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: All I've got is my money, this mansion, and my good looks! What would a bunch of dumb raccoons want with that? Heh, heh... *absolutely everything*!
: [Cyril is briefing his bears on spying on the raccoons
] Attention! Now hear this. You are the hand picked elite. The finest secret service ever created. So secret you don't even know who each other are. Now, here's your mission.
[starts projector ,showing slides of the Raccoons to his goons
: These, my secretive stool pigeons, are the conspirators. Study them. But don't be fooled. They are not as dumb as they look. Note the masks on their eyes. A sure sign of a thief. A robber. Or maybe even a filthy agitator! Note this one
[points to a projection of Schaeffer
: No eyes. Extremely dangerous. Has a keen sense of smell - so take a bath!
: [Snag is lifting his leg, about to urinate on the bear in the tree costume
] Don't you *dare*, Snag! I've just had that tree dry cleaned!
: Try to surprise Cyril Sneer? Well I love to spoil surprises!
: It's time to call out my secret service. Cedric
: What secret service? Cyril
: It's so secret, I haven't told *anyone*!
: [to his Bear minions
] You are nothing but a powerless paralytic inept ineffective bumbing bunch of deadbeat bears! Some secret service! You didn't even load the camera! You don't seem to realise that if I go, *you* go! Somewhere out there is an army that is out to destroy everything I've pillaged, cheated, robbed and connived to build. And because of your bumbling they not only know that I know what they know but I don't even know when they'll do what I know they'll do! Anyway, I don't like not knowing! Now get out there and dig up some dirt!
: What's this? Cedric
: My homework! Cyril
: You've been out of school for three years! Cedric
: It's... late?
: [Reading Cedric's note and misinterpreting
] My own son, plotting to overthrow me? Very commendable! I didn't know you had it in you! But no matter, Cedric, my boy... It didn't work! Guards! Cedric
: Pop, you got it all wrong... Cyril
: Take him to the Dungeon! Cedric
: Not again! Cyril
: And No Color TV!
: The search for the fountain of youth? What's this all about? Pig One
: According to this book sir, one sip from this legendary elusive fountain can give someone eternal youth! Cyril
: Eternal youth? Preposterous! Ridiculous! Ludicrous!
: Find it immediately!
: Pop, can I borrow your old track shoes and Varsity sweater? It's for the track meet. Cyril
: These shoes and I have seen a lot of good years together. And this sweater, it went great with my old raccoon-skin coat! Cedric
] Pop! Cyril
] Just a joke, son...
: [Tasting the "Youth Water" and spits it at Pig One
] This stuff tastes terrible! It *must* be good for me!
[He gulps more
: Ha! Strange taste. Would go well with jelly!
: If I gave out as much as my back does, I'd be broke!
: [Tampering with the High Jump
] You call that a jump? Now lift that bar. I want it higher! Pig Two
: Higher sir? Cyril
: *Higher*! Higher than my bank's interest rates!
: [about the Sneermobile
] I want this thing to guzzle gas, belch smoke, and tear up the pavement, not necessarily in that order!
: Wait til you see the lead we take in this la, Mammoth! There'll be enough daylight between us and them to fill an Arctic Summer!
: [to the Pigs
] You porkers couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel!
: Out of my way! I've got millions to make!
: [to one of the Pigs
] Careful, you swine. Ruin this opportunity for me, and you'll all be invited to a big barbecue. Hah. As the main course!
: If you can't make it on your own, then you can't make it! And that's the way you've got to make it in this world Cedric. Alone!
: [Cyril sets off a trap which causes a boulder to roll down the hill to stop Bert getting up the mountain
] I built this stuff into the mountain twenty years ago, and it still works!
[the boulder rebounds off the curved trunk of a tree just before it reaches Bert, and is sent flying back towards Cyril and the pigs
] Pig One
: Unfortunately sir, but... Pig Two
: That tree wasn't there... Pig Three
: TWENTY YEARS AGO!
: [Sees Bert making his way back up the mountain after falling
] What? He's still coming? He must be a cat in a raccoonskin suit!
: [the Pigs find Sam Sneer's Statue at the top of the mountain
] *This* is the secret we've been protecting?
