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: You know, it's none of my business, but don't you think taking riding lessons is a pretty expensive way to meet a girl? Ozzie Nelson
: Yeah, especially since you don't need the lessons? Ricky Nelson
: Oh, well, we made a deal. See, I'm gonna teach her how to play the guitar, and she's gonna teach me how to ride. Ozzie Nelson
: Well, that sounds like a good idea. Harriet Nelson
: What happens, if she finds out you can ride? David Nelson
: Probably hit him over the head with the guitar.
: One of these days I'm going to write a book.You know what I'm going to call it? Ozzie Nelson
: What? David Nelson
: "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet!"
: David has some Shakespeare to read tonight, haven't you, David? David Nelson
: Yes, ma'am. Ozzie Nelson
: Oh? What are you going to read? David Nelson
: Hamlet. Ozzie Nelson
: That's a wise selection. David Nelson
: Thanks, Pop. Our teacher made it.
: Shakespeare is the world's greatest playwright. His plays are known the world over. Ricky Nelson
: I think he's a little corny, myself. David Nelson
: I don't see anything corny about him. Ricky Nelson
: Oh, no? What about that Hamlet? Guy's talkin' to himself about commitin' suicide, walkin' through graveyards pickin' up old skulls - it just isn't commercial.
: Cows don't eat you - why should you eat cows?
[Ozzie is checking a deck of cards
] Ozzie Nelson
: Dave, would you count these and see how many you get?
[Dave riffles the cards
] Dave Nelson
: 51. Ozzie Nelson
: Well, are you sure? Dave Nelson
: Sure, Pop. Here's the other one.
] Ricky Nelson
: What happened to all the candy? Harriet Nelson
: You finished it yesterday. Ricky Nelson
: I sure do miss dessert. David Nelson
: Haven't you got any willpower? Ricky Nelson
: What's willpower got to do with it? I happen to be a growing boy, and I need some carbohydrates to keep my engine steamed up. David Nelson
: Look at Pop. Nobody likes desserts more than he does, and he's not complainin'. Ricky Nelson
: Well, naturally. It was his idea. Harriet Nelson
: I don't understand how you get so many holes in the toe of your sock. Ricky Nelson
: My toes are so bony from not having any dessert. Ozzie Nelson
: Come on. Forget about dessert, and do your homework. Ricky Nelson
: I finished my homework. David Nelson
: Do it again; it's probably wrong.
: Oh, I just can't keep up with these dances. It took me two years to learn how to do The Twist, and by then, it was out-of-style.
: That sounds kind of serious to me. Harriet Nelson
: Oh, I don't think so. Afterall, he went over there for dinner last night, and evidentally had a pretty good meal, but he came home and made himself a double-decker sandwich. Nobody in love has an appetite like that. Ozzie Nelson
: That's true. They say the best indication of a man' being in love is loss of appetite. Oh, by the way, is lunch almost ready? I'm starved.
: Goodnight, Barbara. Harriet
: Goodnight, Walter.
[Darby crosses the street and approaches Ozzie and Thorny
: Mr. Nelson? Ozzie
: Oh, hello there, Mr. Darby. How do you do, sir? It's a pleasure to see you. Darby
: Well, I thought it was about time I stopped by and got acquainted with my new neighbors. Ozzie
: Oh, fine. This is Mr. Thornberry - Mr. Darby. Thorny
: [shaking hands
] How do you do Mr. Darby? Darby
: Aw, forget the Mister. My friends call me just plain Darby. Ozzie
: Oh, well, I'm Ozzie - this is Thorny. Thorny
: My friends call me just plain sloppy.
: [complaining about night school
] Ever since I enrolled in this darn course, I haven't even had a chance to get out of the house. I haven't seen a moving picture show. I haven't had a chance to go bowling. I haven't been to a lodge meeting. Even home, I haven't had a chance to watch television. Golly, I've just been studying, studying, nothing but study ever since I enrolled, and tonight is my bowling night, too. Emmylou
: But you're getting an education. Ozzie Nelson
] Oh, some education. Woodcraft? Emmylou
: Woodcraft, using precision tools, carving, sawing. Surely you've gotten something out of that. Ozzie Nelson
: Well, I've learned how to open a Band-Aid with one hand.
