Lamont Sanford
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Quotes for
Lamont Sanford (Character)
from "Sanford and Son" (1972)

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"Sanford and Son: The Engagement (#3.9)" (1973)
Lamont Sanford: [Lamont and Rollo are looking for dates, Rollo flipping through his little black book] Hey, man, what about Dimples and Leigh?
Rollo Larson: Dimples and Leigh? The gruesome twosome? You is a fool. We ain't that hard up... Hey, I wonder if I still got their numbers.
Lamont Sanford: Look under DT for "desperation time."
Rollo Larson: No, here it is, under LR for "last resort."

Aunt Esther Anderson: [Asking about Fred's fiancee] And what did you say her name was?
Lamont Sanford: Donna.
Aunt Esther Anderson: Donna?
Lamont Sanford: Yeah, Donna. It means "lady."
Aunt Esther Anderson: Is that so? I once had a dog named Lady.

Lamont Sanford: [after telling Fred his in-laws are coming to the wedding] Look, Pop, will you stop worrying? They're not gonna be here that long.
Fred G. Sanford: That's what the Indians said when they first saw the white man comin'.

Fred G. Sanford: And you knew it, you planned it.
Lamont Sanford: Wait a minute pop now don't jump to no conclusions.
Fred G. Sanford: All I'm jumping to is upside your head.
Fred G. Sanford: [Talking to Rev Tremble] Now look here Reverend you didn't preach no marriage but stick around you can preach the funeral!

Fred G. Sanford: I knew if you invited them here there would be something like this I told you I knew it I knew.
Fred G. Sanford: [Looks at Lamont and realizes Lamont set the whole thing up] And you knew it you planned IT!
Lamont Sanford: Wait a minute pop don't jump to no conclusions.
Fred G. Sanford: All I'm jumping to is up side your head!

Fred G. Sanford: [Referring to Esther] She going to bring Woody the wino?
Lamont Sanford: Yea I believe so.
Fred G. Sanford: That does it I'm going to have to hide my Ripple, my Gin, my Bourbon ,my Rye, going to have to hide my bug spray, my Draino.


"Sanford and Son: Whiplash (#2.2)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: [annoyed to learn Fred drove to the store to buy coffee] He knows if I don't have a cup of coffee as soon as I get up my hands start to shake and my eyes get all blurry.
Bubba Bexley: You know, that's funny. The same thing happens to me after I drink your father's coffee.

Fred G. Sanford: Did you ever try cruising through Beverly Hills?
Lamont Sanford: No, but I can if I want to.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, you do that, and you'll come away feeling like a cheap watch.
Lamont Sanford: And just what is that supposed to mean?
Fred G. Sanford: It means you'll be stopped every few seconds.

Fred G. Sanford: [after Lamont calls Fred a phony] I'm not fakin'! I really got a pain in the neck.
Lamont Sanford: You have, huh?
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, and the more I talk to you it moves downward.

Lamont Sanford: [skeptical of the smoking, coughing wreck of a man] And you're a doctor?
Dr. Caldwell: In some states.

Fred G. Sanford: You don't believe nothin'. Even when you was a kid, you didn't even believe in Santa Claus.
Lamont Sanford: Well, you were the one that was responsible for that.
Fred G. Sanford: Who, me?
Lamont Sanford: Yes, you. You told me there was no Santa Claus.
Fred G. Sanford: I ain't told you there was no Santa Claus. I said wouldn't no white man be coming 'round in our neighborhood wearing no red velvet suit at 12 o'clock.


"Sanford and Son: Coffins for Sale (#1.9)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: I don't understand you kids today. If I had talked to my father the way you talk to me, you know what he'd have done?
Lamont Sanford: Yeah, he'd have given you one across the lip.
Fred G. Sanford: That's right. And he would've continued on down from there. He whipped from the lips to the hips.
Lamont Sanford: And you think that's the answer, huh?
Fred G. Sanford: Well, it might not be the answer, but it sure was no question when he finished.

Fred G. Sanford: [Discussing the coffins] And they ain't goin' in the house!
Lamont Sanford: Oh, yes they are!
Fred G. Sanford: Oh, no they're not. Over my dead body.
Lamont Sanford: Well, that's one sale we got.

Lamont Sanford: This is ridiculous! You're ridiculous and I'm ridiculous for being out here with you!
Fred G. Sanford: Then go back in the house.
Lamont Sanford: Don't be ridiculous.

Lamont Sanford: What do you say pop?
Fred G. Sanford: Don't call me pop you don't sound like sound like no son of min you sound like the son of Frankenstein!

Fred G. Sanford: What about when all them pigeons gathered on top of Mrs.Johnson House, and I told you that was a bad sign. I said Mrs.Johnson not going to be around long, and within a year She was dead.
Lamont Sanford: Pop, Ms. Johnson was 97 years old
Fred G. Sanford: Well, The Pigeons knew it
Lamont Sanford: They Knew they had to take a rest. Pigeons can't fly forever.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, why they had to rest on top of her roof? You can't Answer that can you?


"Sanford and Son: Ebenezer Sanford (#5.12)" (1975)
Lamont Sanford: You are Scrooge. This is just like that story, 'Christmas Carol'.
Fred G. Sanford: What the Dickens are you talking about?

Fred G. Sanford: I'm kinda sleepy, son.
Lamont Sanford: Naturally, you've been over-resting.

Lamont Sanford: [as the Ghost of Christmas] We'll travel on the clouds, above the stars in the sky.
Fred G. Sanford: Unh-uh, I ain't smokin' any of that stuff.

Lamont Sanford: [as the Ghost of Christmas] This is your future, Fred Sanford.
Fred G. Sanford: That's me? All alone, no son, no friends?
Lamont Sanford: And do you know why?
Fred G. Sanford: No deodorant?


