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Quotes for
Bert Raccoon (Character)
from "The Raccoons" (1985)

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"The Raccoons: Buried Treasure! (#1.6)" (1986)
Bert: Adventure is my middle name!
Cedric: Mine's Sidney!

Cedric: Oh no! Removing the treasure's setting off the traps! I thought you said they wouldn't work!
Bert: I guess I can't be right all the time...


"The Raccoons: Double Play! (#2.1)" (1987)
Bert: Only one person's gonna get that contract and that's me!
Cedric: Says who, big shot?
Bert: Says *me*, hose nose!

Bert: Me without Cedric is like peanut butter without bananas, campfires without marshmallows...
Ralph: [to Schaeffer] Bert without a messy room!


"The Raccoons: Cry Wolf! (#1.9)" (1986)
Bert: Bert: What did I tell you? See, see? I bet that guy has a submachine gun!
Ralph: That's a violin case, Bert.
Bert: But they always put machine guns in violin cases! Everyone knows that!

Cyril: [Bert disguises himself as 'Auntie Bertha' in a bid to get information out of Cyril whilst helping him get to sleep] I want to hear a real story! Give me King Midas. I want to hear about Midas and his wonderful golden touch!
Bert: Once upon a time there was king with a golden touch.
Cyril: Ooh, I like that. My kind of man!
Bert: Everything he touched turned to gold.
Cyril: Good, good
Bert: His cities were gold, his streets were gold.
Cyril: Marvelous! Marvelous!
Cyril: In fact, his whole kingdom was paved with gold. He even paved the forest with gold. What do you think of that?
Pig Two: Oh that's nothing! We're going to do that tomorrow - with cement!


"The Raccoons: Surprise Attack (#1.1)" (1985)
Cedric: [When Bert and Sophia arrive to spring him from the Dungeon] I'm not supposed to have visitors!
Bert: We're not visitors. We're *liberators*!


"The Raccoons: A Night to Remember (#1.3)" (1985)
Bert: [Reciting the secret handshake] Rub your belly with linseed oil, wrap your head in aluminum foil, Clap your hands, stamp your feet, our secret hand shake can't be beat! YAHOO!


"The Raccoons: Going It Alone! (#1.2)" (1985)
Melissa: You know, Bert. I think we should have a little talk.
Bert: Talk? Ohhh... Let's ride!
Ralph: What Melissa wants to talk about, Bert is... our private time.
Bert: Our private time? But Ralph, I love our private time! Why I even love our private time when Melissa is with us too!
Melissa: [peeved] Ohhhh... I meant *our* Private time!
Bert: Oh.
Melissa: Well, you said it yourself; We eat together, we work together, we do everything *together*!
[Bert hangs his head]
Melissa: You're *never* on your own. Why, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were *afraid* to be by yourself!
Bert: [Offended now] Afraid? Me, Afraid? *Bert Raccoon*?
[scoffs]
Bert: Huh! Afraid to be alone!
[Proudly]
Bert: Why, I'm not afraid of anything! I even go to sleep without a nightlight!


"The Raccoons: Stop the Clock! (#2.5)" (1987)
Bert: [Bert comes down to meet Bentley, but slips on the stairs and falls down them] Hi! You must be Bentley?
Bentley: And you must be hurt!
Bert: That's er... *Bert*! How was your trip?
Bentley: Fine! How was *yours*?
Melissa: Bentley, you're gonna be sharing Bert's room
Bentley: Mr Bert, pleased to make your acquaintanceship.
Bert: Hey! Smart kid! And he knows foreign languages!


"The Raccoons: Rumours! (#1.10)" (1986)
Bert: Now I'll be Sir Bert! Defender of the feeble, champion of the weak and employee of the month! The shining knight of the Evergreen Forest!
[One of Cyril's pigs snatches Bert's stuff from him]
Cyril: Make that blazing idiot, bandit face!


"The Raccoons: The Evergreen Grand Prix (#1.4)" (1985)
Ralph: [after learning of Cyril's plans to tear down the forest for his car factory] This could be the end of the forest as we know it!
Melissa: This could be the end of our way of life!
Bert: hey! This could be the beginning of a brand new career!