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Quotes for
Peter (Character)
from "The Monkees" (1966)

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"The Monkees: Fairy Tale (#2.16)" (1968)
Peter: Oh fair Princess. I have loved you from afar lo these many moons. May I carry you across the mud?
Mike: [as Princess] You carry me across the mud? Ha Ha. I'm a princess. You're nothing but a lonely little peasant, a wayward serf, the lowest of the low.
Peter: So you've heard of me.
Mike: I will honor your spine with a walk across it. Down peasant.
Peter: My spine thanks you.
Mike: Down
[she steps on back and crosses]
Peter: There's a 50 cent toll at the other end.
Mike: Shut up or I'll have you paved.
Peter: Except for royal traffic, of course.

The Town Crier: Once upon a time in the little village of Avon-On-Calling there were four young men. There was Mike...
Mike the Cobbler: Hi, I'm Mike and I'm the cobbler, ha!
The Town Crier: And Davy...
Davy the Taylor: Hi, I'm Davy and I'm the taylor, aha!
The Town Crier: And Micky...
Micky the Innkeeper: Hi, I'm Micky, and I'm the innkeeper.
The Town Crier: And Peter.
Peter, peasant of Tork: Hi, I'm Peter, and I'm out of work.

Princess Gwen: Well, If you don't get me out of this filthy little village in... ten minutes, I'm not gonna marry you. What do you think of that?
Harold: Oh wow, what a bummer!
Princess Gwen: Open the door, creep!
Peter, peasant of Tork: A Romeo and Juliet, they're not.

Peter, peasant of Tork: [Princess Gwen throws Peter a locket] What's this?
Princess Gwen: It's junk!
Peter, peasant of Tork: I don't deserve it!
Princess Gwen: Yes, I'm hip, but wear it anyway, it looks good on you.

Peter, peasant of Tork: Any more of this, and I'm gonna get another Princess to worship...

Peter, peasant of Tork: And he's gonna murder her in the tower, a remote castle protected by a scary forrest and a moat, moat, and a im-p-enetrable dragon.
Davy the Taylor: A what kind of dragon?
Peter, peasant of Tork: An im-p-enetrable dragon.
Davy the Taylor: So what are you gonna do, Peter?
Peter, peasant of Tork: I'm gonna miss her when she's gone.

Fairy Of The Locket: Who called the Fairy of the Locket?
Peter, peasant of Tork: Locket?
Peter, peasant of Tork: Well, I guess I did.
Fairy Of The Locket: Well, call back later. I was having my hair done. Bye!

Fairy Of The Locket: Eh, you, you shall cut a pair of shoes that can scale high walls.
Mike the Cobbler: A shoes that will sc- that will scale...
Fairy Of The Locket: You, you shall sow me a set of mail that nothing can penetrate
Davy the Taylor: I'll sew a sote, a send you a suit, in the mail, right.
Fairy Of The Locket: Yeah. and you, you shall forge a kitchen knife into a sword that can cut through iron.
Micky the Innkeeper: Richt, forge, yeah right! Heheh.
Peter, peasant of Tork: What about me?
Fairy Of The Locket: You shall collect unemployment while your friends are working.

Peter, peasant of Tork: Why do I have to go into the scary forest and face the dragon and safe the Princess? I don't even like her anymore!
Mike the Cobbler: Don't even like her? Man, that's the grooviest looking chick I ever saw!

Peter, peasant of Tork: Who are you?
Little Red Riding Hood: Oh, ah, I'm Little Red Riding Hood and I'm gonna see my grandmother in the forest.
Peter, peasant of Tork: Oh no, you can't go, the wolf's all ready been to your grandmothers and he's eaten her up and he's waiting to do the same thing to you!
Little Red Riding Hood: Sure kid, and the cow jumped over the moon, heheh.

Dragon of the Moat: Roar! Roar! I'm the dragon of the moat. Roar!
Peter, peasant of Tork: I'm not afraid of you, I have a magic sword!
Dragon of the Moat: Oh, for goodness sake, put that thing away. I've had enough of violence in my life, I'm sick of it!
Peter, peasant of Tork: Oh, well, huh, that's refreshing.

Dragon of the Moat: Listen, I'll just ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll lower the drawbridge.
Peter, peasant of Tork: I'm not very good at riddles.
Dragon of the Moat: Are you better at getting eaten?
[Peter shakes his head]
Dragon of the Moat: Hahaha! What has two ears, two eyes and a very short life?
Peter, peasant of Tork: I don't know.
Dragon of the Moat: That's close enough. Lower the drawbridge!

Peter, peasant of Tork: Micky! Davy! Peter, eh, Mike!

Davy the Taylor: [during the climactic fight] Can you fight too, I'm doing all the fighting here!
The Town Crier: [cut to the Town Cryer] Hooray for Davy!
Micky the Innkeeper: [back to the fight] Peter, Peter, what about the locket?
The Town Crier: [cut to the Town Cryer] Hooray for Micky!
Peter, peasant of Tork: [back to the fight] She made me give it back!
Princess Gwen: You're darn right I took it back, it's my locket!

Peter, peasant of Tork: My swords, stuck, give me the locket!
Princess Gwen: You're gonna fight them with a magic locket? You might as well do a dance to spring. Nosirree bob, baby, the locket stays with me.

Mike: Well, that wraps up another laugh riot and this is...
Micky: Mike Nesmith.
Mike: Micky Dolenz.
Davy: And Peter Tork.
Peter: And Davy Jones.
Princess Gwen: And Micky Dolenz.
Mike: Reminding you to save the Texas Prairie Chicken.

Davy: I played Gretel, very, er, what's the word?
Peter: Gretel, I think is the word for it.
Davy: Very Gretel.
Peter: Very Gretel indeed.

Head (1968)
Peter Tork, Micky Dolenz, Mike, Davy Jones: [chanted in unison] Hey hey we are the Monkees, you know we aim to please. A manufactured image with no philosophies.

Peter: We were talking with the Master regarding the nature of conceptual reality. Psychologically speaking, the human mind, or brain or whatever, is almost incapable of distinguishing between the real and the vividly imagined experience. Sound and film and music and radio. Even these manipulative experiences are received more or less directly and uninterpretive by the mind. They are cataloged and recorded and either acted upon directly, or stored in the memory, or both. Now this process, unless we pay it tremendous attention, begins to separate us from the reality of the now. Am I being clear? For we must allow the reality of the now to just happen, as it happens. Observe and act with clarity. For where there is clarity, there is no choice. And were there is choice, there is misery. But then, why should I speak, since I know nothing?

Peter Tork: Let me tell you one thing son. Nobody ever lends money to a man with a sense of humor.

Peter: MICKY! Micky! Micky! I'm the dummy, Micky. I'm always the dummy.
Micky Dolenz: You're right, Pete. You're always the dummy. I forgot. I'm sorry. Sorry. You're always the dummy, Pete. I'm sorry, sorry...

Davy Jones: [The Monkees are in a trench in a W.W. II movie] I can't see it's too deep!
Mike Nesmith: What you say?
Mike Nesmith: I said I can't see, it's too deep. I need another boost or something.
Micky Dolenz: Here, you can stand on my helmet. It's too heavy, I don't want to wear it, it's a drag, it presses down on my head.
Peter Tork: You really ought to wear your helmet.

Mike: All right, need a volunteer, we're out of ammo.
Peter: I'll go.
Mike: See that you do.

Peter Tork: Everybody's where they wanna be.
Micky Dolenz: That is a particularly inept thing to say, Peter, considering that we are in a vacuum cleaner.

Heraldic Messenger: [Peter opens the door to find a heraldic messenger holding a pretty girl on a chain] Oh, oh, dear, I got a wire for a Monkee.
Peter: Thank you.
Heraldic Messenger: It's a, it was nothing.
Peter: Oh, I wouldn't say that. We all have loved ones, you know.
[the heraldic messenger cackles as he leads the pretty girl away on her chain]

Peter: It's all right, Davy, there's nothing wrong.
Davy: Nothing wrong, huh?
Peter: That's right, I came here to tell you, man, that everything...
Davy: You know what I saw in there?
Peter: Yes.
Davy: An eye, man, an eye, this big, blood red, it was as clear as the nose on your face, it was looking at me.
Peter: Peace, David, I know.

