Dan Fielding
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Quotes for
Dan Fielding (Character)
from "Night Court" (1984)

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"Night Court: No Hard Feelings (#5.8)" (1987)
[Dan breaks down crying the night after his date]
Dan Fielding: Women.
Harry Stone: So, who was it last night? The Soviet gymnast?
Mac Robinson: The farmer's daughter?
Bull Shannon: One of those rubber-jointed ladies from the freak shows that like to be handcuffed and thrown around the room by their ponytails, screaming for mercy until they black out?
[Stares from everyone]
Bull Shannon: What?

Harry Stone: Come on, Dan. You can't let this get to you. Come on, every red-blooded American male has had to face this problem at one time or another in his life.
Dan Fielding: Has it ever happened to you?
Harry Stone: [jerks back, stung] Hell, no!
Bull Shannon: Take heart, Dan, this happens to every guy sooner or later.
Dan Fielding: Has it ever happened to you?
Bull Shannon: [jerks back, stung] Hell, no!
Dan Fielding: Excuse me.
[He exits, passing Mac as he comes in]
Dan Fielding: H-?
Mac Robinson: Hell, no!

Dan Fielding: Excuse me, anything for me?
Joy Buscaglia: Yeah, your doctor phoned and said your tests came out negative.
Dan Fielding: Are you sure?
Joy Buscaglia: Hey, it's a poor musician who blames his instrument.

[At his job interview, Dan finds that the hiring partner only wants him for an office gigolo]
Dan Fielding: You think you can call me in here, play your little bedroom games, take shots at my manhood? That's fine! I get that all the time! All right, maybe I wasn't able to afford some snooty Ivy League education. But let me tell you something. When you get your degree from the Bayou Academy of Law & Agriculture, you learn something else: a fighting sow-belly has to WORK for what he wants! Can't be afraid to get your snout dirty! You know, I live the law every day. In the courts and the jails of New York City. And I may have barf in my cuffs when I come home at night. But that's the way I like it.
Dan Fielding: That's why I have the highest conviction rate of any DA in this city. And that's why I have the lowest percentage of overturned cases! And that's why you can say anything you want to about my manhood, but nobody, lady - NOBODY - can touch Dan Fielding in a court of law.
[throws off his jacket]
Dan Fielding: Or for that matter, anywhere else!
Toni Corbin: You mean...?
Dan Fielding: [yanks off his tie] I mean, hold on to your Dixie Cups, babes! THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!

Dan Fielding: Let's face it, Harry. I'm all washed up.
Harry Stone: Come on, Dan, so you...
Dan Fielding: Say it.
Harry Stone: You...
Dan Fielding: Come on, man, say it!
Harry Stone: You had a little trouble launching the ol' Love Boat.
Dan Fielding: We are talking stuck in drydock, Harry!

[the staff enters Harry's office near the end of recess]
Bull Shannon: Hey.
Harry Stone: You guys ready to do it?
Roz Russell: Some more than others.
Dan Fielding: You know, I'm really glad that my personal life is suddenly everybody's business!
Roz Russell: Hey, don't get testy with me just 'cause your Dow Jones average hit a slump.

Christine Sullivan: Dan, you know there are several books on this subject that might be of some use to you.
Dan Fielding: Such as?
Christine Sullivan: [as everyone turns their gaze on her] Well..."The Little Engine That Could."

"Night Court: Dan's Boss (#3.7)" (1985)
[to District Attorney Daniels, a midget]
Dan Fielding: Vincent, I am truly sorry for everything that I said and did. You may shoot me in the vital organ of your choice.
Vincent Daniels: Apology accepted. I'll get back to you on which organ.

Dan Fielding: You're taking me back?
Vincent Daniels: Yes. Because I think you're being sincere. Also, I've seen your conviction record. You're good.
[Dan looks gratified]
Vincent Daniels: But most of all I'm taking you back because it will give me the opportunity to make your life a LIVING HELL! You think you're a tough customer? Well, move over, Buster! Because I'm the toughest, I'm the meanest, I'm the nastiest little man God ever put on this earth! I'm going to make you run, I'm going to make you jump, I am going to make you slither on the ground like a snake!
Dan Fielding: GOD BLESS YOU!
[Dan hugs him, then leaves]
Vincent Daniels: I don't understand him.
Harry Stone: Neither do I. But together we can have some fun abusing him until we do.

Dan Fielding: Look, I am sorry you were born... that way.
Vincent Daniels: That's exactly what my father said. Just before he left.
Harry Stone: Your father left?
Vincent Daniels: I guess it was rough on him. His friends' sons played baseball. His carried the water bucket. His friends' sons played football. His carried the water bucket. To this day, I go crazy every time I go by a drinking fountain!

Dan Fielding: You mean your father walked out on you just because you were... petite?
Vincent Daniels: The night before he left, I heard him tell my mother that it was his fault. He said that I was a punishment from God. But my mother was a intelligent and caring woman. And she finally explained it to me, that it wasn't my inadequacies he couldn't deal with.
[He looks Dan square in the eye]
Vincent Daniels: It was his own.

[Dan feels guilty]
Dan Fielding: Is it true you can hang yourself with your own belt?
Harry Stone: You can do it with your own words.

Dan Fielding: Harry, don't you understand that it is a matter of dignity?
Harry Stone: Oh, I know that. You are in need of some.

"Night Court: Giving Thanks (#4.2)" (1986)
Christine Sullivan: Dan, I can't sleep with you!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I understand. There's no reason you should feel obligated.
Christine Sullivan: There isn't?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: No, of course not. I mean, after all, what did I do but... grab you from the jaws of death, moments before an agonizing demise?

[Dan's assignation with Christine is interrupted by a jumper on the balcony]
Christine Sullivan: What are you doing out there?
Cyril Phelps: Isn't it obvious? I'm plunging to my death!
Christine Sullivan: You can't do that!
Cyril Phelps: Why?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yeah, why?

Christine Sullivan: Mr. Phelps, why are you doing this?
Cyril Phelps: Because, uh, I'm thirty-eight years old...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [pouring a glass of champagne] Well, so am I!
Cyril Phelps: And I'm a virgin.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [lifts the glass] Happy landings.

Harry Stone: [Reading instructions] Step 1, give a swift blow to the victim's back. Step 2, remove any foreign object from the victim's mouth.
Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: Step 3, loosen constrictive clothing.
[All eyes go to Dan]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Christine looks beneath her coat, and shrieks. Dan pulls out her garments] Better to be safe than sorry.

Christine Sullivan: Dan, you saved my life.
Harry Stone: Miss Sullivan, he felt you up.
Christine Sullivan: Dan, how can I possibly repay you?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Initially laughs it off, until... ] Sleep with me.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Ow!
[everyone looks at him]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, I'm fine, it's okay, never mind. I must have just pulled my back out when I carried Christine's prone, lifeless body to safety.

"Night Court: Inside Harry Stone (#2.9)" (1984)
Papa Jack: Everybody calls me 'Papa Jack.'
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Why?
Papa Jack: Why?
[laughs like it's a ridiculous question, but abruptly stops to wonder]
Papa Jack: I don't know why.

Public Defender Billie Young: [wondering if Harry likes the 'specialty' of the restaurant] So, what's the verdict?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [after Harry dashes from the table with stomach pain] Manslaughter.

Gynecologist: How often do you get these pains, Judge?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Every now and then.
Gynecologist: Once a week? Once a day?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: We'll want to know when they're five minutes apart, Harry.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Sir, if anything should happen to you...
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: I'll see you get my parking space.

Dr. Glass: The sooner we pull it out, the better.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Pull what out?
Dr. Glass: [shining a light through the x-ray] There it is, right there.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Tumor?
Bailiff Selma Hacker: Ulcer?
Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Whistle?
Dr. Glass: [points to Bull] We have a winner.
Public Defender Billie Young: It's a whistle?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: That's where it is. I must have swallowed it.
Dr. Glass: That would be my guess, yes.

[Papa Jack brings a basket of squid on fire to the table]
Papa Jack: I hope that everybody's hungry.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, boy, my favorite. Fire.

"Night Court: The Blizzard (#2.10)" (1984)
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: We of the warm-blooded variety feel an adjournment is in order.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You mean shut down?
[Dan nods; Harry looks at Mac, who also nods, then:]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Nah!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You've got about seventeen layers of clothes on under that robe, haven't you, sir?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: It's good to be the king.

[Dan heads for the elevator, where another man is already waiting. The doors open, and the man steps on, turning around - it's Wilson]
Warren Wilson: Going my way?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [stepping on] I'm ROTC combat-trained.
Warren Wilson: Special Forces, Advanced Infantry - Airborne.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: [after a dog case] You think it's okay if I give him a bone?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Well, if you're sure you're done with it.

Warren Wilson: I just want you to know, there's no hard feelings. I know you were just doing your job.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Got it.
Warren Wilson: My I say something else?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Shoot.
Warren Wilson: I find you very attractive.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [this prompts Dan to tear his briefcase in two] What?
Warren Wilson: I just feel attracted to you. I just thought you should know.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You mean you're...?
Warren Wilson: Aren't you?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: That Wilson guy... he's gay.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: And?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: And...
[he starts to laugh]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: And, he thought I was.
Art Fensterman: Are you?

