Steve Urkel: It isn't?
Laura: No! There's lots of reasons why I don't love you.
Steve Urkel: Really? Well, name a couple.
Laura: Well... you're stubborn, irritating, loud, obnoxious, pushy, clumsy...
Steve Urkel: I said 'a couple'.


"Family Matters: Original Gangsta Dawg (#9.10)" (1997)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Hello.
Stefan Urquelle: Steve, what's up with your cousin? He interruped my phone call meant for Laura
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I'll show him.
[Calls Laura's Cell and gets OGD instead]
Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD: Yo.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Cornelius Eugene Urkel, you have better find a good excuse to leave town soon.
Stefan Urquelle: You can take a bus or an airplane. Anywhere away from my Laura.
Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD: That's big talk coming from a guy in Italy.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I'll have you know, I'm not in Italy. And I'll be coming home tomorrow.

Carl Otis Winslow: After you left, I saw your boy Fresh Squeeze at the door.
Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD: Bye. With Squeeze I'm not safe nowhere.
Carl Otis Winslow: Well I talked to your boy Squeeze and he won't be bothering you for a long time.
Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD: You paid him off
Carl Otis Winslow: Better, I locked him up.
Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD: Serious. How did you know?
Carl Otis Winslow: I recognized him right away. He held operations in Chicago. He left the minute we put a warrant up for his arrest. But I recognized him right away.
Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD: He must've been dangerous. What did you do?
Carl Otis Winslow: I told him I was taking him over to see you. On the way to the Sizzle Club, I took a little detour to the precinct. You should've seen the look on his face when he saw five officers surrounded my car and said Surprise!
Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD: Oh man I didn't think you were this cool. Sorry. I'll grab my stuff and I'll be out of here tomorrow.
Carl Otis Winslow: Well there's no rush. You can stay.
Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD: You all right, Mr.W
Carl Otis Winslow: You too, OGD
[he teaches Carl how to handshake in his neighborhood. OGD now knows the police aren't enemies]


"Family Matters: Lost in Space: Part 2 (#9.22)" (1998)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [last lines of the series] Do I get a welcome home kiss?
Laura Lee Winslow: On one condition.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: What's that?
Laura Lee Winslow: That you'll never go into outer space again.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Only when we kiss, Laura Lee, only when we kiss
[they passionately kiss]

Steve Urkel: [last lines of the series] Do I get a welcome home kiss?
Laura: On one condition.
Steve Urkel: What's that.
Laura: That you'll never go into outer space again
Steve Urkel: Only when we kiss, Laura Lee, only when we kiss
[they passionately kiss]


"Family Matters: A Test of Friendship (#3.14)" (1992)
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: I was thinking you could help me during the test.
Waldo Geraldo Faldo, Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Cheating?
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: I prefer to call it sharing.
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Well I for one am appalled.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Why are you upset, Waldo?
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Cheating is wrong, Eddie, and you should know that.
[Puts his jacket on and heads to the Door]
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: I may get F's, but, by God, I earn them!
[He leaves the house]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: You know, I never thought I'd see the day that I actually agreed with Waldo Geraldo Faldo.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Eddo, cheating on a test is like wearing your grandma's underwear. It might cover your behind but if you make a habit of it, you've got a serious problem.


"Family Matters: The Show Must Go On (#3.3)" (1991)
Steve Urkel: Ms. Steuben... I'm sorry.
Ms. Steuben: I know, Steven. You're always sorry. Listen, Steven, I've... I've decided to retire from the theatre arts department.
Steve Urkel: Well, gee, that's a shame.
Ms. Steuben: Yeah, well... Steven, you're not taking Home Ec. next semester, are ya?
Steve Urkel: No.
Ms. Steuben: Oh, good. Oh, good. I'll teach that.

[Performing Romeo and Juliet]
Laura: Doth thou love me? Oh, gentle Romeo, if thou doth love, pronounce it faithfully.
Steve Urkel: [Climbs over the balcony and falls] Oh! Ouchith!
Laura: [whispering] Steve, are you okay?
Steve Urkel: [whispering] I bent my dagger.


