Albert Brooks
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Quotes for
Albert Brooks (Character)
from Real Life (1979)

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Real Life (1979)
Albert Brooks: I don't remember a time in my whole life when I haven't been close to complete personality disintegration! And how the hell would you know what these people are feeling anyway? From your Mickey Mouse tests?
Dr. Hayward: Don't blame the tests for what they tell us.
Albert Brooks: Oh, I don't blame them. They're great! Why don't we do more, huh? More tests! I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you, Nolan? Want to get that cup again? Come on, we'll get you lots of cups! Maybe a hundred cups! I'll tell you something about you people - you're great with cups, but what you don't have are balls! And I think if you ask any magician he'll tell you that cups without balls doesn't mean jack shit!

Martin Brand: [on speakerphone] Albert, may I interrupt for one minute please? People aren't gonna walk out of a theater saying, "I don't like that guy... that guy that holds the cup with one hand, with two hands ... "
Albert Brooks: Absolutely.
Martin Brand: I'll tell you what they DO have a good chance of saying: "Where the hell is Paul Newman? Where's Redford? Where's Nicholson?" Believe me they prefer Nicholson with the cup than the cup with the other guy.

Albert Brooks: [showing off a high-tech camera to be used in filming] Only six of these cameras were ever made. Only five of them ever worked. We have four of those.

Albert Brooks: Our research was so thorough the computers actually coughed up two perfect families. If I were a liar, I could tell you that we chose one over the other for complicated psychological reasons. But I'm a comedian, not a liar. I can afford the luxury of honesty. The Feltons lived in Wisconsin; the Yeagers lived in Arizona. YOU spend the winter in Wisconsin...
[Albert and the researchers all laugh]

Albert Brooks: I think we're very much alike. See that's why we can get into these kind of debates. I think you'd be surprised at much alike we really are.
Dr. Ted Cleary: I'd be more than surprised. I'd be suicidal.

Albert Brooks: During the time they stayed here, the 210 families underwent more than 145 separate tests, totaling more than 2,500 test hours. If these tests could be converted into eggs, it would be enough to feed a city the size of Saint Louis for more than two years, on a 2 egg person, per week basis. Sounds complicated? It was. And very expensive

Albert Brooks: Oh, look who's talking; the pee hoarder!

Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World (2005)
Albert Brooks: Write down that Polish jokes work everywhere.

Albert Brooks: Hey, if you guys ever make a dirty bomb, put some of that hash in it.

Albert Brooks: Why is there no Halloween in India?
[pauses for a second]
Albert Brooks: They took away the Gandhi.

Albert Brooks: Why is everyone talking to me like there's been a car accident?

Albert Brooks: Oh, let's not use the word "doable," looking at her.