] Cyril Sneer
] You find something funny about a Sneer that gave away *all* his money? Pig One
, Pig Two
, Pig Three
: No, sir! No, sir! Cyril Sneer
: A Sneer who gave everything away to charity? This statue is an embarrassment to me! It could ruin my image forever! Pig One
: But sir, why don't you just destroy it? Cyril Sneer
: Destroy it? Pig Two
: Yes, Sir. Destroy it! Cyril Sneer
: On top of by being quiet, humble, generous and kind, I also always keep my word.
[hears his Uncle's voice in flashback
] Sam Sneer
: Promise me! Cyril Sneer
: I suggest you do the same. Pig One
, Pig Two
, Pig Three
: Yes sir. Cyril Sneer
: Because if one breath ever gets out about this, it'll be kicking you off of the 50 yard line at next year's Superbowl! Is that clear? Pig One
, Pig Two
, Pig Three
] Yes, sir! Pig One
: Your secret's safe with us sir! Pig Three
: Our lips are sealed! Cyril Sneer
: So's your fate! Now get this eyesore where no one will ever find it!
: Your hot chocolate, sir. Cyril
: I've had my hot chocolate! I've had my hot bath! And I still can't sleep! I haven't slept for a week!
: I get vicious when I can't sleep! I'm not my usual loveable self!
: [Bert disguises himself as 'Auntie Bertha' in a bid to get information out of Cyril whilst helping him get to sleep
] I want to hear a real story! Give me King Midas. I want to hear about Midas and his wonderful golden touch! Bert
: Once upon a time there was king with a golden touch. Cyril
: Ooh, I like that. My kind of man! Bert
: Everything he touched turned to gold. Cyril
: Good, good Bert
: His cities were gold, his streets were gold. Cyril
: Marvelous! Marvelous! Cyril
: In fact, his whole kingdom was paved with gold. He even paved the forest with gold. What do you think of that? Pig Two
: Oh that's nothing! We're going to do that tomorrow - with cement!
: [after discovering "Auntie Bertha" is actually Bert in Drag
] Cyril: What? What the devil? You're not Auntie Bertha! You're a raccoon! What kind of weirdo are you anyway?
: Can't you bears speed it up? If you were any slower you'd be unionised! I want this mansion to make the Taj Mahal look like a toolshed! Bert: Now I'll be Sir Bert! Defender of the feeble, champion of the weak and employee of the month! The shining knight of the Evergreen Forest!
: Now I'll be Sir Bert! Defender of the feeble, champion of the weak and employee of the month! The shining knight of the Evergreen Forest!
[One of Cyril's pigs snatches Bert's stuff from him
: Make that blazing idiot, bandit face!
: [Cyril accidentally crashes Melissa and Ralph's play, thinking that the real royal family were showing up, Ralph whispers aside to Melissa
] What's going on? Melissa
] I don't know, Ralph. But make like it's part of the play. The show must go on!
: I have the most wonderful news! The royal family is coming to our forest! Ralph
: [playing along
] The royal family? Coming to our forest? How soon do they arrive? Cyril
: Er, um, I don't know. They should be here in a few minutes... unless they stopped for some last minute shopping! Ralph
: What? Er, last minute shopping? Melissa
: They're coming to bestow a special honour on one of our own! It's to be a surprise! Cyril
: You're telling me. Ralph
: Er, what brings you, fair knight, to our forest? Cyril
: I was just in the neighbourhood... I er... I just thought I'd drop by.
[he slips and falls over, causing the audience to laugh
: Hey you! Bring that umbrella back here! What are you trying to do, turn me purple? Pig Two
: Yes, sir! I mean, no, sir!
: Of course I want you to check it out! Why do you think I pay you that fancy salary? Pig One
, Pig Two
, Pig Three
: But we've never been paid! Cyril
: The cheque's in the mail.
: Pop! It's just a harmless adventure! Cyril
: Adventure? There's no adventure in a treasure that isn't collecting 12 and a quarter percent per annum!
: [Boat Motor has packed in while Cyril and the Pigs are escaping
] What in *blazes* is going on? Pig Two
: It appears it's given up the ghost, sir! Cyril
: *You'll* be ghosts if you don't get this barge moving!
: [to Pig Two
] If you were twice as smart as you think you are, you'd still be a halfwit!
: This place looks like a pig sty! Pig One
, Pig Two
, Pig Three
: Oh, Thank you, sir! We try, sir!