Warren Wilson: Are you really that stupid?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: That's for me to know and for you to find out.

"Night Court: Dan's Operation: Part 2 (#4.6)" (1986)
Dan Fielding: Harry, do you know how many women I have slept with?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Dan, it doesn't matter how many women you've slept with!
Judge Harry T. Stone: A hundred?
Dan Fielding: You ever see the signs over the golden arches that say, "over 4 billion served"? Let's just say I'm competitive.

Phil Sanders: [Bursts into Dan's room] Dan! I...
Dan Fielding: Oh, Phil, spit it out.
Phil Sanders: [Kneels bedside Dan's bed] Dan, uh...
[starts sobbing on Dan's arm]
Dan Fielding: I didn't mean that literally.
Phil Sanders: I'm so happy that you're okay.
Judge Harry T. Stone: You know, Dan, you owe quite a debt to Phil.
Dan Fielding: What are you talking about?
Judge Harry T. Stone: You needed a transfusion and none of us matched your type, so...
Dan Fielding: Oh, no!
Phil Sanders: I'm coursing through your veins even as we speak, Dan.
Dan Fielding: Oh, my God!
Phil Sanders: It's beautiful, isn't it? I am you. You are me.
Dan Fielding: Yeah, now we both got hookworm! I want you and your green, furry teeth outta here!
Phil Sanders: [Turns to Harry] He's gonna be just fine.
[leaves the room]
Dan Fielding: Ah, I can feel the Sterno pumping through my veins.

Dan Fielding: You don't get it, do you? Listen to me. No one is ever going to love me. No one is ever going to say "I love you", and do you know why? Because in order to be loved one must be able to - give... and I . can't . give. I can not. I have never been able to give. And I don't... know why.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Dan Fielding, you're decent. Admit it!
Dan Fielding: I will not!

[after Harry says, "I love you" to him, then turns to leave]
Dan Fielding: Harry, I l... I l...
Mr. Feldman: [pulls the curtain aside] You love him too! Spit it out!
[Dan just looks at him]
Mr. Feldman: Oh please, allow me.
[closes the curtain on himself]
Dan Fielding: There, I said it.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [smiles] Yeah, you did. Now try and say it to yourself.

"Night Court: Mac's Dilemma (#5.6)" (1987)
Dan Fielding: This is Horace Jenkins, Your Honor. Assault with intent to commit bodily harm.
Hondo Jenkins: What other kind is there?
Dan Fielding: Mr. Jenkins got into an argument with a patron at the Monte Carlo lounge, and attacked him with a blunt instrument, specifically, the manager.

Dan Fielding: Mr. Shibata was caught "rolling for dollars" with these three rarely-upstanding women.
Judge Harry T. Stone: All three? That's illegal... and quite impressive.
Dan Fielding: When he was apprehended, he had a fifty-gallon drum of soy sauce, and they were in the middle of something called the "Sukiyaki Slam-Bam."
Christine Sullivan: Uh, sir, while neighbors and adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours, I believe that...
Dan Fielding, Judge Harry T. Stone, Mac Robinson: SEVEN HOURS?
[Mr. Shibata gives a short Japanese bow; Mac, Harry, and Dan all bow lower]

[the defendant is a Japanese businessman who cavorted with three prostitutes for seven straight hours]
Dan Fielding: My God, man, how do you do it?
Mr. Shibata: [thumps his chest] Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters, and sit in a barrel of pickle brine!
Dan Fielding: [to stenographer] You got that?
[she nods]

Dan Fielding: [explaining a diagram to a woman] Now, my little mountain drop, no matter how much you sweat, hold on to the handlebars.

Judge Harry T. Stone: How the hell do you lose a dead body?
Bull Shannon: He outsmarted me, sir.
Dan Fielding: I don't think any further explanation is necessary.

"Night Court: The Blues of the Birth (#7.24)" (1990)
[Christine is stuck in the elevator, in labor]
Harry Stone: Is there room for a person to lie down in there?
Dan Fielding: Full-grown man, two women, and a midget with a camera.

Harry Stone: I don't know how much time we have, Bull. See if you can find a doctor anywhere in the building!
Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Right!
[runs off]
Harry Stone: And Roz, you go find someone who can fix this elevator!
Bailiff Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell: Uh-uh. Christine needs me. I'm her Lamaze coach, remember?
[Christine yells again from inside the elevator]
Dan Fielding: I'll go, I'll go! But promise me you'll tell me if she uses any four-letter words!

Christine Sullivan: Well, Dan, all I can say is, I am not afraid of a little pain.
Dan Fielding: Well, whatever you say, Christine...
[Christine gasps and seizes Dan's wrist in a death grip]
Buddy Ryan: Ah, the love theme from "Psycho."

[not knowing she's in labor, Tony proposes to Christine while she's trapped in the elevator]
Christine Sullivan: YES!
Tony Giuliano: Christine, that's terrific! So you'll be my wife?
Christine Sullivan: I'M GONNA HAVE YOUR BABY!
Tony Giuliano: Of course you are! Someday.
Dan Fielding: How's today sound?
[another scream of pain]
Tony Giuliano: You mean, she's...?
[everyone nods]
Tony Giuliano: Mine?
[everyone nods]
Tony Giuliano: But we only, uh... got together once.
Entire Crowd: We know.

Woman: [the elevator is broken. To the crew] You'll have to wait. There's some pregnant woman stuck in the elevator.
Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Oh no, that means Christine had to take the stairs!
Dan Fielding: You *almost* know what's going on, don't you?

"Night Court: Murder (#4.12)" (1987)
Dan Fielding: [Dan found out that the two weeks he spent abstaining from sex as part of a sperm donor program was unnecessary] I haven't had sex in two weeks.
[He begins looking obsessively around the cafeteria]
Roz Russell: Run for your lives girls!
[All females flee the cafeteria. Dan still looks around obsessively]
Harry Stone: Better safe than sorry guys!
[All males flee]

Alice Beeker: Interested in becoming a donor?
Dan Fielding: No, my motto is "Love the one you're with unless it's a jar."
Alice Beeker: Are you sure?
Dan Fielding: Lady, why would anyone degrade themselves like that?
Alice Beeker: For a hundred bucks a throw. Two or three times a week.
Dan Fielding: [Calculates in his head] That's twelve hundred a month. I could defile myself into a Porsche by the end of the year.
Alice Beeker: Zoom, zoom, zoom.

Alice Beeker: [In the cafeteria] We can save time by filling out this questionnaire here. So you can make your first deposit tonight.
Dan Fielding: It'll be my pleasure.
Alice Beeker: [Not impressed] All finished?
Dan Fielding: Yeah.
Alice Beeker: Fine. Now... have you ever donated before?
Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Yes, he gave at the office.
Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: I'm never gonna get through this.
[stands up and walks away]
Dan Fielding: No, I haven't.
Alice Beeker: Have you ever had a semen analysis?
Dan Fielding: You mean by a professional? Negative on that too, babe.
Alice Beeker: Now... let's get into your underwear. What kind do you wear?
Dan Fielding: [Everyone in the cafeteria looks at Dan then Dan looks at everyone] Men's! Uh, look, Miss Beeker is all of this necessary, all of this here?
Alice Beeker: I'm afraid so, Mr. Fielding. In fact, it gets even more personal. You see, we have to delve into every aspect and detail of your sex live as part of the screening process.
Dan Fielding: You really enjoy your work, don't you?
Alice Beeker: Immensely.

Dan Fielding: [Enters courtroom angrily at Miss Beeker] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!
Alice Beeker: Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.
Dan Fielding: Not to me, it doesn't!
Christine Sullivan: Dan, what happened?
Dan Fielding: They rejected me.
Alice Beeker: Many are called, but few are frozen.
Christine Sullivan: They rejected you? Why?
Alice Beeker: His sperm is slow and immature.
Christine Sullivan: [fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.
Dan Fielding: That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?
Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: [excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria!
[runs out of the courtroom]
Harry Stone: Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?
Alice Beeker: Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.
Harry Stone: Which are?
Alice Beeker: Sixty million per cc.
Dan Fielding: I demand a recount!
Alice Beeker: You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?
Dan Fielding: [hesitates a few seconds] What time is it now?
Alice Beeker: It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.
Harry Stone: From sex?
Christine Sullivan: Dan?
Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.

Alice Beeker: Mr. Fielding?
Dan Fielding: Well, if it isn't the Mistress of the Mason Jar. I said I'd be down there in the morning.
Alice Beeker: That's why I stopped by. It won't be necessary.
Dan Fielding: What are you talking about?
Alice Beeker: Turns out, we made a mistake.
Dan Fielding: Huh!
Alice Beeker: It was a new man in the analysis section. He mixed up you test results with those of another person.
Dan Fielding: So what you're saying is...
Alice Beeker: Your sperm is just dandy. Bye.
Dan Fielding: Just like that? Wham, bam, thank you, Dan?

"Night Court: Constitution: Part 2 (#5.10)" (1987)
Dr. Townsend: [after Bull fell off the roof while trying to get to Roz] Oh, thank God he caught the flagpole.
Dan Fielding: Too bad he didn't catch it with his hands.
Christine Sullivan: [calling down to him] Bull, are you all right?
Bull Shannon: [high voice] Can I get back to you on that?

