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[Michelle slaps Abigail after she kisses Tony
: Ow! I'll kill you, you fucking flat-chested cocksucking spastic horse-fucker!
: Whoa... good swearing.
[five minutes later
: [Sid walks past Abigail in corridor and stops
] Michelle would never, never fuck a horse.
: I bet Tony isn't failing his coursework is he? Sid
: No. Mark Jenkins
: No. And you know why? Sid
: Because he doesn't take history.
: What's the next class? Sid
: Drama. Mark Jenkins
: Right. Drama. Coursework. Fucking perfection. Or else! Sid
: Why are you talking in very short sentences? Mark Jenkins
: Emphasis! Drama! Fuck off!
: You have been warned. No telly, no stereo, no Asian fanny fun. That should be enough to help you concentrate. Is it? Sid
: Yes, dad.
: And you can fuck off too. Abigail Stock
: Michelle, I'm wondering why you're overreacting like this. Michelle
: Overreacting? Right in my face you whore. Abigail Stock
: You know, typically episodes of paranoia might be symptomatic of a wide range of emotional and mental issues. Maybe you need some help with controlling your outbursts. My mother's a psychologist.
[Michelle slaps Abigail
] Abigail Stock
: I'll kill you, you fucking flatchested cocksucking spastic fucking horsefucker. Sid
: Wow. Good swearing.
: Michelle would never, never, fuck a horse.
: What's that smell? Sid
: Piss. Mark Jenkins
: Yours? Sid
: Someone else's.
: You fucking freak me out sometimes. Tony Stonem
: But it's never dull is it?
: did you think that we wouldn't know? did you actually... did you think that we wouldn't know? Sid Jenkins
: Dad, You're such a... Mark Jenkins
: Such a what? Such a... Such a what? Such a fucking what? Such a Fucking What? Sid Jenkins
: Dildo! Mark Jenkins
: [looks at Sid and Wife, Liz, in Shock
[Sid and Liz look away
] Mark Jenkins
: OH, FUCK THE PAIR OF YOU!
: All right, Maxx? Maxxie
: No. Tony
: Why? Maxxie
: Well, Anwar's decided to become a Muslim. Sid Jenkins
: What, like, more Muslim than he was already? Maxxie
: A bit more Muslim, yeah.
[under Anka's covers
: Every time. Every fucking time. 'Buy three ounces of weed, Sidney.' 'Oh yes, sir.' 'Shove a bag of pills up your ass, Sidney.' 'Oh right away.' 'Come help me save some random chick.' 'Oh could I?' What have we learned, Sidney? Your friends are shitheads.
: Okay so the plan is? Anwar
: We get in, rescue her, get out, Sid's a big hero, Anwar gets his marbles gobbled. Simple.
: You would not believe what I've just been through. I jumped out of a window, got chased into a bush, waded through a river. All the while being chased by your nutter of a da. But it's okay though because I reckon I lost him.
: I think I'm about to deliver. Tony Stonem
: Great, just in time for Heathrow security.
: Three things, Sid. 1: Get rid of the hat, it makes you look retarded. Sid Jenkins
: Right. Tony Stonem
: [Tony kisses his forehead
] 2: I always loved you the best, Sid. 3... I can't think of a three.
[Tony hugs him
: The three of us. Together again. And we've all seen each other naked. Which is... nice.
: Hi. Can I speak to Sid Jenkins? Sid Jenkins
: You are. Graham Miles
: Oh! You're Sid? I imagined you'd be fatter, with bigger ears...
: New York? Why would I wanna go to New York? Tony Stonem
: She's thin, she's blonde, and she says "Wow..." a lot.
: It's *you and me*. You know that and you're being stupid.
: I hate you. Cassie Ainsworth
: I hate you right back. Why don't you pop over to Michelle's and give her one? Oh, *another* one!
: I don't love Michelle, I never loved Michelle, I love you, but you, you... Where were you? Dad fucking died. I needed you.
: She was my girlfriend. Sid Jenkins
: She wasn't your girlfriend. You didn't want her. Tony Stonem
: Well, now I do, so fuck you.
: You left before her mum called the police, right? Cassie
: yea Sid
: Yea, it went a bit wrong. Um, Tony had to go and jijitsu Mr Michelle cause, well cause he's a total fucking wanker really.
: How do you do it? Cassie
: What? Sid
: Come on, Cass. I mean you never eat anything. Your parents must notice or something. I dunno. Cassie
: I like you, Sid. Sid
: ...Okay. Cassie
: So, I'm going to show you.
[begins cutting up food
: You have to do a lot of talking. I'm good at talking. You do that while you're cutting things up, a lot. And then, questions.
[lifts fork to her mouth, stops
: Where's your student card? Sid
: Sorry? Cassie
: Your ID.
[resumes cutting up food
: Have you got it? Sid
: No. I, uh, lost it somewhere, last week. Cassie
: Change the subject. This is great. I love these sausages. You should try one. Go on.
[puts a sausage on Sid's plate
: Delicious. Sid
: Hang on, you didn't... Cassie
: You're not quite sure what I'm on about, but I keep distracting you. So, then, I up the ante.
[picks up Sid's plate of fries
: Yum, I love this stuff.
[pushes a few fries onto her plate
: Really delicious. You're really sure that I want some more, so I'll keep waving at you, until you stop looking at me.
[raises fork to mouth, stops
: Where'd you lose it? Sid
: Sorry? Cassie
: Your ID. I mean, they won't let you use the library, will they?
: God, I've got to go.