"Sanford and Son: Lamont Goes African (#2.17)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: [Lamont lays down the law to his lazy father] We gonna get some oojima in this house starting today.
Fred G. Sanford: [Puzzled] Some who?
Lamont Sanford: Some oojima.
Fred G. Sanford: [Turning to his friend] Bubba, you ever hear of oojima?
Bubba Bexley: No, but I know Big Jima.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, she's the stripper over at that topless joint.
Bubba Bexley: [Both men clap their hands and laugh] Yeah!

Fred G. Sanford: [addressing his dashiki-wearing son] So what's your original new name?
Lamont Sanford: Kalunda.
Fred G. Sanford: Ka-who?
Lamont Sanford: Kalunda.
Fred G. Sanford: If you think I'm gonna change the sign from Sanford and Son to Sanford and Kalunda you're crazy.

Fred G. Sanford: Listen, Lamont...
Lamont Sanford: Not Lamont! Kalunda! Kah-loon-dah. Say it.
Fred G. Sanford: Calendar.

Lamont Sanford: [explaining to Fred why there is African art, shields and masks in the living room] A man's home is supposed to reflect his culture.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, if you want to reflect MY culture, put up a picture of Billy Eckstine and Joe Louis.


"Sanford and Son: The Older Woman (#4.23)" (1975)
Fred G. Sanford: What's that I smell?
Lamont Sanford: Oh, that's probably my new cologne you smell, Pop. It's called "Days in Paris."
Fred G. Sanford: Well, it smell like "Nights in El Segundo."

Lamont Sanford: That's why you're you, and I'm me, and that's why I love you.
[Kisses Fred on cheek]
Fred G. Sanford: [Wiping kiss off] I don't play that.

Lamont Sanford: Look, have you decided on what you're gonna fix next Tuesday night for dinner?
Fred G. Sanford: Yes, I've decided. I'm gonna fix something new, something borrowed and something blue, because you're bringin' something old.


"Sanford and Son: The Shootout (#2.9)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: [Handing Fred an antique rifle] That's an original Revolutionary War rifle. I picked it up at an auction for fifty bucks.
Fred G. Sanford: You paid fifty bucks for this?
Lamont Sanford: Pop, this is an original Revolutionary War rifle. It's called a "Brown Bess."
Fred G. Sanford: And they sold it to a brown dummy.

Fred G. Sanford: Who don't know about guns?
Lamont Sanford: You don't.
Fred G. Sanford: Are you kiddin'? World War I, Fred B. Sanford...
Lamont Sanford: "B. Sanford"? What's the "B" for?
Fred G. Sanford: Bullseye. Machine gunner, World War I. Rifleman. Pistol expert. Now how 'bout that?
Lamont Sanford: Well, that's not the way I heard it. It was World War II and it was Fred B. Sanford alright, but the "B" wasn't for "Bullseye."

Fred G. Sanford: How many times you see pictures of Jesus and he's white?
Lamont Sanford: What about it?
Fred G. Sanford: That's wrong, too, 'cause you can't hang around Jerusalem no thirty-some years and don't wear no hat and stay white.


"Sanford and Son: The Defiant One (#6.15)" (1977)
Lamont Sanford: I'll go to a movie or somethin'.
Fred G. Sanford: There's a good one down at the Rialto. You oughtta go down there and see it. I think it's about a revolt in an old age home.
Lamont Sanford: Now that sounds hip. What's it called?
Fred G. Sanford: Caine Mutiny.

Grady Wilson: [Serving supper to the Sanfords] We'll start the evening off with my famous Russian cocktail. Vodka and prune juice.
Lamont Sanford: [Spits out drink] Vodka and prune juice?
Grady Wilson: Yeah, yeah. I call that my Trotsky.

Lamont Sanford: Why don't you each take an ear of corn and start at opposite ends?
Aunt Esther Anderson: I'd like some butter on my end.
Fred G. Sanford: What'cha want on the corn?


"Sanford and Son: Fred's Treasure Garden (#4.11)" (1974)
Lamont Sanford: [Thinking of what to do with the marijuana plants] We gotta think of some way to get rid of that stuff.
Rollo Larson: Hey, don't worry, baby! I'll do it.
Lamont Sanford: Wait a minute! I know - I'll burn it!
Rollo Larson: That's exactly what I had in mind!

Grady Wilson: [Perturbed at being pestered by Lamont while serving seconds of his salad] You wouldn't disturb the Wright Brothers when they were trying to fly?
Lamont Sanford: That's exactly what I want to talk to you about!

Lamont Sanford: [Lamont and Grady in the kitchen. Lamont explaining why the policemen can't stop eating so much of Grady's salad] Now just about everybody knows that one of the main side effects of using marijuana is the hungries or the munchies.
Grady Wilson: Weren't they in "The Wizard of Oz"?
Lamont Sanford: That was the Munchkins!
Grady Wilson: Oooh, yeah. Didn't you just love that picture?
Lamont Sanford: Grady, would you knock it off? This is no time for that.
Grady Wilson: There was Dorothy and Toto and the Wicked Witch of the Watts.
Lamont Sanford: Of the West, Grady!


"Sanford and Son: The Infernal Triangle (#2.19)" (1973)
Lamont Sanford: [Addressing his father, who is drunk and singing] You're just full of songs tonight. And what else are you full of, Muscatel?
Fred G. Sanford: No. We were drinking Muscatel and Ripple. In fact, I call it Muscatipple.

Lamont Sanford: [after Fred returns from calling a cab at the neighbor's home] Pop, Judy and I are lovers!
Fred G. Sanford: [Stunned] But, I wasn't gone but five minutes.

Lamont Sanford: Hey, Pop, if women got all these bad qualities, how come you chase after 'em like you do?
Fred G. Sanford: Well, son, you know what the Bible says. Woman was made from a rib. I can live without a lot of things, but I can't live without ribs.


"Sanford and Son: The TV Addict (#5.17)" (1976)
Fred G. Sanford: [after Lamont tells him to turn off the TV and get some exercise] Exercise?
Lamont Sanford: That's right, exercise. You know, like push-ups, chin-ups, sit-ups.
Fred G. Sanford: Why don't you try some shut-ups?