Peter Tork: Hey, Mike, son of a gun, a millionaire at 25.
Mike: Ask me how does it feel.
Peter Tork: What?
Mike: Ask me how does it feel.
Peter Tork: How does it feel?
Mike: I'll tell you how it feels. I don't like it, that's how it feels! I don't like surprises, I don't like all these people jumping around and shouting, wha - I don't even wanna HEAR what you're saying! Because you know what you're saying to me? You're saying "Happy Birthday" and you're jumping out of the walls and it's scaring me to death, and I'm supposed to be HAPPY about that.
Micky Dolenz: Aww, come on, Mike. Be a good sport.
Mike: Well, WHO NEEDS IT? Who needs surprises, and pajamas. You want to throw a birthday party, you don't kidnap me, you send me an invitation. Besides, I probably would have been happier where I was, sleeping. 'Happy birthday'... HAH!
[embarrassed murmer from party guests]
Mike: And I'll tell you something else too: the same thing goes for Christmas.
[shocked gasps from the guests]
Mike: Well, how 'bout THEM apples!

"The Monkees: The Wild Monkees (#2.10)" (1967)
Mike: [having just had a nasty reaction to drinking some water] Where did you get that water?
Peter: From the car, like Mickey said
Mike: Where in the car?
Peter: From the radiator.
Davy: [Micky starts flipping out] Oh Micky, don't wo - Listen, it's a good job he didn't get it from the petrol tank.
Peter: That's what I meant, the petrol tank.

Micky: Where can we eat?
Mike: Yeah, we'd like to eat.
Blauner: Eat? How can you eat when I have no waiter?
Peter: Where's your waiter?
Blauner: Oh, I have a waiter, and I have a bellhop and I have a gardener but they're not working...
Mike: You should go out there to wherever the're at, and as an employer, demand that they go to work.
Blauner: Right.
Blauner: Go to work!
Mike: What do you mean go to work, we're a band.
Blauner: Oh, I hire no bands at this hotel, I hire waiters and I hire gardners and I hire bellhops and if they happen to play a few musical intruments, wonderful, wonderful!

Davy: Who-who-who-who-who what are we gonna do?
Peter: I don't know, your guest is as good as mine!

Peter: A jug of bread, a loaf of wine and thou beside me in the wilderness.
Jan: Oh Peter, you've quoted the most beautiful poetry I've ever heard.
Peter: Does that mean we can go out together tonight?
Jan: No.
Peter: Why not?
Jan: Let's face it, man, you're a sissy.

Peter: I think we're not treating those girls rough enough.
Davy: What makes you say that?
Peter: She called me a sissy.

Micky: Al right, now let's take the pledge.
[picks up script]
Micky: it says here, in the script...
Mike: Handbook.
Micky: Handbook. We pledge to obey the laws of dirt and violence.
Davy: I do that.
Peter: Right.
Mike: I do that.
Micky: To curb our desire for a bath.
Mike, Davy, Peter: Right.
Micky: And to offend all living things.
Mike, Davy, Peter: Right.

Big Butch: Alright, punk. What's the name of your club, punk?
Micky: Eh, we're The Chickens.
Peter: Yeah, yeah.
Mike: Yeah, the Chickens. We used to be called like the Fearfull Four and we also used to be called like The Cowards...
Davy: Yellow Bill... Yellow Bell...
Mike: The Yellow Bellies.

Peter: I move we fight! Our honor has been smirched.
Mike: What?
Peter: Eh, smirred.
Mike: What?
Peter: Bedirtied.
Mike: What?
Peter: Well, they hurt my feelings.

"The Monkees: Captain Crocodile (#1.23)" (1967)
Micky: Man, we are on the road to suc-cess!
Mike: We're almost at the top of the heights!
Davy: We're nearly at the top of the heap!
Peter: It's all downhill from here!

Micky: So this is the world of television.
Peter: That's funny; it doesn't look like a vast wasteland.

Mike: [parodying The Huntley-Brinkley Report] Good evening, this is Chett Hinkley.
Micky: And David Brentley.
Peter: And Brett Chinkley.
Davy: And Chuck Hankley.
Mike: And this is Dave Barkley.
Micky: And Chuck Weekley.
Micky: And Charler Walltight.
Davy: And Hank Chuckley.
Mike: And this is John Smith.
Micky: And... John Smith?

Mike: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Mike Nesmith. And on my left is the delightful and charming personality, David Jones
Davy: Thank you, Mike.
Mike: No sweat.
Peter: And on my left, is the charming and delightful Peter Tork.
Peter: Thank you, David. And on my charming and delightful, is the left moderator, Micky Dolenz.
Micky: Thank you, my charming panel.

Mike: [reading hate-mail from viewers] Arrogant ego-maniacs?
Micky: Long haired weirdoes?
Davy: Loathsome teenagers?
Peter: Delightful and well bred.
Junior Pinter: Who wrote that?
Peter: My mother.

Davy: [Davy and Peter are disguised as small children] I like Monkees, and if you take them off the air, I'm going to hold my breath til my face turns blue!
Junior Pinter: So will I!
J.J. Pontoon: Junior!
Peter: If The Monkees goes off the air, I'll never eat my vegetables again!

Micky: [pretending to read a story from a dictionary] Once upon a time in the land of Kirshner, there was a, a handsome prince in love with a frog and three little pigs. And he didn't know how he would get through the forest, 'cause the wicked grandmother had given him a poisoned apple. So, he was walking through the forest, and eh, with goodies, in a, in a basket, and eh...
Mike: [Mike takes over the dictionary] And he came, he came across the wicked stepladder. Who eh, who was, eh, pretty, eh, tall, because of all the prongs, and she said, eh, you rang? And he said: sure the runs... because he had this basket of goodies and oooh.
Davy: [hands the dictionary to Davy] He had the basket of goodies and, eh started walking towards the little Snow White's little house where the, where the six, eh, midgets lived...
Micky: Seven!
Davy: With the four frogs. Seven midgets with the four frogs and the toadstools were beginning to, to look bad, because eh, Columbus was eh...
Peter: [Peter takes over the dictionary] Eh, eh, eh. Commando: Allied troop in unit in who-who-two.

"The Monkees: Monkees in a Ghost Town (#1.7)" (1966)
Peter: First we get lost and run outta gas, and then Mike and Davy disappear, and then somebody starts shooting off a machine gun, and now this guy is searching the town.
Micky: [to the camera] That's for the benefit of any of you who have tuned in late. Now, back to our story.

Peter: [as Spider] Nobody touches the Big Man's trigger finger!

Peter: [as Spider] You can't step on the Spider!
Lenny: Why not?
Peter: It'll rain.

Peter: Hey, we shouldn't be here behind the bar, we're too young.

Peter: Hey, doesn't that gun ever run out of bullets?
Davy: It can't, were the good guys!

Peter: Doesn't that gun ever run out of bullets?
Davy: Hey, it can't, we're the good guys!
[guns runs out of bullets]
Davy: I guess we're not so good after all...

Davy, Micky, Mike, Peter: [all together] Well, that's show business!

"The Monkees: Art for Monkees' Sake (#2.5)" (1967)
[Davy accidentally knocks over a statue in a museum]
Mike: That thing was over a thousand years old!
Peter: Oh, well, thank goodness it wasn't new.

Duce: Did you draw this picture?
Peter: Yes I did.
Duce: You're a very talented boy.
Peter: Thank you. I play bass, too.
Duce: An artist and a musician!
Chuche: We should kill 'em both!

Duce: [Peter has painted a copy of The Laughing Cavalier, but has included Mike's wool hat] What's with the hat? The hat's not needed.
Peter: It's Mike's hat. It's knitted.
Duce: I know it's knitted, but it's not needed.
Peter: How did you know it was knitted?
Duce: I can tell it's knitted, but it's not needed.
Peter: Oh, for a minute I thought you knew Mike.

Duce: Peter, what's the most important thing for an artist?
Peter: Paint.
Chuche: He's got a point.
Peter: Paint.
Duce: Shut up!
Duce: The most important thing for an artist is to suffer.
Chuche: [Chuche starts to tie up Peter in his chair] Hey, I'm suffering already.

Mike: Okay men, Mission: Ridiculous.
Mike: [narrating] Gathering our team of experts from the four corners of the earth, we'll be a taskforce of deadliness, efficiency and teamwork.
Mike: [Davy is seen climbing onto a rooftop] The Manchester Marauder.
Davy: [a duffelbag is thrown onto his head] Gee, thanks, Peter, I really needed that.
Peter: [of screen] That's ok, Davy, any time.
[Davy bumps into a pole, then grabs an antenna and gets a shock of electricity]
Mike: [resuming his narration] The Conneticut Counterspy combines nerves of steel, cool-eyed perseption and some fancy footwork.
Davy: [Peter knocks over a potted plant as he climbs on the roof] Peter, watch the pla- oh, it's not real anyway.
[Davy throws the fake plant over the railing]
Micky: [off screen] Ouch!
Mike: [still narrating] Their ability to make quick, irriversible decisions show why they were picked for this group.
[Peter bumps into the pole]
Mike: [Mike climbs up on the roof as his narration continues] The modest but towering Texan needs no introduction. His stoiclike ability to endure pain...
Mike: [Mike bumps into the pole] ... prove why he is a leader among men.
[Mike grabs the electricity pole but does not feel a thing]
Mike: Last, but not least, is the Los Angeles Leopard, known in Peoria as The Panther Man.
[Micky climbs onto the rooftop carrying the painting]
Mike: And somewhat hampered by a low resistance to the night air.
[Micky sneezes as the other three team members run up to him and shush]
Mike: He is the only weak link in our chain.