Roz Russell: [a delirious Roz realizes Dan is not her papa] Papa I... Hey you're not my papa!
Dan Fielding: That's right.
[shows her the needle]
Dan Fielding: And this ain't no ice cream cone.

Roz Russell: [after recovering from her insulin shock] You're a good friend, Dan, and I love you. Thank you for saving my life.
[she gently kisses his bruised cheek]
Dan Fielding: [smiling] I saw your butt.

[Dan tells Roz's doctor to give him the insulin shot]
Dan Fielding: How do I use this?
Dr. Townsend: You have to stick it in her buttocks.
Dan Fielding: Dan Fielding: Up Close and Personal.

Roz Russell: [on the courthouse rooftop] What's that behind your back, Dan?
[he's hiding an insulin syringe that he needs to inject into Roz's butt]
Dan Fielding: [looks behind himself] New Jersey.

"Night Court: Dan's Parents (#2.13)" (1985)
Dan Fielding: [talking about his parents] Those people represent everything I have fought to get away from my entire life.
Harry Stone: Dan, they can't be that bad.
Dan Fielding: My God, Harry! They're *Democrats*!
Harry Stone: ...I stand corrected.

[after Dan has made up with his parents]
Dan Fielding: Hey listen, everybody, after work what say we go out and get some real food?
Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: Real food?
Dan Fielding: Yeah, I know this 24-hour Creole place over on Lexington. They got chicken feet.
Bob Elmore: No!
Dan Fielding: Yeah, I go there quite a lot.
[off everyone's looks]
Dan Fielding: Yes, I eat chicken feet. And I *like* it.

Dan Fielding: My father is a dirt farmer.
Harry Stone: Dan, farming is noble...
Dan Fielding: No crops, Harry, he farms *dirt*! Sure, maybe a few rocks now and again.
Harry Stone: And I suppose he never tried to do any better?
Dan Fielding: Yeah, sure he tried, and he always failed. Year after year after year, but nothing ever grew! That's not persistence that's stupid.
Harry Stone: Dan, it's true that I don't know everything about your father, but from what I do know, "stupid" is not a word I'd use to describe him! And I think you're a pompous ass for saying so!
Dan Fielding: That may be! But it doesn't mean it isn't true.

Harry Stone: I'll see you in my office, Counselor.
Dan Fielding: Yes, sir.
[Harry rises, and Dan follows him out. Billie starts to follow them, but Dan turns]
Dan Fielding: I'd rather be raked over the coals alone, if you don't mind.

"Night Court: Hit the Road, Jack (#5.13)" (1988)
Harry Stone: And what's the people's problem with Papaya Patty, Mr. Prosecutor?
Dan Fielding: Papaya Patty was pinched for panhandling in a public park.
Harry Stone: Pshaw! Well, Mr. Prosecutor, shall we pass along Papaya Patty's problem to Public Housing?
Dan Fielding: Perfect, partner.
Harry Stone: Recess!
[bangs gavel]

Christine Sullivan: My personal life is my own business.
Dan Fielding: Here's a list of all the dates your daughter's had in the last six months. They're cross-referenced as to age, occupation, and what time they got home.
Jack Sullivan: Good man, Fielding.
Christine Sullivan: What is this? Why does everyone think they have a right to pry into my private affairs?
Dan Fielding: Well, shove an ice pick up our noses for caring about you!
Jack Sullivan: I couldn't have said it better myself, Dan.
Dan Fielding: Jack listen. I just want to take this opportunity to wish you a glorious and joyous sojourn into retirement.
[Salutes Jack]
Dan Fielding: Bon voyage, cabbie.
Jack Sullivan: Thank you, buddy. You're a wonderful, caring human being.
[Dan takes this opportunity to hug Jack and immaturely stick his tongue out at Christine]

Christine Sullivan: [Christine's upset that Dan's hanging out at her apartment as Jack's friend] I suspect he's been poking through my dresser drawers.
Dan Fielding: That is an unsubstantiated assault upon my good name.
[to Harry]
Dan Fielding: The woman uses a bra tree.
Harry Stone: Is it wood or that new space-age plastic?
Christine Sullivan: Stop it! I will not have my underwear dragged through the gutter!
Dan Fielding: Too late.
Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: You know, I hate to disturb this stroll down mammary lane, but our defendants are guaranteed a speedy trial.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: [Dan groans from beneath the bearded lady] It's Dan!
Roz: And he's been neatly pressed! You okay, Dan? Dan? Dan!
[Dan comes to and cries out in shock]
Roz: Dan it's okay. It's all over, now. What happened?
Dan Fielding: [to Roz] I was... *Shamued*!
[a minute later, to Bull]
Dan Fielding: It was a nightmare, Bull! I came in here to check on Jack. All of a sudden, I'm eating four hundred pounds of cellulite!
Bull Shannon: But Dan it's over, now! Why are you so upset?
Dan Fielding: *Because*... I liked it!

"Night Court: Heart of Stone (#5.17)" (1988)
[pickup line]
Dan Fielding: Me Tarzan, you lucky.

Harry Stone: And, uh, Dan?
[behind Harry, Dan stops, arrested in the act of ducking out of the courtroom]
Harry Stone: If you are entertaining any thoughts about sneaking out, Bull has prepared a demonstration which I think will enlighten you.
[Roz places a bowling ball into Bull's hand. He slams his other hand down on it, crushing it to powder]
Dan Fielding: Your squish is my command.

Dolly: Oh, Danny! This is so exciting! I've never done it in a judge's office! How did you get a key?
Dan Fielding: Well, when the judge wasn't looking, I "borrowed" his and made a wax impression of it.
[They are unaware that Harry is trapped on the ledge outside, and can hear every word.]
Dolly: Oh-ho! Would he be mad if he found out?
Dan Fielding: Hey, what Howdy Doody doesn't know, won't hurt me.

[trying to explain to Leslie's husband about the confusion]
Harry Stone: And, and then this guy came in...
[turns to Dan]
Harry Stone: With a key that *Howdy Doody* did not give him!
Dan Fielding: Boy, this has been grand... but, uh, we have a clothing-optional RV show we have to get to.

"Night Court: Death Threat (#1.6)" (1984)
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your Honor, the defendant entered Blumbert's deli, went up to the counter and said, "give me an egg salad sandwich, for though I have no cash, you and all your descendants will be blessed."
God: It's better when I do it.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Blumbert was unimpressed, and told him to leave. And then he told Blumbert to "be fruitful, and multiply." But not in those words.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [as "God" is led out of the courtroom] Your Honor, pending the psychiatric evaluation, the State will move that the defendant be...
[a rock crashes through the window, making several women scream]
God: [running back in] The day of destruction is here! Rise up! Rise up, and flee!
Judge Harry T. Stone: All right, sit down! Sit down, don't flee.

[reading the death threat to Harry]
Public Defender Liz Williams: Well, a person would have to be seriously deranged to do this stuff!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [sarcastic] Know anyone like that in Manhattan?

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Sorry, Your Honor. I ran downstairs to catch him, but I must have just missed him.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You ran down eighteen flights of stairs?
Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Yeah. I figured that whoever threw the rock through the window would have to come down the fire escape and onto the street.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Right.
Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Then I figured the sight of someone like me barreling out of the courthouse would cause him to panic and flee, and then I'd nab him.
Court Clerk Lana Wagner: So what happened?
Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: *Everyone* panicked and fled!

"Night Court: Her Honor: Part 1 (#4.21)" (1987)
Mac Robinson: They were picked up on a 509-B violation, sir.
Judge Harry T. Stone: 509?
Mac Robinson: Uh-huh.
Judge Harry T. Stone: B?
Mac Robinson: Yep.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.
Dan Fielding: Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It refers to the illegal detonation of... poultry.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more widely-used explosives.

Christine Sullivan: Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg-farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a propane-powered incubator.
Judge Harry T. Stone: So all the would-be chicks are now...
Dan Fielding: Quiche, yes sir.

Dan Fielding: Wait a minute, you're carrying 250,000 bucks around in a coffee can?
Bob Wheeler: No, just half of it. June's hiding the rest in her brassiere.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Looks like June is busting out all over.

Mac Robinson: Dan, you know, I could call a friend of mine at the committee office to see if you made the list.
Dan Fielding: That would be great!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Mac, is there anyplace on this planet where you don't have a friend working?
[a Samoan man in grass skirts runs in]
Man: Here's that file you wanted, Mac.
[He runs out. Everyone turns to Mac]
Mac Robinson: Manu Hanrulima.
Mac Robinson: "Biff" to his friends.

"Night Court: The Game Show (#6.15)" (1989)
Dan Fielding: [not realizing Bull has already won, Dan rushes onstage to issue the post-hypnotic phrase] Bull! "I want to be your love slave!"
Chuck Fleck: Sir! Mr. Shannon just won! And we're on the air live, you pervert!
Dan Fielding: [extreme close-up of Dan in a frenzy] Aaauuugghh!

