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Quotes for
Cyril Sneer (Character)
from "The Raccoons" (1985)

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"The Raccoons: Surprise Attack (#1.1)" (1985)
Cyril: All I've got is my money, this mansion, and my good looks! What would a bunch of dumb raccoons want with that? Heh, heh... *absolutely everything*!

Cyril: [Cyril is briefing his bears on spying on the raccoons] Attention! Now hear this. You are the hand picked elite. The finest secret service ever created. So secret you don't even know who each other are. Now, here's your mission.
[starts projector ,showing slides of the Raccoons to his goons]
Cyril: These, my secretive stool pigeons, are the conspirators. Study them. But don't be fooled. They are not as dumb as they look. Note the masks on their eyes. A sure sign of a thief. A robber. Or maybe even a filthy agitator! Note this one
[points to a projection of Schaeffer]
Cyril: No eyes. Extremely dangerous. Has a keen sense of smell - so take a bath!

Cyril: [Snag is lifting his leg, about to urinate on the bear in the tree costume] Don't you *dare*, Snag! I've just had that tree dry cleaned!

Cyril: Try to surprise Cyril Sneer? Well I love to spoil surprises!

Cyril: It's time to call out my secret service.
Cedric: What secret service?
Cyril: It's so secret, I haven't told *anyone*!

Cyril: [to his Bear minions] You are nothing but a powerless paralytic inept ineffective bumbing bunch of deadbeat bears! Some secret service! You didn't even load the camera! You don't seem to realise that if I go, *you* go! Somewhere out there is an army that is out to destroy everything I've pillaged, cheated, robbed and connived to build. And because of your bumbling they not only know that I know what they know but I don't even know when they'll do what I know they'll do! Anyway, I don't like not knowing! Now get out there and dig up some dirt!

Cyril: What's this?
Cedric: My homework!
Cyril: You've been out of school for three years!
Cedric: It's... late?

Cyril: [Reading Cedric's note and misinterpreting] My own son, plotting to overthrow me? Very commendable! I didn't know you had it in you! But no matter, Cedric, my boy... It didn't work! Guards!
Cedric: Pop, you got it all wrong...
Cyril: Take him to the Dungeon!
Cedric: Not again!
Cyril: And No Color TV!


"The Raccoons: Stop the Clock! (#2.5)" (1987)
Cyril: The search for the fountain of youth? What's this all about?
Pig One: According to this book sir, one sip from this legendary elusive fountain can give someone eternal youth!
Cyril: Eternal youth? Preposterous! Ridiculous! Ludicrous!
[beat]
Cyril: Find it immediately!

Cedric: Pop, can I borrow your old track shoes and Varsity sweater? It's for the track meet.
Cyril: These shoes and I have seen a lot of good years together. And this sweater, it went great with my old raccoon-skin coat!
Cedric: [appalled] Pop!
Cyril: [chuckles] Just a joke, son...

Cyril: [Tasting the "Youth Water" and spits it at Pig One] This stuff tastes terrible! It *must* be good for me!
[He gulps more]
Cyril: Ha! Strange taste. Would go well with jelly!

Cyril: If I gave out as much as my back does, I'd be broke!

Cyril: [Tampering with the High Jump] You call that a jump? Now lift that bar. I want it higher!
Pig Two: Higher sir?
Cyril: *Higher*! Higher than my bank's interest rates!


"The Raccoons: The Evergreen Grand Prix (#1.4)" (1985)
Cyril: [about the Sneermobile] I want this thing to guzzle gas, belch smoke, and tear up the pavement, not necessarily in that order!

Cyril: Wait til you see the lead we take in this la, Mammoth! There'll be enough daylight between us and them to fill an Arctic Summer!

Cyril: [to the Pigs] You porkers couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel!

Cyril: Out of my way! I've got millions to make!

Cyril: [to one of the Pigs] Careful, you swine. Ruin this opportunity for me, and you'll all be invited to a big barbecue. Hah. As the main course!


"The Raccoons: Going It Alone! (#1.2)" (1985)
Cyril: If you can't make it on your own, then you can't make it! And that's the way you've got to make it in this world Cedric. Alone!

Cyril Sneer: [Cyril sets off a trap which causes a boulder to roll down the hill to stop Bert getting up the mountain] I built this stuff into the mountain twenty years ago, and it still works!
[the boulder rebounds off the curved trunk of a tree just before it reaches Bert, and is sent flying back towards Cyril and the pigs]
Pig One: Unfortunately sir, but...
Pig Two: That tree wasn't there...
Pig Three: TWENTY YEARS AGO!

Cyril: [Sees Bert making his way back up the mountain after falling] What? He's still coming? He must be a cat in a raccoonskin suit!