"Family Matters: Robo-Nerd II (#3.23)" (1992)
Carl Otis Winslow: [trying to convince his boss that using Urkelbot is a bad idea] But Sir, you and I have been to the Police Academy. We are properly trained.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Well, so is Urkelbot! Why, I guarantee you he has studied the best! Check it out:
Urkelbot: [Dirty Harry Impression] Go ahead, punk! Make my day!
Urkelbot: [Kojack Impression] Who loves ya, baby!
Urkelbot: [Joe Friday Impression] Just the facts, ma'am.

Robber: [holding up the convenience store where Carl, Steve, and Urkelbot are undercover, threatening Carl with a gun] You! Empty the cash register!
Robber: [threatens Steve] You! Get me a cherry slurpy!
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: What size?
Robber: Surprise me!


"Family Matters: Do the Right Thing (#2.16)" (1991)
Laura: Steve, I know it's a lot to ask, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd tutor Todd.
Steve Urkel: Well, Laura, do you realize what you're asking? I'm jealous of Todd and you want me to help him. Why, you might as well drop a boulder on my foot, shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails, or scoop my eyeballs out with a melon baler.
Laura: So, will you do it?

Laura: I do want a guy with something upstairs, but, uh, I also want a well-built staircase.
Steve Urkel: Oh, well, no problem-o. I'll just begin a rigorist-training schedule. Why, a few sessions on the Muscle Master and you'll be drooling over my deltoids.
[strikes a pose]
Steve Urkel: ...Laura?
Laura: What, Steve?
Steve Urkel: I hurt myself. Can you carry me home?


"Family Matters: Number One with a Bullet (#4.5)" (1992)
Charlene: You have a roommate. A man got shot in the rear end.
Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh Lordy, a bullet in the butt.

Steven Quincy Urkel: So, Carl, tell me what happened. Did you sit on your gun again?
Carl Otis Winslow: No, I didn't. I surprised a couple of slimeballs trying to break into a jewelry store.
Steven Quincy Urkel: Did they get away?
Carl Otis Winslow: Well, one of them did. I threw a tackle on the other one and held him down with my one good cheek until help arrived.


"Family Matters: Fast Eddie Winslow (#2.12)" (1990)
Carl: So, uh, what's goin' on?
Steve Urkel: Boyd whipped Eddie. Eddie borrowed money from me. I'm playing Boyd double or nothing. I was kickin' butt. Boyd broke my glasses. Five hundred on the line. Can't see a darn thing.
Carl: Nice summery.

Rodney Beckett: Can I hurt him?
Eddie: Not in the house.
Rodney Beckett: Steve, come on outside. I wanna show you something.
Steve Urkel: Wa-uh!


"Family Matters: Fight the Good Fight (#2.20)" (1991)
Laura Lee Winslow: Hey, my locker's open!
[finds a note hanging on the door]
Laura Lee Winslow: Oh my God.
Steve Urkel: Laura, what's wrong?
Laura Lee Winslow: [reading note] 'If you want black history, go back to Africa'.
Steve Urkel: What?
[takes note and crumbles it, Laura slams locker door, revealing the word 'Nigger' spray painted on it]

Laura: I couldn't have done this without you.
Steve Urkel: Oh, please, Laura. You're making me blush.
Laura: You know, I just don't get why people are so afraid of our history.
Steve Urkel: Well, because it's different. And believe you me, I know what being different is all about.
Laura: Well, I admire you for that.
Steve Urkel: Oh, pasha, you're making me blush again.