[starts clearing her plate, onto another one
: So full. Gotta dash.
[gets up to leave
: I was just chatting to Cass, Tony. Tony Stonem
: Hey Cass. How was dippy world? Sid Jenkins
: She's better. She just got discharged from The Clinic. Tony Stonem
: Jesus. Sid Jenkins
: What? Tony Stonem
: Don't you ever wash? Sid Jenkins
: ...That's like, lipstick! Tony Stonem
: Yeah man. The essence of women. Or one at least. So whose the lucky lady? Sid Jenkins
: That's like someone kissed me! Tony Stonem
: Can't believe you haven't washed man. You stink! Sid Jenkins
: Somebody kissed me! Tony Stonem
: Yeah mate. But that's a complete total operator error, because you stink! Sid Jenkins
: I didn't have time. Tony Stonem
: Time? I've been home, showered, done my chi, had a wank, subtly undermined my dad, put new cloths on and here I am, with my English course work. Sid Jenkins
: English course work... uggh. Tony Stonem
: You know what Sid, sometimes I wonder why you even bother to get up in the morning. You're such a complete total fucking waste of time and...
[Cassie pushes a lunch tray to knock a soda on to Tony's lap
] Tony Stonem
: AWW SHIT! Cassie Ainsworth
: Wow, Tony. Bummer. It looks like you pissed yourself.
: You know what, Tony? Sometimes I don't know why we're friends anymore. Tony Stonem
: It's weird, isn't it? I'm from Mars, you're from Venus. I do things, you worry about them. I sleep with girls, you persuade them to attempt suicide.
: It's not a night light, it's a glow-in-the-dark Batman - it's retro.
: Hang on, you want to nick my dad's car? Why can't we nick your dad's instead? Tony Stonem
: Because Sid, my dad has central locking, sophisticated alarm system, and probably thinks a spell in prison would do me good. Whereas your dad has a 20 year-old car, neighborhood watch, and won't prosecute.
: Does she have to do that? I mean, what kind of a fucked up relationship is it when you have to jump each other every time you say goodbye? Sid
: A good one?
: I think I dumped Cassie. She was with some guy. Mark Jenkins
: They're always with some guy. If they're special, you just have to make sure that that guy is you
: Who's stupid enough to fuck Sid? Michelle
: Cassie. Sid
: She's still in hospital. Michelle
: No, she's not. They let her out. She's just not allowed to handle knives.
: Cassie's great in the sack, as long as she's not hungry. Sid
: Who says? Michelle
: [Trying to diffuse the tension she's noticing
] I love this song! Stanley
: [Softly and unsure
] I love you too. Michelle
: [Pretending to have NOT heard what she obvious did hear
] What? Stanley
: [Realizing that he crossed a line and recanting
] What did you say?
: Nothing bad ever happens to Tony. It's like he's got the cheat codes... to life.
: I'll love you forever, Sid. Sid Jenkins
: You will? Cassie Ainsworth
: Yes. That's the problem.
: I don't know why I am the way I am. Sid Jenkins
: It's all right. Cassie Ainsworth
: No, it's not all right. Something makes me hate everything. Everything! That's what I like about you, Sid. You never try to explain things... Sid Jenkins
: No. I probably would if I could. Cassie Ainsworth
: We're finished. Do you realize that? Sid Jenkins
: "Finished"? Cassie Ainsworth
: Two weeks from Today, we get our results and it's all over. We're grown up. We've made it. Done. Sid Jenkins
: That's good, isen't it? Cassie Ainsworth
: Everything ends badly. Sid Jenkins
: It doesn't have to. Cassie Ainsworth
: No? Sid Jenkins
: I've got you. Cassie Ainsworth
: Don't you wish you could go back to when you hadn't lost anything? Everything's in the future. More shit to happen, that's all. Sid Jenkins
: I love you. I'm here now. That's the best I've got, Cass. Cassie Ainsworth
: [Cassie and Sid kiss passionately
] Let's... never go. I wanna stay here. I don't want to go. I might have to go. Don't.
[They both rip each others clothes off and have sex
: Cassie, I'm shit with words everything always comes out so crap. But I've doing some thinking and everything is getting clearer. The thing is Cass, I've woken up this morning, and the sun's shining through the window and its making me think of you. Cassie it's not right you hiding away in that clinic you've got to get out in the world. Cassie I don't care if you think your odd, because I feel like singing when I see you, and your beautiful, and I've been such a fuckin' chapstick these past few weeks, and all I want to do this morning is sit on top of Brandon hill and hold you and tell you how wonderful you are, and I love you. Sid x
: Tony, you're my best friend. But I really don't know what the fuck you're on about most of the time.
: Dude, I can't believe you're going out with Michelle. Sid Jenkins
: It just kind of happened. Anwar Kharral
: But you're, you know... Sid Jenkins
: What? Anwar Kharral
: Well, you're not exactly... Sid Jenkins
: Not exactly what, exactly? Anwar Kharral
: Not exactly you know. A player, a don, an R Kelly, a baby daddy-
] Sid Jenkins
: Alright. I get it. Anwar Kharral
: A smooth criminal, a President of the USA, a Buddha Buddha Buddha cheese Buddha. Sid Jenkins
: Ok Anwar!
: [as they lay spooning on the couch Sid is endlessly obsessing about Michelle
] Sid... Your stiffy is digging into my back. Sid Jenkins
: [Still distracted
] Oh, sorry. Cassie Ainsworth
: [still hoping
] Sid... You know there *are* other girls. Sid Jenkins