Peter: [masculin voice] He's in for a lot of trouble!
Micky: [also puttin on a manly voice] Why, cause we're switching the paintings?
Peter: No, because I put hot mustard on those sandwiches.
Peter, Micky: Ha. Ha.

"The Monkees: Case of the Missing Monkee (#1.17)" (1967)
Peter: Why am I always the one to play dumb? Why can't I play smart once in a while?

Peter: A funny thing happened to me on the way to the bandstand...

Bruno: What about him?
Peter: Yeah, what about me?
Bruno: Shut up!
Peter: You can't do that to me... I need love and understanding. My mother rejected me, my sister resented me. I've lost all my confidence. And now... this operation...
Dr. Markovich: What is that?
Peter: Ben Casey, act one.

Dr. Markovich: [Pointing a gun at Peter] What are you doing with that?
Bruno: He knows to much.
Peter: Thank you!

Dr. Markovich: This instrument, Mr. Tork, will cause temporary amnesia. We will erase your memory but by the time your memory will return, we will be safely out of this country with Professor Schnitzler.
Peter: How long before I get my memory back?
Dr. Markovich: A normal brain should be out of commission for... three days.
[Peter breathes a sigh of relief]
Dr. Markovich: But in your case, we are safe to say until early spring.

Davy: We were just trying to help you, you know.
Peter: That's alright, Micky.
Davy: ...Micky! He knows me! He knows me!... No... I'm Davy...

"The Monkees: The Monkee's Paw (#2.19)" (1968)
Manager: Are you still here? I told you to get out. I don't want any bums hanging around here.
Peter: He's not a bum.
Mendrek: No, I'm not a bum!
Manager: You got a job?
Davy: You just fired him!
Manager: Alright, so he's a vagrant too, now come on, get it outta here.

Manager: What, are you crazy? Nobody sings with their feet!
Mike: What do you mean, nobody sings - of course they sing with their feet, I mean, eh, didn't you ever hear of the movie, eh, 'Young man with a corn'?
Peter: Yeah, and how about 'Flat Foot Floojy With A Floy-Floy'?
Mike: Anybody can sing, it's not everybody can play their feet. No sirree bob.

Davy: Now look, we got no voice, no job and no rent.
Peter: Yeah, and the good times can't last forever.

Peter: He can't say anything but 'crayon'.

Mike: You know what, I think it's a mental problem.
Peter: You can say that again!
Mike: Now, and where do you go when you have a mental problem?
Peter: Well, you go to eh, you know, to the mental problem analyst.

Psychiatrist: Well, we give you a little test. Ja, a test
[picks up a colorful Rorschach picture]
Psychiatrist: What does that appear to seem to be to you?
[Micky starts to reply but no sounds come from his mouth]
Mike: That looks exactly like a bunch of flowers to me.
Psychiatrist: I am talking to him.
Mike: I'm, I'm sorry.
Psychiatrist: Hmm. You're such a silly. This is obviously a bunny... and a chicken. Ja? Now.
Peter: It looks like a tomato ketchup stain to me.
Psychiatrist: Since you two came together, this is a bunny and a chicken. Hmm? Now!
Davy: It looks like a bunch of birds dancing to me, you know.
Psychiatrist: You three should form a group. It is a bunny... and a chicken!
Mike: Well wait a minute, there's no need to get hostile about it.
Psychiatrist: Don't you give me that hostile stuff, or I'll hit you! It's a bunny and a chicken!
Mike: I'm sorry, man, that's just a bunch of flowers.
Davy: It looks like a bunch of girls dancing.
Psychiatrist: A bunny and a chicken!
Mike: A bunch of flowers.
Psychiatrist: A bunny and a chicken!
Peter: A tomato ketchup stain.
Psychiatrist: A bunny and a chicken!
Davy: A bunch of birds dancing.
Psychiatrist: A bunny and a chicken!

"The Monkees: Monkees Manhattan Style (#1.30)" (1967)
Peter: How's my heartbeat?
Micky: Fine, but the melody don't make it.

Interviewer: You've reached a certain amount of success, if that was suddenly like taken away, wiped out, where would you be today?
Peter: I'd go back to the Village and be a folk singer.
Interviewer: How 'bout you, Davy?
Davy: I'd go back to the Village and watch him be a folk singer.
Interviewer: Mike?
Mike: I'd probably go burn the Village.

Davy: Hey, it's Mr. Baker, back from his backer.
Weatherwax: Have you got a baker, Backer? Have you got a backer, Baker?
Peter: Baker Backer?

Butler: Yes sir?
Davy: Hello, my name is David Armstrong Jones. My family dates back nearly four hundred years, to the earliest rich people.
Butler: But this club is for special manners.
Davy: This is H.L. Nesmith, he owns small spread in Southern Texas. Eh, what's the name of the ranch again, Mr. Nesmith?
Mike: Eh, Houston.
Davy: This the Sheik Farouk Dolenza.
Mike: I would like to build a new wing to your building.
Butler: Oh, I'm sorry, but we cannot except a gift.
Micky: This is not a gift, it's charity.
Davy: Eh, this is Pete, Peter DeWit, a rich man's son. Tell him what your father does.
Peter: He's in garbage disposal.

Interviewer: You've reached a certain amount of success. If that were something, like taken away, wiped out, where would you be today?
Peter: I'd go back to the village and be a folk singer.
Interviewer: How about you, Davy?
Davy: I'd go back to the village and watch him be a folk singer.
Interviewer: Mike?
Mike: I'd probably go burn the village.
Micky: I'd probably be dating my science teacher.

Interviewer: Hey Peter, is there something that you really want, uh, something that you'd really flip out over?
Peter: Yes.
Interviewer: What?
Peter: Texas.
Interviewer: Davy?
Davy: Ursula Andress!

"The Monkees: The Card Carrying Red Shoes (#2.9)" (1967)
Peter: Don't worry, Natasha; I won't let them take you away. I'll fight to the death to protect you!
Davy: But Peter, she's a big star! This could lead to an international incident... maybe war! The whole world could be destroyed!
Peter: Don't worry. If the whole world is destroyed, I'll take the responsibility.
Micky: With a little more ego, he can be President!

Nicolai: Prepare yourself, rehearsal band, Natasha Pavlova will soon be ready to dance.
Micky: [indeterminable accent] Mickolovitch Dolenzovitch will soon be ready to play!
Nicolai: How soon will Dolenzovitch be ready to play?
Micky: As soon as Dolenzovitch finds out which end to put in his mouth.
Peter: Micky...
Davy: Micky, it's a string intrument.
Micky: [American accent] Right, man.

Davy: Er, now let's understand this, you mean you're gonna shoot us and keep him because of his face?
[Natasha nods]
Davy: [indicating his own face] Well what do you think this is, chop liver?
Davy: [Indicating Micky's face also] Here, these two, here.
Peter: Well, it can't be you every week, Davy.

Natasha: But what's the matter, Face, don't you love me?
Peter: Well, I love you, and my face loves you, it's just my body that's out of shape.

Ivan The Terrible: [at the front door] Let me in, Monkee, I've come to kill you.
Peter: [inside] Oh, thank goodness!

Ivan The Terrible: [stroking Peter's hair] Nice American traitor, what do you know about microfilm, huh?
Peter: Nothing, nothing. I don't even go to the movies.

"The Monkees: The Devil and Peter Tork (#2.20)" (1968)
[the Monkees get a visual idea of Hell via a video romp to their song "Salesman" and are noticably shaken when they snap back to their house]
Mike: So that's, uh, that's what...
[Mike mutters the term Hell, but his voice is replaced by a cuckoo sound effect]
Mike: all about.
Davy: Yeah.
Davy: pretty scary.
Micky: You know what's even more scary?
Peter: What?
Micky: [looking straight at the camera] You can't say...
[We hear the cuckoo sound effect but can clearly read Micky's lips as he says Hell]
Micky: ...on television.

Peter: I've always loved the harp.
Mr. Zero: I'm sure that when you say 'love' you mean 'need' or 'desire'. Nobody loves things anymore.