News Anchorwoman: Once again, State Assembly Candidate Dan Fielding has made potentially embarrassing statements on live television. When asked to explain his actions he had this to say.
Dan Fielding: Well, I have pieced it together, and it seems I was kidnapped and drugged by... Soviet agents.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: [Bull's in a suggestible state. Mac urges Dan to finish Bull's hypnosis] Dan you better move it before Judge Wilbur comes back and snaps your head off.
Dan Fielding: [laughs mockingly] Judge Wilbur. I wish someone would twist that old bag's head off.
[Bull makes a strangulation gesture]
Dan Fielding: Or better yet stuff her down the mail chute.
[Bull nods and goes in search of Judge Wilbur]

[in a holding cell]
Chip Coderko: What're you in for?
Dan Fielding: Uh, contempt of court. You?
Chip Coderko: Oh, we're just in for a little terror-and-mayhem spree 'tween here and South Carolina.
Dale Coderko: [jauntily] Eight robberies, six stolen cars, four kidnappings, and three mini marts... *burned to the ground*!

"Night Court: The Next Voice You Hear... (#4.1)" (1986)
Bull Shannon: This is Rozalind Russell.
Dan Fielding: Hello! I'm Mr. Ed!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Rozalind Russell, that's a neat name.
Roz Russell: My mother was a show business freak.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Ah.
Roz Russell: I do consider myself more fortunate than my sister, Zsa Zsa.
Christine Sullivan: Oh, the poor thing.
Roz Russell: That's what my brother says.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Your brother...?
Roz Russell: Slappy.
[a few minutes later, when Harry receives his mother's letter]
Bull Shannon: Harry's mother left him when he was a child. He hasn't seen her in thirty years.
Roz Russell: My brother hasn't seen my mother in thirty years.
Bull Shannon: Your brother...?
Roz Russell: Topo Gigio.

Dan Fielding: [enters Harry's office and sees Buddy] Harry I- oh, I'm sorry. You're busy massaging a man in a cheap suit.

Dan Fielding: [heard that Harry's mother is deceased. Harry's chair is facing away] Sir, I'm so very sorry. You have my deepest condolences.
[Harry turns his chair around, revealing he's wearing a ridiculous mask]
Dan Fielding: Obviously you're taking it very well.

Dennis: [Christine explained to Dan that Harry wants to be left alone for a bit. Dennis Small, a ventriloquist without a dummy, has been refusing to move his lips. He tries to be polite to Christine] You sound upset. Is there anything I can do?
Dan Fielding: Yeah. Why don't you throw your voice into the elevator shaft and follow it?

"Night Court: Hurricane: Part 2 (#3.22)" (1986)
Dan Fielding: Tommy get me some surgical gloves.
Officer Tommy: From where?
Dan Fielding: My briefcase, top pocket.
[Smiles at Benet Collins]
Dan Fielding: Great, now I can deduct them.

Dan Fielding: You see, my parents were... rural.
Benet Collins: My parents were rural.
Dan Fielding: They kept the pigs in my room. I was six before I realized they weren't related to me.

[Dan is assisting a woman in labor]
Benet Collins: Try pulling a Cabbage Patch Doll through your nostrils, see what kind of sound you make!
Dan Fielding: That's it, just let it all out.
Benet Collins: Oh, if you don't like it, you can leave! I told you before, I don't need anyone!
Dan Fielding: Oh fine, I'll just go get you a mirror and some salad tongs, and you can do this yourself.

Benet Collins: [wanting to know the sex of the baby] What is it?
Officer Tommy: [innocently states the obvious] It's a baby. And it's naked.
Dan Fielding: It's a boy.
[takes another look]
Dan Fielding: He's got a promising future.

"Night Court: Wheels of Justice: Part 2 (#3.10)" (1985)
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: So, you're not a judge, anymore?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: That's right.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You twerp!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [further yelling at Harry for quitting] Why don't you just shut your beanie little face!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: So you had a couple of bad nights...
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: It wasn't just a couple of bad nights, Dan! A kid got shot! You tell me, that if I go back there, that's not gonna happen again.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: It will happen again... eventually.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [after returning to the bench] I owe you big, counselor.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: It was my pleasure, sir.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: No I mean it. From the bottom of my heart, to the tip...
[grabs Dan by the collar and in a threatening tone]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: of my beanie little face!

"Night Court: Futureman (#7.14)" (1990)
Bull Shannon: Anybody know a cure for hiccups? *hic*
Dan Fielding: Yes, staple your lips together.
Bull Shannon: That didn't work *hic*

Christine Sullivan: Your Honor, my client was merely trying to get in to see the mayor.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Why was that?
VHK-937: [in a heroic pose] I'm here to save the world from the forces of evil!
Dan Fielding: [mocking VHK's pose] Well you can't, so there!

Judge Harry T. Stone: Surely, murder is not the only answer.
VHK-937: Alright. We'll give them a choice.
[to Dan and the Montez bros]
VHK-937: Death or castration?
Dan Fielding, Chico Montez, Pico Montez: [brief pause, but the obvious answer] Death.

Dan Fielding: [running a lint roller along the inside of his suit's pants thigh] Admit it: this arouses you, doesn't it?
Christine Sullivan: [deadpan] Oh, yes. I can barely restrain myself from leaping out of my chair and ravishing you right here, you Nordic god.

"Night Court: This Old Man (#6.16)" (1989)
[last lines]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [sees an envelope] All right, hallelujah! Cynthia Dalbey! The fruits of compromise. This is just the grease we need to get the Fielding campaign machine roaring again!
Christine Sullivan: I can't believe you spent the night with that woman just for a campaign contribution.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I did it for the people.
[opens the envelope and looks at the check]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: *Twenty bucks*? Who does that overstuffed potato think I am?
Rosalind 'Roz' Russell: [reading a note that came with the check] This might explain it. "Dear Dan, you're no Jack Kennedy."

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Ted, did Christine happen to tell you I'm running for state assembly?
Ted: Yes, and I plan on giving you every consideration.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Damn it, man, I need *money*!
Ted: I'm sorry, I make it a policy never to involve myself in political campaigns. When you're in land development, it looks like you're currying favor.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Hey, if I'm elected, I promise I won't do anything for you.

[after turning down Dan's request for a campaign contribution]
Ted: I'm sure you'll find support somewhere.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You bet I will! Let me tell you something, I wouldn't be running for public office if I didn't think there was somebody out there who would want to buy me!

"Night Court: Death of a Bailiff (#5.3)" (1987)
Dan Fielding: Yes, I think it's sunk through the first four or five layers...
[Bull slaps forehead]
Dan Fielding: We have comprehension.

[Bull was just struck by lightning. He is found on the couch, his clothes still smoking]
Harry Stone: Bull!
Bull Shannon: Mind if I smoke?
Christine Sullivan: Doctor, is he all right?
Doctor: That depends. What did he look like before?
Mac Robinson: Just like that.
Doctor: Well, then he's fine. Spooky, but fine.
Harry Stone: Fine? Art said his heart stopped beating.
Doctor: Well yes, for a few minutes he was clinically deceased.
Bull Shannon: But I'm feeling much better now.
Dan Fielding: Really? You look dead on your feet.
[He laughs; glares from everyone]
Dan Fielding: Oh, come on. If we can't laugh at the walking dead, who can we laugh at?

[claiming to have fixed the computer's problems]
Mac Robinson: I just took all that air traffic control stuff and just wiped it right off the screen.
[a roar of engines, and landing gear can be seen passing by the window of Harry's chambers. Dan leaps to the window's ledge and looks]
Dan Fielding: [to the others] You should see the looks on their faces!

"Night Court: Danny Got His Gun: Part 3 (#6.2)" (1988)
[Dan must perform an operation on Kista for a hand-injured doctor]
Dr. Gordon Mooney: Now, start by making a small incision across her abdomen.
Dan Fielding: All right... there! That wasn't so bad.
Dr. Gordon Mooney: Nice, very nice. Now, this time, let's try to actually break the skin.
Dan Fielding: Okay... yeah, you know, this isn't so hard, it's really...
Dan Fielding: Ugh! Blood!
Dr. Gordon Mooney: [annoyed] Inside a human, well, don't that beat all?

[Dan has exposed Kista's appendix to view]
Dan Fielding: Bright red.
Dr. Gordon Mooney: That means it's inflamed. It's got to come out for sure. Now, first you have to clamp down on it.
Dan Fielding: Clamp.
[Namilama puts a clam in his hand]
Dan Fielding: No, no, *clamp*!
[She gets it right]
Dr. Gordon Mooney: Now, just be careful. You cut in the wrong place, and it's curtains for Kista.
[Ahkpa taps Dan's shoulder with a fishing spear]
Ahkpa: [smiling and shaking his head] No pressure.

Dan Fielding: [Dan, stuck with a small tribe of Eskimos in the arctic, has just finished performing surgery on an Eskimo woman. He's alone and reflecting on his lifestyle, praying that she survives] If you let Kista live, I promise I'll try to be a little better.
Dan Fielding: Oh, if you happen to get around to it...
Dan Fielding: Would you get me the hell out of here?