Lamont Sanford: [to Fred] You're an addict, Pop. You're a TV addict, Jack. You got a peacock on your back.


"Sanford and Son: The Party Crasher (#3.18)" (1974)
Lamont Sanford: [Opens the door for Rollo, who is wearing a snazzy suit] Hey, Rollo! I see you got yourself a few new threads.
Rollo Larson: No, baby, this is the whole spool!

Rollo Larson: Aw, man, quit thinking' about that; most cats cut out when they're sixteen. You got to cut out sometime. How old are you?
Lamont Sanford: Thirty-one.
Rollo Larson: Well what're you waitin' on, Medicare?


"Sanford and Son: Tower Power (#4.12)" (1974)
Lamont Sanford: [to Fred, who is building his tower] When I get back here tonight I expect this thing to be finished.
Fred G. Sanford: Finished? Son, you cannot put a time limit on creativity. Did Mrs. Bell say, "Hurry up, man, and invent the telephone; I gotta call my mother"? Did Mrs. Edison say, "Hurry up, man, will you get that light bulb fixed, 'cause it's getting dark in here"?

Lamont Sanford: [Beholding Fred's tower] This is an ugly mess that you made here, man.
Fred G. Sanford: You don't know nothin' about judgin' art. You the only one in kindergarten that flunked Clay.


"Sanford and Son: We Were Robbed (#1.6)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: Are you sure they were white, Pop?
Fred G. Sanford: I know they wasn't black, 'cause you can't get no stocking over one of them big naturals.

Lamont Sanford: [after explaining what happened to Fred's piggy bank as if a similar robbery happened, Lamont breaks character] You believe me, don't you?
Fred G. Sanford: [With a look of "uh oh"] Yeah. I believe you.
Lamont Sanford: Good, so why don't you go ahead and call the police.
[Starts nudging Fred towards the phone, with him protesting as he continues to speak]
Lamont Sanford: Tell them exactly what happened.
[Louder]
Lamont Sanford: I wonder if I'll get a citation just the one they gave you?
[Once they get close to the phone, he picks up the dustpan with the broken glass in it]
Fred G. Sanford: [as he sees it] ... I don't think it's necessary to call the pol...
Lamont Sanford: And you can also tell them that I found my porcelain all smashed and broken, and sitting in the refrigerator in the yard!
[Let's it dump on the floor]
Lamont Sanford: I wonder how it got there!


"Sanford and Son: Sanford and Gong (#6.13)" (1976)
Lamont Sanford: Sit down, Pop, because I have a surprise for you.
Fred G. Sanford: Don't tell me your Aunt Esther had her face paved?

Fred G. Sanford: [Holding four tickets to "The Gong Show"] Now, who should I ask?
Lamont Sanford: Well, besides me, you could ask Aunt Esther.
Fred G. Sanford: Esther? This is the GONG Show, not the GOON Show!


"Sanford and Son: Wine, Women and Aunt Esther (#3.13)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: [Discussing his new outlook on life] Fun, fun, fun, son. Bring on the wine, women and the song.
Lamont Sanford: Pop, at your age you can't afford to do that.
Fred G. Sanford: Why not?
Lamont Sanford: Because if you have too much wine and women, the song is gonna be "Nearer My God To Thee."

Lamont Sanford: [Looking incredulously at his father's loud outfit] What have you got on?
Fred G. Sanford: It's a Super Fly suit. What's it look like?
Lamont Sanford: It looks like you got on a floral arrangement from Junior Cooper's funeral.


"Sanford and Son: A Guest in the Yard (#2.12)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: Hey, now that's blackmail!
Fred Sanford: No, that's whitemail!

Lamont Sanford: Haven't you ever heard of the Good Samaritan?
Fred Sanford: You know I don't like them Japanese movies.
Lamont Sanford: That's Samaritan, not samurai!


"Sanford and Son: My Kingdom for a Horse (#4.8)" (1974)
Lamont Sanford: [Demanding an explanation for the horse in the kitchen] Pop, I want an answer!
Fred G. Sanford: Well, that's simple.
Lamont Sanford: I don't want a lie.
Fred G. Sanford: That makes it harder.

Lamont Sanford: You put my blanket on a horse?
Fred G. Sanford: You can get it back tonight.
Lamont Sanford: Well, what about the smell?
Fred G. Sanford: He didn't seem to mind it.


"Sanford and Son: A Pad for Lamont (#1.7)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: I thought I was too old for this kind of carryin' on. Say, do you know what Ernestine calls me? Ready Freddy.
Lamont Sanford: Who's Ernestine?
Fred G. Sanford: I told you she was here last night. Whew! What a rump roast!

Lamont Sanford: [At his new place, Lamont is going through his black book looking for someone to invite over, he's on his third choice] Ah, Joyce. Call Joyce and rejoice! I'm calling Joyce.
[Pciks up the phone and dials her number, then into phone]
Lamont Sanford: Hello, can I speak to Joyce, please?
[pause, almost offended]
Lamont Sanford: Well, who's this?
[pause, then shocked]
Lamont Sanford: Oh no! I didn't know she was married! No! No no no no no no no! No messages! Never mind who's calling!
[Hangs up]


"Sanford and Son: Golden Boy (#4.19)" (1975)
Lamont Sanford: [Chastising his father for getting taken in by a con man] Pop, how could you do any kind of business with Yerby, man? Anybody that goes door to door selling encyclopedias printed in crayon is deranged.

Lamont Sanford: And for breakfast this bottomless pit
[Junior]
Lamont Sanford: ate a dozen eggs, a half a pound of bacon, and a loaf of toast! And a half an hour later, I caught him looking fondly at Julio's goat!