"Family Matters: Old and Alone (#3.11)" (1991)
Steve Urkel: Laura's got the highly infectious mucus-nasal-osis-inflamicus.
Daniel Wallace: Oh my God! What is that?
Steve Urkel: Well, it starts out with a little cough.
[coughs]
Steve Urkel: Then your nasal passages swell and your nose and throat slam shut tighter than a clam.
Daniel Wallace: Whoa, man.
Steve Urkel: Yeah, and then if you sneeze... why, your entire head explodes like a cherry bomb in a cantaloupe.
Daniel Wallace: Hey, man. Hey, wait a minute. Hey, you could be making this whole thing up!
Steve Urkel: Could. But, if I'm not, the last two words you'll ever say will be, "A Choo."

Steve Urkel: Laura, this is a... a really special moment and... well, I think we should celebrate it by... getting married.
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: Engaged?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: Going steady?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: A date?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: A kiss?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: A handshake?
Laura: No.
Steve Urkel: I'll see ya tomorrow?
Laura: Yeah.
Steve Urkel: I'll take it.


"Family Matters: The Crash Course (#2.5)" (1990)
Steve Urkel: Now, relax, Eddie. You had an accident. Carl will understand.
Eddie: Right. Dad will understand.
Carl: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Wha? Wha? Wha? Wha? Who? Wha? Wha? Who?
Harriette: Carl! Carl, calm down!
Carl: Harriette, there is a car in the living room.
Harriette: Yes, I know that.
Carl: Harriette, there is a car in the living room!
Harriette: Carl, don't overreact.
Carl: Overreact? Harriette, THERE IS A CAR IN THE LIVING ROOM!
Rachel Crawford: Well at least we know where it is.

Steve Urkel: Is there anything I can do for you while I'm down here waiting?
Laura: Let me know when Eddie gets back.
[Eddie comes crashing through the living room in the car]
Steve Urkel: [shocked] He's baaaaack!


"Family Matters: Lost in Space: Part 1 (#9.21)" (1998)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: It's a tradition in the Urkel family to not consummate the marriage for three months.
Laura Lee Winslow: But Steve...
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Ok, you talked me into it.
[Steve goes to answer the door]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I'm going to consummate, I'm going to consummate.


"Family Matters: Boxcar Blues (#2.6)" (1990)
Carl: I needed a good laugh.
Steve Urkel: You know, every time you laugh you burn off three and a half calories?
Carl: Maybe I should laugh a little bit more, huh?


"Family Matters: Bowl Me Over (#1.21)" (1990)
Laura: [seductively] Hi, Steve.
Steve Urkel: Hi, Laura,
Laura: You know, I shouldn't be mingling with the opposition, but I just wanted to tell you how handsome you look under fluorescent lighting.
Steve Urkel: [confused] Really?
Laura: Yeah. And, I just wanted to wish you good luck.
Steve Urkel: Thank you.
Laura: [grabbing his arm] Ooh! My, what strong arms.
[Steve drops his bowling ball and begins hyperventilating]
Carl: Steve? Steve?
Steve Urkel: Sh-she touched me, Carl! I can't breathe! All the pins look like Laura!


"Family Matters: The Urkel Who Came to Dinner (#3.22)" (1992)
Laura Lee Winslow: Uh, Steve. We thought you were going on vacation, Steve. Why aren't you on vacation, Steve?
Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh, well, it would have been inappropriate for me to join my parents. They went on their second honeymoon.
Rachel Crawford: Oh, how romantic! Where did they go?
Steven Quincy Urkel: Well, my mother went to Washington to visit the Smithsonian. And my dad went to New York to see Clem Puddle's House of Reptiles.
Carl Otis Winslow: You know, several questions come to mind here.
Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh, shoot.
Carl Otis Winslow: Your parents are taking seperate second honeymoons?
Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh, yes. They desperately wanna avoid the tragedy that resulted from their first honeymoon.
Harriette Winslow: What was that?
Steven Quincy Urkel: Me!


"Family Matters: Rachel's Place (#2.1)" (1990)
Steve Urkel: Hi everybody! Welcome to Leroy's!
[Handing out]
Steve Urkel: Menu, menu, menu, menu, menu.
Carl: Uh, just bring us burgers and fries.
Steve Urkel: [collecting] Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.