Davy: I thought you were going to get rid of that thing.
Micky: No, wait, he's really into it.
Davy: But it takes up too much room.
Micky: Show him, Pete.
[Peter plays the harp, surprising Davy with his dexterity]
Davy: [somewhat sheepishly] Uh, like I said, it's nice to have a harp around the house.
Peter: Hey, do you think we can work it into the act?
Micky: [dressed as a newsboy] Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Rock and roll group gains fame and fortune by introducing harp into act!

Mr. Zero: Are you ready, Peter?
Micky: Eh, no, no, he's not ready. You see, eh, well, he left his suit in the cleaners!
Davy: And not only that...
Micky: He's not ready to go!
Davy: ...he, he's got to write a letter to his mother, haven't ye?
Peter: I have a million things to do, couldn't it be tomorrow?
Mike: Oh! I remember reading in the paper. why, that due to a lack of interest, tomorrow was canceled so we'll have to make it the day after tomorrow.

Mr. Zero: I gave him the ability to play the harp... in return for a soul.
Peter: You know, it was almost worth it.
Mike: No, you didn't give him the ability to play the harp. You see... you see, Peter loved the harp. And he loved, he loved the music that came from the harp. And that was inside of him. And, eh, it came, uhm, it was... the power of that love was inside of Peter, eh, it was inside of him from the first. And it was that kind of power, that made Peter able to play the harp. And, eh, you didn't have anything to do with it at all.

"The Monkees: The Prince and the Paupers (#1.21)" (1967)
Mike: Come on, Davy, you know you're mister Charm when it comes to girls.
Micky: Oh really, girls find him very sweet.
Peter: He makes their teeth decay.

Prince Ludlow of Peruvia: I-I'm very, very hungry. Is, is there anything to eat in there?
Peter: Well, there's some, ah, Limburger cheese and a can of sardines and some liverwurst that's been here for two weeks. What'll I open first?
Prince Ludlow of Peruvia: How about the window?

Peter: Does he have an identification?
Micky: Yeah, his birthmark.
Peter: Does it have his adress on it?

Micky: Hey, that Ludlow is doing alright. You know I can tell who's gonna wear the pants in that family.
Peter: With a figure like Wendy's I hope it's gonna be her.

Micky: Hey look at this, it says she's ah, going to ah, the University of Peruvia to work on her doctor's thesis.
Peter: Why can't her doctor work on his own thesis?

"The Monkees: Monkees at the Circus (#1.22)" (1967)
Peter: Well, why don't we just snick inside and take a look?
Mike: Snick? It's not "snick", it's sneak! I sneak, and you sneak, and we sneak...
Peter: Oh, good, then we can all get in!

Susan: I can't thank you enough for what you did.
Davy: Oh it was nothing.
Peter: No more than any poor, lovesick fool would have done.

Micky: [indeterminable accent] We have come to save the circus from distress.
Victor: Who are these people?
Davy: Who are we? Would you ask 'who are these people' of the Budapest String Quartet?
Victor: I still say: Who are you?
Peter: We are the Budapest String Quartet.

Victor: You've come all the way from France?
Davy: It was on the way.
Peter: We were headed for Belgium.

Strong Man: That's amazing.
Peter: No, no, I'm Fantastic.
Peter: That's Amazing.

"The Monkees: Monkees Get Out More Dirt (#1.29)" (1967)
Peter: Hey! Wait, wait! How do I get in if the door's locked?
Micky: Peter, you can't expect the writers to know everything! Improvise!

April Conquest: Do you like chamber music?
Peter: Do fish swim?

Mike: You know, It's stupid, four guys moonin' over the same girl.
Peter: She's lovely.
Davy: Delightful.
Micky: With a richer, longer, everlasting charm.

Dr. Lorene Sisters: [on TV] Our next letter is from 'Tormented'.
Peter: Hey, that's me, Tormented!
Peter: [the other Monkees join Peter around the TV set] Get out of my area!
Mike: Oh, shut up.
Dr. Lorene Sisters: [on TV] It reads: Dear Doctor Sisters, my three friends and I are all in love with the same girl. These friends are very dear to me, and I wouldn't want to lose them for the world.
[Micky, Mike and Davy cheer for Peter]
Dr. Lorene Sisters: So my question is, what can I do to cut them out?
[Mickey, Mike and Davy boo Peter]
Dr. Lorene Sisters: Tormented, you say in the rest of your heartbreaking and ungramatical letter that you boys have made this girl fond of each of you, by taking on interests she likes.
Davy: That's right, what of it?
Dr. Lorene Sisters: I'll tell you what of it. You've placed this girl in a dangerously emotional state. She is now drawn to four different boys. And this unresolved conflict could lead to a nervous collapse.
Micky: You gotta be kidding!
Dr. Lorene Sisters: Do I look like a kidder?

Peter: Hey wait, wait. How do I get in if the door is locked?
Micky: Peter, you can't expect the writers to know everything, improvise!

"The Monkees: Hillbilly Honeymoon (#2.7)" (1967)
Peter: All right, let's try it again. Now, what are the four qualities that a lady respects most in a gentleman?
Jud Weskitt: Kindness... consideration... affection... and a punch in the mouth!
Peter: Well, that's three out of four.

Paw Chubber: I'll kill the first Weskitt that crosses that line!
Jud Weskitt: Oh, I'll shoot the first Chubber that crosses!
Peter: Oh, well, we're neither Weskitt nor Chubber.
Davy: No!
Peter: I guess that lets us off the hook.
Paw Chubber: We both hate strangers!
[both families cock their guns and aim at the Monkees]
Peter: I geuss that, er, puts us back on the hook.

Ella Mae Chubber: I love ya, Micky!
Peter: I'm Peter.
Ella Mae Chubber: I love ya, Peter!
[kisses him passionately]
Peter: Well, I tried.

Maw Weskitt: Well who's gonna make a gentleman outta my boy in one hour?
Micky: Only one man in the world can do that, Maw, couse he's had eight marriages himself. Raybert presents: comin' straight from the mountains: Uncle Raccoon!
Peter: [Peter enters dressed like Davy Crocket, speaking with a German accent] Someone here have trouble with ze marriage?
Mike: That's the wrong accent!

Peter: Are you with the bride or the groom?
Micky: It all depends who's left.

"The Monkees: Monkees in Texas (#2.13)" (1967)
[Wielding their weapons]
Micky: Winchester '73!
Davy: Colt .45!
Mike: Smith and Wesson .38!
Peter: [wielding champagne bottle] Vintage '66!
Mike: How in the world will you be able to do anything with "Vintage '66"?
Peter: You're right. I wish I had Vintage '55.

Davy: [during a shoot-out, Peter uses his finger instead of a gun] What is this bang, bang, bang stuff?
Peter: Well, I hate violence. Besides, I have more shells than you do.

Black Bart: Have ya had enough, Nesters?
Mike: The name is Nesmith and if you're gonna scream it out here in the middle of a war, get it right. That's Nesmith!
Peter: I thought Mike's name was Nester?
Mike: N.A.P.K.Y.O.R.J.P.
Aunt Kate Nesmith: No, no 'nester' means farmer. He's right, he means nesters.
Mike: Oh? Oh, hey, I'm sorry, er, I didn't realize, you know, and it seems you were right in the first place, so go ahead with your speech.

Marshall: Hold it right there, masked man!
Micky: Hey, don't you recognize the famous mask and the famous Indian companion Pronto and the famous silver bullets?
Marshall: Hey, wait a minute, I think I do!
Micky: Sure!
Marshall: [grabs a piece of paper] Oh, here we are: The Lone Stranger.
Micky: Right!
Peter: Right!
Marshall: Wanted for murder! You're under arrest!
Micky: Huh? I think we're in a lot of trouble, Pronto.
Peter: What do you mean, 'we', white man?

Marshall: Oh, I can't come this afternoon, I'm busy shooting.
Micky: Oh, outlaws?
Marshall: My TV series.
Micky: Oh, how about this evening?
Marshall: No, eh, Emmy dinner, tonight, I'm up for an award!
Peter: Oh, congratulations.
Marshall: That's enough outta you, Injun!

"The Monkees: Hitting the High Seas (#2.12)" (1967)
The Captain: Who are these fools?
Micky: The eh, new shipmates, sir.
The Captain: Where did you get that long hair?
Micky: Well, there's this little store on Sunset Strip...
The Captain: Cut it off!
Micky: No!
Davy: No!
Peter: No.
Micky: We can't cut it, we'd loose our strenght!