"Sanford and Son: The Return of the Barracuda (#1.13)" (1972)
Melvin: They really know how to make the horror movies, those Japanese. You know all those Godzilla movies? They was made in Japan.
Lamont Sanford: I know that, Melvin. I ain't exactly stupid, y'know.
Melvin: You know, I wish they'd do a Godzilla movie with a black man, don't you?

Lamont Sanford: What about your age, Pop? Now, who gets married at 65?
Fred Sanford: You better read your Bible. Abraham got married when he was over 100, had six kids.
Lamont Sanford: Yeah, Abraham had some help from the Lord.
Fred Sanford: Well, I don't intend to have no six children, so I won't need as much help.


"Sanford and Son: Happy Birthday, Pop (#1.2)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: [Looking at his present] It's a hat, ain't it?
Lamont Sanford: No, it's a lampshade. Of course it's a hat.

Fred G. Sanford: This is a real Chinese restaurant, isn't it?
Lamont Sanford: No, it's a pizza parlor. Of course it's a Chinese restaurant.


"Sanford and Son: Jealousy (#2.4)" (1972)
Osgood Wilcox: [Addressing Fred] I did 30 push-ups, 50 sit-ups, and jogged three miles this morning before breakfast. What did you do?
Lamont Sanford: He read Dear Abby, stood up too fast and almost fainted.

Fred G. Sanford: [In the kitchen checking on the rump roast while Donna and Osgood dance in the living room] They ain't doin' nothin' but dancing.
Lamont Sanford: Uh-huh. All I know is he's the dude with the dame and you're the chump with the rump.


"Sanford and Son: A Matter of Life and Breath (#1.5)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: Pop, since you was 10, you smoked a cigarette 41 miles long!
Fred G. Sanford: That's real super king-size, ain't it?

Fred G. Sanford: [after flirting with the attractive young receptionist] Now, she's got T.B.
Lamont Sanford: What?
Fred G. Sanford: Terrific Body.
Lamont Sanford: You're a dirty old man, you know that?
Fred G. Sanford: And I'm gonna be one till I'm a dead old man.


"Sanford and Son: Fred the Activist (#6.20)" (1977)
Lamont Sanford: Honest Hal? Pop, with a name like Honest Hal, he couldn't possibly be honest.
Fred G. Sanford: Why not? Tricky Dicky was tricky.

Hank: If you call off your pickets, we'll give you a stereo free.
Lamont Sanford: Hey, my Pop wouldn't sell out the Gray Foxes for a mere stereo.
Fred G. Sanford: Uh, yeah, you're right, son. However, if you threw in a free record collection...
Lamont Sanford: But Pop?
Hank: Anything you want!
Fred G. Sanford: You got any Isaac Hayes and Leslie Uggams?
Hank: We certainly do!
Lamont Sanford: What about ethics and morality?
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, throw them in too with Earth, Wind & Fire.


"Sanford and Son: Blood Is Thicker Than Junk (#2.10)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: [fighting with Fred] And that's another thing - I'm getting tired of you callin' me a dummy.
Fred G. Sanford: The only reason I call you a dummy is because I call 'em as I see 'em. Dummy.

Mr. Clifford: [the employment officer interviews Lamont] What's your educational background?
Lamont Sanford: Well, I was working towards my Ph.D., but I didn't quite complete it.
Mr. Clifford: I see. How far did you get?
Lamont Sanford: About the 10th grade.


"Sanford and Son: Here Today, Gone Today (#6.11)" (1976)
Fred G. Sanford: There's somethin' on TV I really want to see tonight, Son. It's a very sad episode of "The Six Million Dollar Man."
Lamont Sanford: Aw, Pop.
Fred G. Sanford: But it is, Son. Y'see, the Six Million Dollar Man becomes outdated, so they donate his vital organs to a used car lot in El Segundo.

Lamont Sanford: I'm gonna call the police!
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, tell 'em we were robbed by a gang of weirdos!
Lamont Sanford: Why do you say they were weirdos?
Fred G. Sanford: Who else would steal Esther's picture?


"Sanford and Son: My Fair Esther (#5.9)" (1975)
Fred G. Sanford: I'm cookin' my science-fiction special.
Lamont Sanford: What's a "science-fiction special"?
Fred G. Sanford: [Holding up a shriveled link on a fork] The Incredible Shrinking Sausage!

Lamont Sanford: Pop, if I did what you're asking' me I wouldn't be able to look myself in the face.
Fred G. Sanford: You wouldn't be missin' nothin'.


"Sanford and Son: Superflyer (#3.8)" (1973)
Lamont Sanford: [Examining the contents of Fred's pocket after he set off the airport metal detector] A crucifix? A St. Christopher's medal? A Star of David? A Crescent of Islam? And a Buddha?
Fred G. Sanford: [Bringing up his hand] And a mojo.
Lamont Sanford: [Exasperated] What do you need all these things for?
Fred G. Sanford: Flight insurance. Y'see, down here on the ground I'm a Baptist, but up there I ain't takin' no chances.

Lamont Sanford: [In response to Fred's insulting remarks about Uncle Leotis] C'mon, Pop, show some respect. The man just died.
Fred G. Sanford: One less ugly person in the world! And he was ugly. He looked like a fried monkey in the face. Had an old peanut-shaped head; every time it rained it had a big puddle of water in the middle of it.


"Sanford and Son: Once a Thief (#4.15)" (1974)
Grady Wilson: [Grady, Lamont and Herman stand in the living room. Grady asks Lamont] How come he went to prison?
Lamont Sanford: Because of circumstantial evidence! He just happened to be at the scene of a crime.
Grady Wilson: [Turning to Herman] Oh, you "just happened to be at the scene of a crime"? What were you doing there?
Herman: Committing it.

Lamont Sanford: [Defending Herman to Grady] He's not a "jailbird." He's got a name.
Grady Wilson: Oh, yeah? Spell it for me - number by number.


"Sanford and Son: The Suitcase Case (#1.12)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: We're rich! We can retire!
Lamont Sanford: Yeah, no more getting up at six o'clock to get that old, stupid truck started by eight!