"Family Matters: Pop Goes the Question (#9.20)" (1998)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Laura, I kept this ring in hopes that one day you would accept it. Now I know, I'm not worthy of you- but I love you more now then I did then- Laura Lee Winslow- will you marry me?


"Family Matters: Home Sweet Home (#6.25)" (1995)
[Urkel is playing Danny Boy on his Swiss Melody Chimes and Carl is furiously awaken by it. He heads downstairs to confront Steve]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Big Guy, what are you up? It's late.
Carl Otis Winslow: I know. What are you doing with these bells?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: No. No. No. Not bells, Swiss Melody Chimes.
Carl Otis Winslow: Get rid of them!
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: All right. Alright. No more chimes. Now you sleep tighty-tighy with all your mighty-might.
Carl Otis Winslow: Thank you.
[He leaves and minutes later Urkel is playing Danny Boy on his accordion]
Carl Otis Winslow: STEVEEEEE!


"Family Matters: Don't Make Me Over (#9.19)" (1998)
Eddie: [after he has heard her quickly renouncing her love for him] Myrtle, what's my life going to be like without you in it?
Myrtle Urkel: Frankly my dear, I just don't give a damn.
[Myrtle leaves and Eddie is depressed]


"Family Matters: Flashpants (#2.4)" (1990)
[Jazzy music playing]
Laura: Steve, you like this kind of music?
Steve Urkel: Mmm, not really.
Laura: Maybe there's hope for you yet.
Steve Urkel: I'm more of a polka kinda guy.


"Family Matters: The Good, the Bad and the Urkel (#2.24)" (1991)
Rachel Crawford: [to Carl] Why can't the West have simpler rules, like "no smoking in elevators"?
Steve Urkel: What's an elevator?
Rachel Crawford: It's a real fast way to get upstairs.
Steve Urkel: For me, it's cash.


"Family Matters: Cousin Urkel (#2.8)" (1990)
Laura: So, Myrtle, how long are you gonna be around?
Myrtle Urkel: Oh, just two weeks. My parents would only take Steve if Steve's parents promised to take me.
Rachel Crawford: Sort of an Urkel Exchange Program?
Myrtle Urkel: Exactly, honey!


"Family Matters: The Way the Ball Bounces (#4.13)" (1993)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [seeing what Laura looks like without sleep] You remind me of a movie star.
Laura Lee Winslow: Who?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Freddy Krueger!


"Family Matters: Beta Chi Guy (#6.5)" (1994)
Eddie Winslow: [at the frat party] Steve, why are you wearing a toga?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Well why aren't you? For that matter... why isn't everybody?


"Family Matters: My Big Brother (#7.18)" (1996)
Steve Urkel: My "play-ground pass"? How much will that cost me?
Baby Girl: We'll take all you've got.
Steve Urkel: But, that's all I've got!


"Family Matters: Random Acts of Science (#7.15)" (1996)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Hmm hmm hmm hmmm hmmm hmm hmm... Gun, Carl. Gun, Carl. Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. Pull your gun right now.
Carl Otis Winslow: I didn't bring my gun. I don't know what to say.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: What the heck is wrong with you?
Snap, Sidekick: [with the Serpents] All the doo-dah day.


"Family Matters: Nunsense (#5.22)" (1994)
Myra Monkhouse: Eddie, Waldo? Why are you guys dressed like that?
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Uh, uh isn't this the Zorro audition?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Myra, your mother told me you came here, so I assumed you're becoming a nun.
Myra Monkhouse: No, I came to visit my Aunt Monica, she's the Reverend Mother here, now why on earth would I join a convent?