Davy: Hey, they're both crackers!
Peter: What do you mean, crackers?
Davy: Crazy, they're both crazy.
Peter: Who, who's crazy?
Davy: The captain.
Peter: Ah, come on!
Davy: Honestly, he was asking advice from his parrot
Micky: Was the parrot charging him?
Davy: No, no.
Micky: Then the parrot's crackers, crazy.

The Captain: Pull up the Jolly Roger!
Peter: [terrified] The Rolly Joger!

The Captain: This man's leading a mutiny abourd my boat. And I wanna know who's helping him.
Davy: Eh, would you be easier on him if you find the others?
The Captain: No. He'll die just the same.
Davy: We told you not to try it!
Peter: We said singlehanded mutinies never works, stranger!
The Captain: Stranger? I thought you came abourd with him?
Davy: Him? Nah! We've never seen him before, we woudn't hang around with long haired weirdoes like that, would we?
Peter: Dirty commie!

The Captain: Men, you've been found guilty of insubordination to a commanding officer, inspiring mutiny and what is even worse: impersonating a parrot! Now, have you got anything to say before we execute sentence on you?
Peter: Yes, I do, I'm innocent. I never impersonated a parrot in my life. I can't even do a good cow. Moo.

"The Monkees: Monkees à la Carte (#1.11)" (1966)
Peter: Hey, are those guys hoods?
Micky: They're not social workers

Mike: We have a motion to deal with Mr. Fuselli. Can I have suggestions from the floor?
Peter: [Peter pulls his ear off the floor] The floor has nothing to say.
Micky: You can try the wall.
Peter: [With his ear to the wall] The wall says... try the ceiling.

Micky: We gotta contact the inspector.
Davy: Sure, but how? Fuselli won't let us out in the middle of the meeting.
Mike: Yeah, and Rocco's guarding the front door.
Peter: And the food will get cold.

Fuselli: For reasons of self protection, none of us has ever met before, so eh, introduce yourself
Red O'Leary: Red O'Leary, Bankrobbery and protection
Big Flora: Big Flora, fraud and extortion
Paddy The Fix: Paddy the Fix, drugs and, ehm, diamond smuggler.
Benny The Book: I'm a b-b-b-b-Benny the Book and b-b-b-book making and numbers
Peter: Peter Tork, guitar and base trombone.

"The Monkees: Monkees in the Ring (#1.20)" (1967)
Davy: Don't you want me to be rich and famous?
Peter: I'd rather have you alive and well.
Mike: Yeah, Besides, you don't know anything about boxing!
Peter: Yeah.
Davy: That's not so! I used to be quite a scrapper at school, y'know. There was this one big bully, always used to be pickin' on me, so one day I went wham-o! with a right and wham-o! with a left!
Mike: And what then, what happened?
Davy: She never bothered me again.

The Champ: Tell me true and don't make no bones, how was your fight with Davy Jones?
Mike: [Peter throws Mike a puzzled look] Don't worry, he always talks that way, just...
Peter: It was a split decision. He split my eye, he split my nose and he split my lip.

Fight Announcer: [Live on TV] They've shaken hands, and the fighters have now both been told that in the event of a knockdown, each man must go to a neutral corner.
Micky: Man, I wish he'd go to the corner of Crescent Heights and Sunset.
Peter: He'd be safe.

Peter: Oh, look at that carnage, what brutality.
Micky: You what, are you watching the fight?
Peter: No, the news.

"The Monkees: Success Story (#1.6)" (1966)
Davy: Peter, as my devoted houseboy, what will be your main function?
Peter: I am born to serve my master and live only to perform his bidding!
Davy: Right. Now get me my comb.
Peter: Get it yourself!

Peter: Why am I the dummy? The dummy should be the dummy.
Davy: They're his cards, don't antagonize him.
Micky: What do you have to say about that, Mr. Schneider?
[pulls the dummy's string]
Mr. Schneider: It's a shame to waste youth on children.

Peter: We could only afford one serving, yours is rubber.
Davy: But I'll starve! Is the fruit rubber?
Peter: No.
[Davy bites an apple]
Peter: It's plastic.

Interviewer: Waitaminit, fellas, there's a good chance this show will be shown in England.
Davy: Yeah?
Interviewer: Yeah.
Davy: When, what, Since when?
Interviewer: I don't know when it will be shown there, but it, you know, eh
Peter: 1973!

"The Monkees: Monkee See, Monkee Die (#1.2)" (1966)
Mike: The wires have been cut.
Peter: They've been tied in a bow.
Micky: We'll at least we know that the murderer's very neat.

Mike: Now lets see, all we got to do is strap a message to it's leg and we- erm, there's already a message here, strapped to it's leg.
Peter: What's it say?
Mike: Please don't strap a message to my leg, I am not a carrier pigeon.

Micky: The lights, the lights, where'd they go?
Peter: Someone turned on the dark.

[the lights go out]
Peter: Hey! Who turned on the dark?

"The Monkees: Find the Monkees (#1.19)" (1967)
Peter: Boy, it's not fair. We're as bad as any other group in town.

Peter: I'm sorry about this, but I always get the hickups when I perform for a big producer.
Mike: What are you talking about, this is the first time you ever performed in front of a big producer.
Mike: Well, it's a hundred per cent so far.

Irene Chomsky: [Skeptically] You say you know Mr. Benson?
Peter: Know him? Why, he cured my hickups!

Hubbell Benson: [shouting to be heard over the music] Say you're the Monkees!
Davy: Oh, we're the Monkees.
Irene Chomsky: Ah! Eureka!
Peter: No, we're Americans.

"The Monkees: I Was a 99-Pound Weakling (#2.6)" (1967)
Peter: I wish Mike were here.

Bulk: Listen, doctor, I'm as strong as an ox!
Peter: [disguised as a doctor] Oh, well, that's all right, this disease will sap your strength. In ten minutes, you'll be as weak as a spineless jellyfish. If there's anyone you want to beat up, I suggest you do it straight off. That'll be ten dollars.

Peter: [on the phone] And I'm awfully worried about him, Mr. Shah-Ku, he's falling down from hunger.
Shah-Ku: You have a very deep voice for a mother, Mrs. Dolenz.
Peter: I'm not Mrs. Dolenz.
Shah-Ku: Oh, Micky came from a broken home.

Peter: [as the rigged blimp carrying the muscle man floats away] Well, there he goes.
Davy: Yeah, where's that uh der-uh... der-uh blimp headed for?
Peter: [almost comically] Bayonne, New Jersey.
Davy: Bayon-Bayonne, New Jer-? You know, I used to have a girlfriend in Bayonne, New Jersey.
Peter: Anything like the Secaucus girls?
Davy: [nonchalantly] No, I don't know, her name was MaryAnn.

"The Monkees: Your Friendly Neighborhood Kidnappers (#1.4)" (1966)
Nick Trump: Hey, what are you doing, fixing a drink?
Peter: No, I'm just washing my socks.

Peter: If there's one thing I can't stand it's late kidnappers.

Contest Manager: Thank you, Monkees. And in a moment, the results of the contest.
Peter: What he means to say is: We'll be right back after the commercial.

Peter: The universe is permeated with the odor of turpentine.

"The Monkees: Monkees Blow Their Minds (#2.25)" (1968)
The Great Oracullo: Look into my eyes. Deeply, deeply, ever so deeply, yes... deeply, deeply, what do you see?
Peter: Dishonesty, cowardice and a lack of scruples.
The Great Oracullo: Too deep. Try again.

The Great Oracullo: Oh Mr. Tork, why don't you join me in a cup of tea?
Peter: Would you think we we'll both fit?

The Great Oracullo: And now, Mr. Tork, you will do everything exactly as I have told you to do. First...
Peter: [in a trance] First I will kill Oracullo.
The Great Oracullo: [shocked] Who told you to do that?
Peter: He who secretly hates Oracullo and hasn't the guts to tell him.
Rudy Bayshore: For a psychic slave you got a big mouth!

The Great Oracullo: [Peter has broken free from his chains on the wall by Oraculo's command]
[disembodied voice]
The Great Oracullo: You fool, that's not the way to the door!
Peter: Well, what do you expect form a psychic slave?

"The Monkees: The Chaperone (#1.9)" (1966)
Micky: Did the ah, pole TV thing work?
Davy: She's devine, lovely, beautiful, devoon, marvelous.
Peter: Come on, Davy, quit fooling around. What TV show was she watching?
Micky: Ours, I hope.

Davy: The dance in France is mainly in the stance.
Mrs. Weefers: Aw, Davy, I dunno how to behave at them fancy parties...
Davy: I tell you Peter, give me six months, and I could pass her off as a Duchess at an embassy ball.
Peter: How about the party tonight?
Davy: Well, that'll be a little 'arder.