Fred G. Sanford: [after Lamont tells him to look at the strange car parked outside] What's strange about it?
Lamont Sanford: Well, it's been parked in this neighborhood for over five minutes and it's still got tires.


"Sanford and Son: Grady, the Star Boarder (#3.12)" (1973)
Lamont Sanford: [In response to Fred's planning a romantic getaway with Donna to Disneyland] Yeah, but I'd like to know what's so romantic about Disneyland?
Fred G. Sanford: Disneyland Motel.
Lamont Sanford: You're a dirty old man, you know that?
Fred G. Sanford: And I'm gonna be one till I'm a dead old man.

Fred G. Sanford: [Fred reading a recipe from the newspaper's food section] Here it is right here. It says, "Tempt your guests with this delicious, appetizing horse diver."
Lamont Sanford: Wait a minute, let me see that. That's not "horse diver." It's French. That's horz dee ovary.


"Sanford and Son: My Brother-In-Law's Keeper (#4.20)" (1975)
Lamont Sanford: [to Fred, who is sitting at the table stunned after learning his sister married a white man] Hey, Pop, you look frozen.
Fred G. Sanford: Sure I'm frozen. I just got hugged and kissed by Snow Whitey.

Lamont Sanford: [Referring to the bottle of liquor Fred took with him when he entered the kitchen after being hugged by Rodney] Pop? Don't drink it, Pop.
Fred G. Sanford: I'm not going to drink it. I'm gonna pour it over my body and strike a match to it.


"Sanford and Son: The Dowry (#2.3)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: [Looking through a photo album] Is that Cousin Grady?
Fred G. Sanford: No, that's your Uncle Toot. See, Uncle Toot was a chef on the Titanic, but he never got a chance to cook nothin'.

Fred G. Sanford: [In the kitchen discussing Betty Jean] That's a big girl, ain't it, son?
Lamont Sanford: And she say she lost 40 pounds.
Fred G. Sanford: If she look behind her, she'll find it.


"Sanford and Son: The Piano Movers (#1.14)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: What war were you ever in?
Fred G. Sanford: World War II. I never got over it. Staggering, staggering under that 40-pound pack.
Lamont Sanford: Now you know you never left Fort Dix, New Jersey, and the only pack that made you stagger was a six-pack!

Man: [as Fred goes to sit in his expensive chair] Ah ah!
Lamont Sanford: [Almost sarcastically] It's a Chippendale. It's not made for sitting in.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, he should've got a Sears n Roebuck. They made for sitting in.


"Sanford and Son: Fred & Carol and Fred & Donna (#2.13)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: Listen, Lamont, I'm not married. I still gotta sow some wild oats.
Lamont Sanford: Pop, at your age you ain't got no wild oats; you got shredded wheat.
Fred G. Sanford: Okay, so I got shredded wheat, but I still got a whole lot of snap, crackle and pop left.

Fred G. Sanford: Listen, I went through a lot of expense to make this a romantic evening. I even got some pink Champagne chilling in the refrigerator.
Lamont Sanford: You bought Champagne?
Fred G. Sanford: Well, not really. It's really ginger ale and Ripple. See, I call it Champipple.


"Sanford and Son: Steinberg and Son (#5.5)" (1975)
Bubba Bexley: The characters on that show are a lot like you. There's the mean grouchy old father.
Fred G. Sanford: Wait a minute...
Bubba Bexley: The Dumb son.
Lamont Sanford: Hey Bubba?
Bubba Bexley: The Ugly Sister-in-Law.
Aunt Esther Anderson: Watch it sucka!
Bubba Bexley: And the stupid bungling friend.
[Looks at Grady]
Grady Wilson: [Sarcasticly] Your too hard on yourself Bubba!

Fred G. Sanford: [Thinking up premises for new television series] And here's the topper. I mean, here's the one that's sure to sell. It's about a family of pioneer plumbers.
Lamont Sanford: I'm afraid to ask what it's called.
Fred G. Sanford: It's called, "Little Outhouses on the Prairie."


"Sanford and Son: There'll Be Some Changes Made (#4.5)" (1974)
Lamont Sanford: [Trying to convince Fred of his stubbornness] When's the last time you gave in to somebody?
Fred G. Sanford: 1942. I gave in to your mother. And that was a big mistake.
Lamont Sanford: Why? What happened?
Fred G. Sanford: You. You see, Lamont is French for "big mistake."

Lamont Sanford: [to Fred after he's insulted their Chinese neighbor Ah Chew] What's the matter with you? Ah Chew is our neighbor. Well, you know what it says in the Bible: "Love thy neighbour."
Fred G. Sanford: Well, the guy who wrote the Bible didn't live in this neighborhood. If he had, he'd have said, "Love thy neighbour, but locketh thy windows."
[turning to Ah Chew]
Fred G. Sanford: Now shove that in your fortune cookie, Choo-Choo!


"Sanford and Son: Watts Side Story (#2.18)" (1973)
Lamont Sanford: The problem with you Pop is that you're not very broad-minded.
Fred Sanford: You know I'm broad-minded. Remember the time that white woman come by here taking a census? Didn't I let her use the toilet?

Fred Sanford: [Trying to convince Lamont not to date Maria] It's wrong. It's just wrong. And it's dangerous.
Lamont Sanford: Dangerous? Why?
Fred Sanford: You could be attacked by Sharks.
Lamont Sanford: What are you talking about?
Fred Sanford: D'you remember that movie, "West Side Story"? See, the Sharks was a gang of Puerto Ricans and they got that guy for takin' that Maria out. And he was Irish, so you can imagine what's gonna happen to you.


"Sanford and Son: The Puerto Ricans Are Coming! (#2.8)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: Now Julio's a nice guy. He don't want no trouble.
Fred G. Sanford: Julio? That his name.
Lamont Sanford: That's right. Julio Fuentes.
Fred G. Sanford: Julio Fuentes. That don't sound like no name, that sound like somethin' you get from drinkin' their water.