: Is something wrong, dear? Ozzie
] What do you mean - is something wrong? Harriet
: Well, it's just that you started off this morning in such high spirit. What happened? Is it something I've done? Ozzie
: [more annoyed
] Well, no, of course not! What's the matter with everybody today? I go around doing my best to be cheerful, and everybody I meet has a chip on his shoulder! Harriet, where'd you get that picture on he wall? That horrible face! Harriet
: [turns to look
] That isn't a picture, dear, that's you. I moved the mirror.
] Ozzie Nelson
: Hi. Harriet and I are just gonna take it easy on this particular show and let the second-generation take over. Harriet Nelson
: This story really doesn't involve us, so Ozzie and I are just going to lean back and join you folks as viewers. The family acting chores are taken care of by Rick, and Dave directs this one. Doesn't he? Ozzie Nelson
: Yeah, he sure does. It's called "Wally's Pen Pal", and I think you'll enjoy it. Harriet Nelson
: It's a real good show.
: Boy, times sure have changed since we were kids. We used to do all the mechanical work by ourselves, and the only tools we had were a hammer and a pair of pliers. Ricky Nelson
: Well, don't you think the modern cars are better, Pop? Ozzie Nelson
: Well, I suppose so. Everything improves. But under certain conditions, I'm not sure the old cars couldn't hold their own with the modern hotrod. And we didn't have to take them to specialty shops, either. We could take 'em apart and put 'em together again right in our own backyard. Couldn't we, Darb? Darby
: Sure - and we usually had a few parts left over, too.
: [standing in the backyard
] I understand we're playing host to a pet show here tomorrow. Ozzie Nelson
: Oh, uh, yeah - where'd you hear about it? Rick Nelson
: Oh, from about fourteen kids and a couple of talking dogs. Ozzie Nelson
: Talking dogs, huh? Rick Nelson
: Well, they weren't talking to me - they were discussing it among themselves.
] Ozzie Nelson
: [breaking the 4th wall
] That's, uh, kind of a cute twist at the finish there - didn't you think?
: Did you hear the wonderful news? The drummer has been taken sick!
: Darn that Joe Randolph!
[Ozzie and Harriet are redecorating a room with a nautical theme for a sea captain friend
] Harriet Nelson
: Oh, I couldn't find any mermaid's tails, but I could borrow some of Ricky's old pin-up pictures Ozzie Nelson
: Pin-up pictures? What for? Harriet Nelson
: Well, he's a sailor isn't he? Ozzie Nelson
: He's a little more than a sailor, Harriet. He's a captain! Harriet Nelson
: Well, these are pretty good pictures.
] Ricky Nelson
: Do we have any books on dog training, Pop? Ozzie Nelson
: Dog training? No, I don't think we do. Your mother just uses psychology on me.
] Ozzie Nelson
: [standing in their bedroom
] Uh, Harriet, did you sew the button on my sport coat? Harriet Nelson
: Yes, I did. Ozzie Nelson
: Where is it? Harriet Nelson
: Right opposite the buttonhole.
: You know, they ought to let women join the fire department - then I'd see more of you. Ozzie Nelson
: Are you kidding? You gals take too long to dress. By the time you got your makeup on, the fire'd be out.
[Dave has taken up off-road motorcycle racing
] Harriet Nelson
: It's pretty dangerous, isn't it? David Nelson
: Oh, not especially - not if you don't do anything foolish. Ozzie Nelson
: You mean like getting on the motorcycle? David Nelson
: No - I mean like falling off!
: What is this taffy company tryin' to pull?
: I got a couple of eggs here, Pop. You want 'em? Ozzie Nelson
: Are they fried or scrambled? Ricky Nelson