Peter: Why so glum? This is a party.
Party Guest who's swept off her feet: Look, these are children. I want a real man, someone who will sweep me off my feet.
Peter: [Tarzan swings in on a vine and sweeps her off her feet] He gets more girls that way.

Mrs. Weefers: Huntington Hartford hates pickled herrings.
Peter: I think she's got it!
Davy: By George, she's got it!

"The Monkees: One Man Shy (#1.13)" (1966)
Ronnie Farnsworth: I beg your pardon, a gentlemen does not stare at a lady.
Peter: A begger can look at a queen.

Peter: [about playing spin the bottle] It always points to Davy.

Peter: Well, when I was very young I used to be embarassed about kissing but now I can talk very openly about
[looks both ways in case anyone overhears]
Peter: s.e.x.

Micky: Remember, talk music, books and politics.
[Leaves Peter and Valerie alone]
Peter: I read an interesting music about books and politics today... it was very interesting.

"The Monkees: Monkee vs. Machine (#1.3)" (1966)
Micky: A Toy Factory, needs unskilled help, in non essential job requiring no experience and no training.
Mike: Hey Peter, you don't have any training, and you sure don't have any experience. You're the only one qualified.
Micky: Probably the only one in the city with those qualifications. At least the only one that can read the ad.
Peter: Just think, they put an ad in the paper to reach me.
Mike: That's right.
Peter: Why didn't they phone?

Mike: All you gotta do is stay very cool. And remember these three little words: Don't argue.
Peter: That's two words.
Mike: You're starting already.

DJ-69: Take a seat please. To preclude the variable factor inherent in the human equation, we have instituted this new electronic personnel procedure requiring... Your name, please.
Peter: What?
DJ-69: Thank you. Last name: What. And your first name, Mr. What?
Peter: N - It's not 'What'.
DJ-69: Notwhat. Mr. Notwhat What.
Peter: Wait a minute, that's not my name at all. My name is...
DJ-69: [interrupting] Occupation?
Peter: ...Peter, ya dig? Pete.
DJ-69: You dig peat. Occupation: Peat Digger. And your mother's maiden name?
Peter: Thompson.
DJ-69: Mother's name: Thompson. Sex, please?
Peter: Female, of course.
DJ-69: All right, Mrs. Notwhat.
Peter: No, my *mother* is female.
DJ-69: What do you do in your spare time, Mrs. Notwhat?
Peter: Listen, I'm a man!
DJ-69: In your spare time, you are a man.

Peter: Oh no, no, that's not it at all. You've - First of all, you've got my name wrong.
DJ-69: Correction: Name misspelled. Please give correct letter.
Peter: Well, I...
DJ-69: [interrupting] Correct letter is 'I'. Name is not Notwhat, but Nitwit.
Peter: Oh, brother...
DJ-69: Brother is also a Nitwit.
Peter: Now, just a minute!
DJ-69: That will do, Nitwit. Test complete. Interview ended. Application rejected.
[a dismissive bell sounds]
Peter: Give me a chance.
Secretary: [door to interview chamber opens] I'm sorry, you're rejected.
Peter: Why do I have to talk to a machine? Why couldn't I talk to a human being?
DJ-69: Because, Nitwit, a machine avoids the human error, the human error, the human errroorrrrr...
[machine runs down]

"The Monkees: Monkees Marooned (#2.8)" (1967)
Leonard Sheldon: Hey kid, come here. Wanna see some real good pictures?
Peter: Oh! Hey, yeah, I'd love to. I haven't seen a real good picture since Carnival in Costa Rica with Dick Haymes and Vera-Ellen.

Leonard Sheldon: Leonard Sheldon is the name and big business is my game.
Peter: Parchisi is my game.

Peter: Would you repeat that?
Kimba Of The Jungle: Kretch!
Peter: He says that he's the original Kimba of the Jungle and that when the movie company ran out of money here on location in 1916 they left him here behind to rot.
Davy: What happened to the chick who played his wife?
Peter: She ran off with a casting director who promised her a big career.
Micky: What about the little kid that played er, the kid?
Peter: He's alive and well in Argentina.
Micky: You mean you got all that from... all he said was 'kretch'.
Peter: Well, it's not the word, it's the way he said it.

Mike: [walking by while the boys work on the outdoor backlot of Columbia Pictures] Buried treasure, that's sort of out of hand, Pete.
Davy: [walking by] Next thing you know, you'll be buying San Diego.
Peter: I turned San Diego down!
Micky: [walking by] Treasure map. That's one of the dumbest things you've ever done, Pete.
Peter: That's not fair, Micky.
Davy: Nah, that's not true, Micky. He's done dumber things than that. I know.
Peter: Thanks, man.

"The Monkees: Monstrous Monkee Mash (#2.18)" (1968)
Peter: I know I've seen that face before. I know I've seen that face be... I have faced that scene before.

Toy Bat: I want to drink you're blood!
Peter: That's not at all nice to say.
Toy Bat: I want to sip your blood?
Peter: Much better.

Peter: What a time to be caught without a turtleneck.

"The Monkees: Monkees at the Movies (#1.31)" (1967)
Philo: I want you to meet Luthor Kramm. Mr. Kramm gave you "Beach Party Honeymoon".
Peter: You didn't give it to us! We had to PAY for it!
Mike: Yeah! It cost us eighty cents at the drive-in!
Kramm: Well it was worth it, wasn't it?
Mike: Um... you owe us sixty cents.

Peter: Well, what do you want? I've offered you my Lovin' Spoonfull collection, my Bobby Dillon records, my Blind Lemmon Jefferson records and this prize of my collection: Bobby Darrin sings his bankbook.
Mike: Throw in the Stones.
Peter: Okay.
[Mike hands over his David Jones LP]

Micky: [posing as newspaper men] Dolenz, reporter.
Mike: Nesmith, Variety.
Peter: I'm Tork, hanger-on.

"The Monkees: A Coffin Too Frequent (#2.11)" (1967)
Davy: Hey, I didn't know you could read.
Peter: I have been able to read since I was fifteen years old.

Peter: Gee, are you sure it's right to force all this tea on me?
Mrs. Weatherspoon: Whenever you have a cold you must always force fluids.
Peter: Gee, I had a cousin who had a terrible cold, and they forced about twelve gallons of the stuff on him.
Mrs. Weatherspoon: Ooh, and what happened?
Peter: Well, the cold got better, but he drowned.

Peter: I never thought I could get sick from good health.

"The Monkees: The Monkees in Paris (#2.22)" (1968)
Peter: Listen, guys, guys, listen.
[starts reading a threatening letter]
Peter: We know who you are, so don't try to deny it. We also know where you live, or else how could we have send you this letter? We're coming to get you, so don't leave. This is a threatening letter and a warning. Unless you return the microfilm and get off the ranch, we'll kill you!
Micky: Don't worry about it, Peter, there's nothing in the wrong.
Artie: Aah!
Mike: But this is the same thing...
Artie: Alright, you guys, gimmie the secret apple!

Peter: Listen, guys, guys, listen.
[starts reading a threatening letter]
Peter: We know who you are, so don't try to deny it. We also know where you live, or else how could we have send you this letter? We're coming to get you, so don't leave. This is a threatening letter and a warning. Unless you return the microfilm and get off the ranch, we'll kill you!
Micky: Don't worry about it, Peter, there's nothing in the wrong.
Spy from New York: Aah!
Mike: But this is the same thing...
Spy from New York: Alright, you guys, gimmie the secret apple!

Davy: [realizing they're filming the same episode they deserted before] Jim, what is this? The secret apple?
Mike: We just got back, we wanted to get away from this.
Micky: And it's the same thing!
Peter: [holding up the prop gun held by Art Lewis] And what's with this? What's with this? Violence on the show? Every time we turn around somebody's got a gun!
Director: [motioning to Art Lewis] Will you listen to me? He doesn't have a mustache, he's not using an accent, and it's not the microfilm, it's the secret apple.
Davy: Yeah, and when's the short guy gonna come in? It's the same one every week.
Micky: Same show!
Mike: Man, it's terrible.
Davy: The same story and they change it around.
Micky: [to the viewer] We'll see you next week, kids.
Mike: [apologetically] Yeah, we'll think of something by then.
Davy: [apologetically] Hey, it's a drag.
Director: [as the boys sadly walk off the set] Uh, okay, let's come in for a closeup on the monkey.

"The Monkees: Monkees Mind Their Manor (#2.23)" (1968)
Peter: [packing Davy's suitcase] Gee, Davy, I wish we could all go to England with you, man.
Micky: Boy, that'd be a great idea, if we could all make the trip together.
Mike: Are you kidding me, man, we don't have the money to go down to corner for gum.