Lamont Sanford: All I know is you're turning against a man because he happens to be from another country. Now how would you like it if the next door turned against people from Africa?
Fred G. Sanford: I don't care, long as he don't turn against people from St. Louis.


"Sanford and Son: Libra Rising All Over Lamont (#3.2)" (1973)
Lamont Sanford: [Lamont speaking with his hypochondriac father notices the book beside him in bed] Hey, wait a minute, what's that? Don't tell me that's a Bible?
Fred G. Sanford: What'd you think it is? What's wrong with that?
Lamont Sanford: Nothing. It's just I ain't never seen you so close to one before.
Fred G. Sanford: I ain't never felt this close to the one who wrote it before.

Fred G. Sanford: Why you smilin' at me like Bela Lugosi?
Lamont Sanford: Well, can't I smile at my own father?


"Sanford and Son: By the Numbers (#2.1)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: President Nixon's not gonna run.
Fred G. Sanford: If he comes through Watts he will.


"Sanford and Son: Fred Meets Redd (#6.14)" (1977)
Fred G. Sanford: Redd Foxx is my idol. I love him. I love the way he spells his name with two d's and two x's.
Lamont Sanford: I wonder why he does that.
Fred G. Sanford: I don't know about the two d's, but I saw his nightclub act once, and I know why they got all them x's!


"Sanford and Son: The Light Housekeeper (#2.14)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: [the last scene, Lamont is headed downstairs] Well, see ya later, Pop.
Fred G. Sanford: Wait! Where are you going?
Lamont Sanford: I'm going to work.
Fred G. Sanford: And leave me here all alone?
Lamont Sanford: Look, I just finished making the beds, I fixed your breakfast, you lunch is on a plate in the refrigerator, and there's nothing here that you need me for.
Fred G. Sanford: But, I'm helpless. What if a burglar comes in here? And you know, they never did catch that Zodiac Killer.
[Lamont crosses over to the phone]
Fred G. Sanford: What are you doing? Who are you calling?
Lamont Sanford: I'm calling the employment agency to see if Mary is available to come down here today.
Fred G. Sanford: [Jumps up, pulls his arm out of the sling, and runs over to hang up the phone] Mary? No, don't call that woman! I don't want her here! I...
[stops when he realizes what he did]
Lamont Sanford: So, you're not so helpless after all!


"Sanford and Son: Aunt Esther Has a Baby (#6.10)" (1976)
Lamont Sanford: Look, Pop, try and be a little nice to Aunt Esther. You know she's got that whiplash and that's very painful.
Fred G. Sanford: How did she do that, anyway?
Lamont Sanford: Well, she was sitting in the back of Uncle Woody's truck, and she got hit from the rear.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, how could you tell? Both ends look the same to me.


"Sanford and Son: Crossed Swords (#1.1)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: [Back home, to Fred after he screwed up the auction by shill bidding too high, unbeknownst to him] You numbskull! You bumbling, fumbling, no good numbskull!


"Sanford and Son: Mama's Baby, Papa's Maybe (#3.14)" (1974)
Lamont Sanford: [after Grip has claimed to be Lamont's father, Lamont turns to Fred] Hey, man, this is my father, the only Pop I've ever known. Now, all my life it's been Sanford and Son, and, as far as I'm concerned, that's the way it's gonna always be.


"Sanford and Son: TV or Not TV (#1.11)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: [Comes in] Hey Pop, I'm home.
Fred G. Sanford: [Almost immediately to him] I want a new TV!
Lamont Sanford: What?
Fred G. Sanford: You heard me, and I won't take 'no' for an answer! I want a new TV!
[Melvin is standing behind Lamont, he draws a box with his fingers]
Fred G. Sanford: With a big screen!
[Melvin mimes pushing buttons on one]
Fred G. Sanford: And remote control.
[Melvin them points to his cheek]
Fred G. Sanford: And color.
[Biggest laughter]


"Sanford and Son: The Escorts (#5.19)" (1976)
Fred G. Sanford: [wearing a snazzy zoot suit] Look, son, do I look like somethin' that stepped outta Esquire?
Lamont Sanford: No, you look more like something that was kicked out of El Segundo.


"Sanford and Son: Fred, the Reluctant Fingerman (#3.3)" (1973)
Lamont Sanford: When I was a kid, you was the one that always told me to "Love thy neighbor."
Fred G. Sanford: I didn't know the neighborhood was gonna change this fast.


"Sanford and Son: The Camping Trip (#5.24)" (1976)
Lamont Sanford: Now give me a match so I can start a fire.
Fred G. Sanford: You don't need no matches to start no fire. All you need to do is rub two pieces of wood together. Now go over there and rub your head upside the tree.


"Sanford and Son: A Little Extra Security (#4.13)" (1974)
Lamont Sanford: Where have you been the last 24 hours?
Grady Wilson: Oh, me and Otis, we did the *town* man!
Lamont Sanford: You guys did the town?
Grady Wilson: That's right!
Lamont Sanford: What could you possibly do in this town that could keep you out for 24 hours?
Grady Wilson: Nothing.
Lamont Sanford: But you just said...
Grady Wilson: [Cutting him off] I said we did the town. I didn't say this was the town we did.
Lamont Sanford: What town did you do?
Grady Wilson: Las Vegas, Nee-vada!


"Sanford and Son: Fred's Extra Job (#6.8)" (1976)
Lamont Sanford: You took $6,000 in coins to the bank? That's unbelievable!
Fred G. Sanford: You tellin' me? If there had been a bus to Europe I would've had the exact change.


"Sanford and Son: Fred Sanford Has a Baby (#5.16)" (1976)
Fred G. Sanford: Listen, I am the big biz whiz of Watts.
Lamont Sanford: You're the big biz whiz of Watts, huh?
Fred G. Sanford: Allow me to introduce myself: J. Paul Ghetto.