"Night Court: Mental Giant (#6.10)" (1989)
Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: What kinds of stuff do they ask you on those tests?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well, there are several parts to it, Bull. Personality, aptitude, IQ. For example, they might show you an ink blot
[squirts ketchup from bottle to create a blot on a napkin]
Judge Harry T. Stone: like this.
[lifts napkin]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Dan, what do you see?
Dan Fielding: [Buxom woman walks past Dan] A set of hall of fame hooters.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [Speaking of Bull's replacement for two weeks] Her name is Ursula something.
Dan Fielding: Ursula? We're getting a bailiff named Ursula?
Judge Harry T. Stone: That's what they tell me.
Dan Fielding: Yee. I picture high Scandinavian cheek bones... Stern, yet yielding blue eyes, a mane of blond hair. Kinda girl you wanna get naked with and roll around in front of a fire place.
Ursula Schmiendorf: [Old, short woman walks into Harry's office] Judge Stone, I'm Ursula.
Dan Fielding: [Notices Ursula, jumps. and screams] Aaaah!
Ursula Schmiendorf: What's with him?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Reality cramps.
Ursula Schmiendorf: Tell me about it.
Judge Harry T. Stone: So, uh, you're Ursula...
Ursula Schmiendorf: Schmiendorf.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Schmiendorf. That's German, isn't it?
Dan Fielding: Yeah, it means bad sausage.

Dr. Judith Malloy: Excuse me, Mr. Fielding.
[Speaks into microphone]
Dr. Judith Malloy: Okay, I'm ready. You can send in the next couple.
Dan Fielding: So tell me, Doc. What are you trying to do with these gauges and meters and stuff?
Dr. Judith Malloy: We are trying to isolate the trigger mechanisms that stimulate human sexual arousal.
Dan Fielding: Couple of pina coladas and my hormones will be wearing party hats, babe.
Dr. Judith Malloy: Mr. Fielding, these experiments are of a serious and professional nature.
Dan Fielding: Well, Dr. Malloy, I'll have you know that I have logged thousands of hours of field experience covering the entire range of tacto-physiokinetic responses in relation to... Whoa! Here are the naked people.
Dr. Judith Malloy: We call them subjects.
Dan Fielding: [Grabs microphone] Let the games begin!

"Night Court: Auntie Maim (#7.7)" (1989)
Sascha Minkoff: You remind me of my seventh husband, the Baron... rest his soul.
Dan Fielding: Oh? What happened to him?
Sascha Minkoff: He died the way men dream of dying... making love to me.
[Dan pretends disinterest, but after a moment, he looks around, then leans over and drops his voice]
Dan Fielding: What were you doing?
[She cups a hand to his ear and whispers]
Dan Fielding: [shocked] My god, that would generate 48 pounds of pressure per square inch!
Sascha Minkoff: Fifty if I stretch first. So, darling... care to try your luck?

Dan Fielding: Sascha? That thing you told me about... did you ever try it with any of your other husbands?
Sascha Minkoff: A few times.
Dan Fielding: And did any of them... survive?
Sascha Minkoff: Only John Wayne. But he never walked the same.
[Dan walks away quickly, then stops, and turns around]
Dan Fielding: Saddle up.

Harry Stone: [as Sascha Minkoff exits the elevator] Ms. Minkoff, here's your ring back.
Sascha Minkoff: Oh, who cares about that stupid rock.
[walks off smiling]
Harry Stone: [sees Dan stumbling around on the elevator] Dan?
Dan Fielding: [dazed] Harry?
Harry Stone: Are you all right?
Dan Fielding: I'm fine.
Dan Fielding: [in a John Wayne persona] Pilgrim. Never better.

"Night Court: Another Day in the Life (#5.16)" (1988)
[a group of old ladies stand accused of running an unlicensed phone-sex service]
Judge Harry T. Stone: I don't mean to offend you ladies, but are there really that many people who like to fantasize while talking to...
Old Lady 2: A bunch of old broads?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Okay.
Old Lady 1: Oh, they don't know how old we are. I always use a phone persona, to heighten the fantasy.
Old Lady 1: [mimes picking up a phone and talking in a sexy voice] "Hi, I'm Bent Barbara."
Dan Fielding: [looking shocked] YOU'RE BENT BARBARA?
Old Lady 2: You sound kind of familiar...
Old Lady 1: It's VICK VASELINO.
Dan Fielding: [Scottish accent] Uh, no lass, you must be mistaken.
Old Lady 1: You can't fool us, Vic. Not after sharing so many personal, intimate fantasies. So...
Old Lady 1: [pointing to Christine] You must be Christine.

[the court has to finish it's docket by midnight to save an orphanage]
Harry T. Stone: People versus?
Mac Robinson: Wagner.
Harry T. Stone: Prostitution?
Mac Robinson: Positively.
Harry T. Stone: Prosecution?
Dan Fielding: Pictures.
Christine Sullivan: Objection!
Harry T. Stone: Grounds?
Christine Sullivan: Entrapment.
Dan Fielding: Ridiculous.
Harry T. Stone: Reason?
Dan Fielding: Witnesses.
Harry T. Stone: Overruled.
Christine Sullivan: Darn.
Harry T. Stone: Plea?
Hooker: Guilty.
Harry T. Stone: Motion?
Christine Sullivan: Leniency?
Harry T. Stone: Granted.
Christine Sullivan: Fine?
Harry T. Stone: Fifty.
Christine Sullivan: Finished.
Dan Fielding: Freebie?
Hooker: Forget it!

Dan Fielding: Where the hell is Harry? He's over a minute late!
Roz Russell: What's wrong, Dan? Your date getting paid by the hour?
Dan Fielding: No. It just so happens that the assistant D.A.'s have a pool going this month to see who gets the most convictions.
Christine Sullivan: By total volume, or percentage?
Dan Fielding: Raw tonnage.
Christine Sullivan: What?
Dan Fielding: Yeah, every defendant's weight is right here on the rap sheet. Whoever convicts the most flesh by midnight wins two thousand dollars.
Mac Robinson: Talk about living off the fat of the land.

"Night Court: Author, Author (#4.3)" (1986)
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [runs to the bench] Your Honor, a sudden emergency has occurred, and forces me to ask for a recess.
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: [not looking up] Sex or money, Dan?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [feigning offense] Oh, I'm hurt! Oh, I'm offended! I mean, did it ever occur to you that I could be in pain, could be in the throes of some personal tragedy?
[Harry gives him a look]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Sex.

[after Bull has an emergency]
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Well, under the circumstances, I guess it would be appropriate to call...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: *Yes?*
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: A *short*...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yes.
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Recess.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: YES!

"Night Court: Christine's Friend (#4.17)" (1987)
[Dan and Harry are competing for the attention of Christine's college roommate, Heather]
Bull Shannon: The honorable - and sexy! - Judge Harold T. Stone presiding.
Dan Fielding: Objection!
Harry Stone: Overruled!

Christine Sullivan: Are you two done mentally undressing my friend?
Dan Fielding: Hold it a sec.

"Night Court: Dad's First Date (#3.3)" (1985)
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your Honor, the defendants are all tenants of what is called a "clothing optional" building.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Ah, they're nudists.
Mr. Lawler: No! That's an archaic term, conjuring images of airbrushed families playing volleyball in the sun! *We* are naturalists! *We* are within our rights!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: *They* were in the buffski! On the roof, in clear view of six other buildings.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: The people from that "clothing optional" building are in your office. They're staging a protest.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: *All* of them?
Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: She's in there, too, Dan.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

"Night Court: A Closer Look (#7.23)" (1990)
[discussing plea deals before session]
Dan Fielding: Mackinaw.
Christine Sullivan: Now this guy, he's a family man. Do you have to charge him with indecent exposure?
Dan Fielding: A guy shows up at a public beach wearing nothing but a hot dog bun and relish, what am I supposed to charge him with?
Christine Sullivan: Vending without a license?

Dan Fielding: Your Honor, this is the second time the defendant has been tried for robbing the Manhattan Butcher Shop.
Harry Stone: So we *meat* again. Looks like someone hasn't *loined* his lesson. Well, apparently he doesn't realize what's at *steak* here.
Harry Stone: [as the courtroom clears unamused] Hey, where you going? This is *prime* stuff.

"Night Court: Pick a Number (#2.4)" (1984)
Harry T. Stone: Bull, you look depressed.
Bull Shannon: I am. My word of the month is so obscure I can't find an opportunity to use it in conversation.
Harry T. Stone: What word is that?
Bull Shannon: "Pentimento."
Harry T. Stone: [after a beat, turns to Dan] So how about that Jets game last night, huh?
Billie Young: Bull, what exactly does pentimento mean?
Bull Shannon: It's an artistic term, referring to the reappearance of original elements that had been obliterated by a new outer appearance.
Dan Fielding: You mean like that little brown shadow on top of your head that you affectionately refer to as hair?
Bull Shannon: Good example!

[to the courtroom full of people demanding the lottery ticket]
Harry T. Stone: Last night, I witnessed perhaps the most considerate, selfless, kind act I have ever seen.
Dan Fielding: [bows his head] Thank you, Your Honor.
Harry T. Stone: [ignoring Dan] And here before me, sits the result of that kindness: the most selfish, indulgent...
[He tosses an apple to a "blind" man, who catches it reflexively, then retreats, embarrassed]
Harry T. Stone: ...*transparent* display, I have ever witnessed!

"Night Court: Hurricane: Part 1 (#3.21)" (1986)
Dan Fielding: Are we feeling a weentsy-bitsy bitchy today?