Peter: Boy, am I ever doing nothing.

Mike: Oh! Hello there! Well, that wraps up another half-hour of hilarious situation comedy of The Fantastic Four: Daby, Peekel, Micky and Perkal, Mycontchek...
[clears throat]
Mike: us! And we'll be back next week with more riotous fun laughters and hilarious bits of antics and humor...
Peter: Hey Mike, can I say something?
Mike: [thinks about it for a moment] Yeah, ok, go ahead.
Peter: I just wanted to give our viewers, and listeners who's been so nice to us, I wanted to give them our Christmas message which is all about peace and love
Mike: Now wait a, hold it. You can- Man, come on, it's the middle of Februari, you can't give them a Chirstmas message now.
Peter: Well, why not?
Mike: Why not? Well because you just, you don't well uh, oh...
[stumped for words]

"The Monkees: Monkees Chow Mein (#1.26)" (1967)
Micky: [Mickey and Peter are trying to find the door of freedom to escape from the owners of the Chinese restaurant] Let's try this door. I think I heard a rattle.
Peter: Maybe, It's a baby.

The Dragonman: It was a bold and daring move, you're coming here.
Peter: I'd put my arm in the fire for Micky!
The Dragonman: Oh, that's very specialized work.

Inspector Blount: Speed is not as important as secrecy. In our business, secrecy is our most important weapon. Utter secrecy!
Davy, Peter, Mike: Secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy.
Inspector Blount: What are you doing?
Mike: Uttering secrecy.

"The Monkees: Everywhere a Sheik, Sheik (#2.3)" (1967)
King Hassaar Yaduin: The palace has seven hundred bedrooms, twenty-two swimming pools and an indoor polo field!
Micky: Seven hundred bedrooms!
Peter: Yes, but what kind of neighborhood is it in?

Princess Colette Yaduin: You must warn him.
Maiden #1: But Your Majesty, I will be seized before I even have a chance to explain it.
Princess Colette Yaduin: Then be brief. Tell him: Golden Grecian goblets guarantee graves.
Maiden #1: [whispers the message to Peter]
Peter: Hey Micky, Golden Grecian goblets guarantee graves.
Micky: Golden Grecian goblets guarantee graves, golden Grecian goblets guarantee graves... That's pretty good. Try this one: Rubber baby buggy bumpers.

Mike: Did you know that a chick mailed herself to Davy? Davy didn't...
Interviewer: Oh! Yeah! What happened about that one?
Davy: Some, some young lady came up with the bright idea of mailing herself to us...
Mike: And it ruined her arm...
[makes postage machine noises]
Davy: And she put herself in a big box, put herself in a box this big, and sent herself up and put photographs on it. And we opened it and this young lady popped out.
Interviewer: What happened to her?
Peter: Popped her back in again.
Davy: We shipped her to the Beatles.

"The Monkees: Monkee Mother (#1.27)" (1967)
Millie Rudnick: Who did this?
Davy: Did what?
Millie Rudnick: Who made this dust, this filth, you?
[points toward Mickey and Mike]
Micky: What's today?
Mike: Huh? Oh, monday.
Micky: Monday. Eh, It's Peter. Peter puts the filth out on mondays.
Peter: It was nothing.
Peter: You're fired! From now on he sets the table.

Millie Rudnick: [Milly brings home a blond girl along with her shopping] Boys, look what I got. I found her at the supermarket.
Peter: I don't know where we're gonna put her, there's no room in the refrigerator.

Micky: [feeding Peter chocolate pudding with a spoon] Chew carefully, how are you gonna be president if you don't chew carefully?
Peter: I don't wanna be president!
Micky: Shh, don't talk with your mouth full.

"The Monkees: The Picture Frame (#2.2)" (1967)
Sergeant: [using a bull horn] Alright Monkees, come on out, we know you're in there!
Micky: What do they want us for?
Peter: Oh! That library book! It's a week overdue.

Micky: Did you get a lawyer, a lawyer?
Peter: [nods furiously] Aha.
Micky: Is he good?
Peter: He should be, he had the biggest add in the classified pages.

Peter: Oh, there's the lawyer.
Lawyer: I just spoke to the sergeant, you've got nothing to worry about, it's an open and shut case. You're guilty.

"The Monkees: Don't Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth (#1.8)" (1966)
Mike: [feeding soup to a horse] Hey, I think he likes it.
Peter: At least somebody appreciates good soup.
Micky: Hey, wait till you see a horse change into a werewolf.

Dr. Mann: You have a very sick horse here.
Mike: Oh, eh, Dr. Mann, you don't understand.
Dr. Mann: Please don't explain, there's no time to waist, I may have to operate.
Peter: [dressed as the front end of a horse] You can't operate. I'm not a horse, I'm a Monkee.
Dr. Mann: Hahaha, A likely story. I suppose you sing, too?
Davy: [dressed as the back end of a horse] Yeah, both of us in here do.
Dr. Mann: Egad, it's even worse than I thought. This horse not only has delusions of singing, it has a split personality!

Farmer Fisher: [Coming into the barn ringing a big Triangle shouting] It's Tuesday morning! Got a lotta work to be done: gotta feed the hogs, gotta plow the south forty, gotta milk the cows, gotta feed the chickens. Come on boys, come on.
Mike: Come on, we gotta go... plow the cow...
Micky: Something about... I'm supposed to go milk the chicken?
Peter: I think we ought to go to feed the south porty.
Davy: Feed the chickens to the cows.

"The Monkees: Too Many Girls (#1.15)" (1966)
Peter: Poor Davy.
Mike: He's helpless. Trapped by his own staggering good looks.
Micky: I, myself, am deeply jealous.

Mike: We're too late.
Peter: I, myself, am deeply jealous.

Mr. Hack: Ladies and gentlemen, we'll return with one more act, after a word from our sponsor.
Micky: Their sponsor?
Peter: Our sponsor.
Mike: Our sponsor.

"The Monkees: Monkees Race Again (#2.21)" (1968)
Mike: Now hold it, hold it, before this scene goes any further, man, what is this gun thing?
Wolfgang: Well now just a minute, we've got to have the gun. After all it's a prop.
Mike: That's horrible!
Peter: Put that away!
Mike: It's bad enough that you're with a uniform and all!
Peter: But guns on television and everything, it's bad enough we have a tuning fork!

T.N. Crumpetts: I say, Peter, would you care for another spot of tea?
Peter: No thanks, I have several spots allready.
T.N. Crumpetts: Eh, Carruthers, spray away...
[Carruthers begins spraying a scent into the air]
Micky: What's that?
T.N. Crumpetts: It's for atmosphere. Genuine London Mist spray. Also comes in roll-on, of course.
Davy: [fake Liverpudlian accent] Smells like Liverpool to me.

Peter: [to Wolfgang] You know, your pitch is lousy, but you have a pretty good voice. If we don't find Micky, would you like to join our group?

Daydream Believers: The Monkees' Story (2000) (TV)
Micky Dolenz: Guys, it's not like it's personal, I mean dozens of pilots go unsold every year.
Davy Jones: Well, after this I'm done.
Peter Tork: Are you going back to England?
Davy Jones: Yeah, why not? Being a jockey is what I really wanted to be
Mike Nesmith: Well, you're definately the right size for it.
Davy Jones: For your information, I'm rather tall for horse racing.
Peter Tork: The horses are shorter in England.

Phyllis Nesmith: I don't know if I like being the only girl in the middle of all this guy talk.
Peter Tork: It's just love, Phyllis. We need all the love we can get. There's so much anger in the world these days.

Harris Green: You're crazy, you know that? Do you have any idea what you have just given up?
Peter Tork: You can never move forward standing in the same place, Harris.
Harris Green: Yeah, well, let's see how many records you can sell when you're not in people's living room.

"The Monkees: Monkee Mayor (#2.4)" (1967)
Peter: I'll bet it was political sabatooge.
Davy: How do you know that?
Peter: I'm not a campy aide for nothing.

Peter: [Opening an envelope from a sack of mail] Hey, look at it, it's a half a check for a hundred dollars!
Mike: [grabs the contents of the envelope] It's two halves of a hundred dollar check!
Peter: It's a check for two hundred dollars!
Mike: [Mike looks confused] It's two checks for fifty dollars?

Skywriter: We can put his name across the entire sky.
Peter: We want it bigger than that. We wanna see 'Nesmith' up there in the sky with the sun dotting the 'I'.