"Family Matters: Good Cop, Bad Cop (#5.15)" (1994)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [under laughing gas, laughing] I just realized, your name is Doctor Smiley.
[laughs]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: But you never smile! Getting you to smile would be like pulling teeth!
[laughs]


"Family Matters: Requiem for an Urkel (#2.11)" (1990)
[Walks over to Willie Fuffner]
Steven Quincy "Steve" Urkel: Fuffner, I've heard of some low things in my time, but forcing Laura to go to the dance with me is plain dispicable.
Willie Fuffner: [Wipes his own mouth] Thank you.
Steven Quincy "Steve" Urkel: [Unstraps his gloves] Sir, not only have you harrassed and insulted me, but you have sullied the reputation of my lady love.
[slaps Willie with his gloved hand]
Steven Quincy "Steve" Urkel: I demand satisfaction.
Willie Fuffner: He hit me with a mitten.
Waldo Faldo: Be careful he has another one.
Willie Fuffner: [Grabs Steves gloves] Urkel, you are dead meat!
Steven Quincy "Steve" Urkel: [is chased and hides behind a jock] Hold me back, hold me back.
[Comes out and fights Willie as the students cheer for a fight between Urkel and Fuffner]


"Family Matters: The Big Fix (#1.17)" (1990)
Eddie: What's that?
Steve Urkel: 'Standardized Urkel Elementary Math Exam'. It helps to determine how much help you need. Okay, first question. What do you get when you multiply a negative by a negative?
Eddie: A really big negative?
Steve Urkel: Uh-oh. Second question. Three times X equals six. What is the value of X?
Eddie: [chuckling] I know this one! It's either a number or a letter! Ha ha!
Steve Urkel: Whoa. This has never happened before.
Eddie: I did good, huh?
Steve Urkel: You didn't even make it onto the chart!


"Family Matters: Walking My Baby Back Home (#7.5)" (1995)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Wait just a minute here, Mr.McClure. Eddie didn't have to come back here and confess. Why he showed great strength of character and what's his reward: you fire him. Well let me tell you something sir, if that's the kind of boss you are. I don't *ever* want to work for you again.


"Family Matters: Rumor Has It (#4.4)" (1992)
Ted: I'm sorry, Laura. Look, I know it's asking a lot, but can we wipe the slate clean; start over?
Steven Quincy Urkel: No way!
Laura Lee Winslow: I don't know, Ted.
Steven Quincy Urkel: She doesn't know, Ted!
Laura Lee Winslow: I'll have to think about it.
Steven Quincy Urkel: She has to think about it!
Laura Lee Winslow: But it'll be real hard to forgive the fact that you boosted your rep by ruining mine.
Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh, you're history, Bub.
Laura Lee Winslow: Steve, I'll handle this conversation myself, okay?
Steven Quincy Urkel: She'll handle this conversation herself, okay?


"Family Matters: The Love God (#3.10)" (1991)
Steve Urkel: Care to mop my brow?
Laura: Forget it.
Steve Urkel: No sweat, my pet?
Laura: In your dreams.
Steve Urkel: Hey, this is my dream!
Laura: Well, then not even in your dreams.
Steve Urkel: I can't believe this! I'm being rejected in my own fantasy.


"Family Matters: Tips for a Better Life (#7.16)" (1996)
Steven Quincy Urkel: [Upon auditioning as a Musician for a Java Cafe] You see; I need this Job so I can fix a Friends floor.
Cafe Manager: Who cares?
Steven Quincy Urkel: Well, He does, why... the People down stairs can see right up his Boxers!


"Family Matters: High Hopes (#2.17)" (1991)
Lt. Murtaugh: You look familiar.
Steve Urkel: We met once. You showed me a picture of your dog.
Lt. Murtaugh: Right.
Steve Urkel: So, how is old Blood Fang?
Lt. Murtaugh: He's dead.
Steve Urkel: I'm sorry.
Lt. Murtaugh: Yeah... like that's gonna bring him back.
Steve Urkel: [to Carl] They actually give this guy bullets?


"Family Matters: Busted (#2.19)" (1991)
Laura: Steve... why did you give me this... this... THIS?
Steve Urkel: Because, I love you... love you... love you!