Benet Collins: I don't need any help and I don't need any pity. And I certainly don't need you.
Dan Fielding: Fine. Listen, I'll just be over there in the corner beating myself to death with a boy scout manual
Benet Collins: Let me know if you need any *help.*
Dan Fielding: Yeah, well I hope it's a boy and he grows up to be just like ME!

"Night Court: Who Was That Mashed Man? (#5.7)" (1987)
District Attorney Vincent Daniels: [on Kitty] Drives you crazy, doesn't it? So near, yet so far...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Wait a minute, is that what you're up to? You're gonna taunt me, torture me, drive me crazy?
District Attorney Vincent Daniels: Call it a hobby. Remember: one touch, and I'm cutting you off at the knees!
[He exits]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [muttering] Yeah, I'd still be taller than you, you little...

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Kitty's been aggressively teasing him] No. And nothing will change my mind.
Kitty: Not even these pictures I took in the photo booth in the lobby?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [looks at them, then gasps in shock] My God! How did you get the stool that high?

"Night Court: The Cop and the Lady (#7.3)" (1989)
[after the staff reads Dan's death threat, a bum walks into Harry's office, reaching into his coat]
Tony Giuliano: I'm looking for Fielding...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: IT'S HIM, HE'S GOT A GUN!
[He dives behind Harry's couch while Christine sprays the bum in the eyes]
Christine Sullivan: Eat mace, bozo!
Tony Giuliano: Ah, geez, lady, I'm a cop!
[shows his badge]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You must be Detective Giuliano. I'm Judge Stone, the lump behind the couch is Dan Fielding. Of course you already met the lovely Christine Sullivan.
Tony Giuliano: [still blinking off the mace] Charmed.
Christine Sullivan: Well, what was I supposed to think? You have... doggie doo on your shoes.
Tony Giuliano: I'm undercover, I put it there!

Christine Sullivan: [Dan disguised as a nun walks past Christine] Sister?
[Dan crouches to the floor]
Christine Sullivan: Sister please, I have a confession to make of a personal nature.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Speaks in a high-pitched voice] Oh, well, why don't we come sit down over here, my child.
[They sit on a bench seat]
Christine Sullivan: Thank you, sister. Oh, I'm ashamed to say that I have just had an impulsive carnal liaison with a man.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Whoo! Yes, well, my child, tell me, all about it.
Christine Sullivan: Well, the worst part is I was weak when a friend's life was in danger.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yes, tut-tut, now, about this liaison, um, I need details for true forgiveness.
Christine Sullivan: I don't know where to start.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Were you naked?
Christine Sullivan: No! No. We just kissed.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, I see, my child. Did he stick his tongue down your throat?
Christine Sullivan: [Perplexed at the question, looks toward Dan] What?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Christine continues looking] Did he make balloon animals out of your panties?
Christine Sullivan: [Pulls back one side of the black veil] Dan! Dan Fielding, you big pervert!
[starts whaling on Dan and walks away]

"Night Court: Strange Bedfellows (#6.17)" (1989)
Christine Sullivan: Dan, there's a woman here who would like to meet you.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Never laid a finger on her, I wasn't even there.
Christine Sullivan: Dan Fielding, meet Joan Hobson.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: What?
[gets up and notices her]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Hi... you're not nearly as repulsive-looking as you seem on your campaign posters.
Joan Hobson: You know, it's funny you should say that, Dan. Because in person, your hair doesn't look that much like attic insulation.

[Dan is lying in bed with his political opponent, Joan Hobson]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, baby... call me a "tool of the special interests" again.

"Night Court: Best of Friends (#3.6)" (1985)
Dan Fielding: Hey! I have had every woman in this building! I have had stewardesses from 14 foreign countries! I have had den mothers!

Dan Fielding: I've had every woman in this building! I've had stewardesses from fourteen different foreign countries. I have had den mothers.

"Night Court: Dan's Operation: Part 1 (#4.5)" (1986)
[on Dan's upcoming operation]
Mac Robinson: I know this takes a lot of guts.
Dan Fielding: About two and a half feet, from what they tell me.

Morgue Attendant: [rolling a gurney in] I'm here to take D. Fielding to the morgue.
[Everyone tells him there must be some mistake]
Public Defender Christine Sullivan: He's just here for a minor operation.
Morgue Attendant: [smiles] I'll check back later.
Dan Fielding: Yeah, over my dead body.
Morgue Attendant: It's a date!
Dan Fielding: Yes, and please give my regards to the lovely Mrs. Dracula.

"Night Court: Shave and a Haircut (#9.12)" (1992)
Eddie the Machete: So you're the one who sent him after me. Fielding... Fielding... Fielding!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: What are you doing?
Eddie the Machete: I'm burning your name into my brain.
Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell: Want me to write it down for you?

Will Sanders: [reading his latest assignment from Dan] Edward Lotz, aka Crazy Eddie, aka "Eddie the Machete", aka..."Edward Scissor-Glands"?
Christine Sullivan: Something tells me this guy's gone way beyond white collar.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Don't be silly. He's only wanted for...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: performing plastic surgery without a license.
Christine Sullivan: [reading] And without anesthesia... and without permission!

"Night Court: Danny Got His Gun: Part 2 (#6.1)" (1988)
[Dan is stranded in the Arctic]
Dan Fielding: How do you people stay in touch with the outside world?
Kumok: By snow plane.
Dan Fielding: Well, that's great. When does it get here?
Kumok: In morning.
Dan Fielding: Fantastic. When's morning?
Kumok: Next April, sharp.
Dan Fielding: April? You mean, I get to spend the next six months with the "Slush Family Robinson" here?

Dan Fielding: My name is Dan. Dan Fielding.
Kumok: Hello, Dan-Dan Fielding!

"Night Court: Chrizzi's Honor (#5.15)" (1988)
Maria: My name is Maria, I work up in filing. It's very boring, I hope you're not... boring.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: How does a little red wine, and gravity boots for two sound?
Maria: It's a start.
[grabs his hand and writes on it with her pen]
Maria: Pick me up here after work. Wear something tear-away.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: My name's Dan.
Maria: Who cares?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [shrugs] Right!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You will not believe what just happened to me!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [not looking up] Some loose woman that you've never met before has agreed to go back to your place, and participate in some deviant sexual behavior.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: What gave me away, the drool?

"Night Court: The New Judge (#4.7)" (1986)
[Ernie throws Dan to the floor and steps on his neck]
Ernie: All right, Fielding! You make one move, I'll blow your brains into the office downstairs!
Dan Fielding: [choked] I got no problem with that.

Dan Fielding: Burn this image in your mind, sir: this man, standing stark naked, swinging a baseball bat.
Mrs. MacNulty: My Louisville slugger.
Mr. MacNulty: [cupping a hand to his ear] What?
Dan Fielding: [shouting] She said she likes your bat!

"Night Court: If I Were a Rich Man (#7.2)" (1989)
Dan Fielding: Well, I happen to be the owner of five thousand acres of prime New Jersey swampland, that might interest one Jordan King.
Rosalind 'Roz' Russell: How do you know that?
Dan Fielding: A little birdie told me.
Christine Sullivan: Dan, you heard that from Bull!
Dan Fielding: All right, a huge bald condor told me.
Christine Sullivan: Dan, that information was privileged! Don't you have any scruples?
Dan Fielding: [grandly amused] You've known me for five years. You can ask me that question?

Judge Harry T. Stone: So, Dan, how did it go with Jordan King?
Dan Fielding: Ah, well, Harry... he's a tough customer, but I made sure he'll never forget the name Dan Fielding.
Judge Harry T. Stone: He took you to the cleaners, huh?
Dan Fielding: [slumps in his chair and whimpers] Yes.
Judge Harry T. Stone: How bad was it?
[Dan hands him King's check]
Judge Harry T. Stone: $9,000? That's pretty good for a piece of swampland. What'd you pay for it?
[Dan writes a figure on a piece of paper and passes it to Harry. Harry compares the two]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Oh, come on, Dan, so you lost a couple of bucks. One day you'll look back on this...
[he stops, and compares the two papers again]
Judge Harry T. Stone: ...No. *Don't* look back on this.

"Night Court: Take My Wife, Please (#2.11)" (1984)
Mac Robinson: Eugene Sleighbough, attempted burglary.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Uh, Your Honor, the people acknowledge the fact that there may be a special circumstance where Mr. Sleighbough is concerned.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Special in what way?
Eugene Sleighbough: I'm invisible.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: It seems as though that Mr. Sleighbough tried to take advantage of his "condition" by robbing a fifth story Park Avenue apartment in the middle of the afternoon.
Eugene Sleighbough: Yeah, it's perfect for me! See, I can slip in and out, completely unnoticed.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Except for the several hundred people who saw you inching along the ledge.
Eugene Sleighbough: Ah, that was probably a fluke. See, they probably used some kind of heat-sensing device.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yes. It's called sunlight.