"Sanford and Son: A Visit from Lena Horne (#2.16)" (1973)
Lamont Sanford: [Upon seeing Lena Horne in his living room, clutches his chest and staggers] Oh! I think I'm havin' one, Pop! My very first one. And it's a big one. Ya hear that, Mom? Your little boy's comin' to join ya... with a moustache!


"Sanford and Son: Grady and His Lady (#4.4)" (1974)
Lamont Sanford: You know, if Grady gets married, he's going to make you the best man, and you know what that means, right?
Fred G. Sanford: What?
Lamont Sanford: You'll be the first to kiss the bride.
Fred G. Sanford: [Cringes, then] I'd rather kiss Mighty Joe Young's armpits!


"Sanford and Son: Funny, You Don't Look It (#6.22)" (1977)
Aunt Esther Anderson: Some people claim the Falashas come from the son of King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba.
Fred G. Sanford: Oh, King Solomon, from the Bible. That the the guy who had the argument with those two mothers, took their kids and split.
Aunt Esther Anderson: Something like that, fool. I don't understand how the wisest of men beget the biggest turkey in Watts.
Lamont Sanford: Kosher turkey! That's the biggest kosher turkey!


"Sanford and Son: The Engagement Man Always Rings Twice (#5.20)" (1976)
Fred G. Sanford: Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Lamont Sanford: No, it certainly wasn't, considering this is the first time Janet's been over here for a meal catered by Melvin's Menudo Manor.
Janet Lawson: I never thought I'd like soul enchiladas.


"Sanford and Son: Fred's Cheating Heart (#3.17)" (1974)
Lamont Sanford: [Telling his father of his plans to marry Julio's sister] But look on the bright side of it, Pop. When we have our first son we'll name him after you. We'll call him Fredrico! Litte Fredrico Manuel Fuentes Sanford!
Fred G. Sanford: [Staggering, hand over his heart] Oh, no! This is the biggest one I ever had! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join ya, honey... with an invitation to a Puerto Rican wedding!


"Sanford and Son: Sergeant Gork (#5.23)" (1976)
Fred G. Sanford: Hello, son. Roger and I were just having a little talk.
Lamont Sanford: Yeah, I heard all about it, "Major." Cyanide capsules, truth drugs. I'm surprised Roger wasn't hurt.
Fred G. Sanford: Hurt?
Lamont Sanford: Hit by flying bull.


"Sanford and Son: The Great Sanford Siege (#1.8)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: [shouting through the door to collection agent Hamlin, who is threatening to force his way in] You'll be in a lot of trouble,' cause we gotta lot of friends in washington, D.C.!
Lamont Sanford: That's right!
[Suddenly puzzled, looks at Fred]
Lamont Sanford: We have?
Fred G. Sanford: We must have; it's 80% black.


"Sanford and Son: I Dream of Choo Choo Rabinowitz (#6.5)" (1976)
Lamont Sanford: Pop, you were never on the Harlem Globetrotters!
Fred G. Sanford: Yes, I was. You just don't remember, because when I was dribbling with the Globetrotters, you were slam dunking in your diapers.


"Sanford and Son: Aunt Esther and Uncle Woodrow Pfftt... (#3.22)" (1974)
Grady Wilson: [Calling from the kitchen] Hey Lamont, who's here?
Lamont Sanford: [Yelling back] Uncle Woodrow is here!
Grady Wilson: Who'd you say?
Lamont Sanford: [Yelling louder] Uncle Woodrow!
Grady Wilson: [Coming into the living room] That's what I thought you said.
[Turns over to the bar and starts putting the liquor bottles away]
Lamont Sanford: What are you doing?
Grady Wilson: Your father left me in charge, and he told me if your Uncle Woodrow was to come over, that I was to hide the booze from Woody the Wino.


"Sanford and Son: The Card Sharps (#2.6)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: I always believe by going by what it says in the Bible.
Lamont Sanford: What?
Fred G. Sanford: Deal unto others as they have dealt unto you.


"Sanford and Son: The Director (#5.21)" (1976)
Lamont Sanford: [Fred enters the rehearsal in flamboyant director's outfit, beret, sunglasses, etc] I don't believe it.
Fred G. Sanford: Believe it, son. It's the Otto Preminger look.


"Sanford and Son: Pot Luck (#2.22)" (1973)
Lamont Sanford: You know the number Bonnet gave me it was to a McDonald's hamburger place.
Fred G. Sanford: The question is where is Mr.Bonnet? Maybe you should call McDonald's in Rome.


"Sanford and Son: Going Out of Business (#4.6)" (1974)
Lamont Sanford: [after Fred tells Lamont how he's going to make big money by writing his autobiography] You mean to tell me you think people are gonna pay their hard-earned cash to read about "The Memoirs of Fred Sanford"?
Fred G. Sanford: I'm not gonna call it that. I've got some tricky names that I'm gonna put in there. Wanna hear 'em?
Lamont Sanford: No.
Fred G. Sanford: How about, uh, "The Junkcorcist"?
Lamont Sanford: Good night, Pop.
Fred G. Sanford: [shouting after Lamont, who has left the kitchen] I know what I'll call it. I'll name it after you - "The Day of the Jackass"!


"Sanford and Son: Sanford and Son and Sister Makes Three (#2.11)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: Hey, I dance myself.
Alice: Do you really?
Lamont Sanford: Yeah, I can do the Robot, the Good Foot, the Booty Bump, the Crutch and the Hip.
Fred G. Sanford: That don't sound like no dance; that sounds like a serious accident.


"Sanford and Son: The Kid (#2.23)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: [Offering Jason a drink as they sit down to eat] What about a beer?
Lamont Sanford: Pop, children do not drink beer.
Fred G. Sanford: What's wrong with that? It's just got some barley and some grain and stuff in it. Y'know, it's just corn flakes in a can.