"Family Matters: Hot Stuff (#4.22)" (1993)
Steve Urkel: [after discovering that the stereo in Eddie's car has had its serial number scratched off] Uh-uh. Just as I thought. It seems the guy that you purchased your stereo equipment from didn't want you to fill in any important paper work.
Eddie: What do you mean Steve?
Steve Urkel: Edward this stuff's been hawked.


"Family Matters: Best Friends (#5.6)" (1993)
[Waldo has just given Eddie a list of IOU at Mighty Weenie]
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Seymour Butts?
[Waldo nods as Eddie goes to the next name]
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Willie Makeit?
[Waldo nods as Eddie goes to the last one]
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: DAN DRUFF?
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Oh don't worry they promised to come back tomorrow.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [Waldo heads into the kitchen as Steve emerges] You o.k., Eddo?
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: No. I think I'm gonna have to fire Waldo, Steve.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: But you can't fire Waldo, he's our friend.
[the oven explodes from the kitchen and Waldo emerges]
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: I think we're gonna need a new stove and a floor to put it on.
[smiles]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I'll miss Waldo.


"Family Matters: The Science Project (#2.10)" (1990)
[Steve accidentally set off his A-bomb]
Steve Urkel: Don't panic, my love! If I remember correctly, the safest place to be during a nuclear explosion is in a reinforced basement.
Laura: Not when the bomb is in the basement with you!
Steve Urkel: Good point... PANIC!


"Family Matters: The Naked and the Nerdy (#7.2)" (1995)
Edward 'Eddie' Winslow: [not knowing Steve and Laura saw each other naked] All right, chicken. I'm starved. Hey Steve, would you like a breast?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: No thanks, Eddie.
Edward 'Eddie' Winslow: Then how 'bout a nice juicy thigh?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Would you shut your filthy mouth!


"Family Matters: Dumb Belle of the Ball (#9.3)" (1997)
Sara Sue Pettyjohn: [stuck up toward Myrtle's lack of style and class] That's the difference between *old* money and *new* money.
Myrtle Urkel: Oh, how true, how true! Old money has more wrinkles!
Sara Sue Pettyjohn: [gasps and leaves]
Edward 'Eddie' Winslow: [laughing] Good one, Myrtle!


"Family Matters: An Officer and a Waldo (#4.7)" (1992)
Sergeant Shishka: Urkel, Winslow, you are not on my list of new recruits.
Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Oh well...
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: You mean to tell me that the Army screwed up the paper work again. Gosh I bet that's never happened before.
Sergeant Shishka: Don't insult my Army. I love my Army. I'll take this up later with the Lieutenant.


"Family Matters: Dream Date (#7.22)" (1996)
Robbins: Hey everyone, Laura Winslow's date is Steve Urkel
[prom guests gasp]
Donna Santangelo: And get this, Urkel's tuxedo fits!
[Prom Guests Gasp]
Laura: [as Steve and Laura walk in, the guests gasp again] Steve, everyone gasped.
Steve Urkel: Of course. You're so beautiful, you take their breath away.
Laura: Is it my imagination or is your voice lower?
Steve Urkel: I think it's because these pants are so loose!
Maxine Johnson: Ooh Laura, you look good.
Laura: So do you Max, guess what, Steve rented us a limo.
Waldo: We rented us a limo station wagon. All we had to do was drop some dead guy off at the graveyard.
Maxine Johnson: Was there a line to get your pictures taken when you guys walked in?
Steve Urkel: No, but it was moving kinda fast. Let's trot on over there and see what develops.
[laughs and snorts]


"Family Matters: Till Death Do Us Apartment (#6.3)" (1994)
[Waldo and Maxine are dancing to R&B music and professing their love for each other. While a miserable Eddie has to play checkers with Steve. Urkel defeats him]
Steve Urkel: King me. How about the next round we switch colors?
[Eddie groans as Carl walks in to brighten his mood]
Eddie: Dad?
Carl: Hi son, i was thinking if we...
Eddie: Yes we can!
[Eddie leaves with Carl to hang out with him. Undaunted, Steve switches the station to polka music and ends up having a good time dancing with Waldo and Maxine]