"The Monkees: Monkees on the Line (#1.28)" (1967)
Drehdal: Do you say you boys were looking for a job?
[the Monkees all shake their heads no]
Drehdal: Well, why didn't you say so? You, you know how to pick up a telephone?
Peter: Yes, yes I do.
[Peter picks up a phone that didn't ring, and holds the phone upside down on his ear]
Peter: Hello, hello? This one's broken.
Drehdal: Boys, I'll make you a deal. You stay here and take care of my phones, I'll pay the regular salary and I'll throw in something extra. What do you say?
Mike: [All of the boys, speak the same time] Hold it, hold it. Wait, we can't do this, we're musicians.
Drehdal: Great. You can listen to the dial tone.
[She laughs and so does Micky, but then the boys start heading toward the door]
Drehdal: Hey, wait a minute. Where ya goin'?
Mike: Um, well we were going to talk it over.
Drehdal: Talk, talk. What's to talk about? Don't you realize what you can do here? You can feel the warm heart of this cruel world.
[the Monkees start to see her as the Statue of Liberty with her wearing a purple dress and a telephone on her torch]
Drehdal: The ideas of the very things that happens and you can be part of it. The city will be in your fingers. Come answer the phone.
Peter: [All of the Monkees are crying] I don't want to be a murderer.
[Drehdal looks confused and you stop seeing her as the "Statue of Liberty."]
Mike: We'll do it. We'll do it!
Drehdal: Good! Oh, I forgot to mention. In order to bring this cruelness in the world, don't get involved with the clients. Alright, which one of you will go first?
Mike: [Al of the Monkees speak at the same time] Hold it, hold it. We'll just check our fingers.
[He looks at his]
Mike: Ooh-la-la! I guess that means I have the city in my fingertips.
Peter: How come Mike always wins?
Micky: He's got six fingers on that hand.
Davy: Look Mike, maybe we'll check in with you later, ok? Goodbye, Mrs. Drehdal.
Drehdal: Bye boys.
[the other Monkees leave]
Mike: Well, got to get to work. Ooh, this is going to be fine and look a never ending sea of telephones.
[Drehdal and Mike talk at the same time]
Mike: It's a wonderful place you got here.
Drehdal: Well, now that you guys are firm, I can go to Jamaica with a free mind.
Mike: Jamaica?
Drehdal: That's right, honey.
Mike: Wait! You have to tell me how to work this thing.
Drehdal: Well, nothing can be easier. The phone rings ding-a-ling-a-ling. You plug it in the hole. You answer it, you write down the message. When the client calls you give them the message. What can be easier?
Mike: Going to Jamaica. Well, hold it.
Drehdal: Yeah?
Mike: I just noticed this red button on the wall. It's a button and it's on a wall. What's it for?
Drehdal: Push it if you get tired. Bye-bye, honey!

Micky: Well, well, what's the beef? Didn't the message get delivered?
Manny Spink: Sure it did, but somehow or other the 10.000 buck bet was switched from Popcicle to Pelican, and Popcicle won!
Davy: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life! Why would anybody want to change a bet like that?
Peter: [all eyes turn to Peter] Well... I thought... I didn't know it was a racehorse, I thought it was a booking for a gig and, and I gave it to the Pelicans 'cause I knew they needed the work.
Micky: [sighs] You have a good heart, Pete.
Manny Spink: Yeah, and I may stop it!

Micky: Hey, what happened to that girl?
Mike: Oh, well, through my clever manipulation of her heartstrings and my... masculinity and my purseasiveness, she...
Davy: Jumped out the window?
Mike: No, she promised she wouldn't do anything until tomorrow.
Peter: Then she jumps out the window?

"The Monkees: The Spy Who Came in from the Cool (#1.5)" (1966)
Agent Honeywell: How do you feel about demonstrations?
Peter: They are the only way to sell a vacuum cleaner.

Madame Olinsky: I grow impatient.
Peter: I grow daffodils!

"The Monkees: The Christmas Show (#2.15)" (1967)
Melvin Vandersnoot: Isn't it the height of conformity for both of you to play the same instrument?
Mike: Well, no...
Peter: No, we don't, man!
Mike: Yeah, that's a bass!
Peter: Yeah, it's different!
Melvin Vandersnoot: Well, personally I don't see how different it could be!
Mike: This isn't working out, you know.
Peter: I'd expected more from you, Michael. Even I could have said that.

Melvin Vandersnoot: Bah, humbug!
Mike: What did you say?
Melvin Vandersnoot: I said bah, humbug!
Mike: I think you need some lessons on Christmas.
Peter: Boy, this kid needs some lessons in Christmas.
Davy: You're telling me!

"The Monkees: Some Like It Lukewarm (#2.24)" (1968)
Davy: I don't even know how to act like a woman.
Peter: Oh, well, that's a sinch, I have here this book: 'How to act like a feminine female in three easy lessons'.

Micky: He likes you.
Peter: All you have to do is go out with him and we're a sinch to win!
Mike: Yeah, as a matter of fact, if you let him kiss you, you may own the Television Station.
Davy: One more remark like that and I'll hit you with me purse.

"The Monkees: Son of a Gypsy (#1.16)" (1966)
Peter: The woods are just so beautiful...!
Micky: Yeah, famous last words.
Peter: Whose?
Micky, Mike, Davy: Little Red Riding Hood.

Mama Maria: If they don't drop that vulture in five minutes, it's curtains for you!
Peter: Oh, for a minute I thought you were gonna kill me.

"The Monkees: I Was a Teenage Monster (#1.18)" (1967)
Peter: Gee, I wish I had my own room.

Peter: Android, Andy! Andy, wait, I'm Peter, your friend. The doctor is an evil man. He wants to exploit you. You're only a pawn in his hands! A tool for his apporicious ambition.
Mike: Apporicious ambitions? Where did he get that?
Davy: It's in the script.
Mike: Are you sure?
Davy: Yes, on page 28.

"The Monkees: Dance, Monkee, Dance (#1.14)" (1966)
Miss Buntwell: One, two, three, four. Oh, you got a lot of style, Mr. Tork. Never knew anyone who get ...
[Ignoring the fact that Peter steps on her foot]
Miss Buntwell: so far, just one lesson.
Peter: I'm pushy.

Renaldo: What do you want?
Peter: Would you show me how to do the box stop again?

"The Monkees: Monkees Watch Their Feet (#2.17)" (1968)
Peter: I can see that all this questioning is wearing you out. Would you like a drink?
Duplicate Micky: I don't drink, I rust easily.

Peter: Hey, wo- wouldn't you like to come with us?
Davy: That's a good idea!
Duplicate Micky: Thanks guys, I'd like to, but I have a little blender waiting for me on Zlotnick.

"The Monkees: Here Come the Monkees (#1.10)" (1966)
Mike: Gentlemen, I have bad news. The firm of Vanessa Russel and Vanessa is failing rapidly.
Peter: Good heavens, we'll be wiped out!

Mike: If they catch us it means a life sentence!
Micky: I'm not going back in that hole!
Davy: You dirty rotten screw!
Peter: You'll never get us alive!
Micky: Come and get us law, come and get us!

"The Monkees: Mijacogeo (#2.26)" (1968)
Peter: This is incredible. I feel as if I though I were being compelled to move by a chant from the transcendental meditations of an Indian Mystic.
Micky: [disembodied voice] No Peter, it's a chant I got with a cereal box-top.
Peter: Oh.
Micky: [cut to Micky and Mike in Eastern garb] Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, it's working, it's working...
Mike: How do you know, how do you know?
Micky: I saw the last scene... I saw the last scene...

"The Monkees: Alias Micky Dolenz (#1.25)" (1967)
Captain: Well, boys, ya did a great job. You recovered all the loot for what was probably the greatest jewel robbery in history.
Micky: Gosherooney!
Captain: And it's my pleasure to give you a share of the jewels as your reward.
Peter: Wow!
Mike: I always wanted a necklace, man, look at that.
Micky: What am I gonna do with an earring?

"The Monkees: The Monkees on Tour (#1.32)" (1967)
Peter: After a concert, my ears are ringing for... for twelve hours and after a number of days of this kind of thing, you really need some absolute quiet for a while.

"The Monkees: Monkees à la Mode (#1.24)" (1967)
Madame Quagmyer: Oh! That is the worst looking dummy I have ever seen.
Peter: Madame Quagmeyer?
Madame Quagmyer: I retract that statement.

"The Monkees: I've Got a Little Song Here (#1.12)" (1966)
Bernard Class: How about: 'I'm gonna buy me a dog'
Micky: [as M.D] That'll have to do. Who wrote it?
Bernard Class: Some kid named Nishwash.
Peter: Nesmith.
Micky: [as M.D] Never heard of him. I like the title of that song. Class, get me that song.
Bernard Class: Yes M.D., certainly M.D. May I call you M.?
Micky: [as M.D] No! Get me Nishwash first.