"Sanford and Son: Here Comes the Bride, There Goes the Bride (#1.3)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: [All the guests are staking claim to their wedding gift in order to return them while he stands there watching incredulous] Say what are you people doing? Will you stop it?
[Whistles loudly to get their attention]
Lamont Sanford: Will you just stop it?
Fred G. Sanford: You tell 'em, son!
Lamont Sanford: [Still addressing everyone else] What is the matter with you? I don't believe you! I just got the shock of my life less than an hour ago, and what are you all doing? You're standing around here worrying about your dumb wedding presents! Well I don't wanna see you, or your presents, in my house for another second!
[Slaps the table on the second syllable of "another" for emphasis. Everyone, shocked at this, puts all their gifts back and leaves at once. Lamont then, using the tablecloth to hold all of them, carries the gifts to the door]
Lamont Sanford: That's right. I'll tell you what you can do. You can go figure out who belongs to what out in the yard!
[Throws the gifts out the door behind them]
Fred G. Sanford: [Joining in on the fun, Fred does the same thing to the food on a different table and carries it to the door] And don't say we didn't feed you!
[Tosses the food out at them, then turns and grabs the wedding cake]
Fred G. Sanford: And here's some dessert!
[Tosses the cake out. We then cut to a shot of Aunt Hazel, who got hit in the face with the cake. She takes off her glasses and glares at Fred and Lamont, who are both grinning]
Fred G. Sanford: Hazel, you never looked sweeter.
[Hazel gives him a "look", while both Fred and Lamont laugh and go back in]


"Sanford and Son: Fred Sings the Blues (#6.23)" (1977)
Lamont Sanford: Hey, Pop, why don't you face it, your songs are stupid!
Fred G. Sanford: They are not stupid. I write about real emotion. Things everyone knows and feels.
Lamont Sanford: [Looking at Fred's lyric sheet] "I Left My Heart in El Segundo"?


"Sanford and Son: The Stakeout (#6.4)" (1976)
Lamont Sanford: What's for breakfast?
Fred G. Sanford: What would you like?
Lamont Sanford: Well, I'd like to have some eggs, and some toast and some coffee.
Fred G. Sanford: Me too. We're havin' Pop Tarts and Tang.


"Sanford and Son: The Lucky Streak (#6.21)" (1977)
Lamont Sanford: Four thousand dollars by Friday or we lose the Sanford Arms.
Fred G. Sanford: I think it's farewell to Arms.


"Sanford and Son: The Headache (#4.21)" (1975)
Lamont Sanford: I've had this headache for two days, man!
Fred G. Sanford: Well, listen, son, maybe I can diagnose your case.
Lamont Sanford: What?
Fred G. Sanford: I watch Dr. Woodfield on "Death Valley Hospital" all the time, and maybe I can help you.
Lamont Sanford: Well, go ahead. I'll try anything to get rid of this headache.
Fred G. Sanford: Alright, then, well, would you get up on the table, miss?
Lamont Sanford: What are you talking about?
Fred G. Sanford: Well, you see, Dr. Woodfield is a gynecologist.


"Sanford and Son: The Surprise Party (#4.1)" (1974)
Fred G. Sanford: Hey, Lamont, I almost forgot about you. I got you a quadriphonic stereo!
Lamont Sanford: Hey, all right!
[Hands him the headsets used on the airplane]
Lamont Sanford: Hey man, you need an airplane for these things to work.
Fred G. Sanford: No, you don't. Put them on.
[Lamont does, then Fred starts singing the Ink Spots into the other end]
Fred G. Sanford: And would I be sure...
Lamont Sanford: [Yanks the headsets off, then pulls the other end out of Fred's hand and he stops singing] What kind of gift is this to give your son?
Aunt Esther Anderson: Yup, that's him.
[sounding like a bird]
Aunt Esther Anderson: Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!
Fred G. Sanford: [Smiling] Hey listen to that? The sound of a chicken coming from a buzzard.
Aunt Esther Anderson: That's does it.
[Jumps up to attack Fred with her purse, and they all scrimmage to keep them apart]


"Sanford and Son: Lamont in Love (#5.18)" (1976)
Lamont Sanford: Is this gonna be one of those conversations about the facts of life?
Fred G. Sanford: Yes.
Lamont Sanford: Whetre you tell me about the birds and the bees?
Fred G. Sanford: No. I want you to tell me about the bids and the bees, 'cause I ain't been stung in years.


"Sanford and Son: The Barracuda (#1.10)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: [Citing the benefits of marrying a nurse] If I need anything from the surgical supply store, she can get it for me at a discount.
Lamont Sanford: How romantic! I can see the two of y'all shopping for your honeymoon, buying rubber stockings and orthopaedic shoes.


"Sanford and Son: The Blind Mellow Jelly Collection (#3.10)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: Wait a minute, Bubba! Don't sit down there!
Bubba Bexley: What? What'd I do?
Fred G. Sanford: It's not what you did, it's what you were about to do.You nearly sat on the last Blind Mellow Jelly Album on the whole West Coast!
Bubba Bexley: Boy, I'm sure glad you stopped me, Fred.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, if you'd have sat on that record your name would've been Mudd!
[Moves the record]
Fred G. Sanford: Now sit down.
[Fred sits down, a loud crack is heard. Fred looks sick]
Lamont Sanford: Bubba, I'd like you to meet my father, Mr. Mudd.


"Sanford and Son: Aunt Esther Meets Her Son (#6.12)" (1976)
Daniel: [to Lamont, referring to Esther throwing him out] She told me, "Get out of my house, heathen!"
Fred G. Sanford: [Butting in] That'll do it.
Lamont Sanford: Why? What happened?
Daniel: I just told her I didn't believe in God, that's all.
Fred G. Sanford: That's all? Telling Esther there's no God is like telling Jimmy Carter there's no more toothpaste!


"Sanford and Son: The Reverend Sanford (#6.18)" (1977)
Lamont Sanford: Where have you been?
Fred G. Sanford: [Piously] I've been in the chapel, meditating.
Lamont Sanford: We thought you fell in and baptized yourself.