Pig One: [the Pigs find Sam Sneer's Statue at the top of the mountain] *This* is the secret we've been protecting?
[Pigs Giggle]
Cyril Sneer: [enraged] You find something funny about a Sneer that gave away *all* his money?
Pig One, Pig Two, Pig Three: No, sir! No, sir!
Cyril Sneer: A Sneer who gave everything away to charity? This statue is an embarrassment to me! It could ruin my image forever!
Pig One: But sir, why don't you just destroy it?
Cyril Sneer: Destroy it?
Pig Two: Yes, Sir. Destroy it!
Cyril Sneer: On top of by being quiet, humble, generous and kind, I also always keep my word.
[hears his Uncle's voice in flashback]
Sam Sneer: Promise me!
Cyril Sneer: I suggest you do the same.
Pig One, Pig Two, Pig Three: Yes sir.
Cyril Sneer: Because if one breath ever gets out about this, it'll be kicking you off of the 50 yard line at next year's Superbowl! Is that clear?
Pig One, Pig Two, Pig Three: [Terrified] Yes, sir!
Pig One: Your secret's safe with us sir!
Pig Three: Our lips are sealed!
Cyril Sneer: So's your fate! Now get this eyesore where no one will ever find it!


"The Raccoons: Cry Wolf! (#1.9)" (1986)
Bear: Your hot chocolate, sir.
Cyril: I've had my hot chocolate! I've had my hot bath! And I still can't sleep! I haven't slept for a week!

Cyril: I get vicious when I can't sleep! I'm not my usual loveable self!

Cyril: [Bert disguises himself as 'Auntie Bertha' in a bid to get information out of Cyril whilst helping him get to sleep] I want to hear a real story! Give me King Midas. I want to hear about Midas and his wonderful golden touch!
Bert: Once upon a time there was king with a golden touch.
Cyril: Ooh, I like that. My kind of man!
Bert: Everything he touched turned to gold.
Cyril: Good, good
Bert: His cities were gold, his streets were gold.
Cyril: Marvelous! Marvelous!
Cyril: In fact, his whole kingdom was paved with gold. He even paved the forest with gold. What do you think of that?
Pig Two: Oh that's nothing! We're going to do that tomorrow - with cement!

Cyril: [after discovering "Auntie Bertha" is actually Bert in Drag] Cyril: What? What the devil? You're not Auntie Bertha! You're a raccoon! What kind of weirdo are you anyway?


"The Raccoons: Rumours! (#1.10)" (1986)
Cyril: Can't you bears speed it up? If you were any slower you'd be unionised! I want this mansion to make the Taj Mahal look like a toolshed! Bert: Now I'll be Sir Bert! Defender of the feeble, champion of the weak and employee of the month! The shining knight of the Evergreen Forest!

Bert: Now I'll be Sir Bert! Defender of the feeble, champion of the weak and employee of the month! The shining knight of the Evergreen Forest!
[One of Cyril's pigs snatches Bert's stuff from him]
Cyril: Make that blazing idiot, bandit face!

Ralph: [Cyril accidentally crashes Melissa and Ralph's play, thinking that the real royal family were showing up, Ralph whispers aside to Melissa] What's going on?
Melissa: [whispering] I don't know, Ralph. But make like it's part of the play. The show must go on!
[to Audience]
Melissa: I have the most wonderful news! The royal family is coming to our forest!
Ralph: [playing along] The royal family? Coming to our forest? How soon do they arrive?
Cyril: Er, um, I don't know. They should be here in a few minutes... unless they stopped for some last minute shopping!
Ralph: What? Er, last minute shopping?
Melissa: They're coming to bestow a special honour on one of our own! It's to be a surprise!
Cyril: You're telling me.
Ralph: Er, what brings you, fair knight, to our forest?
Cyril: I was just in the neighbourhood... I er... I just thought I'd drop by.
[he slips and falls over, causing the audience to laugh]


"The Raccoons: A Night to Remember (#1.3)" (1985)
Cyril: Hey you! Bring that umbrella back here! What are you trying to do, turn me purple?
Pig Two: Yes, sir! I mean, no, sir!

Cyril: Of course I want you to check it out! Why do you think I pay you that fancy salary?
Pig One, Pig Two, Pig Three: But we've never been paid!
Cyril: The cheque's in the mail.


"The Raccoons: Buried Treasure! (#1.6)" (1986)
Cedric: Pop! It's just a harmless adventure!
Cyril: Adventure? There's no adventure in a treasure that isn't collecting 12 and a quarter percent per annum!

Cyril: [Boat Motor has packed in while Cyril and the Pigs are escaping] What in *blazes* is going on?
Pig Two: It appears it's given up the ghost, sir!
Cyril: *You'll* be ghosts if you don't get this barge moving!


"The Raccoons: The Runaways! (#1.5)" (1985)
Cyril: [to Pig Two] If you were twice as smart as you think you are, you'd still be a halfwit!

Cyril: This place looks like a pig sty!
Pig One, Pig Two, Pig Three: Oh, Thank you, sir! We try, sir!