"Night Court: Bull's Baby (#1.12)" (1984)
[the gang leaves Bull's apartment, but he walks out after them]
Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Hey, wait a minute!
Public Defender Liz Williams: Your head, watch out, you-!
[She falls silent as the top of the doorjam turns out to be a doggie door, that swings open to let his head pass under it]
Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Listen, I just wanted to thank you all for being concerned about me. I really appreciate it.
Public Defender Liz Williams: Well...
Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Goodnight.
[He goes back in, the doggie door swinging again]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: That is pretty clever.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Let's go get some coffee. I got to tell you about his toilet seat.

[the next defendant enters, wearing a trench coat]
Guy T. Reynolds: May I remove my coat, Your Honor?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Sure.
Public Defender Liz Williams: [as he starts to] NO!
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Miss Williams!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your Honor, the charge?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [reads] Indecent exposure.
[He looks over the top of the bench, to see Mr. Reynolds's bare legs peeking out from below the trench coat]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You almost got me on that one, didn't you, Mr. Reynolds?
Guy T. Reynolds: That charge is ridiculous, Your Honor. I'm not a pervert! I'm a nudist.
[Applause from the gallery]

"Night Court: Danny Got His Gun: Part 1 (#5.22)" (1988)
Public Defender Christine Sullivan: You know, Dan, you could get into a lot of trouble for impersonating a military officer.
Dan Fielding: It just so happens that I am an officer in the United States Army Reserves.
Mac Robinson: Get out!
Dan Fielding: No, it's true. In fact, I've been in the Reserves for five years. I mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a month, two weeks every summer...
Bull Shannon: Like going to the bathroom.
[stares from everyone]
Bull Shannon: What?

Harry Stone: [On Dan being late for work] He'd better have one *whopper* of an excuse!
Dan Fielding: [approaches the table in military uniform and salutes Harry] Captain Dan Fielding reporting for duty, *sir!*
Harry Stone: What can I say, the guy's good.

"Night Court: Educating Rhoda (#6.5)" (1988)
Dan Fielding: [trapped in a motel room with a psychotic woman who acts out movie roles] What do you say we pop on the TV and watch a couple of movies, eh?
[he turns on the TV]
TV Announcer:: We'll return to "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"...
Dan Fielding: [changes the channel] Seen that already.
TV Announcer:: Tonight on Movie Showcase: "Dressed to Kill"...
Dan Fielding: [changes the channel] Where are the Muppets when you need them, huh?

Judge Harry T. Stone: [over the phone] You gotta listen to me! That woman you're with is psychotic!
Dan Fielding: [chuckles] Well, maybe a little enthusiastic...
[as he turns away, Valerie takes a butcher knife out of her purse... ]
Dan Fielding: Yeah? Uh, listen, how exactly are we defining "homicidal"?
[And throws it, embedding it into the wall a few inches in front of Dan's nose]
Dan Fielding: [into phone] Uh, Harry?
Dan Fielding: HELLLLLP!
Valerie Sanders: [yanks the phone cord out of the wall] Sorry... wrong number.

"Night Court: Jung and the Restless (#5.19)" (1988)
Christine Sullivan: You know, I'm starting to worry about Roz. That disciplinary hearing of hers is taking forever.
Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: What's the big deal? Some guy started a fight in a holding cell, she yanked him out.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Perhaps the fact that she neglected to open the door first had something to do with it.

Judge Harry T. Stone: How's the crossword puzzle going, Bull?
Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: I need an eight-letter word for a phrase that contradicts itself.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Oxymoron.
Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: If you don't want to help me, Harry, just say so.
Judge Harry T. Stone: No, Bull, an oxymoron is two words that cancel each other out. You know, like, jumbo shrimp.
Christine Sullivan: Bitter sweet.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Free love.
Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: I understand.
Mac Robinson: Yeah, that's a good one too.

"Night Court: Constitution: Part 1 (#5.9)" (1987)
Christine Sullivan: Your Honor, before we can proceed, we're going to need an order to separate. The fourth defendant isn't here. The man playing Thomas Jefferson hasn't sobered up yet.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Little bit too much Yankee Doodle Brandy?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: About ten minutes ago he stuck a feather down his throat and threw up macaroni.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: I missed Roz. I still don't see why she wouldn't let us visit her at the hospital.
Christine Sullivan: I do. It's embarrassing. I hate wearing those hospital gowns that hang wide open at the back.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I always turn mine around.

"Night Court: I'm OK, You're Catatonic/Schizophrenic (#5.14)" (1988)
Harry Stone: Dan, Al doesn't talk to people.
Dan Fielding: Oh.
[to Al]
Dan Fielding: Nice blinking with you.

Dan Fielding: [after confessing he destroyed Harry's collection of Mel Torme albums] Harry, here it is in a nutshell. Mel Torme is in your office right now! He wanted to leave but I couldn't let him, so I locked him up with your trick shackles!
Harry Stone: I don't have any trick shackles. Those are real, and I don't have a key!
Dan Fielding: Oh! Then I just managed to kidnap a well known jazz artist. Gotta go, bye!

"Night Court: All You Need Is Love (#1.1)" (1984)
Judge Harry T. Stone: Any questions?
Dan Fielding: Just one. How? How did you get appointed to the bench?
Judge Harry T. Stone: You know, Dan, that's a funny story. It was the mayor's last day in office, and it was a Sunday. And my name was at the bottom of a list of a thousand candidates. So they start calling folk, starting at the top of the list, but, you see, it's Sunday so no-one's home. So they keep calling down the list, name by name; no-one answers. Finally they get down to the bottom of the list and... voila.
Court Clerk Lana Wagner: You mean you were appointed a judge because...
Judge Harry T. Stone: I was home.

Dan Fielding: Your Honor, this is highly irregular.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Thanks.

"Night Court: The Modest Proposal (#4.14)" (1987)
Judge Harry T. Stone: Hey, gang, how goes the world?
Rosalind 'Roz' Russell: [Reading a tabloid aloud] "Enraged housewife shoots husband's pig in bizarre love triangle."
Dan Fielding: Caught him bringing home the bacon, huh?

"Night Court: Her Honor: Part 3 (#5.1)" (1987)
[on Christine's first day as a judge, Bull brings in the next defendant, who is sobbing piteously]
Mr. Fengler: Please, let me go! Let me out of here!
Bull Shannon: Sir, please calm down. You're among friends. Friends who wear badges, and search your body cavities, but friends nonetheless.
Mr. Fengler: You don't understand, this is a mistake, please, somebody help me!
Christine Sullivan: Oh, don't worry, sir, I'll help you!
[everyone stares at her]
Christine Sullivan: I-I mean, I'll do everything in my power to see that you receive a fair trial. Um, Mr. Prosecutor?
Dan Fielding: Yes, Your Honor, Ye Olde Town Crier here robbed yon convenience store, and stuffed the booty in his jerkin, forsooth.
Mr. Fengler: I'm sorry, I just haven't had a square meal in days, and when I saw all that food in the window, I snapped.
Christine Sullivan: Oh, you poor thing!
Dan Fielding: Oh yes, the poor thing almost had to eat the SHOT GUN he had with him!
Christine Sullivan: You had a shotgun?
Mr. Fengler: A little one.
Dan Fielding: The term is "sawed-off"!

"Night Court: Harry and the Tramp (#6.4)" (1988)
[Harry is pacing while Dan is watching one of Diane's movies]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: What should I do?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [staring at the screen] I don't know, but I'd say you're incredibly lucky.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You! You, of all people, should have recognized her!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I'm sorry, Harry. The clothes threw me.

"Night Court: Yet Another Day in the Life (#6.22)" (1989)
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your Honor, the defendants were arrested after a disturbance that erupted during a seminar on "Androids on Starfleet Command Vehicles."
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Don't you guys ever just get loaded and hire a stripper?

"Night Court: Welcome Back, Momma (#1.4)" (1984)
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Dan handing out address to his apartment to foreign beauty pageant contestants] This is the address to Dan's apartment. Dan's apartment is Goood!

"Night Court: Some Like It Hot (#1.10)" (1984)
Liz Williams: [Liz and Dan are left alone after being handcuffed together by Yakov, a Russian immigrant] I'm thirsty. How about you?
Dan Fielding: No. Thank you. I must have had six, seven cups of coffee this evening.
Liz Williams: Oh.
[suddenly realizes]
Liz Williams: Uh-oh.
Dan Fielding: Uh-huh.
[Dan crosses his legs tightly]

"Night Court: Rock-a-Bye Baby (#6.11)" (1989)
Mac Robinson: So, you think your old alma mater's got a real chance this year, huh?
Judge Harry T. Stone: I'm telling you, Mac, this is the best team that East Chesapeake has seen since a scrappy midfielder name of Harry T. Stone s...
Dan Fielding, Mac Robinson, Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon, Rosalind 'Roz' Russell: [in unison] Scored the winning goal to bring mighty Florida Tech to its knees.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Ah, the legend lives.

"Night Court: Prince of a Guy (#4.10)" (1986)
Princess Tatiana: I am Tatiana, crowned princess of Kapua.
Dan Fielding: I'm Dan. King of Hanky Panky.

"Night Court: Day Court (#8.8)" (1990)
Maitre d': You must be a night person. I pity you.
Dan Fielding: Nice eyebrows. Who was your grandmother? A horned owl?
Maitre d': Your snappy retort has stung me to the bone. I must write that down. Nitwit.