"Family Matters: Taking Credit (#2.21)" (1991)
Eddie: I'm sorry, Steve. We'll go camping together some other time. Just you and me. I promise, okay?
Steve Urkel: Okay.
Eddie: All right.
[goes to leave]
Steve Urkel: ...No, it's not okay! Eddie Winslow, front and center! Newsflash, Eddie! I have feelings. Inside this scrawny chest, there beats a heart. A heart that hurts. And the reason it hurts is because I've tried very hard to be your friend and all you've done is take advantage of me. Well, that's gonna stop right now! I'm not your personal doormat.
[pointing to Laura]
Steve Urkel: I'm her doormat!


"Family Matters: We're Going to Disney World: Part 1 (#6.22)" (1995)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [Stephan] Laura Winslow, you are the sun, the rain, and the wind that flowers my soul. I love you more than life itself. Will you marry me?


"Family Matters: Laura's First Date (#1.12)" (1989)
Steve Urkel: [shows up in the living room with his flowers from the cemetery] Hi Laura, these are for you. Wow, are you wearing a bra?


"Family Matters: Robo-Nerd (#3.7)" (1991)
Steve Urkel: Have you guys seen Laura?
Eddie: Nope.
Waldo: Sure you have. Pretty girl, dark hair... your sister for God's sake!
Eddie: I meant, I haven't seen her today.
Waldo: Ohh... Cool.


"Family Matters: Making the Team (#3.8)" (1991)
Steve Urkel: I've got an Uncle Dirk Urkel who was blessed with a two-foot long nose hair. Well, he got it trapped in the rear door of a Buick and was dragged eight and a half blocks.


"Family Matters: Son (#2.15)" (1991)
Carl: Okay, you read the instructions, while I add all the pieces.
Steve Urkel: Okay.
[reading]
Steve Urkel: Mongu! Chico! Mondo do du chok! Wa chee! Chocum hi chip chok!
Carl: What are you babbling about?
Steve Urkel: This page is in Korean. They misspelled three words.
Carl: You can read Korean?
Steve Urkel: Why, sure! It's a beautiful language. I'll teach you. We'll start with a common Korean phrase. "No mo giet itsu mana! Mont gio sam eea!"
Carl: Well, what's that mean?
Steve Urkel: I've fallen and I can't get up!


"Family Matters: Tender Kisses (#4.15)" (1993)
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: This diary belongs to Harriette and I will not violate her privacy. And there is nothing you can do to ever change my mind.
Carl Otis Winslow: How about if I convince Laura to go out on a date with you.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [Opens Diary] January 1, We had a wonderful New Years Eve party, except Carl got sick and threw up in the living room.
Carl Otis Winslow: Yeah skip that part.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: March 10, Went to the market. I've been there a 100 times, but this time was different. I met Raoul.
Carl Otis Winslow: Raoul? Whose Raoul?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Wait Wait. Raoul is the new produce manager. He introduced himself and I was immediately struck by deep brown eyes, his engaging sense of humor and how delicately he handled my cantalopes.
Carl Otis Winslow: [Gasps] Why of all the low down...
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Calm down, Carl. Calm down, easy. Raoul asked me out, but I told him that I was happily married.
Carl Otis Winslow: That a girl, Harriette.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: March 24th, Raoul's houseoat is beautiful.
Carl Otis Winslow: What?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I feel so safe in Raoul's strong arms I love him soo much and I sorta like Carl.
Carl Otis Winslow: Oh nooo.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Well hold on there big guy, listen to this.
[poins to the part on Harriette's diary]
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Aha, it's over with me and Raoul.
Carl Otis Winslow: Oh thank god.
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Chuck is twice the man Raoul is.
Carl Otis Winslow: CHUCK?
Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Who would've thought Harriette was a bit friendly.


"Family Matters: Baker's Dozens (#1.14)" (1990)
[just got lemon tart filling thrown at him]
Steve Urkel: Can I have a glass of milk to go with my face?