"Night Court: Battling Bailiff (#2.17)" (1985)
Dan Fielding: And starring Dan Fielding as The Scarecrow.

"Night Court: With a Little Help from My Friends (#8.20)" (1991)
[after becoming trustee of The Phil Foundation, Dan is bombarded with letters and telegrams asking for donations]
Dan Fielding: You wouldn't believe how many needy people there are in the world. Did you realize that all those people huddled in blankets on the streets are actually homeless?
Rosalind 'Roz' Russell: [a little shocked] Well, of course we did, Dan! What did you think they were?
Dan Fielding: I thought they were Indians!

"Night Court: Branded: Part 2 (#7.10)" (1989)
Judge Casement: Anything else?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yes. I would like to thank each of my friends for coming down here, and sticking up for me. Especially you, Roz.
Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell: Beats sitting here listening to Harry.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I would also like to thank Mr. Johnson, and Mr. Wood, for teaching me a very important lesson. You see, all my life I wanted to be rich and important, like you. Even as a kid back in Louisiana, I would wear a tie while slopping hogs, pretending they were reporters, all clamoring to ask me questions about my latest courtroom triumph. I would graciously answer each in turn, until my bucket was empty and my tie was covered with pig phlegm. All those years ago, and then suddenly, I had the chance to become one of you! To my own surprise, I said no. Because I realized that, you're not better than the people I grew up with. You're not even better than the pigs.

"Night Court: Caught Red Handed (#4.18)" (1987)
Roz: Something wrong, Dan?
Dan Fielding: [about a woman who excites him, but turns him down] She takes me to the brink of ecstasy then abandons me there. I need satisfaction and I need it now.
Roz: I understand. You want to be alone.

"Night Court: Baby Talk (#4.13)" (1987)
Lorna Huebner: Your Honor, my father's dying words were, "No matter what, don't make me go with Arlene."
Arlene Huebner: Why, you lying...!
Harry Stone: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dying words? Is Dad dead?
Dan Fielding: As a kipper on a cracker!
[shocked looks]
Dan Fielding: I'm sorry to say.
Harry Stone: Well, the way you were just talking about him, I kind of got the impression that he was, you know, here.
Bull Shannon: He is, Your Honor.
[Bull holds up a small urn and places it on Harry's desk]
Bull Shannon: This is Mr. Hubner.
Harry Stone: Gee, he's a lot shorter than I pictured.

"Night Court: Harry on Trial (#2.7)" (1984)
Judge Robert Willard: On July 12th of this year, didn't the defendant, claiming quote, "This courtroom ain't big enough for the two of us," unquote, squirt you in the face with a water pistol in open court?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: That date again?
Judge Robert Willard: Just answer the question.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Well yes he did, but it was an accident. He was aiming for my briefcase.
[Judge Landis laughs]
Judge Martin A. Landis: [Dan laughs. Then the judge orders-] Shut up.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Right.

"Night Court: Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson (#4.20)" (1987)
Dan Fielding: [about Mac's newborn baby] It's a girl, Mac.
Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: It's a girl! Get away from my daughter, Dan.

"Night Court: Bull Gets a Kid (#2.6)" (1984)
Dan Fielding: Mr. Hubbell was on his way to a seminar on subway hospitality, when he was mugged outside of city hall.
Mr. Hubble: They took everything. My wallet, my keys, my cash...
Billie Young: And after pleading with several passer-bys for bus fare, Mr. Hubbell attempted to panhandle from a group of Japanese tourists. They turned him down.
Harry Stone: And?
Dan Fielding: He mugged them. Your Honor, the state wishes to submit evidence. We have affidavits from the victims, some shredded yen, and over seventy action-packed photographs of the incident.

"Night Court: Wheels of Justice: Part 1 (#3.9)" (1985)
[in a fit of temper, Dan destroys a portable TV which he learns afterward was Bull's]
Dan Fielding: Money or revenge?
Bull Shannon: Revenge.
[Dan takes off his watch, then takes off his shoe and smashes it to pieces]
Bull Shannon: Thank you.

"Night Court: Russkie Business (#5.18)" (1988)
Yakov Kovlenko: What are you giving me, red tape? What does a person supposed to do to get some justice around here?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well, you might start by explaining why you're acting like such a...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yack-ass?

"Night Court: The Last Temptation of Mac (#6.6)" (1988)
Dan Fielding: [to each of the six Rolling Rangerettes skating past him] I love your eyes. Love you thighs. Love your hips. Love your lips. Love your hair. Nice butt.

"Night Court: Harry and the Madam (#2.8)" (1984)
Dan Fielding: Objection.
Harry Stone: Overruled.
Dan Fielding: Exception.
Harry Stone: Noted.
Dan Fielding: Frustration.
Harry Stone: Vented.

"Night Court: For Love or Money (#7.6)" (1989)
Bull Shannon: [pinching the back of Dan's neck to relieve tension] Of course if you miss this spot a quarter inch either way, you could render a man blind or impotent.
[releases Dan]
Christine Sullivan: Dan, are you okay?
Dan Fielding: [looks at Christine] Well, I can see.
[Christine leans over at her desk to review some work. Dan's looking at her butt]
Dan Fielding: Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

"Night Court: Harry and the Rock Star (#1.11)" (1984)
Woman: [to Dan, behind the line] Hey, man! you know the judge?
Dan Fielding: Hey woman! Yes I do.

"Night Court: Her Honor: Part 4 (#5.2)" (1987)
Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell: Come back in here, Dan.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: No!
[Dan is shown hiding on the sill of the window outside Harry's office]
Bull Shannon: Dan, are you going to make me do this the hard way?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yes!
Bull Shannon: Gooooooood.
[seizes Dan by his belt and hauls him inside]

"Night Court: Crossroads: Part 2 (#8.7)" (1990)
[after Dan finishes his turning point story]
Christine Sullivan: Dan, Dan, Dan...
Dan Fielding: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I throw my life away for sex. But, you know, I thought I'd at least get to die having it.
Roz Russell: Don't look at me, or you'll die trying to have it.

"Night Court: Halloween, Too (#3.5)" (1985)
Dan Fielding: [Dan is calling around for a Halloween costume. Listens to a clerk on the phone. To Florence] What's a Smurf?
Florence Kleiner: Imagine your cat threw up a blue hairball that talked.

"Night Court: Her Honor: Part 2 (#4.22)" (1987)
Dan Fielding: I guess there aren't too many guys stupid enough to pay $900 for a Snickers bar, huh?
[He laughs, then turns and sees Bull, arrested in the motion of biting into a Snickers bar]
Dan Fielding: He's gonna play show-and-tell with my vital organs, isn't he?
Roz Russell: Kind of a hollow feeling, huh?

"Night Court: When Harry Met Margaret (#8.3)" (1990)
Judge Harry T. Stone: How do they expect a guy to find a date on that short of a notice?
Judge Harry T. Stone: What were they thinking?
Dan Fielding: [Dan grabs the two tickets and holds them up] Tickets!
Woman: Where?
Dan Fielding: Cruise.
Woman: When?
Dan Fielding: Saturday.
Woman: Time?
Dan Fielding: Eight.
Woman: Pier?
Dan Fielding: Sixteen.
Woman: Okay.

"Night Court: Top Judge (#5.20)" (1988)
[after Cleaver challenges Stone to a final duel of pranks]
Mac: Sir, I don't like this.
Christine Sullivan: I don't either, sir.
Harry Stone: Oh, come on now, what's the worst that could possibly happen?
Dan Fielding: AAH!
[Dan runs down the hallway, chased by a giant, Indiana-Jones size eight ball. He runs out of view - CRASH!]
Roz Russell: [winces, but] It's okay, the motorcycle gang broke his fall.
Dan Fielding: AAH!
[Dan flees back up the hallway, pursued by the motorcycle gang]

"Night Court: The Talk Show (#7.17)" (1990)
Dan Fielding: [on his talk show] How much bigger can those puppies get?
Public Defender Christine Sullivan: It's none of your business how much bigger my puppies get!

"Night Court: Billie's Valentine (#2.18)" (1985)
Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Here you go, sir. They tried to escape twice.
Mrs. Sheldon: We're feisty.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I can see that. Mr. Prosecutor?
Dan Fielding: Yes, sir. The defendants were arrested for disturbing the peace at a local eatery after they turned over the salad bar and assaulted each other with baby tomatoes, the three bean salad, and lettuce tongs.
Public Defender Billie Young: The Sheltons' children threw them a sixty-fifth anniversary party and things got out of hand.
Mr. Sheldon: I didn't know she was gonna to be there.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Sixty-fifth anniversary?
Mrs. Sheldon: That's lead. If I had a gun, I'd give Mr. Shelton a little present.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Pardon the presumption, but I'm getting the impression that you two lived through sixty-five years of marital...
Mr. Sheldon: Agony.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Thanks. Why?
Mrs. Sheldon: We were waiting for the children to die.
Mr. Sheldon: Aw, not that we wanted them to die, of course.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Of course.
Mrs. Sheldon: It's just that divorce can be so damaging. We were only thinking of the boys.
Judge Harry T. Stone: The boys?
Mr. Sheldon: Little Freddie will be sixty-four in April.
Mrs. Sheldon: And the baby just retired. This would kill him.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I have no reason to doubt that.